Thread: THE EXTERMINATORS. -Complete-

Pokemon: Venipede
Level: Simple
Characters Required: 5,000-10,000

Characters (no spaces)- 9037
Characters (with spaces)- 11040
WARNING- FIRST STORY ALERT! FIRST STORY ALERT!
The Exterminators

I had always admired my grandfather for the job he pursued. In a world full of opportunities for a battler, it was a huge surprise to everyone as he announced his decision.


“This school has taught me a lot,” he said. “But I have realized that my true destiny is not within battling, but a different profession.”


The choice that my grandfather, Elliot Micheals, made, would never be forgotten by our family. From that moment on, we would no longer be known as the Michaels. WE. ARE. THE EXTERMINATORS.


My alarm clock buzzed loudly as I sat up in bed. I took one look at the clock, and immediately frowned. “Already eleven…” I thought. “Why hasn’t Dad woken me up already? He always wakes me up when he leaves for work.” I shrugged, then stepped out of bed. It was a sunny day, with rays of light illuminating my blue-green walls. Yawning, I quickly changed out of my pajamas and ran down the stairs.


“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”


My parents had been planning this day for many years now. It was my 14th birthday, the day where I, Cornelius Michaels, would finally become an Exterminator. My grandfather had created this business, ridding houses and shops of pesky Pokemon. Now, my father and I ran it. We don’t look much alike, but people somehow think we do. My short brown hair is completely different from his blonde crew cut, and our frames were completely different. He was more of the top-heavy type, while I was lanky and thin.


After several minutes of just laughing and joking around, he finally spoke. “Son, I’ve waited fourteen long years to give this to you. Use it well.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Great Ball. “Take it, and this too.” He reached again and picked up a tool belt. It was a fine belt, filled with every tool an Exterminator could ever need. Flares, bug repellant, even a knife- all could be found somewhere on the belt.


“Thanks, Dad!” I said. Then, my mother stepped up. “You’ll need this on your journeys,” she said, pulling out a backpack. Inside it, it was full of Pokeballs! Ecstatic, I then took another look at the Pokeball from my father.


It was blue and red, a perfect sphere where my partner in exterminating would live. Nervously, I pressed the center button of the ball. A red aura came out, forming the shape of a bat. “Woobat!” it cried, unfolding its long fleshy wings. It appeared to be a large bat, with a large heart and a big mouth. “Wow, this is amazing!” I said, delighted with my father’s choice. “I think I’ll call you Bashi. It’s like bat and bash at the same time!” we embraced, and the small bat Pokemon rested itself on my head.


“Is it a boy or a girl?” I inquired, curious of Bashi’s history. “A boy,” my father replied. “We found him at the last site, being swarmed by Weedles. When we saved it, the owner of the house said I could keep ‘em.” I smiled, then picked up the backpack. “Wow, Mom, this thing is light! Cool-looking, too.” It was a nice backpack, black with red pinstripes. It looked expensive, as if my mother had been waiting for the right time to give it to me.


I kissed my mother goodbye, and went downstairs. This is where we hosted the Michaels and Son Extermination Company, which specialized in the eradication of bug-typed Pokemon. The store itself was a nice place, well-lit with green tiles and white walls. The whole place was covered in shelves, each of which held an important bug-killing good. At the far left corner of the store, my father had his office. It was a pristine place, where order and organization prevailed over all. A note hung over his new high-tech computer. “Bring son to site A-4,” it said. I thought about it for a minute, but could not remember what that meant.

My father came up behind me, now dressed in his work overalls. “Are you ready to go?” he asked. “Sure,” I replied anxiously. I quickly jumped into his company van and we drove off. The van had always been a place to play for me, but I had never actually driven it it. “Where are we going?” I asked. “Site A-4.” He said. “It’s been a big issue ever since this company opened, and it still is.” I nodded, then pulled out my Pokeball. “What kind of moves can Bashi learn?” I asked quietly.


“Woobats are Psychic and Flying attacks. Moves like Heart Stamp and Gust should be within Bashi’s reach.”


I put the ball away, then focused on the sights ahead of me. The scenery around us had deteriorated; pristine houses and perfect lawns gave way for broken down windows and barren rust-colored houses. “Are we there ye-“ I started to say, but was quickly stopped by my father’s rapid braking.


“We’re here.” he said, then pulled me out of the van.


To our direct right, there was a disgusting looking house, all by itself in a dark corner. It may have looked nice at one point, but the grassless lawn and boarded-up windows had changed its entire look. The house seemed to have a menacing aura that penetrating through my excitement. “Are you sure this is safe?” I questioned my father, who seemed to be regretting his decision. “Of course. There’s only one Pokemon in this ENTIRE house that could possibly do damage to you.” Suddenly, a piercing shriek burst into the silence. “And that would be it.” My father said, shaking his head. “Venipede.”
I had no idea what that was. “Venipede?” my father simply shook his head. “Yes, Venipede. If you see one, you and Bashi go bye-bye.” I had a sudden realization.


“Oh yeah! Bashi!” I pulled out his pokeball, and threw it high into the air. The bat quickly came out and perched himself on my arm, waiting for a command. “Just be cautious. We need to prove to Dad that we can do this.” Bashi simply nodded his head, then flew to the other shoulder. He gave me a quick nuzzle for protection, and before I knew it we were at the house.


Up close it was even more ominous; the degrading wood and acrid smell would have scared any sensible person away. But the Exterminators were not sensible. They got the job done, even if it meant their own death. I remembered the tragic tale of my grandfather’s death. He was fetching a Combee hive out of someone’s yard when the Vespiquen came and took him away. Never would we see him again. I shook these thoughts out of my head and concentrated on entering the house.


The door, rotted and chipped, collapsed as Spinarak and Weedles poured out. My father, startled by the sudden attack took a pokeball from his tool belt and threw it to the ground. A large firey lizard came out, complete with wings and a tail coated in fire. “Charizard, use Fire Spin!” he commanded. The dragon complied, and shot a swirling vortex of fire into the air. The bugs fried in the heat, while my father and I high fived and darted into the house.


The first hallway was simple enough; just one Fire Spin from my father’s Charizard did the trick for all of the bugs we saw. However, the end of that hallway resulted in a two way path. My father grimaced, then told me the bad news. “To cover this whole place, we’re gonna need to split up. You go this way and I’ll go that way.”


He sprinted to the left, with Charizard not far behind. Bashi and I charged the other way. Suddenly, a Spinerak jumped out at us! “Quick, Bashi, use Wing Attack!” I said. Bashi nodded, then charged at the little bug with shining white wings. The Spinerak was hit dead on, and fell to the floor. “Wow!” I exclaimed. “There may be a lot of these bugs, but they sure are weak!” The little Woobat may have been celebrating, but I knew there would be more bugs in our path.


We ran on, decimating each bug with both Gusts and Wing Attacks. Just when we thought we were almost done, however, things took a turn for the worse. The hallway ended in a large glass barrier, with a blood red X painted on it. Unknowingly, we charged straight through it, shattering glass everywhere into the darkness below. We had accidently come into the basement of the house!


I reached for my tool belt and picked out a torch, but soon I realized we were not alone in this basement. The broken glass shards had traveled across the small-but-scary room, puncturing a mysterious creature’s foot. The creature shouted in rage, then turned to face us. It was a red and green bug, with a countless number of legs and bright yellow eyes. It hissed at us, repeating its name. “Vennniipeedeeeee…” it seemed to say. “Is this Venipede?” I asked Bashi, but he did not know either.



Then, the bug struck. In a split second, this creature rolled into a ball and crashed into the wall directly behind us. It prepared to come back, but I had a job to face. “Bashi, use your Gust!” I commanded, knowing it would work. Bashi flapped his wings very hard, but the airtight basement would not create a wind strong enough. Venipede struck again, steamrolling over the ground as it rolled back and forth. Bashi seemed helpless, but I knew he had another trick up his sleeve. “Bashi, try using Psyshock!” I said. Bashi stopped in place for a moment, then began to focus. A large dark blue aura started radiating around the little bat, and he seemed to strain for a while. Venipede, fascinated by the light, stopped its rolling around to see what was going on. Finally, Bashi released his attack. The psychic wave shot through the basement at light speed, pushing Venipede to the wall. However, the centipede pokemon would not give up. It propped itself up, then its tail began to glow bright purple. It charged at my precious Woobat, then leaped up and slammed its tail into Bashi. He was blown back by the force of impact, but seemed to have been ok. I decided there was only one choice. “Bashi, signature move! Heart Stamp!”


The heart on Bashi’s nose began to radiate power. This power built up inside Bashi, coursing through his veins as he seemed to grow. As Bashi’s determination grew, the orb of power in his heart grew as well. Venipede seemed confused, but nonetheless prepared an attack. It quickly rolled around Bashi’s dangerous attack, then struck Bashi in the back with a powerful Bug Bite. Bashi cried out in pain, and released the Heart Stamp. Venipede, having tried to run away, was hit full force by the attack. The helpless bug fell to the ground, clearly unconscious. Bashi and I celebrated immensely, but not for long. Bashi’s face quickly grew a dark violet shade, and he fell to the ground.


“Oh no!” I said. I dropped to the ground, examining his injuries. On his back, the small scar from Venipede’s Bug Bite was leaking a mysterious purple liquid. “Perhaps…he may have mixed the two attacks! Of course! It was a Toxic Bug Bite!” I declared.


Venipede made another cry of pain, and suddenly I had to look back at the bug. It had done nothing wrong, just trying to protect its territory. I felt terrible that I had caused such pain to an innocent animal, and thought about ways I could help it. “What about..if I catch it?” I thought. “Yeah, that’ll work!” I slid the backpack down my arm, then opened the largest pocket. I pulled out a Pokeball from inside, and gently pressed it to Venipede’s cold body. It transformed into a red mist, then disappeared into the ball. It dropped out of my hand onto the floor, and started to shake. “One…two…” I counted…

The Exterminators [Grading]

Introduction: The first introduction on the main character's Grandfather was a good start, which set the scene. This is because he was treated as an idol. Then, it was mentioned about the whole "We are the Exeterminators" part. This in my opinion told me that this family was about some kind of removing of a specie or type of Pokemon. This was a good idea and created an ambigious start for a such a small story.

Next, I felt that it was good how you interpreted the Main Character within the story. However, I felt it needed a scenary to be described. For example, I know he woke up in his room. However, it asks questions such as: "Where was his house?" "What was his room like?" It could be improved with some more description for future stories. However, since this is your first story... I am not going to be too pick! :)

Then, was the introduction of the main character's Mother and Father. This was a simple introduction and is fine as it is for a Basic Story like this one. It was vague being a fourteen year old's birthday, but that is not very original. However, in future stories you should expand the characters past more and maybe make some new introductions!


Plot: The flow of the story reminded of both Ghost Busters and Scooby Doo. This story was a good idea on exeterminating unsuspected bug Pokemon who infest houses! This could be a good plot run through for your future stories. It was an interesting read for such a Basic story. It was well thought out for an Extermination company in the Pokemon World and I could see it happening in haunted houses and so forth. When both the Cornelius and his Father went to the strange house it was good and did remind me a lot about Ghost Busters. Where they check out the place in question, which therefore means something strange/scary is going on in that scenary.


Dialogue & Grammar: This area of yours was fine as it is. However, if you decide to change to the same "person" tense in future. I suggest that you if did change to 3rd Person that you split all dialogue seperately. For example: Start a new paragraph when someone new starts talking or a new paragraph when a different idea/even suddenly occurs. This breaks up the sentences and structure of the story, which makes it easier to read and notice what is going on.

A major spelling mistake: Spinerak is actually spelt Spinarak! Must of been a typo!? Surely!? Anyways, I suggest using a Pokedex online to check on spellings if you are not sure. This is because even I have trouble spelling Pokemon's names.

Nothing too major here but steamrolling and grassless are two seperate words:

Also remember to captilize words in the Pokemon world: Pokeball.

A large, dark-blue aura started radiating around the little bat, and he seemed to strain for a while.

Nothing too harsh here. But make sure you split up consecutive Adjectives with a Comma. I used to do this all the time until I got told off by Graders! XP But, I do not shout when I used to Grade so it is fine. Just remember next time! :)

Steam rolling & grass less

Detail & Battle: The detail within this story was at an average level but could be greatly improved! You described some aspects of the story, however could improved. For example, you described the house they visited:

“We’re here.” he said, then pulled me out of the van.

To our direct right, there was a disgusting looking house, all by itself in a dark corner. It may have looked nice at one point, but the grassless lawn and boarded-up windows had changed its entire look. The house seemed to have a menacing aura that penetrating through my excitement.

Sure, this is very basic descriptions. I personally felt you could of improved the descriptions. For example, what color was the van? What was the air's temperature like across the trees? I suggest improving these in future stories for harder Pokemon by a lot. However, this is fine for this level of a Story! :)

It was a red and green bug, with a countless number of legs and bright yellow eyes.

This was fine for a basic story. But I would like to see in your future stories to improve the descriptive words. For example, another word for red could be Crimson or Ruby. These words make it more powerful when describing a Pokemon. If I remember correctly... Venipede has horns. They could have been described, but no worries this is fine for the small bug... or should I say dangerous bug! ;)

When the battle started, Venipede seemed to just attack to protect itself. This is perfectly normal for any creature in the Pokemon world to protect its home. This was good because the Main character walked in by accident... The Battle had a few attacks here and there but was fine for a Venipede in my opinion. Like I said before, more detail is needed in a Battle. You mentioned, a light speed attack bashed Venipede into a wall. What feeling could Venipede be feeling? Or did any dust bash of the walls? Who knows? Maybe some time in the future stories it will! Overall, the battle was fine for such a Basic Pokemon

Length: Sure thing for a Venipede!

Outcome: Venipede Captured!

I believe it is a capture. This is only because it is your first story...

Improvements for Future Stories: Please, please, please improve your descriptions of Battles, Locations, and Characters. Even if it seems to drag out! This makes the story flow more effectively and therefore the readers can enjoy it more! :) But congratulations on your new bug Pokemon and I look forward to more extermination stories from you!