Dear Diary (WWC)

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: Dear Diary (WWC)

  1. #1
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    C Burg
    Posts
    2,369
    Blog Entries
    7

    Default Dear Diary (WWC)

    Police sirens blared outside of the dark room. The only light coming from the pulsating blue and red orbs outside the sole window. Rain continued to hit the window and each droplet distorted the intruding light, refracting it around the room. Said room was that of a regular teenager, with some peculiar add-ons. There was a bed, desk, armoire, and a bookshelf. The desk was directly in front of the window, illuminating everything on top of it. Above the bed was a poster for some obscure Irish indie band. The armoire drawers hung ajar, with clothing strung out of every one. The bookcase also had books shuffled around, as if someone had been searching frantically for something in particular. The only current inhabitants of the room were two police officers, one a tall and purple bipedal bulldog, the other a lion and dog hybrid.

    "Any clues yet?" asked the bulldog, adjusting his officer's hat over his flat and curved ears.

    "Yeah, you better come look at this," responded the fiery looking lion, reading something very intently.

    The bulldog slowly walked over to the mentioned clue; it was an old book. This book was in pretty bad shape, the cover was peeling in places, many of the pages were crumpled and bent, a horrible odor was emanating off of it, and there appeared to be a large stain across the entire book.

    "What do you reckon it is, Martin?" asked the bulldog, trying to hide how much it interested him.

    "Hold it up to the light, things should become pretty clear."

    The purple dog carried the book over to the window and held it up to the colored light. The light shone on it revealing the title of the book. The words "My Diary" were scratched out pretty vigorously and below them written in the stain were the words "Take all Chances out of life."

    "What exactly is this shit on the cover? Its sticky and purple," asked the bulldog, gritting his fangs together.

    "Well, its only purple in the light from outside..."

    The bipedal dog brought it away from the window, removing the intrusive blue light from the clue in question. The book's cover changed color, from the purple the dog had seen earlier, to a new crimson red color.

    "What a sick fuck. He wrote this in blood, didn't he?"

    "Well, not all of it. Just that section of the cover and some markings on the later pages."

    "Contact the Forensic's division. Have them check this out."

    "Already done, they are on their way."

    "You sly bastard. Are all Arcanine like you, Martin?"

    "Not all of them. Are all Granbull as foul-mouthed as you, Stevens?

    "Only the ones who realize they can't always sugar coat things."

    "Sadly, there is some truth to that."

    "Want to read a little bit of this diary before Forensic's get their hands on it?"

    "You know, they'll be real mad if we do."

    "I'll buy you a coffee afterwards."

    "It better be the good kind, I don't want any cheap shit like last time."

    "There is the Martin I know."

    With that, both officers sat down and opened up the one true piece of evidence they had found. Ready to find out exactly how screwed up this serial killer is.

    Dear Diary


    August 12th, 2017

    Today was the day. Tryouts. The play: Burmy and the Technicolored Dream Coat. I auditioned for the part of Burmy's older brother, Emanuel. I recited my lines perfectly and got the choreography down for just tryouts. The only person who even came close to me was that Buneary who just moved here. He's in my third period class, or something. Anyways, callbacks will be posted tomorrow! Can't wait!

    August 13th, 2017

    I got a callback! And only two people got callbacks for my part. Just me and that Buneary. I think his name is Chance or something. I am totally going to get the part. And guess who got the role for Emanuel's wife? Sarah the Bellossom! I've had a thing for her ever since she was an Oddish. Even through that "Gloom" phase. Why any girl would get depressed like that is beyond me. Anyways, totally going to nail it at callbacks tomorrow.

    August 14th, 2017

    I didn't get the part... I thought my audition was better, but it seems Mr. Behr didn't think so. Whatever. I still managed to get one of the coolest roles in the whole play. I'm the Tree of Life. The baddest ass tree in existence. I'm definitely going to steal the show. Sarah won't be able to deny my girth.

