ET: The Evil Terrestrial [SWC]

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    Some say I'm part opossum Opossumguy's Avatar
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    Default ET: The Evil Terrestrial [SWC]



    The crisp night air had a sense of eeriness. One lone figure was visible. It was the local night watchman, who was on a routine patrol, marching diligently across the road waiting for anything out of the ordinary.

    He was a well-respected citizen who was called the “City’s Pride and Joy.” He was a tall, muscular, and extremely strong young man. Normally, he thought his job was extremely easy. Catching criminals and helping out the city had always come naturally to him. That was, until a few months ago, when strange events started happening.
    The city had started to rapidly deteriorate in quality and cleanliness over the years, and crafty criminals sporadically wreaked havoc. If another crime were to break out, it would surely cost the watchman his job.

    A Ratatta scurried past the watchman’s feet and glared into his eyes, as if piercing his soul.

    “It’s probably just a stray. Yeah, that’s it. Must be someone’s pet,” the cop reassured himself. He shuttered a bit. Never had this particular watchman felt this frightened. He was in the top percentage of officers when it came to bravery.

    A beam of light flashed before the officer. It had a rhythmic pattern: green, then yellow, and finally red.

    “What in the good name of Arceus is a stop light doing here? Take it easy, Joe, it’s just your imagination.”

    The vivid lights started to flash faster than that of the fastest strobe light. Slowly but surely, the Joe’s mind was being turned to mush. As the light pattern got faster, the process quickened. Clearly, whatever was causing the pattern felt angry at the officer. After another agonizing two minutes, Joe fell to the ground, motionless. The lights disappeared once again, and Joe remained on the ground. The diligent officer was dead.

    ******


    “This is the Unova News Network bringing you breaking news. Black City has experienced yet another tragic event. For the fourth week in a row now, an officer was found dead in the middle of the street. Officer Joseph Smith, the Black City Police Chief, was found dead this morning. Medical teams have reported that he most likely died around midnight, and brain scans show that much of the nerves and tissues of his brain deteriorated as a result of flashing lights. However, the speed needed to cause this much brain loss is not currently achievable by any technology found on Earth. Due to the deaths of these officers, crime rates in the City of Greed have also risen. Black City citizens are advised to evacuate to the Large Dome in Nimbasa for shelter. We’ll bring you further information as it’s received. We’ll now return to your regularly scheduled special, “A Million Uses for Pinap Berries…”

    Ryan turned off the news. He had stopped at an old café in Nimbasa City for refreshments to give to his team. He ignored the old man yelling at him to turn the television back on. “That’s horrible. That poor old guy, that’s an awful way to die. What do you say, guys, should we try to help the people relocate?” Ryan asked his two Pokémon.

    These two had been close friends of Ryan for many years. On his left was a ghoulish and fiery chandelier-esque Pokémon named Chandelure. He was considered by most a scary Pokémon, but he was Ryan’s starter Pokémon, which he received when he was a Litwick.

    On Ryan’s right was his loyal Qwilfish. He was a blue and cream colored puffer fish Pokémon with many poisonous spikes on his skin. Qwilfish met Ryan for the first time ten years ago. However, Ryan had only captured him the month before when he saved him from an evil group of scientists. After this, the two strengthened their bond immensely.

    The duo gave Ryan an eager look and stepped much closer to him, signifying that they were willing to go through with the plan. “Let’s head for Black City. Those people can’t go through this much suffering any longer. It just isn’t right.”

    Upon reaching Black City, the group was stunned by the amount of debris and destroyed buildings scattered throughout the city. One such building had turned into a blazing scarlet inferno that stood towering above all others. The scorching beacon was dangerously close to a local fueling station, so Ryan had to step in.

    “Qwilfish, use Hydro Pump on that building and put out the fire! Chandelure, float Qwilfish up towards the top of the tower to speed up the process!” Ryan said as he boldly declared his plan.

    As Chandelure carried the Water-type up toward the pinnacle of the tower, Qwilfish spewed a stockpiled blast of water out of its mouth. The water had the power of five fire hoses as it hit the face of the building. In a matter of minutes, the flaring tower was extinguished.

