Dewford Follies: A Capture in 3 Acts. Act 1

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Thread: Dewford Follies: A Capture in 3 Acts. Act 1

  1. #1
    Sneaky Ryoku's Avatar
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    Default Dewford Follies: A Capture in 3 Acts. Act 1

    Act 1: Homecoming


    Although the salt spray stung his eyes, Ryoku Satou kept them open at a squint. He was nearing his destination, and he wanted to memorize every aspect of Hideki’s hometown.


    Ryoku had never been to Dewford Town before; he knew it only as the location of Granite Cave. Hideki, Ryoku’s Zubat, had been born there, and enjoyed a peaceful life before being kidnapped by Team Rocket to be some Grunt’s Pokémon. Once Team Rocket was disbanded, Hideki was left to roam the Kanto Region, far from his home. Things didn’t begin to look up for him until he was taken in by the Satou family. Mrs. Satou was Head Nurse at the Fuchsia City Pokémon Center, and so Ryoku was there often, playing with the injured Pokémon. This is when Ryoku and Hideki met.


    One day, a huge commotion outside the Pokémon Center drew Hideki to a window. A Fighting trainer had been challenging the Fuchsia Gym, when their confused Hitmontop used Rapid Spin, and rapidly spun right into the street! Normally, Hideki would’ve stayed put, but when he noticed Ryoku in the Hitmontop’s path, he flew to action!


    Quick as a flash, Hideki knocked Ryoku out of the way, only to now be in harm’s way himself! Thinking back to his days in Trainer School, Ryoku struggled to remember what type of attack was good against Fighting types.


    “Hideki! Use Air Cutter!” Just before being hit by the Hitmontop’s deadly legs, Hideki let fly a blade of air, perfectly adjusted to not only knock out the Hitmontop, but also to reverse and halt its whirling dervish of destruction. With the crisis averted, Ryoku and Hideki shared a knowing glance. From that day on, they have been inseparable.


    Now an adult, Ryoku works with Hideki as a courier for the Silph Company. Their current job: To contact Steven Stone in Granite Cave, and collect from him a rare stone with uses in Poke Ball making. After ten long years, Hideki was finally returning home.


    “Zu! Zu Zu Zu Zuuuuuuubat!”


    “Yeah, Hideki, I know you’re anxious to see all your friends and family again, but I need something to eat, and Mom said her brother would be sure to give us food as long as we helped him with his work.”


    “Zuu?”


    “Apparently he’s some kind of ‘Guru’ or something. I don’t know. I was kind of paying too much attention to the T.V. while she was talking about it. Don’t worry, though, I’m sure it won’t be too hard.”


    An hour later:


    “You want me to WHAT?”


    “I want you to help me fish, boy, what are ye, deaf!?!” Ryoku’s Uncle, the Fishing Guru, was more than happy to feed the boys… but only if they could catch their dinner. And so, armed with his Uncle’s spare Old Rod, Ryoku headed to the beach.


    Several Hours and no fish later, the Fishing Guru came down to see how Ryoku was doing.


    “Ye haven’t caught a single one? Not even a nibble? Well, sure ye haven’t, here’s your problem: Ye didn’t bait the hook! Here, watch me.”


    Oh, look, a bite! … … …… A Pokémon is on the hook!


    No sooner had the Guru laid hook to water, then the biggest (and only) Magikarp Ryoku had ever seen splashed out of the water!


    “Quick, lad, attack it!” shouted the Guru. “If ye whittle it down enough, I’ll loan ye one o’ my Poke Balls so ye can try and catch it!”


    “Alright!” growled Ryoku, “This is more like it! Go, Hideki! Hit that Magikarp with your Poison Fang!”


    “ZuuuuuuuuuuuuBAT!”


    The Wild Magikarp has fainted.


    “What? How did it faint, I only hit it once!?”


    “And once was enough, with a move like that, ye big numbskull!” The Guru was foaming at the mouth, enraged at the newbieness exhibited by his nephew. “The Magikarp around here are even weaker than the normal variety! With Hideki’s strength, anything stronger than an Astonish will probably kill one of these things. Here, I caught another one, so try not to screw it up this time.”


    “Yeah, ok. Hideki, use Astonish! And be gentle, will ya?”


    “Zuuuuuuuuuuuu… bat.”


    “That’s more like it, lad! Here, now throw this Poke Ball at it!”


    “Alright,’ said Ryoku. “Here goes nothing! Go, Poke Ball!”


    The seconds dragged on for what seemed like years as the Poke Ball blinked red. Would Ryoku be successful in his first Pokémon capture? Would he and Hideki EVER get to eat? Would all the little kids stop making fun of him for being 18 years old and never having thrown a Poke Ball? Find out next time, in Act 2: Needless Aggression!

    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    Pokemon trying to Capture: Magikarp
    Word Count: About 4.3 K

    Thanks for reading!

  2. #2
    Head of the URPG HKim's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dewford Follies: A Capture in 3 Acts. Act 1

    Okay then, let's get to it.


    Introduction

    Very good for a story as simple as this. Describing Hideki's life before becoming Ryoku's partner was a good idea. I haven't seen many people write stories where they consider where the Pokemon lived before they were captured. And explaining how Hideki and Ryoku came together is brilliant, especially considering it's not your standard professor giving a person a Pokemon.

    I'm not sure if the fight with the Hitmontop was necessarily needed in the story. It just seems a little out of place, despite being a moment of bonding between the Pokemon and trainer. Just my thoughts. It's a good story of developing trust.


    Length

    For a Magikarp, you need 3k to 5k in terms of characters. Your story is about 4,349 characters, including spaces. That's good. You're in the range and lean towards the heavier side.


    Grammar

    I actually didn't notice too many problems, though perhaps I'm just getting old. Either way, that's a good sign for you. A Pokemon capture of this level doesn't necessarily require a lot of attention to grammar. So when skilled members, like yourself, work hard to concoct decent English, us graders appreciate it.

    Just a few notes.

    "newbieness" is not a word.

    Also, maybe you might want to reduce your spaces between your paragraphs. It just seems a little too spaced out.


    Plot

    Very simple and I think it works well. In fact, if you plan on continuing this story, I wouldn't mind reading a few more chapters. Being a messenger is no easy task, and I imagine there are quite a few challenges along the way.

    In this case, the challenge is finding food. Unfortunately (or fortunately), Ryoku finds a Magikarp instead. Under the guidance of his uncle, he tries to capture it.

    It's a good start and there is valid reason for every action taken in the story. It's not particularly complex and sets up the adventure for Ryoku.


    Description and Details

    You have some details here, but I would like a bit more. In particular, I would like a few more descriptions about the characters. What does Ryoku look like? Why does he wear what he does? How does he stand? What is his hair color? Eye color? What about Hideki, what does the zubat look like? Do any features particularly stand out?

    The same can be said for locations. Good descriptions mean that you can better describe what's happening to your reader.

    I liked this part though:

    Although the salt spray stung his eyes, Ryoku Satou kept them open at a squint. He was nearing his destination, and he wanted to memorize every aspect of Hideki’s hometown.

    Excellent use of detail here. I can just see the sea spray misting up around him. If you add a few more details of how the waves crash against the shore, shooting up the mist in the first place, that would be an excellent description. Your details here help me see where you are and a little bit into the personality of Ryoku Satou.

    And I appreciate that.


    Battle

    Very short. Extremely short. In fact, the battle with Hitmontop was longer.

    It's true that Magikarp is a weak Pokemon, but that doesn't necessarily mean a short battle. A Magikarp is a slippery Pokemon and will try to flop all over the place to escape. Describe how Ryoku pulls up the fishing rod, dragging Magikarp from the watery depths. How Hideki uses Astonish and how it works. Details are good, as I said before.


    Overall

    Very good for a "Easiest" story. Even though your battle was short, everything else more than made up for it. You definitely earned this.

    Magikarp Captured!

    Good luck and I look forward to seeing more stories from you.
    Last edited by HKim; 23rd April 2010 at 01:48 AM.

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