The First Capture Next To The Waters

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: The First Capture Next To The Waters

  1. #1
    I'm the Blaze Master now! InfernoFlames's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    On a boat to Castelia City harbor for the bacon
    Posts
    824
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default The First Capture Next To The Waters

    Author: InfernoFlames
    Length: 3-5k
    Pokémon: Magikarp (Easiest)
    Grader: Waiting for one


    I was walking along the nearby river with my partner Ari next to me. "Say Ari, how about we try to capture a new pokemon to our family?" I asked my Riolu. "Rio!" said the little black and blue dog-like creature, as she smiled towards the idea. Ari felt very happy about the idea. I said, "Alright then, let's see what we can find here." Right after finishing that sentence, as if on cue, a Magikarp came out of the river and was flopping on the ground. "Magikarp, karp!" said the floppy pokemon. "Whoa, well what do you know? A Magikarp!" I said in astonishment. "And I know they can evolve into a very powerful Gyarados." I thought to myself. "Ok Ari, time to do some battling!" I told Ari. "Riolu!" cried my partner in excitement. Although the Magikarp was on land, it too looked like it was ready for battle. "Karp!" yelled the fish. I commanded Ari, "Alright Ari, let's do this quick and easy; so use a Quick Attack!" "Rio!" Ari agreed. Using her fast legs, she ran straight towards the Magikarp and landed a clean hit. "Good job Ari!" I said. Ari replied happily, "Rio!" But the Magikarp wasn't down yet. It quickly got back up from the attack and came coming towards Ari with a Tackle attack. I gasped, "Ari quickly, dodge it!" Ari listened and obeyed my command. She side-stepped to the left, barely dodging the attack. The Magikarp however, was not done yet. Before I could even react, the Magikarp surprised Ari with another Tackle. Ari was hit and was sent flying back a few feet towards the river. "Ari, are you ok over there?" I asked. "Lu!" replied Ari as she got back up. I told Ari, "Ok then. This time, let's use Force Palm!" "Rio!" Ari went straight up into the Magikarp's face. She then held up her hand to slam it straight into Magikarp's scared face. Magikarp was knocked back a few feet. "Karrppp!" screamed the red fish. It didn't look like it could keep up the battle much longer. "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye. "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" I asked. Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her. "Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack!" I hastly thought to myself. "Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down. "Oh no Ari!" I cried as I ran towards her. But before I reached her, she tiredly got back up. "Ari are you alright?" I asked my fatigue partner. "Lu..." gasped Ari. "Ok then, I guess it's time to end this then." I told Ari as I smiled. "Rio." said Ari as she smiled back at me. "Karp?" wondered Magikarp, as it was wondering what was going on between Ari and I. I declared to Magikarp "Hmph, Magikarp prepared to be caught." I then commanded Ari, "Ari, time for our secret attack! Use Copycat!" "Riolu!" said Ari. "Magikarp!" gasped Magikarp, as it looked like it knew what was about to happen. Ari closed her eyes and moved her hands in a certain pattern, preparing to use the move that was about to be copied by Copycat. "Rio!" said Ari, as she opened her eyes. Ari then jumped towards Magikarp, just like how it jumped towards Ari. "Karp!" cried Magikarp. "Rio!" cried Ari, as she attacked with the same Flail attack that Magikarp used on her. Magikarp was about to be knocked out. "Oh no you don't!" I said. I grabbed a pokeball from my belt and lobbed it at the Magikarp as it was landing onto the ground. The pokeball landed on the fish's body and sucked it up into it's cold, hollow sphere. "Alright Ari, we did it!" I happily said to Ari, as she was coming back towards me. When she came back, I gave her a hug. "Thanks a lot partner, I couldn't have done this without you." "Riolu!" said Ari in cheer. "Now let's see if the pokeball caught the Magikarp."

    ==================================================
    My first story attempt. Hopefully I'll catch this little Magikarp and add it onto my team. Hoping for a good grade,

    ~InfernoFlames
    Last edited by InfernoFlames; 17th April 2010 at 01:10 PM.

    3DS FC: 2492-4691-1324
    I
    URPG Trainer Stats

  2. #2
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    On My Feet
    Posts
    210

    Default Re: The First Capture Next To The Waters

    Claimed for Grading. :)

  3. #3
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    On My Feet
    Posts
    210

    Default Re: The First Capture Next To The Waters

    Introduction:
    "Say Ari, how about we try to capture a new pokemon to our family?"
    The above quote is pretty much all the readers need to know about your introduction. Because you're aiming for a Magikarp, this story doesn't need to be all that long, and an introduction like this is perfectly acceptable.

    Since following this, you will probably write stories for something more complex than Pokemon in the Easiest category, now would be an excellent time to talk to you about something that all new writers need to know about: hooks! Basically, a hook is an introduction that draws the reader into the story and makes them want to find out what happens next. The hook that you provided with the above quote is enough for a Magikarp, but when you decide to write for something more complex, you'll want to make your introduction strong in order to keep the reader interested.

    As an example, in this story, you could have started us off mid-battle with the Magikarp, just before it prepared to Flail. You could then flash back and show how you came across it. ou could also start off by describing the Magikarp's entrance, giving enough detail to make it seem like something dangerous...before revealing that it is, in fact, just a Magikarp. This adds a bit of humor and still draws the reader in.

    So that's the basic rundown about hooks. From here on out, try to include them in your story, because they are one of the most important things to learn here!

    Plot:
    Walking along near a river, your character decides that it's time to find and capture another team member. Your partner, a Riolu named Ari, agrees to this notion. As if on cue, a Magikarp conveniently flops from the river (no fishing rod required!), leading your character to do battle with it in an attempt to capture it.

    To put it basically, this is a simple plot for a (less than) simple Pokemon. In other words, this is also acceptable. Like introductions, though, you should know that a more complex plot will be necessary for a more complex Pokemon, so make sure that, in the future, you expand on your plots based on what you're trying to capture.

    Dialogue:
    The dialogue in this story is also pretty basic, but again, this is understandable. It's difficult to get a lot of dialogue in when a story is in this category because most stories are relatively short, and don't really need the dialogue. However, this presents me with another opportunity to advise you, this time in the way of dialogue!

    Dialogue is necessary in just about any story, and it usually serves one major purpose therein: to help convey the personalities of the characters involved in the story. As such, it's important that the exchanges you include in your story serve this purpose. From the short exchange before the wild Magikarp appeared in the beginning of your story, I could tell that your character and Ari already had a strong bond, because Ari is quick to agree to your statements. In the future, when more characters are introduced in the story, it's important that you let the reader into their personalities using dialogue.

    For example, I recently viewed your stats, and saw that you also own a Garchomp now. Its Nature is given as Adamant; this means that, when it is in a battle in a future story, it will show stubbornness when it is weaker and close to defeat. It will naturally be headstrong, as well; perhaps you can use this to your advantage by having it run headlong into a dangerous situation that your character might be apprehensive to get involved with. These are, of course, just ideas, but they all help to convey the personalities of your character's Pokemon, and give your story depth.

    It's also important that you develop your own character beyond a trainer that catches Pokemon, because that type of character has been overused in Pokemon stories since they were first written. So make the exchanges between your character and your Pokemon also reflect your character's personality, because it allows readers to connect to your character better.

    This is, of course, for when you attempt to catch more difficult Pokemon, because what you have included here is acceptable for Magikarp.

    Grammar:
    This is where I felt your story had the most trouble. I noticed this immediately upon reading it for one major reason: the whole story is collapsed into one "paragraph". Because of this, I'm going to offer some suggestions for in the future that explain the proper mechanics for your story.

    The most important thing that you need to know to fix your grammar is this: whenever there is a new speaker, their line of dialogue must be given a new paragraph. Here's an excerpt of your story that will help illustrate my point:

    "Karrppp!" screamed the red fish. It didn't look like it could keep up the battle much longer. "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye. "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" I asked. Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her. "Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack!" I hastly thought to myself. "Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down. "Oh no Ari!" I cried as I ran towards her. But before I reached her, she tiredly got back up. "Ari are you alright?" I asked my fatigue partner. "Lu..." gasped Ari. "Ok then, I guess it's time to end this then." I told Ari as I smiled. "Rio." said Ari as she smiled back at me.
    Let's fix it up, shall we? With the rule in mind, the above excerpt look something like this:

    "Karrppp!" screamed the red fish. It didn't look like it could keep up the battle much longer.