    “Excuse me, young man, but are you the hero who put out that fire?” an elderly woman asked Ryan. She was a petite, gaunt, and frail senior citizen who smelled of hard candy and the goo that holds dentures in place.

    “Yes, but I am by no means a hero. I was just in the right place at the right time, and performed a good deed,” Ryan explained.

    “Let me just thank you, young man, by giving you this money. I assume fifty dollars should suffice?”

    “Oh, no payment is needed. I wouldn’t want to burden you,” Ryan said sincerely.

    “Well then, it’s not every day you find someone in Black City with no hint of avarice. I’m quite impressed, sonny,” the old woman said with amazement. “They don’t call it the City of Greed for nothing, you know.”

    Ryan was a bit startled that the old woman was surprised by his actions; she must have grown accustomed to people expecting money for random acts of kindness. In a way, it was sad. Ryan then noticed that the woman was dressed in all black, and looked as if she’d been crying.

    “Not to be rude or unkind, but were you heading to a funeral?” Ryan asked, uncertain of how the question would go over.

    “No need to worry, I’m not offended. Actually, I just got back from my friend’s funeral. She was in the law enforcement business and was killed on the job by strange lights. In all of my years I’ve never heard of such a thing. Well, I’ll be on my way to the safe house.”

    And just like that, the old lady was gone.

    “That was odd, huh, guys? Let’s just go check to building for any people or Pokémon. Maybe there are some survivors, or Pokémon still in their Poké Balls,” said Ryan.

    The interior of the tower was a smoldered, desolate wasteland. Ashes covered the once extravagant furniture and décor. Paintings were covered in a thick layer of soot. Qwilfish let out a small cry due to nervousness.

    “It’s okay, Qwilfish, we just need to look for survivors. Hey, look! I think I see a Pokémon.”

    A small, green, human-like figure was sitting in the corner of the room, eerily stared out the window at the desolate city. Ryan and his two Pokémon proceeded to slowly walk over to it, careful not to fall through the charred and destroyed floor.

    “Little guy? It’s not safe here. Wanna come with us? We’ll find you a nice safe home…” Ryan was cut off when the small creature sharply turned around, floating, and stared right at Ryan with anger in its eyes. And at that moment, Ryan knew what was going on. This was the cause of the lights, as the creature’s hand illuminated with the colors of a stoplight. He had to stop it.

    “Alright, Chandelure, it’s floating, so it must be a Psychic-type. Use Shadow Ball, Chandelure!”

    The chandelier Pokémon created a spinning shadowy orb in his flaming arms and hurled it at the extraterrestrial. The Pokémon simply lifted its arm and deflected the attack, as if it were swatting a fly. It then used an attack of its own. Its odd markings on its head began to glow, and it picked up Qwilfish.

    “Qwilfish, that’s a Psychic attack! Quickly! Get back in the Poké Ball!” Ryan shouted.

    However, the effort was wasted, as the little green man had already launched the spiky Pokémon at the wall before the crimson light returned it to the Ball. Poison types like Qwilfish took a ton of damage from Psychic type moves.

    The small green Pokémon then stared at Ryan’s group. It gave each of them a smug look. It lifted its hands.

    “Watch out! Don’t let the colored lights reach your eyes!” Ryan yelled, at the same time covering his own eyes. After waiting for the lights to finish, Ryan uncovered his eyes slowly, hoping for the best possible outcome, although the situation looked dim.

    Upon closer inspections, Chandelure and Qwilfish were, indeed, alive and looked unharmed. “Oh, thank Arceus you two are alright! I don’t know what I would’ve done if…”

    At that point, Ryan was being held in a chokehold by Chandelure, who had just suddenly attacked him. Qwilfish was charging up a Waterfall attack headed straight for his trainer.

    “What’s going on…what are they doing?” Ryan thought to himself.

    “Put him out of his misery. I’d do it myself, but it’ll be nice seeing a human be killed by the Pokémon who once served him. Oh, how foolish of me. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Elgyem. I thought you should at least know my name before you die,” a voice spoke from an unknown source.

    “Wait, where’s that voice coming from? And why does it sound like a toddler?” Ryan thought to himself.

    “Hey! Enough of the insults, okay? I can’t help it if I sound like a feeble Earth infant. I am Elgyem, as I said before. You know, the Pokémon that’s about to kill you? I am speaking to you via telepathy. In other words, since you humans are quite unintelligent, we are speaking through our thoughts,” Elgyem explained.

    “Wait!” Ryan thought.

    “Oh, what is it now?” Elgyem said, sounding quite annoyed that he was interrupted yet again.

    “How are you controlling my Pokémon? And why are you trying to kill me?” Ryan asked the telepathic monster.

    “Isn’t it obvious? I used a different light pattern than the one that killed the police officers. This pattern instead is able to control the minds of other Pokémon. And I am trying to kill any human who stands in my way because…humans are evil.” Elgyem started to sob a bit. He didn’t let Ryan know, of course. “Ever since I arrived on this planet, I noticed how atrocious the human race is. They are disloyal and deceitful to everyone around them, be it human or Pokémon, they ruin the land around them with cities and landfills, and they’re all greedy beyond repair. All humans are the same, which is why I must now get rid of you. Qwilfish, use Waterfall on your trainer!” Elgyem commanded.

    The Qwilfish charged at Ryan with blazing speed, as an aura of cerulean water cloaked its body. Chandelure released Ryan from his grip and ducked out of the way before the torrent of water could hit him as well.

    Ryan flinched with pain, and a small gash wound was left on his arm because of the spikes. Ryan just couldn’t believe it. The Pokémon that he’d raised for years with love and care were now turning against him.

    “Now, Chandelure, finish him off. Use Inferno,” Elgyem commanded telepathically.

    This was it. Inferno was Chandelure’s most powerful attack. As he was charging up, Ryan’s life flashed before his eyes. He saw his first few birthdays, some of his years in grade school, the day he met Qwilfish, and the day he received his starter Pokémon: Litwick. That was three years ago. In fact, today was the third anniversary of his journey. For those three years, the bond between Ryan and Litwick had been unexplainable. Now, the same Pokémon, albeit now a Chandelure, was charging up an attack that would surely kill him. Ryan began to cry a bit.

    Suddenly, Chandelure stopped charging up the attack, and just held the immense ball of fire in midair. He had seen Ryan’s tears, and something inside of his ghostly body had clicked. He gave Qwilfish a look, and the Balloon Pokémon seemed to have an epiphany as well. Qwilfish had proceeded to douse the flame with Water Gun.

    “You fools! What are you doing? I said kill him!” Elgyem telepathically screamed.

    “I guess the only way to prove to you that all humans aren’t evil is to show you myself! Chandelure, use Shadow Ball! Qwilfish, use Pin Missile!” Ryan ordered.

    A shadowy orb flew straight at Elgyem, surrounded by a bombardment of needles. Elgyem had no time to deflect the hits, as he was caught unaware by the fact that his minions were obeying Ryan. He had taken extreme damage.

    “You seem to have quite a bond with your Pokémon,” Elgyem telepathically said. “But I’m not going down without a fight,”

    “We’ll see,” Ryan said. He heroically pulled out a red-and-white ball and clicked the button in the center. “Go, Poké Ball!” Ryan yelled, tossing the Ball at Elgyem’s forehead. It hit straight on, and sucked the aggravated extraterrestrial inside. The Ball began to wiggle once, then twice, and then another time, and…
    I love opossums. They shall rule the world. Oh, and I should be more active now.

  2. #2
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: ET: The Evil Terrestrial [SWC]

    Okay, mine. I graded the first one after all. Plus I'm like your mentor or something.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
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    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: ET: The Evil Terrestrial [SWC]

    @Opossumguy

    The Terrestrial of Evil

    Well, here it is. Hopefully I didn't take too long on it. It's a little late since I was trying to finish up my SWC entry.

    ---

    Intro: The beginning to your fic is short and sweet, and I think that works here. It isn't a super long story, so the intro doesn't need to drone on and on.

    The intro fit in well with your story because you showed how decent the cop was before he was killed. It would have a different impact if the cop had been a slob or something. That adds insight into the villain a bit. I also like how the problem was put up front right away, letting the readers get interested in the mystery behind what happened.

    I think my favorite part of the intro is the last sentence. Ending sections with an impacting or finalizing statement really adds to a story in my opinion, and often times, last lines are the things I remember most about stories even weeks or months after I read them. Since this is the only section that's separated from the rest, there's only one opportunity to do this, but you did it well.

    I think the only thing that didn't really strike my fancy is when you said, “Clearly, whatever was causing the pattern felt angry at the officer.” I don't really think that anger was clear just from the flashing lights and attacking the cop.

    Plot: For a Medium rank mon, the plot worked. It wasn't the typical Trainer-goes-outside-and-finds-Pokémon thing exactly. Even if it was, the way you presented it was just fine.

    For higher ranks, you might want to double check for some realism points though. There were a couple things I wondered about, like the advisory to evacuate Black City. That's understandable if a lot of people are dying from some unknown thing, but what else is being done about it? There's probably other stuff happening behind the scenes, but from the information given, evacuation seems a little extreme considering that there's sometimes a string of murders in larger cities too. What other measures have they taken before moving to this step? Do they have police officers investigating around the clock? Did they instruct cops and civilians to always travel in pairs? Would they close the gates down to travelers coming into the city if it was that dangerous?

    It doesn't need pages of explanation on that, but brief mentions, like in the news report, would add a little more realism to the suggestion and make it more believable. I think the news report was a great way to start the Trainer's part since it showed the main problem of the story in an interesting way.

    Another thing that was a little confusing was when the Elgyem used Psychic on Qwilfish. The fish was returned to the ball, but then right after, you said he was out and being order to use Waterfall.
    However, the effort was wasted, as the little green man had already launched the spiky Pokémon at the wall before the crimson light returned it to the Ball.
    You may have meant that Qwilfish failed to return to his ball because he was attacked, but it wasn't really clear in the way you worded it. The 'before' suggests that he was returned afterward. I went back and reread just to make sure I didn't miss something, so be careful how you word things. If the first scenario is true, you could put 'before the crimson light could return him', just to clarify that it did or didn't happen.

    I like the part when Ryan starts to cry a little at the thought of his partners turning against him, but I think that part of the story was a little bit rushed. After his mons snap, he just jumps back into the battle like nothing happened. The same thing sort of happened with the Pokémon. As soon as they saw the tears they just snapped out of the trance.

    While this is okay here because the plot doesn't need to be overly complicated, I think it would've been a little more realistic if some more had happened here, like if Ryan had tried to snap them out of it by talking to them. You mentioned the bond thing a few times throughout the story. Here would've been a good way to demonstrate the bond they have. It would add a little characterization to everyone. In higher ranks, things like that makes the characters more deep and the actions they take more purposeful, which makes for a stronger story all around.

    The only other thing I wanted to mention here was the ending. There was another one of those cliché end villain speeches again, like in your last fic. It's okay here for the rank, but drawing it out or revealing the information in interesting ways might be more helpful for future stories. I know you know that classic ball-shaking endings aren't necessary, but considering what sort of situation they were in, it was a fine choice.

    If you had wanted to expand, maybe Ryan could've convinced the Elgyem to stop what it was doing by showing it that not all humans are as evil as it thinks. He could've shown it the bond he had with Qwilfish and Chandelure or something, since you mentioned that one a little.

    All in all, I was satisfied with the plot idea as a whole.

    Detail/Description: Your description was sufficient for Medium rank. Sometimes it was hit and miss, like with Pokémon attacks, but other times it was spot on. I really liked the old lady in Black City. The description about hard candies and dentures made me laugh, and I love how you used the city's theme of greed to include the part about the money. That was very clever. I love small details like that. Another one I really liked was the 'Million uses for a Pinap Berry'.

