A Fishing Shock

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Thread: A Fishing Shock

  1. #1
    Somewhat Psychic Siless's Avatar
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    Default A Fishing Shock

    Intended Capture: Lotad (Simple)
    Expected Character Range: 5k-10k
    Actual Character Count: About 6k

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    "Ra! Ra!"

    Sela, the Ralts, was sitting on her trainer's head. The trainer, Siless, was used to this, and had recently started wearing a flat-topped black hat to provide her with a level sitting ground. Siless wore a black jacket over his light blue shirt to stave off the chill of the evening, and both Ralts and trainer were fishing. The lake they chose stood in the middle of a forest clearing, large trees surrounding the fishing spot and a small field behind the trainer.

    "These outings are calming, aren't they Sela? Couldn't be a nicer evening."

    "Ra! Ralts!"

    "You said it. Sure will be a shame when we can't get to the lakes anymore."

    The pair silenced themselves, for an early-rising Hoothoot had flown over the lake, its silhouette standing out against the setting sun. Soon after, a bolt of lightning shot forth from the forest, narrowly missing the bird pokemon. Two more bolts surfaced, both getting further away from their mark.

    Siless smirked. "Looks like that Hoothoot got the best of a trainer. Always nice to see how these things turn out."

    The flying Hoothoot avoided two more Thunderbolts and had turned in Siless's direction to get away from the threat. When Hoothoot passed over Siless's and Sela's collective heads, the red-headed trainer chasing the Hoothoot appeared from the forest. Following him was his Pachirisu, jumping from tree to tree before hopping into the clearing. Siless set down his fishing rod and placed Sela on the ground before getting up to approach the red-haired trainer. As he stood, a Thunderbolt flew past his head, and he fell to the ground.

    "Ah! Watch it!" Siless shouted at the other trainer, his voice muffled by the low grass. "You could've hurt someone there!"

    The red-headed boy stopped his Pachirisu's assault on the Hoothoot. "Ah, shoot! There's another trainer here! Are you 'kay?"

    "Yeah... my hat took some damage though." Siless removed his singed headgear and ran his hand through his chocolate hair in frustration. "Darn, this was my lucky hat too..."

    "Sorry 'bout that, man. Anything I can do to help?" The trainer offered a hand to help Siless up, which he accepted.

    Pachirisu had wandered over to Sela, who seemed to be struggling with her fishing pole. The pair of pokémon grabbed opposite ends of the handle of Sela's pole and pulled with all their might.

    The Hoothoot was nowhere to be found. No doubt it must have escaped when Siless was nearly Bolted.

    Siless caught a glimpse at the struggling Ralts and Pachirisu. He knew that if the pair of them were struggling, then they caught something big.

    "Yeah, do you have a pokéball I could use? I think that would cover the cost of my hat."

    The red-headed trainer tossed Siless one of the red-and-white balls, happy that he wasn't angry from the attack. Siless caught the ball and donned his singed hat.

    "Thanks. Guess we'll see what the two little guys snagged."

    The two trainers went to help their pokémon, who hadn't managed to budge the line, and whatever was at the other end of it, one bit. The trainers grabbed hold of the pole and attempted to pull the line out of the water. Eventually, a small piece of wood appeared from the top of the water, but the trainers and their pokémon were too tired to pull any more.

    "Hey, man, I think we snagged a tree."

    As the red-haired trainer spoke, a Lotad climbed out of the water onto the mossy root protruding from the lake. The lilypad-like pokémon shot a powerful stream of water at the group, hitting the red-head in the face.

    "Pbbbbth! Hey, you.. you thing!" he shouted, waking up several nearby Hoothoot and scaring them into flight. "What do you think you're doing? Pachirisu! We'll show him! Use you're Thu-"

    "Hey, man," Siless interupted calmly. "How about you let me take care of this? Sela and I haven't seen any action all day."

    "You think you can handle this thing? Seems pretty powerful."

    "Only because it caught you off-guard. It's a Lotad, nothing the two of us can't handle. Right, Sela?"

    "Ralts!"

    The red-haired boy smiled. "Alright, let's see you two go at it. Going to try to catch it?"

    "Why not? We could always do with a new member. Sela gets tired of fighting every fight, don't you?"

    "Ra ra." Sela panted, feigning exhaustion to the trainers.

    "Ready Sela?"

    "Ra!" The Ralts shot up to attention.

    "Alright then." Siless stepped back from the battlefield, allowing Sela all the room he could allow for her to manuever if needed. "When the Lotad starts to do anything, use a Calm Mind."

    The Water Weed Pokémon and the Feeling Pokémon stood there, waiting for the other to make a move. After a short time, Lotad shuffled its feet and growled at the sky. Sela responded with her Calm Mind, glowing a soft pink as her mind focused itself on serene thoughts.

    Clouds formed above the lake, and drops of water started to fall from the sky. Siless identified this as the result of Lotad's last move, a Rain Dance.

    "Ok, Sela. We need to finish this quick! As long as it's raining, we're at a disadvantage! Try putting it down with a Hypnosis!"

    Sela drew little pink circles with her arms, which began to cross the river and grow to meet Lotad. The Lotad dived into the water behind the root it was standing on, avoiding the Hypnosis attack. Suddenly, it popped out of the water, charging at the Ralts while making a loud growling sound. Sela was startled from the sudden attack, and was hit by the charge.

