15th April 2010, 10:16 AM #1
First Capture: VS Elekid!
I hope I'm posting this in the right place. Please comment!
Route 205, Sinnoh region. Two lone figures enter from the Valley Windworks terminal, bathed in the glow of a fire-red sunset.
En route to Eterna City, we hear some rumours of wild Elekid roaming the tall grass. One Hiker gave us a particularly vivid
description - "Saw a bunch of Elekid while comin' back from Eterna, myself. Mind you, they're a rarity in these parts. But
the very next morning, I go back to make a capture, and not a trace of them."
Another trainer, a Youngster tells us of his encounter with these elusive Pokémon: "I saw a bunch of Elekid in the grass.
Didn't have any Pokéballs with me then. But I do remember smelling something burning. I didn't see any smoke or fire
I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Digiraiderk (sorry for using my user name, if anyone wants to gripe about it), an
traveling Pokémon trainer, on my way to the Pokémon League. My friend, Prof. Maple, is the one who started me off, giving me
my first Pokémon, Riolu, who I nickname Rio. She follows me around a lot, claiming to need my help for field research. My
guess - she's just goofing off.
Anyway, the reason why we're even listening to these rumours should be pretty obvious by now. I really want an Elekid. I've
always particularly wanted an Electivire, after seeing one of my idols use one. So, now I've got my chance to get an
Electivire for myself!
"Maybe they appear only at certain times?" Maple suggests."The only way to find out would be to take a look for ourselves!" I
retort. "You don't be so snippy about it...........Don't forget to stock up on Pokéballs.""Yeah, yeah. I'm not a novice
y'know. Why are you following me again?"
Bickering even as we exit Florama Town, we pass the Valley Windworks and head north. Repeating what we've heard from other
trainers, Prof. Maple lists off what we know about the Electric Pokémon: "First, they appear only in the tall grass, and are
pretty rare even then. Second, if the Elekid are really here, then we'd apparently smell something burning. Third, as an
Electric type, ground types would be effective here."
"You didn't have to mention that last one. I've been telling you I'm not a beginner. Heck, I've played all the games too!" I
point out, frustrated with her backseat driving. Then she hits below the belt: "Well, you haven't caught a single Pokémon
yet. As for playing those RPG's, they're not very accurate." That hurts. "And, you've got only one Pokémon - The Riolu I gave
you." "Hey, Rio's more than enough! Plus he's not your garden-variety Riolu!"
As we enter the first patch of tall grass within sight, she relents. "I'll admit that Rio's special. Knowing Aura Sphere is a rarity among Riolu........... Hey, do you see......sparks? No, it can't be........" I smell something on fire and pumping
with adrenaline, I rush though the grass and find myself face to face with...........
A Bidoof. The Beaver Pokémon's gnawing on a flashlight some idiot left behind. Pissed off, I swipe the torch and shoo the
Bidoof away. "Nice capture.", Maple sarcastically comments. "Man, these things won't leave me alone. Everywhere I go, I've got to fend off Bidoof by the dozen." I complain. The Professor sighs and says "Well, we've got all night.............."
After encountering about ten more Bidoof, a couple of Buizel and running into several trees in the dark, I finally have
enough sense to stop wandering around blindly in the dark and turn on the flashlight. Then I curse: It's busted, and
producing sparks all over the body. As I'm about to turn it off (before starting a fire), Lady Luck shines on me. A wild
Elekid emerges from the grass, attracted to the electricity given out by the broken torch. "Seems you've lured one out, huh?
Nice thinking using electricity to attract an Electric Pokémon", Maple complimets. "Uh, yeah. That's what I was planning.
Yup. Right. Now, it's capture time!"
Dropping the flashlight, I each my Pokéball, and send out Rio. Elekid, now more wary, takes a defensive stance, ready to
retaliate against attacks. Deciding to make the first move, I shout, "Rio, Quick Attack!" Rio speeds towards Elekid and hits
it hard. While Elekid struggles to get back to its feet, Rio jumps back ready for the second round. Deciding to continue the
onslaught, "Rio! Force Palm! Go!"
My luck just ran out. Rio struggles to move, paralyzed. Behind me, the professor quips, "Looks like Elekid's Static got to
it..." "Now you tell me this?!" I cry. While this goes on, Elekid seizes its chance and slugs Rio with its' Ice Punch. What a time to be without a Paralyze Heal. Whatever. I never expected this to be easy. Can't let it go on too long though.
The Elekid decides to go on the offensive and uses Thundershock. Already I'm in a pinch and it's using STAB. Great. But, Rio
overcomes the paralysis and dodges. Always an opportunist, I shout, "Rio, Aura Sphere! Point-blank range!". As Elekid readies
another Ice Punch. Rio, quick as usual, ducks the icy blow, slamming a whirling torrent of aura straight at the little
sparkplug. With a deafening explosion, Elekid gets blown back.
Elekid looks pretty beat up at this point. Figuring I won't get a better chance than this, I ready my Pokéball. Lobbing it
towards my foe, I'm pretty shocked, to the the Pokéball get shocked. "Looks like this one's got some fight left in him." nags Maple. "Yeah, I can see that." I counter, sarcasm lost on her. "But it's fine like this anyway. I like a Pokémon with spunk!"
Readying a second Pokéball, I pitch it at the Electric Pokémon.
This time, it goes into to the ball, only to escape after a few seconds. Damn. After several tries, before I know it, I'm
down to my last Pokéball. "Should've bought some more, huh?" the annoying Prof. says. I tell her something obscene to shut
her up, but as usual, no point. "Shame on you! What would your mother say?!" "Who knows? Anyway keep quiet. This is my last
Fiddling with the last of my Pokéballs, I hurl it at Elekid with all I've got. It gets sucks into the ball in an incandescent
burst of red light. It shakes once. I start to sweat. Again. Now, I'm really anxious. A third time. I feel like wetting my pants.
I dare not hope the capture has been successful, trying not to jinx myself. As the light of the Pokéball grows dim, my
Pokédex, registers my new catch. I sigh in relief, with my first capture successful. Maple, on the other hand, is not so
relaxed, screaming, "OK!!! You finally caught a Pokémon! Boy, was I worried there. I mean you're not the most exceptional
trainer I've seen. But still! That was excellent! I mean......" "Shut up! You'll wake up every other Pokémon in the area!"
She sighs. "Whatever. Anyway, check your Pokédex to get some info about your new partner!" What the heck? I flip open Dexter
and look up my Elekid. It displays all the info about Elekid. "So, you've got a mild, mannered male Elekid. Oh, look, it's holding an Electrizer too! That's rare. So, what are you gonna name it?" I pause to think and come up with an excellent name, if I do say so myself - "How about 'Wire'? Or maybe 'Volt'?" "Just don't name it Kid the Elekid.......... Your naming sense sucks.........."
15th April 2010, 12:19 PM #2
Re: First Capture: VS Elekid!
I'll be grading this :) Since I've got nothing else to do, I should have it up in a flash.
16th April 2010, 06:05 AM #3
Re: First Capture: VS Elekid!
Pretty much, the plot is that there is a new trainer starting out on his journey and going to catch his first Pokémon. That's perfectly acceptable for a first story, so no qualms here. I liked how you strayed slightly from the typical plot, in such that you didn't have it so that the trainer was waking up and going to the lab and choosing. That's the sort of thing that we encourage people who write stories to do – stray from anything that could be considered overused. As you start out, we don't ask for a huge deal of creativity, but it's nice to see that you can do that, as it'll definitely help if you start to aim for higher ranked mons.
Immediately, you've introduced us to the settings – where you are, what's going on. It worked how you left who you were until later, as it made the reader think 'Who is this? What's going to happen?', which in turn made them want to continue reading your story. I thought that you could've maybe given us more of a background to the two characters, though - did Prof. Maple have a history of trying to slack off on her job? Was Digiraiderk like Ash - aspiring to be the best Pokemon Trainer of all time - or was he just doing it as some sort of hobby? Bringing alive your characters can really make a difference.
I actually only noticed this after having a bit of a break during the grading and coming back to this – you've written the entire story in first person, which is something a lot of people choose not to do. Most people choose to write in third person, as, generally speaking, most people find it easier. It's great that you've managed to write it consistently in first person, so kudos to you.
However, I did notice some things that could do with being pointed out.
You did this pretty often – whenever a new person starts to speak, you go onto a new paragraph. So, there'd be a break between 'Pokeballs."' And '"Yeah, yeah':
Originally Posted by you
Originally Posted by me
One thing that I thought was quite odd was that sometimes you went to a new line in between sentences, before the page had run out of space. For example
I don't know why you did it, but it's unnecessary. The forum will automatically word wrap your text for you.
Originally Posted by you
I think you overused ellipses (…) quite a bit, and when you did use them, you went a bit overboard. Only three are needed, not a big line.
And this is sort of nitpicky, but it bugged me.
Originally Posted by you
Its = possession. (It hit it with its Ice Punch)
It's = It is [in some cases, it has] (It's <it is> not a good idea. It's <it has> only gotten worse.)
Apart from those, you seem to know basically what you're doing, which is good. There were probably some mistakes I missed, so in future, take quite a bit of time to proofread. Of course, don't spend days proofreading a 5k story – make the amount of time you spend relative to the length. :)
Elekid is a Simple mon, so 5k-10k is what's needed. Your story was around 7.2k, so that's fine.
There was little description. You said stuff like 'whirling torrent of aura', which was good, and fine for a Simple mon in my opinion, but you could've gone further. What colour was the aura? Was it a smooth orb of energy, or was it misshapen and crackling?
You also needed to describe your characters. It's all well and good that we know who the main character is, but if we can't imagine what he looks like, it's hard to relate with them. Is he a 6ft Greek god with long, swirling blonde hair and muscles that threaten to rip his shirt at any minute, or is he an average teenager with shaggy brown hair who wears a t-shirt and jeans on a regular basis?
Just basic description will do for a Simple story. Even if it's just saying that Riolu was a short Pokémon that resembled a dog, and that Elekid was yellow and stout. I think the quality of your description is fine for now; you just need to keep the amount of description up.
The battle was fine for a Simple mon – it was good how you included abilities and paralysis, and you also differed from the game's way of battling. These are all key ideas when writing for stronger mons. You could've brought this up a notch by perhaps incorporating status moves or stat raising/dropping moves. These can add flavour to a battle, and also turn the tide of the battle completely if used smartly. Possibilities are endless when writing stories, and there are many moves and combinations that you can interpret in your own way.
One thing I'd just like to say is that usually, people say that you shouldn't actually say that you caught the mon in your story, but I don't have a problem with that as long as you know that you won't actually get the mon unless the Grader passes it. Also, you won't get the Electrizer either, whatever happens.
Overall, this was a decent story. There was a bit of a quip with the description, but there weren't any other major problems, and it's your first story.. So, I'm happy to say Elekid Captured!
17th April 2010, 02:16 AM #4
Re: First Capture: VS Elekid!
Thanks for your time in grading this one! I hope to avoid those screw ups in the future