The Dawn of an Adventure

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Thread: The Dawn of an Adventure

  1. #1
    Swifter than Swift swiftgallade46's Avatar
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    Default The Dawn of an Adventure

    "Alright, Zekrom! It's time to finish this! Use Bolt Strike!!"
    The massive, towering dragon lifted its head, and locked its deep blue eyes onto an equally giant dragon that was standing just across it on the battle-field. It's pitch-black skin shimmered with a blue tint as it prepared to launch it's most powerful attack.
    "Lance's Reshiram has already been severely weakened!" the announcer boomed, "Can Zekrom finish the job and earn Dylan the title of Champion of the Johto Region?!"
    "DO IT!!" Dylan shouted, his eyes glimmering with determination.
    The black dragon opened its mouth, ready to release a powerful roar.
    "Fletch! Fletch-fletch! Fletchling!"

    "...huh?"
    A lone teen blinked open his eyes. Sunlight had just began to come flowing in from between the leaves of a nearby Oran tree.
    "Fletchling, Fletchling-fletch!"
    A crimson-throated Japanese Robin Pokemon flitted through the air, lighting briefly on several branches of the tree as it sang a good morning to the residents of the Viridian Forest. The teen sat up an stretched his arms with a large yawn.
    "Ugh. Sounds like you guys migrated early this year..."
    Fletchling did not typically make their homes in the forests of Kanto, but every year several flocks would migrate to the region to sing and feed on the ripening Occa Berries.

    The teen stood and brushed the dew off of his white undershirt and sleeping bag. He was typical-looking for an 18-year-old. Not too tall or short--standing at about 5 foot 7--and not too heavy or skinny; he weighed about 120 pounds. He had a natural tan, and a pair of light brown eyes that seemed to gain flecks of gold whenever he became angry or excited. His name was Dylan and he had began his journey in Pallet Town. Pallet Town was an area to the south of Viridian City whose outskirts were overgrown with dense woods in which Dylan had set up camp the night before. He pulled on his jeans, tennis shoes, and overcoat and packed up his cobalt-blue sleeping bag. His belt, which had six clips that ran around its length, already held a shrunken Pokeball which had a small lightning-bolt mark just above the button.

    Presently, the teen lifted his head and scanned the brightening woods that surrounded him.
    "Let's see...belt? Check. Sleeping bag? Check. Spare Pokeballs? Check. Lucky Victini boxers? ...Check. Items are fine; we look good on food supply... now I just need my--hey! Where's my hat? ...Pikachuuuu? Did you steal my hat again? ...Pikachu?"
    "Pika-Pi!"
    The Electric-Mouse Pokemon scampered out from behind some bushes, wearing a red and white hat with a green pattern in the front. In its small paws it held a round blue fruit: an Oran Berry.
    "Aw come, on. You couldn't wait five more minutes before you started breakfast? I told you I'd be up at--" he glanced down at his Poketch, "--uh...nevermind..."
    He removed the hat from his partner's head revealing a small cowlick hairstyle unique to his Pikachu. He placed the garment on his own head, covering the short dark hair that rested comfortably on his scalp and ended with bangs that were spiked up daily with hair-gel. (The deluxe forever-stick brand made from the extract of Tangrowth vines.)
    "Boy. Ever since you evolved, I swear your appetite's gotten even bigger." he said with a smile on his face and a growl in his stomach, "But no matter how many times you evolve, you'll never be able to eat more than me!"
    "Pika!" the yellow rodent replied cheerfully.

    As the sun shone more brightly with each passing second, the pair began ascending the branches of the Oran tree.
    "Anyone can eat food straight out of their backpacks," Dylan strained to say as he pulled himself up, "but it takes some real strength to climb trees for your food!"
    "Pi-Pikachu!" Pikachu shouted back down to him. It already had a handful of berries and its skillful climbing and agility allowed it to scale the tree far quicker than any human. Even if they were as energetic as this one could be.
    "Aha!" he exclaimed, "This one's bigger and riper than all the rest combined! Why," he began proudly, "I'll bet this is the biggest Oran Berry in the whole Kanto re--" He abruptly cut off his own sentence as he realized what was hanging on the branches directly above.
    "Pikachuuu!" he whispered, "Pikachu, get down here now!"
    But his sparky companion couldn't hear him. It was too busy collecting just one last Oran Berry. Pikachu was sure that it could handle one more. Straining to reach the very last one, it didn't notice the small red feather just ahead of its foot. One more step, and Pikachu began to slip.

    "Piiiiiiiiii!" Pikachu just managed to keep its balance without falling off the branch. It even managed to keep from dropping a single berry. What it didn't do was watch where its own tail was swinging as it turned around back to the Oran Berry. The fruit was knocked off from its branch and fell, bouncing from branch to branch before hitting a large green sack-like object, and landing in the orange leaves below. The green sack opened its eyes. It was the Bagworm Pokemon, Pineco, and Pineco had always been famous for one thing.
    "Oh nooooo!" Dylan exclaimed, still whispering as if there were any chance the nearby Pokemon wouldn't wake up from what was about to happen.

    The events that occurred next seemed to unfold in slow motion. Pineco dropped to the ground, landing softly in the leaves. But what happened next, probably wouldn't be very soft.
    "Piiiiine, PineCOOO!!" the dark green sack lit up like a 100-watt bulb...and promptly exploded. The explosion itself wasn't much of an issue, as Dylan and Pikachu were too far up the tree to feel its effects, but the sound it made was certainly enough to wake up the nearby Pokemon: a golden colony of Kakuna.
    "Let's get out of here!!" was all Dylan had time to shout as the Kakuna lit up in brilliant shades of blue and white.

    The scene was awe-inspiring. In one moment, the entire Oran tree seemed to transform into a Christmas Tree. However, the duo knew the dark secret behind what was occurring: evolution. Kakuna themselves are relatively harmless unless their stingers are touched, but their evolved form was another, more poisonous story. The eyes of the Cocoon Pokemon glowed in a bright crimson as their metamorphosis began. They sprouted legs, antennae, and flat, round wings. But those weren't the new additions that Dylan and Pikachu were worried about. The next transformation began as the Kakuna's stingers sharpened and grew out, while from their sides they grew a pair of arms tipped with more stingers that were as sharp as daggers and equally deadly.

    Finally, a colony of Beedrill, Kakuna's evolved form, rose from the leaves, buzzing angrily. "Beeee!!" they hummed as they dove at the terrified Trainer and his yellow partner.
    "Watch out for their stingers!" Dylan yelled to be heard over the buzzing, "They're poisonous!"
    The Beedrill began firing off Poison Stings that just barely missed the zig-zagging heroes.
    "Quick, Pikachu, Light Screen!"
    "Pikaaaaaa!" the rodent shouted as it froze molecules in the air to create a protective golden barrier. The Poison Stings bounced harmlessly off the screen as it turned invisible.
    "Now's our chance!" Dylan shouted, "Over there!!"

    The pair dove into some nearby bushes as the Beedrill flew on overhead. They didn't seem to detect the two as they crouched down in the leaves.
    "Whew!" Dylan sighed at a whisper, "They kept going..."
    Suddenly, Pikachu's ears perked up.
    "Pi? Pi-pi?"
    "What is it, bud?" Dylan asked curiously.
    "Pi-Pipikachu!" his friend exclaimed.
    Dylan looked to where his partner was pointing and noticed a small green and white Pokemon lying there in the nearby grass. It had two rounded, red horns on its head and seemed to be in pain.
    "What is that?" Dylan asked taking out Dexter, his Pokedex.
    "Ralts." the device replied in a robotic voice after a quick scan, "The Feeling Pokemon. It is highly attuned to the emotions of people and Pokemon. It hides if it senses hostility."
    "Woah, a Ralts!" Dylan exclaimed excitedly, "Those are really rare! ...huh?" Dylan took notice of a small purple spot on Ralts' arm and the red skin-tone of its forehead.
    "Uh-oh. It looks like this one's been hit with one of the Poison Stings! It must be poisoned." He knelt down and gingerly placed two fingers on Ralts' forhead.
    "It's burning up!" he exclaimed, "We've gotta cure its poison fast...or else."
    With that, the Ralts slapped away Dylan's hand.
    "Ralts! Ralt-Ralts..." It appeared to be reluctant in accepting help from a human.

    Suddenly, Ralts began to glow in a bluish hue--darker than that of the Kakuna. It began to fade away bit by bit.
    "It's using Teleport! We've got to stop it!"
    But Dylan's words were unnecessary as Ralts faded back into vision. It clearly had no strength left for the use of its psychic abilities.
    "That's it. We've got to find some Pecha Berries. That's what'll help this little guy get back up to snuff."
    He scooped up the little Psychic-type, being met with little resistance this time as its strength was all but gone.
    "C'mon Pikachu! There are Pecha Berries at the edge of the woods!"
    "Pi-Pikachu!" replied his partner as it took off alongside him.

    Ralts moaned slightly as it continued to suffer from its status condition.
    "Look, Pikachu!" Dylan suddenly shouted, "There it is!"
    A brightly colored tree came into view with pink fruits sprouting here and there: Pecha Berries.
    "Use Thundershock to get one down!"
    "PikaaaCHUUUU!!" Pikachu fired a Thundershock with impressive accuracy and managed to knock down a berry. ...But that wasn't the only thing it managed to do.
    "Beeeeeeeeedrrilllll!" The humming started up again as the Beedrill colony rose once again from the leaves of the tree.
    "NO! Not NOW!!" Dylan shouted angrily. "Pikachu use--" But the Beedrill were ready this time.
    "Bee!" they shouted as they produced hundreds of strands of sticky silk.
    "Pikaaa!" Pikachu yelled. It tried to spark up a Thunderbolt but the String Shot's silk seemed to be resistant to electricity.
    Now the Beedrill set their sights on Dylan and Ralts. Of course, however, they didn't care about Ralts' condition and only viewed it as a third trespasser on their territory.

    With their dagger-like stingers glowing in a bright-green hue, the Beedrill dove at Dylan and Ralts, preparing to sting them with Twinneedle.
    "NOOOO!" Dylan screamed as he dropped Ralts into the soft grass below and dove over it, "I won't let you hurt Ralts!!"
    One by one the Poison Bee Pokemon dove and struck at Dylan. Luckily, his sturdy backpack absorbed many of the blows, but there were strikes that hit him as well.
    "Errggg...Ralts," he struggled to speak, "you have to eat the Pecha Berry!"
    Ralts stared into Dylan's eyes. It noticed the golden flecks that dotted his irises. It was at this moment that Ralts and Dylan connected, seeing into the minds of one another and realizing the appreciation and trust they felt for each other at this moment.
    "PIKAAA!" Pikachu's cry snapped the other two back into reality. Dylan continued to endure the attacks, protecting Ralts with every bit of strength he could muster.

    Suddenly, the attacks stopped. Dylan opened his eyes. But something had changed: the Pecha Berry and Ralts were gone.
    "Wha-?" Dylan asked confused, "What's...going on?"
    But his question was answered as soon as he turned around. The Beedrill were all frozen in mid-air, each with a pinkish outline surrounding them.
    "RAAAALTS!"
    "Woah! Ralts...you're alright!" Dylan shouted, "And you're using Psychic!!"
    "RAAAAAAAAAALLLLTSS!!" With one final heave, Ralts sent the entire colony shooting off into the distance.
    "You did it!" Dylan proclaimed excitedly, "You really beat 'em all!"
    "Pi-Pikachu!" Pikachu said appreciatively as Ralts also lifted the silk off of it.

    "Ya know something, Ralts? You're really strong for a little guy." At this, Ralts gave Dylan a half smile and flexed its arm muscles. As the sun began to set, Dylan knelt down to Ralts again.
    "Why don't you...come with us? On our journey!"
    Ralts seemed to consider for a moment looking once again into his potential future Trainer's eyes. The gold was shining once more, giving the Feeling Pokemon a sense of security and letting it know that Dylan was being perfectly sincere. But instead of getting an answer to his question in words, one of Dylan's Pokeballs floated out his backpack and hovered right in front of the glowing eyes of the Pokemon that was lifting it. With a final smile, Ralts lifted its arm and slapped the button of the Pokeball. It opened, enveloping Ralts in a crimson light before absorbing it. The ball slammed shut and shook a few times before the red light on the button faded with a few sparkles and a distinctive "Ding!" being emitted. Slowly but surely, a large grin crept across Dylan's face.
    "Alllright! I just caught...a RALTS!" he exclaimed.
    "Pi-Pikachu!" his partner agreed cheerfully.

    And so, with a new team-mate and friend clipped onto his belt, our hero and his trusted partner continued on towards Pewter City. They walked with determination into the sunset with memories made and new adventures awaiting them, just around the corner.
    THE END


    Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed the story! In case it wasn't obvious, this is being submitted for a Ralts. :)
    P.S. sorry if I completely butchered the dialogue and quotation mark mechanics, I've never been good with those... :P

    Pokemon Wanted: Ralts (Medium Rank)
    Characters Needed: 10,000
    Characters Used: 13,137
    Last edited by swiftgallade46; 5th July 2013 at 11:40 PM.
    "everything is awesome" Velo Jello 9:03 pm
    Hey swift, before I hate myself for thinking of this
    How many battles could a swift ref ref if a swift ref could ref swiftly


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  2. #2
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dawn of an Adventure

    Claiming!
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  3. #3
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dawn of an Adventure

    Okay, here is your grade. It's pretty short, though.

