Fishin' For Trouble

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Fishin' For Trouble

  1. #1
    Unregistered User CommBA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    1,783
    Follow CommBA On Twitter Add CommBA on Facebook

    Default Fishin' For Trouble

    Fishin’ For Trouble



    “Oh, sweetie, do you really need to go fishing today?” asked the somewhat overprotective mother to her son. She wasn’t all too thrilled about her only son leaving on a fishing trip by himself to capture his first Pokémon.

    “Jeez, Mother, way to be somewhat overprotective,” her son, Johnny, replied back. “I know you’re not all too thrilled about me leaving, but I have to do this. I need to capture my first Pokémon!”

    “Can’t you just use one of mine?” pleaded the mother to her son. As tears started to form in her light blue eyes, she tried to hide them from her son by wiping them away with her flowing green flower-print dress. “I’ll let you take my Mareep!”

    Johnny looked through the back window to see the electrical sheep happily munching on some grass. Though he loved growing up with his mother’s Mareep, he just didn’t feel right about letting his mother give up one of her favorite Pokémon to him.

    “No! It’s not the same. I need to capture my own faithful companion.”

    “But you’re only 16! What do you know about fishing anyways? Even if you are currently wearing that stereotypical fisherman’s hat, wading boots, your favorite pair of blue jeans, and your lucky green flannel, that doesn’t mean it’s safe!”

    “Mother, I’ve told you, don’t describe me like that. It sounds like you’re speaking in a story or something. Now, I gotta get going and start fishin’ otherwise all of the good ones will be gone!”

    “Oh, dearie, if you must. I can see it in your light blue eyes that aren’t unlike mine that nothing I say will change your mind. Just promise me you’ll be safe.”

    “No promises!” he shouted as he dashed out the door at the sound of her approving. In a blink of an eye, he was out of her sight and off to catch his first Pokémon.

    Suddenly, it dawned upon her. Johnny had forgotten to take Old Glory, his fishing rod, with him. “Oh, honey, you left your black rod with ‘Old Glory’ written across it in a deep crimson gothic-esque font,” she mumbled to herself. “Wow, he was right, it is weird when I describe things like I’m talking in a story.”

    Meanwhile, on the outskirts of town, Johnny was making excellent progress towards the lake. Luckily for him, the lake happened to be practically in his back yard. He didn’t have to pass through the crowds of people in the town. It was still fairly early in the day and he knew that the town square would be packed with people going to their jobs. All Johnny had to do was take a nifty shortcut he discovered: simply cutting through the woods. So through the lush green scenery he went, slowly escaping from any sight that could have seen him.

    “Look at all this foliage and trees!” Johnny exclaimed. “It’s so friggin’ beautiful through here. The leaves are so vibrant and outstanding, and it smells so sickly yet deliciously sweet due to the sap that must be coming through some of these trees! Wait, ugh, I sound like my mother describing everything I see and smell. Living with her for so long, some of her characteristics must’ve rubbed off on me. And why am I talking out loud? No one is even around me! Oh well, doesn’t matter, I see the glimmering shine of the water up above.”

    Sure enough, as Johnny passed by the last set of trees that made up the woods, he finally descended upon Grand Lake. Johnny then realized his grand mistake: he had left Old Glory at home. He began to mull over his choices in his head. He could do the safe and responsible thing, and make the trip back home to retrieve his rod. Or, he could find another way to acquire his first Pokémon. He knew there was only one true and fair way he could make such a decision: by coin flip. He rummaged through his pockets, turning them inside out, hoping he was carrying a coin with him. Luckily, he was indeed carrying a coin.

    “Heads I go back; tails I stay.”

    With one mighty flick of his thumb, he sent the coin twirling high up in the air. He has no idea where his fascination with using chance to make decisions came from, but he was glad he picked up this particular habit. It made life more fun and slightly unpredictable. The thrill of not knowing what you’re going to do; it was intoxicating for someone of an age when they shouldn’t be intoxicated. He watched the coin begin to come down with the full force of the gravitational pull of the Earth; shinning and glaring with every spin due to the sun’s light reflecting off the metal.

    Suddenly, a parade of bubbles shot towards the coin and ensnared it with their spherical airiness of liquids.

    “MY COIN!” shouted Johnny. He wasn’t amused at all by the current turn of events. “I am not amused with the current turn of events! Who dares stops my coin from deciding what I shall do?”

    As Johnny looked around for the culprit, he saw a reddish-orange fish-like figure with yellow fins on its top and underbelly appear from the lake. Johnny had heard about these creatures. They were called Magikarp. Even though Johnny detested the thought of his first companion to be a weak creature as a Magikarp, he remembered that they do evolve into the ferocious and mighty Gyarados. Even though he still wanted to see what the coin flip had in store for him, Johnny decided to take this intrusion as a sign to catch this Magikarp.

    “Heh, this shouldn’t be too hard; it’s a Magikarp,” mumbled Johnny underneath his breath. “Let’s see, gotta think of something to do to weaken it.”

