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    He Sees You... Dog of Hellsing's Avatar
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    A/N: Well this was meant to be a creepy story but I honestly think it came out more of a sad one at the end >>.

    So this is something for Venipede, Joltik, and Venonat, ENJOY. No gore or anything in this one, either, or even really any violence. It turned out different from what I was expecting, but hey, I’ve made enough creepy stories, so it don’t bother me any lol.


    Karlin Dennis was a relatively normal Pokemon Trainer, except for the fact that none of her team were actually HER Pokemon. Oh, she’d certainly captured and trained plenty during her seven-year stint as a Trainer, but the seventeen-year-old’s current team were all Wild Pokemon that had basically decided to hang around after befriending the young human. They fancied themselves her protectors, guarding her against all the evils that “tamed” Pokemon might miss. They lacked that wild instinct, after all, or at least that’s what Karlin’s friends believed. Yes, they might have been a bit ecstatic and probably a little snotty, but they were loyal and would lay down their lives for the girl.

    Today she was at the Safari Zone in Kanto, a far ways from her homeland of Unova. The young Trainer was trying to find herself a few rare Pokemon that were nearly impossible to obtain in other regions, but so far she wasn’t having very much luck. It probably didn’t help that the weather, though bright, sunny, and pleasantly warm only twenty minutes ago, had become cloudy and gray. A storm was approaching and most of the Pokemon were getting themselves ready to ride it out.

    “Well, I’d say I’ve got about another fifteen, maybe twenty minutes before it starts coming down,” the girl said to herself, her bright teal eyes studying the gathering thunderclouds above her. A sharp, cool breeze kicked up at that moment, catching her hip-length platinum hair and whipping it around. Her clothing, a simple outfit consisting of a black tee-shirt and tan jeans, flapped and cracked in the strong gust, and the knee-high emerald grass she was walking through rippled like waves in the ocean. “Or maybe less. I suppose I’d better get to a rest house and wait it out; I’m probably not going to run into anything until it blows over.” The Trainer broke into a trot, her lean five-foot, seven-inch frame easily cutting a path through the grass that some smaller people had serious issues with.

    After a moment of jogging, a small, plain rest house was in view. It looked like a small log cabin, made out of aged mahogany and having one simple window on the three sides lacking a door. Karlin reached it just in time, for the moment she opened the door and stepped inside, the clouds above split and dropped a fierce deluge upon the land.

    “Good timing!” exclaimed an older man, a Hiker by the looks of it. His wide frame barely fit in his worn, faded mountaineering clothing, and his black hiking boots were scuffed and dirty. Short black hair was somewhat matted and unkempt, and the man’s gear was dumped on the floor in a corner. It was obvious he’d been away from civilization for some time, but Karlin couldn’t help wondering why he hadn’t cleaned up a bit after returning. Giving a simple smile and nodding at the dark-skinned man’s comment, she went to a table by the left-wall window and sat down, sighing softly.

    ‘Well, this storm picked a bad time to pop up,’ she thought glumly, staring out of the window and watching the pouring rain. ‘Couldn’t it have waited another hour? By then I’d have been gone and it wouldn’t matter. Pah, my luck has been so bad lately…’ This wasn’t the irritated thought of an irked teenager, but a very valid lament. Earlier in the week, one of the Pokemon Karlin actually owned had contracted a malignant strain of the PokeRUS. It was much rarer than the normal PokeRUS, which was exceedingly rare to begin with, and the poor little Pokemon, a Venonat, had needed to be admitted to the ICU at the Viridian City PokeCenter. Karlin had been devastated to learn the Pokemon she’d rescued nearly a year ago might not make it through the infection, hoping that he’d instead make a fast and full recovery.

    Lost in thought as she was, Karlin didn’t notice when her phone rang the first few times. When she finally realized it, she gave a sheepish smile to the others in the rest house and quickly answered the call.


    “Yes, is this Ms. Dennis?”


    “Hi, this is Doctor Juna with the Viridian City PokeCenter’s intensive unit. I was calling to update you on Sailah’s condition.”

    The doctor who had taken Sailah’s case had been very kind and gentle when he’d explained to Karlin that the little Venonat had a low chance of survival. His voice then had been somber and worried, but now he sounded rather upbeat and positive. Karlin’s heart jumped with hope; it had to be a good sign, an indication that Sailah was recovering, right?

