Droughtamid
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  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Droughtamid

    Target Pokemon: Elgyem
    Required Length: 10000 – 20000
    Actual Length: 16068

    Droughtamid

    Rainbow Canyon Chronicles – Enter Cleo & Yokai

    Droughton Village is a desert place full of drought and masses of sunshine. This village is in the opposite side of Rainbow Canyon to Cessation Village. Droughton has a small amount of houses because of all the lack of water, which makes this place import their water or food. Therefore, many people choose not to live here or migrate to other parts of Rainbow Canyon.

    Many houses are sandy, pyramids, which are held together by an infrastructure of metal. They decided to build houses this way because there was never any rain or strong winds, within this area of Rainbow Canyon. These pyramid houses had a sharp roof, which pointed towards the strong, oceanic sky. Bright, sunlight intensified the village and no plants existed. However, number of sharp cactus stood tall within the sandy community.

    Nearby Droughton, there was a giant pyramid, which towered high and near enough touched the sky. This monument was known as Droughtamid and was Drought and pyramid slotted into one word. Community of this village decided this because it was a cool concept. Similarly, the pyramid had many mysterious legends co inhabit within. The entrance to the historical place was a modern door, which had been manually crafted and had a small key hole.

    “Are you ready to search through the pyramid Yokai?” A female voice said. This trainer stood beside the pyramid’s silver door. She was named Cleo and she had long, brown hair, which covered her ears. Similarly, Cleo hardly wore any clothing because the weather was so hot. Therefore, she dressed in brown shorts, alongside a brown top. Beside, this enthusiastic female was her older brother, Yokai.

    “I was born ready,” Yokai smirked arrogantly. “No danger can stop me.” Yokai was a natural born leader and loved fossil Pokemon. Similarly, he had searched many pyramids, caves, and forests for creatures. This is because he is a trained archaeologist and has been for the past 2 years. Yokai wore the same clothing as his sister because it was so hot due to the Drought within the village. Both trainers quickly knelt down and tightened their black sandals.

    “Do you have the key, Yokai?” Cleo asked and pointed towards the small key hole. The sun burned fiercely on the two trainers and they started to sweat slightly. Yokai slipped on his grey rucksack and clanged the keys out of his pocket. The keys brightly shone from the sun, which were slotted between the keyholes. A forceful turn swung the door open… The insides of the pyramid seemed dark as Cleo poked her head through.

    “Move out of the way already,” Yokai, shouted angrily at his sister. In the past, he always bullied her as a child because Yokai was the arrogant type. Similarly, the archaeologist trainer was jealous of the attention his sister had as a child. He had a vision of when his sister got praise for finding a fossil that Yokai sort after so much. Therefore, he wanted to conquer the pyramid’s findings and become better than her.

    “Oh jeez,” Cleo said with an annoyed look. She brushed her brown hair back and tilted away from Yokai. These two trainers were granted the key to the pyramid because Cleo won a Pokemon catching contest a week ago. Her capture was a Spoink whilst Yokai failed to capture any at all. Therefore, both siblings were competitive and stubborn. They both squeezed through the tight door of Droughtamid at the same time…

    “Eeek,” both trainers said and struggled through the entrance. Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind them. Inside the pyramid, the atmosphere felt mysterious and they could not see anything at all. Cleo turned on a torch, which illuminated the pathway and revealed a narrow path. The walls were coated in solid sand and had strange holography on them. Nobody had discovered what these markings meant. Yokai slipped out a magnifier and enlarged the strange transcript.

    “This looks similar to a Celtic script I read in my training years,” Yokai said with a mysterious voice. He quickly skimmed over the distorted symbols whilst Cleo looked around. She was eager to run ahead without her arrogant brother. She stomped the sandy floor in haste.

    “Come on, let’s go already,” Cleo shouted, which echoed through the corridor of sand. She tapped Yokai on the shoulder and shattered his magnifier on the wall. It shattered into small pierces and landed to the ground. He turned around in anger with a frown on his face.

    “WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?” Yokai shouted at the top of his voice. Sand started to pour down the walls because of the shouting. Cleo’s face dropped and she walked on without him. The eager trainer walked through the sand towards an even darker entrance ahead of her.

    “I will find all the treasure, with or without you,” Cleo said as she turned her back. Yokai dropped his magnifier handle and chased after Cleo. They both entered a darker entrance, which was illuminated by the flash light. The pathway within this new area of Droughtamid was split between two paths. One path seemed full of light, where treasure could be. However, the other path seemed like a dark, scary pathway, which would lead to someone’s demise. Yokai and Cleo looked carefully at both pathways.

