Thread: The Daycare Chronicles - Loud and Clear

Hi! My name is LyreBird, and I'm new here to URPG.

No, like, seriously. I just joined today. But, anyway, I was really intrigued by this "Stories" idea, so I took the day off to write a little drabble for a Simple Pokemon, just to test out how it works. Despite my intentions, I hope that this can turn into a series, because I really liked my tone here, and the characters I created. If people like it—and I would really appreciate if you guys leave a comment or some critiques or something—maybe I'll turn it into a little weekly series or something.

Anyway, really excited to be here and to join this community. :D


Attempted Pokemon: Whismur
Character Count: 10,873

___

God, what a slow day, I thought to myself. Lyre, my Swablu, sat on her perch, singing. I wanted to tell her to be quiet, but I didn’t have the heart. The little blue bird was trying to woo some uppity Braviary in the yard that was lording his stature over all the other Pokemon, which I guess was an attractive quality to her. I didn’t approve, but then again, I didn’t have much say. She was lonely pretty often, being my only Pokemon, and I figured that it would be pretty terrible of me to not allow her any company at all. I ran a hand through my blonde hair, pushing it back down when I was done, and then sighed. Gonna be a long day. Then, unexpectedly, the door opened and the bell chimed. Swablu and I both turned to see. A brunette woman in tight, black business-wear stood in the doorway. There were bags under her eyes, her make-up was done poorly, and her ponytail was lazily tied. She was huffing.

“Hi!” I called to the stranger entering the door. I smoothed down my red apron. “Welcome to Cheery Care Day-Care Center!” I shot the stranger a smile, despite my inner reservations. Why does she look so tired? Maybe a stressful week at the office? Inwardly, I smiled at my rational, totally normal explanation. Being so near Castelia City, we often received customers who just need a vacation from juggling full-time Pokemon care and stressful jobs. Mentally, I turned my attention back to the haggard woman, who had approached the counter at that point. "My name is Shaun. My grandparents own this day-care. What can I do for you?" I asked. I leaned on the counter, the short sleeves of my shirt riding up.

"Would it... Be possible... For me... To... To leave... A Pokemon here?" she huffed out. I noted that wasn't a runner's huff, though. She seemed particularly... Drowsy, I thought. But I didn't say anything. Just smiled and listened. "It would only be for a... A few days. I just... I need a little... A little time off. I'm sure you understand." I smiled at her. She pulled a Nest Ball out and, with a tight grin, she slammed it on the table. Swablu squawked, and jumped on her perch, ruffling her well-managed white feathers. I flinched, my blue eyes squinting, but nothing else. She is very stressed, it seems, I thought. No need to worry, though. I'm sure it's just a normal, everyday Pokemon.

"That is perfectly reasonable. How long will you be gone?" I said, my smile reaching unprecedented levels of falseness. Swablu shook herself in an attempt to fix her manicured feathers, and huffed at the woman's noisemaking.

"No longer than a week," she replied, as she began to turn away and leave.

I called after her. "Wait! You never said what Pokemon it was!"

She reached the doorway, and then stopped, stock-still. She slowly turned around, an eerie smile on her face. Swablu made a small sound of fear behind me. Her smile got wider the more she looked at me, until her teeth were showing. "The Pokemon, Shaun, is a Whismur." And, with that, she turned from the building and ran away, slamming the door behind her.

Swablu and I looked at each other, a wide-eyed expression on both of our faces. "What was that?" I asked. Swablu shrugged her wings in response. We both turned back to the simple Nest Ball, resting on the counter. It had rolled on its side, as if it were a small head, cocked in curiosity. It was a little creepy, to say the least. I reached for the Ball. You're being ridiculous, Shaun, I thought to myself. It's just a Pokemon. A Whismur. It doesn't sound intimidating. It sounds like it couldn't hurt a fly. After my self-induced confidence boost, I walked into the back room, with the Pokeball in hand. Swablu followed me in, and she was there to see me release the Ball's locking mechanism. The capture light flashed and formed on the wood floor. What appeared was probably one of the least intimidating things I had ever seen.

A little pink, round Pokemon sat on stubby feet on the paneling. Its short arms lay at its sides. Its ears were long and cocked, like Buneary ears, mostly pink except for the tips. It had the tiniest little eyes, shaped like crosses, and its mouth was stuck in an open frown. It made these little murmuring sounds that were, to be totally honest, adorable. I "awwed" at it aloud, and Swablu made a little twittering noise from the rafters when she saw the thing. I bent down to talk to it. "Hi, little guy. My name is Shaun," I said, emulating baby-talk. "What's yo—" But I was cut off by the reaction from the Whismur.

Without warning, Whismur's mouth opened up exceedingly wide. I backed up, and then it began to scream. Over the noise, I somehow heard the commotion outside of the other Pokemon. Swablu squawked and flew out of the window to the roof. I held my hands to my ears, in an effort to try and cancel out the sound, but it was impossible. Still trying to cancel out the sound, I ran back through the entrance and out the front door. I looked around for the Whismur's Trainer, but by that point, the woman was long gone, probably having taken a car back to the city. The Whismur's screaming was much quieter from outside the building, but still distinctly audible. I sighed. And here I thought today would be a slow day, I thought ruefully.

"Swablu!" I yelled out, and turned back to the building. She was perched on the roof and, hearing me, fluttered down to rest on my shoulder. "Think you can charge in there and let out a Sing attack? Get it to fall asleep?" I asked, trying to yell over the screaming. She nodded and, sensing my haste, took off through the window she had come out of, earlier. Within minutes, I could hear her soft voice against the Whismur's harsh screech.

When it didn't stop, even after five minutes of her singing, she flew back to me, perching again on my shoulder. She shook her head sadly at me, and I sighed in response. "Let's call Gramps, huh?" I yelled to her. I took out my video phone from my pocket and speed-dialed my grandparents, who had taken the week off from work in order to vacation in Hoenn. The phone took a long time to ring before connecting, and it was my grandmother on the other end of the line. Her gray hair was tied tightly in a bun, and her wrinkled face smiled at me. "Hi, Gran," I yelled into the receiver.

"Hello, Shaunie, dear! What a wonderful surprise! How are you?" she cooed back. I rolled my eyes.

"Not so great, Gran." I sighed. "Can you put Gramps on? It's urgent." She took a second to think about it, my frustration increasing, before walking the phone over to my grandfather, who was in a hot tub of some sort. His bald head was covered in a hot towel, and his mustache was wet. "Hi, Gramps. Nice to see you."

"Hello, boy! How are you? Keeping the place running fine?" he asked, his voice warbling with age. I frowned.

I responded. "About that, Gramps, I—"

"How is that Swablu of yours? I know she's independent, but you have to take very good care of your Pokemon, you know! Especially at a day-care facility! Pokemon hormones go crazy at day-cares, and you wouldn't want to have your poor little Swablu knocked up all of a sudden, now would you?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Gramps. We have a bit of a situation at the day-care. Do you hear that in the background?"

He moved his head closer to the screen. I could see up his nose a little, at that angle, and it was grossing me out a little. "What, that staticky sound?"

"Gramps, it isn't static. It's a Whismur. Have you ever heard of them?" I asked, raising my voice a little.

He nodded a few times, a sage look on his face. "Yes, yes, Whismur. Loud Pokemon, native to the Hoenn region, in fact. They proceed to yell uncontrollably when frightened. I think your grandmother captured one a few years back, when—"

I cut him off. "GRAMPS. Can you shut it up? I tried getting Swablu to use Sing on it, but it didn't fall asleep."

He nodded again, with that stupid look. "Whismur's ability is Soundproof; it is impervious to sound-based attacks, like Sing. You'll have to find some other way to immobilize it."

I huffed. "Can't I just knock out the stupid thing? I mean, it's not like it—"

This time he cut me off. "No, no, no, no, no! You must NOT knock it out! That is against Cheery Care policy! Isn't there some Pokemon in the yard that can stop it?"

I frowned, and closed my eyes in thought. "I dunno, Gramps. There's a Shellder in the pond, I think there's an Ambipom somewhere... There's that stupid Braviary that's positively mesmerized every Pokemon out there."

"The Braviary! Yes! Get Swablu to send him in there! He'll get the job done," he said, and with a mustached smile he called, "Signing out!"

"Wait!" I yelled at the phone, but the screen went black. I put the phone away, and buried my face in my hands. This is ridiculous, I groaned inwardly. I then pulled myself up and turned to Swablu. She looked at me with her little beady eyes, bright and curious. "Think you can go get the Braviary, bring him into the day-care?" I asked her, my voice still raised. How was it still going? I thought. She nodded, and flew behind the building to the yard. I watched her fly, and then proceeded to walk slowly in through the main door of the day-care, wincing as I moved further on. The Whismur still sat on the floor, screaming. Then, without warning, Swablu and the Braviary from outside flew in through the side window and landed in front of the screaming Pokemon. The colorful Braviary adjusted himself on the floor, his head plume shaking, and then began an intricate dance. I only saw from the back, and so my view was obstructed, but it looked pretty interesting. As the danced continued, and he moved out of the way of Whismur, I saw that the small Pokemon was following the Flying-type with its eyes and the screaming had died down a little.

By the time the dance had finished, the Whismur was totally quiet, its eyes locked onto the Braviary. I wandered into the room, now free from any auditory attacks, and turned to the Braviary and Swablu. They high-winged each other and turned back to me. "I get it. So, the reason you've been so popular in the yard is because you use Attract. And that's why Swablu was so infatuated with you." She nodded at me, smiling. "So you came in here and used Attract on the Whismur, and it stopped screaming." I turned to the Whismur then, which was asleep on the floor. I looked for its Pokeball, which had fallen on the floor when I released it, and returned the apparently-female Whismur to her Nest Ball.

I turned back to the Braviary. "Well, thanks for your help," I said gratefully, smiling. He nodded gruffly, and promptly flew out the window. Swablu watched him leave, and then jumped up to perch on my shoulder. "Hey, girlie." She tweeted back at me. "Can we go to bed now? It's been a long day." She twittered in response, and we walked upstairs to the bedrooms, the day over.

Claiming! n~n

Plot:

Awwwh I loved this cute plot! I thoroughly enjoyed Swablu's little meeting with the Braviary, and of how you connected the latter Pokemon to the conclusion of the story. It's always nice to bring the story together somehow, and I felt like this extra little detail really did that! You provided the right background information for Shaun, and it's clear that the grandparents are fascinating, comical figures in themselves. You've created some interesting characters with Shaun and Swablu that I would love to see in future stories! Also quickly, I liked how you implemented Whismur's ability into this story. It shows great consideration of the author to do that, and it made sense for the plot! Bonus!

I noticed that you wanted to turn this into a series! I love that! However, my one suggestion is that the plot must get more involved for Pokemon of higher rank. Also, if you were to have a Daycare series, I would just advise to be careful not to over use the same type of plot idea used in this story. I mean, you can tweak this plot line (trainer brings in a Pokemon to the Daycare, adventure ensues) in so many different ways, but just make sure that every plot ends up being unique in its own way! If I'm explaining this as poorly as I think I am, please feel free to VM me or send an AIM message so I can explain better. xD;; Anyway, I loved this story, and I hope you write more!

Description:

It had rolled on its side, as if it was a small head, cocked in curiosity.

I said, my smile reaching unprecedented levels of falseness.

I loved the way you described things! You managed to make description both comical while complete. The above two tidbits of description were my favorites in the story! I also want to commend you on your usage of description - you used just the right amount of description in just the right places. Whismur's description was thorough while the other pieces of description were enough to keep the short story going. My only qualm is that we had no complete picture of Shaun. Normally, describing characters as "blond" with the apron at the simple rank is perfectly fine! However, because Shaun is the main character, and because this main character is likely to appear in a series, we needed to have more information. Description is not only made of a character's actions (which were quite comical!) but also of how he or she appears.

Grammar:

I only caught one tiny grammatical error in the first paragraph, and I would feel ridiculous even bringing that up. The only main grammar thing I would bring up here is the use of ellipsis.

"Would it... Be possible... For me... To... To leave... A Pokemon here?" she huffed out. I noted that wasn't a runner's huff, though. She seemed particularly... Drowsy, I thought. But I didn't say anything. Just smiled and listened. "It would only be for a... A few days. I just... I need a little... A little time off. I'm sure you understand."

Typically, we usually don't want to use more than one or two sets of ellipsis at a time. One set of ellipsis provides the emphasis that this crazy woman is haggard enough. Although not necessarily incorrect, the extra ellipsis is just not necessary. If placing an ellipsis, I would just advise to use one where the emphasis is needed most.

"Would it be possible for me to leave...a Pokemon here?" she huffed out. I noted that wasn't a runner's huff, though. She seemed particularly... drowsy, I thought. But I didn't say anything. Just smiled and listened. "It would only be for a few days. I just need a little...time off. I'm sure you understand."

Other than this, you have a very clear and consistent grasp on grammar. Great job here!

Length:

Yay! I love seeing people shooting for that higher end of the character count! In terms of literal length, you exceeded expectations! In terms of pacing, I thought this short story moved at just the right pace. There was enough time for comedy, but nothing dragged on, and nothing went too quickly. Great job!

Outcome:

Whismur Absolutely Captured! Yay! It's clear that you have talent as a writer and even more so, a lot of potential to really write some amazing stories. Keep doing what you do, because you're doing an awesome job at it! Hope to see you in this section more, and have a great time with your Whismur!