Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

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Thread: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

  1. #1
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
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    Default Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

    I wants a pogeyman. Flavour of choice is Sandile. A story deal for my lovely LS. <3


    It was dark. A light tapping echoed in the room. A light shown in the distance; a figure walking closer. The tapping stopped and a bored sigh could be heard. As the figure came closer, the faint silhouette of a Xatu became apparent.

    “It's time, Xatu,” a deep voice said replacing the tapping. “Fetch Alakazam. It's time for her final test.”

    The Xatu bowed and turned to leave.

    “Oh, and Xatu?” He stopped. “Espeon too. It's a bit. Dark. In here.” His droning voice filled the room as he laughed at his own joke.

    Before long, the Xatu reappeared with an Alakazam and Espeon right behind. Their footsteps echoed in the great room before each coming to a stop, one by one. They waited.

    “Espeon, my dear, it's terribly dark in here. Be a doll, and fix that for me, would you?”

    Espeon's eyes began to glow and narrow before the red gem on his forehead began radiating and brightly lighting the entire room, revealing it to be a cave. The Espeon and Xatu perched diligently on either side of an ominous man in a throne. The Alakazam stared at him head on, as if communicating in another way.

    “Bring in the dog,” the man demanded. The Alakazam closed her eyes and awaited as the Xatu appeared from behind the man herding a small Poochyena. The small dog began barking furiously, though not attacking. The Alakazam began to levitate, and a faint purple glow formed around her. The Poochyena retreated slightly as the Alakazam opened her glowing blue eyes and fired a blast of psychic energy at it. It yelped as it was thrown back against the wall, hitting the floor of the cave with a deafening thud and causing debris to roll down.

    The man started to clap, chuckling at this success. The Xatu and Espeon were the only to notice the exhausted Alakazam, now kneeling on the floor, breathing heavily. They approached the tired Pokèmon as the man continued to laugh obliviously to himself.

    The sound of a truck engine steadily getting louder woke Griselda. She rolled over in her bed and looked at the clock on her wall. It said it was eleven a.m. She groaned, aggravated about sleeping in, when she heard the truck engine cease. Climbing out of her bed and getting over to her window, she saw a middle-aged woman slam the door and walk around to the back.

    Great. No kids. Maybe a husband. Whatever.

    Griselda closed her curtains and walked over to the vanity next to her window. She combed out her long, black hair. It flowed gracefully down past the waistline of her lithe form. She hated her long hair, the only reason she hadn't cut it in years was because her mom wouldn't let her. Her parents didn't let her do much. Her mom modeled her just like as if she were her own life size barbie doll, and her dad was the typical overprotective dad. Because of this, she couldn't become an adventuring Pokèmon trainer until her eighteenth birthday. Just six more months, until . . .

    "Griselda! Breakfast is ready," Griselda's mom called from the floor below. She sighed with a heavy heart, staring into her cerulean eyes for a moment longer before placing her Huntail comb back on top of the vanity and slinking downstairs into the kitchen.

    As Griselda reached the first floor, the smell of recently cooked eggs and butter engulfed her senses and her eyes watered with delight. Her face brightened as she deeply inhaled and walked over to her mother, whom was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee in front of a plate of scrambled eggs and a biscuit.

    "This smells wonderful, Mom," she said enthusiastically. "Did Dad make them?" Griselda's mother raised a cautious eyebrow and looked up from the coffee she was sipping.

    "You think you're funny, don't you?"

    Griselda gave her mom a humored laugh and fixed herself a plate of eggs for herself.

    "Sorry," she mumbled, pouring herself a glass of coffee. She sat back down at the table across from her mom. There was awkward silence between the two as they picked at their eggs when finally, Griselda said,

    "So. Someone moved in next door?"

    "I can't see how you can drink that crap black, Griselda," her mom interrupted, pointing her coffee. Griselda always drank her coffee black. She thought adding cream and sugar like her mother did ruined the taste of it. "Oh, yes. I think it's just a small family of two. We should get to kn-"

    "Oh, I think I hear Dad calling, Mom, I'll talk to you later." Griselda swiftly stood and backed away from the table, flailing around in her pajamas to get outside before her mom could convince her to go meet the neighbors. Luckily, she had spotted Professor Birch walking towards the house when she did.

    "Dad, I've been thinking. It's only a few more months before I turn eighteen. Can't I go travel now?" Griselda knew his answer already, but if she kept asking, he had to change his mind eventually.

    "Griselda, no, you're still in your pajamas, and you don't even have any Pokèmon suitable for a long journey like that, nor do you have any supervision," said Professor Birch, paying no mind to his daughter as he walked toward the house, flipping through a newspaper.

    "But Dad, I have Blaziken, and I'm nineteen, do I really nee-"

    "No, Griselda, you cannot go; you're too young." His voice was firm and he looked up at Griselda to look her in the eye. This time he meant it. Though, it was almost hard for her to tell. The seriousness in his eyes didn't match his bare face, and even more so didn't match his khaki surfer shorts with a white lab coat. Griselda's dad always dressed funny.

    Griselda heard footsteps approaching, but she paid no mind to it as her dad added, "Maybe if you had a companion."

    She saw him eying whomever was behind her and said defiantly, "Dad, I'm nineteen, I don't need a babysitter. . ." She turned around and her face fell in horror at whom she was staring in the eye. It was a boy her age.

    "You've got to be kidding me," Griselda left with an angry huff, knocking the boy with her shoulder as she walked by. She continued grumbling to herself as she walked in her house, not even acknowledging her mother.

    "Griselda?" she called after her daughter as she ran upstairs to her bedroom.

    She threw open the door to her room and angrily threw her long hair up into a tight, messy bun. She finished it off by throwing on a pale hunter green beanie and some fingerless leather gloves. "You want to play this game?" she breathed, opening the drawer to her vanity and pulling out a simple Poke Ball.

    "Then let's play," she said authoritatively, dropping the ball to the floor, releasing a burly Blaziken into the middle of her bedroom. Griselda sighed as her faithful companion looked down at her with cautious eyes, her sudden rage gone. Realization hit her.

    "Dad!" She called, outside again, having left in a hurry with Blaziken high on her tail. "Dad, I-"

    "Great! I'm glad you're here, Griselda! You forgot to say hello to our new neighbors. This is their son, Tobias." Crestfallen, she came to a halt. "That's great, dad, bu-"

    "And I have wonderful news!" he couldn't keep the elation off of his face. "Tobias has agreed to go with you on your very own Pokemon journey!"

    Blaziken peaked around to look at the professor from behind Griselda and then at the boy standing next to him. He cooed quietly as his owner stayed silent. Her mouth twitched into somewhat of an annoyed smirk and Blaziken rested a talon on her shoulder. She eased up greatly.

    “Fine,” she managed to spit out.

    Griselda walked up to the boy and looked him up and down. Disgusted, she held out her hand.

    "Griselda," she introduced herself, fighting back a snarl.

    "Great! I'm going to go talk to your mother." And just like that, Professor Birch was off. Tobias took her hand awkwardly and shook it. He yanked it back as she said,

    "Listen, I don't like this any more than you do, but I need to get out of here. So shut up and play along until we're out of sight," and she stormed off, back in her house.

    Tobias looked up at the massive Blaziken that was left in her wake. He looked just as genuinely confused, but followed after his trainer anyway.

    He was a very tall boy, lanky and skittish. Plainly dressed, all he wore was a regular green polo and khaki pants with a standard black book bag. The most interesting thing about him was his unkempt brown hair. Nervously, he followed the beauty before him, wary of the Blaziken somewhere behind him.

    Their door had been left open, so he stepped in, lingering in the the doorway awkwardly, and found himself walking in right as Griselda was taking her hair down.

    The only thing that flew through Tobias's mind was how beautiful she was and how he hadn't noticed before because of her fighting facade. Embarrassment and nervousness forced him to turn around and stiffly wait outside. He was rewarded soon after with a gruff shove on the shoulder by the angel that was moments ago in front of him. He hadn't even noticed her grab her own bag.

    "Move it. I don't care what you do, but after eye and earshot of the town, you gotta get the hell out of my way, okay? So let's go." She had already started walking towards the woods. Griselda. Why was she so mean? How could someone so beautiful be so heartless?

    Griselda took one step into the woods and instantly felt better. She breathed in the earthly smells and her face fell into a smile as she sighed. She hadn't even noticed she had stopped, until her peacefulness was shattered by Tobias.

    "What has you so happy all of a sudden?"

    "Who said you could talk to me?" she snapped as she turned and glowered at him.

    "Look, I certainly don't need a babysitter, nor am I going to have some punk following me around like a lost puppy. I have been stuck in that Arceus damn town for so long, it was driving me up the wall," the Blaziken slowly walked up behind them and peaked once more from behind his trainer.

    "You can follow me to the nearest town, but then you need to go." Her voice was calmer now, and she returned back to her bubble. Though she turned without a word, and continued walking, Blaziken in step.

    "Sorry, Griselda, . . ." Tobias mumbled sullenly, head down.

    She stopped. Turning her head slightly in a menacing way, she said simply, "Don't call me that," and that had all the threat she needed.

    "Well, what do you want me to call you then?" Tobias asked, genuinely confused. Griselda just kept walking on without a response. "Gri-" he stopped himself, "selda?" No response.

    It wasn't long that they had been walking before a small Poochyena appeared and started tugging at Tobias's pants' leg.

    "No! Stop!" he yelled at it, trying to kick the pup off of his foot. Griselda turned to watch this embarrassment and rolled her eyes. Crossing her arms, she said, "Come on Blaziken, Double Kick." The impatience dripped off of her words. Blaziken took no time in replying, swiftly hitting the Poochyena hard in its ribs. The small dog rolled over itself and quickly left the scene, whimpering the entire way. Griselda just watched with disdain as it ran off, furring her brow and storming off ahead.

    “Th-thank you,” Tobias stuttered, dusting himself off and hurrying to catch up with her. Falling into stride with her, he asked,

    “So, where are we going?” he asked cheerily. Griselda shot him a glare and Blaziken shook his head. Griselda heaved a heavy sigh before saying,

    “You're not going to leave me alone are you?”

    Tobias's face flushed a bright red and immediately he looked down at his feet.

    “Well, I don't know where I'm going. I don't know anyone. Zero survival skills, . . .” his voice trailed away.

    Griselda was quiet for a while, pondering on if she should humor the boy. Oldale Town was in the distance and she knew she could leave him there without any trouble. She didn't need anyone with her besides Blaziken and any other Pokèmon she may happen to catch along the way.

    “I'm going to Lilycove. I don't care where you go.” She decided it didn't matter.

    “Lilycove? You like the city?”

    There was no stopping this kid. Griselda stopped dead and turned to look at him. This was going to be a very long day.

    Miranda sat on the shores of Nerius beach. She wasn't in a swim suit, but she still let the watch rise up to her feet. The beach was mostly empty today. It was late April and still fairly cold to the point that people and Pokèmon typically avoided it. She simply looked out despondently at the sea. An Absol sat beside her with a somber expression as well.

    A skittish looking boy walked up behind her, trying not to disturb her. The Absol heard and lazily turned its head to inspect the visitor.

    “Miranda, ma'am. We have a problem,” he said awkwardly, shuffling his feet in the sand. Miranda turned towards him and sighed. The sun was going down, but it still caught her in the eyes and she tried to block it with her hand.

    “What is it, Leland?” Her humdrum tone matched her expression and portrayed her immense disinterest in what the boy was about to say.

    He avoided direct eye contact completely, staring back at the Gym in the distance.

    “Well, ma'am. Kingston and Margot. They were defeated by um. Well. A Hypno.”

    Absol snorted and turned back around to face the ocean. He was done with the conversation. Miranda, however, had a hearty laugh before replying,

    “Nice one Leland, now seriously. What's wrong?”

    “No, ma'am. I'm very serious,” he looked her in the eyes. “You need to come see. Now.”

    As they walked back to the Gym, a battle could be seen off to the side. There was copious yells and the intense sounds of Pokemon raging. An exhausted Crawdaunt could be seen darting around a makeshift field chasing a yellow smudge. His right claw was glowing black as he slung it around furiously. The smudge of yellow turned out to be a Hypno teleporting around the sorry crawfish, in and out of danger. Making multiple copies of itself and having them all swing their pendulums; eyes closed. The flustered Crawdaunt became desperate, firing bubbles at everything that even moved. All but one Hypno dissipated; the remaining opening his glowing blue eyes. They began to radiate a faint purple as he was lifted off the ground. The Crawdaunt stopped, overcome with awe as he was thrown back, unconscious, by a psychic blast from the Hypno. The Crawdaunt's trainer cried out exasperatedly as he ran up to his injured Pokemon, shooting daggers at his former opponent.

    The Hypno returned to the ground, kneeling and panting as his trainer approached his adversary.

    “Where is the leader? I refuse to leave until I have this Gym's badge.” He wasn't very tall, nor did he look very menacing with his arms crossed.

    “And just who are you?” Miranda said, stepping on the field with Absol and Leland in step. The authority in her voice shook even her two apprentices. Leland exchanged worried glances with his friend, whispering, “C'mon, Ralph, let's GO,” before the two of them scurried off back inside the Gym, which appeared to be a classy hotel.

    “I'm Otto and I'm not leaving until I see the Gym Leader. I came here for a badge and I'm not leaving without one. Where is he?” The boy's cocky attitude humored Miranda, and she smirked, deciding this would be enjoyable.

    “Well you see, Otto,” she started, chuckling. “You're looking at her.”

    Night had fallen. Griselda, Tobias, and Blaziken were around a small fire in the middle of a clearing. They had went through Oldale without much trouble. Another small forest had been waiting for them and they had decided to stop for the night, Tobias refusing to leave Griselda on her own.

    “So why did you want to leave town so bad?” Tobias asked curiously, watching his own Lombre down by the river. He was swimming; carelessly playing with other water Pokemon that were awake at this time of night.

    Griselda lied on the ground, staring up at the stars. Her anger from earlier that day had subsided, but she didn't seem any happier than she was before. She took her time in answering the boy, trying not to become angry again.

    “Haven't you ever heard of Cabin Fever?” she snapped. A quick glance told her that she had come off too harsh, and she uttered a quick, “Sorry,” before continuing on. Tobias looked over at her, touched.

    “When I was younger, my Dad traveled a lot. Always researching different Pokemon and their behavior. I was never really into any of that, but I liked the carefree spirit we had.” She stopped, but didn't move or shift at all. Just stared up aimlessly at the sky. Blaziken's head snapped around and immediately became still. Neither Tobias nor Griselda noticed, nor paid any mind when he stood up and walked out of the clearing.

    “So you didn't have a stable home?” Tobias probed, hoping to ease more information out of his mystery.

    “No, we did. We lived in Lilycove. We just traveled a lot. I remember when I was ten and everyone was getting their first Pokemon.” She chuckled slightly to herself before continuing, “My friend got hers and that day said she wanted to become a Gym Leader one day. Big dreams, huh?”

    Her expression fell and upon hearing her sigh, Tobias detected the change in her. Cautiously, he asked,

    “What was her first Pokemon?”

    Griselda was still for a while, and Tobias had thought he had offended her in some way again. He was about to apologize until he heard her exhale, and she sat up.

    “Poochyena. She had a Poochyena.”

    A snap and some rustling could be heard from the direction that Blaziken had went before, sending Griselda back to her normal self.

    “What was that?” she asked, her threatening edge returned. “Where's Blaziken?”

    Simultaneously they stood up, looking around and walking towards the direction of the noise. Suddenly there was a loud crack followed by a shrill cry. Balls of blazing twigs and other debris came flying out at them, causing them both to fall back. Eyes wide, Tobias said,

    “I think I know where Blaziken is!” He attempted a feeble smile.

    “No shit. Shut up.” Griselda sneered at the boy, forcing him to retreat back. He called out for his Lombre as she stood back up to proceed towards the origin of the flames. No sooner did she take a step forward did a small brown crocodile emerge from some bushes, sending leaves flying everywhere.

    “A Sandile?!” Griselda exclaimed, “In a forest?”

    “Sandile?” Tobias echoed. The look he received from her was enough to make him keep quiet and back off.

    “He doesn't like ground types,” she muttered, motioning to stop her fired up companion. “This should be nothing for him though.”

    “No wait!” Tobias interrupted, stepping between Griselda and Blaziken. “I got it.”

    His voice was shaky, but he faced the hissing Sandile with intent. It took no time in charging straight at the Lombre, clamping it's jaw tight on his arm. He let out a shriek and began to flail around; running with the Sandile still on his arm.

    “No, Lombre, Fury Swipes!”

    With his free hand, the Lombre haphazardly attacked his aggressor, carelessly scratching away at him. With enough of that, the Sandile let go, burrowing underground. Tobias and Lombre circled around each other and the clearing itself, but Sandile didn't reappear. Griselda attempted to stifle a chuckle, but failed. Tobias faced her, his disappointment obvious on his face. Lombre followed, rubbing his arm as Tobias said,

    “I'm not really a great trainer.” His voice trailed off forlorn and Griselda raised an eyebrow before chuckling once more. She noticed at once, but did not have time to warn Tobias of the Sandile that emerged from underneath the Lombre and nipping it on the backside.

    Spinning around, Tobias and Lombre were completely shocked at the Sandile's audacity.

    “Don't just take that, Lombre! Use Bubblebeam!”

    The Lombre jumped back a bit and immediately sent a pathetic stream of bubbles at the crocodile. Griselda snorted and turned around to walk the other way as the Sandile sneezed and spat, not having enjoyed the spray.

    “Great! Use that edge to distract him even more with Mist!”

    Tobias walked backwards, giving room for the two Pokemon plus the growing mist that was being emitted from Lombre's head. The Sandile began shuffling around, unsure of where to go. It began slinging sand and dirt in a sporadic way, only clouding up the already thick mist.

    Griselda watched the battle from the edge of the forest. Her and Blaziken both seemed intrigued by it, however Griselda was only amused. The Sandile began squealing; its frustration apparent. The area where Lombre was in glowed a heavy green, and a thump followed. After the green died down, the Sandile kicked up sand once more, only this time, the ferocity of it sent forest debris and dirt everywhere. The violent sandstorm tore through the mist, wreaking havoc on the Lombre.

    “Agh, Lombre, no!” Tobias attempted to cover his eyes with his arm and still see what was going on, but to no avail. “Rain Dance!”

    Lombre, completely ignoring the sandstorm, began to move in such an atrocious manner that Griselda couldn't help but to laugh, and Blaziken turned away shaking his head. It began raining, however, it formed something much like a hurricane with the sandstorm. Griselda heard another cry, only this time it was from Tobias.

    “How embarrassing,” she muttered to Blaziken.

    “Hydro Pump now, Lombre!” Tobias shouted over the wind. He could just barely make out his Lombre and its surge of water slapping the Sandile into the ground. Tobias gasped, and scrambled around his bag for a Poke Ball, which he threw at the fallen Pokemon. The weather stopped. All that was left was a light drizzle.
    Last edited by FrozenChaos; 8th February 2012 at 07:50 PM. Reason: needed to change an age derp.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

    Claimed because you asked so nicely.
    FrozenChaos likes this.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Santa Barbara, California

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]


    It was dark. A light tapping echoed in the room. A light shown in the distance; a figure walking closer. The tapping stopped and a bored sigh could be heard. As the figure came closer, the faint silhouette of a Xatu became apparent.

    “It's time, Xatu,” a deep voice said replacing the tapping. “Fetch Alakazam. It's time for her final test.”
    Niiiice intro, very suspenseful. The two sentences in a row starting with 'a light' is kind of awkward, but for what you were trying to get across, it'd be hard to avoid, just nitpicking. Sometimes little things like that can turn possible readers off. In any case, you obviously have a fairly good idea of how to build suspense. Very vague, but not so vague as to confuse anyone. And then "It's time." Sounds like something in Lord of the Rings or something epic like that. :D Then that whole final test thing adds into that kind of thing. The clarity of your writing makes it easy to read too, which adds to the impact of your intro. A lot of people's prose is very messy and this can turn people off of a story, but you've got all the pieces in place to attract readers. Good job!

    The plot itself is a fairly simple trainer story with a couple of added twists. Sure we have the whole 'new trainer setting out on a journey' thing, which so many graders condemn. However, there were also your two cutaways, first to the man in the cave, and secondly to some kind of gym battle in an entirely different region. These short little snippets really expand the universe of your story and make it more interesting, as now the reader wonders 'How will these things connect to Tobias and Griselda?' That's awesome for a chapter story, because it means it'll make the reader want to come back and read the next chapter.

    This first chapter, however, is not really plot focused. Instead, it serves to set up the location and introduce the characters, as most first chapters do. Griselda is an interesting protagonist. She's older than most beginning trainers, and she's very... moody. Almost bipolar. XD Her interactions with Tobias are hard to understand right now, but I'll chalk that up to this being the first chapter, so you've got some room to explain later on. Tobias is rather adorable. So awkward. Calling her 'his mystery'. The other characters are kind of vague right now, but I think that's part of your whole, 'hook for the next chapter' thing, so that's okay. All in all, this plot is simplistic, but it's fine for a first chapter. Try to build the story more in later chapters, though.


    Your grammar is pretty good, I only want to point out a couple things.
    Climbing out of her bed and getting over to her window
    'Getting' doesn't really work here, should be 'going' or something like that.

    Miranda sat on the shores of Nerius beach.
    'Beach' is part of the name so it should also be capitalized.

    There was copious yells and the intense sounds of Pokemon raging.
    'Was' should be 'were'.


    So this section may end up being a little complicated. WE'VE GOT LOTS OF PROS AND CONS HERE.

    She sighed with a heavy heart, staring into her cerulean eyes for a moment longer before placing her Huntail comb back on top of the vanity and slinking downstairs into the kitchen.
    Let's start out with a couple cons. While a lot of your description is good, you have a few places like this, where you use words like 'cerulean'. In this situation, especially, that's kind of an icky word to use, because people's eyes aren't generally cerulean. Cerulean is a very light, almost neon blue. Most people's eyes, on the other hand, are either dark blue, greenish blue, or blue-gray. When you start using weird colors for people's eyes, it can make some readers shrink away, fearing a Mary Sue in the making. (Not that Griselda is one. If I called her one, she'd probably punch me :P)

    She finished it off by throwing on a pale hunter green beanie
    This is kind of the same as above, though the problem isn't as bad, since a beanie could realistically be that color. It just starts to sound like purple prose when you specify 'hunter green'. Those are the kinds of shades you use when you're trying to pick out a color to paint your walls, not a hat.

    As Griselda reached the first floor, the smell of recently cooked eggs and butter engulfed her senses and her eyes watered with delight. Her face brightened as she deeply inhaled and walked over to her mother, whom was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee in front of a plate of scrambled eggs and a biscuit.
    This, however, is absolutely excellent. Great description, I was able to imagine this scene perfectly. My mouth even watered a little bit. Never, never underestimate the senses of smell and taste. Many authors forgo them, choosing instead to focus on just the sights, but a few descriptions of taste and smell can take you a long way. ^_^

    "So. Someone moved in next door?"

    "I can't see how you can drink that crap black, Griselda," her mom interrupted, pointing her coffee. Griselda always drank her coffee black. She thought adding cream and sugar like her mother did ruined the taste of it. "Oh, yes. I think it's just a small family of two. We should get to kn-"

    "Oh, I think I hear Dad calling, Mom, I'll talk to you later." Griselda swiftly stood and backed away from the table, flailing around in her pajamas to get outside before her mom could convince her to go meet the neighbors. Luckily, she had spotted Professor Birch walking towards the house when she did.
    I included this just because I liked the way Griselda and her mom constantly cut each other off. It felt very realistic to me.

    “Miranda, ma'am. We have a problem,” he said awkwardly, shuffling his feet in the sand.
    Same as above, sorta. Little movements like the shuffling of feet make the characters feel real, since a lot of authors leave that kind of thing out.

    Overall, your description is excellent. You put a lot of detail into people's appearances and the locations the story takes place in. The one thing you could really add to is the physical descriptions of the Pokemon. I know that we both can imagine every Pokemon that has ever existed off the top of our heads, but in general, it's good to put descriptions of the Pokemon in your stories, since not everyone's got such razor sharp memories ;D

    Length: You're length is right in the area it needs to be, so you're fine.

    Outcome: This story looks pretty good. I'd have liked the plot to be a little more complex for a medium Pokemon, but your pretty, pretty prose makes this good enough, along with some excellent description. Sandile... captured.


    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît

  4. #4
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

    Hi there.
    This is part number two.
    I wants a Rotom.
    Characters: 40,943
    Embrace the character development! x_x


    Smoke filled the inside of Miranda's Gym, making it impossible to see through the already dark room. She was running around frantically, choking and coughing through the smoke. Frustrated and crying, she called out for her Absol, but she didn't receive a reply. Her other Pokemon were injured, resting safe in their Poke Balls. Miranda pulled out Absol's Poke Ball to recall him back. Through coughs and tears, she cried,

    “Return, Absol!” Nothing happened. The Poke Ball didn't respond at all.

    “Absol!” she cried again out of desperation. “Otto, where did you go!? Why did you do this?”

    She turned around, shouting in all directions because of the inability to see. She noticed a white figure on the ground and gasped. Still choking on the smoke, she ran over to inspect the lump on the ground. She knelt beside it and reached out to touch it. She was met with the sensation of fur.

    “Absol?” she breathed, barely louder than a whisper. He didn't move.

    “Confusion, Alakazam,” a voice sounded from behind her.

    “What?” she instantly yelled, turning around. She stood face to face with a pair of glowing blue eyes. They were unwelcoming and careless. Miranda turned cold with fear.

    “No, no don't!” she shrieked. A loud droning sound reverberated through the room, intensifying the crackling from the fire, and Miranda involuntarily convulsed. She collapsed on the ground, screaming in agony.

    “Teleport.” He was indifferent and the Alakazam obeyed; the two shimmering out of existence.

    Miranda lied on the ground for a while, recollecting herself. She could breathe fine; the smoke just didn't affect her anymore. Her head swam in circles, though; dancing and twisting with the smoke above her head. She watched it dreamily as it made patterns in front of her eyes. She would have stayed there all day, but Absol came forward and nudged her head.

    “Hey, boy. What're you doing?” she asked without getting off the ground. Absol just nudged her again, harder this time. “Okay, okay, I'm getting up.”

    Absol bounced back, his tail wagging and ready to pounce, waiting for Miranda to stand up. Once she did, he launched himself on her chest throwing her back on the ground. She laughed heartily, fully content to be playing with her Pokemon again.

    “Absol, stop!” she said in between laughs, trying to get him to stop licking her face. “My face is all dirty from the ash.”

    Forlorn, Absol stepped back, looking at her with a pout. His face contorted into a look of such sadness, Miranda at first didn't even comprehend it.

    “No, it's okay, Absol. I'm alright,” she said trying to convince him. She sat up and started to crawl over to him on her knees. Absol lied down, putting his head on his paws as he closed his eyes. Silent tears ran down his muzzle.

    Miranda motioned to move closer, but stopped as she notice Absol begin to spin in place. He was still in his reclining position; his entire body moving in a clock-like motion until he finally came to rest. He was sprawled out against the wall and still crying.

    There was a loud crashing sound, followed by a rain of debris. A blinding white light spilled through the room with a massive roar, causing Miranda to shut her eyes. There were people screaming and ran suddenly crashed down, soaking her to the bone. The roaring and screaming was too much for her, so she clamped her hands over her ears, expecting the worst.

    And then nothing.


    “What. Happened,” a terse voice demanded.

    “Um. Well. I-I don't really know. I uh,” the second voice cleared his throat. “I kinda wasn't there.”

    There was silence for a moment.

    “You. Weren't there? Well, who WAS there?” the first voice said, anger rising.

    “I uh. I don't think anyone was w-”

    “Are you telling me there was absolutely NO ONE watching that battle? After what happened with you four? Someone, someone please. Please explain to me what happened before Miranda was actually challenged.”

    A girl piped up. “Well,” she started slowly, “This guy came up to the gym demanding to see Miranda, but she was down at the shore at the time, so we said to battle us instead.”

    Her voice trickled away and she stayed silent.

    “Finish the story, Margot.”

    “He used Psychic Pokemon . . . he beat us.”

    “That damn Hypno!” another new voice shouted.

    “Shut it, Ralph! Margot, you can't be serious. He beat a Dark Gym with a Hypno? That's crazy. That's unheard of.” The voice wasn't angry anymore. It began to sound worried.

    “No, Jessica. That's what happened. He beat us with Psychic Pokemon.”


    “N-. No. No, you're wrong, Margot. That's like trying to say a Gengar got his ass handed to him by a Raticate. It just doesn't happen.” Jessica's voice trailed off. “How did that happen? WHY did that HAPPEN?”

    Jessica was furious, but the only response she received was, “W-. We don't know, Jessica.”

    The haze softened and the darkness got lighter. Lights and sounds mixed together as one, until they all melted away back into their individual senses and Miranda found herself staring up at five distorted people. A girl wearing a Laplander, with mittens attached, and a scarf was directly in front of her; a considerably tiny Quilava tucked in it on her shoulder. It was sleeping. Another girl and three guys were crowded around as well.

    “Miranda?” said the Quilava owner, cautiously. Miranda sat up, wheezing a bit, and strained to see clearly.

    “Z-. Zelda?” she said, hoarsely.

    The other girl looked from her, to the one with the Quilava. Her expression portrayed more than her voice did.

    “Who's Zelda, Jess?”

    Jessica's scrutiny didn't leave Miranda, who just gazed absently in awe at the audience around her. Jess had a stern, serious look; no longer anger.

    “Miranda,” she stated calmly. “There is no Zelda here.” She set her hand on Miranda's shoulder to steady her. “I'm Jess and these are the people who help you run your Gym. Margot and Kingston, and Ralph and Leland. Do you remember us?” She referenced the people around here, finally ending with Leland who said,

    “What's wrong with her?”

    Jessica stood up. “Probably confused from all the smoke she inhaled. She should be fine once sh-”

    Miranda lurched forward and screamed, clinging on to Jess. She began crying, screeching,

    “No, you can't! Don't leave me alone!”

    Miranda's outburst startled them, and alerted a few nurses from the back of the Pokemon Center. A few came out to see the trouble.

    “I can't find them, I can't find anyone!” she continued as Kingston, Ralph, and a nurse pried her away from Jess and into the back. Margot and Leland stood, unable to react, behind Jess as she made her way over to one of the other nurses. They exchanged a few words before she corralled the other four and headed outside.

    “Wait, no, where are we going? We can't leave her here!” Leland stuttered, staying close by the entrance. “She wouldn't leave us here.”

    “There's nothing we can do. I don't know what's wrong with her. It's best to leave her with the nurses.” Jessica replied, opening the glass door to exit. Ralph, Kingston, and Margot looked on at Miranda's gym in the distance. There was absolutely no one around; people avoided it like the plague. Their gaze fell on the top floor, charred and black with a corner missing.

    “Well, I'm staying.” Leland looked absolutely frightened standing his ground, albeit trembling slightly. Jessica's facial expression softened, and she gave in.

    She lead the way to the front desk and talked to the nurse. She politely lead the five of them to a room, but stopped to stay,

    “I'm sorry, but we only allow two visitors at a time.” All eyes turned on Jess, who sighed exasperatedly.

    “Come on, Leland,” she said pushing the door open. He followed her through.

    “Why is Leland always stuck up Miranda's ass?” Kingston huffed, glowering as he leaned against the wall to wait. “Maybe if he wasn't her bitch, the rest of us might get some credit around here.”

    “Zelda?” Miranda piped up excitedly as Jess and Leland entered, but as soon as she saw them her expression faltered. She returned to her expressionless facade as she stared at the wall in front of her.

    “She's alright. She's just in shock. You can bring her home, she'll be fine in a day or so. Make sure she gets adequate rest and to immediately bring her back if any problems come up.” The nurse left, leaving them alone. Leland walked over and sat on the edge of her bed. Miranda didn't react.

    “That nurse has no idea what she's talking about. Obviously, she has no idea what's going on.” Jessica stated. Leland stared at her, wondering where such authority came from. Maybe it was from being a Gym Leader. “Miranda, I mean. Has no idea what's going on.”

    Leland turned back to Miranda. “Look, it's me. Leland.” He smiled, trying to evoke some emotion out of her, but she didn't react.

    “Move, Leland,” Jessica said, grabbing Miranda's hand and helping her off of the bed. “Let's go, Miranda.”

    Miranda didn't react. She just fell over onto Jessica, leaning on her. Jess staggered awkwardly, but was able to coax Miranda to sit back up straight again. She sighed, deciding to take a seat in front of the hospital bed. Leland joined her.

    “Why is she being like this? She's not usually THIS distant,” Leland commented quietly.

    Jessica watched Miranda quizzically, pursing her lips and pressing her fingers to them. Miranda watched them expressionlessly.

    “She was distant before?” she asked.

    “Well,” Leland started. “Not exactly. She first came here a few years ago. Not sure from were. She never said much of anything about her past. She immediately had the appearance of a leader though.”

    Jessica sat thoughtfully, scrutinizing Miranda as if she were a new species of Pokemon.

    “Miranda,” Jessica sternly said, trying to evoke a reaction from her. There was no response. “Miranda, talk to me.”

    Miranda's gaze hardened as her eyes darted directly to Jessica. “What,” she nearly spat.

    “Talk to me.”

    “I don't know you!” she sneered, curling her knees up to her chin and returning to her empty stare.

    “Leland, tell her something. She knows you better. I'm not around much because of my gym in Bistrailea,” Jessica suggested, giving up. She leaned back in her chair, closing her eyes and rubbing them.

    “Well, I don't know what to say-”

    “Just think of something,” Jessica cut in, not wanting to put up with any crap.

    “Uhh,” Leland stuttered, eyes darting back and forth over the floor. “How are you, Miranda?”

    Jessica threw her face in her hand. Miranda slowly dragged her gaze over and let it fall on Leland. She was quiet for a while, before whispering, “Le. Land?”

    “Yes, Miranda! How are you?” Leland's face brightened and became much more engaged in the conversation. Miranda tilted her head to the side before replying, as if she had to think about it.

    “I'm sad,” she said with a slight drop in her voice.

    “Why are you sad?” Leland pried.

    “Because I'm lost.” Miranda crossed her legs and arms as if to pout. Her facial expression remained the same, however.

    “No, Miranda, you're in Nerius with me and Jessica. You live here.” There was a cheery ring too his voice.

    “No, I'm lost because I can't find Zelda.”

    “Who's Zelda, Miranda?” Miranda didn't respond. Her gaze dripped lazily away again, resting finally on the floor next to Leland. “Miranda? Did you hear me?”

    She looked back up at him confusedly. “She's my friend. She's a tough fighter and she takes care of me. She helps me battle. I can't find her so I'm lost.”

    Leland leaned in closer to Jessica. “Maybe it's an imaginary friend.”

    “I doubt she's going to know we're talking about her, you don't have to get closer.” Blushing, Leland backed away. “Who knows. Either way, let's go. She's obviously not in the right state of mind, and I don't think her sitting here is going to help with anything. Let's bring her around town to see if anything can bring her back to reality.”

    Leland left the room first, followed by Jessica dragging Miranda by the hand like a small child.

    “Well if it isn't the princess. Good, I need a smoke,” Kingston said, not hesitating to be the first one to leave.

    “Kingston! Respect your leader!” Margot reprimanded. If she got a response, it was left unheard as he reentered the lobby. “So, where are we bringing her?”

    “Y'know, actually,” Jess started as they excited the center. “It kind of depends on her.” Leland became worried again and Kingston pulled out a pack of Torkoal Black cigarettes and a Typhlosion lighter. Miranda watched him with keen interest as he lit one. He flicked the Typhlosion's nose, spewing fire from the back of its neck as expected. He became more at ease once he exhaled a nice puff of smoke.

    Miranda's eyes widened, and she began to pull away from Jessica's grip.

    “No, no, Absol NO!” She began to cry, still struggling.

    “What the hell do you think you're doing!?” Margot scolded once more. “She almost died from a fire, and you want to SMOKE around her?”

    “Are you serious? Can't I have any peace around here?” Kingston took one last drag from his cigarette before dropping it and putting it out.

    Miranda kept struggling until she was eventually sitting on the ground crying. She began clawing at the ground, looking back at an Absol that was behind Kingston. It was perched presumptuously, staring at her with cold eyes. Bored, he stood, turned and left without hesitation.

    Miranda's eyes widened as she started to get up. Jessica sat down in front of her and grasped her face in her hands. Miranda had stopped crying but her breathing was staggered. She shushed her and said,

    “Miranda, Miranda, calm down.” She quickly turned back to check what Miranda was looking at. Nothing was there. “There's nothing there, it's okay. You're alright; nothing's going to hurt you.”

    Miranda's eyes darted back to where Absol had just been. Her eyes watered as she got up and hurried over to prove to herself that he wasn't there.

    “But he was just right here! I saw him! My Absol . . .,” she said sadly, sinking to the ground again.

    “My Arceus, what did that prick do to her?” Leland said, mostly to himself. “It's definitely imaginary friends,” he added to Jessica. Margot's brow furrowed, and she said,

    “Why is she acting like that?”

    Jessica, motivated by this thought, walked over to Miranda and held out her hand to help her up. She gazed back up at her lifelessly, taking her hand before being yanked up in response.

    “Where did Absol go, Miranda?”

    “Wait, I thought there was no Absol?” Ralph whispered to Leland. Margot slapped him in the back of the head.

    “No, there wasn't.”

    “He was right here just a second ago,” Miranda replied wistfully. “Maybe he went off to find Zelda for me.”

    She started walking aimlessly back towards the gym. Jessica and the others followed.

    “Where are we going?” Margot asked Jessica.

    “Yeah, well, I'm done here. Let me know when the gym reopens,” Kingston griped, pulling out his pack of cigarettes again and walking away. Margot glared at him.

    “He's such an ass,” Jessica commented. “I'm not sure, Margot. I want to see where she goes,” she added.

    “It's such a pretty gym,” Miranda said, referring to her own. “I want to have one one day.” She walked ahead of them, not looking back.

    “Aw, no, Miranda! No!” Leland whimpered forlornly to himself, beginning to fidget with his hands.

    “N-, Miranda, no. That IS your gym. You're the Gym Leader in this town. Don't you remember?” Jessica said, jogging to catch up with her. They stopped as they approached the massive gym. Miranda stared up in awe.

    “This is mine?” she asked in complete bewilderment.

    “Yes, it is.” Jessica responded. “What did you do yesterday?”

    “Yesterday?” Miranda echoed, still looking up at the Gym. “Yesterday Absol and I were playing on the beach together.”

    “What else?” she forced.

    Miranda didn't answer. Instead, she walked cautiously towards the gym, and pushed the door open.

    “No, Miranda! Where are you going!?” Miranda dashed in, Jessica close behind. Margot, Leland, and Ralph exchanged confused looks before following them inside the gym as well.

    The ground floor was alright. It appeared to look like any regular hotel. However, a faint smoke odor lingered around.

    “Then Leland came up to me and said that there was a bully at the playground.”

    “What!? No I-,” Margot slapped a hand over his mouth.

    “Listen,” she whispered.

    “So Absol and I went to go see what was wrong, and there were these kids having a Pokemon battle in their front yard.”

    Jessica turned Miranda so that she would face her. “You just said they were at a playground. Which one was it?”

    Miranda's expression turned thoughtful as she bit her lip thinking. “Oh, right. Maybe it was at the playground.”

    “And what happened after that?” Jessica was trying not to get frustrated from having to force answers out of her.

    “Um.” Miranda closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “It gets really dark after that. Absol . . . Absol and I . . .” Guilt flooded her face and she looked away.

    “Go on,” Jessica encouraged.

    “And then Absol and I set his pants on fire and threw rocks at him.” She scuffed her feet on the ground and began to cry again. Aimlessly, she looked at nothing. “He cried and cried and all I did was laugh at him. I burned his house down. And I just laughed.”

    Jessica chuckled a bit, her face brightened. “No, Miranda, that isn't what happened. You didn't burn anyone's house down.”

    “No, you don't understand!” Miranda shot back. “ You weren't there, you wouldn't understand! That's why Absol left me. Because I'm a bad trainer. He ran away from me crying; it's all my fault! I don't want to be here anymore, I want to go back to Lilycove!”

    Without warning, she ran off, leaving the gym and running towards the beach. Jessica started after her.

    “Miranda, wait no!” she called. Ralph walked up and stopped her, putting a hand on her shoulder.

    “It's okay. I'll go get her,” he said, before running after her. Jessica just stood, completely bewildered.

    “Did she actually burn down the gym?” she asked Leland.

    “I . . . I don't think so. I sure hope not.”

    “And what are the chances that she actually did?”

    “No, I'm sure she didn't. No, she couldn't have.” He sounded like he was convincing himself. “Miranda's a nice person; she wouldn't do that.”

    Margot turned her attention to Jessica. “I think you should go to Lilycove, Jess. That's in Hoenn, right?” she suggested, thoughtful. Jessica and Leland exchanged confused looks.

    “Why?” they both said simultaneously.

    “Well, it seems to me like there's something important to her in Lilycove. Maybe it's this Zelda person she's always talking about.”

    “What? Her imaginary friend?” Leland snorted.

    Jessica sat on the thought for a moment, ignoring Leland. She looked over at him; her decision made. Nodding, she said,

    “Alright. I'll do it. Come with me, Leland.”

    Leland did a double take, staring at her in shock. “Wha-. What?” he stuttered. “I-I-I-I can't, I can't go. I can't leave Miranda.”

    “Naw, don't be silly!” Margot jumped in, patting Leland heartily on the back and pushing him towards Jess. “Me, Ralph, and King'll be here to watch Miranda.”

    A smile sneaked on Jess's face while she reached around her belt to grab a Poke Ball.

    “See, Leland? Everything here is covered. Nothing to worry about.” She expanded the Poke Ball. “Nothing at all.”

    Jess tossed the Poke Ball in the air, having it release a massive black Charizard. He roared in delight, stretching out as if he had just been awoken from a nice nap. The Quilava that was perched so peacefully in the nook between her neck and scarf awoke as well and poked his head out to view the world. He cooed contently. She patted its head, assuring it that everything was fine. She began to climb onto Charizard's back, dragging Leland with her.

    “Come on, Leland. It'll be fine. Live a little.” She hoisted him up. Terrified, he clung to her waist. The Quilava turned and hissed. “Doxxy, it's alright! He's as harmless as a daisy.”

    Margot stifled a laugh, finding humor in the minute Quilava. “Have a nice trip, guys!” she said as she turned off to search for Miranda and Ralph. The Charizard stretched his wings and jumped. Leland gulped as he looked down, his stomach lurching.

    “Are you sure this is safe? Couldn't we have just taking a plane? The airport's not too far from here!” he managed to choke out, furrowing his brow. Charizard quickly gained height and wasted no time before heading out far over the sea.

    “Hah, I do this all the time. We'll be fine!” Jess stated, lazily hanging onto Charizard's neck. Leland gave her a stupid look that she didn't see. Where could she possibly go, being the Gym Leader in another town? Certainly not other regions . . . he hoped.


    “Hell no, I'm not going through that shit again!” Griselda stated sharply, referring to the small creek that was on the outskirts of Mauville. “You swim through it and bring back a boat from the other side.”

    Griselda and Tobias both looked across the way. A tiny boat shop was indeed waiting on the other side; a Wailord boat wafting in the water next to it. Tobias turned to Griselda. “Why me?”

    “Because,” she exhaled, getting impatient. “You made me swim through the last one. That's not happening again. I'm not doing that again, so go get a boat!”

    The intensity in her voice made Tobias jump and he immediately jumped in the water and began to swim across. Blaziken walked up behind Griselda with an armful of berries. He was eating an Iapapa berry.

    “Whatcha got there, Blaziken? Food?” she said, opening her bag to place the berries in. He dropped in a few Persim, Rawst, and Pecha berries. He continued eating his Iapapa berry happily. Griselda eyed it suspiciously.

    “What kind of berry is that?” she asked warily. Blaziken looked at it, then back at his trainer. He held it out to her in offering. She took it and bit a small piece off and handed it back. Her face turned from mildly curious to one of disgust, and she spat the berry bits out and ran to kneel down by the creek for some water.

    “What on earth was that, Blaziken!?” she exclaimed, rinsing her mouth out. “How can you eat that sour shit?”

    Blaziken just stared at her with a stupid look, as if he had no idea what she was talking about. Just as she stood up, Tobias pulled up next to her in the water with a raft.

    “I got one!” he said cheerily, pleased with himself. Griselda rolled her eyes and climbed in, followed by Blaziken.

    “I said get a boat, and you come back with a raft?” She shook her head. After making it to the other side, Tobias pulled out a strange vacuum and cylindrical object.

    “'Raft-in-a-can.' Seriously?” Griselda asked, crossing her arms. She wasn't amused.

    “Well, we might need it again,” Tobias replied quietly to himself, attempting to pack the raft away.

    “Yeah, sure, right, and that's not a one time use thing. Whatever, I'm leaving.” She motioned for Blaziken to follow, and she turned and left Tobias on the ground fiddling with the raft. She continued to walk on stubbornly, and Blaziken kept checking over his shoulder at Tobias. Griselda scolded him.

    “Come on, Blaziken!”

    Blaziken crossed his arms, looking down in shame, as Tobias perked up,

    “Griselda! Wait up!”

    Immediately she stopped. She rounded on Tobias, encroaching on him with a threatening fist.

    “I told you not to call me that.”

    “Wha-wait, what? What's wro-”

    “No, you just need to go somewhere. I said I don't need a punk ass kid following me everywhere I go. I don't need a babysitter and certainly don't need you. Get lost before I beat the shit out of you, kid.”

    She turned carelessly, leaving Tobias speechless on the ground. Blaziken followed more slowly, turning periodically to look back at Tobias. He was still on the ground, fumbling around with his 'raft-in-a-can'. He was shaking a bit, and Blaziken couldn't help but notice that he was crying. So he stopped, cocked his head to the side, and folded his arms. Griselda continued walking for a bit, oblivious to her Pokemon until he purposefully made a low growl in his throat. She turned to look at him.

    “What!?” she snapped. Blaziken gestured to Tobias, who looked like he was debating on whether or not he wanted to reopen the can and go across the water again. Griselda let out a sigh of frustration, took out a Poke ball, and returned a very shocked looking Blaziken to it. She continued walking, not looking back at Tobias again.

    * * *

    The wind began to pick up as Griselda was walking, causing her to zip up her jacket. The sun was setting, she noticed, but shrugged it off. Walking alone like this gave her time to think. Not that she needed it. She already had everything she needed to do figured out.

    She would go to Lilycove, stay for a few days maybe. Nothing too long though. She would look into taking a ship to Mossdeep, or maybe even somewhere farther. Finding herself lonely, she tossed Blaziken's Poke Ball into the air, releasing him with a comforting white light. He became clear with his arms crossed and brow furrowed. He was not amused.

    “Don't you look at me in that tone of voice!” Griselda complained, still not feeling any guilt as the two walked on.

    “I don't even know him,” she tried convincingly. Blaziken shot her a glare through the corner of his eyes.

    “He'll get over it!” she tried again, coming up to another span of water, followed up with a large foggy mountain in the background. Griselda looked around her, edging closer to Blaziken and folding her arms together. It was completely dark now, the only light being the light filtering down from the moon.

    “Where'd all this fog come from,” she started, “I didn't even notice it.”

    Blaziken looked around, sniffing the air. His gaze settled uneasily at the water, as did Griselda's. He snorted unsatisfied, and started impatiently tapping his foot. Raft-in-a-can didn't seem so bad now.

    “Shit, okay, okay! Fine, let's go find the little fucker,” Griselda snapped grumpily, stomping angrily in the other direction. A slight glimmer of reflected moonlight on the ground caught her eye, causing her to stop abruptly. She squinted at it. It was partially masked by the fog, but she thought that maybe it was a coin. Looking around at the trees rustling in the wind, she examined the area for any sign of frequent human contact. Brown leaves littered the ground. A Pokemon could be heard scurrying away near the trees, looking for a place to rest for the night. Griselda listened closely, but all she heard was the whistle of the night breeze passing by her ears. The place was just completely void of people, so why would there be money be lying around?

    “Do you see that too?” she questioned. Blaziken's nose twitched. He cocked his head to the side and walked up to it. A orange happy face stared up at him. Griselda came up behind him as he scratched the back of his head. She peered around, squatting down to get a closer look. An orange blob of jelly-like substance looked from her to Blaziken, and back to her again. An innocent smile coming from it. It appeared to be encased in glass. Innocently, it went back to playing with a leaf that had carelessly floated by. Its shard-like arms had a hard time maneuvering its new leaf toy; however, that didn't stop it from trying.

    “ . . . the fuck is this?” Griselda asked, attempting to pick up the happy face by it's glass arm. Her hand passed right through it. Her face contorted into the pure image of confusion, and she tried grabbing it again. The happy face turned to look at her again; a blank expression now on its face.

    “What the!” she gasped, jumping back and attempting not to fall over. Blaziken took a step back as well. The orange face looked as if nothing happened. Being barely off the ground, he happily floated over to where Griselda was now standing, wanting to play. Not knowing what to do, she yelped, thus falling back onto the ground.

    Blaziken took a stand behind it. His massive, six foot tall form dwarfed the poor little creature, only being a few inches tall. It looked up to look up at him in awe, finding only a massive foot there to greet him. His happy face instantly turned into a wide-eyed, look-of-horror face. Blaziken slammed his foot against the ground, rubbing it around exaggeratedly as if he were killing a bug.

    “Are you about done?” Griselda asked rhetorically, dusting herself off as she stood up. Blaziken looked up from his intense, near-crouched position for a second before jumping back, grabbing his foot and looking at the bottom of it. He began to whimper.

    “Oh you big tit, what's wrong?” She walked up and examined it as well. There was a red mark where the confusing happy creature used to be. They both turned to look at the spot where it was. Indeed it was still there, only it this time it had a grumpy, pout as its expression.

    “Ro . . .,” it started quietly, morphing into a, just as small, bluish figure. “TOM!”

    Griselda and Blaziken immediately started laughing at the puny Pokemon's voice, not feeling threatened at all. It was so shrill and high-pitched that it was just about the cutest thing that either of them had ever heard. Through tears, Griselda walked up to it and cooed.

    “Aww, look, Blaziken! It's a grumpy washing machine now! Look how cute it is, AWW.” The Pokemon was not amused. It became highly offended; its mouth quivering. Being a washing machine now, it angrily opened its center door and blasted Griselda with a massive stream of water. She stood up, trying to block the jet of water coming at her, even though her clothes were soaked through and through. Sputtering, she managed to say,

    “What do you think you're doing, Blaziken!? Get that bitch! Blaze kick!”

    Blaziken, with a serious look on his face now, ran up to the tiny Rotom, leg ablaze. Leaving burn spots in his wake, he aimed his powerful kick at the Pokemon, barely connecting, but still forcing it to stop the water attack on Griselda and sending the Pokemon rolling a couple of feet away.

    “YOU MISSED? You realize it's only like an inch off the ground, right?” Griselda remarked. Blaziken returned her question with an eye roll. He looked back at the tiny appliance, ready to please his trainer. Opening his beak, he released a line of flames towards his opponent. It hit and danced hungrily around its target, burning patches in the grass all around. It wasn't long before it was matched by another jet of water, dispersing all of the fire and dutifully slapping Blaziken across the face. Without waiting for it to stop, Blaziken ran over to Griselda, picked her up with one arm, and threw her over his shoulder.

    “Wait, what!? What do you think you're doing!” Griselda screeched as Blaziken dashed away, back from the way they had originally came. “Put me back and fight that thing!”

    - - -

    Meanwhile, Tobias sat along the edge of the creek and forest, sniffling and wiping his nose on his shirt sleeve. He stared at himself in the water, his thoughts a complete mess. Completely unable to fathom the situation, he leaned against a tree and closed his eyes, deciding to sleep.

    As soon as he had done so, the wind picked up in huge bursts. He sat up, looking around cautiously. Fear and uncertainty grew in the pit of his stomach when suddenly he heard,


    He looked up just as a massive black dragon landed in front of him. Or he thought it was black. Maybe it was just really dark because it was nighttime. Two people, a guy and a girl, hopped off the back of the Charizard. Without hesitation, the guy walked up to him, hand extended.

    “Hi! I'm Lelan- MAN, were you just CRYING?” A look of disgust appeared on his face.

    “Leland! That's not nice, don't do that!” the girl scolded, moving Leland out of the way to introduce herself.

    “Hi, I'm Jessica. This is my friend Leland.” She shot him a glare. “We just flew in from the Taiyou region and were looking for Lilycove City. We kinda got lost. Can you direct us there?”

    “Lilycove?” he said mistily, “That's where . . .” He stopped, looking away and deciding not to go on; the wound too fresh to step on now.

    Leland raised an eyebrow at Jessica, who shook her head, dismissing him.

    “Yeah. Yeah, it's this way.”

    Without waiting for a response, Tobias started walking in the direction that Griselda had taken. He kept a comfortable pace, but distanced himself from his two new companions, wanting to be alone for now. He just kept his head down and his hands in his pockets.

    Leland, cautious about his voice, whispered to Jessica, “I dunno about this guy, Jess. He seems kinda funny.”

    “What?” she said at a normal volume. Frantic, Leland instantly hushed her.

    “Quiet! Holy Arceus, do you want him to hear? He was definitely crying earlier; guys don't just cry! There's something up with him. WHAT IF HE KILLS US,” he added at a slightly louder whisper.

    Jessica giggled quietly, playfully pushing Leland away. “Don't be ridiculous,” she started. “Maybe he's just a cry-tit.”


    “Yeah, it could happen. Maybe his girlfriend just left him.”

    “Pansies like that don't attract girlfriends.”

    “I know. Sounds familiar, doesn't it?” Jessica chuckled quietly to herself, referring to how he acts around Miranda.

    Leland stopped for a moment. “What's that supposed to mean!”

    Jessica snickered again without Tobias noticing, and in doing so almost failed to notice when he stopped. Leland almost ran into the back of him when running to catch up.

    “Do you guys hear that?” Tobias asked, his voice even now.

    “Uh, right, and what did you say your name was again?” asked Leland, in preparation for the police report he swore he was going to have to fill out. Jessica elbowed him in the side of his ribs.

    “Tobias,” he said absent-minded, gesturing towards the distance. Jessica and Leland both listened tentatively now, stepping on either side of Tobias. There was indeed a steady thumping in the distance.

    “What is that?” Leland asked stupidly, squinting as if it would help.

    “Oh my,” Jessica gasped. “That looks like. Well. That looks like-”

    “Blaziken?” Tobias suggested as Blaziken came up to them, slowing down to a halt in front of him.

    Griselda lifted her head, still slung over Blaziken's shoulder and facing away. “Tobias?”

    Blaziken, without even reacting at the two new people, picked up Griselda from his shoulders and nearly dropped her into Tobias' grasp.

    “Put. Me. Down. Right now,” she growled, shooting daggers at Tobias, who wasted no time in putting her back on her feet. He took a few steps back with his hands up in the “I surrender” position when Blaziken grabbed his backpack from him.

    “You two know each other?” asked a girl standing next to him.

    “Hey, what are you doing!? Give that back!” Tobias said, reaching up to grab his pack. Blaziken rummaged through it just out of Tobias' reach. Once he found what he was looking for, he dropped it. In his talons he held two Poke Balls. Pressing both of them, they released Tobias's only two Pokemon: Lombre and Sandile.

    “What is going on here?” Tobias said as Blaziken grabbed Lombre in mid-yawn, and took off back in the other direction. Griselda, Tobias, and his two new companions just watched in awe.

    “So . . .,” the new guy said. “What just happened?”

    “There was a thing! Back there! It was a tiny washing machine thing! It was really cute, but then it attacked us with Hydro Pump!” Griselda shrieked, still wet and upset at the situation. Sandile walked up to her and started nibbling on her pants leg. Tobias picked up his Sandile and held him to his chest, petting his head before returning him to his ball.

    “Jessica, Leland, this is Griselda. She, uh. She seems to be a little out of it right now.”

    “No, no, no! You don't understand! That little shit was strong as hell! Blaziken couldn't do anything to it!” Her words were tumbling out of her mouth faster than her thoughts could keep up. As shaken as she was, she still noticed.

    “I thought I told you not to call me that.” Her regular, unshaken voice returned, and she no longer appeared frantic.

    “Oh. I'm sorry, Gr-uh. What would you like me to call you then?” Tobias asked, shuffling his feet.

    “If you have to call me anything, call me Zelda.” She turned away, not wanting to look at Tobias.

    Jessica and Leland exchanged shocked glances.

    “Zelda!?” they both gasped simultaneously. Griselda turned back around.

    “I'm sorry, do I know you?” she politely answered.

    “Do you know someone named Miranda?” asked Jessica. Her and Leland held their breath, eyes wide, as they waited for her answer. Griselda's brow furrowed as she looked between the two of them. The temperature around them dropped suddenly, and cautiously she said,

    “I used to know a Miranda. I grew up with her. She moved a long time ago. Why? Who are you?”

    Leland near fainted. His breath caught in his throat that he heaved a sigh of relief, looking up at the night sky. Jessica choked out a laugh and smiled, walking up to Griselda and holding out her hand.

    “I'm sorry, Zelda. I'm Jessica Oatz, the Gym Leader of Bistrailea City in the region of Taiyou. Miranda Dewer is the Gym Leader of Nerius City, and. Well. Something happened, and we were sent to Lilycove City to find a 'Zelda.'”

    Griselda's expression hardened as she stared Jessica with enough malice that it caused Tobias to shake, even though it wasn't aimed at him. Tobias' eyes widened, and he thought for sure that Jessica was about to get mauled. He blinked, and in that instant, Griselda had Jessica pinned against a tree that was next to them. She had her by the neck, daring her to breathe, and said,

    “What. Happened.” Griselda made direct eye contact with Jess; her voice no louder than a whisper. Leland and Tobias together forced Griselda off of the Gym Leader, who then leaned against the tree cradling her neck. They held her by the arms until she stopped resisting.

    “I don't know,” she breathed. “But the sooner we get back the sooner we can find out.”

    Griselda took a step back, showing that her hostility was now gone, and proceeded to fold her arms. “When do we leave?”

    “Hey um. Can I go get my Lombre back?” Tobias piped up, then braced himself for a smack from Griselda.

    “Oh shit, my Blaziken,” she mumbled half to herself, before turning and running off to where the fight was. Tobias followed high on her tail, leaving Jess and Leland to trail behind, shrugging.

    Blaziken and Lombre surrounded the tiny Rotom, no longer a washing machine. It's happy face was now scared and confused as it looked between its two adversaries. Blaziken cracked his knuckles and Lombre's foot was tapping madly as if he was about to start a race.

    Unable to contain himself, Lombre began to run in place, dangling his arms out in front of him slapping something that was not there. A green hue was emitted from his arms and surrounded the small ghost. A few sparks began flying through the air, and Lombre perked up a bit.

    Blaziken stepped up now, swiftly jabbing his beak into the small creature and tossing it up into the air. At this point, Griselda and her cascade of followers trickled into the small clearing where the battle was taking place. They stopped to watch, but the Pokemon paid them no mind.

    As Rotom came fluttering back down to them, dazed, Lombre darted for it, slapping it before it even touched the ground. The tired ghost made a small audible gasp as it flinched. Using this moment of distraction, Blaziken readied another Blaze Kick, making contact with its face right as soon as it turned to look at him.

    Griselda and the others watched as the tiny ghost flew up and away, far over Mount Pyre, leaving behind a tiny blue stone. The two Pokemon looked at each other happily, making what laughing noises they could, as Lombre jumped up to give Blaziken a high five. Suddenly, he began glowing white until the light was so bright that everyone had to turn away. Once the light died down, a Ludicolo was left in its place.

    “Holy shit,” Griselda said in awe, mouth parted slightly. Tobias' eyes were wide as the two Pokemon noticed their trainers' presence. Blaziken shifted slightly in his place as Ludicolo waddled happily over to Tobias, hugging his waist.

    “Colooooo!” he chirped happily. Tobias chuckled to himself, patting his new Ludicolo on the back.

    “Good job, boy,” he congratulated, poking the Poke Ball into its side, returning it.

    “Well, that was enlightening,” Griselda commented, scratching the back of her head out of awkwardness. Blaziken joined the rest of the group. “So. About this traveling thing. When do we leave?”

    A sly smirk appeared across Jess's face. Griselda's eyes narrowed.

    “Right now.” She pulled out a Poke Ball and pressed the button. It opened, revealing a massive black dragon which roared in delight, spreading its blood tinted wings out into the crisp night air.

    Griselda, now skeptic, now raised an eyebrow.

    “So let me get this straight,” she rolled her head to the side so shoot a glance at Tobias, whose face immediately filled with hope. “You want us to ride a Charizard?”

    “Welcome to the Charizard Express,” she said bluntly, followed by a smile that formed over the smirk.

    Griselda looked from Blaziken, to Tobias, to Blaziken again. He gave her a disapproving look and crossed his arms, glaring. She sighed.

    “Alright, let's go Tobias.” She pulled a Poke Ball from her belt and returned Blaziken as Tobias gasped, moving to hug her.

    “Don't touch me,” she spat venomously as Jessica helped her and the others on the back of her Charizard, who grumbled, but lifted them off into the night air nonetheless.
    LS- likes this.
    I'm not inactive. I'm just hiding in the tall grass waiting for someone to trigger "A WILD FC APPEARED!."

  5. #5
    Senile EmBreon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    The sewers

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]


  6. #6
    Senile EmBreon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    The sewers

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]


    Story/Plot: I have some good news and bad news for you. Which do you want first? Bad? OKAY. Well, the bad news is that this plot is a bit mediocre. ^^; At least this chapter was, that is. Had this been for a Medium, Hard, or perhaps even Complex Pokemon, I probably would have approved of this story line just fine. But once you hit Demanding, in my opinion, shat starts getting real. You need to become extra creative when designing your adventures for this high of a rank. This story is a twist on a traditional trainer fic, which makes me want to be stingy. :( Miranda becoming somewhat amnesic at the beginning of the story was a great start, but little became of that in this chapter; I feel if it had been further pursued before it ended, then it probably would have felt much more unique.

    The good news: Your style was impeccable. You wrote in a way that made this slightly above average plot feel far more interesting than it actually was. I blew through this story almost as fast as I would reading my favorite novel. You had great flow, and a good amount of highs and lows. This is a prime example of how much your writing design influences the story.

    --Mood: Your atmosphere was impressive. I felt empathetic to the crying Absol, and then the later crying Tobias. I worried, laughed, and raged along with all of the scenes written with this intention. That's great. But something that you might find interesting is that feeling can emanate from areas beyond your characters. You can create a mood with inanimate objects, and forces of nature. A lot of authors put immense focus on their characters, which is natural and of course needed, as a lot of stories are character-driven. But, if you can capture the areas outside of your characters, you can open an entire world. If you accomplish this, you can then create emotion without having to use it literally. Things such as me feeling fear as you take me through a dangerous alleyway, or calmness as you tell of a vacant beach. Capturing this throughout more aspects of your story will set you on the path to becoming a truly great writer.

    --Characters: My oh my. Boy, did these really shine. Your characters carried your story, and pretty hard-core. Every single one was entirely unique and original. You gave them such amazing personality; I think I might have even been able to figure out who was who without any dialogue tag at all by the end of this. And GRISELDA. THAT BIZNATCH. But I absolutely loved to hate her. XD You achieved their development with flying colors. Really. Your dialogue put on quite the show. *claps* On the opposite end though, I hardly know what any of them look like. :( I wish I could have seen their faces more clearly, because I enjoyed them so much. I am certain you have the technique to do this without cramming some mundane adjectives in, so make it happen!

    Some other things I enjoyed about this story was your attention to small detail - such as a Wailmer boat and a Typhlosion lighter (XD). The personality you gave to the battle with Rotom also made me smile. Overall, quite an enjoyable read.

    Graham Crackers: Your grammar was great. Derp. Couple typos here and there, but there really were hardly any flaws at all. Some things that I thought might possibly not be typos were these...

    She politely lead the five of them to a room, but stopped to stay,

    “I'm sorry, but we only allow two visitors at a time.” All eyes turned on Jess, who sighed exasperatedly.
    Blaziken crossed his arms, looking down in shame, as Tobias perked up,

    “Griselda! Wait up!”
    I noticed this happening a few times. It's not necessary to start a new paragraph mid-sentence for a quote. Or, even if it was a complete sentence. Unless that sentence is following the speech of another character. But, that isn't the case in either of these.

    Something else that seemed to happen a bit often, were some misplaced semicolons where a comma should be instead.

    “Teleport.” He was indifferent and the Alakazam obeyed; the two shimmering out of existence.
    Jess had a stern, serious look; no longer anger.
    It became highly offended; its mouth quivering.
    A few examples here. A semicolon requires both halves to be an independent clause (or phrase, or sentence, blah). I am pretty sure you know this, so perhaps these were placed intending for that to be true, but you ended up typing a dependent one instead. XD This happens to me sometimes, heh. Figured I'd point it out just in case.

    The Deets: Yeah, these were awesome. You really did a great job here as well. So much life and spark was in this; I especially liked the Charizard's blood-tinted wings for some reason. x_x Your descriptive style is crystal clear, I was really pleased at how easily I could imagine everything. Perdy please give us more visuals of the characters themselves, as I said earlier. ONE OF 'EM COULD BE A TOTAL FATTY AND I'D HAVE NO IDEA. Could probably have been more thorough if you'd really taken your time to flesh this out, as there were areas that felt a smidgen rushed. But, in general, I felt this was skillfully done.

    Try to translate everything you see in your mind into text. And by this, I don't mean packing in a bunch of wasted description, I mean just tell what you see. If there are a crapload of trees around, just say there are trees. You don't have to venture off into a paragraph describing how brown the bark was or anything; just knowing what is in the area helps the reader visualize the entire picture. The space beyond the immediate scene was probably the only thing I felt neglected of. (Well, besides admiring the pretty faces of your awesome characters xD) Everything else was phenomenal.

    Outcome: So... the story was superb. The only thing that holds me back is whether it is enough for a Demanding poke. I am hesitant to pass it, because I feel the actual plot is not quite up to that standard. But, if I consider this piece as a whole, I think you crafted it with both effort and skill. The plot really holds you back; you are definitely capable of coming up with some awesome ideas - and I think your writing really deserves it. :P But, as I said, this piece was crafted wonderfully in every single other area. I am going to go ahead and say...


    I hope you are up for doing a lot of laundry. x_x
    Last edited by EmBreon; 17th March 2012 at 02:09 AM.


  7. #7
    Dewgongongongong FrozenChaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

    A/N: MWAHAHA and the tale continues . . .
    Horsea + Joltik
    31,024 characters.
    lets all eat berries.


    The sky was filtering a dim lavender colour, dawn not even breaking the horizon. The four companions fit comfortably on the dragon's back, being considerably larger than the average Charizard. Jessica kept a rider's saddle on him, big enough to fit up to five people. Griselda had lied down right in the last spot, positioned carefully on Charizard's tail. Before falling asleep, she had pulled down her beanie over her eyes; the dark cascade of her hair was safely tied up inside it as well. Though her eyes were covered, her usual displeased frown was still visible because of the orange flames sitting at the end of Charizard's tail. The other patrons avoided her for nearly the entire flight, feeling the anger roll off of her because she kept her arms crossed while she slept.

    Leland was huddled on the middle two seats, Jessica and Tobias having left him for the front two. He was facing the back, where Griselda was sleeping, even though he didn't have to look at her because the two middle seats made a wall separating the last from the middle. He wasn't asleep yet, but he didn't want to appear awake and awkwardly sitting alone since Griselda was sleeping and Jess was up talking with Tobias.

    Jess and Tobias had the two front seats. They were both wide awake, Jessica showing Tobias the Taiyou region. She kept her laplander on, actually using the mittens so the hat would not fly about, and had her scarf that held the Quilava nice and secure around her neck. The Quilava was also awake, poking its tiny head out and watching the landscape roll by.

    A mountain could be seen in the distance, surrounded by what appeared to be years of cooled lava. Tobias' jaw dropped. He had never seen a mountain that big before.

    “That's Taiyou,” Jessica said, matter-of-factly. Tobias just stared at it in awe.

    “Why does it look so . . .,” he said, trying to find the right word. “Dead.”

    Jessica chuckled. “It's not, I promise. It's actually a volcano. Extinct, of course. It doesn't erupt anymore. But when it did, over time just that area of Taiyou became uninhabited. It's kind of creepy, so no one even bothers going there. It's called Foxglove Mountain.”

    Passing over the volcano, Tobias found that Jessica was right. There was no form of life anywhere around. The only notable thing was a long road, connecting two cities.

    “At the end of this road is my city, Bistrailea,” Jessica said, pointing in the direction that they were flying. “It's one of the more serious towns. Since it's on the edge of the mountain territory, it kind of makes everyone feel uneasy. It's not as bad as Ferrago though, the town on the other end. It's right on the river, so it's mainly a shipyard. But it's right inside of the mountain territory. The people that go there don't stay long, and the people that live there, . . . Well. It's hard to explain. They're very paranoid. Uh, . . . High-strung.”

    Tobias was filled with awe. By the end of Jessica's little story, Tobias was hardly paying attention. He was too intrigued by his surroundings, leaning over the side of the Charizard and looking around.

    “It's really open,” he said, commenting on how far the cities were from each other. “But it looks so much smaller than Hoenn.” The ground had given away to grass and foliage, exposing massive forests and empty fields. The sky was bright enough now to see details below, and Tobias saw Pokemon everywhere.

    “Yeah. It's a very sm-”

    “Look at all the Pokemon! There's so many!” Tobias wasn't even paying attention to her anymore. He was too entranced by the landscape around him. Jessica just chuckled, knowing they'd be at Nerius soon.

    * * *

    The sun was just barely up when they arrived at Nerius. There were people roaming about, going this place and that. They were used to Jessica dropping in randomly though, so no one thought any different of it this time. Only one or two people noticed four people climb off of the massive dragon's back, but they still went about their own business.

    “Thank you, Charizard!” Jessica said in a singsong voice as she returned her Pokemon, it disappearing in a red light.

    Tobias and Griselda looked around the small beach town. It was so quaint and relaxed, not like they were used to. Everything was very extravagantly done, however. It appeared to be a very expensive place to live. Griselda's gaze came across Miranda's gym and she stopped, noticing the charred and broken-in top floor. It almost appeared condemned. It was what stood out the most in this luxurious town.

    “What happened there?” Griselda asked, referring to the gym.

    Jessica and Leland winced. “Actually, that's why we needed to find you. That's Miranda's gym.”

    Tobias, picking up on the conversation, waited for Griselda to attack Jessica again. However, all she did was stand there, giving Jessica the coldest look she could muster. Tobias held his breath, waiting for someone to speak.

    “Go on,” was all that Griselda said.

    “She's fine, just a bit . . . Forgetful now. She kept asking for you.” Jessica watched Griselda's reaction closely, a hand hovering over one of her Poke Balls just in case she needed more help than Tobias and Leland could give her.

    “Take me to her. Now.” Griselda's voice was stern, her mouth turned up in an unsatisfied sneer. She ground her teeth, clicking them out of agitation. Jessica nodded in agreement, turning towards the gym.

    “Shouldn't we be going to her house? Why the hell are you taking us to the gym?”
    Jessica, feeling light-hearted again, chuckled. “It's also a hotel. They live there and run the gym. Isn't that right Leland?”

    “Oh, yes, indeed! We each have our own suites on the bottom floor and Miranda takes challenges at the top.” He realized too late that Griselda might react badly to that information. However, they opened the door to the gym and entered the lobby. Margot was standing behind the counter, as she was the hotel's receptionist. She started to greet them, but upon realizing that it was Jessica and Leland, with who she assumed was Zelda, she gasped.

    “Oh. Jessica,” she said, stunned. “Guys, Jessica's back! RALPH, KINGSTON. JESSICA'S BACK.”

    The four of them walked up to the counter. Tobias looked around, mystified by how fancy the hotel was. The ceiling was high, adorned with large chandeliers. There contained crystal Gastly lights. On the walls, there were expensive looking paintings of Pokemon. Four of them, one on each wall. The biggest one was of an Absol behind Margot. The other three were a bit smaller, and of a Weavile, Houndoom, and Honchcrow. None of them appeared very welcoming.

    Jessica walked up to Margot directly, whispering something that was left unheard by the other three. Griselda's eyes never left Jessica though, intently watching her as if she were trying to decide if she was a friend or foe.

    Two guys appeared out of the doorway to Margot's left. The bigger of the two said, “Yeah? And? We didn't find Miranda, so what's the big deal.” The other guy and Margot both stared at him with shocked expressions.

    “Excuse me?” Griselda said, walking up to the guy who guy who had just spoken up. “What did you just say?”

    “Kingston, you didn't . . .,” Jessica breathed, expecting the worst.

    Griselda wasn't short by any means, but she was significantly shorter than Kingston. He towered a foot over her, shoulders broad enough to tackle a Tauros, looked down at her and said, “Miranda. Isn't. HERE.”

    Griselda didn't waver from Kingston's intimidating approach. She just glared up at him, saying nothing. She turned, looking at each of the other people in the room.

    “Someone better start explaining. Now.”

    “She ran off towards the beach,” the other guy started, “But by the time I got there, she was gone. Margot and I looked all over. She just disappeared.”

    “She was only out of sight for a second! Ralph, did you tell somebody?”

    “Yeah, I did. It's okay, Jess. I told the Center, who sent out a team with Stoutland to find her.”

    Griselda did not look pleased from the conversation.

    “What's happening with the gym until she's found again? Have there been any challenges?”

    “Not yet,” Margot spoke up this time. “We haven't exactly got to that point yet. I guess the gym is just going to be shut down until she gets back.”

    “Margot, that won't last for long. The gy-”

    “I don't give a shit what happens to the gym. Somebody better find Miranda NOW.”

    Without hesitation, Jessica quickly led Zelda and the others out of the gym. Once outside, they were met by a Joltik standing outside of the door. It looked up at them curiously, ticking innocently as it twitched its mouth. It blinked its four eyes up innocently at them.

    “What the fuck is up with all these random Pokemon!?” Griselda screeched, obviously irritated, just wanting to find Miranda. Her brows furrowed, giving her face its typical pinched appearance.

    “Oh, no, it's okay! It's just a little harmless Joltik!” Margot bent down to pet it, but it sparked and disappeared with a tiny flash, seemingly teleporting to another location. “Aw, no,” she added said sadly. “It left.”

    A few gasps came from the people around her, and she stood up to see what it was that had them all perplexed. It didn't take long before she noticed. The Joltik had teleported itself onto Griselda's head, diligently standing on its two back legs and crossing its front two together. Jessica and Leland both couldn't bare to watch, Tobias was trying really hard to stifle a laugh, Ralph looked confused, and Kingston didn't appear to care.

    “Oh my Arceus,” Margot commented, eyes becoming wide.

    “Somebody. Get this little rat off of me,” Before she even finished her sentence, the Joltik teleported again, this time back in front of Margot, balancing on one of it's arms, holding the rest of its body in the air.

    Jessica narrowed her eyes. “What is it doing?”

    They all watched as the Joltik teleported again a foot away from where it originally was, arms raised, imitating a Gallade in a karate-like stance. It flashed continuously for a bit, as if it was deciding if it wanted to teleport again or not, before teleporting itself in a line right next to where it was before, each time in one of the different poses it had just made. It caused tiny sparks to fly all around it.

    “I think it's dancing for us,” Tobias suggested.

    “No, really? What gave that away?” Griselda snapped, walking up to the Joltik and stomping in front of it, scaring it away. Margot whined.

    “Aw, now why'd you do that?” She crossed her arms in a pout, completely infatuated with the idea of having an adorable Joltik.

    “We have more important things to worry about right now.” Griselda gave intense looks to Jess and Margot. “Who is around Miranda the most?”

    All eyes turned to Leland. He felt awkward under the others' attention. Griselda turned to face Leland completely. Crossing her arms, she said sternly, “Where would she be?”

    “Well, she goes to the beach often, bu-”

    A man in a suit walked up to them. There was a pretentious air about him, accented by the two horned slugs he had with him, one with red horns perched on his shoulder, the other with blue by his feet. He received curious looks from all but Jessica, to whom he said, “Funny seeing you here, Jess. I was just coming to visit Miranda.”

    “Funny thing there, Murphy. We were just looking for her,” Jessica responded, “Guys, this is Murphy. He's Ferrago's Gym leader.”

    “Oh, I knew that,” Margot piped up. “I've just never met him before.” Her high-pitched squeal was accented by her scrawny figure, making Murphy's lip curl. The Larvesta on his shoulder started squealing as well. He patted its head, cooing.

    “She gets fussy sometimes,” he explained nonchalantly.

    “Somebody sounds like a pompous ass,” Kingston whispered to Griselda, who snorted.

    “So, where is Miranda? I need to speak with you both about something,” he said, returning his attention to Jessica.

    The awkward silence that filtered through the group distressed them. Even Griselda, who was usually snippy and edgy looked down, awkwardly grumpy, without saying a word. Their impatience itched itself around like a virus, eventually alerting Murphy.

    “ . . . Is something wrong?”

    Jessica looked up at him with somber eyes. “Miranda's missing, actually. We were all just going to look for her.” Murphy just looked utterly perplexed.

    “Right, well. I have a few places that I need to be. I'll be back later in the week.” He straightened his suit. “Good day, Jessica.” Promptly, he picked up his blue-horned Larvesta, and walked away, back towards the general direction of the airport.

    “Who does he think he is!?” Leland started once Murphy was out of earshot. “Does he not even care about Miranda? And what's so important that he needs to talk to you both about?”

    Jessica started walking away in the direction of the Pokemart, Margot and Leland following in step. Ralph started to follow, but upon noticing that Kingston had stayed behind, he did as well.

    “J-. Jessica? Where're we going?” Leland added, stuttering.

    “To see if someone checked Miranda in at the Pokemon Center. She shouldn't be by herself right now.”

    The rest of the walk there was very quiet. Tobias shuffled the sand beneath his feet, not being used to walking on a beach for an extended period of time. He began walking awkwardly, getting sand in his tennis shoes and not knowing how to react. He took his shoes off, dumping the sand out and then quickly caught up with the rest of the group. Margot eyed his shoes curiously.

    Tobias was quickly beginning to not like this place. As if the sand wasn't enough, the humidity clouded itself around him like a wool blanket in the middle of summer, and it was only April. Its thickness threatened his ability to breathe, feeling as if he was just inhaling pure sand.

    A giant rush of Articuno level cold slapped him in the face, and he discovered that Jessica had opened the door to the Center and the group was now filing in. He sighed in relief at the cool air, his irritation lessening. A nurse walked up to the group and, recognizing Jessica, said, “Oh, yes, can I help you? And how is Miranda doing?”

    “How-. How is she doing? As in she's not here?” Leland started up. The group started murmuring as the nurse's eyes widened.

    “Why, no. She hasn't been here. Is something wrong?”

    A snarl escaped from Griselda and she stormed out of the Pokemon Center without waiting for anyone to follow. The nurse watched her in disbelief, shock filling her face.

    “Oh, no. Zelda!” Tobias called, rushing after her despite wanting to stay out of the heat.

    “Great.” Jessica said. She turned to look at the rest of her companions. Noting that Ralph and Kingston were gone, she said, “Well. You two stay here with the nurses in case Miranda happens to pop up. I'll go see if I can keep track of the other two. And if Ralph and Kingston come back . . .,”

    “Yes, Jessica?” Leland prompted.

    “Well. Miranda will eventually be hearing about them. That's all I have to say about the situation.” And with that, she left.

    * * *

    “This is stupid, we never should have come here.”

    “Zelda! Come down, please!”

    “No! Why the hell should I?”

    Tobias stared up at Griselda, who had perched herself soundly up in the branches of a tree. With her back against the tree trunk, she looked straight ahead, staring out over the endless ocean. She pulled a black cigarette from behind her ear with a sigh, and lit it with a lighter from her pocket. It was black and simple.

    “What the!? Where'd you get a cigarette from!?” Tobias near shouted, walking in circles around the tree. Griselda paid him no mind, as if he wasn't even there. She held the cigarette up to her lips, forcing the flame at the end to become brighter.

    “Kingston,” she replied before allowing the smoke to billow out of her throat. “He's okay.” She let her hand dangle on the side of the tree, along with her leg. She was swinging her foot as if she was completely content with the world.

    “Weren't you about to fight him before?” No response. “Come on, Zelda, please?” Tobias tried pleading again. Griselda gave no response as she flicked her ashes down below her before taking another drag.

    “It's okay, we'll find her. Just come down please.”

    Griselda rolled her eyes without looking in Tobias's direction. She inhaled her cigarette again as a Joltik climbed down from higher in the tree on a strand of sparking silk. It stopped directly in front of Griselda, blinking its four eyes consecutively. Startled, she began coughing, blowing smoke right into the Joltik. It sputtered, mouth twitching as it crawled back up its line in retreat.

    “Zelda?” Tobias questioned as Griselda leaped down from the tree, still coughing a bit.

    “It's that damn Joltik from before,” she said sheepishly, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Just wait til I get Blaziken on his ass.”

    “Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.” Tobias and Griselda turned to see Jessica walking up with a smug look on her face. “The citizens of Nerius are a bunch of eco nuts. You'll probably be asked to leave if you harm a Pokemon without catching it within city limits.”

    Tobias chuckled at the shocked expression on Griselda's face. “What, are you serious? That damn Joltik was asking for it.” Muttering, she finished off her cigarette before dropping and stepping on it. She threw a grudge-filled glance at Tobias, whose laugh immediately turned into a startled cough.

    “Where's the rest of your group?” Tobias said after he was able to contain himself, noting that Jessica was alone.

    Jessica looked around her, as if she expected someone to have followed her. “I told them to stay at the Center in case Miranda showed up.”

    “And just where do you think she is?” Griselda asked with a serious undertone in her voice.

    Jessica paced for a bit. “Well,” she started, “Leland mentioned something about the beach. And that was where she had ran off to before we left for Hoenn. I want to check there for myself.”

    “Lead me there.” Griselda's voice was firm. Her jaw was set tight. She was intent on finding her. Jessica didn't look so sure.

    “Well, it's this way.” Griselda wasted no time in going in the direction that Jessica had gestured without even waiting for her or Tobias. Jessica looked at Tobias who just shrugged.

    “I guess she can walk ahead. I mean. It's not that hard to find the beach,” Jessica muttered, making various angry faces behind Griselda's back. Tobias just shrugged again.

    “I don't know why she's so uptight like that,” Tobias said sheepishly. His head hung a little, lightly dragging his feet through the sand. Jessica chuckled.

    “You like her. Don't you?” She smirked. Tobias shot full of energy.

    “What!? What, no! What!?” Tobias stuttered, flushing a bright pink colour. His head darted from Jessica and back to the ground. He shuffled his feet, almost tripping over them because of the sand. His antics caused Jessica to chuckle once more, looking into the distance with confidence in her stride.

    In the distance, Griselda could be seen already on the beach. Her hair was down, and it was wafting slightly in the wind. It sparkled jet to Jessica's eyes. “She's not into you, you know.”

    “I don't think she likes anyone at all,” Tobias said hopelessly. He sighed, still not looking up from the ground.

    The duo walked up to Griselda and heard a slight sniffle. Instantly, they froze; their eyes widened.

    “Is she crying?” Jessica mouthed to Tobias. He shrugged exasperatedly in return. They watched as Griselda wiped her nose on her jacket sleeve. She turned and saw them, but made no motion that she had been crying or anything of the sort.

    “She's not here.” Indeed, they looked in both directions and out in the water. There was no sign of the missing Gym Leader. A saddened sigh escaped Tobias's throat, and Jessica did the same.

    “Well. I guess we can go tell the authorities now. She'll turn up eventually I hope, but until then, there needs to be another Gym Leader.” Jessica looked disappointed. A worried look ran across her face. Both her and Tobias looked towards Griselda for an answer. She shook a bit, a small tremor ran through her, but she said nothing.

    Suddenly, the three heard a scurrying sound in the sand. Simultaneously, they all turned around and saw the tiny Joltik from before run up to them.

    “Why, you little shit!” Griselda said, reaching for Blaziken's Poke Ball.

    “No, wait!” Jessica said as the minute yellow spider ran up to her. Griselda stopped, her hand resting on the edge of the ball. The Joltik looked up at her, squeaking in an urgent fashion.

    Tobias and Griselda looked at it stupidly. “The fuck is it doing?”

    Jessica just looked down at it questioningly. “I . . . I don't know.”

    They all watched as it became frustrated, biting the bottom of Griselda's pants leg and tugging. It tugged and scurried off a bit along the beach, came back and tugged again before scuttling along, turning back to look at them.

    “I'm pretty sure that means it wants us to follow.”

    “Oh, oh, yeah, no shit, Tobias. Who are you, my dad?” Griselda snapped and stormed off in the same direction that the Joltik was leading them. Jessica and Tobias followed hurriedly.

    The Joltik lead them to a small cave. It waited for them at the entrance, looking between them and the inside of the cave. At the entrance, they hesitated. A pathetic cry could be heard echoing on the inside.

    “Miranda!” Griselda shouted, running inside the cave. Tobias motioned to follow, but Jessica stopped him.

    “No. Watch,” she whispered, slowly creeping up as not to disturb her.

    Miranda was sitting on a rock, sobbing without actually crying. A blue Pokemon in her arms. Griselda walked up to her slowly.

    “Miranda, . . .,” she repeated quietly. Miranda turned her head slowly, face sticky and wet. Her eyes and nose were red, her tears all cried out.

    “Zeld-d-d-da,” she stuttered. “Th-th-the Horsea,” she cried, “He's d-d-d-dying.” She erupted into a cascade of tears once more. The blue sea horse looked up at her and Griselda, who was now standing over Miranda's shoulder. It's breathing was labored, eyes slowly closing once again.

    “Oh. Miranda. Let me see?” she asked sympathetically, a soft tone to her voice now. Sniffling and sputtering, she turned shakily and handed over the injured Horsea to Griselda. She turned the water Pokemon over in her hands, examining it. It trembled, whimpering at her.

    “Oh, it's okay, Miranda. He just needs some water, that's all.” She smiled at Miranda in a comforting way. Miranda's sniffling slowed.

    “R-really?” She wiped her nose on her shirt. “So he's going to be okay?” She gave an attempt at a little smile. Griselda chuckled.

    “Yeah. Come on, I'll show you.”

    “OSH-. They're coming, they're coming, come on!” Jessica choked out, grabbing Tobias by the back of the shirt and running backwards.

    “Wait, what why?” Tobias asked, stumbling over his feet as usual, and tripped over the Joltik. He and Jessica went down, sending sand everywhere. Jessica scrambled out of the way of the mouth of the cave, calling Tobias to follow her.

    “Don't wanna disturb the moment,” she said as she ducked behind a group of large rocks just outside the entrance.

    Griselda and Miranda exited the cave.

    “Water Pokemon need to be in water, don'tcha know.” Griselda lead Miranda to the water's edge, carefully placing the injured Horsea into the shallow water. A few rocks made a depression near the cave, just deep enough to contain the small Pokemon. It slowly sank to the bottom, curled up into itself. The two girls waited for a moment. Miranda began to whimper again as if she was going to cry. The Horsea cooed, uncurling and opening it's eyes. It swam up to the surface happily, spraying a small fountain of water into the air as it broke the surface. Miranda gasped, then giggled happily.

    “See? What did I tell ya.” Griselda patted Miranda on the back, smiling nonchalantly.

    “I missed you, sis.” Miranda hugged the waist of the other girl. She was returned with another pat on the back, followed by a rub.

    “I missed you too, Miranda. I missed you too.”

    “HOLY ARCEUS. They're sisters!?” Tobias breathed. He and Jess both stared in awe at the simple reunion in front of them.

    “Apparently.” Jessica stood from her hiding spot and began walking over to them.

    “Wait, wait, what are you doing!?” Tobias whispered, half crawling out from behind the rock and sending sand everywhere.

    “It's good to see that you're okay, Miranda,” Jessica said, walking up to the two and followed by Tobias. Griselda gave them both a soft smile; Miranda still happily playing with the Horsea. “We should bring her back to the Pokemon Center. There's obviously something wrong with her.” Griselda nodded in agreement and took Miranda by the wrist to follow Jessica.

    “Where are we going?” she asked curiously.

    “What happened to the Joltik?” Tobias cut in, receiving glares from both Jessica and Griselda.

    “We're going back to town . . .,” Griselda said, looking around for the yellow spider from before. “I don't know, Tobias. That surely was one random Pokemon.”

    The tone difference in Griselda's voice was blatantly obvious to Jessica and Tobias, both of which gave the other a surprised glance before looking back at Griselda. She just kept lightly tugging on Miranda's wrist. No hint of anger from her at all.

    Back at the Pokemon Center, Griselda went with Miranda to see the nurses, leaving Jessica and Tobias with the others.

    “Where was she at? Is she okay? Did her condition get any better?” Leland bombarded the two with questions. His eyes betrayed worry more than his tone did, but the two of them together were able to slap both Jessica and Tobias with clinginess.

    “I'm not that bad, am I?” Tobias asked. Jessica ignored the question, feeling better not to answer it, and violently grabbed Leland by the shoulders.

    “Calm down,” she ordered. “She's fine.” Margot snickered quietly to herself, turning her attention back to where Griselda and Miranda were talking to the nurses.

    “I'm sorry, miss, but we've done all we can for her. There's nothing wrong with her.” One of the nurses behind the desk said as she was staring with a bored expression into her computer. Griselda erupted.

    “How can you say that nothing's wrong with her? She's a fucking twenty year old woman acting like a child!”

    “Oh, man,” Jessica said as she walked up to Griselda. She started to say something, but was cut off by the nurse.

    “I'm sorry, ma'am, but could you please-”

    “You're sorry? Yeah, I'm sorry that this nice town has to have shitty ass nurses like you! Now do your fucking job and find out what's wrong with my sister!”

    “Gr-. Zelda, it's okay, we can just bring her to another town. We don't have to stay here, it's okay,” Tobias said quietly, in an attempt to calm her. Miranda started whimpering again and turned to cry on Jessica.

    “Why's Zelda mad, Jessu?” she whined. Speechless, Jess just patted her on the back, shooting very confused glances between Tobias and Leland.

    “Ma'am, as I've said before, there's nothing we can do f-”

    “Yeah, well, eat a fucking Stunfisk! Let's get out of here before I beat someone.” Griselda snapped, turning to leave without waiting for anyone. The rest scrambled after her. Once she was outside, she kept walking without looking back. Copious amounts of rage rolled off of her.

    “Zelda, wait up!” Tobias called, racing to catch up with her.

    “What?” she barked. Tobias was taken aback.

    “Just wanted to see how you felt,” he muttered, more to himself. Griselda kept her steady pace, walking back towards the beach. She heard people talking behind her, but she wasn't paying any attention to them. All she was focused on was not falling over in the sand and looking for something she could sit on at the beach so she wouldn't have to touch it. She decided to go back to where they had originally found Miranda.

    “Looking for something, Zelda?” Tobias probed. Griselda had stopped. She held her bag slightly off her shoulder before completely letting her arm drop. She didn't respond to Tobias, nor said anything once Jessica, Miranda, and Margot had caught up. She wasn't listening to anyone.

    After finding a rock that was good enough for her, she sat down, practically throwing her bag also. She threw her head in her hands, sighing heavily. She felt a presence next to her and looked up to find that Miranda had sat down in the sand next to her. Then she noticed Jessica.

    “Hey! You okay, Zelda? You seem . . .,” she stopped, noticing the small yellow Joltik from before. “Hey, look! It's your friend,” she added with a chuckle. Griselda turned to look but immediately snapped back around to give Jessica a look full of poison.

    The Joltik climbed inside of Griselda's bag. Jessica's eyes went wide. “Oh. Zelda.” Griselda turned to look to see the last of the little spider make its way inside of her back. She jumped up.

    “Hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing!?” She grabbed her bag angrily, but jumped and dropped it when the Joltik stuck it's head back out. They looked at her.

    “What? I wasn't expecting it,” she explained, embarrassed at being frightened.

    The Joltik had a small, pink berry in its mouth. It crawled up to Griselda, slightly nibbling on it.

    “No, stop that! That's not yours!” she scolded, taking the berry from the Pokemon's mouth. It ran up to Miranda. She just stared at it.

    “Not Absol,” she whispered. Griselda continued staring at the berry, wondering why of all the berries that Blaziken had picked, Joltik would give her this one. It was a Prism berry.

    “Oh, shit!” she yelled, immediately realizing what the Pokemon had done. “Miranda, eat this.” She handed the berry to her sister, who just stared at it stupidly.

    “It's really hard,” she complained, whining sadly.

    “Yeah, and it's fucking delicious too. Just eat it.”

    Miranda put the berry in her mouth, making a face at how hard it was, but managed to eat it. She didn't appear to have a reaction.

    “What did you just give her?” Jessica asked curiously, bending down to look more closely at the Gym Leader.

    “It's a Prism berry. They grow in Hoenn. They cure confusion,” Griselda explained, watching Miranda closely. Miranda still appeared to give no reaction, just staring at the ground.

    “Miranda?” Jessica pried. “How do you feel?”

    Miranda's head shot up, looking around disoriented. “Great Sceptile, why the hell was I acting like that?” She stood up, shaking and holding her head.

    “She's normal!” Leland shouted happily. His grin stretched wide, matching Tobias's. They high-fived.

    Miranda groaned a bit. She closed her eyes tightly and began rubbing her head. She felt as if there was a team of Rapidash stampeding through her head, crunching along stones and gravel. Opening her eyes, the light flooded in, blinding her and intensifying the pain. As she regained her vision, the pain began to ebb away.

    She walked over to the water, splashing some on her face. Looking down at her reflection, the Horsea she had before slowly swam up to the surface. It stared at her apologetically. Miranda just smiled, chuckling to herself. The Horsea squealed happily, shooting another stream of water up in glee. “I missed you, too,” she cooed quietly. Standing, she turned towards her friends.

    “What a headache,” she commented. “What. Happened to me?” Miranda asked with a serious tone in her voice. Unfortunately, no one actually knew the answer.
    Last edited by FrozenChaos; 4th April 2012 at 06:15 PM.
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  8. #8
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]

    I was going to stop grading, but that list is at nine. I want it near zero by May 4th.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis

  9. #9
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010

    Default Re: Darkness Falls [Insert T for language]


    As this is for multiple Pokemon, one of which is hard ranked, you’re going to have to step it up in terms of your introduction. I’m counting the beginning of the story to the first break as your introduction.

    The ideal introduction accomplishes a few things. It introduces the reader to the concept of the story-what it’s going to be about, focuses in on the main characters, and provides a hook to attract the attention of a reader.

    To be honest, I only saw elements of the second point in the introduction. You start the story off by having the four characters on the back of a Charizard. You go through each of them in turn, but you only give the reader the name of the characters. The only description is on Griselda, and that is only about her hair, nothing more. Giving the reader the names is important, but you’ll need much more than that for a hard ranked Pokemon. When introducing the characters you should always have some sort of detail for them, but if you want to wait to give out such details that is fine, provided you have a reason. I see no reason of why you didn’t include the physical characteristics, and that is not a good thing.

    As for the first element, relevance, I didn’t see a need for this opening part. The only thing it does is tell the names of the characters and provide some basic info on the two towns and the dormant volcano. The characterization was poor and you could have easily fit the region information into a different part. Basically, I don’t see a need for this introduction. Nothing about it is really useful, nor needed for the story. An introduction should always be relevant, and I don’t see that here.

    You are an experienced writer and a grader, so you know the importance of a hook or some other defining feature that the beginning of a story. The purpose of such is that you make the reader interested in what you have to write about, you don’t want them growing bored within a few moments. The problem I have with this is similar to the one above, I didn’t see anything in this opening that made it an interesting read or made me want to continue on. What I’m saying is that nothing of significance happened.

    Here’s the takeaway from all of this, follow these reminders. Add physical detail of both characters and Pokemon, this is done for a few reasons. You want the readers to obtain a connection with all the characters, detail is a part of that, and the description creates context. You don’t want a reader wondering what your people look like. Reading requires thought and imagination, detail helps both aspects.

    Finally, make sure there is a connection between the introduction and the main body. Has to be relevant, we don’t want to read a block of text that has nothing to do with the story. I’ve done it before, so I know what I’m talking about. This sort of thing can be a killer and leaves the reader scratching her or her head.


    I’m very much on the fence about this one here. I could say with sincerity that this story wouldn’t be enough for a complex rank, but adequate for a medium Pokemon. For a hard rank I can’t really decide. While the idea of finding a missing person is cool and all, it’s the execution that counts. It’s the execution part that brings me to pause.

    In order to explain why the execution is lacking we should at first explore the plot to get a better idea. We have the four main characters head to the two, but from the very get go I’m left in the dark about what exactly is going on. It’s clear the group is heading to the town for something, but we don’t find out what the story is about until a little under a third of the way through. This not only speaks of the dissonance between the introduction and the body, but it takes too long to get to the point.

    From here we go on a roundabout manner of seeing that Miranda is missing and what is going on, but there is a lot of dialogue that takes quite a bit of time to go through. Most of the body is about conversation and the group visiting the Poke Center before finally heading to the beach where she was last seen.

    The problem is that you talked about the town knowing is was missing, so the trip to the Center was essentially a waste because if she was there the Center would have alerted those involved. However, when the group gets to the Center the nurse there didn’t know Miranda was missing.

    “Yeah, I did. It's okay, Jess. I told the Center, who sent out a team with Stoutland to find her.”
    The thing is, you have this quote above explaining that the center was already alerted to her being missing and sent a team to find her. So going to the Center is not just a waste of time, but serves no purpose to the story other than getting Zelda even madder than she already is, and we are well aware of her rage because you make that very clear.

    The important part of this section is what happened to the Stoutland team? If a small Joltik can find Miranda, how can a Stoutland team not? It’s a dog and you’re using its sense of smell to locate a person, something an animal can easily do if she has a trail. Since the team didn’t find Miranda you either need to mention why they didn’t come even closer to her, or just eliminate the sentence altogether because it serves no purpose.

    After Miranda is found and the Horsea returned to the water, she is checked into the Center and later left with Zelda, who took her to the beach.

    This part is fine and all, because you are moving to the solution. That solution turns out to be that she was someway confused, and that Joltik alerted Zelda who then fed her Prism berry to cure her. The problem is that the story ends. Right there. I love me some cliffhangers, I use ‘em myself in chapter stories, but the problem is that Miranda being missing is the whole premise behind the story, then we don’t even find out what happened to her or her gym. We as readers are left with a lot more questions than answers.

    In short, it seemed to me like there was a lot of filler in the story with lots of redundant information, along with some open-ended loops that make no sense what so ever. The Miranda missing was the crux of the story, and it wasn’t even explained, that was a killer for this story.


    Lucky dog you, I didn’t spot anything worth mentioning. I would congratulate you, but now I have to live with a really blank section....


    I’m really surprised by this section. This whole thing was quite lacking in my opinion. Almost everything I can think of either had no detail at all, or barely enough there. I mean this in both a quality and quantity sense, if you really want Pokemon of these two ranks you’ll have to do much better than what you have.

    Okay, let’s start with one of the major components of detail, character description. This area was practically devoid of any detail on all the people. If you told me to describe any attributes of the characters I would have gave you a blank piece of paper along with a questioning glance. If you’re adding detail to any story, character detail is probably the most important piece. It ties in with personality, gives the reader an image to picture, and it provides context for other parts of the story. The only time I ever let character detail slide is only in easiest and simple ranks, and that’s only if the rest of the story is up to par. Going for a medium mon without detail is a risky venture, and for a hard mon just plain suicide. For these more advanced ranks you have to have such detail, there is no way around in.

    So, let’s start with all the characters in the story. Miranda, Leland, Tobias, Jessica, Margot, Griselda, Ralph, Murphy, Kingston, and those are just the ones with names. There was absolutely no defining features on any of them. The only thing I can really tell are their genders and that Kingston is a large dude, that’s about it.

    I don’t know what went wrong, but I’m going to walk you through what I look for in character detail. Hair and eye color, type and style of clothing, body shape and size, facial features, and personality. personality detail is obviously for more advanced ranks, but once you get to the hard stage I expect at least some showing of it. Out of all those elements you had only some personality for the people. Having the personality is a good thing, and I applaud you for it, but it means absolutely nothing if all of the other elements are missing.

    Jessica glanced over at Griselda. She had her face buried in her hands, her auburn hair cascading around her face like a waterfall. Jessica could see him slim shoulders heaving as Zelda cried her frustration about her missing sister. She seemed to notice Jessica watching and straightened, wiping her nose on her long sleeved shirt. Zelda turned towards her and Jessica was able to get a good look at her face. Her freckled face had tears running down it while her hazy green eyes glittered from the tears welling up there.
    I added a lot of detail in there and made some pretty specific remarks about Zelda. My point is that I expect some specific detail on the main characters for a story of this rank. You can vary it up how you want, but I want at least a few sentences for the main people. It doesn’t need to be a long or include everything, but I better be able to have a picture of the girl in my mind.

    This applies to all the people in your story. For each person you don’t need as much, but you need to vary it according to each person’s role in the story. The more involved they are the more I want to know about them. For those like Murphy, a sentence or two is adequate. Something above is needed for Miranda, Jessica, Tobias and Zelda though.

    Another piece that ties into my point above is Pokemon detail. You did slightly better in this area, but your detail was broadly generalized, and in the case of Charizard, none at all. You only had three Pokemon in the story, but you could have done more than you did.

    We have Charizard, Joltik, and Horsea. Let’s review each and see what we have and what we can do better next time.

    Joltik was the Pokemon mentioned most, therefore it should have some pretty good detail on it. Sadly that is not the case, what you have on it is that it has four limbs and four eyes plus, plus it can spin silk. This alludes to a spider-like Pokemon, but you don’t come out and say it, you just leave it up the reader to guess.

    Joltik one was the one you had the most detail on, so I don’t want to go into the other two Pokemon because it would a short paragraph. Instead, I want to show you what it should be for the Charizard.

    Despite looking like a Dragon with its two horns, broad wings, and long flame tipped tail, Charizard was a actually a Fire and Flying type Pokemon. It’s flame tipped tail and orange color was a dead give away for its Fire type. A broad cream colored patch of flesh on its belly was the only none red feature of the great Pokemon. Easily towering over any human, its long fangs and claws gave it a menacing appearance.
    I threw in every detail I could think of, but you don’t need to do that. You talked about its flame tipped tail, but you failed to mention any of its unique features, like its horns and colors. It’s also nice to get a feel of its body shape, something I didn’t include but is important. Like the human detail, the more involved a Pokemon is the more detail it should have.

    The next thing I would like to bring your attention to is that of the environment and physical settings of the story. These two things tie into each other, but are still separate. The idea behind both is that each provides background to the story in terms of context. Environment detail refers to basically the weather and they shape of the landscape. Is it sunny, rainy, cloudy? You did refer to how the city looked and that they were by a beach, but the weather portion was entire absent. Living that close to a large body of water dramatically influences the weather. Volcanos alone can affect the weather, therefore we as readers need to know what the characters are walking through. They may be fictional, but they’re also human, and prone to the elements like you or I, and that should be respected in one way or another. Just a simple sentence or two would have been sufficient for this, but you didn’t have any, and there lies the problem.

    There are a couple of additional things that could have been addressed, but for now I think it’s best if the things above get worked on first. They are the biggest issues and the most glaring, they should take priority.

    Overall, this was the biggest weakness of this story. You had very little detail throughout the story, and that is not a good thing for a hard ranked Pokemon or multiple Pokemon. These problems needed to be taken care of and worked on for future attempts.


    Seeing as how you scraped by the bare minimum, not a good thing.


    Not Captured. Yes, both Pokemon are not captured. There was too many things that need better attention for me to award you the Pokemon. So, if you want Joltik I want to see that introduction get a revamp and become relevant to the rest of the story. If you want the Horsea, add some character detail and actually add a conclusion. Also, I would like to see more Horsea involvement, two small paragraphs about it is not enough for a hard ranked Pokemon.
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