    "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye.

    "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" I asked. Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her. "Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack!" I hastly thought to myself. "Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down.

    "Oh no Ari!" I cried as I ran towards her. But before I reached her, she tiredly got back up.

    "Ari are you alright?" I asked my fatigue partner.

    "Lu..." gasped Ari.

    "Ok then, I guess it's time to end this then." I told Ari as I smiled.

    "Rio." said Ari as she smiled back at me.
    There, that's better. As you can see, each time the speaker shifts, they are given a new paragraph when they begin speaking. Towards the beginning, I made a separation even though the same speaker was talking; with practice using proper mechanics, you'll know when it is appropriate to switch to a new paragraph, even if the same person is speaking.

    Now then, here's another important thing to remember: if the same person speaks multiple times in a row, you don't need to narrate the action associated with that line every time a detail is given between. For illustration, this:

    "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye.

    "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" I asked. Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her. "Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack!" I hastly thought to myself. "Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down.
    ...Becomes this, using both of the rules I just showed you:

    "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye.

    "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her. "Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack! Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down.
    While I'm using this part of the text, I should mention that thoughts are usually conveyed using single-quotes or italics depending on preference. Thoughts, like lines of dialogue, are given new paragraphs, even if the speaker is the same. My preference is with italics, so that's how I'll convey your character's thoughts from the above quote here:

    "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye.

    "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" I asked. Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her.

    Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack! I hastly thought to myself.

    "Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down.
    Now, let's put it all back together and see how it looks:

    "Karrppp!" screamed the red fish. It didn't look like it could keep up the battle much longer.

    "Hehe, had enough Magikarp?" I asked the tired pokemon. A gleam came into Magikarp's eye.

    "Huh? what's wrong, ready to give up?" Magikarp jumped at Ari with its fins looking like it was going to slap her.

    Oh no! I completely forgot abot Magikarp's Flail attack! I hastly thought to myself.

    "Ari quick dodg-", but it was too late. Magikarp gave Ari a fierce slap, knocking her down.

    "Oh no Ari!" I cried as I ran towards her. But before I reached her, she tiredly got back up.

    "Ari are you alright?" I asked my fatigue partner.

    "Lu..." gasped Ari.

    "Ok then, I guess it's time to end this then." I told Ari as I smiled.

    "Rio." said Ari as she smiled back at me.
    With those few suggestions kept in mind, the story flows and looks much better.

    Grammar is difficult to master and requires practice, so I don't want to overload you with a huge tutorial on all of its nuances all at once. For now, if you work on those three suggestions, you'll have a much smoother-flowing and organized-looking story.

    One last note: though it is probably nitpicking for a Magikarp story, I did notice a few usage errors in there. For example, towards the end, your character said the following:

    "Hmph, Magikarp prepared to be caught."
    In the given context, the correct word is "prepare". There are a few more of these throughout the story, and while they don't affect the flow too much, they're worth looking for in the future because they have the potential to be jarring. My recommendation is to use a Word processor to alleviate any of these errors, because the processor will point them out for you, and you can then fix them as appropriate.

    Detail and Battle:
    These sections are combined because the vast majority of the details in this story were in the battle itself.

    As with the introduction and the plot, the Details are good for the category that you are going for. The description on the attacks was done well enough that I could understand pretty clearly what was going on. However, remember that more complex Pokemon will not only require more detail, but also a longer battle with more attack description and observations of the effects of said attacks. Finally, make sure that, when you expand on the plot of your future stories, you include something outside of battle, so that you can use details to describe appearances and personalities for the readers.

    Length:
    Magikarp is in the Easiest category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 3,000 to 5,000 characters. Your story is 3,760 characters; it's pretty close to the middle of the suggested length, which is good.

    Outcome:
    Drum roll, please...

    ...

    ...

    ...Click!

    Gotcha! Magikarp was caught!

    Make sure you keep my suggestions in mind in the future when you go for something more complex.

    Enjoy your catch!

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •