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    Default Eye in the Storm (graded)-comments welcome

    Attempting to capture: Mawile
    Difficulty level: Medium
    Recommended length: 10,000-20,000 characters
    Actual length: 34,227 characters (with spaces; not including underscores)
    Status: Rewriting for regrading

    Changes to the previous version are in bold.

    This is a continuing story. Because of that, there are lots of things that may be hard to understand unless you know the events of the previous story. Instead of making you read the entire previous story, I have created a summary of my character’s story so far. This summary is located in my trainer's stats page. Please enjoy the story!
    Mawile casually plodded through the wood, crunching twigs beneath her feet and pushing aside branches with her arms as she continued her progress to nowhere. She did not have a destination; she was just happy to be there. This Mawile loved life, and enjoyed every second of it. The air was filled with the scent of morning dew, and light twirled between the gaps in the leaves of the trees above, like an eternal dance of heavenly beings above. A Caterpie crawled to her right, inching along the ground with a never ending resolve to get to its destination. Mawile glanced at it, smiled, then continued on her way.

    Her morning walk was almost over when an abrupt sound pierced the tranquil white noise of the wood. Mawile glanced casually back. There stood a human clothed in black, with a big red “R” on his chest. Next to him stood a Magmortar. He pointed toward Mawile and gave it a command. The Magmortar raised its arm toward Mawile. Then Mawile’s view was filled with a brilliant orange. Then the orange faded.
    And all that was left was black.
    “Hey Quilava, light us a fire, wouldja?” Mark asked.
    “No problem!” said Quilava. His back ignited, and he released a small flame from his mouth that enveloped the pile of sticks that Mark and the others had gathered. Wooper backed away.

    “I prefer the cold,” said Wooper, firing a Water Gun straight up into the air that fell back down and dampened his entire body. He let out a sigh of relief.

    “Scourge, how are you feeling?” asked Mark.

    “Excellent, sir,” said the the tall gray ghost Pokemon sitting nearby. Scourge was a Dusknoir with a butler-like attitude. He was not much of a talker, Mark had decided, but he was very helpful and extremely loyal, and Mark enjoyed having him on his team.

    Melody turned toward Mark. “So what’s the plan?” she asked. Their friendship had been growing rapidly in the weeks they had known each other. She had already learned all the letters up to “J”, and her alphabet continued to expand.

    “What do you mean?” asked Mark. He was holding his hands in front of the fire, trying to warm himself from the cold spell the area had been going through recently.

    Melody shifted a little where she was sitting, not letting her gaze leave Mark. “Where are we going? You still haven’t gotten a badge, are we heading to a gym?” she asked.

    “Not quite yet. I need to get stronger before that,” Mark said. He was slightly embarrased by this comment, though he kept that feeling to himself.

    “Alright, but we should probably…” Melody began. She stopped abruptly and became tense. Her eyes quickly scanned the area.

    The seriousness in Melody’s voice sent a chill throughout his being. He looked at her and asked, “What is it?”

    “I can hear their thoughts…” said Melody in a panicked whisper. “It’s the Rockets! Everyone hide!” Without another word they put out the fire and then rushed to a hiding place; Mark in a bush, Quilava in a hole in a tree, Melody in the tree above Quilava, Wooper in a small pond a few feet from where they were staying. Scourge simply turned invisible.

    “…Can’t believe this. Why do I always get the tough jobs?” said one Rocket, clearly annoyed. He had a somewhat nasal voice, and it was a little high, but they could tell he was a boy.

    “This is nothing, man. I have to go after that one girl as soon as this job is over. Nothing is worse that that,” said the other. The first looked at him, confused.

    “The Gardevoir girl, the one who got away from the lab? Don’t you know about her?” said the second. Gardevoir’s eyes widened, though she still did not make a sound.

    “Oh, yeah. I heard about that,” the first said. “So why are they still after her? I thought they had just given up.”

    “They had,” said the second. “That is, they had until they got the new info.”

    The first looked at him, puzzled. “What? What info? I didn’t hear about that,” he said.

    “You need to pay more attention in the meetings,” said the second, chuckling snidely. “You see…” The two were now out of sight and hearing range. However, for Mark and his friends, they were not out of mind. Everyone was completely silent for the next several minutes. Then, when they were sure that the Rockets were gone, they left their hiding places. Even after they left, they still remained silent for quite some time. Finally, Melody spoke.

    “Well, this is just great! I thought they had finally given up on me!” she said.

    “So did I,” said Mark. He paused. “So what was that ‘new info’ stuff all about, anyway?”

    “Who knows? Whatever it is, it’s enough to make them come after me again,” said Melody. “I’m a bit curious, actually.”

    “So am I,” said Mark.

    “If we could find out what is, maybe we could do something that would make them stop hunting me,” said Melody. “I don’t want to go through that again.”

    “Me neither,” said Mark. “So how are we supposed to get that information?”

    “I dunno,” said Melody. Once again there was a long pause as all silently thought over the possibilities.

    “I’ve got it!” said Quilava. “You could join the Rockets!”

    Mark and Melody's heads immediately rotated to face Quilava. “What?!” Mark and Melody yelled simultaneously. Wooper and Scourge’s heads turned quickly to look at him, puzzled.

    “Well, not really join them,” said Quilava. “Just fake it. Fake your recruitment and find that information when the time is right! It’s foolproof!”

    “Yeah,” said Mark. “Right up to the point where they recognize my face.”

    “You could wear a disguise,” said Quilava. Mark thought for a moment.

    “You know, I think that might just work!” said Mark.

    “Great!” said Quilava. “I’ll get ready!” He began to stand up, then stopped when he saw Mark's thoughtful expression.

    “Um… actually, you can’t come,” said Mark.

    “What?! Why?!” questioned Quilava.

    “They saw you with me when you were a Cyndaquil,” said Mark. “I’m sorry, but bringing you along could cause added suspicion.”

    Quilava took a moment to take in this information. A few seconds later he spoke. “Fine,” he said with a stubborn disappointment.

    “Wooper,” said Mark, turning his attention to the cute blue water Pokemon that was sitting at attention in the corner.

    “Yes?” responded Wooper.

    “They don’t know you’re on my team. Want to come with me?” said Mark.

    “Of course!” said Wooper, excited.

    “Then it’s settled!” said Mark. “But it’s getting dark now. We’ll rest, then leave in the morning." Everyone agreed. Cyndaquil lit the fire again, and in no time at all they were all fast asleep.
    In the morning Mark and Wooper said their goodbyes. Everyone called out their support to the two as they plodded off into the dark shadows of the trees. Then they disappeared from sight.

    The area of the forest they were in now was very different from where they had been before. The trees were much thicker above their heads, making everything around them much darker.“You ready, Wooper?” Mark asked, excited and terrified at the same time.

    “Absolutely!” said Wooper with enthusiasm. “Are we gonna get to knock some Rocket heads around?”

    Mark laughed. “Probably not. Remember, we’re trying to be incognito. We can’t pull anything like that unless we want to get caught.”

    “Aww…” Wooper groaned. Mark pushed a branch out of his way, revealing a small shack with a couple of casually dressed people out in front. Earlier that day, before everyone else had awoken, Mark had gone to a nearby Pokémon Center and used the computer there to look up the nearest Rocket recruitment location. It was tough information to find, but he finally reached a small site created by the Rockets detailing entrance information. Mark approached the two.

    “I’d like to join the Rockets,” he said.

    “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said the one on the right. She was a woman of average height, with brown hair that dangled in front of her eyes. The one on the left was a man of slightly below average height. He had black, spiky hair that protruded out of the base of his hat.

    “Ivigano leshaerull,” responded Mark quietly, remembering the password he had learned on the website.

    “Welcome to the recruitment center,” said the one on the right. “My name’s Sheila, and I’ll be in charge of the recording information and giving you tasks in the upcoming days. The man next to me is Terrance. He’ll be guiding you through the processes and tests. You got that?”

    Mark straightened up and saluted. “Yes, ma’am!” he said. Sheila laughed.

    “Yeesh, relax, kid!” she said, her laughter dying down to barely audible chuckles.

    Mark blushed. “Um… right, sorry Sheila,” he said.

    “Now, first things first. What’s your name, kid?” asked Sheila, holding a clipboard.

    “Evan,” said Mark. He did not want to actually be a Rocket, so he figured giving a fake name would render all their paperwork useless. “Evan Jackson.”

    Sheila began to scribble furiously on her clipboard. Without looking up, she said “Alright, I’ll just write your name down here… okay, time for the training! Terrence, you can take it from here.”

    “Thanks, Sheila,” said Terrance.

    What followed was a series of grueling tests of strength, including a particularly difficult five mile run (made even harder by the fact that he had to keep pace with Terrence, who's jog was the equivalent of Mark's sprint).

    “Alright, that’s enough,” said Terrance. Mark immediately fell to his knees, panting furiously.

    Terrance grinned. “You did well, kid. You passed. Now it’s time to get you registered,” said Terrence, gesturing at the building that the run, the last test, had led them to.

    “Thanks,” said Mark. The two of them walked toward the building. It was a black building that looked very dull; it looked nothing like a Team Rocket base. Mark was led to the front desk, where the woman sat in a dark leather chair. She wore a business suit, and the sign on her desk said “Trisha Powers”.

    She looked up at him breifly, then looked down again. Tersely she said a single word. “Name.”

    “Evan Jackson,” said Mark.

    “Age,” she said.

    “Sixteen,” Mark lied. The age restriction was sixteen, and he was fifteen, so he figured he could pass as a year older.

    “Sheila called and told me you were coming, so your official confirmation of sign up and testing is complete. You will now be given your uniform and job,” she said. She then stood up and briskly walked out of the room. A few minutes later, she returned with a uniform and a clipboard.

    Tossing it at him, she said, “This is your uniform. It is the smallest size we have,” she said. “Your job here will be to take care of one of the meal Pokemon. It’s a very simplistic job, but do it well and you will be promoted.”

    “Wait… meal Pokemon?” asked Mark, not liking the sound of it.

    “Pokemon we raise as food for our more vicious Pokemon,” she said. Mark found himself feeling very sorry for those Pokemon, but said nothing.

    “Your room will be room E17. Have a nice day,” she said. With that, Mark stood up, thanked Trisha, and left. After a little searching, he finally managed to find his room. Inside the room was a bunk bed, with a girl about Mark’s age sitting on the bottom bunk. She was rather beautiful, with brown hair dangling in front of her dark blue eyes.

    “So you’re my new roommate, huh?” asked the girl. “Nice to meet you. I’m Lilly.” She extended her hand outward toward him.

    “Likewise,” said Mark, shaking her outstretched hand. He noticed a small blue Pokemon next to her in the bed.

    “Hey, you have a Wooper?” said Mark. “So do I!” He let Wooper out of his ball.

    “Hey, Mark, what’s u-no! It can’t be! You’re dead!” said Wooper.

    “Wooper?!” said the Wooper on the bed.

    “I thought you were dead!” said Mark’s Wooper.

    Lilly's Wooper looked at Mark's with an expression of pure joy. She looked at Mark's Wooper and said, “I’ve missed you so much!”

    “Um… what’s going o-?!” asked Mark, cutting himself off. He realized that he had just spoken in Pokemon right in front of Lilly.

    “What… was that?!” asked Lilly, clearly very weirded out.

    “Um…” said Mark, pausing. After a very long hesitation, he sighed and spoke once again. “Fine, I’ll tell you. I’m a Pokemon translator. But don’t tell the other Rockets, okay?! They’ll just give me some stupid translating job if they find out!” Mark was relieved that he was able to come up with such a good lie. Lilly paused, taking this in, then turned her head and looked at him excitedly.

    “Oh, okay. Cool! Think you could translate my Wooper for me?” she said.

    “Sometime, yeah, but not now,” said Mark. “Anyway, Wooper, who is this?”

    “This is my love! The one I thought had died back at that headquarters where you first met me!” said Mark’s Wooper.

    “What?!” cried Mark. “How is that possible?!”

    “That’s what I’m wondering!” said Mark’s Wooper. He turned to the female Wooper.

    “So? How did you survive?” Wooper asked.

    “Well, they did that experiment on me, and it almost killed me. They decided that I wasn’t worth treating, so they threw me in a trash can and left me for dead. Then Lilly found me. She treated my wounds and took me in. Then, on orders from her boss, we left that headquarters and came here,” she said.

    “That must have been hard…” said Wooper. “But still! I’m so happy you’re alive!”

    “I feel the same about you!” said Lilly’s Wooper.

    “Um…” said Lilly. “What’s going on?” Mark explained the situation to her, changing some details so he wouldn’t be found out. He said he was at the lab one day and saw Wooper and talked to him in his free time, and said that was how he met him.

    “Wow!” said Lilly. “That’s great! What a coincidence!”

    “I know!” said Mark. Another Rocket walked in.

    “Lights out!” he said, flipping off the lights without another word. Mark found his way to the top bunk in the dark and flopped down in the bed. Wooper asked if he could sleep in the bottom bunk with Lilly’s Wooper, and Mark agreed. The two were up most of the night whispering to each other. Besides that, all was silent. Mark smiled, then closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep.
    They were awoken at four o’ clock. Lilly hopped right out of bed, obviously very used to the routine. Mark, however, was not as quick, and got yelled at by the Rocket in charge of waking everyone up.

    Mark was led to the area where the meal Pokémon were held. There were five rooms there, all looking exactly the same. The tile floor beneath Mark's feet had been recently polished, contrasting strongly with the concrete floors within the meal Pokemon's cells. When they got there, Terrance gave him instructions. The explanation went very quickly. Terrance explained that Mark would be responsible for any Pokemon in room D7. He explained that there was currently only one Pokemon in his room, which he said should make Mark happy because that would make his job easier. Mark thanked Terrance, then Terrance left.

    The bait Pokemon were kept inside a small white room with a glass wall on the outside for others to be able to check their condition without having to enter. It was obviously built for more Pokemon than the single Pokemon that resided there.

    The Pokemon was a Mawile. It was curled into a fetal position in the corner of the room, and it looked up at Mark with eyes that revealed its terror and sadness. Mark unlocked the door and stepped inside, closing and locking the door behind him.

    “Hey there, Mawile,” said Mark. Mawile’s eyes got big.

    “How…” said Mawile.

    “I’m a Pokemon translator. I can understand your language,” said Mark. The Mawile looked up at him curiously, almost hopefully. However, that sliver of hope left her eyes just as quickly as it had arrived.

    “This changes nothing,” said Mawile. Just because you understand me does not mean you are a different person. You are still a Rocket.”

    “But that’s the thing,” said Mark. “I’m not a Rocket!”

    “Huh?” asked Mawile.

    “I just faked entry into the Rockets so I could find information on a friend of mine that they… well, I’ll just start from the beginning…” Mark said. He proceeded to tell Mawile his whole story, without hiding anything. Finally Mark finished; no one spoke, there was an ominous silence in the room. Mark spoke up.

    “Mawile, I’m not here to hurt you. In fact, if I get the chance, I’ll find a way to free you,” said Mark.

    “Really?” said Mawile, looking hopeful again.

    “I’ll do what I can,” said Mark, smiling. There was a short silence. “So, Mawile…”

    “Yeah?” asked Mawile with an excited vigor.

    “What’s your story?” asked Mark.

    “Oh…” Mawile paused.

    “I’m sorry, if you don’t want to talk about it…” said Mark.

    “No, it’s fine,” said Mawile. “I wasn’t always like this. I used to be happy and free. To me, people like the Rockets were myths. I couldn’t imagine that anyone that cruel could exist. I was naïve then. I was blind to the fact before me. One day I ran into a Rocket. His Pokemon, a Magmortar, took aim, and the next thing I know I’m here. That was three days ago. Oh, how three days can change someone…”

    “Wow…” said Mark, concerned.

    “Ugh… I hate the Rockets!” yelled Mawile, punching the wall with the side of her hand. The Mawile winced in pain after the impact, but attempted to keep up a façade of toughness.

    “Meh. I can’t wait to get out of this place,” said Mawile. “The sooner the better.”

    “I understand,” said Mark.

    “Oh, right… you said you were kept in a Rocket headquarters, too, right?” asked Mawile.

    “Yeah,” said Mark. “It sucks.”

    “Biggest understatement I’ve ever heard,” said Mawile.

    “Yeah...” said Mark. There was another silence. “Well, here’s your food. I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

    “See ya,” said Mawile. Then Mark left the room, locking the door behind him.
    It was the next day. Mark had once again been awoken at 4:00, much to his displeasure. The previous day had ended uneventfully. Mark had had lunch, met some of the other Rockets, ate dinner, talked with Lilly, then went to sleep. Mark had almost nothing to do during the day, considering he was only supposed to feed Mawile once a day (the Rockets thought it a waste of money to feed it any more than necessary. Mark had already fed Mawile, and once again they had had a conversation. Mark and Mawile were becoming close friends, and Mark was really beginning to fear the day when Mawile would be fed to the other Pokemon. He desperately hoped he could find a way to save Mawile, though he was currently drawing a blank.

    “Hey, new guy!” someone yelled. “Come over here!”

    “What’s up?” asked Mark, walking toward him.

    “They’re feeding the Mightyena one of the meal Pokemon! Come on!” yelled the Rocket.

    “Meal Pokemon…?” thought Mark, concerned. He followed the Rocket, who led him to a hallway with a pit on Mark’s left. There was a rail blocking the pit, and below there were seven vicious looking Mightyena. To the left and right of that were several more pits, six or seven in each direction, all separated by a wall. Each pit contained a different Pokemon. The second pit to the right was filled with water and contained Sharpedo and Carvana. Every pit contained very vicious and hungry-looking Pokemon. It was very apparent from the size of their stomachs that they had not been fed very much to keep them ravenous and violent. But the thing that disturbed Mark the most was the distinct scent of fresh blood lingering in the air. Mark tried to hide his discomfort and pushed his way through the crowd in an attempt to reach the front. When he finally made his way through the crowd, he saw one of the Rockets approach the pit with the [B]snarling, vicious[/B ]Mightyena in it. They were carrying a Pichu by the scruff of its neck. It was squirming and crying out in desperation, but could not escape. Mark understood what was happening, and his eyes widened.The Pichu was held above the pit. It was crying and screaming loudly, clearly just a baby. Mark understood what it was saying. Over and over, it screamed a single word: “no”.

    Then the Rocket let go.

    The Pichu screamed as it plummeted toward the ground. It landed hard on the blood-stained concrete floor, then groaned in pain as it stood up.

    “Here it comes,” said the Rocket Mark had spoken to before. He was grinning ear to ear. Mark continued to look at the Pichu, horrified. He did not want to look, for he knew what was coming, but he could not turn away. The Pichu, bruised all over from hitting the concrete floor, looked up, and immediately before its eyes were seven Mightyena, all eyeing it hungrily. The Pichu cried out and began to run. The Mightyena chased after it. All of a sudden, the Rockets ended their silence and began to talk loudly among themselves, betting on how long the Pichu would last. The Pichu let out a Thunder Shock attack, then doubled over in pain from the shock. The Thunder Shock hit one of the Mightyena, who fell to the ground, stunned. A few seconds later, it stood right back up. The others, however, did not stop. Again, the Pichu tried to use a Thunder Shock, but before it had the chance, it was scratched by one of the Mightyena. It fell over backward, rolling into a wall. It quickly got up and looked around desperately for a way to run, but it was already surrounded. Mark finally found the strength to look away. He closed his eyes tightly. The room was loud; the Rockets yelled and the Mightyena growled. Then one sound rose above it all. Pichu let out a scream, a horrible, sickening scream, that rang in Mark’s ears.

    Then the screaming stopped.

    The Mightyena backed away. Mark looked into the pit once again. What he saw revolted him. The meal Pokemon no longer looked like a Pichu. All that remained was a disfigured pile of bones, blood, and small scraps of meat. Some of the Rockets whooped in victory, while others swore and complained. Money was passed from the losers of bets to the winners. Mark ran to the nearest trash can and threw up, terrified and disgusted by what he had just witnessed. Then he thought of Mawile. He would not let the same fate come to her, he decided. He would find a way to free her. Nothing would stop him now.
    “So you saw one of the meal Pokemon being eaten?” asked Mawile.

    “Yes,” said Mark, silently. He had tried to forget that experience, but found himself unable to. It was the next day, and Mark had once again given Mawile her food and water bowls.

    “What… what was it like?” asked Mawile nervously. Mark looked away. “That bad, huh?” Mark was silent for a second.

    “I will never let that happen to you, Mawile. That’s a promise,” said Mark. It was a promise he intended to keep.

    “Thank you,” said Mawile. “Thank you so much.”
    Mark had been in the Rockets for ten days, and he now understood the routine well. His friendship with Mawile continued to grow, and he and Lilly were becoming good friends as well. Mark and Lilly’s Woopers continued to express their love for each other.

    “Hey, Evan, could you do me a favor?” said Lilly.

    “What?” asked Mark.

    “You know how I organize information for the Rockets?” asked Lilly. Mark suddenly became alert.

    “Yeah?” said Mark, hoping that this would give him a chance to get the information he wanted.

    She pulled a flash drive from her bag. “I need you to put some information from the computers onto this flash drive,” she said. “The password is Ivigano.”

    “Alright,” said Mark, taking the flash drive.

    “Thanks!” said Lilly.

    “No problem,” said Mark. Lilly gave him instructions on how to get to the files she wanted. Mark went to the room she had told him about and put the flash drive into the computer. He quickly copied the files, then went to the computer’s search.

    “Let’s see… Melody…” he thought, typing in her name. There was a long pause as the computer ran through all its files. Mark was sweating from his fear, and he desperately hoped no one would come bursting in. Finally he found it. It was a file labeled “Human Transformation Research Project Results”. He quickly printed the file off, desperately hoping that no one would hear him. Finally it finished printing. Mark left the room without a problem. He gave the flash drive back to Lilly, then told her he had to go somewhere, and left. He reached the front door, and was about to leave the Rockets forever when he remembered something. Mawile. He had promised her that he would save her. He sighed, turned, and returned to his room. It was getting late, so he laid down in his bunk. He could not save Mawile now, even at night. There were too many guards. He was tired, so he decided that he would think of something in the morning. Then he drifted off to sleep.
    The next day, Mark headed down to feed Mawile. He had still not decided on a plan to free her, and he was still continuously trying to think of one. Before he reached her room, a Rocket stopped him.

    “You won’t be needing to feed that Mawile today,” said the Rocket, a brown haired man of average height.

    “Why?” asked Mark.

    “She’s getting fed to the Mightyena today,” said the Rocket.

    “What?!” asked Mark.

    “What are you so excited about?” asked the Rocket.

    Mark paused. “...Nothing,” he said. “So, when is Mawile getting fed to them?”

    “Right now,” said the Rocket. “I’m the one bringing it there.” Mark’s eyes widened.

    “Oh, crap!” thought Mark. He became frantic, but tried to keep up the illusion of normality. The Rocket opened the door to the room and grabbed Mawile, who tried to fight but was unable to stop him. She was taken kicking and screaming from the room. Mark hurriedly followed them, his feet pounding against the tiles on the ground below. The sound of his feet echoed quietly throughout the room.

    They made their way to the place where the Pichu had met its demise. Mark watched, helpless, as the Rocket approached the rail, Mawile in hand. Mark’s heart raced. He wanted to stop him, but doing so would reveal his identity. His mind spun, torn in two between a possibly deadly decision and his new friend’s life.

    The Rocket reached the rail. He took Mawile by its black jaw and dangled it over the pit. Mark wanted to run forward, to stop him, but he did not. To do so would be to defy more than thirty ruthless, armed gang members, all of which stronger and older than him. Mark could not make a decision; fear prevented him from doing so.

    Then Mawile was dropped.

    Mawile screamed as it dropped to the ground below. Immediately the Mightyena were upon her. Mark watched helplessly as Mawile valiantly attempted to fight off the Mightyena without success. Mawile’s desperate attacks could not stop the starving, ferocious creatures. It had been a week since they had eaten that Pichu, a week for their hunger to grow. And now they sought to slake that hunger.

    Finally Mawile, beaten and bruised, was backed into a corner. The Mightyena eyed her hungrily. Mark was horrified; it was just like the situation with the Pichu. Then the Mightyena pounced.

    Seven sets of teeth and seven sets of claws dug into Mawile’s skin. She screamed and thrashed in pain, and soon there was more blood visible on her than there was skin. It was taking longer for them to devour Mawile, for she was bigger prey. Blood gathered in a pool on the ground around her, and the Rockets were making bets as always. A salty, irony smell danced around the room.

    Mark could take it no more. He threw himself over the rail and into the pit, landing hard on the ground. The Rockets above gasped in shock. Mark ignored them and threw himself into the group of Mightyena, breaking through to Mawile. He curled himself around Mawile, using his body as a shield to protect her from their attacks. To the Mightyena, it made no difference. They paused for only a second, then continued their vicious attack, this time directed at Mark. Mark felt their teeth sink into him, and prepared for the end. Suddenly, a Rocket above yelled a command.

    “Stop!” screamed the Rocket. Immediately, the Mightyena backed away from the two. Mark looked up, and above there stood Trisha Powers, leader of the whole building. A rope was thrown down, and Mark climbed up it, his wounds causing pain with every movement. Finally he reached the top. There at the top stood Trisha Powers, looking furious.

    “Evan!” she yelled. “What is the meaning of this?!” Mark looked her straight in the eyes. The two stood there, awkwardly staring at each other in silence for a long time. Then, without another word, Mark plowed through her and ran for the entrance of the building. The Rockets paused in confusion and shock, then regained their senses and chased after him. Mawile looked up at Mark.

    “Mark…” said Mawile weakly.

    “Mawile! I need you to smash that pillar!” yelled Mark. He held Mawile out to his side, and she smashed a support beam, sending the roof above them crashing to the ground. “Alright! That’ll give us some time!” Mark said, continuing onward. He decided that he had to stop by his room first; he couldn’t leave all his stuff there. Mark threw open the door.

    And there in the doorway stood Lilly. Mark screeched to a halt.

    “So… you’re going to betray us, then?” asked Lilly. Tears dripped down her cheeks slowly, like raindrops on a window.

    “I… “ said Mark, his adrenaline leaving him in a rush. He couldn’t find the words.

    “You never were a Rocket, were you?” asked Lilly. Her expression tortured Mark. It was not hatred, not sorrow, none of the things he would have expected. In her eyes, he saw... nothing.

    “No,” said Mark, looking down at the red carpet floor. “I wasn’t.”

    “So this was all a trick? Our friendship, everything… it was just a ploy?” she asked. The pain in her heart finally began to express itself on her face.

    “No…” said Mark. “It wasn’t!”

    “What kind of crap is that?!” said Lilly. “We never had a friendship! You were never my friend!” She was crying more furiously than ever now.

    “Lilly… I just want to protect the people I care about,” said Mark. “But that doesn’t mean-“

    “Stop!” yelled Lilly. “I don’t want to hear any more of these lies. Who are you, really?”

    “My name is Mark,” said Mark. “I’m the friend of the girl that got turned into a Gardevoir.” Lilly gasped, shocked.

    “One of the top Rocket targets,” said Lilly, the surprise of Mark's announcement quickly leaving her face and tone. “No surprise there. I should’ve known, what with you being a Pokemon translator and all.”

    “Lilly, I really am your friend! You have to believe me!”

    “Why?!” she screamed. “Why do I have to put up with any more of your lies?!”

    “Lilly…” said Mark.

    “GET OUT!!!” she screamed. Tears poured from her eyes at an incredible rate. “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!” Mark looked back at her, picked up his stuff, then began to leave. Right then, Wooper came out of his Poke Ball. Mark stopped and turned.

    “Wooper…” said Lilly’s Wooper. “Please, don’t go. Stay with Lilly. I love you, and I can’t bare to leave you again.”

    “I can’t bare to leave you, either,” said Wooper, holding back the stinging tears that pressed at him from the backs of his eyes. “But Mark is my friend. I could never leave him. I’m sorry.” They both began to cry. Right then, Mark heard angry yelling in the distance, echoing down the halls.

    “They’re here, Wooper! We have to go!” said Mark. Wooper agreed and said a quick but emotional goodbye to Lilly’s Wooper. Mark stepped into the doorway, then looked back at Lilly’s tear-covered face. Then, without another word, he turned again and ran, tears flying off the sides of his eyes, glinting in the light before shattering like glass on the floor. Mark sprinted toward the doorway, and made it out with time to spare. He ran off into the woods, and by the time the Rockets got there, he was nowhere in sight.

    Mark sprinted for the cave where he had told Melody to meet him. He knew that she had been waiting there the whole time, and that he would have to apologize for his long absence. He still carried Mawile in his hands. He had taken off his hoodie and had wrapped it around the now-unconscious Mawile to try to stop the blood from leaking out. Even though she was away from the Rockets, she was still in danger from all the blood she was losing. Mark ignored his fatigue and kept on sprinting. He sprinted for two miles before finally reaching the cave. Melody said something to him, but he ignored her. He had to focus on the task at hand: saving Mawile’s life.

    He pulled a first aid kit the Rockets had given to him from his bag and pulled out a roll of white bandage. He quickly wrapped it around Mawile’s wounds, desperately hoping that he could keep her alive. Mawile’s breaths were slow and deep.

    “Who is this?!” asked Melody with concern.

    “A Mawile I saved from the Rockets,” said Mark.

    “Well that much is obvious,” said Melody. “But what happened to her?!”

    “I’ll explain later,” said Mark. He turned back to Mawile. “C’mon, Mawile, live! Live!” Mawile stirred slightly, then meekly opened her eyes and looked up at Mark.

    “Oh, thank goodness!” said Mark. “Mawile, are you alright?”

    Mawile slowly pushed herself upright. “Do I look alright?” asked Mawile, attempting to smirk. Mark smiled and breathed a sigh of relief.

    “You’re gonna be fine, Mawile,” said Mark. Mawile smiled at him.

    “Um… Mark?” asked Melody. “Now that she’s doing fine and all, what the heck is going on?!” Mark turned to face Melody and explained his entire experience.

    “Wow…” she said. “That’s an incredible story!”

    “Yeah,” said Mark, smiling. He yawned. “Wow, it’s getting late! We should probably get to sleep!”

    “I agree,” said Melody. They set out their sleeping bags, and Melody was quickly asleep. Mark, however, stayed awake for a bit. Mawile weakly crawled up to Mark, who was lying on his side, and snuggled into a fetal position against Mark’s chest. Mark smiled and put his arm around Mawile, and the two of them fell asleep.
    “Hey, Mawile, could I ask you something?” Mark asked, walking up to where she leaned against the wall of the cave. It was morning, and everyone was awake. Mawile, still in pain from her experience yesterday, was spending her day the same way Mark, who was also still in pain (though to a lesser extent): relaxing. None of them remembered the information Mark had obtained; they had all forgotten about it in the excitement.

    “What’s up?” asked Mawile.

    “You have a choice to make now, Mawile,” said Mark.

    “And what’s that?” asked Mawile.

    “Mawile…" Mark paused. "Do you want to join my team, or do you want to be a wild Pokemon once more?” Mawile looked up at Mark and, without hesitation, told him her decision.
    Last edited by Paragon; 8th June 2011 at 01:11 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Eye in the Storm (ready for grading)-comments welcome

    I had this section specially for your story. Okay, what we have here is huge blocks of texts cramped up together, along with too many dialogues. When you start a new paragraph, you would want to press 'enter' two times, instead of one. Therefore, instead of only starting a new paragraph, you only leave a line between each new paragraphs. Believe me, it works wonder for the visual appeal of your story. If you were to look at your story very generally, you'd notice that the huge blocks of texts does put off people a little. This is an example.

    Since I'm not really good on the technical terms, I'm just going to refer the '~~~...' or '____' that appears whenever you want to skip a scene in your story to as scene breaks. Yes, that's what we shall call it! You might think that the differences between the symbols used isn't that important as well, but it is! Visual aspect of your story is an incredibly factor to take into account of. If you see a story that is all cramped up together, and have weird scene break symbols used, it becomes a bad impression instead. You want to give your reader that 'oh this looks good' feeling instead of making him feel all 'oh dear'. A simple remedy would be to do this.

    This is a continuing story. Because of that, there are lots of things that may be hard to understand unless you know the events of the previous story. Instead of making you read the entire previous story, I have created a summary of my character’s story so far. This summary is located in my trainer's stats page. Please enjoy the story!


    Mawile casually plodded through the wood, crunching twigs beneath her feet and pushing aside branches with her arms as she continued her progress to nowhere. She did not have a destination; she was just happy to be there. This Mawile loved life, and enjoyed every second of it. The air was filled with the scent of morning dew, and light twirled between the gaps in the leaves of the trees above, like an eternal dance of heavenly beings above. A Caterpie crawled to her right, inching along the ground with a never ending resolve to get to its destination. Mawile glanced at it, smiled, then continued on her way.
    Her morning walk was almost over when an abrupt sound pierced the tranquil white noise of the wood. Mawile glanced casually back. There stood a human clothed in black, with a big red “R” on his chest. Next to him stood a Magmortar. He pointed toward Mawile and gave it a command. The Magmortar raised its arm toward Mawile. Then Mawile’s view was filled with a brilliant orange. Then the orange faded.
    And all that was left was black.

    “Hey Quilava, light us a fire, wouldja?” Mark asked.
    You don't need a huge line of symbols. In fact, just three would have sufficed. The more there tends to be, the more cluttered a story might tend to look usually. Use *** (Centered) for scene breaks. Of course, you need to take into hand to make sure not to use too many scene breaks. Due to the formatting, if you use too much, the story becomes messy instead, even if you're just using three asterisks per line.

    Then, we have your final problem - dialogue. A good visual rule that I usually follow would be to not have too many dialogues clogged up together. When sentences begin with dialogues after dialogues, it becomes repetitive instead and look more like a script. You could always have dialogue, narration, dialogue, narration, narration, dialogue... Mix it up. I will cover more on this later.

    First of all, good job on the summary. You don't have to do anything too complicated. As long as it gives me a general idea on what has happened so far, it's good.

    You began with a prologue of Mawile walking in the forest and ended up being captured. This was relatively okay; I get a good look at Mawile being all happy and whatnot, then the unfortunate happened. Unfortunately as well, I didn't feel that much for Mawile. When your reader gets that sort of feeling, it becomes something to worry about. You want to allow your reader to understand your character, and thus be able to feel an empathy with them. I didn't understood much from Mawile. Sure, Mawile seemed to be happy. But I want to know what was he really thinking, deep down below? The story was written in 3rd POV, which meant that the author is able to understand and see everything. If you were able to portray something about Mawile that becomes more characteristic, and not just some character that I can see on anyone else (eg. happily strolling in the forest), it can perk up the reader's interest instead.

    Once your reader starts to feel for your character, and really starts to feel that entire situation where Magmortar fires something towards Mawile and capturing it in the process, you'd have succeeded in managing to attract and capture your reader's attention. For example, when your Mawile was captured, what was the feeling like? I know that you want it to be an abrupt cut, from the line 'And all that was left was black' to create some sort of climatic ending and begin the next scene, but I just didn't feel anything from this at all. You could have described and went into detail a little into Mawile's feelings and struggles, then still end off with something dramatic.

    The other characters weren't that interesting either. While you had the basic stuff like their descriptions completed, it is important to note that character development is extremely important. As said earlier, it creates a sort of empathy with your reader, as he is able to understand and feel for the character. Whether your character is meant to be kind, downright evil, cowardly, they have to be portrayed such that I can feel 'awwww' when I see a kind character, or even angry when I see an evil character. This is especially so to note, when you're aiming for higher category Pokemon.

    If you're still not sure where to start from or what I'm talking about exactly, you can take a look at your character - Lilly. What's interesting about this is that Mark is your main character, but Lilly was portrayed even better. xD It could have been unintentional, or it could have been intentional, but I felt that you kind of know the basics. Lilly's character is actually pretty complex. She looks like a baddie since she apparently works for Rocket, but there is something about her that just seems like a good person instead, especially when she is talking to Mark. This pretty much formed her personality, and even if it isn't clear, it is even better as the reader becomes even more excited and tries to anticipate if Lilly is a good or bad character in this story. Obviously, that doesn't mean you leave it unexplained even when you've already finished the story. Another interesting point to note was how emotional

    she got when she found out that Mark 'lied' to her apparently. It created another series of questions and suspense, as it seems like that is much more to this character than it seems. Unfortunately, you didn't wrap it up well enough. It's perfectly fine if you want to leave the ending as it is, since we get a hint that Lilly really cares about Mark or whatever, but the beginning wasn't enough. I want to know more about Lilly's personality, her background, and whatnot. What makes her think this way? What made her join? These became crucial questions that were quite relevant to the plot.

    I seriously, do think that this plot is not half bad at all. It was the visual aspect of your story that put me off, to be honest. After reading through your story, I found that the plot concept was still quite good for a Medium category Pokemon, but lacked something about it. The way you wrote it made it supposed to look like an emotional story, something that would drive readers nuts and make them touched or cry, but I didn't get that. If you managed to fix up the visual problems and add in a couple of descriptions here and there, your story would really have an emotional impact to it. It would become a story that has the kind of thrill and drama in it, which is one of the main ways to captivate readers.

    I'm not going to touch on this too much. Because in your case, your plot isn't considered a problem, when compared to the other sections.

    One of the biggest problems in your story is the way you lay your text. And related to that? Dialogues. You have way too many dialogues. If you do a quick look through, you'd realize that almost every line begins with a quotation mark. You definitely want to avoid inserting too many dialogues (a good gauge would be when you have almost every sentence beginning with a dialogue) in your story. It makes your story look like a script, and thus boring, and becomes extremely repetitive. There are a lot of ways to go around doing dialogues actually. I will show you an example.
    What You Wrote
    “What do you mean?” asked Mark. He was holding his hands in front of the fire, trying to warm himself from the cold spell the area had been going through recently.
    “Where are we going? You still haven’t gotten a badge, are we heading to a gym?” Melody asked.
    “Not quite yet. I need to get stronger before that,” Mark said.
    What You Can Do
    Mark held his hands up in front of the fire, trying to warm himself from the cold spell that the area had been going through recently and started to ask Melody, "What do you mean?"

    Melody looked up from the ground and strained her eyebrows, as if she was a bit annoyed at how Mark was still confused. She looked into Mark's eyes and rephrased her question, this time with more elaboration, "Where are we going? You still haven't gotten a badge. Are we heading to a gym?"

    "Not quite yet," Mark replied. "I need to get stronger first."
    As you can see, with some simple rephrasing and descriptions, your boring dialogue immediately turns into a series of interesting conversations! Just because it is a dialogue, doesn't mean that everything has to be inserted in between the quotation marks. When someone is speaking, he is bound to do some actions. Focus on that. What is he doing while talking? Did he suddenly get up? Or is he tracing his finger aimlessly around in the sand; fidgeting? Not only that, what was the tone of his voice. You can use different adjectives to project the different tone of dialogues.

    Instead of: “Excellent, sir,” said the Dusknoir with a butler-like attitude.
    You could have went with: "Excellent, sir," replied the Dusknoir monotonously; he didn't seem to like to talk.

    Instead of: “Hey, Mark, what’s u-no! It can’t be! You’re dead!” said Wooper.
    You could have went with: "Hey, Mark, what's u-no! It can't be! You're dead!" Wooper exclaimed loudly.

    See? You can do amazing things with dialogues. Dialogues doesn't simply mean opened quotation mark, dialogue, closed quotation mark, then add in something like 'said' after that. You can go crazy with descriptions, actions, expressions, ec tera. There is just so many ways to go about writing dialogues. Bottom line, don't ever make something about the way you write too repetitive.

    You also need to watch out for your usage of pronouns. If you're going to refer a Pokemon as a 'it', be consistent. For example, when you were talking about Quilava, you kept changing your pronouns between usages of 'it' and 'he'. If you're going to use 'it' for a Pokemon, refer to all Pokemon as 'it' for the entire story - don't mix it up with 'he' or 'she'.

    If you're going to refer a Pokemon as a 'he', then refer that specific Pokemon as a 'he' for that whole story. If you're going to refer a Pokemon as a 'she', then refer that specific Pokemon as a 'she' for that whole story.

    Well done!

    Okay, from a general point of view, it could be said that you managed to describe most things in your story. However, when we take a closer look, there is actually a couple of issues.

    I will start off with the things that you failed to describe instead. Mawile's appearance, Caterpie's appearance, Magmortar's appearance, surroundings, and Lilly's appearance. I might have missed some, but these were the important ones anyway. You don't have to give me such complex descriptions for minor characters like Caterpie and Magmortar. However, when you have important characters like Mawile and Lilly, it costs you a great deal of disadvantage when you don't describe what they look like. Side tracking for a bit, character development is not the same as character description. Character description simply refers to details about their features; what do they look like? Character development on the other hand, refers to their personality, their traits, their character. I want to know all of that.

    Back to point, another thing that was missed was your surrounding, which was extremely important. Whenever you change scenes (sometimes even in the same scenes), descriptions about the area is extremely important. You can always use the most basic guide to describing. When describing, consider the five senses - sight, smell, taste, sound, and touch. What do you see? What do you smell? What do you taste? What did you hear? What did you touch? The most basic sense that most people always manage to describe is obviously sight, to which you also did. However, it is also important to at least include some of the other senses. Take the prison cell for example.

    • You tell me that there was vicious and hungry-looking Pokemon in it. But how exactly do they look that way? Was it because of their fangs? Was it because of the saliva that was dripping out from their mouth?
    • What can you smell from the cell? After so many feedings, surely the cell had to smell of something. Did it smell of rancid blood? Or did it had the rotten smell of decomposed flash? I want to know the smell. I want to know how did that affect your main character. Did it smell so bad that it paralyzed the senses of his nose?
    • What did the air taste like? This can be connected to smell, and thus described together. Did the air taste like iron due to the blood? Did it smell so bad that it tasted like you were feeding on the decomposed flash yourself?
    • What did it sound like? Were there the heart-piercing cries of desperately trapped Pokemon? Were there the deafening scream of Pokemon waiting to be slaughtered? How did they sound like?
    • What does the ground feel like? What was your emotion when you were walking in the prison? Or perhaps you happened to touch the prison bars, what did they felt like?

    Do note that although this seems like it's a lot, it is actually possible to combine all of them into maybe perhaps two-three lines instead. If you notice, the senses are normally interconnected to each other as well. While you're always been encouraged to describe more, it should be important note that you shouldn't overdo it instead. A general guideline that I follow would be to ask myself if what I'm describing is important at all. If it is something like a Caterpie, a character that has little to no relevance to my main plot, you might want to get it done within one or two sentences. If it is something about the surrounding (eg. prison cell) in which the main character spends his time there and finds the Mawile there, it becomes something important instead. You want to be able to capitalize on the feelings and the tensions that one can feel while being inside of the cell. By including descriptions like this, your reader is then able to visualize the whole thing better, and thus able to feel an empathy or connection with the story.

    Another thing to watch out for would be the way you describe things. I would advise you to refrain from describing things this way.
    “No problem!” said Quilava. His back ignited, and he released a small flame from his mouth that enveloped the pile of sticks that Mark and the others had gathered. Wooper backed away. Five figures were in front of the new fire.
    There was Mark, a fifteen year old boy with brown hair and blue eyes. He was not overly strong-looking, but not overly week-looking, either. He was of average height, and he was currently wearing an unzipped brown hoodie, with a black shirt underneath. His hood was currently resting on his shoulders.
    Another thing on Mark’s shoulder was Quilava, his first Pokemon. Quilava was a small, long Pokemon with two red spots on its back where it could make fire come out. He had just evolved, and as such was still getting used to his new form. He was laying on Mark’s shoulder, but was still awake.
    There was Melody, a Gardevoir that had once been a human before being transformed by Team Rocket scientists. She was colored green and white, and had a humanlike form. She had what looked like a dress on, though it was actually a part of her body. Her legs were thin and white, though they were rarely visible under her “dress”. She was sitting, leaning her back against a tree and looking very relaxed.
    Another one there was Wooper, a cute blue water Pokemon with no arms. He had some dark blue stripes on his belly, and purple things on either side of his head. He was shifting uncomfortably by the fire, clearly very uncomfortable because of it.
    Last there was Scourge, Mark’s newest Pokemon. He was a ghost type that towered over the others. He was dark gray with a jagged yellow stripe on his belly. He had a single glowing dot for an eye, located in the center of his thin head. He didn’t talk much, and when he did it was just in short bursts.
    Wooper, no longer being able to stand the heat, stood up and spoke.
    Don't get me wrong. The detail was perfect, but the way you arranged your sentences made it look incredibly boring instead. I get a mechanical-like description of Mark, then Quilava, then Gardevoir, then Wooper. If you read that whole thing in one shot, you would realize that it feels as if you're reading a story, then it suddenly pauses and the narrator speaks out all of the description, then the story continues.

    Don't feel disappointed or anything, because this isn't a rare phenomenon at all. It happens almost during most writer's first few stories and because URPG Graders keep telling them that, "you have to describe this! you have to describe that!", people get the impression that you have to describe every single thing.

    Here is my advice. Try to blend your description into your story. Make use of connectors and figures of speech as well. For example, you started off with Quilava agreeing to light up the area with its flame. Why did you not just describe everything together instead? Instead, you described a little of Quilava here, and inserted the other half of the description somewhere later. If you had describe it altogether, you could have made use of the situation.

    Instead of this: “No problem!” said Quilava. His back ignited, and he released a small flame from his mouth that enveloped the pile of sticks that Mark and the others had gathered. Wooper backed away. Five figures were in front of the new fire.

    Try this: "No problem!" Quilava replied instantaneously. The small-built and long-bodied Pokemon ignited the gaseous fumes within his body and in mere seconds, the two red spots on his back had sprouted into an eruption of flames. He then blew out a tiny Ember from his mouth which enveloped the pile of sticks and started up a small campfire for everyone.

    See the difference? Instead of forcibly adding in description in somewhere just because you need to, you can try and describe it as you proceed with your story. In this case, Quilava starts to speak and we get to visualize how a Quilava would have looked like, at the same time as he went about doing his things.

    The other descriptions didn't really have this problem, or just perhaps it was not noticeable. The quoted section bothers me especially because it was all fixed together and was in the front part of the story as well. Don't worry too much about this. Practice makes perfect. As you keep writing stories, just try to keep it in mind. Try to describe as you write your story, and not include some description in just because you have to. Good job on the details though!

    Hmm... there wasn't exactly a real battle in your story. This section is obviously not mandatory, but is advised to be included if your story is not heavily plot-reliant. In your case, I honestly found it okay. I wouldn't say your story was very plot-reliant, but more towards emotions and characters. Like I said before though, I thought that the story would really have been much better if you managed to portray certain emotions more than you did, and explored into the personalities of certain characters like Mark, and Lilly especially.

    Even so that Lilly made another appearance near the end of the story, it became even more important for you to leave an impression, which you didn't manage to do unfortunately. If in the case of adding more emotions and character to your characters, the exclusion of a battle would have been perfect since including a battle would potentially spoil the atmosphere, from how I see it now.

    I will still comment a little on this though, from your small battles here and there. One of your battle (if not, the only one) was Pichu 'fighting' against the pack of Houndooms. I'm just listing alternatives here. You could have made it more interesting by making Pichu a 'tad stronger, or picked another victim if you wanted something stronger looking. Though if you ask me, I think Pichu is fine as it is. In battles, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to use legal attacks. In the case of Pichu, it only learns 6 Level-Up Moves, but does it mean it can only use those? No. You have ability to use other moves such as TMs or BM/MTs, but it might be a good tip to make sure it's realistic. A wild Pokemon that is held captive like Pichu should have little to none access to special moves. If anything, it might be something that the Pichu might have picked up while being held captive.

    Moving on from moves, those aren't the only things you can do. Remember how Ash taught his Pikachu weird moves in the anime? Pikachu was actually able to throw punches even though it didn't exactly learn those moves, and even Leer. Improvisations like Pikachu's Counter Shield and combination moves like Volt Tail are also remarkable mentions as well. As stupid as the Pokemon animes might be sometimes, they are actually a good example of creativity. (Ironic? I know. The anime is so corny most of the times.) Like what the anime does, you don't have to stick to legalized attacks. A Metapod might be able to use Harden then jump high into the air and land back down, creating an Earthquake. A Pichu might be able to create a Rock Tomb/Earthquake by crashing its hyper-electrically-charged tail onto the ground, sending the granite crashing against the target. If you're making a weak Pokemon use such a strong move however, remember to make some sort of relevance or flashback to explain how it could have gained access to these moves.

    And I'm not even done yet. You definitely could have made use of your surroundings (which is something that is greatly encouraged and almost always suggested), since it not only helps the reader to understand the sort of environment you're battling in, but it also makes the battle seems more realistic with factors such as the surroundings playing in. Were they playing in a concealed environment? Was it compact? If so, did Pichu perhaps have an advantage with its size and speed, as compared to the bigger Houndooms?

    You get the point. There is so much more to a battle other than regular Pokemon moves. One of the sections that I personally like most is usually the battle section. It displays your creativity and imagination as a writer, and it becomes something that hypes the reader up. Sure, a creative plot is something that might draw people in. But an exciting battle is what makes people's pulse beat like crazy!

    Again, I empathize that I thought this story had so much more potential. Take a look at this.
    “They’re here, Wooper! We have to go!” said Mark. Wooper agreed and said goodbye to Lilly’s Wooper. Mark stepped into the doorway, then looked back at Lilly’s tear-covered face. Then, without another word, he turned again and ran, tears flying off the sides of his eyes, glinting in the light before shattering like glass on the floor.
    This was a particular part that I really liked. It was a good 'ending' and it showed how Mark struggled with his decisions and still followed his heart because he knew what he had to do, even if he had to hurt Lilly. It became like those sort of 'a man has got to do what a man has got to do!' thingy. Emotional, and effective. This was when my thoughts were really affirmed - you could have done better.

    All in all, I could tell that there were definitely improvements made in details wise. You're starting to open up and give descriptions in your story which really helps the reader to visualize it. The next step would be to enhance on these descriptions, and make them more 'alive', as said earlier. A couple of problems that surfaced in your first story reappeared here again; such as the mental image of your characters and your atmosphere. The problems and solutions to these - I've already covered in the earlier sections. Summarizing, you'd want to explore your characters' personalities more and give your story more of an emotional boost. I want to feel that rage when I see evil characters. I want to feel that agony when something extremely depressing happens. I want to feel that disgust and gore when something is being ripped apart. This forms your atmosphere. As gruesome as it sounds, as melodramatic as it sounds, it helps to frame up the atmosphere and realism of your story.

    I'm sorry, but Mawile isn't captured! Don't worry, you're really close to it. I only need you to fix up the paragraphing and scene breaks (visual), some refinement of your dialogues and emotions, description of Mawile and Lilly, and the editing of the description thing that I quoted. PM/VM me when you're ready for a regrade. Please mark your edits (excluding visual - paragraphs and scene break changes) in a different color code so that I will be able to spot them easier.

    If it seems a lot, it is just because of the sections that I split them into. The visual thing can be fixed within three minutes perhaps, and the description of Mawile and Lilly can be done within 5 minutes perhaps, and you can choose to refine some parts of the dialogues and emotions here and there, so that the entire story doesn't look like a script instead. Then, you also have the editing of that description that I quoted - to which I only want to see if you understood what I was saying based on the way you edited your description.

    I know you can do this. Good luck!
    // urpg moderator // my urpg stats // the ultra dex //
    / Pokémon X FC: 2148-9374-7797 /

  3. #3

    Default Re: Eye in the Storm (ready for regrading)-comments welcome

    Eh, you're right, I shouldn't have made it mandatory for you to switch up the breaks symbol. It was something that was a matter of personal preference. Your story really looks much better now with the new paragraphing completed. I could see a refinement of your dialogues, and especially emotions. It's obvious that you've put in much effort even in mending it, from the meticulous editing that you did. I could feel and visualize the appearance and feeling of the prison cells and the struggles that Mark had felt.

    I believe it is impossible for Mawile to not return her gratitude to Mark by joining his team. Mawile captured!

    Have fun with it. Good luck for your future stories!
    // urpg moderator // my urpg stats // the ultra dex //
    / Pokémon X FC: 2148-9374-7797 /


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