Determination (Ready for Grading)

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  1. #1
    Registered User dannycon's Avatar
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    Default Determination (Ready for Grading)

    The first story I've wrote for this site, please enjoy and if you don't please let me know what was off putting.
    (This is more than likely going to be a mini series which would be continued soon after grading)

    Target Pokémon: Magikarp (Easiest)
    Minimum Characters: 3000
    Actual Characters: 3220


    This was it, the first day of my journey and my excitement was overwhelming. I had already received my starter pokémon, Piplup, the day before and today I felt I was ready to go. Some people thought it strange that I had not left the day I received Piplup, but not me, I felt that those extra few hours that we had together at home helped us bond all the more, which I feel was necessary for us. “Pokémon are not just tools to be used and discarded,” my mother told me, “they are friends and should be treated as such.” I agreed with her completely and as I got up I let Piplup out of its Pokéball, I told him, “You shouldn’t have to be stuck in there like that so you can walk around here with me.”


    My sister came into my room and almost dived on Piplup, much to his terror. She grabbed his cheeks, exclaiming, “You are the cutest pokémon I have ever seen! I can’t wait until I can have one!”


    “You still have a few years to go before that happens.” But she was still holding onto Piplup cheeks and he was growing tired of it, he let out a few bubbles from his mouth which forced her away. “Awesome!” I shouted, “You’ve already learnt Bubble, it could use some work but never mind that, that’s amazing!” And with that we all went downstairs.


    I shouted to my mother, “No need for breakfast, I have some food for me and Piplup in my bag.” She came out from the kitchen, worried, she asked, “Do you need to leave today? Maybe one more day at home could make Piplup strong before you leave.” “No need,” I replied, “he’s already strong he just learned Bubble!” I headed for the door, holding back my tears because I already missed home and I hadn’t even left yet.


    As I said goodbye to my mother, she said, “This isn’t much but you might find it useful.” And with that she handed me an Old Rod, which to most people might not be much use but to me it would be extremely useful. “She knows what I’m trying to do,” I thought.


    Years ago, when I was a small child, my father was attacked by a group of savage pokémon who were led by a Gyarados. People say that he fought long and hard against them using pokémon of his own, but he was outmatched, his pokémon went down, one by one, but they weren’t allowed to return to their pokéballs, they were killed. And my father was killed gruesomely with them. And so I vowed that I would find that Gyarados and make it pay, but I would not do it alone, I would have a Gyarados of my own that would be raised with respect and love, which would make it infinitely more powerful that any wild Pokémon.


    And so as I left my hometown of Saffron, I noticed a pond and thought, “Maybe I could get lucky.” So I got out my Old Rod and went fishing, I had a nibble and as I pulled back I saw what was coming at me, “Perfect” I thought, it was a Magikarp, the pre-evolved form of Gyarados. I was determined to catch it. And so I sent out Piplup. All the Magikarp could do was flail around helplessly using the pathetic Splash. “Piplup, use Peck” I commanded, after hearing my order, Piplup ran toward the Magikarp, jumped and flew downward at it, its beak glowing and hit the enemy. The Magikarp stopped moving, “This is my chance, go Pokéball!” I threw the Pokéball at the Magikarp, it opened and sucked the small fish inside, but I couldn’t know if it would be mine for sure just yet.
    Last edited by dannycon; 11th June 2011 at 02:45 PM.

  2. #2
    Registered User dannycon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Determination (Ready for Grading)

    it would be great if someone could grade this soon im hoping to use it as the basis for my series thanks if you can

  3. #3
    Stay Classy The Jr. Trainer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Determination (Ready for Grading)

    Ok. But next time don't bump your thread up. Post here: URPG Stories Chat and Feedback.

    ---

    Plot
    Basic plot here: trainer begins journey and goes out to find his first Pokémon. While this is fine for a Magikarp story it won’t get you much more than that. Even for a Simple Tier Pokémon you will want to have something more than this, or more meat to it at least. By meat I mean more things happening. Sure you tell me you go downstairs, but did you walk through a hallway to get there? When you were leaving your home town did you take a walking path? Your bike? See what I’m saying? Give me more information onto what is going on.

    This isn’t meant to be discouraging but I don’t want you to write out a whole story and not have it pass because you simply didn’t give out information that should be in a story. At the same time, you probably don’t want to use this plot of just randomly stumbling upon a Pokémon again. It is rather uninteresting and hard to really write a long detailed story with.