    "Astonish? Alright, Sela, it can't avoid it now, Hypnosis!"

    Sela drew more circles into the air, too close for the Lotad to avoid. The Water Weed pokémon tried to resist the effect of the circles, but dozed off almost immediately.

    "Now, Sela! Weaken it with Psychic!"

    A wave of psychic energy eminating from the tiny Ralts rushed towards the sleeping Lotad. Psychic hit hard, pushing it back to the edge of the lake. Amazingly, the lilypad was still asleep.

    The red-haired trainer stared in awe as the Lotad that had insulted him was made harmless in a short battle. His Pachirisu shared similar awe, and rushed between his trainer's legs for both a good view of the action and protection from the rain.

    "Alright then, Sela, come back!" Siless tossed the pokéball given to him by the red-haired trainer over his returning Ralts, hitting the Lotad. The ball opened, and a bright light encompassed the Lotad. The ball closed around the light, and it landed by the lake, twitching...

  2. #2
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Fishing Shock

    Claimed for Grading. :)

  3. #3
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Fishing Shock

    Introduction:
    Sela, the Ralts, was sitting on her trainer's head. The trainer, Siless, was used to this, and had recently started wearing a flat-topped black hat to provide her with a level sitting ground. Siless wore a black jacket over his light blue shirt to stave off the chill of the evening, and both Ralts and trainer were fishing. The lake they chose stood in the middle of a forest clearing, large trees surrounding the fishing spot and a small field behind the trainer.

    "These outings are calming, aren't they Sela? Couldn't be a nicer evening."
    I thought that this introduction was pretty good. It gave the appearance of your main character Siless immediately, and that aided in visualizing him throughout the story. This introduction was missing a strong hook that drew the reader in and kept them interested, though, so I'll go over using that now.

    Basically, a hook is an introduction that gets the reader interested and draws the into the story. Examples are situational depending on the story, but it often leaves the reader wondering why a certain event happened in the introduction. This causes them to keep reading to answer that question. Particularly strong introductions also pique the reader's interest with an action-packed scene, a suspenseful moment, or a moment of interest that may occur later in the story (which often leads to a flashback). Practicing these hooks will be worth your effort, because mastering the art of creating them will be very helpful when you go for something more complex.

    Considering your target, though, this introduction was fine.

    Plot:
    Siless is fishing by a lake when a trainer rushes out of the forest nearby, chasing a Hoothoot that was eluding him. While the two introduce themselves, their Pokemon notice that they have a bite on the fishing line, which turns out to be a Lotad. Siless and Sela battle it in order to capture it.

    This is a basic plot that follows the mold of "kid finds Pokemon, kid battles Pokemon, kid captures Pokemon". Considering your target Pokemon, this is fine; however, it's worth noting that you'll need to come up with a more original and complex plot if you go for something more difficult in the future. For now, though, this sort of plot works well, since it's not too terribly complex and it gets straight to the point of writing it.

    Dialogue:
    You did a pretty good job with the dialogue here. Siless's calm personality and the red-headed trainer's eccentricity are both evident in their lines, and while I believe that they could have been developed further, you really didn't have much room to develop them much further. Besides, what you've done for them in this story is fine for your target Pokemon.

    Just keep in mind that, again, more difficult captures will require more effort on your part. This also means that showing the personalities and emotions of the characters through dialogue will need to be an important point to remember when you write for something harder to capture.

    Grammar:
    I didn't really find anything of note for this section. This is good, because it means that you have less to worry about if you write for something more difficult later on.

    Good job with this section.

    Detail and Description:
    For the most part, I thought that you did pretty well with your details. You described Siless's appearance very well in the beginning, which allowed me to visualize him in the situations that the story put him in pretty easily.

    Although the red-headed trainer is more of a bit character, I feel that it would have been worth your time to describe him more than you did, particularly as far as his appearance goes. Without telling what he looks like, it was difficult to visualize him. Furthermore, the setting by the lake was described adequately for the target Pokemon, but if you're going for something more difficult, you'll want to describe it with a little more detail than just saying that there's a forest clearing, with trees and a lake in the center. Give some more descriptive adjectives with this, and you'll spruce up the setting and allow the readers to visualize it better.

    Battle:
    I thought that the battle was done pretty well. The attacks that were used were realistically depicted, especially in the case of Hypnosis missing before the gap between Lotad and Ralts was closed. In addition, the effects of the attacks on the opposing Pokemon were done pretty well. All in all, this was a good battle for a simple category Pokemon.

    Obviously, as with many of the other sections, you'll want to expand upon the battle scenes as you write for something more difficult in the future. After all, a well-detailed, longer battle always earns high marks.

    Length:
    Lotad is in the Simple category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 5,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 6,401 characters, so it makes the cut.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    ...Click!

    Gotcha! Lotad was caught!

    Make sure that you keep my suggestions in mind when you write for something more complicated in the future.

    Enjoy your catch!

  4. #4
    Somewhat Psychic Siless's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Fishing Shock

    Thanks for the advice, Guest. I'm trying to write something more complex as we speak, but I'm taking my time with it, since I don't have a lot of time to devote to it right now. Right in the middle of testing over here, sadly.
    Oh well, I guess. When I get to it, I'll be sure to take your advice to heart. Thanks again.

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