Thread: The Dopei Problem

Target Pokemon: Slowpoke
Required Length: 10000 – 20000
Actual Length: 14833

The Dopei Problem

Rainbow Canyon Chronicles – Enter: Wendy

In Rainbow Canyon, there exist many villages, which have many different attributes. Some of them have fun, exciting tourist attracts that bring in a lot of trade. For example, Jeweleon Village has its beautiful ocean, and Droughton Village has its Pyramid. However, this is contrasted with the village of Dopei. Dopei is a village clouded by lazy people who do not work, or try to encourage the tourism compared to the other villages.

“Let’s see what I can hook in today,” a female voice said to herself. This female trainer was a fisherwoman who loved water Pokemon. Her name was Wendy and she had lived in Dopei community for many years. Wendy was always a bubbly trainer and did not let anything pull her emotions down. Her ambition was to capture all water Pokemon that existed and master these Pokemon’s abilities as nobody ever could. However, her other ambition was to make Dopei the community more touristic.

Wendy wore long black trousers, which flared over he pink shoes. Similarly, her bright, pink t-shirt stood out firm alongside her smooth black trousers. The fisherwoman trainer was equipped with a huge cherry coloured rucksack, which appeared to be a hiker’s carrier. Similarly, Wendy had a tall fishing rod, which was strapped to her bag and stretched long towards the bright, oceanic sky.

“Stop that thief!” a voice shouted in Dopei village. A man dressed in black-white clothing and wore a balaclava dashed through Dopei territory. This thief also had a massive grey, moneybag with a dollar sign on it… He quickly dashed past a few houses in the lazy village and in the direction of the fishing area.

The houses in this area were bungalows, which were all painted in a rosy, pink colour. Similarly, the gardens within this village were all dull and full of dead plants. This is because nobody watered his or her plants. Flowers drooped by the second due to the lack of water. Hardly any trainers even travelled to this village for battles because it was so dull and decrepit. Dopei village’s food supply was mainly imported from other Canyon communities because of the mass laziness that existed.

Wendy casually strolled in the direction of the Dopei River when the thief bashed her violently. She tumbled sideways and yelped in pain for a moment. The evil thief then glimpsed at her through his balaclava and dashed away. Wendy brushed the dust off her black trousers and chased the burglar.

“Come back here!” Wendy shouted. This trainer was not lazy and was sick of the atmosphere of the village. Similarly, the villagers were so lethargic that robbers came and gone with many goods. Nevertheless, not this time. The relaxed trainer sprinted on the rocky road to the river.

“No!” the thief shouted. “Oh drat, it is a dead end.” The dollar-bagged robber was surrounded by stony cliffs, which had eroded sharp rocks at the bottom of them. He looked around quickly and stared at the cold, oceanic river, which had a quick torrent. On the other side of the stream was another grainy pathway that led towards another village.

“Go, Staryu!” Wendy shouted as she tossed her Pokeball. She stomped towards the river and cornered the pickpocket. Cerise luminosity flared out Wendy’s starter Pokemon. Staryu materialised on the sandy like ground next to a sharp rock. This Pokemon is a star-like creature, which has a tanned main body. Similarly, it has a crimson jewel that beams brightly when injured.

Staryu twisted in a full motion and gushed out a strong Water Gun attack. The blast flushed towards the thief. Suddenly, he dodged out of the cold assault and dropped the dollar bag. He then threw his own Pokeball to the floor. A flash of crimson light flared into the cold air and revealed a Pokemon.

“Go, Grimer,” he shouted. Grimer materialised on the sandy ground in front of the striped trainer. This creature is a purple pile of poisonous sludge with saucer-like eyes. The sludge like Pokemon dripped sludge to the ground and slithered towards Staryu. Wendy slowly panted and stood behind her trusty Staryu and pointed at the balaclava man. He thought to himself. I remember this girl from School let us see if I can catch her off guard here. He gritted his teeth and glared through his balaclava.

“Return what you stole!” Wendy shouted. “I am not lazy like these villagers.” The water expert remained calm and firm when she shouted. She wondered if she knew the thief because his voice sounded familiar compared to someone, she had met in the past.

“Whilst your pathetic villagers are being tardy,” the thief said. “I come in and steal all your money.” His scratched his head and reminisced. This Wendy girl was someone he had a childhood crush on. Therefore, was it time to take the grudge to a new level?

“Staryu, use Tackle,” Wendy said. Staryu’s brown body started to turn like a propeller and stunned at the sludge poop. Grimer was sharply tackled by Staryu; however, the star Pokemon was stuck inside its body slightly. It struggled to pull away from the sludge-coated creature.

“Grimer, use Body Slam,” moneybags shouted. Grimer threw its sludgy body on top of Staryu’s star like bulk and flattened it. The sludge from the Grimer’s body made the star creature paralysed. The poisonous slime from Grimer leaked quickly into Staryu’s propeller like joints and paralyzed it. Staryu remained motionless on the sandy floor whilst Grimer slithered to the rear temporarily. The jewel Pokemon hopped to its feet slowly…

“Staryu, counter with Power Gem!” Wendy shouted whilst she pointed at the thief. Staryu propelled in a circular motion, which made its bright, red core illuminate. Suddenly, shiny emerald like rocks pelted in the direction of the sludge. Grimer was stoned by the crystals and groaned loudly.

Suddenly, the grimy creature breathed in the cold air and exhaled fiercely. A poisonous, purple ball of sludge slurred en route for Staryu. It dematerialised the star and forced it backwards into the rocky, cliff. The brown cliff started to release sharp stones, which tumbled onto the star. Staryu was tired and its crimson core flashed violently, and repeatedly.

“Staryu, no,” Wendy shrieked and worried. Grimer slithered slowly towards the fainted star creature. Wendy ran quickly at Grimer and fisted its face. The sludgy Pokemon just bounced the punch off its mire face. The water trainer fell to the ground in pain next to Staryu…

“Hey, Grimer,” the thief shouted. “Let’s rob this girl of all her loot.” The thief’s balaclava muffled quickly and Grimer sniggered for a moment. It slinked and headed for Wendy… she struggled to move from her careless attack. The thief thought to himself that perhaps his actions were a bit too harsh and that he still cared for her. However, why was he robbing Dopei Village?

Meanwhile, bubbles within the stream gushed to the surface slightly. A cold wind brushed the tainted waters and a creature arose to the surface. This creature’s eyes shined brightly read as it glared in the direction of the thief. Its eyes watched slowly as Grimer slithered at Wendy.

“Grimer, stop her now!” the robber shouted as he picked up his dollar-bag. As he slowly picked up the bag of money, he remembered about the past. He thought to himself that Wendy cheated on him for another person. The Thief felt guilty but he wanted to make her pay.

Grimer threw its poisonous hands onto Wendy’s pink rucksack and tugged violently on it. Wendy rose up on top of her knees and squeezed her backpack tightly back. The mysterious figure within the river slowly swam through the cold water to the shore. Its pink paws stretched to the ground and it waddled slowly to the battlefield.

“Help me!” Wendy shouted and hoped somebody would come.

“Nobody can help you here, Wendy,” the thief said, and laughed. He walked slowly behind Grimer as the sludgy Pokemon tugged her rucksack away. The fishing rod snapped in half when it scrapped the rocky, ground.

“How do you know my name?” Wendy asked the robber. She cuddled her legs on the stony floor, and was scared. Her calm and enthusiastic side was slowly disappearing. Wendy quickly flashed back her Staryu to its Pokeball and then realised she has another Pokemon. However, the reserve creature was a stubborn Pokemon, which did not obey her at all. In the past, the creature was angry because Wendy stood on its feet and made them flatter.

“I know everything about this village, and you Wendy,” the thief said. “Especially when we went school together.” The robber grabbed Wendy’s pink rucksack and unzipped it open. All was in there was a lot of Water Pokemon bait and a few empty Pokeballs. His eyes turned fiercely as he pointed them at the water expert. Grimer hissed loudly as it saw a pink creature behind its master. The thief stopped still for a moment and thought about what he was doing. Do I really want to hurt the girl I loved? That was 10 years ago.

“What is it Grimer?” He said as he turned around. “Oh wow a Slowpoke! Big money if we capture its tail.” He quickly ignored Wendy and directed Grimer to attack the Slowpoke. This slow being was a large pink hippo and a long, lighted tail and had tanned muzzles. It yawned loudly and was too tired… However, this resembled Dopei Village.

“The mascot is here,” Wendy whispered to herself. Grimer quickly turned around and swept its poison fist at Slowpoke. The creature was pounded in its pink face, which made it shook its head in pain. Slowpoke yawned some more and then used a Water Gun attack. It gushed out a strong surge of water, which flushed towards the Grimer. It was splashed violently and it shrank in size due to the cold flush.

Slowpoke was the mascot of Dopei Village due to its lack of motivation and laziness. However, this poke was not like the others. Suddenly, Slowpoke breathed in ferocious hot air from the sky and streamed out a fiery blast. The flamed magma seared Grimer and set it on fire. Grimer slithered quickly sideways as it was burnt by the hot, flames. The murky creature fainted on the soil.

“How dare you!” The robber angrily shouted and gritted his teeth. Suddenly, he grabbed a net from his pocket and tossed in the direction of Slowpoke. The net had a static shock, which sparked when it caught something. Wendy saw Slowpoke being targeted. She quickly jumped into the net, which circled around her. The pickpocket thought that his actions were too fierce to his sweetheart from the past and wanted to make things right.

“Ouchy,” Wendy cried. She was encased by the sparkled grid and fell to the sandy ground. Slowpoke turned its rosy head slightly and saw that the Water Pokemon trainer saved it.

“Wendy, move it,” the thief said. He peeled off his balaclava and revealed his clean-shaven face. His blue eyes reflected the river’s current and the robber’s hair flicked within the short breeze. Stunned Wendy turned slightly and looked at the shaven person. He thought it was best to reveal his face whilst he tried to fix the situation slowly.

“Jack…” she whispered. “You turned to crime?” Wendy looked shocked as the tried to stay still because the net would have zapped her. Jack was Wendy’s old school sweetheart; however, she dumped him for another boy. Therefore, Jack got so upset and angry he dropped out of school. Consequently, the striped person turned to crime. Wendy thought to herself. I dumped Jack for somebody else I triggered this affect on him? Perhaps I should change him. I never really liked the other person.

“Ever since you broke my heart I wanted to cause havoc across Dopei Village,” Jack shouted angrily as he squeezed his fist. “Guess what, I nearly succeeded. However, you stand in my way.” He pointed at the fisherwoman and frowned viciously. Slowpoke dozed for a moment and then wagged its tail for a moment… Jack just noticed what he had said. Jack thought in his mind… Why should I take a grudge out on a village and not just Wendy? Jack then scratched his head and wanted to correct everything.

“Jack it was not like that,” Wendy pleaded. “I thought you cheated on me so I did it back!” Wendy caressed her hands together and shut her eyes. The water enthusiast felt bad and thought she could change Jack’s feelings and criminal ways. They both felt guilty but did not know who should sort the situation out for the better.

“What?” Jack questioned. “I thought you cheated on me first so I did it back.” He looked into the oceanic sky and then tossed the moneybag next to Wendy. Suddenly, he removed the capture net from around his long-lost love and helped her to her feet.

“Jack I admired you when you and I was younger because we both wanted to change Dopei Village,” Wendy explained. “I believe we can both do it.” She hugged Jack and squeezed tightly her arms around him. Slowpoke on the other hand coveted Wendy’s feet and then hopped backwards. The dopy creature wanted to battle Wendy.

“Hey, Slowpoke wants to battle you,” Jack said. “I feel like I need to rethink my life right now so I will return everything I have stolen.” Jack stood back from Wendy to let her battle Slowpoke.

“Okay Jack, I believe you,” Wendy said and smiled. “Go Krabby.” A ball landed onto the sandy floor and a crab creature appeared. Krabby’s top half of its body is an orange, hard shell, with two protrusions atop it. Its legs were a creamy colour and it had two large, crimson pincers. Suddenly, the crab monster clanked its powerful weapons together and glared at Slowpoke. Krabby always disobeyed Wendy’s commands and did whatever it pleaded.

“Krabby, use Water Pulse!” Wendy shouted. Krabby ignored her trainer and did its own thing. Krabby zigzagged towards Slowpoke and started shaking its crimson tools. They started to bubble up fiercely and swooped at the hippo. The pink Pokemon was trusted in the direction of the cliff. Rocks tumbled down due to the impact of the sleepy creature.

Slowpoke breathed inwards and waggled its tail. Suddenly an aura of foggy shadows materialised in a giant sphere around yellow mouth. Shadow Ball was levitated quickly at Krabby who was buffeted fiercely. The crimson crab breathed heavily and dug its strong claws into the sandy ground. Krabby then swept its brown foot at the dirty floor, which created a Mud Shot attack. Mud Shot was a long stream of dirt that shafted Slowpoke. It yawned heavily and breathed for a moment.

“I did not command that Krabby,” Wendy said with a lowered, disappointed tone. “Water Pulse now!” Wendy tried to remain calm and tried to control Krabby. Slowpoke released a circular pulse of cold water that gushed at the crimson crab. The water shivered down Krabby’s strong pincers and confused it. The crab creature zigzagged in a loop and smacked its head. It squeaked loudly in pain…

“Confusion from Water Pulse…” Jack worried. “I believe I am having a change of heart here.” Jack pressed his black gloved hand to his chin and closely imagined the future. Krabby struggled to move but quickly snapped out of confusion.

“Krabby, please do a Crabhammer attack,” Wendy pleaded. The crimson crab quick gushed out a pulse of H2O that plastered the psychic hippo. Slowpoke yawned angrily and then waggled its pink tail quickly. A purple aura mattered around its soft, squidgy body. Suddenly, the psychic attack was discharged at the crimson crab. Krabby was lifted into the air and crashed into the cliff. More rocks tumbled down slightly and the crab slid down slowly from the eroded cliff areas.

“Krabby get up and use Vice Grip,” Wendy shouted as she squeezed her fist. Krabby ignored her commands and used Stomp. It sprung into the air like a Spoink and then landed quickly on Slowpoke’s body. It squeaked loudly as it shook off the crimson crab’s body. The dopy creature then breathed in and streamed out a discharge of water. Bubbled water swiftly pelted the cerise crustacean and forced it backwards into the sand. Krabby wriggled around to get back onto its strong legs and scraped the floor.

“Krabby, I know you do not like me,” Wendy said. “I love you Krabby, and always will.” She strolled to Krabby and picked up her angry crab. Wendy tightly hugged Krabby and released it to the ground. The crustacean’s eyes cascaded a few tears and they both gained a bond with each other.

“Assault with Crabhammer!” Wendy shouted. Krabby nodded for a moment and then fiercely bubbled up its strong, pincer tools. The slushy pincers were then slammed at the dopy Pokemon’s head. Slowpoke groaned and yawned, which then made it confused. It spat out its rosy tongue on the floor and then sprawled to the ground injured…

“Catch it Wendy,” Jack said. “It is a symbol of our reunited love.” Wendy agreed and then stretched to her rucksack. She slipped out a Pokeball and tossed it through the cold air. Suddenly, a flash of red lights absorbed the poke and landed to the ground. It wobbled…

Mine!

- Kat

Introduction: Really interesting. This is the first story of yours that I’ve read about the communities within Rainbow Canyon. I have to admit, a village where everybody is lazy made me chuckle; reminds me of the Mexican stereotype. What I think I liked most about your introduction was the fact that you described your main character’s ambitions so well that I immediately took a liking to her.

Plot: So Dopei Village has a problem with its inhabitants being too lazy? I’ll give you points for originality. It’s certainly better (and more entertaining) than Pokémon terrorizing the village or having a gang. Despite that, the plot was less about the village and more about an encounter with a thief. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I was hoping that I would get to find out what pitfalls such a lazy village would face. Heck, we didn’t find out why a whole village succumbed into such a lazy state. Was it because they ate Slowpoketails? Was it because the Slowpoke would frequently attack them? Was it because all of the region’s Mexicans decided to form a village? /shot

Even though I think the village served more as comedy relief than an actual problem, explaining things more in depth never hurts, even if you’re only going for a Medium Pokémon.

Now, on to the actual plot of the story: the confrontation with the thief/Jack. Okay, most of it was a battle, and though I like battles just as much as the next grader, I felt a bit cheated. You see, the battle was just that, a battle. There was no character development, which would have done wonders for the story since after that, everything was wrapped up pretty quickly. For example, after she was beaten, Wendy was scared and crying out for help. Maybe as the battle began to reach its climax, and as it was becoming more and more obvious that she wasn’t going to win, her thoughts would slowly go from “I can do this,” to “I’m losing, badly. What am I going to do if he beats me?”

On the other end of the spectrum, you could have Jack slowly realizing that beating Wendy, finally, is not as satisfying as he thought it would be. Maybe then his sudden shift to righteousness isn’t as weird. (I’ll cover that in the next section.)

One last thing: revelations in the story happened way too fast. In one breath, you told us who Jack was and his relationship to Wendy. In another quick instant, you told us how Jack suddenly wants to renounce his evil ways and return everything he had stolen. You never eased us into these moments. You never gave us the time to let all of it sink in. All of this is big news, and you can’t just mention it in passing.

Characters: Both main characters started out strong, but then, they began to lose that spark and turn into something that didn’t quite make sense.

Wendy: The first impression I got of Wendy was that she was this strong trainer out to make a difference in her village. While she may not have been fearless and willing to suddenly go cliff-diving, I thought she was pretty strong. Wendy, then, shifts from this persona to someone who screams for help and admits she’s scared. Now, I think everybody has their limits, but the shift was so sudden and so out-of-character after she confronted the thief that it took me by surprise. She also turns to almost begging to her Krabby so it could listen to her while I would imagine such a strong trainer to be more authoritative; she even picks up the angry Krabby to hug it, risky (and foolish) since it could have potentially ripped her face off or crack her skull with a claw.

Jack: One of the first adjectives about Jack was that he had “evil” eyes. Now, evil is a strong word, like hate. It should only be used for those intense moments and characters. With that in mind, I imagined the thief as something more than just a petty thief, someone who could really hurt a person if he wanted to. When his past with Wendy was revealed and the misunderstanding was dealt with, he suddenly renounced his ways and wanted to be with her. Once again, the shift of character came around too fast.

Krabby: It had the same problem, too. A Pokémon disobeying their trainer is not anything new, and without even knowing why Krabby was so stubborn in the first place, it had a sudden change in heart and immediately became the obedient Pokémon Wendy had longed for.

Now, this is a short story; it’s only meant for a Slowpoke. Some things may have to be resolved faster than usual in order to tie up the important loose ends. Still, though, this was too fast. Really, I would suggest holding off on the change of hearts and saving that for a sequel/second part. Character development is tricky and can sometimes make or break a story.

Grammar/Spelling: As I said in your Solosis story, you would have mistakes here and there, more than just a handful sometimes. Really take the time to proofread your story and fix those mistakes. They may not be awfully big, but the number adds up and results in awkward reading. I also mentioned in my other grade about how the wording of sentences seems off at times.

Now, some things I didn’t mention before are these:

More rocks tumbled down slightly, and the crab slid down slowly from the eroded cliff areas.

Here, you need a comma because you are connecting two independent sentences into one. Along with a comma you need a connecting word like and, but, or, yet, and so on (which you wrote).

You tend to use ellipses (…) a lot, and after a while, they begin to lose their effect. Use them in moderation.

Dialogue: To say the least, towards the end of it, Jack sounded very unbelievable. Not only would you have a hard time finding people that actually talk in that manner, Jack at the beginning of the story, didn’t seem the type to suddenly revert to speaking in the words of a cliché hero/villain-turned-good.

“I feel like I need to rethink my life right now so I will return everything I have stolen.”

“It is a symbol of our reunited love.”

See what I mean? Jack has basically been simmering in his own anger for a long time. Not only has he turned to a life of crime, but I would bet his way of talking to others would morph into something harsh, as though every time he says something, it sounds like he’s angry. Habits and opinions of people can be very hard to break.

“Ouchy,” Wendy cried.

Ouchy? Ambitious and brave Wendy does not sound like the type to say “ouchy” when hurt. Even ouch sounds too casual for something as being shocked by electricity; ouch would be for things like bumping your knee on the table or something else along that line. Actually, most teenagers nowadays say some kind of curse, whether be it “Shit!” or something more, uhh, eloquent, if they’re already in a bad mood or situation.

“Krabby, use Water Pulse,” Wendy shouted.

You do this numerous times. You say the character shouted the dialogue, yet you put a comma instead of an exclamation mark. Basically, you contradict yourself, and it makes the dialogue that much less effective. Don’t be afraid of exclamation marks. While they shouldn’t be used in excess during narration, dialogue allows for more leeway. Anything can be shouted or say in a harsh manner, so exclamation marks are a common sight in any novel.

Length: Good to go. *brofist*

Descripton/Detail: On your Solosis grade, I mentioned that you have some favorite words you like to repeat. This time around, I found only one word:

- oceanic

You only used it three times, but since it’s such an expressive word, more so than “blue,” it stands out, and I easily remember if you used it before. There’s a lot words that can describe blue (blue, sapphire, cerulean, navy, etc.), so you don’t have to limit yourself to just one word.

This next problem is more grammar-related, but since its description-related, I’ll put it here. (Plus, I don’t want to repeat myself from my other grade.):

This Pokemon is a star-like creature, which has a tanned main body. Similarly, it has a crimson jewel that beams brightly when injured.

Sometimes when you start describing something, you switch to present tense. Not only is it incorrect because the rest of your story is in past tense, but now, more than ever, you give us the feeling that you have paused the scene to describe something. Other than dialogue, your story must stay in one tense.

Also, I had absolutely NO idea what a balaclava was. I kept thinking of "baklava." D:

Battle: There were two battles. I already explained how the first battle really didn’t contribute much to the story. As for the second battle, it was still more of Slowpoke wanting to battle Wendy, though for what reason, I don’t know. Before the battle, the conflicts of the stolen money and Jack’s bad attitude were resolved, so, once again, the battle didn’t add anything to the story other than action. It’s not a bad thing, but for a story that already had a battle, anything plot-related would have been great.

The sludge from the poop’s body made the star creature paralysed.

And here, boring Game Mechanics rears its ugly head. So Staryu is paralyzed, but in what way? Did the sludge gets into its joints, locking them in place? Did the sludge have a poison that seeped into it and made it too tired to move? Or was Staryu simply so disgusted and shocked that it didn’t move? This goes in part with the advice: elaborate on attacks.

Also, completely unrelated to what I just said above: “poop’s body”? Did something happen in auto-correct or is this some weird brand of British humor?

Outcome: It’s a close call, but at the end, I have to say: Slowpoke not captured! The only thing that bugs me enough to say no to you is Jack’s sudden change of heart. In one sentence, he goes from “evil” (in your words) to giving back his stolen goods. That, coupled with some of the things I mentioned, is making me lean to no capture. It’s nothing big, though. Just make it so Jack’s newfound goodness doesn’t come out of nowhere. Built up to it bit by bit. (Make any edits in bold, please.) PM/VM/stalk me on AIM any time for a re-grade! ^-^

- Kat

I think you managed to hit on almost everything I pointed out (me and my nitpicking ways...). Just make sure your edits are as proofread as the rest of the story. So be careful about random capitalization of nouns ("School") and spelling of small numbers ("10 years"). Slowpoke captured! :3

- Kat