Dawn of a Grand Adventure Ch 2 Complete [GRADE PENDING]

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  1. #1
    Registered User Haxaurus4's Avatar
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    Leaving Accumula Town

    Default Dawn of a Grand Adventure Ch 2 Complete [GRADE PENDING]

    Pokémon: Lillipup
    Difficulty: Simple (5k-10k)
    Char. Count: 6073

    Note: This is a multi-part story. I will write it into 9 sections (threads), representing the badges and the Elite 4. Each section will have about 3-5 chapters.

    Chapter 1: A New Pokémon Journey!

    The rising sun shone over the beautiful region of Unova as a young boy named Damin wakes up out of his bed. It's mornin' already? thought the boy as he rubbed his steel-blue eyes. As the boy stumbled out of his bed, a small, toddler-like Pokémon ran through his door with a big grin over it's face. HI! You're awake! You're awake! Yay! cried the little Pokémon joyfully as he jumped at the ruffle-haired boy. Hello, Rufus, replied the boy, Ready for our big day? Rufus rapidly nodded it’s head. Oh boy! You'll finally be a Trainer and I'll finally be a real BIG Pokémon like my daddy! Rufus, the male Ralts, screamed with excitement as Damin put on his Trainer gear, which he recieved as a gift from his father a few days back.

    Damin never really knew his father very well as he was always out, exploring other regions and conducting research. Whenever he came back home for a break, he would bring a souvenir from where ever he had been. His last exploration was in the Hoenn region, discovering markings left by its ancient Pokémon and researching the behaviour patterns of native Pokémon. When he arrived back home, he came with his usual number Pokémon and his explorers bag, but he brought home one extra Pokéball. "Damin," he had said, "I think it's time." "Time for what?" Damin had replied. His father chuckled and said, "Time to become a real Pokémon Trainer, my boy". His father presented him a Pokémon and some gear. "This Pokéball contains the Pokémon Ralts. It will serve you well as my Gallade has served me well" That had been one of Damin's most memorable days of his life.

    He walked up to the Lab, as had his father before him, walked through the glass double-doors. "Hello Damin," said a female voice, "and welcome to the Pokémon Laboratory. I'm Professor Juniper and I will aid you on your Pokémon journey." Damin didn’t notice what she had said as he was staring in awe of all the contraptions in the vast building. Some appeared to show data from various experiments, others with images of various Pokémon. "Damin!" called out Professor Juniper. Damin immediately turned with the green-haired Pokémon in his arms. When Professor Juniper was sure her newest trainer was attentive, she started. "Before I give you the Pokédex, you must answer a single question so I can ensure you won't misuse it. Do you understand?" Damin nodded his head. I do too! cried the little Ralts excitedly. "Ok. Here's the question. What do you think Pokémon are to you?" Juniper posed. Damin thought this through for a while, and then answered, "Pokémon...are like family to me. They are always there for you. They understand you. You can talk to them and they can help you out." Professor Juniper raised her eyes in surprise. What an interesting answer, she mused, just like his father . "Ok. You are worthy. Here is your Pokédex. It will help you on your journey. Along with this," Professor Juniper walked up to her main desk, which was covered with research, and pick out a little, hand-worn device with a screen. It was equipped with a speaker protruding out its lower side and buttons along its right. "This, Damin, is the Cross-Transceiver or X-transceiver for short. It allows you to contact other people with X-transceivers and talk from long distances." Damin looked in awe of this small device. Who knew something so small could do such a big job? "I'm counting on you to do well, Damin," said Professor Juniper, " When you reach Striation City, don’t forget to talk to Professor Fennel, a colleague of mine. She’ll help you further! Make your parents proud! " and Damin exited the Laboratory.

    This is it , Damin thought to Rufus, You ready, little guy? The small psychic excitedly replied, I'll always be ready! Let's GO! The newly-titled Trainer and his young Pokémon took their first steps into the grand region of Unova.

    As Damin walk along Route 1 with his Ralts in his arms, he notices some grass that was taller than usual. Should we check it out? asked Damin. Rufus replied, Why not? We ARE on an adventure now, so we should explore EVERY inch of Unova, starting with this! So Damin and Rufus walked into the grass and they hardly took a step when a small dog jumped out in front of them, its small teeth bare and it's shaggy, hay-coloured fur reared. Ready?, thought out Damin. Ready!, replied the small Ralts "GO, RUFUS!" exclaimed Damin as his Ralts jumped out, onto the ground and ready for action. Just before any Pokémon could make a move, Damin remembered his Pokédex and brought it out. As he brought it out, it started scanning the wild dog. When the Pokédex finished scanning, it stated what it was. "Lillipup," it stated in a computerised voice, "the Puppy Pokémon. It faces strong opponents with great courage. But, when at a disadvantage in a fight, this intelligent Pokémon flees." Whoa. Way cool, thought the young trainer when he was interrupted by an angry thought. CAN I BATTLE NOW? , exclaimed the small but psychically loud Pokémon. Alright! You can go now, but be weary; it might run , replied Damin, so give Lillipup all ya got! The little Pokémon squealed out, OKAY! , then focused himself on the battle ahead. CONFUSION!, squealed Rufus in his thoughts and he sent a weak but disruptive psychic attack towards the little dog. The Lillipup yelped and prepared to flee when Rufus used Confusion again, downing the poor Pokémon. Okay. Good job, Rufus. For your first battle, you did good, said Damin as he prepared to capture the downed Pokémon. He then realised he never got any Pokéballs. What?! No Pokéballs? Now what am I gonna-- then, a brilliant idea popped in the young trainers head. Hey, Rufus? asked Damin but without success. Rufus was too busy celebrating its first victory. RUFUS! screamed Damin, which caught the little psychic off guard, causing it to fall. Damin felt ashamed that he caused his Ralts to trip over so he asked him if he was alright. I’m good. I’m not hurt, replied the dumbstruck Pokémon, So, what did you want me for? Damin stated his plan of using Ralts Telepathy ability to talk the wild Pokémon into joining their party. You think you can do it, Rufus? Damin asked his young buddy. Rufus pondered it for some time, then thought out, Shouldn’t be too hard. After all, he and I are both Pokémon.

    Rufus walked up to the injured Lillipup and said to it, You okay? Hope I didn’t hit you too hard before. The sore Lillipup immediately pricked its ears when it heard the Ralts voice resound in its head. Who’s that I hear?, cried the furry dog in a shrill voice, rapidly moving as if it had never gotten hurt in battle. The Lillipup stopped as soon as it caught sight of Damin and Rufus. When the Ralts noticed the fear in its thoughts, he quickly shouted telepathically, No! Don’t run! We’re friends. Do you wanna come with us? Come stay and play? When the Lillipup heard play, she suddenly became playful, Play? Please play with me? I’m bored. The other Lillipup don’t like me very much. Rufus said what the shaggy-haired dog had said to Damin and he agreed to play with the small pup. He picked up a stick that was lying around and played ‘Fetch’ with the young Lillipup. She enjoyed it so much, she was wagging her tail wildly. After they had played, Damin asked the small pup, “Do you wanna come with us, Lilly?” The Lillipup thought about it, wondering if it she should just go with Damin or stay in Route 1...
    Last edited by Haxaurus4; 19th June 2011 at 02:13 AM.

  2. #2
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: Dawn of a Grand Adventure [GRADE PENDING]

    Here's the grade, enjoy it.

    Intro: This intro takes place at the beginning of day. When you combine it with the title of the story, it does seem like a suitable time for its beginning, especially with the dawn part. Nice tie in there.

    As for the introduction itself, I felt it had a bit too much description. Description in the beginning isn't really something I like. Why? It's because we're still learning what is being brought to the plate in the story, so there's not much room to learn about the food on the plate. That's for when we know much more, and are ready to take in the information. Unless you execute in such a way it covers both at the same time with balance, which is great. This story didn't really have that feel though to me with its intro, it seemed more description than what is happening.

    Still though, I do like that the story starts at the point when the main character wakes up, since many great adventures do start that way. I also like the way it starts out much like a regular 'main' game in Pokémon, just focus on putting more attention on the what than the about until you get a bit more into the story next time.

    Plot: This chapter, in a nutshell, describes the point from the beginning of a boy's adventure up until his first capture on Route 1, which may or may not be successful. It's not that creative, but still, how standard it is does still provoke memories to appear in my mind of the Red/Blue days, which gives a nice memory.

    The pacing of this story in the beginning is pretty slow. It shows hefty conversations in the lab, which took a large chunk of the story, the time taken for Lillipup to appear in the exploring part did the same. That's not a bad thing mostly, but some of the petty details and objects that made no contribution really made the plot seem a bit boring. Then again, most of those objects may make an appearance later, but they could also be introduced later with making the moment seem like a 'you only see a couple details' thing.

    The end part went by really quickly, and that's really a shame, since that part is the most important part of the story. While you should take out the details from the not so important parts, details for the very important parts (like the possible capture in this story) are key to great writing. Where could you have expanded? Well, you could have elaborated on how the Lillipup had no friends, and could have had a whole attitude change, like a 'too cool for school' or 'I'll do it, not that it seems cool to me' (or fetch in this situation) to a 'maybe you aren't so lame' sort of way, or in a way that Lillipup really warmed up to you. Those plots do bring a sort of original sense in, rather than a 'I walk onto a route, I see something, I catch it!' plot, you know?

    Something else I'd like to say, it's probably best to cut down the text blocks (paragraphs) that are present. I was told that the general rule was one line of speech per paragraph, so as to make the story easier to read. Otherwise, the block of text makes the story take longer to complete and may bore out the reader prior to said completion.

    I still do like your plot, even though how you presented it was not as great, so don't be too down from what's shown here.

    Grammar/Spelling: I did see one repeating error in this chapter, but it's really not too major, so you did a good job here.

    One was your capitalizing the first letter in dialogue. You see, if a dialogue was halted in the middle, or started later in the sentence, after the comma and the quotation mark, you would have a lowercase letter, since it's a sort of continuation of a sentence.

    Description: You did well here -- for the most part. One problem I noticed was your description of Ralts. A small toddler is not exactly a great enough description, as it does not give a strong enough image. Elekid, Magby, Happiny, and all the others can also fall under this jurisdiction, so describing color and shape might be a bit better. Later, you did give it the description of green haired, but that still is a bit vague, since now we could think of Larvitar, Bellsprout, or something else. Besides, Ralts is categorized as White in the Dex, so calling it white and green might have helped a bit, or white with a green helmet. You did call it Psychic later as well, but then we could have thought of Solosis.

    Those might be unlikely thoughts, and I might be going a bit hard on you, but they are possible. Still, like I said, you did a good job here for the most part.

    Speaking: You did well enough here, for the only error I noticed here I noted in the Grammar section. Good job.

    Reality: You did very well here, possibly because you had based this a lot on the start of the Black and White games. That's one thing that a journey plot helps with.

    Battle: The only battle in this story was Rufus, the Ralts of the main character, against Lillipup, the target of the story and the first wild seen by the main character. It's awfully short, since Ralts quickly wore it down, making Lillipup start to flee. My only problem with it is that you didn't describe the second Confusion. Even if you already described it, it might be best to say something along the lines of 'another wave of psychic power hit the little dog'. That's my only problem here though, so don't feel too down about it.

    Length: The minimum length recommended for a story of this category is 5000 characters, or 5K. You gave about 1000 more, which is great, since it shows you didn't just aim for going above the needed amount of characters.

    Outcome: Lillipup is

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?

    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  3. #3
    Registered User Haxaurus4's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dawn of a Grand Adventure Ch 2 Complete [GRADE PENDING]

    Here it is! Chapter 2 of my URPG story. Hope the audience enjoys it and the grader thinks it's enough for the catch (or should I say catches)

    Pokemon: Caterpie (Easiest) and Weedle (Easiest)
    Character Target: 6k - 10k (3k - 5k) + (3k + 5k)
    Actual Characters: 12,435

    Chapter 2: Rumble in Accumula Town!

    A triumphant young trainer named Damin was happily striding along a peaceful Route 1, with the greenery blooming and the grass swaying gently in the wind. Rufus, the green haired, white clothed Ralts, and Lilly, the caramel shaggy Lillipup, were by his side, as he headed for the town ahead.

    Sweet! I’ve caught a Pokémon for the first time! That was...EXILARATING! the shaggy-haired boy thought.

    His journey as a Pokémon trainer has barely started yet the young trainer already has two Pokémon in his team. His excitement was short-lived, however, as he noticed what sounded like a brawl up ahead, in a town that was mostly cement with buildings of varying elevation.??

    [I]A Pokémon battle...in Accumula Town?[I] Damin pondered the scenario as he ran towards to the crowd surrounding the two trainers. He may never have visited the town but his history books have shown Accumula town as a peaceful one.

    Should we really check it out? asked Lilly to Rufus, who relayed it to Damin. The boy was too focused on the fight to notice Rufus, which frustrated the two small Pokémon as they tried to catch up to the young trainer.

    “BLAZIKEN, USE FLARE BLITZ!” screamed one of the battling trainers. Damin barely managed to get a glimpse before he saw a fiery-furred Pokémon ignite in flares and charge at its foe.

    “Weezing, dodge, and then use smokescreen!” cried the other trainer, who appeared to be in a full-body uniform coloured scarlet with a white ‘C’ on it. The foes Pokémon looked like a miniature purple planet with poison smoke coming out of it many geysers.

    The foes Pokémon flew to one side then started spewing out a dense cloud of gas that no-one could see through until the oddly-dressed trainer fled too far to catch.

    “You’ll never see the last of Team Chaos!” cried the cowardly trainer in a manical voice. “We’ll destroy the delicate ecosystem of Unova and cause Pokémon to turn on one another!” He cackled as he disappeared into the distance.

    “Venomous worm,” muttered the green clad trainer under his breath as he sent his kung fu chicken back into a spherical object, called a Pokéball, half red and half white with a button in the middle.

    “Who does he think he is, speaking of introducing Pokémon from other regions into a whole new environment?” He stopped fuming as he noticed Damin and his two Pokémon.

    “Well hello there, young trainer,” greeted the furious trainer. “Damin, I presume?” The boy was surprised he knew his name. How’d he know my name? thought Damin as he shook the fellow trainers hand. “Yeah. I’m Damin. I just came from—“

    “Nuvema Town. I know,” interrupted the young man. “Professor Juniper told me all about you.” That explains it, Damin thought. He would’ve asked for the trainer’s name but Rufus came out first.

    Hi, mystery man! I’m Rufus and this is Lilly! the psychic called out as he introduced himself and his newest friend. What’s your name?

    Heh. I remember when my Blaziken was this small and jolly, mused the trainer. “I’m Doran. I’ve only just become a ranger of these parts but I learn fast.”

    A ranger, huh? thought the brown-haired youngster. Doran continued, “I’ve been a trainer for about 6 months now and I wanted something else to aspire to. So I became a ranger, since I care about the environment and the Pokémon in it and all...” Doran would’ve continued but he realised the young trainer and his Pokémon appeared bored.

    “Sorry,” apologised the tanned ranger, “but sometimes I get excited and start blabbing on.” He appeared ashamed so Damin helped him out.

    “It’s ok Doran. You’re the first trainer I’ve met, other than my dad, and the first ranger. You also looked like you did well against that odd person before.” The young trainer hoped these words would uplift his newest friend and it did. So much so that Doran asked if he could accompany Damin on his Pokémon journey.

    “If I come with, it would help us both. I could help you with your Pokémon journey while you could help me deal with any threats that are around.”

    Damin thought this through and asked his companions. I’m good with it, Lilly exclaimed. Same here. After all, the more, the merrier, right? Rufus accepted cheerfully.

    So Damin accepted the proposal and Doran was introduced into the group. They were about to set off when Damin remembered he had no Pokéballs. Doran shrugged this off and said, “Take these. I’ve got plenty more and you need ‘em more than me.” Damin accepted the gift and put them into the Balls pocket of his bag.

    “However,” continued Doran,” I think we’ll need to head off to the Pokémon Centre first. My Blaziken’s worn out and your pals don’t look too sharp either.” Damin turned to his party of Pokémon and saw Doran’s point. Rufus’ white robe appeared not-so-white and Lilly looked a bit worn herself from the battle earlier.

    “Okay. I guess you’re right,” accepted Damin and the company headed off to the building with the many windows and red roof. When they passed by the automatic doors, Damin was awestruck.

    Damin looked around and took in all the sights. He saw a Pokémart to his left, with items aplenty and two friendly shop-keepers behind the bench, and a resting area to his right, with a magazine rack and a comfortable leather couch. He also saw steps that lead to a communication facility with several tubes leading to who-know-where.

    While Damin spun round, catching the sights of the glorious Pokémon hospital, Doran led the team to the counter, where a young woman with red hair and beautiful skin stood.

    “Good morning, Doran,” greeted the young nurse, “and who might this be?”

    “Mornin’ Joy. This is a new trainer from Nuvema called Damin,” the cheerful ranger replied. Noticing the boy was still staring at the centre in awe, Doran lightly prodded the boy on the shoulder. This shook the boy from his daze, making Nurse Joy giggle.

    “Sorry, ma’am,” the boy apologised in his most sincere voice. “It’s just that I’ve never seen a building this big...or this well furnished!”

    “It’s ok, Damin,” replied the kind woman. “Everyone I’ve met, besides my family, thinks the same thing. Doran here is no exception.” This made Damin laugh, which embarrassed the ranger slightly.

    “Okay,” said Joy, “Enough of the chit-chat. I know you’re here to fix your Pokémon up. So, if you could hand your Pokémon over, I’ll get started right away.”

    Doran obliged readily, but Damin felt uneasy about this. The ranger noticed this and tried to set the young trainers mind at ease. “Don’t worry. I remember feeling like this the first time Joy asked me for my Pokémon. You can trust her,” the kind trainer said calmly. This made Damin feel better and he asked his Pokémon to follow the nurse.

    “Don’t worry, guys,” Damin said to his pals. “This nice young lady will make you feel better.” After this, the small psychic and shaggy pup walked off to Nurse Joy. “Okay. Time to fix you guys up

    After an hour of waiting, Damin was getting fidgety. As Doran noticed this, he tried to calm Damin down, but before he had a chance of doing this, the young Nurse came out with the Pokémon, all as if they’ve just woken up from a good night’s sleep.

    “Feeling better, Rufus and Lilly?” Damin asked his team. They nodded their heads in agreement. Damin turned to his newest friend and asked if he was ready to go.“Yep. I’m all set,” replied Doran. They were just about to head for the door when...

    ”AAAHHH!!! BUG POKÉMON!!” screamed one of the girls in the centre. The two trainers looked around and, to their confusion, saw two caterpillars, side-by-side, in front of the sliding doors.

    One of these was coloured lime green, had four stubby legs, two big, black eyes with a small ring of yellow for irises and an odd-looking snout for a mouth. The other was vermillion yellow, had stubby pink legs all along the left and right of the underside, had a bulgy pink nose, small, black, beady eyes and a pointed barb on its head and its tail.

    As Damin brought out his Pokédex, Doran had to wonder why these caterpillars were here. What are two Kanto Pokémon doing here? This isn’t right at all...

    When the Pokédex finished scanning the two bug Pokémon, the electric Pokémon encyclopaedia stated what they were.

    The first thing it described was the green caterpillar. “Caterpie,” it stated in its computeristic voice, “the Worm Pokémon. It releases a stench from its red antenna to repel enemies.” So the green one’s a Caterpie, thought the young boy trainer. Now for the other one.

    “Weedle,” said the Pokédex, “the Hairy Bug Pokémon. It fends off attackers with the poisonous needle on its head” After finishing, the boy put away his Pokédex and sent out his Pokémon.

    “Be careful, Damin,” warned Doran, “as you are in a Pokémon Centre. Try not to get too wild,” and he stood back to see if Damin was any good.

    “GO, RUFUS AND LILLY!” Damin cried and his Pokémon jumped from behind him, the green and white Pokémon giving out a psychic-like cry and the shaggy dog giving out her loudest growl.

    The green and yellow bugs noticed the action given out by the trainer’s Pokémon and got ready to fight, the Caterpie opening its snout a bit and the Weedle preparing to sting with its tail point.

    Since Weedle’s poisonous, Damin thought, I’ll get Rufus to take it out with a psychic attack and let Lilly get the Caterpie. So Damin thought of what his Pokémon could use.

    “RUFUS, USE CONFUSION!” cried Damin, “AND LILLY, USE BITE!” Rufus started sending a wave of weak psychic energy towards the yellow caterpillar. Rufus thought this would do the trick but the Weedle hardly seemed hurt.

    Oh yeah. Guess I should’ve thought about that, the inexperienced trainer pondered as the small dog charged at the green bug, baring her teeth.

    The Caterpie, prepared for this, started spewing out a sticky thread from its mouth, which caught the Pokémon by its legs and stopped the small dog in its tracks. “Lilly!” cried the rookie trainer as he saw his Pokémon get furious at being stopped.

    You wanna play hardball, bug? thought the hay-coloured pup angrily as it wriggled out of its sticky prison, then let’s play hardball! Then the small dog charged at its foe. The green caterpillar wasn’t expecting this and tried to trap Lilly again but it was not fast enough. It suffered from a Crunch attack by the small pup.

    Damin was surprised his seemingly innocent female puppy could get so ferocious. Wow. Didn’t realise she had a rage streak... The green caterpillar, though hurt greatly, still struggled against its foe. It managed to stand up as the Caterpie prepared for another String Shot attack.

    ‘LILLY, DODGE AND THEN GO FOR ANOTHER CRUNCH,’ cried Damin, ‘AND RUFUS, USE HYPNOSIS, THEN DREAM EATER!’ The two Pokémon nodded their heads and prepared to do as they were told.

    I might be a little new to training, Damin pondered as his Pokémon readied themselves for their attack,
    but at least I know something about my Pokémon and about strategies.

    The Weedle, shaking its head after the attack, tried to launch itself against the psychic and strike him with its poisonous barb when it started to feel sleepy. It only managed to get half-way when it fell down and fast asleep.

    Caterpie didn’t fare much better as it kept trying to hit Lilly with the sticky string that it spewed from its snout. No matter how many times it tried, the small pup would dodge it. The Lillipup was too close now, so the green caterpillar had to think up something new. It thought that, since its foe was trying to bite it, the Caterpie would just bite back, so the worm bared its miniscule teeth and got ready to do a Bug Bite.

    Lilly thought that the puny bug had given up so it received a shock when the green caterpillar dodged the Crunch and bit back. YEEOOOWWW!! Lilly yelped as she recoiled from the sharp teeth of her slimy foe.

    The Caterpie seemed proud of itself as it saw the pup recoil from its bite. He didn’t seem happy for long as the worm suddenly got chomped on the tail.

    This oughta stop the bug, thought Lilly as she let go. After she returned to her trainer, Damin looked at the two faint bugs. Poor Caterpie and Weedle, but in they go.

    He grabbed Pokéballs from his bag, exclaimed, “GO! POKÉBALLS!” and threw the two balls at the downed Pokémon.

    I guess that goon wasn’t just messing around, surmised Doran, as the two Pokéballs rolled around. If what he said IS true, then, unless someone stops them now, Unova will be heading towards some dark and restless times...

    NOTE: This has been edited once, on 8/7/2011, due to a bad grade.
    Last edited by Haxaurus4; 8th July 2011 at 02:11 AM.
    From the deepest depth of hell, a blazing inferno will arise and scorch its foes with a fiery rage! Blaziken, I choose you!

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  4. #4
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dawn of a Grand Adventure Ch 2 Complete [GRADE PENDING]

    Plot: It was a very basic Plot about a young trainer going through a basicjourney beginning. It seemed to be like an Ash Ketchum kinda story, except the Ketchup and a Pikachu. However, it was a fine concept for a simple story as this. It all seems to be going smoothly, and then suddenly out of no where the bug Pokemon arrived. Similarly, it was good because you stated "What are two Kanto Pokemon doing here?" Then, it goes on from their quite quickly. This is fine for this story difficulty, you will need to elaborate more to achieve higher Pokemon at difficult ranks. I would love to see you write more about Team Chaos. I find that an interesting concept. Similarly, you could also make a Team Chaos vs Team Plasma or something


    Damin - Easy to get on with and a new trainer. He is the main star of the story and you introduced him quite well for simple story. However, I suggest expanding more on his motives and stuff in the future. Good job.

    Team Chaos - Interesting concept trying to take over Unova's Ecosystem. Different and I guess that means Team Plasma might have some rivals. I would love you to expand on this in the future chronicles of your stories.

    Doran - Became a Ranger because he needed to enlight his flame. He seemed to be a tour guide like character who helped Damin around Nuvema. It infers to me that Doran

    Rufus - Seemed to be your starter Pokemon in my opinion. This Ralts seemed to be well looked after, and was a good Pokemon for the story. A talking Ralts is interesting and an interesting concept to improve on in future stories

    Lilly - A Lillipup who seemed to struggle versus the Caterpie at the end, however seemed very hardworking to weaken it a few. Good job here for a Basic Story. I would like to see more character developments with your Pokemon and the main character. Similarly, the development of Doran and Damin's relationship. Could they become best friends? Rivals? Enemies? Who knows! You are the writer here go out their and wow us! :0

    Length: Fine dabby dosa.

    Grammar: This was a strong area of yours. Good job here. Looks like you did your proof reading homework!

    Detail: Your detail was a bit basic. I felt you could of improved a whole lot more for the battle and such. For example, at the beginning you introducted Damin. However, you merely stated "Striding along Route 1." Surely, you could of expanded the scenary and air. Was it just a plain route with nothing at all? No trees, grass, air, or sky. Not even mainly people? Sounds like a lame route to me. I guess you could of developed it here. You need to describe areas much more effectively and carefully. Similarly, within your Battle, you did not describe the scenary as much either. This is a big downfall to this story because it was written quite well in the Grammar department.

    It started out as Team of Weedle and Caterpie. Your character seemed to double battle against wild Pokemon. This instantly reminded me of D/P in Eterna Forest! Anyways, the story was pretty basic concept, which is very fine for a Weak/Basic Story I guess. I would like you to expand on some details of this battle against the Wild Pokemon. The Battle was also very short, and needed some more attacks. 1 Attack against a weak Pokemon is fine I guess but you need to make it less one sided in my opinion.

    Quote Originally Posted by You
    The small dog charged at the green bug, baring her teeth. The Caterpie, prepared for this, started spewing out a sticky thread from its mouth, which stopped the small dog in its tracks
    Here, you described in the Battle about Caterpie. This seemed to be a very basic description throughout the story too. How did the thread stop Lillipup in its tracks? Did it wrap tightly around its legs? Paws? Head? Body? No one will know. You need to be careful and describe how attacks like this would slow something down or paralyse a target.
    Last edited by Fossil Fusion; 5th July 2011 at 01:54 PM.

  5. #5
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Sep 2009

    Default Re: Dawn of a Grand Adventure Ch 2 Complete [GRADE PENDING]


    All in all you did make an improvement. I am sorry this is so late. Three jobs is a killer. Because you made an Improvement and made a valid effort in going for the other Pokemon as well. Weedle Captured! Just remember next time, for higher ranked Pokemon you should expand on a plot and more detail. I know you can do this, and if you need help or ideas. I suggest harassing Phantom Kat or WinterVines for Plot Ideas/help. I can assist you but you'd get more options from them. Good luck in your next story!


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