A Delicacy [ready to be graded]

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  1. #1
    Registered User YouLookLikeBread's Avatar
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    Default A Delicacy [ready to be graded]

    I wanted to try something different, so here it is.
    Target: Magikarp (3K - 5K)
    chars: 3792 (without spaces), 4694 (with spaces)


    A Delicacy


    Those great cooking scents filled my nostrils. It is almost impossible to describe the scent of the red fish being cooked with butter, lemons and garlic. A delicacy.

    My Master worked hard on capturing this Magikarp, this time he didn’t even need my help. But his wife is always happy to have me around, helping her.

    My Masters don’t have any children. Master’s wife always blames herself for this, but the master always tries to comfort her. This is why he bought me in the city. I am a Machop, so I am almost human. I even have my own room and my own bed and my own bathroom. But there is one thing that I want more than those human things, Mrs. Master’s cooked Magikarp.

    Every morning, me and my Master go to the river and fish those red delicacies. Then Master would behead them and put them inside a metal bucket. After we catch a couple of fish, we would come back to our little cabin in the middle of the woods. We are usually greeted with warm green tea and cookies. And then, Mrs. Master goes to the kitchen.

    First she would get all of Magikarp’s eggs out of its stomach. She would put them inside an aquarium in the living room. As soon as they will hatch, Master will sell them in the city.

    Mrs. Master would remove the guts, fins and scales. She would usually give them to her lazy old cat. Mrs. Tipsy and I don’t get along so well. I would wake up early and the morning and bring food to her house, and the Purugly would complain to me. She would say that I am annoying, and before I came to this household, she would live an amazing life. I usually ignore her, until she starts scratching me. Master would usually punish her and throw her into the forest for the night. He hates it when someone hurts me. He would usually call me “Son”, even though we are not related at all, but I don’t mind. Master might be old and grumpy, but he is a nice man.

    Mrs. Master would fill the Magikarp with garlic, and then rub the skin with more of the white onion. I hare eating garlic. The taste is simply horrible, but who knew that it could add so much to the fish. With garlic, you can actually feel the amazing taste of the fish. This is one of the reasons Mrs. Tipsy doesn’t get any of it. Mrs. Master would say that garlic isn’t good for an old cat like her. Another reason for Mrs. Tipsy to stick her nails into my gray skin. But I wouldn’t fight back, it would disappoint my Masters.

    Mrs. Master would slather butter on the Magikarp. She would make sure that she coated its inside, as well as the top and bottom of the fish. She would say that you need to be careful with butter. There is no such thing as too much butter, but it also might give you a heart attack. Just like Mrs. Master’s sister. She was fat and she didn’t take care of herself. Master wasn’t surprised she got a heart attack, but he wouldn’t tell it to his wife. He didn’t want to hurt her.

    She would sprinkle some lemon pepper, bay leaves, thyme and basil. Nowadays spices are very expansive. Because the climates are changing, people that grow spices are having a hard time growing and selling them. Master tries his best to bring home the best spices he can find, but it turns into a difficult thing to do. Sometimes Mrs. Tipsy would say that it’s my fault that the couple doesn’t have as much money as they used to have before I came. If you ask me, this is her fault. Besides complaining, eating and sleeping, she doesn’t help at all.

    By now, Master starts a fire outside the shack, for the sake of cooking the fish. Cooking it is simply a torture. It takes so long, and it’s usually ready around the time your stomach starts growling in hunger. Mrs. Master wouldn’t let us eat anything, so we won’t ruin our appetite. Master would usually sit by the river and smoke his pipe, while I helped Mrs. Master by mashing the potatoes. As long as we are busy, we forget about our growling stomachs.

    Usually, near the time the fish is ready, Mrs. Master would ask me to sprinkle some soy sauce over the Magikarp. Soon we will begin eating.

    Mrs. Master would make the table, putting the bowls of salads and mashed potatoes in the middle. She would insist on having family dinners, even if you are not hungry, or simply want to be left alone. You wouldn’t want to insult Mrs. Master.

    As we seat around the table, Mrs. Tipsy would carefully approach me, rubbing her body against my leg. As soon as my Master will look away, I would give the fat cat the Magikarp.

    You see, I prefer to eat salad and mashed potatoes. Not because I am vegetarian, but because I hate eating Magikarp. Those fish are way too rough and non - edible. But don’t misunderstand me; it is a delicacy, for an old, fat cat called Mrs. Tipsy.
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    I see what you did there, Bro.

  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Delicacy [ready to be graded]

    I'll claim this one

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: A Delicacy [ready to be graded]

    Intro
    My first impressions of the story on a whole.

    As you mentioned, you wanted to try something different. I'm not sure if you meant different than stories on the forums in general or your stories, but this defiantly qualifies for the former. It is very rare in the anime (after Season 1) for them to mention eating Pokemon, but I believe you take the concept and make it seem... well not as bad.

    Plot/Reality
    What stuck out in my mind as I was reading as unusual.

    The plot was original and told in an unexpected fashion. Unexpected being that it was told in the viewpoint of a Machop that acts as a surrogate son to his masters. However, there were a few plot points that made me confused:

    Mrs. Master would remove the guts, fins and scales . She would usually give them to her lazy old cat.
    I've heard of cats eating raw fish before, scales and all, but it doesn't seem to be the best source of nourishment, especially if they are Magikarp scales. I remember in the anime that when one of the characters, I think Jessie or Meowth, tried to bite into one, her/his teeth broke. However since this was mentioned in the Anime, it's not a big deal.

    Secondly,
    But there is one thing that I want more than those human things, Mrs. Master’s cooked Magikarp.

    Not because I am vegetarian, but because I hate eating Magikarp.
    So, why does Machop want Magikarp? You build all this excitement for cooked Magikarp, and then you just sort of bail at the end. The only thing I can assume is that Machop thinks that Purugly will leave him alone for awhile. And I say thinks, because you mention earlier that Purugly would scrach and complain at Machop. It seems that Mrs. Masters has been cooking Magikarp often enough for Machop to be giving Purugly the Magikarp on a regular basis, so it wouldn't make sense for Purugly to keep getting on Machop's case.

    Also on that note, you mention that the dish is a delicacy, but not to Machop. Since the story is in his perspective, it doesn't make much sense to call it a delicacy, unless there was a mention of why it was a delicacy and to whom it was a delicacy for.

    But besides these notes, the plot is more than enough for an easiest Pokemon.

    Details:
    What kind of picture did you paint with your words.

    You describe in great detail the process of preparing this dish. I would know, since my fiancee likes to cook all the time and has been teaching me to cook more than just grilled cheese.

    So this detail was a bit nit-picky, and more of an inquiry:
    It is almost impossible to describe the scent of the red fish being cooked with butter, lemons and garlic.

    She would sprinkle some lemon pepper, bay leaves , thyme and basil.
    Now lemon pepper is made from lemon zest and black peppercorns, and lemon zest is made from scraping lemon skin. Now while it is still lemon, it just doesn't have the same... umph as actual lemon (the soury taste) at least to me. So when you mentioned lemons as a main ingredient of the dish, I was picturing something different going further in the story. And I didn't take this as a comma missing (lemon and pepper separately) because I know that lemon pepper is used on fish dishes often.

    However, this is another minor detail that probably only I had picked up, but hey, if I could, someone else could too.

    Another very small detail is that you don't mention that there would be salad, but you mention that there is mashed potatoes. Very nit-picking again but I was curiousness as to why you didn't mention what kind of salads there were or how they were prepped. I understand that the Magikarp is the main focus, but you do mention the mashing of the potatoes so I felt like it would be fair to the other vegetables if you mentioned them.

    But besides this, the rest of the story was detailed well for a Magikarp story, and even for a simple mon.


    Grammar:
    What your high school english teacher would point out.

    I'll go step by step through your story on comments that I have:

    A delicacy.
    Even though this is a sentence fragment, it is perfectly fine to use them in a story, since it is to emphasize the importance of the dish (though as I mentioned in the plot section, it is curious to why Machop refers to it as a delicacy).

    My Master worked hard on capturing this Magikarp, this time he didn’t even need my help.
    I'll deal with the second bold first. These are two sentences, each with its own subject and verb. So, you need to separate them with something stronger than a comma. Using either ", and" or ";" would keep the sentences connect, but not a run-on.

    The first bold deals with how you refer to the masters. Are their names "Masters" or are you using them as titles. If it is the first one, then why do you keep using the phrase "my Master" or "my Masters"? If it is the latter, it should be lowercase. Think of it as any title: you refer to your doctor as "my doctor" until you mention their name as in "Doctor Frank." You even have it lower-cased in the following quote:
    but the master always tries to comfort her.
    Every morning, me and my Master go to the river and fish those red delicacies.
    While the proper grammar would be "my master and I," it doesn't mean that you can't use it. It would convey a sense of child-like identity that you have given Machop, being the surrogate son for the old couple. However, since you use "Mrs. Tipsy and I don’t get along so well" later on, I had to note this as a mistake. But honestly, I feel like "me and my master" would convey a better voice to the character. Machop already feels child-like so you could use "incorrect" grammar to put emphasis on this. This is also emphasized when he capitalizes "Son" because he feels proud to hold that title.

    However, also in the above quote is a tense issue that pops up many times in the story. Since you are describe an event that occurs regularly in the past, instead of "go to the river" or even "went to the river" you should use "would go to the river." "Went to the river" denotes that it just happened. In the following sentence, you even have the phrase "would behead them," so just watch to be more consistent. Looking at the rest of the paragraph, you'll see the same problem:
    Every morning, me and my Master go to the river and fish those red delicacies. Then Master would behead them and put them inside a metal bucket. After we catch a couple of fish, we would come back to our little cabin in the middle of the woods. We are usually greeted with warm green tea and cookies. And then, Mrs. Master goes to the kitchen.
    If you want to switch tenses, it is recommended that you start a new paragraph when you have one tense established. This is to avoid confusion to the reader.

    I would wake up early and the morning and [...]
    I believe you were trying to say "in the morning."

    She would say that I am annoying, and before I came to this household, she would live an amazing life.
    Now this one was tricky. If you diagram this sentence (a trick I learned in grade school), you'd see that the and isn't connecting the two verbs "would say" and "would live" but "I am" and "would live," because she would say that "I am annoying" and she would say "she would live an amazing life." That said, it would make more sense for her to say "she lived an amazing life" since would live can denote that she could still live that life even if Machop wasn't around. Very confusing I know.

    Master would usually punish her and throw her into the forest for the night.
    Now this one isn't as much a mistake as a comment. Did the master punish her in a different way like spraying her with water, and then throw her into the forest? Or is throwing her into the forest the punishment? If you intended it to be the latter, then you should change "and throw" to "by throwing," but either way it works. It's just that the first one will give the reader the same comment that I had.

    I hare eating garlic.
    I believe you were trying to say hate, but U understand that "r" and "t" are next to each other to the keyboard.

    But I wouldn’t fight back, it would disappoint my Masters.
    Again, these are two complete sentence that need to be joined together. A semicolon would work the best here, since using "and" or "but" wouldn't make much sense in context.

    She would sprinkle some lemon pepper, bay leaves , thyme and basil. Nowadays spices are very expansive.
    Ah, one of those words that won't come up in spell check! There is so much one letter can change. The word of course is "expensive."

    She would insist on having family dinners, even if you are not hungry, or simply want to be left alone.
    Since you could read it as: even if you are not hungry, and even if you simple want to be left alone, no comma is needed, since the subject is if, and the verbs are both are and want.

    But besides the comments I had, there were very few major mistakes when it came to grammar.

    Length:
    The length of time it felt like to read this story.

    The character count was well between the min/max, but the story still felt complete; not like you just wrote until the CC min was reached.

    Also, the story was both a good and fast read


    Personal Feelings:
    Really? I have these?

    So.... is the master that sly Magikarp Salesman that keeps tricking Team Rocket? If you meant to make that connection to the anime, good job. It grounded your story to the established storyline provided in the anime. If not, just say you did, and people will be impressed (like me).

    Conclusion:
    One Liner Wrap Ups

    Plot/Reality: Who thinks Magikarp is a delicacy?
    Details: Me and my cooking experience and my internet.
    Grammar: Well written with a few minor problems.
    Length: A complete story that doesn't need to be expanded on.

    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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