A Fisherman's Battle Against an "Epic Flailure" (Ready for Grading)

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Thread: A Fisherman's Battle Against an "Epic Flailure" (Ready for Grading)

  1. #1
    Prepare to be judged... Arceusfan's Avatar
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    Default A Fisherman's Battle Against an "Epic Flailure" (Ready for Grading)

    Intended Capture: Magikarp
    Required Length: 3k Minimum (Easiest Rank)
    Actual Length: 3,544
    This is my 3rd Story!


    "Hey, Derek! Good luck fishing today!" my best friend, Craig, shouted to me from the shore.

    "Thanks, man!" I shouted back to him.

    I was currently in my dad's row boat in the middle of Lake Superior, which is known for its great variety of awesome Water-type Pokemon. It was a beautiful day for fishing as the sun was shining and the Pidgey were chirping. My Super Rod had its baited hook dangled beneath the water's surface, which was at an ideal temperature for swimming Pokemon. I have never caught a Pokemon while fishing to this very day, so I was hoping that the nice weather would lend me a hand this afternoon. There was a crisp breeze that whistled by my face every now and then, which brought with it the sweet smell of the flowers near the shore.

    All of a sudden the bobber on my fishing line sunk below the surface and my Super Rod started to move towards the edge of the boat.

    I quickly grabbed my $40 fishing rod and started to reel in whatever it was that had bit on the hook.

    "Probably just another chunk of algae that my hook got stuck on," I thought.

    The reel started to get hard to turn, but I eventually managed to reel my line in enough to yank the hooked Pokemon out from underneath the water.

    There was a splash, followed by a shaking of the boat as the Pokemon plopped down inside it.

    The Magikarp started to flop around as it was out of the water, its red scales glistening in the sunlight.

    I sighed as I had hoped my first Pokemon to be obtained by fishing would be ANYTHING stronger than a Magikarp.

    "Oh well, I might as well make the most of my 'success' , " I thought to myself.

    I moved closer to the Magikarp and unhooked its mouth in a careful manner so as not to hurt it.

    "Magikarp!" exclaimed the Pokemon as it was now free of the hook.

    "Now, I hope you're ready Magikarp, because I'm going to try to catch you."

    Magikarp started flopping around in an excited way.

    "Go, Shroomish!" I yelled as I threw its Pokeball into the air.

    Shroomish appeared in a flash of light from the Pokeball.

    "Now Shroomish, use your Tackle attack on Magikarp!"

    Shroomish lunged at Magikarp and hit it dead on, slamming it into the side of the boat, thus causing the boat to shake. Magikarp responded by using its own Tackle attack on Shroomish, however it didn't seem to do very much.

    "Now Shroomish, use Giga Drain!" I directed.

    Upon the direction, Shroomish began to send out green colored energy that started to engulf Magikarp and transfer its energy to Shroomish.

    Then, right when I thought I had won, Magikarp flung itself at Shroomish and started shaking around with its Flail attack. Because of how sapped of power Magikarp was, its Flail was actually powered up instead of being fairly harmless.

    "Shroomish, are you alright?" I asked my shaken Pokemon.

    Shroomish grunted and then turned to look at me so I would know it was okay to continue battling.

    All of a sudden Magikarp started to "attack" again, but thankfully it only used Splash, a.k.a "Epic Fail."

    "Okay Shroomish, wrap this up with your best Headbutt!"

    Shroomish launched itself head-first at Magikarp and in turn knocked it out, making it unable to continue battling.

    I pulled a Pokeball off my belt and flung it at Magikarp. The Pokeball opened up to suck Magikarp in and then closed before falling to the floor of the boat. When the Pokeball then started to shake back and forth my heart started to race as I waited to see if my attempt to capture my first fished-up Pokemon would be successful.
    Last edited by Arceusfan; 29th October 2010 at 01:42 PM.

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Fisherman's Battle Against an "Epic Flailure" (Ready for Grading)

    Hey, there. Sorry you've been waiting so long; a Magikarp story isn't exactly a lot of work to grade, so I should've attended to it long before this!

    Anyways, it's a short and simple story, as one expects from a mere Magikarp catch. Despite that, you included a few unique details that made it a nice little scene to read. The 'sun shining and the Pidgey chirping' lent a nice atmosphere to the surroundings.

    I have a few minor comments to make, of course:
    Quote Originally Posted by Arceusfan View Post
    It was a beautiful day for fishing as the sun was shining and the Pidgey were chirping.
    To use 'as' here, you'd need to put a comma before it: "It was a beautiful day for fishing, as the sun was shining and the Pidgey were chirping." This is kind of archaic, but it basically means that the day is beautiful because the sun is shining and the Pidgey are chirping. Another way to do that would be to use a colon (:), as in "It was a beautiful day for fishing: the sun was shining and the Pidgey were chirping."
    If you meant to say that, in addition to it being a beautiful day for fishing, these other things are also happening, you could substitute 'with' for 'as' and change the sentence structure a little, like this: "It was a beautiful day for fishing, with the sun shining and the Pidgey chirping."
    No big deal, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Arceusfan View Post
    I have never caught a Pokemon while fishing to this very day, so I was hoping that the nice weather would lend me a hand this afternoon.
    Using the present tense to say "I have never caught a Pokémon while fishing to this day," indicates that that's still the case even at the time your character is telling the story. Since clearly he has caught a Pokémon while fishing by the end of the story, I think you would be better served by using the past perfect tense: "I had never caught a Pokémon while fishing before, so I was hoping..."

    Quote Originally Posted by Arceusfan View Post
    Magikarp started flopping around in an excited way.
    This kind of made me grin. How does something flop excitedly? Maybe a bit more detail would be in order, for example: "Magikarp began to flop around even faster, its fishy mouth opening and shutting, as if it were excited. Or so I told myself."

    Anyways, all those are only small stylistic nitpicks, and I only mention them in case you decide for yourself to write such sentences differently in future.

    Really, the only major thing I would point your attention to is this:

    Quote Originally Posted by Arceusfan View Post
    Shroomish appeared in a flash of light from the Pokeball.
    We're all URPGers and will know what a Shroomish looks like. However, it's good to get in the habit of describing Pokémon (and, indeed, any new character who appears in a story,) to the reader. Maybe your Shroomish is different from other Shroomish in some way? Even if that's not the case, a reader might find your story easier to read if they don't have to pause and remember how a Shroomish looks.
    Even something as short as "My Shroomish, a Pokémon who looks like a pale green mushroom with stubby dark green legs," would go a long way.

    Besides that, things like the 'crisp breeze that whistled by [your character's] face every now and then,' bringing him 'the sweet smell of the flowers near the shore,' make the difference between an empty grey expanse surrounding your character and a world that seems real to the reader.

    Overall, the story meets and in many ways exceeds the criteria of an easy catch like Magikarp, enough so that I would look forward to seeing you try for a harder target. That would really give you a chance to make some plotline-related decisions instead of just writing a single short scene. At 3,507 characters, this story is about as long as it needs to be, though, so an actual plot will have to wait till next time!

    Magikarp: Caught.
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