    August 15th, 2017

    We had our cast meeting today. Mr. Behr explained everything to us. Seems like a pretty great show, even if we are taking some liberties with the script. I mean it is supposed to be based off of a Bible story, but I'm sure Arceus won't mind if we make it a little more entertaining. Like changing Burmy from becoming a leader of Egypt, to a pizzeria owner in Slateport. Chance was a loudmouth at the meeting. He was so annoying. He kept making snide remarks. No idea why everyone laughed at them.

    August 16th, 2017

    Scripts came during homeroom this morning. So excited! I get the most advanced stage directions put of everyone! I have to stand completely still and rustle my leaves every so often to mimic a slight passing breeze. This is going to be so great! I may not get Amy spoken lines, but Mr. Behr told me that I could improvise during practice. I'll make a tree rap, just for Sarah.

    August 17th, 2017

    We had our first play practice today. I did a tremendous job. I had the bark to back up my bite. Haha. I should tell that one to Sarah. Anyways, it was great. Everybody else got told that they had to work harder on certain things. I didn't though! Mr. Behr told me I was the best tree he's ever seen! And I'm sure he has seen a great deal of trees in his day.

    August 19th, 2017

    Third practice today. Went pretty great. I think I am starting to perfect this not moving thing. Got a little closer to Sarah today. We talked about this show that we both watch, Lilycove Shore. The things those Ludicolo's do. Sheesh, they are party Pokemon. Anyways, sorry about not writing yesterday, I was swamped with my upcoming Grad Project. I'm doing it on medieval death traps. They have always just been something that has interested me.

    August 20th, 2017

    Fourth practice went great. After this one we are starting an intense practice schedule so I probably won't be able to write much. Anyways, things are coming along really well. We just finished covering the entire script so now we can go in depth. Mr. Behr seems pretty happy with everything. Sarah and Chance had their first kiss. It was only as characters, but I am still pretty jealous. I don't see what is so great about him. He tripped and fell in the middle of a scene. It was pretty funny, but not everyone thought so. Oh well. Hopefully he just keeps his big ears out of my business.

    August 29th, 2017

    First run-through was today. Still being the best tree ever. I've managed to make it seem like my leaves blow in the wind. It is so realistic. Anyone watching won't even be able to tell that I'm there. That is how fantastic a tree I am. Chance did make a snide comment about my skills at being a tree. He is kind of getting on my nerves.

    September 4th, 2017

    So we had our first dress rehearsal. I finally got to wear my awesome costume. Think the tree from The Growlithe King. That is how epic it is. I really do steal the show. It will be a little unsettling to see Chance kiss Sarah every day for the next week, but it is only a stage kiss. I can hold strong.

    September 5th, 2017

    Second dress rehearsal was fantastic. We nailed it perfectly. Mr. Behr was so proud, he couldn't help but recount how he missed his younger days. They were really interesting. He was one talented Remoraid. He managed to get the part of the Dusknoir in The Dusknoir of the Opera. He told us about how the mask he wore had chaffed his fins and blocked part of his gills. Somehow he still managed to break out an award-winning performance. He won a Georgie for it! That is a national acting award. Incredible, really incredible.

    September 8th, 2017

    Today was the "Geezer" show, as Mr. Behr affectionately calls it. This is the show where all of the old Venomoths and Butterfree come to see the show. They are always one of our best audiences. Afterwards we went out and greeted all of them. They all complimented me on my performance. They told me that they couldn't even tell that I wasn't a real tree. One particular Venomoth told me all about how he had played a tree once. He is a professional therapist. We talked a lot and I found out that we have so much in common. He told me that if I ever needed therapy or someone to talk to, he would be happy to help.

    September 13th, 2017

    We just finished our last performance. All of them sold out. We've gotten rave reviews. Only good things can come from this. Damn, I am excited. Too bad it had to end like that. I feel like me and Sarah were just beginning to get a real connection. Well, I'm sure I will have as many chances as I can get with her. She is in my English class after all. There is also tonight. There is a cast party at her house. I'm sure if I make a move there we can be together by the start of Hanukkah. That would be fantastic. Snuggling by the fire. Drinking hot chocolate. Sharing a blanket. I am getting butterflies just thinking about it. Well, I am off. Wish me luck Diary.


    "Christ, this kid is like a fucking twelve year old girl," mused Stevens.

    "Yeah, he seems to have a few issues, but nothing more than any average kid," agreed Martin.

    "If I was him, I would just walk up to this Sarah chick and start making out with her. No girl would resist something that assertive and powerful."

    "Sadly, I don't think that would work in this particular scenario..."

    "It always works. How do you think I got my wife?"

    "Oh yeah, I'm sure that was the only reason Karen wanted to marry you. Love had absolutely nothing to do with it."

    "Well, love played a small factor. But, the big factor was how great I am in the sack. She could never push away someone as heavenly as me."

    "As great as your stories of grandeur are, we don't have a lot of time left and I want to find out what happens."

    "Yeah, whatever."

    September 30th, 2017

    Hi Diary. It's been a while, huh? Things have been a little hectic recently. Yeah tht party I mentioned didn't go quite as planned. Well, it was great to begin with. Me and Sarah were talking up a storm and we were really connecting, until Chance showed up. Chance came and rudely buttes into our conversation. I'm not really sure what his problem was, but he just kept making fun of me in front of Sarah. Normally I would just be the bigger man and take it, but he decided to bring the whole race card into play. He mentioned how all Psyducks should be good at acting and how he didn't understand how I was so bad at it. Then he threw some change on the ground and asked me why I wasn't scrambling to pick it all up. At that point I was furious. In my fury I ended up swiping at him; probably four or five times. It didn't really do much besides get Chance angry. He ended up taking all of his pent up frustration and he released it all into a punch straight at me. It knocked me back into the wall behind me and from there memory gets hazy. I must have gotten amnesia or something. All I know is that now they are forcing me to get help from a therapist before I can come back to school.


    "Oh yeah! I remember my son telling me all about this! One of the kids had to go to the emergency room," remarked Martin with astonishment.

    "Poor guy has to deal with prejudice and then he gets the shit beat out of him in front of the lass he digs. Rough day."

    "No, I'm pretty sure it was the other kid who had to go to the emergency room. Several fractures and a deep cut along his back."

    "Wow. Surprising for our little freedom fighter here."

    "Yeah. He did get blamed for the whole thing though, and he got suspended."

    "Poor kid was just sticking up for himself. Schools these days; They don't let our kids get tough."

    "Yeah, I mean look how you turned out. Top of your class, I bet."

    "Alright, wise ass. Let's keep reading."

    October 1st, 2017

    I got a therapist today. It was that kind old Venonat from before. Mr. Davis is his name. Or Dr. Davis if you prefer. He is really helping me. It was just the first day and I already have my emotions under control. He uses this amazing powder. It clears my head and lets me get some very nice rest. Everything he says just makes sense and I end up going along with it. He says I've made so much progress in just the first day, that he is going to let me return to school tomorrow. That is exciting. He also taught me how to deal with any odd looks Iight get. He is just an all around cool guy.

    October 2nd, 2017

    School went phenomenally. Now that my head is cleared everything has just become that much easier. I aced all of the tests I had to make up. I can move in Gym, like never before. Also, I am just a lot better socially. People were accepting of me immediately. I also got over Sarah, at least mostly. I asked another girl out. Her name is Rachel. She is a Kirlia, and absolutely marvelous in everyway possible. She is fun, happy, pretty, and she just always manages to make me smile. Other girls flirt with me, and they mention Rachel's "flaw", but I think she is perfect just the way she is.

