"The Fall of Raff Striker!"
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  1. #1
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    Default "The Fall of Raff Striker!"

    Raff was sitting outside this fine morning. The trees were green, the water was sparkling, cold, and trickling. The smell of water was breath taking, it could almost easy anyone into a peaceful mind state. The smell of flowers, the comfortable feel of the grass, and the dirt also wasn't to bad. The land was dry, but the breeze was tremendously chilling to the bone. And it was about 85 degrees as well, so the chilling of his bones felt good. His arms were behind his head, making a pillow out of them while his legs were crossed around one another, his blue jean pants were a little crinkled, and his sleek, clean, a little worn green jacket was the best in style. His long brown hair swept down in his face as he slept on the ground. His green and black shoes were dirty, and he was even wearing matching green socks. His Corphish, however, was over by the creek. He was rolling around in the water, and splashing around using BubbleBeam to make a bubble bath. It was quiet heart warming, the cute little Corphish over there in it's natural habitat, doing just what he does. He even went over to the deep end, and started swimming around. Finding some rocks and sniffing them. He even sniffed some daisy's on the creek side. When he was all clean and done, he hopped out shaking himself until he was dry yelling, "Corphish! Cor!" As it stretched it's pincher type claws up above it's head, yawning immediately afterwards. Finally it was ready to explore, so it was time for Raff to "Up and Adam!" Pretty much. Corphish clamped down on Raff's pants and tugged them, as it let out a ear shattering "Corphish! Corphish, Cor! Corhpish, Cor!" Raff had jumped, startled from the screaming. And hopped right up to his feet. "What! Huh?....Nothing? Oh, hey Corphish! Are you ready to explore little buddy?" Raff asked with a big smiled on his face. The Corphish nodded, as it stood beside him. Looking right up with him, holding his claws up once again to show it's strength, and braveness. Raff looked forward, as they walked further into the beautiful meadow type area, and entering the forest. The forest was extremely dense, trees everywhere, and bug Pokemon swarming everywhere. Even a few Ekans running around. And it was just one of the darkest places you could imagine, not even one little spec of light could seep through this gargantuan trees and their dome of leaves. It was pretty amazing though, as you could just sit and wonder how long these trees have been here for. Possibly hundreds of years. Raff just thought nature was one of the most incredible sight a being could see. Corphish was even amazed, he didn't really like big forests, but only because they were big and huge. He just didn't want to get lost is all. Although, he knew with Raff they would be fine. But suddenly, they came up to a cliff and Raff almost walked off. Corphish had quickly grabbed him with Vicegrip, and pulled him back tossing Raff behind the Corphish. Corphish pointed down showing Raff the cliff, so he wouldn't be an idiot and walk off it.Raff gasped holding his chest, he thought he had been a goner for sure. "That thing must be 50 feet down!" Raff exclaimed from the bottom of his throat, crawling over to the edge and looking down. He quickly looked at Corphish, petting him on the head. "Thanks little buddy, you just saved me life! I owe you one!" Smiling as he stroked the Corphish's back making Corphish shiver a little. Raff stood up, dusting off his knees from the ground. He then faced West, hoping the go around the cliff. They traveled for about an hour, but they heard a loud cry from a Pokemon. They quickly looked around, seeing a raging Ursaring coming right from them. They must have found it's nest, or maybe it's Territory.