    “I will choose the dark path because you’re probably scared,” Yokai said, and laughed at Cleo. He placed his hands in his pockets and then dashed towards the murky, wet sand passageway.

    “How about I take that path then?” Cleo asked. “I am sure I can handle it by myself.” Cleo stomped the grainy sand and glared at her arrogant brother. He turned around towards her and then brushed off sand from his brown hair.

    “Sure, why not,” Yokai said whilst he smiled. The archaeologist trainer knew he could con his sister into taking the dreaded pathway whilst he looted the treasure. Cleo walked in the direction of the murky trail with her flashlight, which illuminated the walkway. However, Yokai turned towards the heaven like entrance and dashed on for treasure. Behind them within the walls, crimson lights beamed out of the grainy column. The grainy wall dematerialised for a moment and appeared was a Pokemon.
    This creature had been living in Droughtamid for years and guarded the treasures of the pyramid. It was an extraterrestrial Pokemon, which has an oblong, grey head with depressions either side. Similarly, it has symmetrical line going down the front of its shiny head. This Pokemon was known as Elgyem. Elgyem’s hands have three finger-like digits, which are red, green, and yellow. It hovered through the dark chamber with its stubby legs levitated behind it. The ET wannabe levitated towards Cleo’s pathway slowly to catch up with her…

    Meanwhile, Yokai slowly tiptoed through the heavenly-lit chamber, which revealed more sandy walls and objects. These walls were encased by solid sand and had illuminated lanterns hang off them. Within the centre of the lit up chamber was some small, Elgyem statues. It seemed like a shrine and these statues lit up intensely as Yokai walked past them.

    The archaeologist trainer carried on walking past the gleamed statues and then saw a small picture frame. It was a small 6x4 frame with a cobwebbed photograph inside, which showed an Elgyem with its trainer in Droughton Village. Yokai looked with a distorted a look and wondered what had happened here. The trainer in the picture looked similar to Cleo. However, the girl had red hair and not a brown-haired woman.

    “This looks similar to my stupid sister,” Yokai whispered to himself. He carried on slowly towards a sealed, sandy access that was locked up. However, there was a keyhole… but where was the key? The archaeologist trainer then glimpsed next to the door and saw a sign full of strange symbols. Therefore, a code of some sorts that led them to the key.

    Yokai bashed one of his sandals to remove the grainy sand, which had leaked into them. Suddenly, he pulled out his spare magnifier, which was crack free. Yokai need carefully enlarged the symbols as he peered through the magnifier. Next, the fossil maniac pulled out a small book from his bag. This book was labelled “Pyramid Translations Research.” Therefore, past explorers who went into the Droughtamid made a small book full of some translations. (That they could discover and it was not many)

    Meanwhile, the enthusiastic teenager walked down the dark, scary walkway. Her flashlight illuminated the dirty, sandy floor. The sand was damp and every step Cleo took made her slightly sink into the floor. This was as if it was quick sand. Cleo carried on slowly and turned up into a room.

    “Where am I now?” She whispered to herself. Cobwebs inhabited the murky room where nothing but darkness appeared to stay. This room had statues that looked like an Elgyem, however they were a made out of rocky, grey stones. Cleo flashed her torch at a strange exit, which had a different doorway. Next to the door were strange markings, which led where the key existed. Cleo was able to translate the black symbols and locate the key...

    “Behind the statue is the key, but can you find it before you meet me,” Cleo said to herself. “I wonder what that’s supposed to mean.” The enthusiastic trainer quickly ran towards some of the stony, statues and examined them for the key. Suddenly, a mysterious creature appeared behind her. It had a grey, oblong head, which must have meant it was Elgyem! Elgyem levitated behind her steadily as she grabbed the keys.

    “I’ve found them,” Cleo said with joy. Cleo quickly turned around and saw Elgyem…

    “AHHHH!” Cleo screamed in shock. The scream bounced off the walls and echoed throughout Droughtamid.

    Yokai on the other hand unlocked his heaven like entrance and strolled through it. Suddenly, he heard the scream and his face smiled.

    “Clearly, wanting attention again,” Yokai said and smirked. He strolled along the sand and entered the shadowy room. The room the archaeologist entered was a large room, which suddenly had lanterns light up as he entered. Within the room were more Elgyem statues, and piles treasure, which lay in the middle of the room. The treasure was mainly full of old Egyptian like objects, which glistened brightly from the lanterns. Yokai’s face beamed with happiness as he charged in the direction of the treasure.