    October 5th, 2017

    Now that I am going out with Rachel, I have less time to write to you. Sorry about that, but this is a turning point in my life. I hope you can understand. You know, I tried out for the swim team and made it. It seems I just have a natural inclination towards the water I guess. I managed to beat the team captain in a swim race. They are thinking about letting me be co-captain just because of my talent. I don't think I want that pressure though. Chance also tried out for the team. He wanted to be in my qualification heat so bad. I think that is the reason he didn't make it too. Because I beat him. Oh well, I am over our little grudge match. He is dating Sarah now or something, so I hope they can find happiness.


    "Haha! Take that, Chance! You stuck up asshole!" declared Stevens with pride.

    "Should we really be taking sides here? I mean we are trying to catch this kid, after all."

    "I know, but you have to feel good for the kid when he beats out that little Chance asshole."

    "I know what you mean, I kind of feel like I grew up with the kid now that I know his thoughts like this. It is kind of sad thinking the prosecution will only take this diary at face value."

    "You are right. I tell you if those fucks put my little Psy in jail because of this, I will personally rip them all new ones."

    "Psy? Really?"

    "Well it only felt right to give him a nickname. We don't even know his name yet."

    "Yeah yeah. Just keep reading."

    October 24th, 2017

    Wow, it has been sometime since I wrote in here. Things have been just so fantastic, I really haven't needed to write out my thoughts. I got homecoming king. Seems like a pretty quick turn a round for me. One month I'm that awkward kid who is doing the play, the next I am captain of the district winning swim team. Oh yeah, forgot to mention we went undefeated ever since I became captain. We are headin to States this week. Rachel is skipping school just to cone see swim. Should be great. Mr. Davis and I still have our meetings every so often just so I can clear my head of everything. Now he just sort of gives me life advice. He is going to write a letter of recommendation for me. I am thinking of going to CIT. The Canalave Institute of Technology. They have already promised me a full ride and I know how much easier my mom's life will be not having to pay for college. Things really are looking up.

    Decmeber 13th, 2017

    I almost forgot about you this time, buddy. We won States. It was the best feeling ever. Afterwards I got to spend the whole week with Rachel. It was a blast. We went to go see all of the places we had dreamed of seeing. Life is fantastic. I had what I believe is my last meeting with Mr. Davis. I made sure to thank him thoroughly and show my appreciation for everything. He seemed a little regretful to hear it was our last meeting, but he took it in stride and wished me luck with everything I do in the future. What a great guy. Anyways, I am off to dinner with Rachel.

    January 1st, 2018

    Rachel is dead. Chance will pay.

    January 3rd, 2018

    I see Rachel. Rachel is dead. Chance is laughing. Why did he do it? He must pay.

    January 6th, 2018

    Rachel. Why did you go? Chance will die! His life will be sacrifice for your blood.

    January 11th, 2018

    Plan. Davis. Confusion. Chance. Blood. Life. Gone. Rain. Ritual. Devil. Life. Rachel. Need. Moon. Full. Red. Make. Pain. Feel. Awful. Again. No. Stop. All. End.

    January 13th, 2018

    Code. Deciphered. Drunk. Buneary. Death. Key. Gate. Life. Stone. Lake. Drown. Air. Gone. Suffocate. Davis. Help. Power. Confuse. Force. Unwanted. Spirit. Rest.

    January 17th, 2018

    Despair. Anguish. Victim. Insolant. Sacrifice. Iodine. Secret. Torment. Hell. Evil. Conspirator. Underneath. Love. Passion. Release. Internal. Tempest.


    "What..." Martin couldn't even finish his sentence.

    "Yeah..."

    "But he was just..."

    "Yeah..."

    "Well, shit..."

    "Yeah..."

    "So Rachel died?"

    "Yeah, that much I got."

    "But how?"

    "No idea. It hits the kid pretty hard afterwards. It sounds like Chance was involved."

    "For some reason, I doubt that."

    "Even if he wasn't, the kid seems to think he was."

    "Yeah. After that it just kind of falls to nonsense."

    "He seems to lose all rational thought."