    "Ah Man, Corphish! It's coming right for us!" Corphish quickly jumped in front of Raff, willing to defend him. Ursaring use it's Hammer arm attack, swinging down at Corphish with a very mighty force. Almost like Thor's Hammer in theory. "Corphish, try deflecting it with Crabhammer!" The Corphish, jumped up and smacked the Ursarings Hammer Arm with Crabhammer, but it only resulted in Corphish getting slammed to the ground. Raff winced as that happened, but Corphish jumped right back up. It then stood tall acting like it didn't hurt, but you could see bruises on it's body. It then jumped up, and socked the Ursaring right in the face with Crabhammer. It then started taunting the Ursaring. Ursaring got angry, attacking with Frustration, swinging aimlessly at the Corphish. Corphish dodged back and forth, up and down, bobbing and weaving, trying to avoid it, Raff then shouted out - "Corphish! Bubblebeam that Ursaring in the face! And then use Crabhammer again to it's Stomach!" Corphish expelled many bubbles from it's mouth in a line, hitting Ursaring hard in the face, popping when they hit as well. It made Ursaring rub it's face in pain. Corphish then followed up with Crabhammer, smacking it in the stomach, and making Ursaring back away a few feet. Ursaring then got angry, using Slash on Corphish. Damaging it tremendously, as it got a critical hit. Raff gritted his teeth, returning Corphish and back up as Ursaring came towards him. Raff got backed to up close to the very edge of the cliff. He was in a bind, this Pokemon was going to kill him. He couldn't do anything at all. He was trapped, and suddenly Ursaring used slash trying to cut him. And Raff fell back, off the cliff tumbling and rolling down falling to the very bottom of the cliff slope. Hitting hard on the ground. He was knocked unconscious for a while, but finally came to after an hour. He then tried getting up but it hurt way to bad, and one of his legs was bent. And it was bent bad, it was almost a Z shape. It was a compound fracture, in other wards, his leg was broke. Tremendously in pain, injured, could barely talk, and bruised from head to toe. He called out Corphish from it's Poke-Ball. A beam fired out of the center of the ball, making a Corphish appear. It got nervous, worried, scared, and was jumping up and down. Seeing Raff's leg, blowing bubbles on it trying to heal it as they popped on his leg. Doing absolutely nothing. It then went up to him, and snuggled his cheek. Wrapping it's claws around his neck, sympathetically crying over Raff. He could only whisper, but he let out a sentence into Corphish's ear. "Please, Corphish. I need you..Please go get help, you have to find help..I'll hold on, I promise." Raff then tilted his head back onto the slope of the cliff behind him, finally passing out. But not dead. Corphish had started running from Raff, hoping he would be fine. Trying to find help immediately, and it had searched for about 45 minutes. It still had found no one, or anything that could help. It was getting dark soon, and he had to get back to Raff to check on him and make sure he was okay. On the way back behind him, a Sudowoodo posing as a tree saw the Corphish was troubled. So it slowly snuck behind him, following him towards Raff. Being stealthy, wanting to know what was wrong. When Corphish had got back to Raff, it started putting rocks together in a circle. And throwing fire wood in the circle. But it didn't have anything to lite the fire with. And after all, it's a water type. Corphish couldn't lite it either, he was forced to think hard and find a way to lite it, he needed to keep Raff warm. It then looked around, searching Raff's backpack and it found some matches. It put a match in one claw, and the box in the other. Striking it, and tossing it into the fire making it lite. The fire was warm, bright, and crackling. It sounded pretty nice, almost as peaceful as a camp fire. But the situation they were in, made it really creepy. Corphish cuddled up to Raff falling asleep, but our friend Sudowoodo was posing as a tree again, finally revealing himself when they were both asleep. It noticed Raff's painful position, feeling bad for the pair. It needed to help them, so it went and searched for strong branches and some vines. Hoping to make some sort of crutch, to keep Raff's leg straight.

