The Day I Killed Santa(Gift)

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  1. #1
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default The Day I Killed Santa(Gift)

    This is ready for grading. Please grade it before gift claiming on the 26th.

    It was Christmas eve. A little girl, Shadow, crept down the staircase. The living room was glowing with light from the fire. The tree stood in the left corner and was visible from the stairs. There were little lights strung all over it, with ornaments of all shapes, sizes, and colors. Long dark brown hair tumbled around a pretty face still round with baby fat. Large brown eyes took on a orange gleam as the fire reflected off them. Shadow gasped as she saw a man in red and white bending over near the fireplace. She slipped down the stairs and looked at the man.

    “Who are you?” she said, startling the man. He jumped, banging his head on the top of the fireplace. He fell backwards, nearly flattening Shadow. Stunned, Shadow just looked at the man.

    “Death!” She cried, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. At once, her older brother, Deathius, came running down the stairs. His inky black hair fell into his blue eyes. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and pulled his white T-shirt down over his black pajama pants.

    “What is it, Firebird?” Deathius used the pet name he had come up with for his sister.

    “I think I killed Santa!” Shadow shut her eyes as more tears leaked out. Deathius wiped her tears away with his shirt.

    “Calm down, Firebird. You didn’t kill anyone.” Deathius gave his sister a quick hug before peering over at the man on the floor. He was laying on his stomach, so Deathius rolled him over. Shadow looked at him. He had dark skin and really long black hair. He wasn’t fat, Shadow noticed. Santa was fat. Was this guy really Santa? He had to be, Shadow decided. He was dressed in red and white, wasn’t he? She thought to herself.

    “Dang, Firebird. What did you do to him?” Deathius looked over at her.

    “I asked him who he was. Then he died.” Shadow’s lower lip trembled as tears threatened to spill over.

    “He’s not dead, just unconscious.” Unconscious. Shadow whispered the word to herself as she poked Santa Claus. “Stop that!” Deathius whispered, frowning. Shadow poked him again.

    “Firebird,” Deathius warned. “Stop that.”

    “I’m sorry. I just wanted to touch dead Santa.”

    “What am I going to do with you, Firebird?” He sighed, rubbing his hand against his temple. The little voice inside Shadow’s head told her to poke dead Santa again. Making sure that Deathius wasn’t looking before she sank her finger into his side.

    “Kid, you got to stop doing that.” The man moaned, rubbing his head. Shadow stared at him for a few seconds before screaming. Her scream jolted Deathius out of the dream he had just been having.

    “Firebird!” Deathius rushed over to Shadow, who was hiding in a corner. “What’s wrong?”

    “Santa’s not dead!” she yelled, terrified. “He’s definitely not dead, Death.”

    “Shush, Firebird,” Deathius said. “Take my hand and we’ll find him.” Scooping up her favorite stuffed animal, Shadow grasped Deathius’ pinkie finger. For every step Deathius took, Shadow had to take three. She frowned as she tried to keep up. They entered the living room again.

    “See? He’s gone! I think he wants to kill us in return for killing him.” Shadow peeked behind her to make sure Santa wasn’t sneaking up to stab them.

    “Where do you get these ideas? And even if he wanted revenge, you’d be the one he’d kill since you killed him.” Deathius whispered.

    “They just pop in my head,” Shadow replied. “Usually when I’m going potty. And you just said he didn’t die.” Deathius sighed when he heard his sister’s words.

    “Dad,” Deathius looked up at the ceiling. “Why did you have to die and leave me with Shadow?”

    “Because you need to exorcist some patience.” Shadows smiled up at her brother.

    “It’s exercise.” Deathius ruffled her hair.

    “Oh. Is he still going to kill us?”

    “No, Firebird.”

    “All right, but when I die, I’m going to haunt you for the rest of your life.” Deathius looked down at his four year old sister, who was all wide eyed innocence. “Since we’re here now, can we open presents?” Shadow gave Deathius a smile.

    “No. We still have to find Santa, remember?”

    “Oh, yeah. He’s hiding behind the couch.”

    “What?” Deathius let go of Shadow’s hand and peeked around the couch. Sure enough, Santa was hiding behind it. “Who are you?” He demanded.

    “I’m your uncle, Ronnie. I decided since your parents died I would bring you presents to get over the pain.”

    “Mom died four years ago. Dad died two years after.”

    “Oh. I thought it happened this year.”

    “Get out.”

    “Right, kid.” The man, Ronnie, hitched his pants up. “You might want to keep an eye out for that one. She’s going to end up murdering someone.”

    “Out!” Deathius pointed to the front door, a few feet away.
    ____________________________________________________

    Shadow hopped out of bed, screaming in delight as she ran down the hall to the living room. She found the gifts with her name on them, beautifully wrapped. She tore open the boxes and screamed even louder. One was a Poke Ball. Shadow smoothed her hand over the red and white ball. She pressed the button in the middle. Red light shot out and a small orange Pokemon came out. It had wings that fluttered so fast. The little Pokemon had three faces that grinned at her.

    “Death!” Shadow shouted. “Look what I got for Christmas!”

    “Yeah,” Deathius’ voice came from behind her. “It’s a Combee.”
    ____________________________________________________

    “What happened then?” Dante’s voice broke through the illusion my story had made. I frowned. He looked like a little boy, even though he was sixteen. Dante had white hair, pure green eyes, and pale skin.

    “Well, A few days later, my Combee splattered all over someone's windshield.” My face fell at the memory. “Poor Honey died.” That was what I had named her.

    “Oh, my gosh,” Dante said, his jaw dropping. “It died?”

    “Yup.”

    “Broken Shadows Phoenix, I know you are not telling lies to Dante.”

    “It’s not a lie if he believes them!” I grinned as I raced away from my angry uncle, Valkyrian. His dark green eyes held a world of emotions. “And that’s how I killed Santa!” I called over my shoulder. I raced on until I fell into a creek. I guess that’s what I got for lying. Being me was so hard.

    Last edited by CrazyLilChicken; 25th December 2012 at 10:03 PM.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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  2. #2
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Day I Killed Santa(Gift)

    Claiming upon request. Grade should be up later today. (:


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  3. #3
    i'm wide awake Felly's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Day I Killed Santa(Gift)

    WOO GRADED! :D

    Introduction
    Hee hee, little Shadow is so adorable. :3 I loved the story, haha. It has a nice comedic touch, and it's just really, really adorable. It shows the fun side of Shadow, which I like, since compared to your other stories, she's usually more serious and all.

    I'm glad "Santa's" not really dead. xD WHO WOULD BRING OUR PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS DAY IF HE WAS?! But the story's got a nice little plot centered around Shadow, her brother Deathius, and Uncle Ronnie aka "Santa." I liked how it was a flashback to her childhood; I wasn't expecting that, to be honest. Not sure why, but I just wasn't. The fact that it was a flashback made it all the more interesting. Nice job!

    Detail
    I've already told you countless times you have good detail, so I'll leave this section short and sweet. I quite liked how adorable four year old Shadow was, and I loved the Christmas tree's description. :3 You're really good at describing stuff, which is really awesome!

    Grammar
    Okay! You'll probably be overjoyed to hear this, and you'll probably have to read it twice to actually believe me. The grammar for this story was awesome! (: Yeah, you read that right. It was awesome! There's only a couple things I want to point out, but other than the two things I'm going to point out below, the grammar for this story was good! You're improving, which is fantastic!

    “Santa’s not dead!” She yelled, terrified. “He’s definitely not dead, Death.”
    First thing of note here would be the capitalization of "she." It doesn't need to be capitalized since it follows what Shadow said. Secondly, the period after "terrified" should be a period, and you wouldn't capitalize "he." So it should look like this instead:
    "Santa's not dead!" she yelled, terrfied, "he's definitely not dead, Death."

    Hopefully that makes sense. :3 But otherwise, nice work on the grammar!

    Climax
    So after Uncle Ronnie is so nicely told to leave Deathius and Shadow's home, Christmas day rolls around. The excited four year old Shadow runs downstairs, opens her presents, and finds a Poke Ball. Inside said Poke Ball is a Combee that she nicknames Honey.

    Move on to present time where an older Shadow's telling Dante about what happened to said Combee. I feel bad for the poor Combee. IT BARELY HAD A LIFE. THE POOR BEE. ;~; Nevertheless, it was a nice ending despite what happened to Honey. I liked it, so nice job here!

    Conclusion
    I get 6096 characters for the story, which is in the range for the bee. You're good on length.

    I'll keep the rest of this section short and sweet since you probably just want to know if you captured the Combee or not. Everything was good, and your grammar is improving! Yay! I'll leave it at that since I don't want to sound like a broken record or anything. Combee is captured, so hopefully the lovely recipient of this gift appreciates the bee. Happy holidays! (:


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  4. #4
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Day I Killed Santa(Gift)

    My grammar is improving! Cue the tears!
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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