    "Well that gives him the insanity plea."

    "Yeah, but that will lock him in solitary confinement."

    "But seriously, what the fuck happened?"

    "I have no idea. She just suddenly dies. And he falls into nothing afterwards."

    "He does mention Davis after he falls into insanity. Maybe he has a role in this?"

    "Is there anything left in the diary?"

    "Nope. Just some pages that are splattered with blood."

    "I kind of feel really bad for the kid."

    "I know what you mean, I was really pulling for him. I guess we did know it would end poorly, but I didn't expect it to be that bad."

    "Maybe if we manage to catch him, we can sit down and have a talk with him."

    "Now there is a thought. Let's do everything we can to find this kid."

    "Agreed, he isn't going to lose his life on our watch."

    With that, the door behind them opened and in came a group of Pokemon all in white lab coats. They all wore goggles and gloves and they carried tiny cases that appeared to be filled with an infinite amount of miniscule tools that each could be used for whatever purpose you could imagine. The pokemon at the head of the group was a greenish reptilian pokemon. It wore a special type of goggles that matched the red stripe across its chest perfectly.

    "What are you doing to the evidence!" yelled the reptile.

    "Relax, we were just reading it. Don't get your panties in a bundle," responded Stevens.

    "Ahhh, Deputy Stevens. It seems you still haven't lost your eloquency."

    "And it seems you still haven't lost your virginity. It is a shame really. Holding out until marriage; think of all the women who you have let down. All none of them."

    "As much as I would love to poke fun at your brutish ways, I came here to do a job. So once again, please don't touch the evidence."

    "Oh, Germe. You seemed to have missed the part where I don't give a fuck."

    "Not that I particularly care about what you do, but don't you have some donuts to eat?"

    "I'll show you where I would like to shove-"

    "As a matter of fact, he does owe me some coffee. We'll be seeing you Germe. And make sure to give us the details on any clues you happen to find," interrupted Martin.

    "Good choice Deputy Martin. You'll be the first to get any updates on possible leads."

    "Thanks, Germe."

    Martin and Stevens both left the room and headed outside to their squad car. They turned off their lights and sped off towards the nearest coffee shop. When they arrived, they noticed that the parkin lot was empty, except for one car. They entered the decrepit old diner and waved a quick hello to their old friend, Bill. Bill was the owner of the diner, and he made a pretty mean cup of coffee. Some called it the best in the city.

    "Hey Bill, the usual," yelled out Stevens.

    "Coming right up boys," replied Bill.

    "So what are our leads as of now?" asked Martin.

    "Well we have that Dr. Martin guy. His treatments seemed a little shady and he wasn't all too happy about Psy leaving his treatment. He was also mentioned in the last few diary entries."

    "Sounds logical enough. Then we have Mr. Behr. He didn't show up much, but Psy seemed to like him and felt like he could trust him."

    "Seems like a stretch, but worth a shot. Also, I guess we have this Sarah girl. Psy's first crush, and Chance's girlfriend. Maybe she can shed some light on the events that took place."

    "Good call. And finally, I would say we should question Psy's mother. He makes very little mention of her, but she is his mother after all. She should at least be able to provide some insight."

    "Agreed."

    With that, a resonating "Ding!" echoed from across the room and Bill approached their table with two cups of coffee in hand.

    "I hope you boys enjoy it."

    "I'm sure we will," remarked Martin.

    Both Martin and Stevens took a cup from Bill and they both thought things over with a good gulp of coffee. Martin grimaced.

    "Shit, Stevens! I told you not to get me the cheap kind!"

    As the Arcanine officer chastised his old partner, a pair of large saucer-like eyes peered in through a side window. They belonged to a particularly frightened yellow duck who had followed them since the officers left his home.
    Last edited by Neonsands; 5th February 2011 at 05:51 PM.

  2. #2
    The Hero You Never Needed Neonsands's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Gender
    Male
    Location
    C Burg
    Posts
    2,369
    Blog Entries
    7

    Default Re: Dear Diary (WWC)

    Target mons: Psyduck and Buneary

    Medium X2

    Target Characters: 20k

    Achieved Characters: 20k-21k
    Last edited by Neonsands; 10th January 2011 at 10:01 PM.

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Santa Barbara, California
    Posts
    2,730

    Default Re: Dear Diary (WWC)

    Intro: Right away, we get a look at a crime scene and some verrry disturbing evidence. A perfect draw for the reader. We begin to wonder, what kind of person would write a diary entirely in blood? Both of the cops are awesome characters in themselves. The comic relief they provide is excellent. ;D Good job, kiddo.

    Plot: All I can say is "Wow." You really blew me away, Neon. Everything you did was fantastic....Your character development of Psy, your stream of consciousness prose in the diary, your foreshadowing....It was all so epic! I actually got chills when the writing in the diary got all fragmented. Let's take a look at the whole plot: We start out with two officers looking over a crime scene and finding Psy's diary. From there, we follow Psy as he goes from being a socially awkward nerd, to getting in a fight with Chance and going to psychiatry, to becoming the bigshot at his school, to Rachel's death, and finally leaving the ending open. To be honest, your ending was a little bit too....sudden. There was no resolution at all. Maybe if a Psyduck covered in blood or something was watching the two officers from out the window, but not even that. We never get to find out what happens. Other than that though, your story was absolutely wonderful.

    "Take all Chances out of life."
    After I read that and found out the Buneary's name was Chance, I actually started biting my fingernails. xD You have other awesome examples of foreshadowing, as I mentioned before. The stuff about how his head was cleared by some kind of power, etc, etc. Then, I have to mention how horrifying it was to watch Psy develop from this sad little kid into a monster. Because that's something that actually happens. You give the reader a look at what goes into the making of a killer and you succeed SO VERY WELL.

    Dialogue: The only real dialogue is between the police, but the banter between Granbull and Arcanine is hilarious.

    "Ahhh, Deputy Stevens. It seems you still haven't lost your eloquency."

    "And it seems you still haven't lost your virginity.
    I lol'd. Granbull is now my favorite character in any URPG story.

    Grammar: Sorry if my grammar grading is nitpicky. X_X I can't help it.

    Police Sirens blared outside of the dark room.
    'Sirens' doesn't need to be capitalized.

    Ready to find out exactly how screwed up this Serial Killer is.
    Same as above but with 'serial killer'.

    "Yeah, he seems to have a few issues, but nothing more than any average kid." agreed Martin.
    That period should be a comma.

    "Thanks Germe."
    Comma after 'thanks'.

    "Coming, right up boys," replied Bill.
    You don't need a comma after 'coming'.

    You had a few weird word switches, but I think they're from autocorrect, so I let them go. Other than that, your grammar was very good.

    Detail: You did pretty well on detail. We got a good description of both officers, the crime scene, and the diner. Unfortunately, their wasn't much in the diary entries, but honestly, a big paragraph of description would have been unrealistic, so I let that go. Still, because of that I imagined their theater looking like mine. X_X Also, not knowing what Psy's species was until later was a bit confusing, but overall, I like how you snuck it in there, so that's fine I guess.

    Length: You needed 20k and you're right over the required length, so you're fine.

    Reality: The only unrealistic thing I noticed, is why would Psy write the diary in blood BEFORE he got psychotic? Also, it's just a tiny bit over the top, because if it was his blood, he'd need a lot of it, and if it's someone else's blood, you'd think someone would notice people going missing. It could be from an animal, I suppose, but that still doesn't clear up why he would do it while he was sane. Eh. Just me being nitpicky.

    Personal Feelings: This is one of my favorite stories on the URPG. It was WICKED, dude. I'm not going to make you wait any longer.

    Outcome: Buneary and Psyduck.....captured.

    You did a great job, so enjoy your Pokemon!



    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •