Do Something. [Complete]

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Thread: Do Something. [Complete]

  1. #1
    Registered User Buzzer's Avatar
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    Default Do Something. [Complete]

    So this is for an Electrike;
    Medium = 10K - 20K
    Current ~ 11759

    PM/VM/AIM for comments please. Also a warning this contains quite strong images of violence and child abuse. This is a sensitive topic and if this will offend you please don't read it. You have been warned.


    Do Something



    The door slammed. The crash reverberated through the room. My eyes darted to the window as the gravel crunched under the weight of a car driving away. The faint sound of my mother sobbing tormented my mind. The wretched noise grew inside my head as memories interlaced with reality. The weeping taunted my emotions, taunted my body into action. Instead, I wrapped the quilt tight around my body. She is hurt; do something. I hadn’t moved in hours, trapped while a storm had raged throughout the house.

    The crying had ceased, the silence had fallen back upon my room. I looked to the door; a shadow crossed the glimmer of light that permeated beneath the door. Go; do something. My extremities refused to cooperate with my thoughts. Now; get up. Go!

    The light from the hall flooded my bedroom as the door had crept open. My entire body stiffened. He can’t be back yet; he just can’t. I would have heard him. My head was hidden deep within the warmth of the duvet. Not again; please. My body and mind seemed disjoint as one screamed in terror and the other locked itself still. I heard more footsteps heading towards the bed. Please! My heart jumped as I felt something jump onto the bed. A jolt of static ran through my body, the small electric shock pushing the fear from my mind.

    The pup ran to the top of the bed and nuzzled its way into the covers. It licked my nose, which from an Electrike meant a curious sensation of its wet tongue and a shot of electricity that spread through my face. Estel, my pup, lay beside me. I huddled as close to her as possible. Her gentle heart beat and warm body nullifying my fear, my eyes closed as a jolt of happiness ran through me.

    I must have fallen asleep because I didn’t hear the car returning up the drive. I didn’t hear the front door open and close behind him. All I heard was the crash as my body was thrown from its warm cocoon, the sudden drop to the cold, hard floor awakening all my horrors and my nightmares no longer contained in the hidden depths of my sleep. I saw a bolt of green run and hide under the bed. I looked up only to see the grizzled face of my father staring down at me. Run, I told myself, but before my legs could act, my body was lifted from the ground. I picked up the grotesque stench of alcohol coming from his breath as he shouted vile words at me. I gasped for air as his hand tightened around my neck.

    Fight back; a violent burst of pain across the right side of my face. I could no longer distinguish where the pain was coming from as my body was thrust against the wall and then dropped. I lay crumpled beside my bed. I felt the hot tears trickle down my face fusing with the blood that was seeping from my lips.

    The air rushed from my lungs as his heavy boot struck my stomach. My body doubled up in agony as I tried to catch my breath. Only now did my mouth let out the scream of agony that my body had been crying out for. Please; no more! As my left eye opened and focused upon the quivering body of my Estel, she took a step forward. I shook my head quickly to prevent her from running out. I glimpsed back at my father, who was now leaving the room, panting.

    Suddenly, I felt Estel’s tongue licking the lower part of my face; she was wiping away the bloody tears. I held her close to me, the only thing I could hold onto, the only thing I’ve ever held onto. I struggled to my feet and looked around me. A bright street light shone through my window, its harsh amber beam reflected throughout the room by the mirror hanging by my bed. My brown eyes looked back at me from the shattered panes, its cracks lined with dried blood. My short auburn hair was spattered a darker shade of red now, and my pale lips were looking darker and slightly swollen.

    I winced as I lifted up my pyjama t-shirt. My stomach bore his latest crimson signature. My body; the map of his deepest betrayal. More tears trickled down my face as Estel pushed her nose against my leg. I pulled the blood speckled t-shirt back over my body. Then, glancing over at the clock on the desk saw that its luminescent digits flashed two in the morning. I crawled back into my bed.

    ----------------------



    The glare of the midday sun shone through the classroom window. Glancing down, I look at the red lunch box sitting on the table in front of me. The packed lunch I had prepared lay half eaten; Mother couldn’t manage to get out of bed again.

    My teacher returned to the classroom. Without looking up, she sat herself at her desk and began to flick through a book. It was then that I accidentally knocked my drink over. As the overly strong juice spilled onto the desk, she looked up. She was a medium height woman, with long, flowing blonde hair. She was wearing a black suit, with a pale blue shirt.

    “Why are you aren’t you having your lunch in the hall?” She walked over with a towel and began to wipe up the spilled juice. I didn’t answer. I simply looked away, but I wasn’t quick enough. She gently lifted my face to the light. She recoiled as the swollen lip became visible. “What happened?”

    Tell her; tell someone. “Oh, it was nothing. My Electrike just jumped too high and hit my lip.” Her green eyes stared into mine. My mind was begging me to scream out, but words failed me. I prayed that she wouldn’t believe me.

    “Well, okay then. Go on, out into the hall,” she responded, a puzzled look across her face. She inquired no further, but I could feel her eyes staring into the back of my head as she escorted me from the classroom.

    I trudged out into the noisy dinner hall, large groups of children all scattered across wooden tables. The noise was unbearable. I sat down on an empty table at the back of the hall. I stared blankly into the chaos of lunchtime, wishing I could be away from all the noise. Echoes of my father’s shouting tore across my mind.

    Soon the dinner hall began to empty as the other kids all went out into the playground; I didn’t want to go outside. Some of the other boys laughed at me as they walked by my empty table. My mind had become numb to their teasing. They didn’t understand. I didn’t understand.

    The rest of the afternoon sped by and soon it was the last lesson of the day. The noise levels in the classroom were very high as the other kids all discussed what they would be doing when they got home. They seemed so happy to be going home; I wished I could stay in my seat. As the teacher asked me what I would be doing tonight, I could only muster a feigned response about playing with my Electrike.

    As the bell rang out, the other kids all rushed into a panic trying to get to the door, stationary falling out of their bags. “Children, calm down! There is no need to rush,” the teacher said. She rolled her eyes, smiling as she watched her class file out. She scanned the classroom when her eyes fell upon me once more. I was still slowly packing my bag. “Come on now, don’t you want to get home?” The sincerity in her voice told me she had believed me earlier.

    “Yes, miss,” I mumbled.

    “Go on then, I bet your parents are probably waiting to pick you up.” She smiled happily, unaware of the torment that lay in waiting once I get home. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

    My mother wasn’t there to pick me up; she never came to pick me up anymore. I walked down the road leading from the school towards my house. The orange sun shone across the sky as it began to set. The harsh light burned my eyes as I gazed over at the nearby park, seeing my class mates laughing and having fun with their parents. I sped up as I passed the park.

    ----------------------



    I entered my house and shuddered as I accidentally slammed the door closed. My mother sat on the sofa, and our eyes met when she glanced up at me before turning away. I noticed the purple stain across her right eye, and I spotted the scarlet splatters around the base of her nose. I trudged my way up to my bedroom.

    As I pushed open the wooden door, a small barking rose my spirits immediately. The small green pup leapt at me from the bed. I gave a weak smile as I caught her in my arms. Her green and yellow spiked mane sparkled with electricity. I sat in my room playing with Estel for hours. While all thoughts of the night before were gone from my mind, a rare feeling of joy filled my body.

    I was siting at my desk when my father’s car drove onto the gravel beneath my window. The sun was now setting and the street lamp outside my bedroom was flickering into existence. The dark shadow of my father walked out of view as he entered the house.

    I remembered when he used to return home and we would play together. A flood of memories crashed over my brain; my mind was awash with confusion as conflicting thoughts rose up. I couldn’t understand why the man I adored so much turned to the worst monster of my darkest nightmares. I waited for the eruption from downstairs. Silence.

    Suddenly there is a steady thumping, gradually speeding up, matching the rhythm of my heart. I hear a scream and another set of footsteps racing upstairs. I flinched as there was a bang upon my door.

    “NO! You will not hurt him!” My mother’s voice rang out through the house. “Please.” There was a crash and a whimper of pain. The wooden door to my room was forced open. As the face of my father appeared in the door frame, I froze to my seat. He spun the chair round to face him. His putrid breath filled my nostrils. Estel leapt from the bed and landed on his back. He spun wildly, flinging her from his body. My heart dropped as her small figure was thrown to the wall.

    His dark brown eyes flared with hatred as he picked me out of my seat. Fight back, my mind begged, but I could do nothing as memories flooded head once more. The fun loving father filled my mind whilst the monster was all I could see.

    My back was smashed into the wall as my father’s rage overpowered me. His fist buried itself in my stomach; I doubled up in agony, as once again, the air was forced from my body. Desperate for breath, I fell to the floor at his feet. I winced as the tan leather of his boots was thrust into my heaving chest. Blood spluttered out of my mouth onto the gray carpet. Unbearable pain cursed through my body.

    My head span as I felt my body rise from the floor. His large hands tightened around my throat. “Dad,” I gasped. Searing pain shot across my face. A mist descended over my eyes, obscuring my vision. I hit the floor. In a great heaving, as his boots drove their way deep into my stomach, the deep red blood spurted from my mouth. A bright light shone from the corner of the room. There was a blur of a blue canine body and electric sparks flew at my father.

    I faded into black.

    ----------------------


    The street was bustling with activity. Masses of television crews crowded the streets as the coroners wheeled out two covered gurneys. Emergency vehicle sirens blared out into the night. A small, brown haired woman was being wheeled into a nearby ambulance. Blood trickled down her bruised face as the ambulance doors closed.

    Wails of inconsolable grief echoed under the hail of noise. The paramedic sat by the crying woman, dabbing the wounded skin. Tears streamed down her pale face as she watched the Morgue van drive in the opposite direction, taking with it her entire life. Her strained family was now shattered into the blood stained panes of mirror that littered her son’s bedroom floor.