    Details are really there to help the readers paint an accurate picture, since we can't see what you see in your mind. Here's a couple of places you could've added to, for reference in your future stories. It doesn't need to be anything long-winded, but just a sentence here and there can really add to a story and make it more clearer.

    For example, in the intro you say the city had deteriorated and that criminals wreaked havoc. How did it deteriorate? Did buildings collapse? Are a lot of the businesses closed? What kind of havoc would there be? Is there a lot of looting? Do fires get started often? Just a few words can help paint a better picture of the state of the city without being too generic about it. This is especially good because it's in the introduction, and it's important to establish the setting somewhat early.

    Another place is in the battle with Elgyem. Ryan had to close his eyes when the Pokémon used the flashing lights, but if he couldn't look, how did he know when it was safe to open them? Did he see the remnants of the light from inside his eyelids? Did he turn around and see the flashing colors against the opposite wall? Was the Elgyem making a noise as it attacked?

    On the whole the detail was okay, especially when you described the two Pokémon. The only other thing I'd advise is briefly describing the main character, even if it's a sequel. A lot of people won't remember what he looks like from the last one, so just anything to refresh the memory would be good, like the color of his hair, does he wear a hat, etc.

    Grammar: I saw a lot of improvement here from your last one. There were only a couple places where you had a comma where there shouldn't be, and there were very few typos/wrong word. Great job there.

    There was only one area that really stuck out as confusing, and that was due to your placement of sentences:
    And at that moment, Ryan knew what was going on. This was the cause of the lights, as the creature’s hand illuminated with the colors of a stoplight. He had to stop it.
    The bold one in particular is missing something. The second part is being used as a phrase, but the rest of the sentence is incomplete. This may be in the wrong section because it has more to do with realism than the grammar, but I think it can be fixed here. It's a little unrealistic that Ryan can just look at the Elgyem and know it's the one causing the problems without doing anything. If you put the “as the creature's hand...” part before you say he knew what was happening, it would make more sense. Something like this:
    As the creature's hand illuminated with the colors of a stoplight, Ryan knew what was going on. This was the cause of the lights. He had to stop it.
    Or something similar. If you wanted to grammatically fix the bold sentence, you could say “...lights, he realized, as the creature's hand...” to make the sentence correct. Then it would be a little skeptical plot-wise, but that choice is ultimately up to you.

    Another minor thing you may want to keep in mind is repeating the same word many times close together. This happened only once, in the beginning, but I noticed it right away. It was the part about the fast flashing light:
    The vivid lights started to flash faster than that of the fastest strobe light. Slowly but surely, the Joe’s mind was being turned to mush. As the light pattern got faster, the process quickened.
    I think the lights are going pretty fast XD. All jokes aside, I do this a lot too. I usually look in a thesaurus, either in book form or on the net, if I cant think of another way to word it. This makes it sound like you're not repeating yourself. Maybe instead of saying the pattern got faster, you could say it sped up. Just some food for thought.

    Length: Elgyem is a Medium mon, so that gives you a target range of 10-20k. I got 12,553 by my count, so that sits comfortably in that range.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: There was only one more event that I questioned the plausibility of and that I haven't already mentioned. This was the burning tower. Ryan rushed to put out the flames, but until then nobody had noticed it? There weren't other people trying to help? Something like that would be pretty noticeable I would think, and even though Ryan was arranged to be the hero, him doing all the work seems a little farfetched, depending on how tall the tower is/how big the flames are.

    The only other thing I want to say is about having thoughts in quotes. Just leaving them that way is a little jarring because it makes them look like speech. A lot of people use italics to differentiate them instead. The same goes for telepathic communication, since that signals that it's done in the mind. For thoughts to ones self, quotation marks aren't even needed if you use the italics. Another thing to think about if you're going to be including some Psychic-types in your future stories.

    Result:
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
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  4. #4
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: ET: The Evil Terrestrial [SWC]

    This has been graded for the SWC and deleted.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
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