    Johnny began scanning the surrounding area, searching for anything that could possible help him win this unorthodox battle he has just gotten himself into. He noticed a couple of small, flat rocks in mud along with various branches that had fallen off of the trees. He had a variety of ideas that he could use, but he wasn’t sure if any of them would work. Regardless, it was time to put his plan into action. He darted towards the mud, grabbed a fistful, and slung it towards the Magikarp’s eyes. “Try my Mud-Slap attack!” shouted Johnny.

    The attack worked and landed square in the fish’s eyes. Surely, the reduce in accuracy would help him in the long run. However, what happened next shocked Johnny greatly: the Magikarp sky-rocketed out of the water into the great blue sky.

    “Wait, what? Bounce? Well, I won’t be able to hit it from way up there,” said Johnny. “Looks like I’ll work on getting my coin back.”

    Johnny reached for a rock this time and flung it at the bubble that was entrapping his coin. “I gotta get my coin back with this Rock Throw!” His aim was perfect and popped the bubble that was carrying his coin. He caught it in his palm, and on instinct, slapped it over onto the back of his other hand getting ready to reveal what his coin flip would have been. He moved his hand off of his other hand, revealing what his fate would’ve been. “Heads. Heh, a little late for that now isn’t it?”

    That’s when the Magikarp began its descent back down to the Earth. It was aiming for Johnny’s head, obviously looking to do as much damage to the teenage boy as possible. Johnny narrowly moved out of the way in time resulting in the Magikarp crashing into the mud face first. Johnny saw this as his chance to set up a new attack.

    He grabbed a handful of rocks and sprinted towards some branches. He gathered the sticks together and began to strike the rocks together, causing sparks to land on the twigs. “Come on, light damn you!” he said rather aggressively to the pieces of wood, hoping his anger would motivate it to catch on fire. Try as he might, he couldn’t get the fire to work. Just as he was about to give up, he gave one more hard strike, causing a generous amount of sparks to land on the branches. Slowly but surely, a light and tender glow began to emerge from the tips of the wood. Johnny breathed easily on the emerging flame, urging it to grow in flame. Finally, he had a decent sized fire burning at the end of his sticks.

    Johnny, finally equipped with a decent weapon, returned his gaze towards his foe. However, it was no longer stuck in the mud where he had left it. He waited cautiously for his fishy opponent to show itself once again. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Magikarp dart out of the water. It took aim and rammed itself right in the chest of Johnny with a hard thud. “GAHH!” shrieked the boy in pain. Even though that Tackle caught him off guard, he knew now was the perfect time to strike. He firmly grasped the stick with both hands and swung, causing bits of fire to fly towards the Magikarp. “Didn’t think I would be able to use an Ember attack did you, you fishy bastard?”

    Johnny knew the attack wouldn’t do much damage, but he just wanted to weaken it a bit more. “I guess I’ll try another Ember, don’t know what else to do,” he calmly said getting ready to swing the flaming stick once again. The Magikarp had other plans though, and unleashed a horde of bubbles towards the flame. Johnny wasn’t quick enough to dodge and was forced to watch as his flames were extinguished from the Bubble attack.

    “WELP, there goes that plan! Jeez, if I knew it was going to be this hard to catch something as easy as a Magikarp, I would’ve just taken that blasted Mareep,” he said as he resumed his grip over the stick. “Oh well, the past is the past, I guess I’ll go with a Slash this time!”

    Johnny wildly swung the stick with great force towards the Magikarp with little finesse. He landed a swift blow to the side of the Magikarp as it went sailing towards a tree. Johnny couldn’t bear to see his current aquatic enemy hit the tree and quickly glanced away. All he heard was the resulting loud smack.

    Johnny slowly began walking towards where the Magikarp had landed. He wanted to make sure the Magikarp wasn’t injured to badly. Unbeknownst to him though, the Magikarp still had enough energy for a final attack. As Johnny leaned down to pick up the fish, Magikarp began to flop, slap, and just be a general pain in the ass.

    “Ow. Stop it. Stop using Splash. What’s wrong with you?” replied Johnny rather annoyingly to the pitiful last attempt of an offense. “This attack does nothing but annoy people. I SAID STOP!”

    With his temper getting the best of him, he punched the Magikarp. Luckily for Johnny, the fish had incredible bone structure and wasn’t too injured by the attack. In fact, it was Johnny who ended up taking more damage from the attack. Johnny wiped his knuckles against his legs in a circular motion, trying to massage them as much as he could without dropping the fish.

    “Well, looks like I caught you. Kinda. I don’t have any Pokéballs with me at the moment to actually catch you, but I’m sure your mine anyways. Time to go, little buddy!”

    As he began to lift the fish higher off the ground, the fish began to waggle and shake multiple times with quick seconds of break within. He knew this motion. He recognized it as the same movement a Pokémon does from within a ball when it’s captured. “Really? You’re still going to do this ‘shaking to see if I caught you thing’ even though you’re not in a ball? Ugh, fine, get it over with.”

    While still within his grasp, the Magikarp wiggled once. Then it shook once more. Finally, a third time…




  2. #2
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Fishin' For Trouble

    Claimed for grading. lol'd at the first two paragraphs.

  3. #3
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    olivine city, johto.
    Posts
    2,105
    Blog Entries
    12

    Default Re: Fishin' For Trouble

    Despite the amusement that this story brings me (not in a bad way), I have tried to resolve to being less humorous (you know, I only realised that it was spelt humorous in both America and normal countries - I've been forever spelling it 'humourous') in my grades and instead give a little more helpful feedback on the story, especially since you're a newer writer - or so I believe - in URPG. So, here goes.

    Introduction: The story begins in... where? Location is important in a story, and if the reader hasn't got a sense of where they are - especially if this is a location that you have made up - then they will feel slightly lost and will definitely wonder where the story is based. For creating your own locations, be sure to give it a name. If your location is one that the reader (even as a Pokémon fan) is bound not to know, again, especially if you've made it up, then it's best to give a description - how small or large the description of the area depends on what mood you want to set. Large amounts of description isn't recommended in an introduction, just so you know - it kind of spoils it, more than anything. I'll discuss more about description and your use of it down in the description section (durr).

    So, we're introduced to unnamed 'somewhat overprotective' mother and her son, Johnny. You've created a conflict almost immediately by saying that she wasn't too pleased with her son leaving... but just as immediately you drop the idea once more, and we don't really hear why the mother isn't pleased. Granted, she is 'somewhat overprotective', but frankly, I'd enjoy it if there was a better reason for why the mother didn't want to allow Johnny to go - personality traits don't really cut it if you want to create a believable and encapsulating conflict within a story, unless said trait is drawn out to the extremes, in which case we're not looking at such a bright story... except we are, since you didn't write it like that.

    I have no particular suggestions for you on how to reason it, seeing as you're supposed to be innovative as a writer - hopefully that small prompt may help you think. Ditto the situation when tears start forming in her eyes. Also, if she's somewhat overprotective, why did she give into Johnny so easily? By the way, I loved the "way to be somewhat overprotective" remark, lulz (interesting fact; the word 'lul' in Dutch means 'dick'. You learn something new every day.)

    Plot: Yes, hello, Johnny. I heard you wanted to catch a Magikarp. Fascination at its highest. A slight qualm I have is actually how much the Pokémon you chose were involved - the higher the Pokémon's rank, the more involved in a story it has to be. Thankfully, you've only gone as high as a Simple-rank Pokémon, but for your purposes it would have been safer to have the Mareep as the main Pokémon and the Magikarp being the Pokémon belonging to Johnny's mother, but you're fine as it is. Just something to think about for the future, if and when you go for harder Pokémon (which I think you are fully capable of capturing, by the way - I've noticed that you haven't gone up to writing for a Medium-rank yet. I'd suggest at least trying ;}).

    Also, another interesting point - I know that you're trying to be original, but there's a slight point of unrealism that I must bring up. In the Pokémon world, trainers tend to get their starter Pokémon at the age of ten. Perhaps a reason why Johnny hadn't got his own yet is in order? Your plot, for as high as a Simple-rank Pokémon, is perfectly fine. I have zero repercussions that you need to be notified of at the moment. Good job. :}

    Grammar/spelling: Two things.

    “Wow, he was right, it is weird when I describe things like I’m talking in a story.”
    The comma in boldface is the one that's wrong. You can either have a full stop-- oh, have it your way. Period. Personally, I think that the term 'period' should only be used to refer to a certain section of time, or a woman's once-a-month occurrence, thanks. Stupid Americans. However, what's more suitable to put here is a magical thing known to all as a colon, simply for the purpose of a magical thing known as apposition. Apposition is a swirly twirly grammatical thing, which is basically when a colon separates two 'sentences' as such, and the latter sentence describes or modifies the former sentence. Our example here is that "it is weird when I describe things like I’m talking in a story" is explaining/describing how "he was right".

    “Heads I go back; tails I stay.”
    Here is a wonderful attempt at more advanced grammar, one that turned out semi-incorrect. Instead of explaining why this is wrong, I'll go ahead and correct it instead and save you the headaches, and myself the bother of typing stuff out (I'm lazy, okay?). It should be this: "Heads, I go back; tails, I stay." Not a major difference, but one to be brought to your attention nonetheless. Other than this, however, you're doing great!

    Detail/description: I really feel like your method of describing things in this story is what sets it off - this story is, I assume, not to be overall-y serious, judging by the way your characters describe things. However, in doing that, your characters seem to describe things better than most URPG writers do as narrators, and this is in all seriousness. You're excellent at describing things, although there are one or two occasions where your writing goes purple - which is to say that the description goes over the top in places, but that isn't something to worry about. As this is maybe your third story in the URPG, this is not something to worry about, as description is probably about the hardest thing to get in writing, and you're already quite proficient at it.

    Smells and sights are described perfectly in my opinion, and this seems to be an above-average effort for a Simple-rank. Job well done, I have to say.

    Battle: *skips this section, I'm hopeless at grading battles/climaxes.*

    Length: You've done more than enough, young boy. It's time that you saw what dat outcome was.

    Outcome: Congratulations, you've had babies! Mareep and Magikarp are both captured.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •