Cyber Ejection

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Thread: Cyber Ejection

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    Termina Fierce Deity's Avatar
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    Mar 2010
    New York

    Default Cyber Ejection

    “It is futile... we can not accomplish such a tremendous task, Professor Smith,” I whispered. Sweat flowed down my rosy cheeks and ended at the bottom of my hairy chin.

    I reached my tanned hand into a pocket on my pants, pulling out a small handkerchief that I proceed to rub across my wrinkled forehead to wipe the sweat off.

    “Do not say that, Professor Kevin. We cannot let these dreaded, negative thoughts cloud our minds with false accusations and defeat. We will create the world’s first artificial Pokemon and we shall be remembered for years to come for our impressive invention.” Professor Smith boldly exclaimed.

    The lab was newly built with the latest equipment and technology you could find. With sky blue tiles aligned next to each other on the walls, there were some stains on them that showed signs of experimentation being conducted. The ceiling was pure white, about ten feet from the ground, with a ceiling fan spotted in the middle of it all. Previously, two other professors owned the lab, so the lab was not exactly the newest, but it sufficed for the work and plans that Professor Smith and I have concocted while working together on our experiments, as well as our most important project as of date which we were currently working on. When Professor Smith and I entered the lab for our very first time, we were greeted with the smell of rotten eggs and bacon – one of the previous professors left what appeared to be their lunch on the marble table located by the entrance. The newest editions of Dell computers, however, made up about sixty percent of the lab, along with the wires that connected them to the outlets.

    He frowned at the computer screen as wrinkles covered his aged face. He grabbed his long, white beard and started to tug at it consistently while he entered deep thought, he sighed dismissively, lowering his elbow on the table to rub his forehead and scratch along his receding hairline.

    We both stood firmly on our spots with our attention focused on the programming code set in front of us on our reports, we equally rummaged through papers, occasionally muttering codes and problems to ourselves, completely lost in each other’s work. After what felt like tireless hours, Professor Smith clutched one particular piece of paper in his hand.

    “Maybe if I enter these codes, we will finally have completed our creation!” Professor Smith eagerly stated, as he reached for the new keyboard. He handed the paper excitedly to me, shoving it roughly in my hands as he looked down at the keys before him. “Read me off the twenty following numbers I have written down on the sheet of paper to your left, Kevin,” he said. As he hunched over, the loud popping sounds of his bones startled me.

    “00100011101001010010,” I responded to Professor Smith. I wondered if those numbers were actually correct, feeling a hint of doubt in my old friend‘s work before me.


    “Cursed machine!” Professor Smith roared furiously as he slammed his fist on the computer table. He fumed silently, clutching his fist so tightly his knuckles were beginning to turn a pale shade of white as he chewed his lip, staring furiously at the screen’s glaring “error” sign.

    “Maybe if we reversed some of the numerals in the binary code… Professor, the code may come out correct this time around,” I said with little belief in my own words. I took a closer look at the paperwork with hope that my suggestion would work.

    “We shall try, Kevin,” the Professor said, as a frown proceeded the reply. He readied his fingers to type the new programming code.

    “11011100010110101101,” I said. I had simply just reversed the numerals of the first binary code and read them off once more to Smith.


    “Would you like to process your data?”

    Yes O No X

    Professor Smith stared dimly at the screen for a moment, shocked at the accessibility just be reversing the numerals of the code. “Professor Kevin,” he whispered excitedly, his voice starting to boom in joy, “it worked, it worked!” Professor Smith shouted, as a large smile spread across his pallid face.

    “Professor, I told you!” I yelled excitedly. Seeing the Professor smile brought a smile upon my face, because it was not too often you see such a serious man such as Professor Smith let his emotions be overwhelmed with excitement in such a manner.

    “All I have to do is push “yes” and our dreams would finally come true! Kevin, go over to that hourglass-shaped generator towards the back of the lab and turn it on. There’s a golden lever that you need to pull to activate the machine,” he prattled on, his voice quavering with excitement. He shifted his attention towards the computer screen once again, his shoulders stiffened and his breath came in shaky gasps as he feebly, and rather unsuccessfully, tried to calm himself down.

    I walked towards the generator that seemed to stick out more than anything else that resided in the lab. The golden lever quickly caught my focused attention and lured me to it. After I walked towards the large lever, I pulled it to activate the machine. Huge lights emerged from the inner-core of the generator with enough light to supply a village a week’s worth of energy. The machine seemed to roar to life, as bolts whirred within its depths. The loud growl seemed to dim down to a purr as Professor Kevin examined the mechanism, cupping his hand over his mouth to shout back to Professor Smith.

    “Things are going good, Professor Smith, all you need to do now is click yes and we can finally show the world our creation – Porygon, the first cyberspace Pokemon!” my voice raised at the slightest thought of the fame and recognition we would achieve.

    “Just as planned, great job!” Smith said. He selected “yes” on the main computer, and hoped that the generator would fully execute the aforementioned task.


    Data is loading. This may take several minutes.

    “The generator appears to be gathering the information and programming code from the main computer now. In several minutes, Porygon should emerge from within that chamber right next to the generator, and we would have accomplished what has never been accomplished before!” Professor Smith shouted. The excitement he felt must have been incomparable to anything I felt, for despite my own anxiousness in the creation of Porygon, it was almost as if I could feel Professor Smith’s tension radiating in the room.

    “Alright, Professor, I understand. Look! The chamber is shaking!” I alerted him. We both scurried towards the chamber and waited to see if we had succeeded in our long awaited task.

    The chamber violently rattled and shook about. Copious amounts of energy compressed together and started to take a polygonal shape. Moments after, a multilateral shaped component appeared on the other shape, almost as if it were forming in midair on top of the first polygon, after that had seemed to “finalize” into its shape, two identical triangular prisms formed underneath the first, original shape and began to grow what would have appeared as legs – very oddly shaped legs, at that – on the Pokémon.

    “I can’t believe what my eyes are seeing right now, Professor,” my voice cracked towards the end. I was in complete astonishment at what had taken place within the depths of the chamber as we both stared, our mouths gaping in pure and utter shock at what had just happened.

    A large blast emerged from the chamber where the programmed Pokemon assembled. White beams of light started to escape the chamber, which resulted in an explosion within it. The ground trembled as a plummet of smoke emerged from within.

    “AH!” I yelled after I jumped from the minor aftermath of the explosion. I looked to my left and saw that the Professor jumped in time, too. The cloud of gray smoke filled the area, along with a couple of untouched computers smoldering and smoking from within as the explosion impacted them. We both looked where the chamber and generator had originally been positioned. But to our surprise, we were greeted with a mysterious object hovering above. The cloud of debris finally cleared up, and we were able to get a good glimpse of the unknown object.

    Polygonal-shaped body, triangular prism feet, blue rectangular prism tail, the multilateral one head, and hexagonal eyes that stared emotionless, almost blankly emerged out of the smoke.

    “Professor Smith... I... I can’t believe this,” I said. I was speechless from the Pokemon that floated right above.

    “We did it! We did it! We have created the first programmed Pokemon ever!” Professor Smith shouted. He ran towards me and gave me a firm handshake, seemingly unfazed at the destruction that had just taken place in the lab.

    Porygon looked below and spotted us. It appeared to be examining us as it gathered information, its almost eerie blank stare boring through us.

    “Professor Kevin, pass me my sheets so I can look over the moves we built into this Pokemon’s database,” Professor Smith said as he kept his attention locked on our newest creation, waving his hand frantically towards the desk, almost as if to bat away a pesky fly.

    “Sure thing, Professor,” I said as I ran towards the desk on the other side of the lab to obtain Smith’s paperwork. I rummaged through the papers hurriedly, pulling out a partially wrinkled paper from the pile. I pulled and rubbed it along the edge of the desk in a frantic attempt to smooth it out before I ran back to Professor Smith, shoving the paper in his outstretched hands.

    “Here you go!” I shouted, turning my attention eagerly to the Porygon in front of us.

    “Thanks, Professor Kevin. Ahem, Porygon! Can you understand me?” the Professor questioned the programmed Pokemon. According to his judgments, Porygon should be capable of fully understanding human speech.

    Porygon nodded and slowly hovered its body closer to the Professor. Its eyes became determined on the collection of Dell computers towards the center of the lab, however.

    “I want you to use a Hyper Beam attack!” he shouted the command towards the Porygon.

    Porygon ignored the order and slowly glided over to one of the abandoned computers that sat unattended to in the laboratory. It circled around the computer, and began to shine with a dim glow.

    “Porygon...? What are you trying to do?” I asked it. I knew it could not answer, but I hoped that it would have understood me, and somehow could have given me some idea as to what its intentions were as it continued to bob around the computer, glowing more.

    Porygon positioned its body in front of the computer screen. The computer’s screen flickered on and the Porygon went straight towards it. The little multi-shaped Pokemon entered the computer and appeared in a cell-shaded form on the computer screen.

    “Porygon!” Professor Smith shouted. He ran to the computer to observe what the Pokémon was doing and what it was planning to do.

    The Porygon moved straight to the Internet Explorer icon, and seemed to have disappeared into it as soon as it stopped. After the digitally programmed Pokemon entered the icon, the icon on the screen was highlighted as if it had been clicked on, which was quite impossible seeing as the two professors stood dumbstruck, staring idly at the screen, trying to reason what had just happened.

    “Oh dear... this is worse than I thought,” Professor Smith said to me. a worried expression creased the fine lines along his face, and it seemed like he did not know how to explain what dangers Porygon may have on the Internet.

    “Professor, is it really that bad that it just went on the web?” I questioned. I didn’t have any clue as to what dangers it could possibly have from surfing the Internet, although I was quite nervous to find out what they were from Professor Smith‘s facial and body expressions.

    “Yes, it is.” He gulped, reaching his hand up to scratch his short, chubby fingers aimlessly over the back of his head as he stared in horror at the computer. “You see, Porygon’s intelligence is top-notch and remarkably high. If Porygon manages to reach another computer that does not belong to us, the Pokemon may be in danger of Firewalls and Internet Securities that people may have on their computer. Porygon is also capable of shut ting down all ways of Internet communication, and disrupting the ability to send data to others. With Porygon in cyberspace, our chances of pinpointing the exact coordinates of where it may end up is jus about virtually impossible,” Smith sighed. He sat firmly in the wooden chair, as the loud creaking of the chair echoed around the lab.

    “Don’t worry, Professor. We will find that Porygon before anything can happen to it or before anyone can even notice it lurking in cyberspace.” I said in a fail attempt to ease him. He was deep in thought and, by the look of his expression, deeply concerned and worried, too.

    “Hey, Smith! How have things been going with you? And how about your wife and children?” I asked my old friend. We had not worked together in over ten years in the laboratory. His aged skin complemented the long, gray, curly hair that reached to his broad shoulders. He still wore the white lab coat from years ago when we both inhabited the same working area. His insanely large glasses were among the finest glasses up-to-date. Brown shoes that completely showed especially with his high businessmen pants, which barely reached his ankles covered in black tube socks. I knew he had probably suffered from memory loss, as do many older people, but I respected him and still eagerly waited to hear his voice.

    “Kevin, it’s great to see you again! I’ve been doing splendid! My wife and two kids are doing swell, they have just graduated fifth and sixth grade, so they've been handling how they'd focus their time mainly on their next year of school!” he shouted. He was very excited to see me once again. We both came to visit the old lab we used to work in years ago. Many things have changed. I brushed off my brown leather suit with my tanned, hairy hands to remove easily spotted lint. After the lint was removed, I stuck my hand deep into my pockets, which seemed to have a hole inside. I didn’t know how to initiate a conversation; it’s pretty hard to when you haven’t communicated with a good friend over many years. My face started to itch an unbearably itch; one that feels like it’d never fade away. My hand reached past my pale face, and scratched right above my slate gray mustache, but just a few centimeters below my large, rosy nose.

    The lab was still modernized with the newest forms of technology that get produced. The tiles encased onto the floor were still in place with only a few of them being cracked. It appeared to me that the lab had been under great care, which made me feel appreciated inside. Crystal tiles were placed tightly against the floor, along with futuristic gadgets and wires lined the walls of the room. Dell computers consumed the laboratory in every different direction on every available table that hadn’t already been used for something else.

    I smiled after the reply. We were still overwhelmed with excitement to see each other, and our lab, again. He shifted his attention towards some burn marks that seemed impossible to get rid of near two computers that centered a small table near the corner of the room.

    “That is great to hear! I've been also doing good myself, just been a little occupied with my new job working at Verizon. And, hey, Smith? This place looks better than it did years ago, huh?” I asked Smith. We were both still filled with joy at finally seeing each other. I looked towards the area where the damage had been made, and awaited his response.

    “Of course, Kevin! And it looks like most of the explosion that took place years ago has finally been cleaned up. But I do always wonder what became of our Porygon,” he said. His eyes seemed to cloud over as his gaze settled on the computer that remained untouched since the accident years ago. It seemed to have an eerie aura to it, almost as if Porygon itself were lurking within its hard drive, ready to spring to life and pounce out at them. They each stared uneasily at the computer.

    “I know, I know. And here is the exact computer Porygon entered, remember? Oh, the memories,” I said, as I looked towards Smith’s serious face. He looked like he wanted to say something, but it was not too clear if he would build up the will to say what he wanted. He took a deep breath, held it, and then sighed. He seemed to be ignoring my words – I knew Porygon was on his mind.

    “Yes, you are correct. If only I didn’t let our creation escape into the Internet. Who knows? Maybe we could have showcased it at that Science Convention three years ago. I just hope we get t-...” the Professor paused in the middle of his sentence, stammering. His focus shifted towards the computer screen, the same exact one Porygon entered years ago.

    “What the-...?” I was very confused. I looked at the computer screen as well. It slowly seemed to start glowing, as if it were booting up, it was an old, outdated computer after all. The only reason that its presence was permitted in the lab was because of Professor Smith‘s determination to keep it here. He held a strong and firm belief that if the Porygon were to ever wished to return, it would be through that computer. Despite the annoyance of our fellow professors in keeping such an out-of-date “waste of space“, Professor Smith seemed to have more focus on that computer than any of the newer ones that ran three times as fast with more memory. Alas, here it was in front of us now, turning on by itself as it did those years ago when Porygon entered it. Finally, it finished booting up, with the Internet Explorer icon highlighted once more. It seemed to quiver as if it were clicked and dragged a bit, and the cell-shaded Porygon appeared on the screen, with the same blank gaze. The small icon seemed to grow as if it were approaching the screen.

    Porygon exited the screen and reappeared back into our world slowly, as if carefully pulling a sticker from a piece of paper, it looked as if it were trying to free itself from a sticky residue left in the screen. It appeared to be cheerful after it locked its hexagonal eyes on us. The cyberspace Pokemon slowly floated above us and started to examine us carefully.

    “Kevin, what do you predict Porygon was doing all those years in the Internet?” Smith asked me, astounded. He stood in front of the computer screen the Porygon emerged from to prevent it from leaving again, as if he were blockading the Pokemon. It was one of the only computers that were on, so the other Dell computers didn’t really need to be covered, especially since it appeared to use the main one as means of cyber-travel.

    “Porygon, you will stay and you will obey us!” I shouted to the gleeful Pokemon. It seemed to not have paid the slightest attention to my order.

    A tremendous amount of light exerted from the cyber Pokemon and went in all sorts of directions as it lit up every section of the room. Every computer automatically turned on at the same rate, and Porygon transported itself into the closest uncovered computer with a rapid jolt of energy. The dimension Porygon created faded away, and suddenly the entrance into cyberspace closed.

    “I can’t believe we let him get away… again,” I murmured to Professor Smith. I sighed, turned my head to the left, and saw him take a seat on the chair by the computer Porygon exploited. We were baffled with how foolish we were to have let it escape our grasps again.

    “No, Kevin, not again,” Smith said. He turned to face the computer, it was still on from when Porygon remerged from the computer not even a few minutes ago, Smith started typing at an unbelievable rate, and managed to pinpoint which computer Porygon sent itself to since it had not been long since it went into cyberspace.

    Target Pinpointed

    “There we go, Kevin. According to this tracker, Porygon should be two houses away. If we get there quick enough, we may just be able to trap it, and force it to come out! Now grab those two Pokeballs in my bag on the table, and follow me!” he ordered me, and ran out the door into his navy blue car. The interior design was modernized with a GPA, built-in computer, and other required equipment. All seats of the car were created with a black, leather material, and a caramel-toned carpet.

    I reached inside, but just as my hand was within grasping distance of them, I realized that I did not see just two of the ruby-and-white spherical shaped objects, but four of them. I didn’t know which two he specifically wanted, so I grabbed them all.

    “But the computers are two houses awa-… Oh, whatever. I’m coming right now, Smith!” I yelled. After I stuffed the four Pokeballs into my pockets, I ran out through the door and jumped straight into the car.

    The engines roared to life and the tires skidded as the car was initiated. We drove off not even thirty feet, and reached our destination.

    “Here we are, Kevin. Are you ready?” my old pal asked me. He took his jacket off and tossed it into the backseats.

    “You betcha, we‘re not going to let this Porygon escape us again.” I responded back to Smith with uncertainty, as I opened my door, and looked above at the house that appeared to have become vacant many years ago, it had a creepy, haunted feel to it as we approached it. None of us knew what to expect, but by the looks of the broken wooden front door, cracked windows, and gloomy appearance, we assumed it wouldn’t be one of our greatest journeys. The abandoned house towered at about three-stories high, and no light could be seen through the windows. Smoke puffed heavily out of the chimney, so either there was a new resident - who I hoped had intentions of fixing the house up or at least attempting to make it livable, or it was just haunted – I preferred my first assumption.

    “Let’s go,” he immediately said. He locked the car doors, and we walked across the dirt path that was surrounded with dead trees and clumps of dried, shriveled and discolored grass. Vague, bright-yellow eyes glared at us from atop the trees, but their bodies remained too dark for us to know what it was. Small, dry, yellow clouds of dust lifted above the curved path after each step we took. We approached the dark gray door that had various cracks and holes towards the top and bottom of it. We both took a quick glimpse of each other and slowly reached towards the shiny, golden doorknob, which surprised us with its fresh look. Before we even touched the knob, the door opened itself.

    “Seems pretty weird, but we are on an urgent mission, Kevin. We need not be afraid of whatever may come our way; don’t forget the Pokemon we have that I told you to bring. With them inside, we have nothing to fear,” Smith said confidently. He seemed more bold than usual, but of course I wouldn’t complain about his sudden burst of courage.

    “Yes, Smith. We’re going to find that Porygon, so let’s go!” We ran inside the abandoned house. The cold, wooden door tightly shut right behind us. I looked around my left and right – the house was lined with couches with springs that pointed out from the seat and paintings that seemed to date back to the Renaissance, a time where young, creative minds expressed their feelings onto their canvases. A dusty television set with cobwebs, a tall, brown Grandfather Clock with a rusty interior, and staircases with red carpets that was placed tightly onto each individual step were all located towards my left. The smell of socks and dirty laundry circled the area, which made the journey here all the less enjoyable. A vague mist shrouded the area and made eyesight poor.

    “I’m assuming the computer should be located on the second floor, Kevin. Let’s take the stairs and hurry!” Smith yelled and we both ran to the stairs.

    We quickly ran past the rugged carpets and the dusty wooden floor that had nothing that protected it from gathered dust. Once we drew closer to the stairs, I grabbed the wood-crafted railing, which appeared to have pieces of chipped wood stick out. Each step we took the creaked sound of the steps grew louder and louder. The designs of the stair’s carpet looked exquisitely unique and interesting, but I had no time to stop to examine the fine work. Towards the top step there was a large chandelier that dangled precariously from the ceiling on a bunch of black, thin wires that released little jolts of electricity as it passed through into the chandelier.

    “Here we are, Smith. There are four rooms up here, so let’s start from the first one on the left and work our way from there,” My confidence began to build as I said that to Smith. We both nodded at each other, and walked across the scarcely lit hallway. As we approached the first door, we opened it and examined the room – a rather large king-sized bed with purple quilts and pillows, a dresser with shattered glass pieces scattered randomly upon the two red books placed upon it. I questioned myself: “What in God’s name happened here?” Of course, I didn’t know. The scent of roses swirled the area, but it barely complemented the appearance of the room.

    “No computer here, Kevin,” he said. We walked out the room and closed the door behind us. Not too far away, we approached the second door. This door was about seven-feet high and four-feet wide, and entirely made of wood. I reached my hand towards the golden doorknob and twisted the oddly smooth and clean handle to open the door. We entered the room, but all we saw was nothing except a wooden floor, faded, old wallpaper with various images of cherubs and angels was torn at some spots, some rips leaving eerie imprints in the paneled wood underneath almost like claw marks… I shook my head and looked around, this room had a television set similar to the one we encountered on the bottom floor.

    “Hmm...” Smith hummed curiously to himself. We walked in against our own free will, as if some strange force pulled us into the room – the door slammed behind us!

    “What the hell?” I wanted to shout, but with what just happened, I didn’t want to do something that may have set off yet another trick. We were now trapped inside a room, and as I turned around to pull the golden doorknob, I realized with a pang of horror that the door would not budge open. After I looked at Smith, we both shifted our attention towards the ominous television, almost free of will.

    The television turned itself on to one of those buzzing channels that display a lot of white and black snowy dots when you lose connection. A white screen soon consumed the television set and a loud, deafening beep sound set loose around the room. My eyes instinctively squinted tight, eventually closing all together as the white screen became uncomfortably bright, growing more luminous still as the sound of the beep increased in volume as well.

    “Kevin, do you have the slightest idea what’s happening?” Smith shouted to vocalize himself above the beeps. He removed his wrinkled hands from his ears to hear my response, wincing at the sound from the television.

    “No, Smith!” I shouted back to him. I placed my hands back over my ears, because the beeps were growing deafening. My eyes slowly opened, and looked towards the television – there were two, bulged-out, white eyes that stared at both Smith and I.

    The eyes closed, and a body started to emerge from the screen. It appeared in our world and showed itself to us.

    “Smith, isn’t that a Rotom?” I said. I didn’t have to yell since the beeps paused once the Rotom exited from the television.

    “Yes… I think it is. But, Rotom, why? Why have you trapped us here?” Smith questioned the Rotom. I didn’t have any idea if it understood human speech or not.

    Rotom’s orange, triangular-shaped body and light blue electricity jolted out from the bottom of its body. Rotom vigorously hovered up and down above us as we watched it. I wondered if it didn’t understand us, or it just plain-out ignored our questions.

    It formed swirling, purple energy around its ghostly body, and launched them in rays and waves that went straight towards us. Something inside told me that this was Confuse Ray.

    “Smith, get out of the way!” I shouted. I lunged my body in an attempt to get him out of the way, but the sinister ray had already made contact with him. My body slid across the floor and into the wall, as a large amount of dust raised up. I wanted to see if my old friend was all right, but Rotom started to grin at me, and then it let of a loud cry.

    “Rooooootom,” it shouted, as it appeared to charge up for a Shadow Ball attack.

    The natural radiation of light that was emitting from Rotom’s body seemed to dim for a moment, then the plasma-like Pokemon seemed to glow with an extraordinarily bright light as the dimmed silhouette of the Pokemon appeared to be displaced from its body, tightening its focus into a dark, black ball that quivered uneasily, as it rocketed forward to Smith and me.

    “Smith, duck!” I shouted to him, but the command was vocalized too late.

    The Shadow Ball hit the both of us and sent us through the dingy, wooden door. The door shattered into many pieces as the shards of wood exploded behind us and we flew through one of the windows in the hallway that sent us outside. We were shot through a couple of trees that were in the front of the house and ended up on the cold, dirt path once again. Bruised and cut up, we laid there on the cold earth below us with very little energy to get up.

    “Are you okay, Smith?” I managed to gather enough strength to ask him. He placed his hand over his head that had a large, red lump on his forehead and grunted as he did so. He must have hit his head hard upon the ground or tree.

    “...Where are we? Are you fine, Kevin?” he vaguely responded. He looked around in a 360 degree turn, and looked back at me. His face changed into a confused one, as he kept rubbing his head.

    “I’m okay… but by now Porygon probably is within a different city… we better get back to the lab and fix ourselves up, and hopefully, we will be able to track it once again. But it appears that Rotom used Confuse Ray on you and wiped away parts of your memory. I really do hope this doesn't affect anything, and I'm sure it'll wear off soon, so there shouldn't be much to worry about, sir,” I said, as I found even more energy to rise myself up. I walked over to him and grabbed his hand to pull him up.

    “Sounds like a good idea, Kevin,” he responded in agreement. He didn’t have too much energy to give his own input on my idea, or to respond. I knew he just wanted to lie down and sleep for week at this point. We slowly limped away from the abandoned house and made it to his car as a clock tower in the distance chimed, notifying us that it was noon.

    “Hey, Kwiatkowski,” a deep voice growled like a lion from the entrance of David Kwiatkowski’s meager cubicle in the middle of the office, David looked up, biting his lip nervously as he recognized the voice. He had been poring over some newspaper clippings he held in his lap, neglecting his work. The office had recently been refurbished. The walls were cloaked in old statistics from previous years, each paper barely pinned onto the wall, like a frail leaf barely hanging on the tree's stem in the midst of fall. Fluorescent lights consumed the area in a bright, blue hue. Crystalline tiles lined the floors, evenly placed tightly against one another, resembling an army of soldiers preparing for combat.

    “Where is the census I asked for this morning? How in God’s name do you plan on doing your job if you can’t even take census every morning? Jesus, Kwiatkowski, twenty people could have died and you’re too busy reading the damned paper?”

    “Uh, oh,” David mumbled, casting the newspapers aside nervously as he pulled up the Excel program on his computer, obscuring the standard logo of ’North Oakland Medical Center’ on his desktop’s wallpaper, “yeah, I’ll get to it.”

    His boss, Sherman O’Malley, living up to the temperamental Irish stereotype, continued to prowl through the cubicles, barking orders to people occasionally, to the point where by the time he reached his office, his face had grown the same bright shade of red as his hair. Looking down at his work, David sighed as he continued to take census.

    Several hours passed, and as lunch break drew near, David kept glancing nervously at the newspaper clippings beside him, they seemed to be taunting him right now, as if they were whispering, “read me… read me…”. Shaking his head furiously, David turned back to his computer, glancing down at the small digital clock in the corner of his computer repeatedly as it grew nearer to noon.

    At several minutes to noon, David leaned back in his chair to stretch, looking at O’Malley’s office to see that the door was closed shut. Smiling a little, David leaned forward in his chair, opening Internet Explorer on his computer. He waited for it to load, drumming his fingers nervously on his desk as he reached back for the newspaper on the other side of his desk.

    He pulled it open carefully, taking it as if it were something delicate as he scanned through the articles, smiling to himself as he found a tiny article on the bottom of the page reading, “Mad Scientists Release Virus?”

    David continued to read on, slowly lowering the newspaper onto his desk as he examined the picture of two men carefully. One appeared to be darker in complex ion, smiling weakly at the photographer, with a slight tuft of hair along his upper lip. The other man, looking much older in age, simply glared at the camera, his eyes dark as his forehead bore great lines across it. The caption underneath the photo read, “left, Kevin and right, Smith; the scientists known to have released the virus, “Porygon” into cyberspace.”

    Taking a deep breath, David adjusted the position the paper on his keyboard. Of course, this newspaper was nearly ten years old - he had to be careful with it. He read on how the two “mad” scientists had been conducting an experiment to create a super virus, as the article put it, into cyberspace as a surefire way to obtain personal information and perform one of the biggest cases of identity theft imaginable.

    David frowned at this, looking at the two men. They did not appear to be thieves, but they did appear… troubled. Of course, David reassured himself, anyone would appear troubled if they were being accused of such an act.

    Continuing back to the article that David had read so many times before, he bit a piece of dry skin off his lip nervously as he proceeded to reread the part of the article that interested him.

    “Be sure to keep all firewalls and anti-virus programs running and up-to-date on your computer as you surf the Web. The program, “Porygon”, has been known to be vicious and will attack without forewarning. Remember the basics of Internet safety, do not share your password or personal information with people you do not know or do not trust. Keep all information to yourself. If you have experienced any odd or malicious behavior detected on your PC, report this IMMEDIATELY. Do not try to confront the program on your own, as it can be dangerous - if not deadly.”

    The last part had confused David immensely, and he was sure it confused everyone else who read this as well, since several weeks after this newspaper had been printed, another newspaper had been printed as well, saying that the program was still at large, however dormant considering that there had been no cases of identity theft that could be traced back to occurring from the “malicious Porygon program.”

    David sighed and stretched back in his chair, scratching his scalp as his stomach growled for lunch. He picked up the Styrofoam cup. The steam lifted into the atmosphere like pale, vaporous smoke exhaled out of the mouth on a cold, winter day. The soothing aroma caressed David's senses, seeping through his lungs like silk. His mouth watered as the coffee drew closer towards his quivering lips, only to be taken in by a desperate yearning in his mouth. The coffee warmed his tingling tongue with an army of curious taste buds, slipping through his ever-welcoming throat. He placed the cup down after one refreshing gulp and felt a sudden boost of energy and activity. Remembering that he had opened Internet Explorer, David carefully stacked the newspapers in a pile under his desk as he turned to his computer. He frowned curiously, the Internet Explorer icon remained highlighted, but did not open.

    David moved the cursor over again, and double clicked the icon. Again, it remained highlighted, but showed no sign of attempting to load. Groaning, David stood up to talk to Ronald, the “technical expert” of their department, but just as he stood up, the screen turned all white and harshly bright.

    “What the-…” David started to say, several by passers stopped to see what was going on in his cubicle, as he stared dumbstruck at the screen, the pixels had started moving like a ripple when stone hits water. From the center of the ripple, a baby blue shape emerged, followed by the rest of the form, a soft bubblegum pink face with blank white eyes. David’s eyes widened as the rest of the figure emerged, its body a pink and blue mass of odd shapes and edges.

    Stumbling back from the… thing, David tripped over his chair, sending it spinning out of his cubicle as several people scattered now, running back to their desks for Pokeballs or to call for help. The thing that had emerged from David’s computer floated above the cubicle, wandering the office idly as it appeared to be taking in its surroundings. The door in O’Malley’s office slammed open, nearly knocking a frantic man carrying paperwork into the wall, as he looked back at his boss and rushed back to his cubicle.

    “What is going on out-…” O’Malley bellowed, before his eyes settled on the polygonal mass floating about his office.

    “Porygon… Somebody let Porygon into this office!?” O’Malley screeched, his voice unearthly high.

    “Pory…gon?” David murmured to himself, looking back at the pink and blue object. If it really was Porygon, why had it gotten through the company’s massive amount of anti-virus protections and firewall? No virus, despite how malicious, could have made it through that. Unless, David gulped, it wasn’t a virus after all. What if, he thought as people continued to run about, gathering their belongings and Pokeballs from this unknown threat, this “virus” was really a Pokemon?

    Gathering a new thread of hope, David scrambled for his Pokeballs on his desk, selecting several, as well as a few Ultra Balls that he stashed in his back pocket, and running for the Porygon which was now peering out of the floor-to-ceiling windows on the far side of the office.

    “Kwiatkowski!” Mr. O’Malley shouted, “What are you doing? You need to get out of here until that thing is taken care of!”

    “It’s just a Pokemon!” David shouted back, clutching one of the Pokeballs in his fist.

    “Just a… Pokemon?” O’Malley repeated, frowning. He stared at the Porygon for a moment, then ran back into his office with a new determination in his face, and reappeared as he, too, now was clutching a single Pokeball in his fist.

    David thrust one of his Pokeballs into the air, as a scarlet beam of red light erupted from inside, fading to reveal a large tan and yellow bird with a trail of red and yellow feathers fluttering down from its head. Its great wingspan and wide body showed to be intimidating in the small, tightly-packed office. Porygon's Special Attack has been increased from its ability, Download, due to Pidgeot's lower Defense. One super-effective move from this dangerous Pokemon could mean the end of Pidgeot.

    “Pidgeot!” David shouted, “Use a Wing Attack on the Porygon!”

    Pidgeot responded immediately, rising up to the fluorescent lights of the office where the mood of the area dramatically changed, then streaked down with its extraordinary right wing colliding into the Porygon, knocking it back several feet, but appearing to not phase it much.

    “Kwiatkowski,” O’Malley said from behind him, lifting his own Pokeball, preparing to throw it, “you really don’t know about that Porygon, do you? It made national news. National news. It was created in Harvard, I remember reading, and if it made it all the way here to California, you can’t underestimate it. We know absolutely nothing about this… Pokemon,” he said the final word uneasily, glancing at the idle Porygon that hovered nearby, “except that it could be dangerous - and is extremely powerful.”

    David looked back at the Porygon, as the remaining of the office workers had finally fled, leaving just David Kwiatkowski, and his long-hated boss, O’Malley as they faced the Pokemon. A few potted plants had been knocked over, their soil spilling out from the frantic fleeing of the others, and a few chairs were lying on their sides around the cubicles. The space they stood in remained relatively undisturbed, the cubicles lined to their right and the great window on their left streaming in sunlight.

    Without a word or warning, O’Malley his Pokeball into the air, as an identical crimson streak of light raced do the ground, revealing a squat, navy blue Pokemon that stood on its stout hind legs. It had great white fists, and two small eyes that were perched on its head, it turned a bit to face its master, revealing a great white belly with a hypnotic black swirl in it. It looked fierce, glancing from the Porygon, to David’s hovering Pidgeot above it, to David himself, and finally rested its eyes on O’Malley, its gaze softening a bit.

    “Poliwrath,” O’Malley barked in such a fierce tone that was familiar to David, “use a Waterfall attack!”

    Poliwrath lurched forward, shooting a forceful spray of water from the center of its stomach as it ran into the Porygon simultaneously. Porygon bravely stayed in place while Poliwrath charged further and barely dodged the powerful move, hitting it on the lower-right side of its body. The Poliwrath jumped back unscathed from the force, as the Porygon quivered a little bit, sinking in the air slightly as it gathered the strength to look back at the attackers.

    Something seemed to dawn in its eyes, as it identified them as threats. The Porygon floated up a bit, at equal level with David’s Pidgeot, and started to glow dimly, rejuvenating itself with Recover. After a moment, it looked ready to fight, its blank eyes seemed angry, even.

    “Pidgeot,” David jumped up to seize the chance, “use U-Turn!”

    Pidgeot responded immediately once again, diving for the Porygon as it attacked it straight on with its beak, making it recoil back a bit, using the momentum to fly back to David in a single, swift movement, where David recalled the bird Pokemon, thrusting another Pokeball into the air.

    A much larger Pokemon’s silhouette appeared in the bright red light, fading to reveal an enormous fiery orange and black-striped hound with a mane of pale yellow fur lining its face, and billowing out as its tail. The Arcanine barked excitedly, puffing out a plume of white-gray smoke as it looked intently at the Porygon.

    “Poliwrath,” O’Malley cut in, “use Brick Break!”

    The Poliwrath ran forward, its fists tightening as it leaped up once more, pounding its fists mercilessly into the Porygon. The Porygon buckled under the attack, falling down to the ground from the attack, yet remaining vigilant and keeping airborne.

    “Kwiatkowski,” O’Malley turned to David, “what types of Pokemon are weak to Fighting-type attacks?”

    “Uh, Normal… and Dark-types, I think.” David recited, racking his brain through the seventeen known types.

    “I think Porygon is a Normal-type,” O’Malley reasoned, looking at the fresh bruises on the opposing Pokemon’s body, “none of our other attacks hurt it that much.”

    I nodded, agreeing with O’Malley as the Porygon started to glow once more. I expected it to recover itself again, but instead of absorbing the light, the light was discharged from its body in all directions.

    “A Discharge attack?” David shout ed to O’Malley over the sound of crackling electricity emitting from the Porygon. The lightning struck out, knocking Arcanine back a bit, almost paralyzing, as the great dog-like Pokemon barked out in pain. The Poliwrath buckled to its knees as the electricity continued to sizzle around its body, the electric currents visible in the Water-type Pokemon’s translucent skin. Poliwrath stumbled to its feet, its sides rising and falling tremendously from the impact of the attack. David knew that Poliwrath wouldn’t be able to take another Discharge attack from the Porygon.

    “Arcanine, try for a Fire Blast attack!” David shouted, turning his attention back to his own Pokemon, as Arcanine gaped its mouth wide, revealing its sharp fangs and great pink maw, David turned back to O’Malley quickly.

    “Can Poliwrath learn Aqua Ring, or Recover, or any other move like that?” David demanded.

    “No, it can’t,” O’Malley said resolutely, “but, my Poliwrath does know Protect.” He put in quickly.

    “Try and keep your Poliwrath protected when you see Porygon glowing again. This Pokemon is strong, and unless you have any other Pokemon on you then we can’t take any chances.”

    “Don’t have to tell me twice,” O’Malley grunted, turning back to the battle as a great star-shaped plume of fire soared through the air, consuming the small Porygon’s body. When the fire faded, leaving a trail of smoke. The Porygon was now drifting lazily to the floor, its body still bruised, and now greatly scorched, from the attacks.

    The Porygon began to glow again, David felt a knot tighten in his stomach - if it recovered now… the battle would go on for ages, and if it used Discharge, then he just hoped that O’Malley had the well-being of his Poliwrath in his mind.

    Just as predicted, it started to shoot currents of electricity from its body once again, this time soaring forward so that the impact of the shock would be more powerful. Without warning, O’Malley shouted for his Poliwrath to use Protect.

    Without hesitation, the Poliwrath jumped to life and a pearly-blue barrier formed around the Pokemon, where the currents of electricity hit the barrier, they diminished in a small puff of white smoke and the barrier merely rippled.

    The computers around the area had been going haywire, as they all turned on, off, back on, and went to various popular websites, such as Google and Yahoo. Lights flickered in the main room, as did the insignificant lights that were merely used to light up desks.

    Porygon charged up yet again, charging its remaining power for a Tri Attack. Yellow jolts of electricity, eruption of fire rings, and icicles formed around Porygon, surrounding it. It shot it straight at the Arcanine, carefully aiming to hit it on the back.

    Arcanine, on the other hand, was not as lucky as Poliwrath when avoiding the attack. The force of the electricity made it sink to a kind of sitting-position, its claws scrambling the ground as electricity scorched its usually heat-resistant fur. Arcanine grunted, attempting to rise to its feet once again as it glared hatefully at the Porygon. Without any command from David, the Arcanine scrambled forward, gaping its mouth wide as fire burst around its fangs and maw, giving it a wild, feral look as it lurched forward and sank its teeth hard against the Porygon’s metallic skin. The Porygon was thrust down into the ground by Arcanine, who was still clamping its jaws tightly on the Pokemon. Instinctively, David reached for one of the Ultra Balls he had stowed in his back pocket, and pulled it out, aiming and throwing it at the Porygon who was held mercilessly in Arcanine’s jaws before him.

    Smith and I entered through the doubled-doors, and rushed in. We walked towards the weakened Porygon, and gazed in astonishment.

    “Smith, look!” I shouted. Smith's memory was slowly, but surely returning. He was awe-struck, as he shifted his attention towards the damaged area, and bruised Porygon.

    The Porygon disappeared in a flash of white light as the Ultra Ball thudded to the ground. David smirked as the ball rocked on the lustrous, black flooring. A plan was already forging in his mind as to what he could do with such a unique, intelligent Pokemon such as Porygon...

    Arcanine stared vengefully at the ball as it wiggled back and forth...

    "lets get chesnaughty" Nitro 12:52 am
    nuts in my mouf

    Hannah Warder 7:50 pm
    fd is a beautiful chocolate man

  2. #2
    Termina Fierce Deity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    New York

    Default Re: Cyber Ejection

    Pokemon Attempted: Porygon
    Category: Demanding @_@
    Characters: 48,670

    inb4 wont be graded until 12/9/12

    "lets get chesnaughty" Nitro 12:52 am
    nuts in my mouf

    Hannah Warder 7:50 pm
    fd is a beautiful chocolate man

  3. #3
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010

    Default Re: Cyber Ejection

    Claiming. And nah, I'll have it done before then. Probably.
    Fierce Deity likes this.
    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
    I quickly slammed the palm of my hand onto a butt
    Ranger | Grader | Ref | Curator
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  4. #4
    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010

    Default Re: Cyber Ejection

    Ejection of the Cyber Variety
    @Fierce Deity

    Sorry it took so long. Family stuff and busy stuff and then lazy stuff too XD. I had the majority of it done, but then School started up, and it was a little rough working out a schedule where I could do everything and still get it done.