    Introduction~


    This is a very simple story, and was evident as I began to read through it. Your introduction was very good. You explained where your character was, both region and forest, gave a description of everything, and where he was eventually going. Those are things that every story in the beginning needs to help get it on its way. The part where your character is climbing the tree is very important because that is where your story will progress from, so when writing that particular part, making sure the actions leading up to it are very important. When reading it, everything was well explained and crystal clear to the reader. There is something that seemed rather sudden, and needed a bit more time to allow it to fold out. When the Pineco exploded, the Kakuna evolved to protect themselves from the danger they though they were in. It's not hard to see when you give it a thought, but readers depend on the author to paint them the pictures instead of having to make one up by themselves. Your story is also in third-person view at all time, so keep an eye out for labeling things as you would if you were writing in first-person. It's not a issue in your story, but I do want to mention it since it's your first story. I think that concludes the intro, so let's move on to the plot section. :)

    Plot~


    As far as plots go, this one was pretty simple, as your story was. It isn't bad for this story rank, but if you want to go for higher ranking Pokemon in the future, you'll have to try out more risky, intricate plots. Anyway, every event leading up to the capture of the Ralts was rapid fire, meaning fast paced. The beginning part of your story was more slower. More often than not, stories progress like this. Writers need to watch the transition from fast to slow so they can make it as smooth as possible. I think you did a good job there, though. Okay, there are two parts involving the Kakuna/ Beedrill colony, both of which involve attacking. Not a bad thing, but watch out for repeating events because they can come back to haunt you in your grade.

    Grammar~


    A job well done here. There aren't many mistakes, and the couple I found were just typos that were read over unless you really were looking for them. Really, these small things can be taken care of with proofreading, and I advise you to proofread everything you write after it's done.

    It's pitch-black skin shimmered with a blue tint as it prepared to launch it's most powerful attack.
    Above, this sentence looks normal, but you put "it's" twice when referring to an "it". It's not that big of a mistake, but I noticed you put "its", which is correct, in another sentence, just underneath the other one. Other than that, there really isn't anything else. A couple words are missing a letter at the end, and there isn't a space between a word, but for the most part, well done.

    Description~


    Ralts is a Medium ranking Pokemon, so the standards are pretty lax in the sections. As I said before, everything was well described. But because I can't really just end with that, there were a few things that could have used a sentence or two more of detail. Like how the sunlight would shine through the leaves, and make the ground look dappled, or the swarm of Beedrill. Even the Ralts, which you only described as having two red horns, and a small green and white body, could have been a bit more detailed. People, places, and items aren't just the only thing that need description, though. Feelings need attention too, so your reader can be even more enraptured in your story. Like when Pikachu started to fall out the tree, Dylan's heart could have skipped a beat out of fear, or he could have felt the Beedrills' stingers battering at his backpack when he was protecting Ralts. Those are the kind of things that are often looked over, and as a result, your story doesn't have that impact, that extra pizzazz that you are looking for. Remember that everything in a story needs to be described because stories are not like movies where everything is what you see it as. Readers depend on authors to paint them that picture so everything can roll like a movie reel in their head, something I'm sure I've already said. ^_^; Anyway, I think I've ranted enough in this part. Sorry.

    Length~


    Medium Ranking story Pokemon require 10,000 characters, and yours reads 13,137, so you are within the length. Length really doesn't make the story, so don't go crazy thinking the long it is, the better chance you'll have at getting the Pokemon. Anyway, your length is fine because of the rate it progressed at. In the future, if you write a long story, try writing at a slower pace instead of rapid fire.

    Outcome~


    Although there were mistakes, which every story has, even the seemingly perfect ones, your story was almost as fun to grade as it was to read. I'm sorry I picked it apart like I did, though. Even though this is your first story, it was really well written, and that is something that is something to be proud of. Now that I'm done inflating your ego, I'll get to the outcome. Ralts Captured! Yay! I hope you have fun with your new Pokemon. Also, as a future tip that isn't related to your grade, take all the criticism in your grades and use only the parts that will help you become better in your writing. It was a pleasure grading your story, and I hope I can grade more of your work later on. Enjoy the Ralts!
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  4. #4
    Swifter than Swift swiftgallade46's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dawn of an Adventure

    Thank you very much! I will certainly use your criticism in the future, and I agree with p much everything you said ^_^ thanks again!! :)
    "everything is awesome" Velo Jello 9:03 pm
    Hey swift, before I hate myself for thinking of this
    How many battles could a swift ref ref if a swift ref could ref swiftly


    My URPG Stats!
    Ask me to ref on URPG's AIM!

  5. #5
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Dawn of an Adventure

    You're very welcome.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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