Digging

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  1. #1
    Sometimes Quiet Joltik's Avatar
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    Default Digging

    I looked out the window of our small house. Currently the window is being pattered with rain drops. I sighed, and tapped my foot.


    “Mom, I’m bored.”


    “I can’t make the rain stop, honey.” she said. “Your dad will be here soon.”


    This improves my mood slightly, but doesn’t stop my boredom. My name is Timmy Talon. I have blue eyes, and blond hair. I have white skin and a slight tan. Today I’m wearing a green T-shirt and brown plants. We live on the outskirts of Rustboro City. It’s a big city with large corporations, and skyscrapers. We live in a small house, with three bedrooms, and one bathroom. I’m an only child, so I have no one to play with. Well, I have Taillow, but I can’t play with her inside. Mom says she makes a big mess when we play. I may have something to do with the time we broke mom’s plates. My mom has brown hair, blue eyes. She likes to wear aprons and dresses all the time. Currently she’s doing the dishes.


    I go over to the couch and sit down on it. I lean back against the couch. Taillow comes over and lands on my head. She has blue feathers on her back, and on the back of her wings. Her belly is white, as are the underside of the wings, while her face and upper chest are red. She has one yellow beak, with two gray eyes right above it. Her tail is two sharp feathers which are also blue. She had black claws, with yellow nails.


    She hops off of my head and on to my lap. She looks at me and makes cooing sound. I reach my hand down and pet her. It’s better then doing nothing I could charge a battery with how much I pet her. Suddenly, I hear the door opening and I jump off the couch and run to the door. I see my dad walking in. I run to him, and try to jump on him. My dad has blond hair, and green eyes. He’s wearing a brown overcoat, with black pants, and a white shirt.

    “Hey kid,” he said as he picked me up and ruffled my hair. “Were you good today?”


    “I was!” I said as he started taking his coat off.


    “Honey,” mom said. “You may not want to take that coat off.”


    “Why’s that?” my dad asks


    “We need some herbs,” she says “Would you mind going to Miss Rosalie to get them?


    “Sure,” he says “I’ll just go now.”


    “Can I go?” I ask, “Please! Please! I’ll be good! I’ll take Tallow with me too!”


    “If your dad says it’s ok,” mom said. “And if you take an umbrella.”


    “I’m good for it,” dad says “Get an umbrella and we can go.”


    I graved a blue umbrella and ran outside. I opened the umbrella once I got outside.


    “Come on dad!” I said “let’s go!” as I started walking down the street. Miss Rosalie lives a little out of the city, and has a huge herb garden. After I walk for a few seconds I feel a light weight on my head. I feel it vibrate, and I flinch as water droplets fall onto me. It was Taillow. She must have gotten wet while flying onto my head. I decide not to shake her off; it would just tick her off.


    “Wait up kid!” dad said. “Wear only halfway there!”


    This was true. I had a habit of running ahead of people, and we were only halfway there. We had just left the suburbs of Rustboro and were walking down a gravel road. We had entered the forest. It was a lush forest, with many trees, flowers and pokemon. Not any Pokemon came out to look at us. They do that sometimes. The rain stopped, and dad took of his coat, and laid it on his arm.


    “I’ll take your umbrella,” he said as he pointed at the umbrella. I handed it to him and he placed the umbrella on this arm, hanging it by the handle. We walked on, and in a few minutes we where at Miss Rosalie’s house. Taillow had jumped of my head, and was flying around in the air. We walked up to the house, to find Miss Rosalie out by her door. Miss Rosalie was in her late thirties. She has black hair, and brown eyes. She’s wearing blue jeans and a red plaid shirt. I hear that she has workers help her in the gardens, but they would have all gone home by now.


    “Hi boys,” Miss Rosalie said “What can I get you today?”


    “I have a list,” dad said “Let’s go inside and talk about it. Is it ok if Timmy looks around your gardens?”


    I cross my fingers. I’ve been allowed to see her gardens before, and had caused no damage.


    “As long as he’s careful,” Miss Rosalie said. “Some of my plants have been attacked by something. If you find it, I’ll be grateful.”


