The Day After

Results 1 to 3 of 3

Thread: The Day After

  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    248

    Default The Day After

    The Day After
    First Story :) Pokemon trying to catch : Caterpie
    Character count of story: 3202

    Once upon a time there was a pokemon trainer called Jimmy. He was a very good trainer but only had 1 pokemon Eevee and he had never had a battle but every night they would watch the sun set together. Then one night the trainer asked Eevee “Do you believe in dreams?”the Eevee just sat and nodded his head “The reason I am asking is that I have had a dream it was yesterday i dreamt that we catched a pokemon” said Jimmy.Jimmy believed dreams were always true and believed this one was true to.

    “Morning already” Jimmy said as he woke up before going downstairs to see if Eevee was there however Eevee was not.Jimmy looked outside there Eevee was doing some training in the garden “Eevee” he said happily waving his hand out the window “Wait for me Eevee” he went outside “Eevee?” Evee was not there “Eevee where are you?” he was starting to panic “Eevee?” he said worried then he saw something move “Eevee is that you” but it wasn't it was a wild Caterpie moving along the grass if only Eevee was here we could battle this pokemon he thought.

    Away in the woods where Eevee was practicing it seems when he saw Jimmy he ran away to get stronger so they could win a battle.He was using Take Down on trees trying to get better then once when he was using Take Down he hut a other pokemon a Caterpie.Eevee tried his best to say sorry but the Caterpie wouldn't listen the Caterpie got angry it started to attack however Eevee didn't want to battle it wanted to practice but it was getting hurt and it couldn't protect its self.

    Back at the house Jimmy was looking for Eevee then he thought “Maybe Eevee is training somewhere else now” so off he was looking for Eevee.He looked every where but he couldn't find Eevee but there was one place he hadn't looked the woods as soon as he noticed he looked there but the woods were to big there was no way he could look everywhere “Eevee” he shouted walking around.Eevee noticed the voice as soon as he noticed it he followed it the Caterpie was following him he saw Jimmy finally then Jimmy saw him.Next Jimmy saw the Caterpie he thought Eevee's first batle this is going to be great!

    Eevee wondered what Jimmy was thinking then he remembered his first battle.Eevee was ready to battle Caterpie.Caterpie used Tackle but Eevee dodged then Eevee used Quick Attack it hit but did little damage on Caterpie.Caterpie used Bug Bite it hut Eevee hard it looked like this would be over however Eevee didn't give up he used Take Down the move he practiced it hurt Caterpie but Eevee as well. Jimmy saw how well Eevee was doing on his own he was very suprised Jimmy shouted “Eevee dont give up ” he tried his best but he couldn't get up nether could Caterpie it looked like a draw then just at that moment both got up Caterpie used tackle,Eevee used tackle it was a contest of who was more powerful.They clashed and it was a tie “Eevee great job” but at that very moment Eevee got up barely Caterpie was down it was clear who won “Eevee you won” Jimmy said happily he then said “Pokeball Gooo” the pokeball caught it but it began shaken then it stoped and Caterpie was caught “I just caught Caterpie” yelled Jimmy as he done a pose he then returned Eevee to its pokeball.
    Last edited by bestyxD; 2nd November 2012 at 04:27 PM.

  2. #2
    NSFA Not Safe For Adults's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Gender
    Female
    Location
    Pacific Northwest
    Posts
    89
    Blog Entries
    1

    Default Re: The Day After

    Introduction: We are introduced to a Pokemon trainer named Jimmy who had a dream that he and his Eevee would catch a Pokemon and finally have their first battle. The premise is simple, but that is fine for an Easiest level Pokemon like Caterpie. The problem is I had no idea where the story was taking place, what Jimmy looked like, or really any details about him other than that he was a trainer. It's important to describe those details, as I'm sure you have a strong mental picture of Jimmy and the surrounding area in your head, you just need to describe that mental picture to the reader so that they can see it too.

    Plot: The plot of the story is very simple, Eevee goes missing and Jimmy runs out looking for it. Eevee accidentally attacks a Caterpie when it is practicing its Take Down attack and that results in Jimmy and Eevee having to battle it. For Caterpie I think this plot line is fine as everything made sense and the pacing of the events in the story was just right. Just remember that as you try for harder Pokemon you need more fleshed-out plot lines. Otherwise good job here!

    Grammar: Here is the boring part of the grade, but there were a lot of grammatical errors here that need fixing, so on top of being boring this section will also be a little longer. Sorry about that haha. Hopefully this will be helpful though. =)

    The following are some rules for using quotation marks. This is tricky for everyone so don't feel bad. I certainly had my fair share of trouble with this when I started writing lol.

    1. If you start a sentence using dialogue, but the sentence continues after the end of the dialogue, you have to use a comma before the last quotation mark, and then continue the sentence. For example: "That was so lame," the boy said.

    2.
    Back at the house Jimmy was looking for Eevee then he thought “Maybe Eevee is training somewhere else now” so off he was looking for Eevee.
    If dialogue is being used in the middle of a sentence, you need to use a comma before the first quotation mark, and before the last quotation mark. Here is the fixed version (the fixes made in bold).
    Back at the house Jimmy was looking for Eevee then he thought, “Maybe Eevee is training somewhere else now,” so off he was looking for Eevee.
    Although the sentence can be tweaked a bit to make it less complicated, that gives you the general idea of what you need to do.

    3. If the sentence does not continue after the dialogue ends, then you need to capitalize the sentence coming afterward. For example:
    The boy yelled, "Don't forget what I told you!" Then he ran off.

    Hopefully these little rules help you out a bit in the future. If you need any help figuring out what is and is not correct you can always PM me your question and I'll answer it for you. I'm always happy to help with stuff like this. In general, just remember to go over your story to look for errors before posting it, or ask a grader to proofread it before you post it up. Don't be afraid to do that, as we are always willing to help out!

    I also noticed a lot of run-on sentences in your work. These are when the sentence seems to go on despite having obvious points where they should be stopped. A good way to notice these is to read the story out loud, that way you will notice what sentences are too long. To fix these, just break the sentence up into sections. Here's one I found from your story that is easily fixed:
    Eevee tried his best to say sorry but the Caterpie wouldn't listen the Caterpie got angry it started to attack however Eevee didn't want to battle it wanted to practice but it was getting hurt and it couldn't protect its self.
    That's the original, and this is the broken up version:
    Eevee tried his best to say sorry but the Caterpie wouldn't listen. The Caterpie got angry. It started to attack, however Eevee didn't want to battle. It wanted to practice but it was getting hurt and it couldn't protect its self.
    Very easy to fix, just sometimes hard to notice. Anyway, for your first story I'm not going to really pay too much attention to this section as everyone makes these mistakes when they first start. ;p

    Description: There wasn't too much description, but again, it's your first story so this is just a matter of testing the water and learning what we graders want from you, so I'm not really going to judge you harshly here. When writing future stories, make sure to describe the appearance of the main character, and even their Pokemon's appearances. Although the people reading your story probably know what a certain Pokemon looks like, it's always nice to be given a little refresher. Also, think of the following questions as you write: What does the setting look like? Is my character experiencing a strong wind, or are they being assaulted with bad smells? Try to describe the five senses of smell, sight, sound, taste, and touch.

    Battle: This was very even-sided, which I liked. Good job with that. However don't say that you captured the Pokemon, always keep that ambiguous until you get a grade. Then you can add an ending to your story if you want where the Pokemon got captured. Until then though, it's all up in the air.

    My suggestions for future battles are to not only name what attacks are being used, but describe what they look like. You did a nice job of showing how the attacks damaged the Pokemon though, so that's all good.

    Length: It's a little short, remember to keep it within the suggested limits in the sticky.

    Overall: It's your first story so I'm not going to grade you harshly. Just keep in mind the above suggestions for when you write again in the future. I think you have a lot of potential and I definitely want to see you post more stories here on the forums.

    Caterpie captured! Have a fun time raising the little bug. =)

  3. #3
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Gender
    Male
    Posts
    248

    Default Re: The Day After

    Thanks for the feedback
    will keep everything in mind for next story=)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •