An Eternal Partnership (vs Poliwag) [READY FOR GRADING]

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Thread: An Eternal Partnership (vs Poliwag) [READY FOR GRADING]

  1. #1
    Registered User Kyta's Avatar
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    Default An Eternal Partnership (vs Poliwag) [READY FOR GRADING]

    NOPE NOPE NOPE
    Last edited by Kyta; 20th October 2011 at 11:09 AM.
    Sup.

  2. #2
    Prince of All Blazikens! Magikchicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Eternal Partnership (vs Poliwag)

    Introduction, Characters, Backstory:The beginning situation is quite clear, and Kyta's backstory with Amaranth is explained early on. What is slightly lacking is character development, in the sense of getting an idea of what Kyta's actually like... but complex character personalities are only really necessary if they're either related to the plot, or if you're writing a story intended to catch a Pokémon a good bit more difficult than a Simple-rated one. Plus, there are some good little interplays between Amaranth and Kyta which at least partially serve this purpose. So, no big deal.

    Plot Content, Plot Flow: The plot is simple, following a variation of the generic "Trainer travels with starter Pokémon, Trainer goes looking for Pokémon to catch, Trainer finds and battles Pokémon, Trainer throws Poké ball." In this case, that's a good thing-- even though you're writing for a Simple rated catch, you reached 17305 characters in your story, which is massive overkill. A more complex plot would have just made your story even longer.
    For a Simple-rated capture like this, a simple plot is a good thing. There are just enough added 'plot twists' to make this plot your own (less generic) while not rendering it unnecessarily complex. Good job.

    Grammar, Sentence Flow: The following is the only major grammatical error that impacts the quality of your story, and that's because it results in an exceedingly long battle paragraph:
    Quote Originally Posted by Kyta
    “Ama! Detect, and then you know what to do!” Ama nodded once more, and narrowed his eyes, using Detect and watching his opponent’s movements. The Spearow’s wings tucked in, and Ama’s eyes widened as the Spearow began to rotate for a Drill Peck. “NOW!” Ama got down low, and used Agility; it disappeared from view, and then reappeared right above the Spearow. There was a moment where time seemed to slow down, with Ama flipping down, its large tail unwinding and heading towards Spearow as the bird Pokémon spun helplessly, its attack stabbing through nothing but air. “SLAAAAAAAM!” The Treecko roared in unison with Kyta’s voice...
    The problem with this entire section is that the speaker, Kyta, is not the same one taking the action (in this case Amaranth.) If it were Kyta acting before and after the quotations, then your paragraph structure would be correct, but as it is, a paragraph break is necessary before AND after each thing that Kyta says.
    This serves the additional purpose of making the battle actions easier to read, since they aren't all clumped together in one paragraph.


    Grammatical Quibbles: (Minor stuff you won't be marked down on, especially given that this is a Simple rated catch.)
    "Kyta and Amaranth had been together for the best part of a couple of weeks now," sounds slightly off to me. Normally 'the better part of' is used before a singular noun, like, 'the better part of a month,' 'the better part of a week.' Perhaps something like 'nearly two weeks' or 'more than a week and a half' would serve your purpose better.

    This:
    Quote Originally Posted by Kyta
    “SLAAAAAAAM!” The Treecko roared in unison with Kyta’s voice, and brought the tail down on the Spearow’s body and smashed it into the ground below. The Spearow cawed in choked surprise, and then went limp, unconscious. Amaranth landed, and panting, placed one foot on the unconscious Spearow, and raised an arm into the air proudly, as a symbol of victory.
    The first 'and' is slightly jarring since there's another 'and' in the same sentence. Not a huge problem, since it only makes it seem like you intended to finish the sentence with 'body' and then changed your mind and added more.
    The last sentence is rather long and run-on, and could use one of three edits (I prefer the first one and the last one:)
    *Split it into two sentences: "Amaranth landed, panting. The Treecko placed one foot on the unconscious Spearow and raised an arm into the air proudly, as a symbol of victory."
    *Remove the first 'and:' "Amaranth landed, panting, placed one foot on the unconscious Spearow, and raised an arm into the air proudly, as a symbol of victory."
    *Put in a comma and remove the last 'and' along with the now-obsolete final comma: "Amaranth landed, and, panting, placed one foot on the unconscious Spearow, raising an arm into the air proudly as a symbol of victory."

    Quote Originally Posted by Kyta
    “Personally?” she asked, laying Amaranth down on a bed. “I think it’s a Poliwag.”
    Despite the question mark, it's not a question-- the mark is there to signify a different emphasis/inflection on the word. '"Personally?" she began, or, '"Personally?" she told Kyta,' would work better.
    Also, a comma after 'bed' is needed because the two 'speech sections' are actually parts of the same sentence: "Personally, I think it's a Poliwag."


    Detail, Description: Somewhat lacking. Kyta is never described, and neither is Amaranth (although everyone knows what a Treecko looks like.) In addition to this, many of the places the protagonists go, including the Pokémon Center, are not described except by the presence of 'story-relevant landmarks' such as the infirmary beds.
    For instance, you mention that the Poké Center has a 'bright, welcoming interior,' but an explanation of why it seems bright and welcoming might be in order. Ex: "The bright lights in the ceiling of the Pokémon Center, along with the vibrant reds and oranges of the walls and counter, made the building seem very welcoming after the monochrome darkness of the night outside."


    Battles: Well described and interesting to read, your battles use attacks in innovative ways not constrained to their 'in-game' effects. No one wants to watch two Pokémon bash away at each other turn-based style with non-missing attacks unless they're actually PLAYING the game, after all. Not much to criticize here; great job.

    Overall: A good introduction and clear plot, along with engaging battles are what make this story not only meet the base requirements for a Simple catch, but render it enjoyable to read. The grammar, while not perfect, is completely understandable at all times, so it doesn't detract at all from the reader's experience.
    If anything, what you should improve on is detail-- specifically, descriptions. When the appearance of the main character is a big question mark, and he walks through a world of isolated objects he interacts with, but which float in a void of "???," the reader has to work harder to imagine what each scene looks like. You have a clear picture in your head of what you want to write about: Your job is to remember that your readers don't have that picture yet, and you need to paint it for them using your descriptions.
    What little you did describe is sufficient, though, for the purposes of a Simple catch-- the reader, at the very least, knows what KIND of place you're in-- Forest; quiet village; Pokémon Center-- but if this were a Normal catch I would ask you to edit in some more visual/auditory information before giving you the catch.

    Result:
    Poliwag: CAUGHT.
    Last edited by Magikchicken; 25th April 2010 at 11:48 AM.

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