    “Go on,” the Trainer replied, barely able to restrain the emotions threatening to burst out of her. She stopped breathing as soon as Juna began speaking again, intent on hearing the doctor’s every word as clearly as she could.

    “Sailah’s vitals are slowly returning to normal levels and he’s beginning to eat solid food again. We’ve gone over your records and it seems you’re relatively well-versed in caring for sick and injured Pokemon, thanks to your work as a Pokemon rescuer. We’ve decided that because of this, Sailah would be better off being returned to your care, as he’s out of danger and will now probably recover faster being with someone he knows and trusts.”

    “Really?! I can come get him?” Karlin asked, unable to contain her joy. Only three days ago she’d been told she might have to bury the Venonat, but now she was learning he was not only going to be okay, but could also come “home”, as it were. Juna laughed at her exuberance before he continued.

    “Yes, you can come get him any time you’re free to. We’ve taken him off life support since he doesn’t need it now, though we still have an IV in him. He’s going to need one for a few more days while his stomach gets used to solid food again, but from your background you’re already experienced with special-needs Pokemon. I’ll explain everything he’ll need when you come to get him.”

    “Great, I’ll be there in a little while!” Karlin said, leaping from her chair and hurrying to the door. After profusely thanking the doctor and hanging up, the young woman put her phone in her pocket and opened the door, stepping out into the pounding rain but seemingly mindless of it. She groped around in the pocket containing Brei, a male Dragonite she’d befriended after nursing his mate back to health roughly eight months ago. The sickness she’d come down with had changed her, made her cold and uncaring towards him, so Brei had decided to travel with Karlin and see the world.

    Her fingers finally brushed against the generic bird form engraved into the Ball holding Brei; gripping it, Karlin pulled it from her pocket and tossed it to the muddy ground. It popped open on contact with the rain-drenched ground, releasing a bright stab of white light. As the light faded, a figure formed within it, and by the time the light was gone a Dragonite was revealed. Standing roughly a foot-and-a-half taller than his human companion, the peach-colored Dragon stretched wings that looked far too small for his body and glanced about, finally settling his gaze on Karlin. Two foot-long antennae twitched atop his head, and a thick tail swished through the air behind him. The scaly, bipedal Pokemon trilled a greeting to Karlin, who smiled as she patted his cream-hued belly.

    “We gotta go pick up Sailah from the PokeCenter in Viridian,” she told him, and the Dragonite made a happy noise. All of her Pokemon, both owned and befriended, had been worried for Sailah when they’d learned of his condition, so it was understandable that they would be as relieved as Karlin to know he was going to be okay. Patting his stomach again, Karlin went to Brei’s side and pulled herself up on his broad back. After taking a moment to get herself comfortable, she thumped the Dragon’s neck and cried, “Let’s get going!” Brei let out a merry trill and crouched, then leapt into the air as he pumped his small wings.

    Despite his relative bulk, Karlin’s added weight, and his ridiculously undersized wings, Brei quickly gained height and was soon speeding towards Viridian City. Thanks to the speed his kind was known for, it only took about an hour to arrive at their destination. They flew over a residential area before reaching the shopping and entertainment district. The Viridian Gym was located here, and about a block to the west was the PokeCenter. At three stories tall, it was one of the biggest buildings in Viridian, except for a few malls and hotels. Thankful that the rain wasn’t falling here, Karlin pointed out the red roof of their target. A few moments later they landed outside the sliding glass doors, and Karlin dismounted from the Dragonite. She thanked him and recalled him before heading into the Center, shivering as a blast of cold air assaulted her soaked skin and clothes. Teeth chattering, the girl tried to ignore the fact that the AC was freezing her and instead focused on the counter at the back of the building.

    Thankfully there were no lines, so Karlin didn’t have to wait to be served. She told the resident receptionist that she was there to see Doctor Juna and pick up her Venonat, at which point the young woman vanished into a back room. As she waited, Karlin studied the PokeCenter and absently rubbed her arms to warm herself. She was surprised how much she had missed the first time she was here, though granted she’d been more concerned about Sailah’s life than the PokeCenter’s décor then.

    The room she was in was brightly light by white fluorescent lights installed in the ceiling, and the light was reflected by the pale cream tiling that made up the floor. The tile was dull, though, so the reflected light didn’t glare into peoples’ eyes and blind them. The walls were painted a light sky-blue, and the ceiling itself was white. There were large bonsai trees in pretty, rust-colored ceramic pots, lined against the left and right walls and placed at intervals of five feet. The trees themselves had been carefully and lovingly pruned into different shapes, some of them bizarre, others strikingly beautiful. Between every other tree was a plush red chair, and here and there sets of tables and benches were set up for larger groups. The counter, which took up the entire back wall, was made of some kind of smoky wood Karlin didn’t know the name of; it looked sort of like a wooden version of granite. There was a basic restoration device behind the counter, currently turned off since it wasn’t in use. There was a faint scent in the air, a hint of antiseptic underneath a blanket of soft vanilla. Both were weak enough to not really intrude on a person's nose, though the vanilla was quite a welcome scent.

    All in all, the first floor of the Pokemon Center was sparse but still nice, a relaxing atmosphere for people worried sick over the welfare of their Pokemon.

    After about five minutes of waiting, the black-haired receptionist returned with Doctor Juna in tow. The receptionist lifted a hinged part of the counter for Juna, who was carrying Sailah in one arm and an IV pack in the other. After giving him time to step beyond the counter, the receptionist lowered the part she was holding and went back to her chair. Juna himself smiled warmly at Karlin, who had immediately started gushing over Sailah the moment she could reach him.

    “He’s recovered so well in such a short amount of time, it’s nothing short of a miracle,” the small man commented. Shorter than Karlin by about a foot and as skinny as a reed, Doctor Juna was hardly what people expected when they first saw him. It didn’t help that, being an albino, he was bald, pale-skinned, and had red eyes. Right now those red eyes were full of laughter as Sailah repeatedly squealed in delight, clearly glad to see his Trainer. Carefully, Juna handed the large, fuzzy purple insect to his owner, keeping hold of the IV pack that was connected to the Pokemon. Karlin was equally gentle when she took him, making sure not the jostle the small clawed appendage the IV needle was inserted into.

    “Naaaaat!” Sailah exclaimed, snuggling against Karlin’s chest and waving his long white antennae joyfully. His large crimson eyes sparkled in the light of the PokeCenter, and two fangs clicked together as he expressed his glee at being reunited with Karlin. Karlin herself was close to tears she was so happy. It was certainly a touching moment, one Juna was loathe to interrupt. After a moment the small albino cleared his throat, and when Karlin focused on him he offered her the IV pack.

    “Now this is a special liquid diet especially formulated for Venonat,” he told her. “I’m going to give you five more packs of it. Each pack lasts for twelve hours. Every morning, switch out the old pack and give Sailah a quarter bowl of Venonat chow. Then give him another quarter at night. By the time the final pack is gone he’ll be readjusted to solid food and he won’t need the IV any longer. I’m going to give you a bag of the Venonat chow we recommend as well, and it’ll be more than enough to last.”

    Fifteen minutes later, Karlin had received a few more pieces of advice, gotten the IV packs and Venonat chow, and paid for everything. Carrying a plastic bag that was surprisingly light considering everything that was in It, Karlin thanked Juna again for everything he’d done and headed on her way. Just as she reached the door, though, an elderly man she hadn’t noticed before nodded at her.

    “Always good to see a Pokemon on the road to good health,” he commented in a somewhat breathless voice. He was sitting in a corner that was shadowy thanks to one of the lights being out near the door, so other than the fact that he looked, Karlin couldn’t really see much about his appearance. It made her slightly uneasy for some reason.

    “Yeah, I’m glad he’s gonna be okay. Makes the fact that I couldn’t find anything at the Safari Zone not matter at all.”

    “Oh? Trying to get yourself some rare Pokemon, then? Well, I hear that there’s supposed to be some powerful creature living off the coast of Cinnabar Island. It’s rumored to be as rare as a Legend and just as strong. It can apparently delete things around it, which also makes it dangerous. Some call it a monster; most don’t believe it even exists. There’s supposedly a series of things you have to do in order to meet it, though nobody knows what those steps are.”

