Encounters at the Beach

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    Very fruity and batty. Noivern's Avatar
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    Default Encounters at the Beach

    Pokémon aiming for: Azurill
    Character count required for Simple: 5000-10000
    Actual character count: 10646


    Well, this was the first time I'm writing stuff like this, so bear with me, OK?

    ---

    You know, this Pokémon... I think it all started with a phone call from my friend. That one friend that hasn't called me for a very long time...

    Hang on, you don't know this "friend", you say? Let me explain a bit. That friend? She's May. It's not that one from Hoenn, though - it's another May. I know her personally for a long time. We were childhood friends. Sort of. We used to live in the same place, back when we lived really close to each other. The distance between our houses was pretty much effectively zero metres. We played with each other quite a long - to the point that some neighbour screamed at us for messing around his garden.

    "Hey, Res, do you want to go out with me?" That was unexpected! I mean, why on earth did she just suddenly call me, to go out? So, I decide to enquire her about... well, this outing.

    "Hold on a minute... It's been a long time, right, May? You haven't called me for a very long time..." I spoke to her over the phone.

    "Well, yes, it is indeed a long time! But still, I have something for you. Something very special... I promise!" May replied back.

    "Like, what?"

    "Well... get outside your house."

    "Wait, what? You are outside my house now? Let me change first. I'll meet you at the entrance."

    ---

    I went out, into the sunny day. The skies are blue, with lots and lots of beautiful clouds. The sun's rays shine through them warmly. The whole place is filled with warmth and life. May was waiting beside her own red, presumbly-new car.

    She quipped, "Took you long enough to change-"

    I interrupted her without hesitation. "Wait a sec! It's only three minutes since you told me to get out! How am I supposed to come out without being in a proper outfit?"

    "Maybe you have a point. That aside... let's see... where did I put that again? Aha! Found it! TA-DAH!" She holds up not one, not two, but THREE fishing rods, and... waving them around.

    "Umm... are we going to go fishing? And why three fishing rods? And why are you waving them around?"

    "Um... whoops! Sorry for that show. Anyway, yes, we are going to fish, and that's what we'll do today. ALL DAY!" Aaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Fishing! That dreaded activity! I think that was my WORST nightmare! I've had bad experiences with this - letting a Magikarp slip out? That's... INEXCUSABLE!

    "Truth to be told... I have never went fishing in my whole life. I can't even hold a rod properly."

    "No problem! I'm actually a fishing expert. Oh, and the third rod is the backup rod. Just in case you break one of them."

    "Are you sure about that? I'll prove it to you that I'll not break your prized possessions that easily! Hahahaha..."

    At the same moment, I stared at that huge box located inside the car's trunk. I became really curious about it, but, since I'm not supposed to mess around with other people's stuff... "What's that for?" I asked her about that mysterious box.

    "Oh, that? It's a secret, of course!"

    Oh, no luck in finding out information about that box. "Anyway, I think it's time for us to go. Since we're going to fish, how about that beach? Um, I mean, Sandy Beach. Don't ask about the name, since it was named like that since I moved to here." I suggested to May about where should we go.

    "Hmm... actually, that's a great place!" May replied, full of energy, that she looks like she's not just ready for a fishing expedition - she looks like she can get a world adventure going! "That place... probably has the most ocean Pokémon! And we might end up with various other stuff there, too!"

    Hang on... are we forgetting something? I suddenly thought about the fact that we need Pokémon out there!

    "Did you bring any personal Pokémon?"

    "I did bring a Torchic and a Piplup."

    "Well, looks like my Twiggy wants to come along for a ride. Shall we go now?"

    "Sure! Get into the car, and we'll head out to Sandy Beach! By the way, I think I'll sing something for you, since I'm so excited that I finally got to meet you and go out with you!"

    "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

    ---

    After that 20-minute ride along a really bumpy road, we ended up on the one and only Sandy Beach. Everything looks normal - the trees were there, the little resting corner was there, the seats were there, the restautant was there, the sand was beautiful as always... aside from the fact that no one is there. And not a Pokémon was in sight.

    May was puzzled. "Isn't it holiday season? I thought people would be around." But somehow, she says that with a really cheerful tone.

    "How... can... you... drive... like... that? I'm... feeling... really... dizzy... from... that... ride... And not to mention that your singing skills leave a lot to be desired, May."

    "Hey, I know about that! How about you?" For once, I managed to see her angry face.

    "OK, OK, I give up on this. Anyway, yes, it is weird indeed. Why nobody was here? I don't see any Pokémon."

    "Whatever, let's just fish, OK?" That cheerful smile on May hasn't ceased yet. I'm genuinely surprised by the fact that she can just smile all day long without her facial muscles becoming tired. Maybe smiling has become second nature to her?

    "*sigh* OK, then." I relucatantly picked up my fishing rod, and I began fishing. "Oh man, I think this is going to be a massive time-waster..."

    Little did I know that this is going to be a huge experience for both of us...

    ---

    (several hours later)

    I was getting rather bored. Constantly looking at the horizon has really taken its toll on us.

    "*sigh* It's been a long time since we sat down here and started fishing. I wonder why there's nothing now?"

    "Do you think... something really bad has happened? Like, a huge monster has eat-"

    "Shhhhhhhh! None of this nonsense, please! I think it would be a better idea to quit." Sometimes, I think May has too much creativity and imagination...

    "*sigh* Might as well as do that, as our fishing expedition was fruitless. Oh well..."

    We were heading back to our car, planning to leave the beach, until...

    Suddenly, I hear the rustling of the leaves. The winds suddenly became much, much more stronger. Like, really strong! And then suddenly... I hear ocean waves. Really loud ocean waves. Wait... that's not quite it. Hang on... what's up with the weather? Did I imagine that, or did the weather really went haywire?

    That's when a swarm of Magikarp carried by the waves came crashing down on us.

    "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! Where did they come from?"

    "Must be the ocean!"

    "Nooooooooooooooo! At this rate, we're going to..."

    "Hit the wall?"

    I looked right behind myself. Sure enough, there was a wall. Of all the places to have that wall...

    ---

    I don't know what happened since then. I got knocked out. By colliding with that stupid wall.

    "Wake up... wake up..." I heard a voice. I think I know the voice very well.

    Sure enough, I woke up right at that moment. I was looking at May.

    "Ugh... what did happen?" I asked. (Not that I needed to ask about that, though.)

    "Well, you did hit a wall back then. You went out cold." (Yeah right, I knew that already.)

    Wait a sec... I suddenly hear flopping sounds. I decided to take a quick glance around the area. Sure enough, there were a lot of Magikarp flopping around there.

    "I think you should go to the hospital now. here, I'll-"

    That's when these Magikarp suddenly attacked us. Well, sort of.

    ---

    I immediately dodged a Magikarp's pathetic attack on us. The Magikarp are probably the weakest Pokémon in battle when not used with really good skills... if skills that good exist. I don't really think that YouTube video counts, anyway. What can these red "magical" carps do? Most of the time, they flop around. And it's pretty much that, and no more.

    But, these are kinda different. I can see it. They look like they are going to get mad at us and... *gulp* I don't really want to think about that too much. These Magikarp are serious!

    And these Magikarp barraged us with lots and lots of attacks.

    "Eeeeeeeeyah!" "Ouch!" "That hurt!" The whole scene was really chaotic, with lots and lots of garbage and water.

    "Hang on... did you forget that you have Pokémon? Me too! How did I forget it, anyway? Don't tell me that knock on the head was more severe that I thought..."

    She's right! I have forgotten that I still did bring my Twiggy along for the ride!

    "...Looks like you're going to help us out, OK?" I looked on my Twiggy's Poké Ball.

    Then I clicked the button on the Poké Ball, and I send out my trusted partner.

    ---

    Twiggy is out at the battlefield, which is now full of puddles and garbage. Twiggy looked straight at the horde of Magikarp. He looked really tense. It must be because it was a really long time since he last battled for real. This is the first battle for him in the month.

    "Hmm... while Grass-type attacks are super-effective against Magikarp, which are Water-type, when you are against that many Magikarp, like, well, a few dozens or so... do you think you can do it, Res?"

    "I trust in my judgment. No ifs and buts. Twiggy... Razor Leaf."

    Twiggy complied. Within an instant, sharp-edged leaves shot out from Twiggy, and in a moment not too soon, the leaves were sent towards the Magikarp army at high speed.

    The Magikarp army didn't flinch. At all. Instead, another Pokémon conviently decided that it was a wise time to be in the line of sight of Twiggy. An Azurill. It hit the Azurill hard.

    ---

    Azurill cried. I suddenly felt a heavy load materialising on me. I was filled with guilt. Why, oh why did I harm that little Azurill?

    Without thought, I decided to carry that Azurill. I didn't even bother to check that the Magikarp were attacking. I was risking it all.

    "Twiggy, come back! You need to get here, now!" I recalled Twiggy back.

    "You are going with us, Azurill- Hang on, they are attacking again!"

    The Magikarp army attacked again. Except for the fact that they aren't Magikarp anymore. They are Gyarados. And all of the look angry- no, REALLY angry.

    "Get over here, you fool! Don't dawdle there!" I heard May shouting this. May was already at the driver's seat, waiting for the right moment to hit the acceleration pedal as hard as she can.

    Just as I was about to be properly seated inside that cramped car, I looked back. The Gyarados army leader was... gathering energy for a breath attack.

    "Get outta here, fast! Hit that gas as hard as you can!"

    I felt a violent shake behind me. My ears were deafened. But, still... I'm safe. We're safe. She managed to get us out of there in time.

    ---

    And that's how I met that Azurill. Not too many days later, after the Azurill was nursed back to perfect health, well... I decided to ask the big question.

    "Will you come along with me?"

    I looked at Azurill's eyes. I finally met a new Pokémon friend. Just... was Azurill willing to follow me along with Twiggy?
    Hey, it's Noivern here. I like Noivern a lot. I like Katy Perry. I want a Hydreigon plushie. Also, I'm a total PC geek.
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  2. #2
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default Re: Encounters at the Beach

    I'll claim this. Grade in a couple days probably.
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  3. #3
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default Re: Encounters at the Beach

    Introduction

    Alright, it’s not very clear exactly where the introduction of your story ends, so I’m going to go with when May and Res leave for Sandy Beach. The other place it could have ended is when Res left his house, but I decided to go with this way.

    The very first sentence of your story confused me to begin with, but it seems you favour a style of writing that’s fairly rare – using a framing device to tell the story like it has already happened. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this – personally I love framing devices – but you didn’t develop the device enough. It sounds like Res is talking to someone, but the listener isn’t mentioned in any way.

    You open by talking about the protagonist receiving a phone call from an old friend, who wants to go hang out him with. You mention that you haven’t seen her in ages and that the phone call is quite a surprise. Res dresses and goes outside to meet the friend, a girl called May. She invites him on a fishing trip and they head off together to Sandy Beach along with their Pokemon. For a Simple story, this is an acceptable introduction – it introduces the characters, and I am staying interested so far. This could be an adventure, a romance, a comedy – at the moment I have no idea, and I like that.

    Plot

    The plot itself is quite basic but solid, if weak in some places. Res and May arrive at Sandy Beach and set up their equipment. They spend “several hours” there and catch nothing. Just before they’re about to leave, a large group of Magikarp swim up onto the beach and start attacking the two people. After being smacked around a bit, Res uses his Pokemon to start fighting back but a Razor Leaf attack accidentally hits a nearby Azurill. Res rescues the wounded Azurill and everyone flees to the car as all the Magikarp evolve into Gyarados. Several days after the event, the Azurill has been healed and Res asks the Azurill to join his party.

    It all makes sense at first glance, but there’s a few things that bug me. You talk about having lost contact with May for a while, but the reason is never explored. Similarly, you go out of your way to introduce a box in May’s car but it’s never mentioned ever again. These are just small annoyances though – there are two problems with the plot that really bothered me.

    Firstly, what exactly happened with the Magikarp is never explained. Apparently, a horde of them just shows up on the beach and begin attacking two innocent teenagers before all evolving simultaneously. Awfully suspicious and coincidental. You could have tried to hand-wave it by noticing control chips or something on them, but instead it is just marked down as a random act of nature.

    Secondly, you mentioned when Res and May arrived that the beach was completely empty, and there was no one around. So why then did an Azurill suddenly appear there when the Magikarp were attacking? It might have been a good idea to have the Azurill there from the beginning, and then you could have had Res start befriending it or something.

    All in all, your plot is acceptable, but you’ll definitely want to up your game if you go for higher ranked Pokemon.

    Dialogue

    Like your writing style, your dialogue was a little bit quirky and hard to understand. It almost seemed like you were trying for some kind of rapid speech thing, like rapid-fire comedy as opposed to normal stand-up. Most of the time it didn’t really bother me, but there were a couple times that I really had to stop and read carefully to see to understand what was happening, and that broke the flow. These are quoted below:

    "Anyway, I think it's time for us to go. Since we're going to fish, how about that beach? Um, I mean, Sandy Beach. Don't ask about the name, since it was named like that since I moved to here." I suggested to May about where should we go.
    You’re trying to fit too much into a single dialogue tag. Take it slower, and have your speech turn into real conversation as opposed to just fact / opinion delivery.

    "Hmm... while Grass-type attacks are super-effective against Magikarp, which are Water-type, when you are against that many Magikarp, like, well, a few dozens or so... do you think you can do it, Res?"
    This one isn’t as bad, but again, you’re dragging it out and I lost the flow at “like, well, a few dozens or so” (which, while I’m here, is grammatically incorrect – it should be “a few dozen”). Separate it out a bit more so it seems like two people are talking, as opposed to two people talking at each other.

    Grammar

    Your grammar was mostly alright, especially considering this is your first story. You managed to stick to a tense and avoid the common errors, which is great. Your story wasn’t perfect, but instead of nitpicking I’ll just point out a few of the major offenders.

    We played with each other quite a long - to the point that some neighbour screamed at us for messing around his garden.
    I’m pretty sure that should be “We played with each other quite a bit”, and the part about the neighbour would probably be better in its own sentence.

    "*sigh* It's been a long time since we sat down here and started fishing. I wonder why there's nothing now?"
    Don’t use chatspeak, like putting actions inside asterisks. Round these parts, them’s fighting words :P Seriously, you should instead write something like: “It’s been a long time since we sat down here and started fishing.” I sighed. “I wonder why there’s nothing now?”

    The Magikarp army didn't flinch. At all. Instead, another Pokémon conviently decided that it was a wise time to be in the line of sight of Twiggy. An Azurill. It hit the Azurill hard.
    You talk about the Azurill being in Twiggy’s line of sight, but a better phrase would be “line of fire”, because the Azurill is being hit by a projectile attack, not blocking Twiggy’s vision. Another problem with this excerpt is that what you’re talking about keeps changing, and so does what you’re referring to when you use “it”. First you’re talking about the Magikarp horde, then you swap to talking about the Azurill, then finally and most confusing, you start talking about the Razor Leaf attack. You seem to have this problem a bit – you smush stuff together. Don’t be afraid of length.

    Detail

    There wasn’t really much description in your story, apart from a few select areas. You never described your main characters, and perhaps worst of all you never actually tell us what breed of Pokemon Twiggy is. I assume he is a Turtwig, but name aside he could be any Pokemon that can carry Razor Leaf.

    Another problem, but more slight, is that when the Razor Leaf attack accidentally hits the Azurill. You say “it hit the Azurill”, but a Razor Leaf attack is usually agreed to consist of multiple leaves fired at the opponent as opposed to a single beam of energy or something.

    I liked how you talked about inconsequential things, like the box and Res’ past relationship with May, but it was a little disappointing to not see you do anything with the little tidbits you fed your readers at the start.

    When you DID describe your scenery, it was great, like when you got to the beach. You mentioned the trees, the sand, the restaurant, etc… I could easily see the image of a popular tourist beach in my mind. You should use this good imagery in more places – again I get the feeling that you’re trying to crush words together. Let the story flow naturally – length is not a bad thing.

    Length

    I count 10,743 characters in your story, which is over the Maximum required for the Simple Rank Pokemon that Azurill is (10k). It feels like your story is a little cramped, but you have the length easily – I can’t fault you for anything here.

    Climax

    Despite being incredibly improbable, the climax of the Magikarp all evolving and attacking the party as they flee was exciting, if not described very well. Your story had a nice progression overall – people were introduced, an adventure had, a problem discovered and then overcome. Most first time writers have a problem with the climax, but you did a pretty good job of keeping the build up going until it was time for the action.

    I’d advise describing the action a bit more, though. There was only a brief mention of the newly-evolved Gyarados using a breath attack before May drove the car away – it might have been a bit more exciting to have the horde firing Hyper Beams at them as they escape or something.

    Overall

    The Magikarp are probably the weakest Pokémon in battle when not used with really good skills... if skills that good exist. I don't really think that YouTube video counts, anyway.
    Lololololololol.

    I had a bit of trouble deciding what to do with this story. It was written in a style that I wasn’t familiar with, but there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with it, and I’m pretty sure that parts of this story were intended to be comedic, which is rather rare here on BMG from what I’ve seen. The other thing I had to keep in consideration was that this is your first story, and it is Simple Rank to boot. With that in mind:

    Azurill Captured!

    It was a close thing, though. Next time, don’t squash your sentences and dialogue together and try to plug up any holes in your story. Also, don’t talk about stuff that you’re not going to use later on, like the box in the car and May’s Pokemon (try googling Chekhov's Gun when you have some spare time).
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    ~No one understands how important sex is better than someone who isn't having any.~

    "ALLAREFRED" WinterVines 7:15 pm
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