    Meanwhile, Elgyem has a psychic bind on Cleo, which made her so she could not move. The psychic aura squeezed her tightly and she struggled to breath for a moment.

    “What do you want with me?” Cleo shouted in pain. The oblong Pokemon flashed its traffic lighted hands and levitated for a moment.

    “Hello Shizu, it’s nice to see you again,” Elgyem whispered in a mysterious voice. “Finally, we are reunited. Let me take you to our old hang out.” Elgyem’s head flashed for a moment and it levitated towards the entrance Cleo opened. The ET wannabe levitated the capture girl through the doorway, which seemed to be a shadowy passage.

    “I think you have the wrong person,” Cleo pleaded and struggled within the bind. They both levitated in side the room. The chamber was all sandy and was illuminated by the lanterns, which hung of solid sand walls. In a circle inside the chamber were stony statues of Elgyem, which were a grey, rocky colour. In front of them was an archaeologist who was admiring the gold with a spectacle.

    “I cannot wait to take this entire treasure home,” he shouted. It was Yokai. Elgyem’s face turned angry as it viciously levitated in the direction of Yokai. Sand started to pour from the ceiling due to the rapid speed.

    “Keep away from my treasure,” Elgyem shouted. “Or else. I will protect the treasure Shizu!” Yokai dropped his spectacle on the golden, covered area and stood up for a moment. He looked in the direction behind Elgyem and saw his sister squeezed tightly by a psychic bind.

    “What is this Cleo?” Yokai asked with a confused look. Then, he remembered the photograph from before… Elgyem must have been looked after by a trainer called Shizu and left for a strange reason. Perhaps the extraterrestrial Pokemon waited for its friend’s return.

    “This Pokemon thinks I am a girl called Shizu,” Cleo cried. “Help me big brother!” Cleo struggled some more, however it was no use. The lanterns burned fiercely and Elgyem became angry.

    “You’re not Shizu?” Elgyem said angrily. “I will destroy both of you!” Elygem’s bind squeezed Cleo violently and then levitated in front of Yokai. Suddenly, he tossed a Pokeball to the sandy floor, and crimson light flashed from the sphere. A large, pale-yellow shelled Pokemon materialised next to the golden treasure. This Pokemon’s body had sky-blue tentacles and wriggled quickly. It was an Omanyte! Omanyte used many gas-filled chambers in its helix shell to remain buoyant in the water column. The fossil Pokemon hissed loudly towards Elgyem.

    “Omanyte, use Ice Beam,” Yokai shouted. “I may not like Cleo much, but she’s my sister!” Omanyte vibrated its shell for a moment. Suddenly, it breathed out a little mist, which transformed into a cold, frosty beam of ice that shafted in the direction of Elgyem. The ET wannabe was struck badly, which made it fall backwards for a moment.

    “Take my Shadow Ball attack!” Elgyem said and waddled in the air. An aura of foggy shadows materialised in a giant sphere around its body. Suddenly, it was zoned outwards through the sandy chamber and in the direction Omanyte. The fossil Pokemon was stunned for a moment and scrapped across the grainy, sand. It breathed heavily. However, Elgyem did not stop their and sent another Shadow Ball attack.

    More shadowy balls of fog hovered quickly at the shelled tentacle. It was buffeted across the floor again and recoiled off one of the Elgyem statues. Omanyte struggled to get up off the sandy ground. Suddenly, Omanyte got up and glared at the ET.

    “Omanyte, use Water Pulse,” Yokai shouted. “I will save you Cleo. I may have been arrogant and showed no signs of caring for you before…” Omastar breathed in the hot atmosphere and a pulse of water was sprayed out quickly. The circular, cold pulse rapidly splashed Elgyem. The Psychic Pokemon shook for a moment and then levitated towards Omanyte.

    “Eat Psywave,” Elgyem angrily shouted. Its body became outlined in a mysterious blue colour and then circular waves of psychic energy weaved out. The waves were large and repetitively spewed out by Elgyem. Psywave pounded Omanyte’s hard shell repeatedly, which forced it backwards. Omanyte fell to the ground in pain and struggled to get up.

    “Omanyte, try a Tackle,” Yokai shouted and hoped his fossil would stand up. Omanyte hopped onto its oceanic tentacles and jumped speedily through the air. Its shell smacked Elgyem’s oblong head, which bashed it to the floor. Omanyte landed onto the grainy sand whilst Elgyem shook its head in pain. The ET Pokemon hissed violently and then squeezed Cleo’s bind more.

    “Ouchie,” Cleo cried. “Help Yokai!” Yokai’s eyes turned red and he worried for Cleo’s safety.

    Suddenly, the Psychic Pokemon flashed a grassy wave of power in the direction of Omanyte. The Energy Ball attack dazzled the Omanyte, which dematerialised around its shell body. The fossil Pokemon was bashed into an Elgyem Statue… the rocky statue fell backwards into the sand. Omanyte was so stubborn and jumped up again. It panted heavily whilst it was hurt severely by its wounds.

    “Omanyte, free my sister and use Ice Beam,” Yokai cheered and shed a tear. Omanyte shivered violently and a strong burst of ice shafted quickly towards Elgyem. Sand flickered up within the powerful beam and materialised around the Psychic creature. It was then turned into an ice cube. Elgyem’s ice infested body dropped like an Annville to the ground. The Psychic bind was freed around Cleo and she fell to the sandy floor.

    “Thank you for saving me brother,” Cleo said with joy and ran and hugged Yokai. Both of them squeezed each other tightly and did not argue like before.

    “I have an idea,” Yokai said. “Let’s capture Elgyem and reunite it with Shizu!” He quickly dropped his backpack and revealed a Pokeball. The ball was tossed quickly through the brightly, lit chamber and bounced off the iced over Elgyem. The Ball encased the talking ET and dropped to the ground…
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
    im sorry women are difficult
    i understand why some should stay in the kitchen

  2. #2
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Droughtamid

    Mine!

    - Kat


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    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Droughtamid

    Introduction: In a way, it was longer than a normal introduction because you had three full paragraphs describing the village and then one paragraph for the characters. There’s nothing bad about it, per say; reading all of it felt like as though I was reading a pamphlet for Droughton, which was like a pleasant overview of all I need to know. Despite that, a story is not supposed to feel like I’m reading a pamphlet but a novel. There’s always opportunities to mention more characteristics of Droughton, either in detail or in passing by one of the characters. Basically, don’t dish out everything out at once. Make the reader curious about what this town has to offer. Give us a sense of mystery, of being a foreigner in a strange land.

    The mention of Cessation Village made it feel as though I was supposed to know this other village. You could have simply worded it as, “this village was on the opposite side to its prosperous counterpart, Cessation Village, a tourist attraction known for its waterfalls and fountains.” or something like that, depending on what Cessation Village actually is in comparison with Droughton.

    Plot: This is probably my favorite story of yours so far, mainly because there’s more of a plot than battle in this one. I’ve never read a story about an archeologist trainer, let alone two competing to come out on top. That spin on the plot made a sibling rivalry that much better and more original. The actual reasons to the rivalry weren’t very clear, however. Yokai was bullied by his sister, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she still bullies him. Actually, a reason for her to so competitive would tell me why she wants to do anything with him if he’s so uncaring and arrogant. Cleo could have easily gone into the pyramid by herself and not worry about Yokai beating her.

    The side-plot with Elgyem and Shizu wasn’t all that clear, but as I’ve said before, a Medium Story can result in leaving some loose ends at the end. I assume this Pokémon is the reason there were so many Elgyem statues within Droughtmid, but there wasn’t much pointing in the direction that Elgyem was an official (as in, recognized by the village and those who take care of the pyramid) guardian. Based on the information you have, I assume he’s an abandoned Pokémon who took up the role of guardian as a pretense to wait for his trainer. Then again, that’s just me filling the holes. Point is, even though I expected loose ends, the short story may have lead to some minor plot holes, like the statues.

    Characters:

    Yokai: Possibly the main character, since he does the rescuing and the battle. His actions certainly pointed to the arrogant and competitive person you said he was, which is why I find it odd that after all these years, he suddenly started caring for Cleo. It’s not so unbelievable, since they are brother and sister and a Pokémon is threatening to kill her , but some conflicting emotions in Yokai would have made the shift in emotions run smoother.

    Cleo: As I said before, I don’t understand why Cleo took her brother with her if he’s so arrogant. Unlike Yokai, you never explained why she acts the way she does to him. On Yokai’s part, the sibling rivalry is explained on the fact that he was bullied by Cleo and never received the praise he deserved. People aren’t just plain mean without some sort reason, like an inferiority complex or something else. Then we have her shift into “damsel in distress” at the end. Her previous character seems like the type who would fight back first and ask for help later. (Didn’t she have some Pokémon? She did enter in a contest to catch one, after all.)

    Elgyem: Didn’t it seem to overreact when it found out Cleo wasn’t its trainer and that Yokai was intending to steal the treasure? As far as I know, the treasure doesn’t hold any sentimental value to it, unlike the picture. In Cleo’s case about threatening to kill her, I don’t know whether its reaction is normal for it or if its loneliness finally got it.

    Grammar/Spelling: I’m pretty sure I’ve covered everything of importance on my last two grades, so I won’t waste your time by repeating myself. I’ll just point out some minor things:

    However, number of sharp cactus stood tall within the sandy community.
    It should be “cacti,” the plural of “cactus.”

    The walls were coated in solid sand and had strange holography on them.
    “Holography”? In a pyramid? XD I think you mean, “hieroglyphics.”

    He carried on slowly towards a sealed, sandy access that was locked up.
    “Sealed” and “locked up” are kind of redundant since “sealed” implies that it is closed with no way to enter, much like “locked up.”

    It was then turned into an ice cube. Elgyem’s ice infested body dropped like an Annville to the ground.
    I think you mean: “anvil.”

    Length: No problems here.

    Description/Detail:

    Inside the pyramid, the atmosphere felt mysterious and they could not see anything at all.
    How exactly does something feel mysterious? Such things as “mysterious,” “strange,” “beautiful,” are subjunctive, and its meaning differs from one person to the next. This is where I ask for you to describe what mysterious is, in your opinion or in the opinion of the characters you are portraying. If you don’t, readers are going to fill in the blanks with something that may be the exact opposite of what you imagine. In some cases, this can ruin the mood you are setting for your story. For example, there is mysterious-awe, mysterious-horrifying, and so on. The descriptive words you use will also differ depending on the mood you’re going for.

    The ET wannabe levitated the capture girl through the doorway, which seemed to be a shadowy passage.
    “ET Wannabe.” The first time I read it, I found it funny. As you put again, and then again, it began to lose its wittiness. You see, ET is a shout-out to the real-world, which is why it’s an odd description to put in a Pokémon story more than once. When you do put something from our world into theirs so many times, it gives the story a feel of a parody or a comedy. But this isn’t a parody or a comedy, and frankly, both would ruin the plot you have here. Next time, just use it once.

    The chamber was all sandy
    There’s nothing wrong with the description itself, but the use of “all” gives me the sense of someone describing the chamber to a friend, very casual-like. Since you’re not going for a casual story, I suggest you keep your narration as professional as possible.(The description is fine, though, if its dialogue or in first person and the character is just that, casual.)

    Battle: Battle of the ancients! I actually quite liked it. Not only were the attacks nicely described but I liked how the focus would shift from Yokai, to the Pokémon, and to the trapped Cleo. Sometimes, when the battle is about rescuing something or someone, the victim is completely forgotten in favor of the battle, which is pretty unrealistic. Who would turn their attention away from the person they’re hell-bent on saving? So yes, good job on this section!

    Climax:

    Yokai cheered and shed a tear.
    Why? Was it the sand, the sight of seeing his Pokémon hurt, or the fact that he was finally going to save Cleo? And “shed a tear” makes me think of the tear suddenly erupting out, not at all like a tear’s slow trek down the face. Basically, Yokai’s feelings moved a bit too fast to really make the reader care. Character development is lovely, and don’t be afraid to stretch the story out to really dig deep into the character’s psyche. I assure you that the results will be worthwhile. Not only will you have a character that beats the odds but you will also have a character that we know almost as well as ourselves.

    Outcome: Elgyem captured! You really did a great job on this story, and you deserve your Pokémon. Sorry for taking longer than I intended with the grade, but here it is. ^-^

    - Kat


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  4. #4
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Droughtamid

    Note: Shizu was a Character in the first chronicles. I guess I should of noted that at the end. THanks Kat! ^^

  5. #5
    WhatWasOnceIsNoLongerWere Phantom Kat's Avatar
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    Default Re: Droughtamid

    Quote Originally Posted by Fossil Fusion View Post
    Note: Shizu was a Character in the first chronicles. I guess I should of noted that at the end. THanks Kat! ^^
    Ahh, I see, thanks for clearing that up. Since there was no indication in the author's notes that these are in fact, continuations or related to each other, I assumed Shizu was a new character. Oh well, good to know. And you're welcomed. :3

    - Kat


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