    But as I said, for a Magikarp this is fine. Just don’t forget to tell more of what is happening, not that just that things do happen.

    Grammar/Spelling
    You have an okay grasp on grammar. You didn’t really have any random typos in there that I noticed, which is always good. But it is always a good idea to proofread through your story once or twice.

    However I noticed that you don’t necessarily know when to begin new paragraphs. First off, you’ll want to begin a new paragraph whenever a new person talks. So when your trainer is talking, then his sister begins to talk you want to begin a new paragraph for his sister’s dialogue. Since I feel like I’m not good at explaining I’ll give an example-

    “We should go to the park,” Joey said to Mary happily. “Yeah, we can swings on the swings,” she replied. They walked off into the moonlight to play on the playground.

    This should be:

    “We should go to the park,” Joey said to Mary happily, eyeing her.

    “Yeah, we can swings on the swings,” she replied smiling.

    They walked off into the moonlight to play on the playground.


    Next thing I want to say is that when someone has a ‘thought’ it shouldn’t be put in quotation marks, but rather put it in italics (words) as quotation marks signal that someone is talking and thoughts are not being spoke. : P

    If you have any other grammar questions make sure you look at this thread: Grammar Gripes.

    One more thing, anything that related to Pokemon should have its first letter capitalized (ex. Poke ball, Charizard, Hydro Pump).

    Length
    You’re fine for length. But by taking some of the things I mention in this grade you could easily add another 1000 characters on.

    Detail
    This you lacked completely. I know we are on a Pokémon forum and playing a Pokémon role-play but we still need you to describe Pokémon, for a start at least. Not only that but we need everything else described to. Tell me what the stairs are like, do they creak as you walk down them? Is the air fresh when you walked out of the house? Is the pond water shimmering? Tell me and your readers all of this.

    Without detail it is very hard to try and comprehend what you are thinking when you write your story. Detail can tell me the tone of the story. You did well in a few spots, especially in the part when the trainer began to cry. That showed me he was having a hard time emotionally leaving his home that he’d lived in for so long. This is good, give me more of this.

    Along with emotional traits though, I want physical characteristics. If you have a hard time giving out descriptions to things close your eyes and imagine whatever you are trying to give a description to. Your imagination can be one hell of a tool; it can create exactly what you want it to. Then it’s up to you to put it into words, which can’t be terribly hard once you have that solid idea of what it really looks like.

    Battle
    Not much here either. If you are going to do a battle you want to go full out. This isn’t like the Game boy games where one attack will do tremendous damage to the Pokémon. When you do a battle you want to do at least three different attacks. One paragraph won’t be enough for a battle, try and make it three or four paragraphs full of action, even if it’s just the Magikarp continually getting slapped around since all it can do is Splash.

    Along with more attacks I want to know what the attacks are really doing. Pretend you are writing these stories for someone who has no idea what the heck a Pokémon is. To get them to know what a Pokémon are you would need to tell them what Piplup is doing to use its Peck attack, right? Is it pecking them with its beak or does it have knives for arms that its pokes them with? You can do the same thing when you are describing the actual Pokémon themselves, pretend we have no idea what a Pokémon is, so give us an idea what they look like.

    Outcome
    Yes, I was a little harsh on you. But I did that for one reason: so you don’t write up many more stories and fail repeatedly. I nipped it in the butt with this one story. Don’t get me wrong, this story is a good foundation for your career in writing stories for URPG, but you will want to take some of this feedback into consideration when writing any more stories.

    I’m going to have to say, Magikarp not captured. Don’t get discouraged because you failed one story. It means nothing, just continue to improve with each story, I know you can do it, I did. Look at some other people's stories if you need a good idea on what to aim for, for a certain category Pokemon (simple, medium, etc) and then try and get your story on par with theirs.

    If you want to fix up your story I will let you do that so you can capture Magikarp. All I want you to do is separate the paragraphs where you think they should be split up.

    Good luck in the future, I know you have some potential. As your title says, be determined. Don't give up.

    EDIT: Well it seems you can read my mind. Since you seperated the paragraphs I'll give you Magikarp now. But please still take into account what I've said in the grade. Please. Magikarp captured!
    Last edited by The Jr. Trainer; 11th June 2011 at 03:24 PM.

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