    I nodded I would have Taillow with me. So I figured I would be safe. I went off to see the gardens, and dad and Miss Rosalie when inside. The gardens were huge. She has three different sections, one that was more of an orchard, with large trees that had fresh fruit and lots of berry bushes. Then there was the herb garden, filled with countless herds. Basil, oregano, and parsley were among the ones I knew, but there were many more. Finally there was the flower garden. It was filled to the brim with flowers of many colors. Reds, blues, and yellows moved in a wave of color as the wind blew. It took my breath away. Heck, it could take anyone’s breath away. All three of the sections had gravel paths running thru them, allowing for workers to move around with out haring the plants. Wait a minuet. I squinted; I saw a brown spot at the corner of the garden, next to a path. I ran towards the growing brown spot.


    Once I got there I saw this bug digging at the plants. It had an awkward shaped head, with green eyes and two feelers near its mouth. Its entire body was white, baring the front legs which were brown, its eyes and wings which were green. The wings were small and didn’t seem to help the thing fly. It had two back legs, which, like the wings and front legs were attached to its torso. It was a Nincada. So this was the Pokemon that had been digging up the gardens. I had to stop it. Taillow had been circling me, and landed on my head, look at the strange Pokemon. It would best if I used Taillow to attack the Pokemon right? I didn’t want to fight it myself, its claws looked sharp.


    “Ok,” I say “Taillow, use peck on that Pokemon!”

    Taillow jumps off my head, and flaps her wings to get a few feet above my head. Then she dived down, her beak glowed and became as share as it could. She hit the bug, knocking it into the flowers. The bug, startled by the sudden attack started digging a deep hole. It was trying to get away.


    “Oh no, you don’t!” I said “After it, Taillow! Use wing attack and quick attack at once!”


    Taillow flew around the hole, a few times to build up speed. Then she dived into the hole, both of her wings glowing. In a few seconds I heard a hissing sound. Taillow flew out, covered in small scratches. The bug knew fury swipes, that’s were the scratches came from. The Nincada climbed out of the hole, and looked around it was sporting many bruises and scratches. I closed its eyes and focused


    “Let’s finish this!” I yell “Use air slash!”


    Taillow flapped its wings multiple times, creating many sharp blades of air, they all few at the ground bug. At the last second, the Pokemon jumped out of the way of the attack. The blades harmlessly hit the ground. It must have used mind reader.


    “Now!” I hollered “Hit it with a quick attack powered peck!”


    Taillow few up, and then came back down towards the white bug. Its beak glowed again, and it became shaper. The Nincada jumped out of the way, but Taillow would not be fooled twice. She turned up and went under the Nincada. The attack connected, and the Nincada went flying. It came down behind me. I ran over to it, and picked it up. The thing has lost conciseness. I carried it back to the house and walked in.


    “You did good Taillow,” I said “Miss Rosalie, I found the Pokemon that has been digging up your gardens.”


    “Oh,” she said “So it was a Nincada? I should have guessed. I see you knocked it out.”


    “Well, It was attacking your flowers” I said “I had to stop that. What will happen to it?”


    “I’m going to give it to nurse Joy can see if she can fine a home for It,” she said “Why do you ask?”


    “Because I wanna keep it,” I said “It seemed like a good Pokemon”


    “Is that so,” My dad said “I’ll say yes to that.”


    “Really?” I said “You sure?”


    “Of course!” He said “You did knock it out, and I’m sure mom will say yes too, as long as you don’t break any of her fine china.”

    Last edited by Joltik; 3rd July 2012 at 02:09 PM.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Digging

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  3. #3
    Creator of Nathan Castle BlazeMaster's Avatar
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    Default Re: Digging

    @Joltik;

    Introduction

    Your introduction did what it was supposed to do. It showed us the main characters, their descriptions and their personalities. It didn't need to have action, as it wasn't an action-story and you didn't need it. The one problem that I had with your introduction was the dialogue. Often saying to his Mum that he's bored, no matter how well this dialogue highlights the characters, is unnecessary and can just be added to the description. You had a lot of description which is good to put into the Introduction. You even had a small plot in your Introduction, with Timmy waiting, passing the seemingly unending time for his Father to arrive. I liked your Introduction, especially for such a small story as this one.

    Plot

    For a story this small, your plot was pretty good. You had a good Introduction, which described the bored Timmy and Taillow. You continued with the main plotline and then the battle at the end, which is often more than we can ask for. Again, it didn't have much action, because it wasn't supposed to. There were a couple of things that I might improve, however. I would have liked to have seen more interaction between Timmy and his Father. Kids, especially toddlers like Timmy, idolise their parents, and this didn't seem to come through in your story. They spend a lot of time talking to their parents, and you could have added some dialogue about this between Timmy and his Father. Remember how many seemingly pointless questions they ask, and how much they irritate their parents but they have to hold the anger in.

    Another thing that you could have added would have been a failed attempt at capturing Nincada. Timmy's just a toddler, and the chances of him capturing something in one go are pretty slim. It would have also given Timmy more character, as he would have probably gone off in a tantrum to his Father. It would also give the Nincada some more personality if he escaped once.

    Description

    You had a lot of description, which filled out the characters which is important for short stories. My biggest problem with it was that there was too much in large chunks without any action. This often bores readers and it's best to intersperse description with action. I usually limit description to one line per action. So, where you put:

    My name is Timmy Talon. I have blue eyes, and blond hair. I have white skin and a slight tan. Today I’m wearing a green T-shirt and brown plants. We live on the outskirts of Rustboro City. It’s a big city with large corporations, and skyscrapers. We live in a small house, with three bedrooms, and one bathroom. I’m an only child, so I have no one to play with. Well, I have Taillow, but I can’t play with her inside. Mom says she makes a big mess when we play. I may have something to do with the time we broke mom’s plates. My mom has brown hair, blue eyes. She likes to wear aprons and dresses all the time. Currently she’s doing the dishes.
    I would put some action in here to spice it up a bit, like this:

    I looked in the mirror, gazing with my deep blue eyes at my tanned face.

    "Timmy Talon! Get down here this instant!" I heard my Mum shouting from downstairs. I ran into my bedroom, grabbing a green shirt to contrast with my brown shorts, and rushed down the stairs of my small Rustboro flat. My Mum is in the kitchen doing the dishes. Under the scrutiny of her kind blue eyes I unload the dishwasher. After I finish, she ruffles my blond hair and I jump onto the sofa.
    See how I put in all of the detail but space it out by adding in actions. Also, you don't need to describe the less important characters as much as you do the main characters like Timmy and his Dad. For instance, with Miss Rosalie, you put in description about what she was wearing and what she looked like. With characters like her, who you only see once or twice, you only need to say their age usually. But your description was very good, especially that of the Pokémon, which people often forget about in their Stories.

    Grammar

    Your Grammar wasn't so good, and I found quite a few mistakes. The biggest one that you made was tense confusion. In your story always stick to the same tense at all costs. For instance, here you put:

    "I can't make the rain stop, honey." she said
    But here you put:

    This improves my mood slightly.
    This inconsistency straightened itself out towards the end of the story, but you need to sort that out before you can move on.

    Later on you put:

    "[Wear] only halfway there!"
    That wear means to wear clothes. You should have put "we're"

    Here, you said:

    Wait a [minuet].
    You meant minute.

    One thing that I noticed throughout your story was that you didn't put Pokémon-related terms, like moves and items, in capitals. It stands out more to the reader if they see "Air Slash" rather than "air slash"

    Finally, here you put:

    "Taillow, you did [good],"
    Good is an adjective, and is used to describe people. Here, you should have said "well" which is an adverb, used to describe how someone did something. This is why old people get annoyed when you say: "I'm good thanks," which means that you are a good person.

    Dialogue

    Your Dialogue was a bit unnecessary quite a lot of the time. You don't need speech unless it is necessary for the plot. For instance, once you said.

    "Were you good today?"

    "I was!"
    I would view this as pointless. All you need to say is:

    My father picked me up, greeting me as he ruffled my hair.
    Also, there were a few grammatical errors. Near the beginning, you said:

    "I can't make the rain stop, honey[.]" she said.
    If you have a "she said" or "they responded" at the end of your sentence then it needs to have a comma at the end. If there isn't one then you put a full stop. So your sentence should have gone like this:

    "I can't make the rain stop,honey," she said.
    The Battle

    Your Battle was pretty good, it wasn't just two moves long, you didn't make Taillow troll the Nincada, and you had some good descriptions. What I would do more of would be Nincada attacking. It's alright to have a few attacks following consecutively, but Taillow dominated the match a bit too much. But the descriptions were excellent and you really showed off your writing ability.

    Length

    At 8K the story is long enough for Nincada. Well done.

    My Verdict

    Nincada Captured! This was a close decision because of the numerous typos and the huge blocks of description, but the writing was good and the plot was more than sufficient. Well done, enjoy your Nincada, and I hope to see more of your writing here. Just remember to put descriptions with actions.
    http://bmgf.bulbagarden.net/f425/hunger-games-pok%C3%A9mon-136008/

    Hunger Games RPG

    21 Places Left.

    Officials needed

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