the first pokemon - Ready for grading

Results 1 to 2 of 2

Thread: the first pokemon - Ready for grading

  1. #1
    Techno Pussy Fawkes.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Gender
    Uncertain
    Location
    Scotland
    Posts
    1,393
    Trophies

    Default the first pokemon - Ready for grading

    this is a carry on from my first story "the aron problem"

    Part 2

    I stretched as I Peered up from my burrow looking around the small clearing that I had made my home. It wasn’t big enough to attract the attention of roving bands of pikachu or the occasional Trainer, but it was large enough for me, especially since I spend most of my time underground. I yawned as I stepped out of the dark shadow of the large apple tree that grew overhead, sheltering my burrow from flooding. My first port of call for the morning was food I turned back to the overbearing tree and looked up at the tantalising red fruits that hung out of my reach looking even more appetising, due to the glossy coat of water that covered it from the previous night.

    As much as I wanted them, they'd have to wait a few minutes. I vibrated the small flaps of skin on my torso, relieving all the tension that they might of gathered from my long slumber, raising my foreleg I scratched the whisker like antennae that hung from my snout, I advanced onto the main plains resting myself down by the large puddle that had formed in the rainstorm the night before and dipped my face into the water, wiping off any grime that I gained from my burrow. Looking into the Reflection I could see my battle scars, gashes from the fight lined my eyes, Memories of home came back to me in sudden short flashbacks, the longer I gazed into the water for the more vivid the flashbacks became, the more pain from my wounds.

    I wrenched my gaze away from my reflection, determined to focus on something other than that. I needed something to distract me and I was about to turn to the best distraction around, food, more specifically those apples from before, but this thought was disrupted when there was a rustling in the bushes behind me. I slowly smirked to myself, if it was those damn Pikachu that tried to prank me every few days then they were going to end up with a lot of wounds by the time I was through with them. The advantage of being the only Ground type type within the entire forest, The pikachus didn't mess with me as much as everyone else, although I get a few days were they must play a game of dares or something.

    Unfortunately, it wasn't those Pikachu, but some sort of Sphere, and I had to dive to the side to avoid a red and white ball that suddenly shot towards me.
    "Damnit," I growled as I leaped back to my feet and glared as two Humans came out of the brush. It was two males, I could tell that much, One was much older than the other, the youngest had short black hair and had a ‘deer walking for the first time’ feel to him as he stumbled through the bushes.

    “Almost got him, Daniel” he shouted to the taller boy.

    “That’s the way to do it, Jayce, he was just too fast for you” the older one called back.

    It was obvious the older one was some sort of teacher to the young boy probably out catching his first pokemon, but I am no starter pokemon, I am top quality, league champion material, not sounding big-headed or anything.

    “Lets try this one more time” the young one said, going into his bag and revealing a second ball and launching it promptly.I swiftly dodged the projectile with as much ease as the first. These guys weren't going to give up easily

    “Remember Jayce, pokemon are caught easier when they are hurt” the elder boy called out.

    At this, the words of a young professors assistant I overheard on the route nearby rung in my ear, but this was not the time to ponder on memories, the elder boy threw another ball at the young boy which he caught, it seems this is going to turn into a fight, good.

    "Come on out, Holden!" the young boy shouted. And just like that a fairly large dog appeared before me, what was this pokemon? I had never seen one before on the plains and therefore i did not know what to expect. But nevertheless I was ready for a fight so i tensed my body and fluttered my wings in order to create a loud vibration sound in an attempt to intimidate the dog, but it was unaffected. Crap, there goes the intimidation factor.

    "Holden, flamethrower," the trainer yelled. Almost instantaneously i was faced with a flare of flames racing towards me, I tried to jump out the way but the flames singed my Hindlegs, not quick enough. Now I’m angry, in retaliation I charged towards the large dog feeling my claws tense, they became heavier than usual and started to adopt a chromatic glow, becoming solid steel just in time for me to make contact. The dog was pushed back a few feet but looked almost un-phased by one of my strongest attacks; this is not going to go well.

    "take down, Holden," the kid yelled out, knowing what was coming I braced for the oncoming pokemon, seconds before contact and I swiftly moved a few steps to the right causing the dog to continue running straight past me but with my incredible quick thinking I jabbed my whiskers into it's legs and begun to suck, I could feel the canines life force being transferred into my body, coursing through my veins. This caused it to squeal in pain, that one did some damage I thought to myself proudly.

    “Holden!” the elder trainer called out worried, this must obviously be his pokemon but I don’t care if it means I can stay free in the wild this pokemon can faint for all I care.

    I pulled out my whiskers from it's leg and turned to the injured pokemon in a gloating fashion but the proud feeling had drained from me almost as fast as it came, I turned to find the pokemon, not on the floor injured, no, but standing over me in the same manner as the apple tree at my patch once did, eyes filled with rage. And then I heard it.

    “Holden, flamethrower” those words echoed in my ear there was no way I could stand a hit from this distance, all I could do was stand there and watch the pokemon inhale, the pure air and then exhale my doom.

    I could feel, my scales harden being contracted by the sheer heat surrounding my body, the wings on my torso had almost completely disintegrated. The flames subsided and I had no energy left, I could do no more, I was beaten.

    “Now Jayce the Nincada is weakened, throw your pokeball” and then it happened, in the corner of my eye, a red and white object similar to before, contact. The trees, the ground, the dog standing over me, all became red...crap.

    target pokemon = nincada
    suggested length = 5 - 10k
    actual length = 6k
    Last edited by Fawkes.; 5th April 2011 at 08:00 AM.

  2. #2
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    Chicago, Illinois
    Posts
    978

    Default Re: the first pokemon - Ready for grading

    Intro/Plot:
    Unfortunately there was not much of a story at all. Nincada wakes up, trainer finds him. Battle. Capture attempt. However it was written in such a way that almost made it have some kind of backing; like the battle itself was the story and the plot .. all that good stuff.

    I thought the point of view was interesting as well. Not many stories were written from the point of view of the Pokemon itself, another differing and interesting thing in your short story. However, if this were for any other Pokemon (not simple), this would not be a good way to write a story. For harder tiered Pokemon you'll need more backing to a story - more flesh to it, something to make it mean something.

    Because it was different, I liked it.

    Grammar:
    You didn't proof read did you! Nor did you throw it into some kind of grammar/spelling correcter. Getting any little errors out are a good idea, and any correcting program will be able to - Word has one built into it. If you google "grammar/spelling correcter" I'm sure there are plenty out there as well. Now for some corrections!
    • Anything that is related to Pokemon should be capitalized, whether it be a move or the word itself.
    • After any dialogue you need a comma, period, question mark, something! This is a good post explaining it.
    • Ridding of random typos makes stories flow better! Use the grammar correction method, as explained up there!


    Length:
    Could've been longer, but 6k characters is coo'

    Detail:
    This is somewhere that you excelled and didn't excel at the same time. In the beginning of used good description when describing Nincada. I could clearly see that it was some kind of bug (assuming I didn't know you were already Nincada :tongue:) that would be burrowing underground. In the first few paragraphs you did a good job in describing pretty much everything, but then came in the two trainers and it just died off. :sad:

    You didn't describe the Pokemon the boy sent out at all, I'd assumed it was a Growlithe since it used Flamethrower. BUT, you need to assume that whoever is grading your story has no idea what a Pokemon looks like. Or even better, pretend we're completely blind. What does fur look like? What color? How many legs? Is it soft, rough, fluffly? Give an explanation of everything you can. However, do not do this in one sentence or paragraph. For example,

    The Pokemon opened it mouth, cluttered with razor sharp teeth, and growled in such a loud pitch that its fur blew in wind.

    That doesn't give a perfect description, but now we know its got pretty furious teeth and its got long enough fur to be blown around. Any simple description can help, really.

    For the most part you did fine. But don't just drop descriptions out like you did sometimes. :happy:

    Battle:
    The story was the battle! It was good, taking up most of your space. However, there was a little lack of description of what things looked like. Instead of calling Flamethrower a fiery of flames you could say "a whirlwind of sizzling flames streamed towards me". That would give me the impression that it was a giant blast of fire, rather than just some little flames coming out.

    It also would have been cool if Nincada had fought back a little. But not much it can do against a fire doggy, now is there? Just remember don't make battles completely one-sided!

    This was fine though.

    Outcome:
    Hmmm. This was a kind of hard decision, however since you've been waiting for 2+ months I will give Nincada to you. However, take some of the things I said into mind.
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 26th April 2011 at 04:54 PM.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •