First Choice

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Thread: First Choice

  1. #1
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default First Choice

    Target Pokemon: Gulpin
    Target Difficulty: Medium
    Character Count: 9,601 (of 10000)

    ~~~~~

    I don’t know what to do, or where to go, or who to see. I’m paralysed by fear and indecision. Sure, this might all work out, but the chances are much better that I’m going to screw up somehow and completely ruin my life. If you can call it a life. Given my track record and general outlook, that’s the more likely option.

    See, I’ve always been different. Despite being Poison-type Pokemon, Gulpin are usually very happy and optimistic creatures. All the others were. I mean, there was never really anything to do except eat and sleep. A few liked to train and go travelling with Trainers, but very few of us were taken. I don’t really blame the Trainers – all us Gulpin can really do is spew poison and throw our weight around. What are we in comparison to the fire-breathing Charizard, or the electricity-wielding Emolga, or the psychic Alakazam?

    Anyway, no matter what the other Gulpin in the colony wanted to do with their future, they were happy. Always either blissful in ignorance or working to attain their dreams. Me, on the other hand – I never saw much of a point. The only thing I enjoyed doing was watching the Pokemon battles on our route, and imagining what it would be like to be those Pokemon. Sleek, strong, swift. As opposed to the useless green blob that I am. I have little power, less potential, and no chance of changing the way that I am. I tried eating and sleeping my days away, but the amount of food that I was consuming made me feel even worse about myself and continually sleeping got tedious - to the point of insomnia. I also temporarily attempted to increase my battle skills, but once a Gulpin has mastered the skill of projectile vomiting there’s not much farther he can go. I wasn’t even interested in making friends with the other Gulpin – I’m bland and uninteresting and have nothing to offer them.

    So, I lived my life in the only way that seemed fitting. I ate when I hungered, slept when I tired, and spent every other waking moment watching the Trainers go past. Wishing with all my might that I could be someone I wasn’t. Anyone I wasn’t.

    Then, one day, I got my chance. It wasn’t that long ago, actually. A Trainer saw me watching her battle with her Skitty and she smiled at me. It was a warm, friendly smile. A small voice inside told me to go to her, but as always I crushed that voice. No one would want me, a pathetic little Gulpin. I sunk low into the grass, and she seemed to lose sight of me. I fancied that a flicker of sadness crossed her face, but I immediately discarded that as a possibility. She was a Trainer, a human – and a pretty one at that. I didn’t deserve to be on her Pokemon team. She flicked her long strawberry-blonde hair over her shoulder and turned back to the battle, and I felt myself die a little inside.

    She left soon after, and I retreated to the cool area I had claimed as my nest. I was fully expecting that encounter to be the highlight of my month, but as it turned out I was wrong. She appeared again the next day, in the exact same place, this time battling a Minun with her Shieldon. She saw me again and smiled once more. This time, I didn’t hide. I just watched her as she commanded her attacks and eventually won. She went to look for me again but I had already left. Really, she was cruel, getting my hopes up like that. Lots of the Trainers just wanted to train their Pokemon, not catch new ones, and so we were little more than punching bags. Who was to say she was any different?

    And so every day for the next week, she appeared in the same spot. Sometimes she would battle Trainers. Others - wild Pokemon. Some days she’d even just sit around and enjoy the scenery. However, every time she would look around and smile at me. I started to feel special. I ate more, and slept better. Whenever she looked for me and smiled, I started to smile back. In retrospect, the action probably would have looked horrifying on my bloated green body.

    Eventually, I worked up the courage to go up to her. She was eating lunch - some kind of sandwich pulled out her backpack. She pulled a corner off and gave it to me. I took it quickly with my stubby green arms and popped it into my mouth. It was honestly the most delicious thing I have ever tasted; the berries that grew around here couldn’t even compare. She smiled that gentle smile at me and fed me some more, until I couldn’t take being in her presence any more. I fled with a final tidbit and retreated to my nest. I was filled with warmth and happiness, and it felt nice. Much different to the way I usually felt. There were still some unanswered questions, though. Why was she being so nice to me? I am a useless, fat, unattractive blob that has no special skills whatsoever. There was no way she would be interested in trying to capture me.

    As it turned out, I was wrong once again. When I went back the following day, after she split a small cake between her Skitty and me, she asked me if I would like to battle. Immediately, my worst suspicions were confirmed. She had just been befriending me so that I would lose to her Skitty and it could get some battle experience. Still, even if I had known this with certainty right from the beginning, I probably would have done the same. This human was the only thing in my entire life that had ever made me feel good and dragged me out of the continual black hole of depression that was my entire life. Tears welled up in my eyes but I squeezed them back and gave a slight nod. The Trainer squealed and gave me a quick hug but I barely registered it. I was already dead inside.

    She backed up a bit and her Skitty followed suit. It started by headbutting me in my stomach – I barely registered this as an attack due to all my flab. The Trainer frowned and looked at me expectantly, and I realised that I was supposed to attack. I slapped at the ground with one of my flabby arms and a bit of dirt flew into the Skitty’s face. It mewled with distaste and started scratching me with its claws. My fat might have protected me from the blunt force of a Headbutt, but it did nothing against the slashing attacks of the Normal-type’s Faint Attack. I grunted in surprise and started exuding poison from my skin in an attempt to deter the cat, and it worked. The Skitty backed up and looked up at its Trainer, questioning the girl silently.

    “Charge Beam,” she commanded, and crackling electricity surrounded the cat. The sparks took on the shape of a lance and blasted towards me. My fat did nothing to lessen the pain of this attack either. I felt so ashamed and unwanted that all I could do was squat in the grass, waiting miserably for this battle to be over so I could go back to being a nobody.

    “Now, Thunderbolt!” the young girl called, and a much larger blast of energy hurled me into the air. I landed with a crash on some hard dirt. Strangely, instead of making me feel worse, the attack caused me to feel something I never felt before: rage. Well, perhaps rage was too strong a word, but it was definitely more than just battling spirit. I righted myself and spat a huge glob of purple poison into the air. The gunk arced perfectly and struck the Skitty on its pink back. The cat mewled in despair and started trying to scratch at the acidic substance.

    I wasn’t done yet. I charged towards the cat with all of the meagre speed nature had provided me and headbutted it before breathing poison gas onto it at point-blank range. The Skitty started coughing feebly, and it pushed at me in an attempt to escape. The motions were futile as I was still covered in the poisonous armour from before. I continued to exhale the noxious chemicals until I realised that the cat was no longer resisting. It was breathing, but limp. I immediately went cold. I had almost killed a Pokemon, one belonging to the only person who had ever been nice to me. I jumped off the fainted Skitty and started running. Well, not running as much as slithering. I heard the sound of a PokeBall opening and I knew the Trainer was just returning her Skitty. She also started shouting, which I expected. However, what I didn’t expect was what she was actually shouting.

    The Trainer was imploring me to come back. She was saying how I battled with raw passion and she has never seen such a display of talent in her entire life. She wanted me to go with her on her adventure. Water rose to my eyes again, and I continued to slither away, hidden by the tall grass. She shouldn’t be saying such nice things about me. I nearly killed her friend in a moment of anger. I possess exactly zero good qualities and do not deserve any form of happiness. I tried to cover my ears as I snuck away, but this meant that the tears could now more easily stain the uncaring dirt.

    So, this is where I find myself, crying alone in my cold nest. Damn that girl. I had an existence before she came. Maybe it wasn’t a happy one, but it was suitable for me. Now I have all kinds of voices swirling around in my head. Some tell me that this is a chance for happiness and I should take it. Others tell me that I’m a monster and don’t deserve happiness. A few simply point out that I’m fat and ugly. I’ve spent the entire night laying here and wrestling with myself. The sun will be up in a couple hours, and I’m sure the Trainer will be there again. Should I go see her? Do I even deserve to see her? What if she takes me along on her adventure, and I disappoint her along the way? That would be worse than simply staying here and eking out a barren life.

    I don’t know what to do. Should I go see her and embark upon a journey fraught with risk, or stay here in the dark where I feel I belong?
    Voltaire Magneton and Smiles like this.
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  2. #2
    Registered User Smiles's Avatar
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    Default Re: First Choice

    CHAINY!~ <3 Claiming this because it's the last part of my grader's test and cause you're awesome~

    Should have the grade done very soon~ If Hannah approves of my grade, I'll post it right after!
    URPG

  3. #3
    Registered User Smiles's Avatar
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    Default Re: First Choice

    First grade ever! (':

    Plot:

    So this seems like the classical "trainer finds Pokemon" story but in reverse, with our perspective on a very intriguing lil Gulpin. For such a seemingly simple story, you had layers of pain and disorder here that were disturbingly awesome to pull apart. There's the manner of the Gulpin's perpetual anxiety, his eating disorders, his depression and more in such a simple story. What I liked most here was the fact that the whole story is a circle, with the title being an interesting bend in this hard knot. Is the Gulpin's first choice his decision to stay with the trainer, or is it the first choice in an unfulfilling life? Whatever it may be, I absolutely loved this! Brilliant plot idea conveyed in a wonderfully depressing way.

    I noticed that you wrote a few general flashbacks in the story that really attributed to poor Gulpin's past of non-belonging. I enjoyed these! For future stories, I would suggest making the anecdotes more specific, potent and powerful. Having a scene of Gulpin where we see him struggle trying to connect to others of his kind (or something like this) would pack even more of a punch to the reader.

    Other than that, you had a lovely plot!

    Description:

    “Charge Beam,” she commanded, and crackling electricity surrounded the cat. The sparks took on the shape of a lance and blasted towards me.
    Yay! I loved this detail. The crackling and the lance really left an image in my head. I wanted to see more of this type of detail in the story.

    Sensory details overall were almost nonexistent. Gulpin was described as an unattractive green blob, but I felt like a little more here could have happened. The perpetual drooping of his eyes or something would be a detail that not only attributes to his appearance but also the overall tone of melancholy. Knowing what the sandwich tasted like or the feel of the grass are examples of little sensory details that would have filled in the picture a little bit more. I do like the way the trainer was described as having the long, strawberry blonde hair however! This was a symbolic detail that immediately characterized her as a sweet, loving type of girl. Great job with that detail!

    Of course, description is not just sensory. It encompasses the subtleties within a story that make all the difference. We had a few details here then, of Gulpin's very depressing self-loathing, eating disorders and more. The details you conveyed here really hit me; great job on these! When you can make the audience feel something from your detail, you know you've done your job! However, I felt a few details were missing. Based on Gulpin's disposition differences from the other Gulpin and his almost sagacious knowledge of other Pokemon (like the Alakazam, Emolga, his wisdom in understanding the patterns of trainers), I wondered about why his difference came about in the first place. Why does he think he's a monster? Little details like that would have been nice.

    Grammar:

    Perfect, wonderful job on this section! My only worry was that Trainer was always capitalized. This initially worried me because it is not a proper noun (unless it's titling somebody, "Trainer Elise"). After further inspection, I see that Trainer can be capitalized because it's part of the Pokemon world like Gulpin or Skitty. So yeah, great job!

    Length:

    The story fell below the actual minimum character count range of 10-20k. The minimum would have been met if more details were employed to describe the trainers or the battle scenes or the location itself. Otherwise, I thought Gulpin's emotions were fleshed out perfectly given the length. We just needed a little bit more detail.

    Outcome:

    This is very borderline. Description and length were lacking and would not pass for a Pokemon of higher level. The few powerful details you had have saved you, as well as the plot. Gulpin Captured. He better leave with that girl before he changes his mind again!
    URPG

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