    It was going on into the morning, and Sudowoodo had found the branches it needed. And some strong vines from a tall tree as well. It rushed back to the pair's safe spot, running as fast as a rock type tree could. Back at the safe spot, Sudowoodo appeared. Jumping up and down, yelling to wake up Raff and Corphish. It also dropped the vines, and branches on the ground as it exclaimed. Corphish awoke from it's slumber, blowing a bubble as it was prepared for battle, but then realized that Sudowoodo was trying to help. And soon, both teamed up. They put both branches on both sides of Raff's broken leg. Wrapping one vine around his leg above his knee cap, and the other down near his shin. Sudowoodo then put Raff on his back, piggy-backing him through the forest. And Corphish was right behind him. They trotted at least two miles, this thing really was huge. But they saw a beam of light, just another quarter mile up ahead. And they saw a road. They were in luck, hoping it lead to a Pokemon Center. But as they got to the end Ursaring had showed back up, standing in front of the three. Corphish was afraid, knowing it was extremely powerful. But Sudowoodo smirked, putting Raff easily on the ground. It then stepped up to the Ursaring, pushing it. The Ursaring backed up, but then went after the Sudowoodo and his arm glowed with Power. It was Hammer Arm again, and it tried hitting Sudowoodo. But luckily, Sudowoodo moved out of the way hitting Ursaring in the back with Hammer Arm as well, knocking the Ursaring on the ground, yelling in Pain. And as it got up off the ground, Sudowoodo followed up with Rock Throw hitting it in the back again. And it was knocked out cold. Corphish stood in Awe at how powerful the Sudowoodo was. Thanking and congratulating it, blowing bubbles in excitement. These two Pokemon started taking a liking to each other now. And Sudowoodo picked Raff back up, and Piggy-backed him further through the forest. Corphish once again following behind Sudowoodo.
    Finally getting out of this nightmare forest, they found a house right up a head. They ran towards it, beating on the door and yelling. Trying to find someone for help. And a man came, an old man. Shocked at what he had seen, he ran back to the living room. Welcoming in the Pokemon. They had laid him on a bed in the Old Mans room, so he could get comfortable and rest. Raff raised a sigh of relief when he got comfortable on the bed. Letting out a soft snoring sound. He has been out cold now for hours, and the old man saw the work done on his leg. He then looked at the two Pokemon, giving them both a pat on the head." You two, you are two little life saviors. You did good. Now I promise we will get him back to normal health. I'll take it from here." He walked into his living room, getting on the phone. He then dialed 911, and a operator answered his cal. "Hello, this is 911 please state your Emergency." The old man was a little shook up. He then expressed the situation on the phone. "Yes, there's a boy who showed up. He was being carried by two Pokemon, he broke his leg. We need a Med-flight, or an Ambulance out here immediately. He's out cold!" The Lady on the phone replied back, "Alright. Calm down sir. You live pretty far out, based on your Area code. It might take us at least an hour and a half to get to you. Just try to hang on, and try to keep him suited till' we get there." He then stated his Address, and hung up the phone. Ending the conversation. He pulled up a chair beside the boy, and the two Pokemon. And after a long while of being out cold, he finally came to. Waking with a gasp, being shocked seeing the room around him. And the Sudowoodo. "Hey, where am I? And Sir that's a wonderful Sudowoodo you have. And hey, Corphish! Your alright Little buddy!" Corphish had danced, and twirled. Happy to see Raff finally awake. And the Sudowoodo placed his hand on-top of his head, shouting "Sudo! Sudo, Sudo!" The Old Man then looked puzzled. "Uh, this isn't your Pokemon? Hm..He must have helped Corphish bring you along then. You should thank him. By the way, my name is Alfred. You look banged up, what exactly happened young man?" Raff took a look at the Pokemon. Confused, but then thanked it. Turning his attention to Alfred, The Old Man. "Well, to be honest Mister Alfred. I only remember being attacked by an Ursaring, and falling down a cliff. A huge one. And I tumbled and rolled for a while, after that I was knocked out. I haven't been awake until now actually. It feels I've been asleep for years sir. I can't possibly tell you, but I'm sure these two know. Corphish, Sudowoodo, do you know anything?" They then nodded heads. Acting out what happened in charades. Hoping the two humans would understand. Alfred and Raff then knew what had happened. And both were shocked he wasn't dead. "So Sudowoodo, you beat that Ursaring? And carried me here? Wow your strong! If it wasn't for you and Corphish, I might not be here right now! I owe you both a lot...I thank you both." The two Pokemon shouted out their happiness, feeling good about themselves coming to a team and saving someone. It was a really good deed they had done.

    Alfred then looked at Raff. "Oh, Raff! I forgot, the Lady said it would take an hour and a half for them to reach you. So you will have to hold on before they get here." Raff nodded his head. Hoping they would get here sooner, he hated being in pain. He lifted the blanket, looking under it at his broken leg. It really looked bad. The bruises weren't blue anymore, they were black. He then laid his head back. Looking up at the ceiling, his Corphish jumping up onto the bed, laying on his stomach. Sudowoodo, looked at how happy the two were. It wanted that for its self as well. It was wanting to be apart of a team, you could tell by the look in it's eyes. It then sat down on the bed with the pair. Smiling, as they all waited on the Ambulance together. And it was an hour and a half, exactly as the Operator on the phone said. They loaded Raff up onto a stretcher, with the help of two Machamps, and Sudowoodo. Corphish and Sudowoodo, also jumped into the back. Going along for the ride. And they arrived at the Hospital another Hour and a Half later, and it was night time now. And the next morning, Raff had awakened with a cast on his leg. He then stood in the room, face to face with the doctor in the room. "Well Raff, we got your leg all fixed. But it's going to be a few days before you walk. You'll need to stay here." Raff agreed, and the doctor left. Although he was bummed out when he heard this. But all in all, he was alive and that's all that matters. "Well Corphish. I guess we are going to be here for a while, little buddy. That stinks huh..? Oh well, we will be back out adventuring! In no time! I now it!" Corphish also expressed himself, jumping up and down. Raff then took notice to Sudowoodo, who was still with them in the hospital. "Hey Sudowoodo, it seems I'm going to be okay. Why don't you go to your home now?" It then shook it's head no repeatedly. "Sudo, Sudo! Sudowoodo!" It exclaimed, pointing at Corphish. "Huh, what do you mean?" Raff replied to the Sudowoodo, confused. Sudowoodo then went through Raff's bag, picking up a Poke-Ball. It then pointed at it, showing Raff that it wants to be apart of the team. Raff smiled as he looked at the Sudoowodo. "Alright then! If that's what you want, me and Corphish would love to have you on deck with us! Right Little buddy?" Corphish gave Sudowoodo a pat on the back, showing his approval for joining them. Raff then tossed the Poke-Ball at Sudowood, making a beam shoot out and suck it into the Poke-Ball. It shook a few times, finally and eventually capturing the Pokemon. It then made a dinging noise, showing the successful capture of the Pokemon. Raff then smiled and yelled, "Yeah Corphish! We got a new Pokemon! Sudowoodo!" Corphish Jumped up and down the bed, showing it's appreciation for the new Pokemon. With everyone in good shape, and a new Pokemon for the Adventure. "The Fall of Raff Striker" seems to be "The Rise of Raff Striker!" And with a few days to spare in the Hospital, our Journey ends here. Until the next Adventure calls Upon Raff and his newly acquired companions.



    Credit goes to Oblivion for making this! Thanks Oblivion! You are Awesome! :)

  2. #2

    Default Re: "The Fall of Raff Striker!"

    Grade up Wednesday or Thursday.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3

    Default Re: "The Fall of Raff Striker!"

    @RaffStriker

    Introduction:

    Very well described opening scene of the boy lounging outside with his Pokemon. You created a vivid environment and gave a detailed list of the boy’s clothing. This is a type introduction that tends to draw the attention of the reader because of all the detail in it. It gives the reader something to attach to so that they want to read on.

    Now, the one big problem that I see in the introduction and throughout the story is your long paragraphs. Your opening paragraph is just way too long, no reader wants to start a story with that much text directly in front of them. Not only is it ugly to look at, but it can be daunting for certain readers. Since you seem to have trouble spacing your work I’ll take one of your paragraphs and show you what it should look like.

    Now, one last thing you need to consider for your introduction is some explanation about the ‘where’ and ‘why’ of the story. What this means is that we have no reason why Raff is where he is, and what his purpose is besides lounging around doing nothing. These things are the origins of a story and need to be explained. We don’t need a complete background check or a detailed like history, instead we only really need a few sentences or a paragraph. To rectify this you would simple put the information in the beginning that would say something like this:

    Raff was lazily watching the few clouds drift through the bright blue sky. Some splashing to his left said that his Corphish was enjoying itself in the small stream. Raff checked his watch and saw that if they wanted to reach the campsite up ahead before nightfall they would have to get moving.
    Plot:

    To be honest, this is too simple a plot for a Pokemon of the hard category. It just doesn’t rise to the standards of something that is well throughout, developed, and executed. This story would have been fine for a Pokemon of medium rank, but at this stage you’ll have to become more creative.

    To help you understand the point, I think it would be prudent of me to go over exactly what this means, starting with your work. Your story is pretty simple, a boy is walking in the words and is attacked by a Pokemon. A battle ensues and he eventually is wounded and faints from his injuries. His Corphish, with the aid of a Sudowoodo manage to care for him until the next morning. The two Pokemon fight off the Ursaring and manage to get help for Raff.

    You have a few elements to the story, but it still involves Raff just entering the woods and finding a Pokemon. This isn’t like the game where you walk in the tall grass to find a Pokemon. You need to use your imagination and think about what would be a fun story to read. This one is just too cliched and not developed enough to warrant a hard rank. The part about the two Pokemon ‘saving’ Raff was a nice touch and did add something that isn’t usually seen, and it would have worked to help this story for a lower rank, but as an element alone it can’t make up for the pitfall of Raff entering the woods.

    So, while the part of the plot works, some of it doesn’t, and for the ranks above hard everything needs to work to a certain degree. Having issues with key parts is fine, but when something doesn’t work it needs to be changed. I’m going to point out a key part to illustrate the difference between the two.

    When Corphish was trying to start a fire to warm Raff he managed to dig through his pack, come up with a matchbook, and then start a fire. Corphish has large bulky claws, not at all able to do nimble work such as removing a match and striking it. It’s just not possible with Corphish’s limbs. Basically, you need to come up with a new way to start a fire or change the method in which Raff is warmed up because you are asking Corphish for the impossible.

    Something else to think about is the fight between Ursaring and Sudowoodo. The battle consisted of only two attacks by Sudowoodo and one by the Ursaring. If you are going to have battles in a story then they need to be done correctly with some basic elements in it, First off, not battle last three attacks between such powerful Pokemon, they can sure take more than that-the Corphish sure did. You can’t have the Corphish fight lasting longer than that of the Ursaring, it’s too unrealistic and lame. This battle would have to be expanded until each Pokemon has at least three attacks each. This is to make the fight more exciting and Pokemon realistic. The second thing you should do (which I’ll discuss more later) is to describe the attacks. The point behind describing the attacks is that it shows the reader what is happening. These two things are the basis of any good battle, and while there are other elements, these two are perhaps the most important in the battle.

    Time for that part where I told you how to correctly space your paragraph. I like to follow two basic rules when spacing a my paragraphs. If there is dialogue then it gets a new paragraph every time somebody else speaks. Second, if the main subject changes then I start a new one.

    Raff was sitting outside this fine morning. The trees were green, the water was sparkling, cold, and trickling. The smell of water was breath taking, it could almost easy anyone into a peaceful mind state. The smell of flowers, the comfortable feel of the grass, and the dirt also wasn't to bad. The land was dry, but the breeze was tremendously chilling to the bone. And it was about 85 degrees as well, so the chilling of his bones felt good.

    His arms were behind his head, making a pillow out of them while his legs were crossed around one another, his blue jean pants were a little crinkled, and his sleek, clean, a little worn green jacket was the best in style. His long brown hair swept down in his face as he slept on the ground. His green and black shoes were dirty, and he was even wearing matching green socks.

    His Corphish, however, was over by the creek. He was rolling around in the water, and splashing around using BubbleBeam to make a bubble bath. It was quiet heart warming, the cute little Corphish over there in it's natural habitat, doing just what he does. He even went over to the deep end, and started swimming around. Finding some rocks and sniffing them. He even sniffed some daisy's on the creek side.

    When he was all clean and done, he hopped out shaking himself until he was dry yelling, "Corphish! Cor!"

    As it stretched it's pincher type claws up above it's head, yawning immediately afterwards. Finally it was ready to explore, so it was time for Raff to "Up and Adam!" Pretty much. Corphish clamped down on Raff's pants and tugged them, as it let out a ear shattering "Corphish! Corphish, Cor! Corphish, Cor!"

    Raff had jumped, startled from the screaming. And hopped right up to his feet. "What! Huh?....Nothing? Oh, hey Corphish! Are you ready to explore little buddy?" Raff asked with a big smiled on his face.

    The Corphish nodded, as it stood beside him. Looking right up with him, holding his claws up once again to show it's strength, and braveness. Raff looked forward, as they walked further into the beautiful meadow type area, and entering the forest. The forest was extremely dense, trees everywhere, and bug Pokemon swarming everywhere. Even a few Ekans running around. And it was just one of the darkest places you could imagine, not even one little spec of light could seep through this gargantuan trees and their dome of leaves. It was pretty amazing though, as you could just sit and wonder how long these trees have been here for. Possibly hundreds of years.

    Raff just thought nature was one of the most incredible sight a being could see. Corphish was even amazed, he didn't really like big forests, but only because they were big and huge. He just didn't want to get lost is all. Although, he knew with Raff they would be fine. But suddenly, they came up to a cliff and Raff almost walked off. Corphish had quickly grabbed him with Vicegrip, and pulled him back tossing Raff behind the Corphish. Corphish pointed down showing Raff the cliff, so he wouldn't be an idiot and walk off it.Raff gasped holding his chest, he thought he had been a goner for sure.

    "That thing must be 50 feet down!" Raff exclaimed from the bottom of his throat, crawling over to the edge and looking down. He quickly looked at Corphish, petting him on the head. "Thanks little buddy, you just saved me life! I owe you one!" Smiling as he stroked the Corphish's back making Corphish shiver a little.

    Raff stood up, dusting off his knees from the ground. He then faced West, hoping the go around the cliff. They traveled for about an hour, but they heard a loud cry from a Pokemon. They quickly looked around, seeing a raging Ursaring coming right from them. They must have found it's nest, or maybe it's Territory.
    Okay, there we go. I took one giant thing and switched it into ten different, smaller paragraphs. Not only does it look more aesthetically pleasing, the structure flows better.

    Description:

    You’re a new writer, which means I don’t expect you to understand the detail that we look for as graders. Even if you read a few stories as examples it will not match your experience. As such, I’m going to give you a crash course in what I consider the basics and explain how it applies to your story.

    The first thing that is needed is character detail. Now this thing you did pretty well for a new writer. You described every stitch of visible clothing and his hair color. Those things are good and required, but the one thing that you really missed was Raff’s age, we don’t have an age on the young man. For all we know he could be in his forties or just be fourteen. This has to be pointed out, you will never see a novel where the characters don’t have an age attached to them, the same needs to be done here. A minor thing is that you could have also described Raff’s eye color; it’s one more piece to paint a complete picture of Raff. Since you had this detail on Raff, I was surprised to see that you had nothing on the old man who helped save Raff. All characters in a story must have some description on them that is tailored to their involvement in the story. The old man only appears in one part, so all you need is a simple sentence or two, just saying he’s an old man isn’t sufficient.

    The next element of detail is that of Pokemon detail. You had zero detail here, and that just doesn’t work, so we’ll explore what this exactly details. As a author you don’t want you readers wondering what something or someone looks like, and that means Pokemon. You can’t assume that every reader knows what a Corphish, Sudowoodo, or Ursaring looks like. There are a lot of Pokemon out there and not every reader will be able to recall those Pokemon perfectly, which means you need to have aids. Since you don’t have any work on Pokemon detail I’m going to provide my own detail to illustrate what it entails.

    Corphish was splashing in the water playfully, taking his large pincers and filling them with water before throwing the water about. His bright red shell stood out in contrast to the clear liquid of the water. The lobster-like Pokemon scuttled along the shallow creek as he played, not caring about the outside world for a moments.
    Now we have a picture of what the Corphish looks like. It’s not perfect detail, there are a few details missing, but any reader who didn’t know what a Corphish now has at least a general picture, and that’s all that’s required.

    The next thing is that of Pokemon attacks. The basic rule I have here is that your job, as an author, should be to show the reader the attacks, not tell them. You do this through detail, you don’t just say that Corphish used Crabhammer, you tell the reader how that attack would look and what it does.

    "Corphish, try deflecting it with Crabhammer!" The Corphish, jumped up and smacked the Ursarings Hammer Arm with Crabhammer, but it only resulted in Corphish getting slammed to the ground.
    Here you told the reader what happened, nothing was showed. I’ll provide an example of these two attacks to show the difference between the two.

    ”Corphish, try deflecting it with your Crabhammer!” Raff commanded his Water type.

    The large brown bear of Ursaring was already swinging one of its hairy arms at Corphish. Corphish snapped his pincers in warning and jumped into the air, his right pincer started to glow aqua in color and a thin sheen of water appearing around the pincer. Ursaring’s arm and Corphish’s pincer collided in midair, but Ursaring’s Hammer Arm easily swept away Corphish’s own move. Corphish was smacked by the arm and thrown heavily to the ground, causing Corphish to cry out in pain as it landed awkwardly.
    There is how I described the Crabhammer and how I would envision it. You need to do the same thing for the other attacks. Description is a key to battle and must be treated as such.

    The final basic element is twofold, environment and background. This is basically the where part, describe the things around the character. If you’re outside describe the weather and what type of terrain it is. If you’re inside a building give a general layout of the furniture or important features. Now, you did this at the start of the story as the two set out for the forest. This is good, you don’t need much work for the environment part of it, but you could use some work on the background part (buildings and such). The place for you to do so was the old man’s house. You had a bed there, but not much else. Remember that even this area needs help also.

    Grammar:

    Not too many errors in this story, and in fact you only have a few trends that can be easily corrected. This section will be short, but you still need to pay attention to what is in it if you hope to grow as a writer.

    The smell of water was breath taking, it could almost [easy] anyone into a peaceful mind state.
    One of those errors that can’t be found through a spellcheck, a proofread is required. A few of these are fine, but the more you have of these it creates a problem for the reader in that it disrupts the flow of the story. Remember, proofread your work. Even if it kills you to do so.

    The smell of flowers, the comfortable feel of the grass, and the dirt also wasn't [to] bad.
    Simple error here as well. It should be ‘too’, not ‘to’’.

    The land was dry, but the breeze was tremendously chilling to the bone. And it was about 85 degrees as well, so the chilling of his bones felt good.
    Not errors here so much as word choice problems. Your words are contradicting one another. You use ‘chilling’ twice, but at the same time you say the temperature is around eighty-five degrees. If you are going for a certain specific feeling then change your words to something like ‘shiver’.

    Even a few Ekans running around.
    Ekans don’t run around, they slither.

    He then looked at the two Pokemon, giving them both a pat on the head. "[]You two, you are two little life saviors. You did good. Now[,] I promise we will get him back to normal health. I'll take it from here." He walked into his living room, getting on the phone. He then dialed 911, and a operator answered his cal[l].

    "Hello, this is 911 please state your [E]mergency."

    The old man was a little shook up. He then expressed the situation on the phone. "Yes, there's a boy who showed up. He was being carried by two Pokemon[.] [h]e broke his leg. We need a [M]ed-flight, or an [A]mbulance out here immediately. He's out cold!"

    The [L]ady on the phone replied back, "Alright. Calm down[,] sir. You live pretty far out, based on your [A]rea code. It might take us at least an hour and a half to get to you. Just try to hang on, and try to keep him [suited] till' we get there."

    He then stated his [A]ddress, and hung up the phone[.] [E]nding the conversation.
    Everything in brackets indicates an error that needs to be addressed, The first bracket is that because you had a spacing error that I corrected. This means you need to proofread, which I have pointed out above. The second bracket is because you need a comma before ‘now’. Then at the end of the paragraph you were missing a letter in the word ‘call’. Next, you capitalized the word ‘emergency’, and that is incorrect. Following that you had a comma splice so I deleted the comma and replaced it with a period and started a new sentence. You then capitalized ‘ambulance’ and ‘med-flight’, which is also incorrect. ‘Lady’ is also capitalized when it doesn’t need to be. Afterwards you are missing a comma before ‘sir’. Since the woman is addressing the old man using the title ‘sir’ there needs to be a comma before that. Another wrong word was capitalized after that. You then have a word that is wrong as the last mistake.

    So, there are a few trends in the story that I noticed. Most of the errors tend to be things that could have been fixed if you read over the story once it was done. The other trend is that you kept capitalizing words that didn’t need to be. I would suggest that you go back and reread the rules on using caps. The finally trend is that you didn’t separate the paragraphs containing dialogue. When a new person speaks you need a new paragraph, there is no way around that.

    Length:

    You are below the minimum guideline by a solid four thousand. While it’s not a requirement, it does run pretty close and usually hurts a story if it doesn’t reach that mark. If below that mark you better have solid scores elsewhere.

    Conclusion:

    Sudowoodo Not Captured. Not only is the story not long enough, but you just aren’t developed enough as a writer to try for a hard Pokemon just yet. You still need some work in your grammar and detail before attempting a hard rank Pokemon. I’m going to give you two different ways to go from here. 1) Instead of going for the Sudowoodo, go for the Corphish. In order to get the Corphish you would need to add detail to all the Pokemon and fix the grammar errors. 2) Try add go for the Sudowoodo, but fix the grammar, detail, plot, and length. I already explained all these things so if you go this route you should know what to do. Whatever you choose, good luck, and go ahead and message me for a regrade if you need one.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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