Deleted (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome
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  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Deleted (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    I SHOULD BE GETTING ON MY STORY DEALS UIAGRIVL

    -----

    "ARGH!"

    The brown-haired man slammed against the keyboard. He wanted real songs, and he wanted them quickly. Sure, he had to pay to buy the Jigglypuff version, but at least the Igglybuff version shouldn't be so hard. "Oh, come on!" The man yelled. Tapping his fingers on the desk impatiently, he clicked on the rest of the programs that came free with his new, pre-ordered Pokemon Revolution: On PC. At least the other programs didn't crash. Okay, it was stupid to see an animation of Pokemon walking and Pokemon performing their signature move over and over again. But they stuck to their code, their purpose. The cover guaranteed that the Igglybuff Singing Program will produce songs that will lull people to sleep, only a bit less efficient then the Jigglypuff set. It didn't. The shrieking noises made the man's eardrums close to exploding.

    "I just HAD to find a way to waste my time. Pft. I got something else better to do before my Pokemon Revolution finally connects on the internet. But first..."

    *

    "Hah!"

    The pink ball laughed at the Pikachu innocently. The digital world they lived in had all aspects of Pokemon life, only the trees and grass were... square. Including the Pokemon The designer did a crappy work on the pixels, and just made it 'good enough'. After all, if Minecraft worked, why wouldn't this free Pokemon Farm on PC work?

    "No fair, you got a head start, Igglybuff!" The yellow Pikachu yelled, sparks flying from the brown tip of its lightning-shaped tail. He panted and Igglybuff finally rolled into the sticky mud, the only way to stop her bouncing. The Pokemon at the sidelines applauded, and tried to pull Igglybuff out of the mud without the use of Scyther. Igglybuff didn't like the arrogant Scyther. It boasted about being the only Pokemon on the Ranch being from Pokemon Revolution and not the cheap programs that came with it.

    The Ranch was another of those add-on programs that came with the pre-order. All Pokemon from the extra programs were added into the farm as the starting Pokemon. Any other Pokemon that was obtained in Pokemon Revolution would be cloned and put into the Ranch. They were cloned down to their nature, and Scyther's was Sassy. The first Pokemon to be chosen out of a few to be on the rental card before the man closed down the game to connect it to the internet, it was, for now, the only Pokemon in the Ranch apart from the starters.

    "Aw, let me help, you peasants," Scyther said, cutting through the dried 'mud' quickly. For mud, it was pretty... solid. More like gum. Supposedly another programming fault. Igglybuff stared at Scyther as the green bug turned up its head and flew away.

    One thing about the Scyther which made them feel jealous. Any Pokemon in the Pokemon Revolution game is NEVER removed from the Ranch. If they are traded away, their conscience lives on in the Ranch. The starter Pokemon had no such luxury. One had already been deleted. The deleting of Pokemon was a gruesome sight to them.

    The Ponyta suddenly shook violently, before lying flat. The others rushed up, only to see Ponyta's pixels slowly split apart, and split beyond pixels. A sad cry, unheard by the man, resounded. A cry which was hammered in every Pokemon who heard it. The pixels disappeared as the tiny specks, only a few seconds from invisible, floated up into the sky, never to be seen again. Everyone was scarred by this. They decided to venture deeper into the secrets of their world, and found the 'Tutorial', which they nicknamed 'Arceus' Book'. It explained how the Ranch worked, and all the Pokemon's fate if they were to be deleted. The book fell to the ground of the world as the man read it, and the Pokemon, somehow, could read it too. They grabbed it and stored it, reading it whenever they wanted to. Actually, there were two 'Arceus' Book', because the man opened the tutorial twice.

    "So... what shall we play?" Igglybuff said.

    *

    "Take this, Igglybuff."

    The man clicked on the secondary button as the mouse was right over the Igglybuff Singing Program. he scrolled down casually, while this would be what Pokemon called bloody murder. He clicked the 'Transport to Trash Bin' button. In the split second that the program disappeared, the Igglybuff was stunned in the Ranch.

    "Igglybuff, what's wrong...?" The water mouse said. She looked at the Igglybuff, who faintly uttered 'Marill... I...' before falling to the ground, her legs losing feeling completely. She felt herself shift in and out of consciousness as she felt herself getting... empty. She cried out, but nothing came. She has lost all control over her body. She gave one, last effort, a cry, a desperate plea for mercy.

    She disappeared, her pixels floating into the sky.

    *

    "Oh, cool! My game is connected to the internet!" The man said, before clicking on the game. He was so excited, he forgot to empty his trash... again.

    "Ugh..." Igglybuff sat us, waking up in a white room full of crumbled white paper. She rubbed her eyes, and saw something running towards her. She yelled, but was licked on the face with a rough tongue. Looking up, she saw Ponyta, tears of joy pouring from her eyes.

    "Oh god, it's been so long since I've been here, all alone, only with that grumpy weasel!" Ponyta yelled. Igglybuff took in more of her surroundings. More crumbled paper. Oh, that paper has a picture on it.

    "Where am I?" Igglybuff asked.

    "I suppose this is the Trash Bin. The little weasel over there told me that," Ponyta said, before being opposed by a loud cry.

    "I told you for the billionth time, I'm a Linoone, not a god darned weasel!" The furry creature said, his white and brown streaked fur messy. "I don't suppose you even know what a weasel is!"

    "He was an intelligence Program Pokemon or something," Ponyta muttered. "But anyway, it's all but a new life here. I suppose we can make use of these papers..."

    *

    "Damn the LAG. I wonder what's causing all this." The man said. He clicked almost ten times on his Vileplum's Petal Dance command as the screen freezed. He snapped his fingers upon hitting the answer.

    "Oh! I forgot to empty the bin a month ago, the normal bin emptying time for me. I better empty it now." The man put aside his game, and double-clicked on the trash bin.

    For a month, Igglybuff, Ponyta, that weird Linoone and a few other Pokemon added to the bin lived in peace. They tried to live life as per normal, and their curiosity was aroused whenever something new was added the bin. Igglybuff served as music entertainment. Ponyta liked organizing races. Linoone did boring tests. Everyone contributed to living a normal life.

    However, as the room rumbled, they knew something was wrong.

    "Shit! What-what's happening?!" Raichu said, before disappearing. Igglybuff looked at Ponyta, looked away, and looked again. Ponyta wasn't there.

    One by one, the Pokemon were deleted. No trace of them was left. The papers disintegrated, the files fading away... Igglybuff looked frantic. She was the only one left. It was time to be deleted.

    As she disappeared, one last cry for help was heard, but to the man, he thought it was just a fly buzzing.

    "I still want to sing... I still want to sing..."

    -----

    Pokemon being Captured: Igglybuff
    Suggested Length: 5,000 - 10,000
    Actual Length: 7,167
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Deleted (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Claimed, even though I'm not entirely sure you're active. O_O
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Deleted (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Intro/Plot/Characters: The intro is a little bit different than what we'd normally see in Pokemon stories, and that's your style. You seem to like doing off the wall things and it works for you. The intro mostly did a good job setting up the Pokemon Ranch concept, except that it was slightly confusing. At first, I thought it was going to be a dude who owned a record company trying to make soundtracks of Igglybuff and Jigglypuff or something. When I did figure out what was going on, though, everything kinda snapped into place, so it ended up working out fine.

    I think your plot was really the strongest part of the whole story (which it should be, best case scenario). I've seen stories exploring the normal games, the ranger games, and even Mystery Dungeon, but this is the first Pokemon Ranch story that I've seen, so congratulations there. Anyways, your plot basically explores what happens when Pokemon in Pokemon Ranch get deleted. Namely, they get sent to the trash. THEN, they get deleted for good. It was a good idea, but I wish you would've done more with it. It was just like 'oh, one minute they're playing, the next they get deleted'. I'm a fan of short stories that show one scene of something bigger, but because this idea is so different, a story this short doesn't do it justice, which weakens its impact. Anytime you do something that deviates SO FAR from what a normal story is, you should really consider making it longer so that you can fully explore the concept.

    In addition to this, I don't think you really went that deep into your characters. You had the beginnings of character development, but other than that... Especially, considering the fact that all of the Pokemon have to watch the horrifying death of their friends. You mention that they're scarred, but you don't go into more detail than that. If you saw someone you loved and cared about ripped down into their most basic pieces before evaporating into nothingness, all why screaming for death, I dunno. You probably would be pretty messed up. Why would all the Pokemon continuing acting like everything was normal after they had seen something like that? They should've been hiding/crying/fearing for their lives. It just struck me as odd.

    Details: You seemed to have a fair amount of detail. All of the Pokemon were described adequately, and I liked the reference to Minecraft. ;D Still, I wish you'd talked more about what it would be like to live in the Pokemon Ranch. It's a world with no battling, contests, or anything else that's a standard of Pokemon games. What did the Pokemon spend all day doing? What did it look like?

    Also, as I mentioned earlier, there wasn't a whole lot of depth to the characters. In many stories this short, that would be understandable, but because of the nature of the plot, I feel like there should be a lot more going on under your characters' skin. Tell me about how they feel; make them real. Give them hopes, wishes, dreams. By making them desire a future and giving them reasons to exist, it makes their deletion that much more awful. I would like to say, however, that the way you did the ending was very good.

    As she disappeared, one last cry for help was heard, but to the man, he thought it was just a fly buzzing.

    "I still want to sing... I still want to sing..."
    That's a good start to doing what I said. She wants to live, but her life is torn away from her. Do more with that next time, it'll create more of an emotional impact.

    Grammar:

    Okay, it was stupid to see an animation of Pokemon walking and Pokemon performing their signature move over and over again. But they stuck to their code, their purpose.
    You should probably combine those two sentences.

    The yellow Pikachu yelled
    Since this is a dialogue tag, 'the' should be lowercase.

    "Igglybuff, what's wrong...?" The water mouse said. She looked at the Igglybuff, who faintly uttered 'Marill... I...'
    Whenever a new Pokemon is speaking, you should start a new paragraph.

    command as the screen freezed.
    'Freezed' should be 'froze'.

    Overall, your grammar was pretty good. I've been grading your stories since you were a newbie and it's a lot better. ^^

    Length: You needed 5k, and you had a little more than 7k, so you're good.

    Outcome: Igglybuff... captured.

    Have fun with your Igglybuff!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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