19th April 2010, 05:43 PM #1
Miho the neko
Fishcakes (would like it graded, had to resubmit thread)
My first story...lets hope for the best.
Target pokemon: Magikarp
Expected length: 3k-5k
An eleven year old girl smiles as she logs onto the computer. Soon, her old mentor, Professor Willow, is on the screen. “Ah, Miho! Good to see you.”
Miho smiles a little “Thanks professor. How’s mom holding up?”
“She’s doing fine, how’s my old Pokémon doing? “
Miho smiles again, looking over to the front desk of the Pokémon centre, where a young Ralts is currently being treated. “Christine? She’s doing fine...Finally learned confusion.”
“Good.have you caught anything else yet?”
She had tried. In the week since she had left, her and Christine has ran into Starlys, Ratattas, and even a Wurmple or two. However, no matter what she did, nothing seemed to work. Pokémon would run away, or be knocked unconscious and mysteriously vanish. Christine would get scared and suddenly teleport away, leaving her to spend hours searching for her.
Professor Willow looks at her through the computer screen. “I see...don’t worry though. You’ll get the hang of it.”
Miho sighs a little “Yeah...I hope so...”
A small symbol flashes on the screen, showing an email has been received. Miho blinks a little. “Hold on professor...”
With that, she double clicks the symbol, opening her email...
“Come one, come all! The lake of rage fishing extravaganza is this Saturday! Fishing Enthusiast? Looking for a rare water type for your team? THEN COME ALONG FOR A CHANCE AT A SPECIALLY TRAINED, RED GYARADOS! ...Runners up keep whatever Pokémon they catch”
Miho slowly reads through before smiling, the professor’s voice coming through the speakers: “Miho? Are you still there?”
“Yeah...Sorry professor, I’ve got to get going...I need to get to the lake of rage.”
Two hours into the contest, with only a couple to go. Miho sighs a little as another Remoraid gets away. All around her, trainers and fisher’s all sit with the latest high-tech fishing gear, while she was forced to borrow an old one from the lake officials. Christine nudges at her hand worriedly, looking up at her. Miho smiles down at her. “Next time, hopefully...” With that, she recasts, sighing again. Christine looks up at her, before teleporting to the edge water, suddenly glowing light blue. Miho blinks as she looks at
The water bubbles slightly, before a large, blue water Pokémon emerges with a loud roar, ralts suddenly
yelping and teleporting behind her. Miho gasps “Wh...What is that?”The fisherman by her gasps, his cigarette falling out of his mouth “I...It’s a Gyarados!”
Miho looks at him as the Gyarados roars, swiping it’s powerful tail, a wall of water rushing towards her. Christine yelps again as she grabs her trainer, quickly teleporting her.
Miho closes her eyes in the blinding light of teleport, suddenly finding herself submerged in water. She quickly kicks to the surface, gasping for breath. “C...Christine?”
The small, green Feeling Pokémon is nowhere to be seen, the raging Gyarados now battling the fisherman she had been next to, atop a Tentacruel. Miho closes her eyes before quickly diving down, trying to find her Pokémon. A school of Magikarp swim past, as she thinks, suddenly getting an idea as she quickly swims towards one, pushing a Poke ball against one. “Please...work...”
The Magikarp lets out a “KAAAARRP!” before being pulled into the poke ball, Miho feeling it vibrate for a few seconds before finally resting. The thrill of catching her first Pokémon would have to wait as she quickly resurfaces, gasping for breath and releasing hew new Pocket monster.
“M...Magikarp...there’s a Ralts down there...find it!”
Magikarp jump into the water as she feels herself get yanked up by something, finding herself on top of a Tentacruel. The fisherman looks at her “I caught it...you okay?”
“N...No...My Ralts is down there!”
The fisherman swears, before quickly pulling out a poke ball, walking to the side to release a Pokémon.
“KAAAAAAAAAAARP!” A red flash jumps out of the water and lands on the Tentacruel, flopping about as small, green Pokémon weakly rolls off.
“C...Christine!” Miho quickly runs to the side of her Pokémon, pulling out a pair of poke balls and returning them, hugging them close. “I’m...so sorry...”
“Hm...Sounds like things got rough there for a while.” Professor Willow muses to her as she sits by the computer, waiting for Christine to be treated.
Miho sighs “Yeah...but the nurse says Christine should be fine".
Professor willow nods "By the way, what did you do with the Magikarp you caught?"
Miho just smiles a little, leaning back in her chair.
Comments are welcome and appriciated
EDIT: =/ just realised the whole "Don't ever say you caught the pokemon" rule...don't like this ending, but meh, guess it's the best I can do without completly changing the story...
Last edited by Nekogal; 20th April 2010 at 08:30 AM.
Reason: didn't realise the "Never say I caught the pokemon rule"...
19th April 2010, 06:13 PM #2
Re: Fishcakes (would like it graded, had to resubmit thread)
20th April 2010, 09:42 PM #3
Re: Fishcakes (would like it graded, had to resubmit thread)
Introduction: Your first story eh? I remember my first story. It wasn't any good. Yours is far better than mine. (I have to stop opening with this story. XDDD).
Plot: Miho is speaking with Professor Willow about her adventures in Pokemon catching. She previously has had no luck with catching Pokemon. While speaking to Willow, she sees an ad for a contest at the Lake of Rage. She leaves Willow and heads straight for the Lake of Rage, hoping to participate in the contest and find rare red Pokemon. When she gets there, she meets a Gyarados. Her Ralts teleports her away, and she watches the trainer next to her and the Gyarados do battle. Her Ralts goes missing, and on the way, she tries to catch a Magikarp.
For a first story, its a fine plot. Moving forward, there are a lot of unanswered questions, like why would Willow choose Miho to go on a journey for him? Why is there a contest at the Lake of Rage? Why is Miho so bad at catching Pokemon? And so on and so forth. You are also allowed to break from the formulaic anime plot. I've seen people write about vampires and other crazy things like that for Pokemon. Hell, the best story I wrote was about the beginnings of a brutal mercenary/dictator. You can literally do anything with these.
Length: 3,000 to 5,000 characters are required for a Magikarp. You've got almost 5,000, which is great for a first story.
Detail: You have some okay detail. For a first story, its fine, but as you go on, you're going to have to start describing a lot more. One great tip I was given, at least when describing Pokemon and their attacks, is pretend the reader has never seen a Pokemon before and describe your Pokemon like they're completely new beings. You really haven't described anything about Miho either, other than that she has a Ralts. You should describe other things you encounter as well.
Grammar/Spelling: There were several conventional errors in this piece. One I noticed right off the bat is that you don't capitalize a lot of proper nouns. Lake of Rage. Pocket Monster. Willow. Another is with your ellipses. When you use an ellipses, you put it after a word, and then you put a space between the third period and the next word. With quotations, you want to have a comma before adding one to a sentence or between a quotation and a continuation of a sentence.
Raidon looked up and said, "I think I'm going to grade some stories today."
"I think I'm going to grade some stories today," Raidon said with a smile on his face.
Concerning grammar and spelling, pretty good. One of the most interesting things about your story is that you decided to write in present tense, and I don't think you switched to past tense, so good job on keeping your tenses straight.
Battle: There really wasn't a battle at all. I guess the battle was the Tentacruel versus the Gyarados, but it wasn't really described at all. In the future, try to have a small battle or whatnot at the end of a story. Battles themselves need to be pretty detailed as well (like I said with describing Pokemon/attacks as something the reader has never seen before). In your next story, try to include one.
Outcome: Magikarp captured, but just barely. Good luck with your next story.