    A collection of flowers had begun to form at the gate that led to the family house. Police stood guard while full body suited crime scene investigators marched into the building. A blue wolf like creature, with jagged, yellow tufts of fur, stood below the flickering street lamp that shone into the child’s window. She rose her bright yellow mane to the light, letting out a bone chilling howl as the street lamp faltered and failed plunging the dog into darkness.


    ----------------------



    Last edited by Buzzer; 17th April 2011 at 06:33 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do Something. [Complete]

    Claimed, LIKE A BAWS.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Do Something. [Complete]

    Intro/Plot/Characters: Before I say anything else, I'd like to tell you that this story completely blew me away. Anyways, let's start with your intro.

    Bam. Right from the start, we're thrown into the drama of this unknown child's life. At the beginning of the story, there is nothing for him but fear and pain, and you translate this to the reader perfectly. Almost every word seemed to fall in exactly the right place. I've heard writing described as a sort of archaeological dig; stories are already there before you write them, floating around in your head, and the best writers are those who can get the story out with as little damage to it as possible. You seem to have done just this. Your prose is fantastic in this, and though there were a few places where it falls short of perfect, those places are the exceptions to the rule. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Your intro definitely pulls in the interest of the reader and sets the mood for this story. We know things aren't going to be all peachy and happy in this; the reader can tell a storm is coming.

    The plot is pretty heart breaking and unfortunately, a reality for many people. The unnamed kid is terrified when his father comes home. His Electrike comforts him until he falls asleep and later that night, his father comes into his room and starts to violently attack him. After his father leaves, he examines his wounds and his Electrike helps him back to sleep. The next day, his teacher asks him what's wrong, but believes his feeble lie. That night, his father comes home and starts to beat him again. This time, it proves too much and kills the boy. As this happens, his Electrike evolves into a Manectric which kills his father a moment too late. In the end, his mother is left crying as the bodies of her husband and son are taken away.

    Wow. As I mentioned before, the emotional impact is incredible. I think this story relies more on characters than on plot, so I'll look at that.

    First, we have the main character, the boy. He's torn between fear for his life and still loving his father. It's mentioned that the father used to be more fun-loving and play with the boy, but there's never an explanation for why the father changed so much. I understand that it can be an artistic device to leave some questions intentionally unanswered, but it would've been nice to have a flashback at least. Also, I would've liked to know more about the mother. What was her story? She obviously doesn't want to leave the relationship for the sake of her son, but how is she handling this? It's a first person POV, but that doesn't mean the kid couldn't think something like 'I remembered the first time he laid a hand on her, etc, etc.' Still, they have a few interactions, and you can see she's overcome with guilt and sorrow.

    The only real problem I found with your story, was that there was too much blood, at least the first time he was beat up. The second time killed him, so that one was supposed to be especially brutal, but the first time he sustained injuries that should have killed them if there was that much blood. I mean, he's not being scratched or cut; he's taking injuries from a blunt force, meaning in order to bleed, that shit's leaking out of various orifices, which would signify some sort of internal damage (unless he just got his nose broken or something like that, but it's never really said where the blood is coming from, other than that he has a split lip, which is admittedly probably a large part of it). Also, if he had injuries that severe, I'd like to think the teacher wouldn't have believed it was just his Electrike getting too rough.

    But yeah. That was really the only thing. Everything else was amazing. You have some amazing lines, this being my favorite:

    I winced as I lifted up my pyjama t-shirt. My stomach bore his latest crimson signature. My body; the map of his deepest betrayal.
    Detail: You do detail really well too. I would've liked some more imagery, but that's me nitpicking. For the most part, you remember to tell what the human characters look like, as well as the Electrike. I'd also kind of like to know what the kid is dressed in. That seems superficial, but it would also have been nice to know what the kid was wearing. I feel like we could've gotten a better view of his situation. Like if the father had lost his job, the kid would probably be wearing old, beat up clothes. Or maybe he was wearing nice clothes in an attempt by the mom to try to make up for how broken their family was. I dunno, something like that. Anyways, yeah. You've done good, kid.

    Grammar: Wow. Your story was almost completely devoid of any grammar problems. The only two things I could find were:

    A blue wolf like creature
    'Wolf like' should be changed to one word, connected by a hyphen, as in 'wolf-like'.

    My heart jumped as I felt something jump onto the bed.
    You used 'jump' and 'jumped' right next to each other. It probably would have been better to use a synonym for one of those.

    Anyways, yeah, other than those, no problems. Epic win.

    Length: You needed 10k and you have 11.7k, so you're fine.

    Other: I'd just like to mention again, you did really well with this. The emotions of the kid were incredibly heart rendering and at one point I actually pulled up some videos of cute baby animals. Riiiight. So you'll be wanting your Pokemon now.

    Outcome: Electrike....captured.

    Buuuueno.

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Do Something. [Complete]

    Quote Originally Posted by Alaskapigeon View Post
    Claimed, LIKE A BAWS arizona seo companies.
    What is BAWS? I'm just curious about it. haha :D
    Last edited by roanokejim; 3rd May 2011 at 06:19 PM.

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