    “Really?” Karlin replied, one eye lifting in an expression of skepticism. Despite her discomfort towards the old man, it was obvious he believed what he was saying, and Karlin wasn’t one to shoot down an old person’s fantasies. She decided to humor him, though Sailah was making a sort of hissing noise at the man. Apparently, he didn’t like the old guy, either.

    “Oh yes. And it’s rumored that it can alter its form, but no matter what shape it takes, it’s impossible for the human mind to comprehend it, so it just looks like a mass of nonsense.”

    “If it’s that powerful I don’t think I’d wanna mess with it,” Karlin said, and the old man gave a wheezy laugh at her response.

    “Well, it’s your choice. You can either try to find it or you can cast aside my words as the ravings of old age. Do as you please.” He then fell silent, and the quiet unnerved Karlin more than the old man had. Shaking her head, she stepped towards the doors and hurried outside when they hissed open. Glancing back at the PokeCenter, she blew out a heavy breath and then laughed nervously.

    “What a kook, eh Sailah?”

    “Naaaat,” Sailah replied, sounding happy to be away from the old man. Karlin laughed again, this time one of humor, and gently squeezed the three-foot-tall Pokemon in a hug.

    “Oh, you there!” a man’s voice called out, causing Karlin to look around. She groaned inwardly when she saw yet another old man hobbling towards her, casting about furtively in a subtle effort to find a means of escape. Unfortunately, she was unable to find a good excuse to run off after having acknowledged the elder coming towards her, so she braced herself for an encounter she really didn’t want to bother with.

    Jerald Henderson was probably in his eighties. At one point he’d stood about six feet tall, but age had left him hunched and barely five-feet, five-inches. He was skinny, like old people tended to be, and he had liver spots speckled across his loose, pale skin. Wisps of thin white hair curled on his mostly-bald head, and his eyes were slightly glazed thanks to cataracts, muting the once vibrant hazel coloring of them. He was wearing a simple white shirt and white sweatpants, and on his feet were worn brown flip-flops.

    “I see you’ve got a Venonat there!” Jerald said as he reached Karlin. “You must be starting your Pokemon adventure!”

    “Sir, we spoke the last time I was here, remember? I’m seventeen, I’ve been catching Pokemon for years,” Karlin said gently, wishing she’d waited a few minutes longer before exiting the PokeCenter. Indeed, the last time she’d visited Viridian to bring Sailah to the PokeCenter, she’d been ambushed by the old man before her now. Jerald had been a master at catching Pokemon, if not actually training them, and after retiring he had taken up passing his techniques on to new Trainers. As he got older, though, all that remained of his personality was the Pokemon catcher, and he had become lost in his goal to teach people how to obtain more Pokemon. As he advanced in age, he would often approach the same person over and over and offer to teach them how to catch Pokemon, whether they were Trainers or not. No one really had the heart to get mad at him though, seeing as he had no family of his own. Most people simply sat through his lectures and slipped off when he got distracted by something.

    “Come now, a new Trainer has to learn how to catch Pokemon to add to their collection!” Jerald replied, completely ignoring Karlin’s words. “You can’t expect to become a master Trainer without having a lot of Pokemon to raise! When I was younger I was THE expert on Pokemon catching, let me tell you! And I’m always more than happy to help out younger generations.”

    “Sir, I really have to be going now…” Karlin said, racking her brain for a suitable excuse to leave. “Ah…you see, my father is waiting for me at home and if I don’t get back, he’s going to be awfully upset-“

    “It’ll only take a moment!” Jerald quipped cheerfully, hobbling off towards Route 2. Sighing, Karlin followed after him in resignation. Jerald tromped into some ankle-deep grass, and a second later a Weedle leaped from some secret hiding place. Ignoring Jerald’s rambles about how one needed to weaken a Pokemon before trying to catch it, Karlin instead adjusted the IV tube feeding the IV pack’s contents into Sailah’s body. After a few minutes of fussing over him, Karlin was startled when Jerald suddenly cried, “And THAT’S how to catch a Pokemon!” Blinking, she glanced up to find that the old man had apparently captured the Weedle he’d flushed out.

    “Oh, uh, yeah, that was really great, thanks for the tips,” Karlin said hastily, turning and quickly walking back towards Viridian City before Jerald could try to give her more “advice” on Pokemon catching. Thankfully she managed to get away from him, exhaling loudly as she passed the Gym.

    “Geez, old people are getting drawn to me today,” the young woman mumbled, causing Sailah to chitter in laughter. “Hey, what do you say we go look for that so-called “monster Old Guy One was talking about? I’m sure it’ll be a fun way to spend some time and Ferry always needs the exercise.” Ferry was a Carracosta who was somewhat overweight for one of his species. Normally the blue sea turtles weighed from one hundred and eighty to two hundred pounds, but Ferry weighed in at almost four hundred. Karlin had taken him to numerous specialists to find out why he was so heavy, but none of them had found anything wrong with him. Thus Karlin had taken to using him as her main source of water transportation, in an effort to help him work off some of his excess pounds.

    Calling on Brei again, Karlin was soon headed towards Cinnabar Island. It took a bit of doing to get mounted up since she had to make sure not to bump Sailah around too much, and Brei also had to be careful of how he flew. That being the case, it took them longer to reach Cinnabar than it had to reach Viridian City, even though it was roughly the same distance from Fuchsia to Viridian and from Viridian to Cinnabar. By the time they reached the island the sun was setting and dusk was close at hand. They touched down outside the island’s PokeCenter, at which point Karlin recalled him. She then released Ferry from his Ball, letting him out in the warm, shallow water of Cinnabar’s east coast. The turtle rumbled at her in contentment, the fading sunlight reflecting dully off his dark gray shell. After giving Karlin and Sailah time to get situated and comfortable, the large Pokemon lazily started to swim, not questioning Karlin in the slightest when she told him to swim out several yards and then start going up and down the coast.

    As they surfed, Karlin released yet another of her befriended Pokemon, this one a tiny Joltik she’d taken from abusive Trainers about three months ago. The little yellow-furred spider had been beaten near to death by the two brothers who’d been trying to force her into evolving. She was almost twice as big as a normal Joltik but even so, she was still very small, and the extent of her beating had taken one of her four legs, the right back one. The blue claws had been crudely cut her remaining three feet, and two of her four slate-blue eyes had been gouged out, leaving scabbed, empty sockets. Every time Karlin looked at her, she was surprised at how forgiving and loving the little electric arachnid was despite what humans had done to her.

    Sailah and the Joltik, named Twist, had become fast friends the moment Twist had become part of Karlin’s unofficial team. When Sailah had become infected with the malignant PokeRUS, Twist had entered a state of depression for a day, refusing to eat, drink, or do much of anything else other than mope. Now seeing her friend again, she let off a few weak sparks of electricity in elation and quickly crawled up his body to perch on his head, making excited squeaking noises.

    For about twenty minutes they surfed with no incident, save a Tentacool or two coming over to investigate. They never got too close, though, what with their being natural prey items for Ferry’s kind. It was very peaceful, but just as Karlin was thinking how good the day had become…

    …Everything fell apart.

    One moment she was enjoying the feel of bobbing along the water, a warm breeze on her skin and the scent of the ocean in her nose; the next, a horrendous screeching filled her ears. Crying out in pain and alarm, she nearly slid off Ferry’s shell into the water when the Carracosta bucked in the water, bellowing loudly. Clutching Twist and Sailah in one arm and latching on to Ferry’s shell with the other, Karlin looked about wildly to find the source of the awful sound, which had now morphed into something like demonic, twisted music. It then rose and fell in a series of nightmarishly distorted cries of other Pokemon, before ending in a long, drawn-out beep.

    Then something flashed by her left, making Karlin give a little shriek of surprise. She whipped her head around to see it better, but what she found left her staring in dumbfounded incomprehension. It was…something…several feet taller than she was. She couldn’t really make out what it was and at first thought it was because of the dwindling sunlight, but eventually she saw it was made up of what looked like a bunch of randomly colored pixels, in the rough shape of a backwards ‘L’. It was making a continuous noise that was impossible to describe other than being ghastly, an ominous rumble that made Karlin feel as if her sanity was melting away and running out of her ears.

    The longer she stared at the thing, the more a sense of dreadful terror rose in her even though the…thing…wasn’t moving. And as she stared at it she started to see a sort of form to it. Yes, if she squinted hard enough she could almost picture it as being an over-sized, grossly deformed Venipede. The young woman gave a high-pitched laugh as the monstrous, lavender-hued centipede abruptly opened its mouth and spewed a powerful jet of water at her. Thankfully, Ferry managed to move out of the way before the Water Gun could hit any of them.

    At that moment Twist jumped onto Karlin’s head and released a large bolt of bright blue electricity from her small body. It arched in the air and then dropped towards the levitating Venipede, striking it atop its head between its antennae. The centipede shook itself but didn’t seem affected by the attack. Instead it started to glow with an unearthly blue-white light, obviously charging power for some kind of devastating move.

    Before it had a chance to strike, Sailah wiggled from underneath Karlin and gave a cry, firing twin beams of multi-colored lights from his eyes. The Psybeam hit the glowing Venipede and should have done a fair amount of damage, but the horrid thing once again didn’t seem to register the fact that it had been attacked. Almost instantly after Sailah attacked it, the monster rose into the air at high speeds before plummeting towards them.

    “SWIM, SWIM NOW!” Karlin shrieked at Ferry, who was grunting in panic as he started to head for the shore. The glowing, flying Venipede slammed into the water in front of them, though, causing a huge wave to push Ferry a good ten feet out. Desperate to escape the unknown thing attacking them, Ferry blindly started to push for land again. The Venipede-thing quickly surfaced, spitting another high-pressure stream of water at the group. This one hit Ferry in the side of the head, the force of it stunning the large turtle. As he lolled in the water, the Venipede slowly rose from the water, giving a series of loud shrieks, clicks, and ear-shattering musical notes.

    “Nat!” Sailah cried angrily, facing the giant Venipede and inhaling deeply. He then emitted a shrill scream that was like nails on chalkboard multiplied by one hundred, directing the full force of his Screech at the thing assaulting them. Twist crouched and lifted her rear; a moment later stiffened hairs covered in popping blue electricity were fired from her back. Her Pin Missile struck true and should have done a good amount of damage, thanks to being coupled with the thing’s lowered defenses from Sailah’s crippling Screech.

    The Venipede-monster seemed invincible, though, and Karlin now knew the old man hadn’t been delusional when he’d told her of this beast. He’d known, known how strong it was. He’d tricked her into trying to find it, and now she was going to pay for not listening, for not believing. They couldn’t fight it and there was no way to get away from it. Karlin knew, deep down, that it wouldn’t let them get away.

    Then an idea came to her. Almost delirious from hope, she shoved a hand into one of her pockets and grabbed an empty PokeBall. She yanked it free from its cloth confines and without really thinking, heaved it at the creature. The Ball cracked upon on impact and a red light engulfed the thing; seconds later it was drawn inside and the Ball clicked shut. It then fell into the water, though a special buoyancy feature prevented it from sinking. It bobbed in the water, rocking a little before finally falling still.

    Karlin stared at it for a moment before giving a sob of relief. She then checked her Pokemon, ensuring they were all okay. Ferry was still a bit dazed from the Water Gun but was otherwise fine, and after another moment to regain his bearings, he started swimming for shore again. As they passed the PokeBall holding the monster that had attacked them, Karlin considered leaving it there. The idea of some innocent, unknown person or Pokemon coming upon it and accidentally releasing it made her snatch it up, though, determined to put it in a PC and leave it where it could do no harm.

    The moment her fingers touched the Ball, though, she felt an odd, unpleasant tingle rush through her body. Her three Pokemon gave simultaneous cries of shock, and as she stared at the Ball, Karlin felt terror rise within her once again. For right before her very eyes, her hand was turning black and crumbling into what looked like pixels, which were fading away and leaving a blinding white in their place. The blackness crept up her arm, a terrible numbing sensation following it, and even though she was horrified she couldn’t look away. She heard her Pokemon crying in alarm and fear, could feel that she was crying as well, but still she watched as she was, quite literally, deleted. Some part of her mind noticed the effect was spreading outward from her, that the awful, impossible event was happening to her Pokemon and the very world around them. Everything was being wiped out, replaced by nothing but a vast, empty nothingness of infinite white.

    ‘I’m sorry…I’m so sor-‘





    The beast could not be contained. Beyond any world, it belonged to none and could be held by nothing of them. The thing had traveled from world to world, dimension to dimension, always trying to find somewhere it could fit in, somewhere it could call home. But it was of no world, and because of this, it was angry and sad, and nothing could console it. Every time someone would attempt to make it belong, to make it part of their world, the beast would go into a frenzy. And in that maddened state, it would erase their world, spiteful for not being accepted, for not belonging.

    If you ever see something you cannot explain, something that your mind cannot comprehend and simply sees as jumbled colors, do not acknowledge it. Do not speak to it, do not approach it, do not even look at it. Turn away and act as if it does not exist. Do not feel pity, or curiosity, or greed. Let it simply move on to some other world, lest yours join the endless number others that have gone missing…

  2. #2
    the bug catcher pokémon Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Deleted

    Er, sure. I'll claim. ;D

  3. #3
    the bug catcher pokémon Buoy's Avatar
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    Feb 2010
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    Default Re: Deleted

    Dog of Hellsing - Deleted.
    Introduction: Yo, we have Karlin Dennis, an upcoming trainer in the Pokémon world. It's refreshingly different to have a character that's basically already experienced it all, seeing as she's seventeen years old and has already had a team of Pokémon, but now she's just kept herself a team of Pokémon who she's basically just met in the wild and they've befriended her, although we don't know how this kind of situation would come to pass, really - to be honest, if we're sticking to how it is in anime/games, the only Pokémon that will normally bond with a human is a captured Pokémon, whether it belongs to the trainer in question or some other trainer, which is maybe something to think about, although Wild Pokémon bonding with a human is still plausible, I guess.

    Otherwise, we get a good sense of where we are in the story - we're introduced to the main character, who appears to have no particular goal at this point in time. I won't say much about description here because I want to do it in the description section, seeing as that section often gets no love from me. Anyhoo, we get a good sense of the place the story's at for the moment - the Safari Zone, where a storm is impending on our young hero. Seeing as the Wild Pokémon are all in hiding from the raging storm, our character decides to seek refuge in a safe house and wait there until the storm passes. We also get a view of some conflict during your introduction - Karlin's Venonat has contracted malignant PokéRUS, a 'disease' which is supposed to be good for a Pokémon, all in all.

    But yeah, we get a good sense of what your story may be about, although I guess the introduction is slightly misleading (covered in the plot section below).

    Plot: HERE IS WHERE I POINTLESSLY SUM UP YOUR STORY (we actually discussed this on AIM and you corrected me too many times, so here's my version still): Karlin is in the Safari Zone, trying to capture some Pokémon, doctor man rings up to tell her that her Venonat is perfectly okay, and that she can take her home - wherever that is. We can gather that Unova is her homeland, but we don't get what her actual home at that moment is, which, while not really that important, can still leave our more perceptive readers wondering about this so-called home. Anyway, continuing on, our character discovers an old man who rambles on to her about Cinnabar Island and a mysterious creature that lives there [IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT MISSINGNO. OR ANYTHING]. So yeah, it's a good enough plot for at least a Medium capture, but anything higher and you'd probably have to tweak it.

    By tweaking it, I mean that you'd have to make it a tiny bit more structured. Over the span of the story, we've jumped locations a lot, and it feels, uh, hazy (*fails with words*) and a bit jerky, really. I'd have liked it if it was a bit more stable in terms of where it actually took place, but I suppose that for your purposes in this story, the whole jumpy thing actually makes sense, although I don't think that you intended to be symbolic or anything with the whole jumpy stuff. Seeing as this story is basically all based on a glitch (the Old Man Glitch, if I'm not mistaken), then the jumpiness, I guess, can be actually interpreted as a more clever element, seeing as glitches represent weird, jumpy (I'M USING THIS WORD FAR TOO MUCH) stuffs. I guess that the flow was okay for the most part, though. ^_^;

    Continuing on, I thought it was rather clever how you actually got the story to fit with the basis of the story - often, people don't find inspiration to write stories over game events, especially glitches which many people may not have heard of, although Missingno is a rather popular Pokémon to the Pokémon fanbases. Anyhoo, I felt that the way you wrote everything about the glitch was really interesting, because I love it when people take things out of canon (not that you can really call Missingno canon or anything) and make it their own, so moar originality points for you, missus! We did discuss a lot of this over AIM, especially the more in-depth stuff about how the story technically shouldn't work seeing as your character's name is wrong - in the games, a trainer called Karlin would encounter a Nidorina and a Squirtle on the shores of Cinnabar, although if it was in caps (KARLIN) it would be a Marowak and Muk. How interesting. Again, this is another one of those minor details that don't particularly matter, but would add to the general cleverness of the story if used correctly.

    All in all, you captured the more important aspects of the glitch, and it made for quite a good story plot-wise. A/N kinda forgot about the 'misleading' thing for a moment - the story's introduction leads us to believe that the story is going to be about something completely different than what you've actually written - perhaps something Safari Zone-y/something to do with Venonat, but we get a whole story about some randomly creepy glitch.

    Grammar/spelling: Noticed about three or four things, although I don't know if they're particularly worth mentioning. OH WELL, I'LL DO IT ANYWAY.

    Short black hair was somewhat matted and unkempt (...)
    Herp, wut? Whose short black hair? Hitler's moustache's short black hair? By not using a possessive pronoun in front of 'short black hair' (although you've used one for his eyes), it can be interpreted in many different ways, the most amusing of which that I came up with is just a pile of short black hair on the floor, although you obviously wanted to use 'his' here. Or perhaps not, seeing as your weird medicine seemed to have made you woozy yesterday.

    The blue claws had been crudely cut her remaining three feet (...)
    What? This part of the sentence doesn't seem to be well-structured, truth be told. We have two conflicting verbs here, and it makes the reader confused. We have two possibilities here, more if you were to rewrite the sentence completely. Either the claws had crudely cut her remaining three feet, or the blue claws on her remaining three feet had been crudely cut. One or the other, because both don't fit in the same sentence together, and since this is a structural error, it ruins what would have been a finely-structured sentence. I know you tried to proofread, but be extra careful to catch out strange errors like this.
    Damn, I've forgotten the other two, and I can't find it when I scan over your story again. ¬_¬ I curse my own stupidity, I really do. Someone should kill me, but then again, if they did, then I wouldn't be able to go on URPG and grade anymore. D; Anyhoo, basic errors (as that's what they were if I remember correctly) like these can be avoided by proofreading, and sometimes those damn controversial grammar checkers which never seem to work properly. But overall, good to go here.

    Detail/description: I can't give you any good advice here, as you do have an extremely good grasp of description and have utilised it very well throughout the entirety of your story, bar like one exception that I noticed which was the lack of description of the actual appearance of Viridian City - yeah, we get that there's lots of large buildings 'n' such, but we don't actually get what it looks like. It's kinda a vague problem, I know, but you need a teensy bit more of that lovely description for large surroundings such as Viridian City, especially when they do play a major-ish role in your story. Keep that in mind and you should be even finer than you are, seeing as your description is solid. ;D.

    Battle: It was an extremely frantic, frightening battle, all things considered. Karlin was trying to escape, but her Pokémon kept battling on for her, which is also heartwarming as well as desperately sad, seeing as this thing could kill them if it wanted to. I liked the battle, although it did seem a bit one-sided. There was no dramatic action seeing as the Missingno had not attacked them or damaged any of them, but had only deterred them a little bit (well, frightened the trainer out of her wits, but I suppose that doesn't count). We get a good description of the moves and their affect upon the unknown creature, although it would have been nice to see your interpretation of the only three moves that Missingno knows, at least one of them being utilised (ESPECIALLY AS YOU'RE A RANGER AND BATTLE POSTS ARE IMPORTANT AND STUFF, so you'd be good at this :<).

    The ending wasn't entirely 'climactic' though. We just have her escaping in this frantic mess, and then this strange slowing down as she's 'deleted'. Herp, and you'd also think that she wouldn't touch the damn thing, seeing as she's heard earlier that this thang can delete people, but noo. Perhaps she's one of those Too Dumb To Live people. x]

    Length: YEAH, YOU'RE FINE.

    Outcome: This story is above average for your purposes, capturing two Medium Pokémon and a Simple, although towards higher ranks this story would need some definite tweaks plot-wise, although there's not much else to say other than this was a good story, and you should continue writing the way you do for the most part, just a few minor mistakes that don't have much importance. ANYWAY, you just want to see what I'm doing, right? Herp, let's adventure through spoiler tags.



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