An Electrical Surprise!

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  1. #1
    Life In Your Time MagicTricksKill's Avatar
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    Default An Electrical Surprise!

    Pokémon requested- Mareep!

    Night had come and gone once again and today was the day when I headed out on a brand new journey with my new friend, Cubone. I loved everything about the little guy, His cute little skull, how it kept slipping over his eyes as he walked awkwardly, the small dented bone he carried around as a makeshift weapon. Cubone had some serious dedication though to his get up. . . The first time I met Cubone I put my hands on his “Skull” and within moments I was on my back avoiding a bite from the little guy. Cubone and myself have had a tough time starting out.

    After receiving him, I returned home to find a letter from my mum saying she had to run to the mart and left some freshly baked cookies in the oven. I for one was overjoyed, Cookies were a perfect refreshment after the uncertain start between me and Cubone and I thought what better way to make Cubone feel welcome than sharing some wonderful food with him. But I couldn’t have been more wrong!
    I took the tray from the oven and placed it in front of Cubone who eyed the cookies suspiciously. “Cook-ees!” I explained to Cubone, “Very hot!” I nodded and pointed at the tray. Cubone nodded in unison and I returned to the oven to close the oven door.

    Within moments I heard a yelp and Cubone was lying across the counter clutching his paw, teary eyed. His bone spun across the floor and landed under the sofa at the other end of the room. “Run your paw under cold water!” I yelped as Cubone growled, smacking the cookies of the counter, which fell all over the floor. But he ignored me and ran to find his bone, his butt stuck in the air as he rummaged underneath the sofa trying to reach his bone. I chuckled as I heard my mother come in the front door and the let out a scream when she saw the Cubone, butt in the air, at her sofa and cookies all over the floor. “Meet Cubone, mum!” I smiled as Cubone yelped along with my mother.

    “How about Cube?” I asked Cubone, considering giving my new partner a nickname, but fell short of impressing Cubone. The two of us walked along the outskirts of route nineteen. It had been two days since we left home and Cubone was still studying his paw. “Bonno?” I asked, suggesting another nickname, But again made no impression on him. Cubone stomped ahead as he became fed up with my stray thoughts.
    “You sure do have a big temper Cube!” I sniggered, but stopped almost as quick as I began when he turned and hurled his bone towards my own skull. It shot over my head with ferocious speed and into as nearby tree, much to the frustration of Cubone.
    I watched the defenceless skull wearing Pokémon dart towards the tree to reclaim his weapon and couldn’t help but muster a slight chuckle.

    “You know Cubone, We’ve got along way to go before were ready to take part in any battles but I think we’ll get there soon en-...” As I spoke to my companion, I turned to discover he had disappeared.
    “Cubone!” I called out worriedly, frantically searching around in circles.
    “Cubone!?” I repeated. There was no answer and he was no where to be seen.
    I raced over towards the tree where he last stood and caught a glimpse of him in the distance beside a bush with a bird like Pokémon standing atop his skull. It was a navy bodied bird which was no bigger than Cubone, it was a Taillow!

    “Hey! You! Leave my Cubone alone!” I yelped running to the aid of the boneless Cubone. As I neared the duo, I was pushed back by a sharp peck delivered by Taillow. I fell on my back but quickly recovered and returned to help my friend, I found Cubone’s weapon a short few steps away and picked it up, using it to scare the Taillow away. It flew off with wild yelps and screeches.
    Cubone gave me a look of gratitude and took his bone back from me. We both laughed, but was cut short by a sharp noise from a bush to our left, which Cubone immediately reacted to by throwing his bone towards. There was a loud thud and then silence followed. “Yes! We got that Taillow good!” I cheered, but suddenly electrical bolts emitted from behind the bush which struck Cubone harshly. I looked upon my Pokémon with a smile as he shook it off. “Cubone use Bonemerang!” Cubone obeyed and tossed his bone into the bush once again and this time a woolly yellow Pokémon appeared. A Mareep!

    “Oh wow!” I exclaimed surprised, but returned to the battle as Cubone called upon me for his next move. “Use Headbutt Cubone!” He did and it was a successful attack. I cheered once again but was dismayed to find Cubone struggling to move again. He had been paralysed! The Mareep began to charge for Cubone with full speed, “Raise the edge of your bone and strike outwards Cubone!” with perfect timing, Cubone did so and Mareep came into full contact with the edge of the bone! Sending it sliding across the dirt and grass. The Mareep struggled to get up but failed and I cheered once more and raced to help my Cubone, “BoneEdge! Cubone the BoneEdge!” I laughed deciding on a nickname, Cubone nodded in agreement and then closed his eyes and winced suffering from paralysis. I turned to Mareep and threw one pokeball at the it… It shook Once, Cubone watched upon the attempt…Twice, I crossed my finger and bit my lip…Three times… Suddenly, light poured from the pokèball and the injured Mareep escaped. Cubone winced in pain and I knew he could no longer battle. I opened my backpack and let Cubone sit in its warm coating while I made my way closer to Mareep. It sent shocks flying towards me and I dodged them with elegance. Cubone let out a cry as I edged towards the Mareep who backed slowly away, challenging me. I ignored cubone’s cry, but he pushed his bone into the back of my head. “What Is it BoneEdge?” I questioned, taking the bone from him and holding it in my hand. Mareep sent out several more electrical shots which were conducted by the bone Cubone had presented to me. “Brilliant BoneEdge! Now his electrical attacks can’t hurt me! When your ready to go let me know!” I told the injured Cubone. Mareep looked away into the distance and turned and began to run away, Cubone let out a yelp as I began to chase it down.

    Cubone held onto the back of my hair as he slipped and slid out of the backpack, letting out unusual cries and screams. Mareep didn’t seem to know where it was going because it kept running into dead ends and being near cornered by me and Cubone.
    Finally after minutes of chasing, Cubone leaped over my shoulder, artfully grabbing his bone and releasing it from his grasp in one swift movement. The bone shot under Mareep’s legs and once again caused the woolly Pokémon to fall on its face.

    “Go! Pokeball!” I bellowed with determination. Cubone looked upon this capture eagerly. One shake… Two shakes…Three shakes… Success! The Pokèball became steady which brought a wave of relief over me.
    Cubone raced over to the ball and nudged it towards me with his bone.
    I picked the sphere up and announced to the world, "I caught a Mareep!"
    Last edited by MagicTricksKill; 17th April 2010 at 06:08 AM.

  2. #2
    Awesome Opossum Sequentio's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Electrical Surprise!

    I'll claim this and grade it soon. :)

  3. #3
    Life In Your Time MagicTricksKill's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Electrical Surprise!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sequentio View Post
    I'll claim this and grade it soon. :)
    Thank you very much my excellency!

  4. #4
    Awesome Opossum Sequentio's Avatar
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    Default Re: An Electrical Surprise!

    :D


    Introduction:
    I was first introduced to you and your new Cubone. You described him in detail - which gives the reader a good idea about how he looks. However, your introduction was lacking some sort of hook to draw the reader in. What was going on? Why is it interesting? Include action or an interesting piece of dialogue as your introduction to draw the reader in and make them want to read more. However, this is not bad for a first attempt.


    Plot:
    So you are introduced to Cubone, your partner. And you take it home to show your mother. And then you run into a wild Mareep.

    This is a basic plot used in many beginner stories. From now on, try to avoid the basic formula of;
    Kid gets Pokemon. Kid goes outside. Kid encounters a Pokemon.

    You can do ANYTHING related to Pokemon. In fact, I've read stories where it's a Resident Evil and Pokemon crossover, and I can assure you that did not have a kid getting their first Pokemon and setting out on an adventure. *laughs*

    Although, this is your first story and it is for a Simple mon - so the plot is acceptable.

    Lastly, it came to my attention that you jumped around a bit in the time line. The jump between introducing yourself to Cubone and two days into the journey was so sudden I had not realized that there was a time skip. I think it is because you talked to Cubone about a nickname before addressing the fact that you were now in a different point in time. Make sure to denote a large change in time in the future.


    Dialogue:
    Below in the grammar section, I explained some dialogue errors. Other than the grammatical structure of the dialogue, it was fairly good as a whole. Everything said was fairly important and related to the plot in some way (such as when Cubone and your character bonded over the cookies).

    You get a thumbs up in this section.


    Grammar:
    This was the section which had the most mistakes that I could see. Some were spelling errors, but it was mostly formatting issues or sentence structure.

    When each new character moves or speaks, a new paragraph begins. For example;
    “Oh wow!” I exclaimed surprised, but returned to the battle as Cubone called upon me for his next move. “Use Headbutt Cubone!” He did and it was a successful attack. I cheered once again but was dismayed to find Cubone struggling to move again. He had been paralysed! The Mareep began to charge for Cubone with full speed, “Raise the edge of your bone and strike outwards Cubone!” with perfect timing, Cubone did so and Mareep came into full contact with the edge of the bone!
    May be better off as; (Note - changes made are in bold).
    “Oh wow!” I exclaimed surprised, but I returned to the battle as Cubone called upon me for his next move. “Use Headbutt Cubone!”

    He did and it was a successful attack.

    I cheered once again but was dismayed to find Cubone struggling to move again. He had been paralyzed!

    The Mareep began to charge for Cubone with full speed.

    “Raise the edge of your bone and strike outwards Cubone!” I yelled.

    With perfect timing, Cubone did and Mareep came into full contact with the edge of the bone!
    Also, you need to be careful of grammar within your sentences.

    I loved everything about the little guy, His cute little skull, how it kept slipping over his eyes as he walked awkwardly, the small dented bone he carried around as a makeshift weapon.
    "His" should not be capitalized since it is not referring to God, nor is it the start of a sentence. There should also be an "and" between "awkwardly," and "the".

    The first time I met Cubone I put my hands on his “Skull” and within moments I was on my back avoiding a bite from the little guy. Cubone and myself have had a tough time starting out.
    Again, Skull should not be capitalized because it is not the beginning of the sentence. Also, "myself" should be "I". If you remove Cubone, the sentence would read; "Myself have had a tough time" and that makes no sense.

    I for one was overjoyed, Cookies were a perfect refreshment after the uncertain start between me and Cubone and I thought what better way to make Cubone feel welcome than sharing some wonderful food with him.
    Cookies does not denote a new sentence and shouldn't be capitalized.
    I thought, 'What better way to make Cubone feel welcome than sharing some wonderful food with him?'
    Thoughts are shown by using ' . Also, that is a question and should end with a question mark.

    I watched the defenceless skull wearing Pokémon dart towards the tree to reclaim his weapon and couldn’t help but muster a slight chuckle.
    Defenseless.

    He had been paralysed!
    Paralyzed.

    pokèball
    Pokeball, Cubone and the names of moves should ALWAYS be capitalized because they are proper nouns.

    If you need help with grammar, you can always check Microsoft Word for help as well as sending your story to a friend to proof read it and help you edit it. :)


    Detail:
    I was excited to see you had so much detail! Very rarely do beginner stories have acceptable amounts of detail. Yet, yours even began with describing how Cubone looks! That is a good idea, since you have to pretend your readers don't know what Pokemon are.

    You also described actions - such as what Cubone did and why. I did notice you lacked a bit in surroundings, so make sure to take note of that in the future. What color is the grass? Is it an emerald green or a dehydrated brown? Are the trees full with leaves or are they bare for winter? Is your house cozy on the inside with plaid curtains? You're the one telling me the story. Help the reader envision the surroundings.

    Anywho - wonderful detail and description when concerning the characters and battle.


    Length:
    This is a little short, but still within the 5 - 10k range. Next time, try to aim for the middle, around 7,500. It might seem difficult, but with extra detail, I'm sure you can do it!


    Battle:
    This was excellent for a first time story. It took up the majority of the post and it was descriptive - with you using varied attacks. I also noticed you used a move that paralyzed and then went on to describe how it affected Cubone. However, since Cubone is a Ground Type with the Lightning Rod ability, it cannot be affected by Thunder Wave. However, Mareep has many other moves that it can learn through level-up which can hit Ground types. Even though this is a story, typing and move damage is still taken into account by graders.

    Otherwise, your battle was very good and I enjoyed reading it.


    Catching:
    I was actually on the fence with this story, because the detail, length and battle were right on par for this kind of story. However, the introduction and plot were a little lax and the grammar was certainly not up to par. But because the detail and battle are very important and the plot was acceptable for your first story, I'm going to go ahead and say Mareep Captured!

    I hope you improve with future stories. :)

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