    I haven't graded in a long time, so if parts are rougher than others, that's probably why. This one's going to be more in-depth since it's Demanding rank and all. Gotta pull out all the stops this time. If you have any questions about anything, please let me know ASAP.


    Intro: Alright, here we go. Introductions are pretty key to any story written, since their main job is to draw people in and hope that the content keeps them there for the rest of the tale. That said, it's crucial that the beginning makes some sort of impression. It doesn't have to be jump-out-at-your-face style all the time, but it should probably be memorable in some way, either by an oddity, a burst of conflict, or another dramatic event.

    I like that you started the fic off with a piece of dialogue. That's my favorite way of seeing a story begin, since with just one line you can spark a whole set of questions that makes a reader keep wanting to do just that. It's especially good that the speech you started with is fairly ominous since that makes people wonder even more.

    For me, the introduction doesn't just start and end with a few paragraphs or lines. I think the intro encompasses most of the beginning of the story until you get to the main bulk of what it's about. That's another thing the intro should do; hint and introduce parts of what the story is about. You accomplish this too, by saying the scientists are going to create Porygon.

    While that makes sense for your story, revealing their goal right away is a little bit of a downer because this is not a new idea. Creating Porygon has been done many times before, and it's hard to create more interest in a recurring topic unless you have some sort of spark that sets it apart from the rest.

    The intro also shows what a reader can expect from the story as far as content goes. It sets a standard, and it also hints to mood and tone. There are a few conflicting emotions in the beginning that sort of create a bit of confusion at first, but I can't really tell if it's good or not. While I think it's beneficial in keeping what direction the story is going a mystery, it also breaks the flow a little, as readers are unsure what the atmosphere is like. That was here:
    The excitement he felt must have been incomparable to anything I felt, for despite my own anxiousness in the creation of Porygon, it was almost as if I could feel Professor Smith’s tension radiating in the room.
    This is more of a word choice thing, but all three of these words mean different things. I would think excitement is right, and anxiousness (unease at waiting for something) would've worked to contrast the two characters if tension hadn't been thrown in there too, since tension is more like strain or hostility. It's a little different from excitement. Just keep in mind things like this, especially in the begging of a story, as that helps set the mood. It will help the reader paint a clear picture of what's happening.

    I think the intro does a fine job of showing what's going on, but I think it could've been a little smoother and more mysterious for this level of story. The lab description really threw me off when it showed up right after your small section of dialogue. To me, what the two men are doing is much more important than what the room looks like. What they're trying to do is much more likely to draw me in than a laboratory. I think that the description section could've been moved a bit, like when Kevin was waiting for Smith to finish his papers, i.e, some downtime where nothing was really going on. That way it keeps the action flowing a little bit until you get to a good cool down point.

    I also think maybe hiding their agenda until later might've added to the suspense as well, instead of giving up the ghost right away. That way you can avoid some of the cliched thinking from showing what the story is about so soon. The scientists being frustrated without the reader knowing why would add to the pressing feeling and make the readers wonder why it's happening.

    The only other real thing I would've liked to see here is a more detailed description of the two characters. There's subtle hints here and there instead of it being thrown into the reader's face, which I like very much, but there isn't really enough of it to paint a clear picture. The movie in my head is sort of two fuzzy old guys with lab coats moving around without many defining points.

    The dialogue was a good start, though. Usually, the more ominous, the better, since that will provide the greatest effect. Definitely use this again for the next story if you need a good opener.

    Plot: This part might be a little longer, since plot is one of, if not the most, important thing in a story. Especially a story of this high rank. If your introduction lures readers in, the plot should keep them there. Since higher rank stories are so long, it's very important that this be engaging enough to keep readers from getting bored or stopping. A lot of people don't have large attention spans.

    According to the guide, Demanding rank stories need refined grammar, important description, and a strong storyline throughout the fic. I think the most efficient way to comment about this part is to go from start to finish in order, for time line sake.

    I struggled a bit to sum up your story into one sentence. Basically, they create the Pokemon, it leaves, it comes back, it leaves, it shows up, and someone tries to catch it. When put in simple terms, it looks a lot like 'Trainer wanders around until a Pokemon appears', and for Demanding rank, that's going to need a bit more spice than that. I know some other minor stuff happens, but that's the gist of it.

    This had a really big potential. Even if the storyline had been somewhat done before, there was a lot of opportunity to expand. I feel that the really interesting stuff you ended up summarizing, which made me a little sad. I'll get to that point in a minute. For now I'll start at the beginning.

    Creating Porygon seemed pretty simple. Almost too simple. There was probably a lot of prior work involved, but it wasn't really brought up at all. I don't know too much about coding, but isn't it a little odd that they only had to try two lines of code to get it right? Smith did work for a little bit on it, but it was still pretty fast. And how did he determine a line of code would make it work? What did the code stand for? How did they determine that what they created would actually be a Pokemon and not just some digital computer program? How did they decide on the name (besides that being the mon you're trying to capture)?

    These are some of the things I found myself asking, and going off on one or more of those lines could've added some more interest into what they were doing. The process would've made a really cool angle to take this story down. Seeing the rules for a particular universe is usually fascinating in some way, and approaching a used story line with an interesting aspect livens it up and sets it apart from the other stories that are similar.

    Some sort of flair like that would also make it easier to get into. For me that was a little hard, since I pretty much knew what was going to happen. Predictable is sometimes okay, but twists and turns really surprise and please the readers. That's just something to think about for next time.

    Another thing I wondered about was the scientists' motivation. Why did they want to create a Pokemon in the first place? Fame was mentioned, but do they have other motives? Did they need extra funding for the lab? Did one of their family members get ill and need a demanding amount of cash to treat? Did the mob force them into it for some nefarious purpose? Those are a little extreme, but undergoing a task like they are would need a little something to keep them going I would think, even if they could be famous afterward. Like you pointed out in the beginning, Kevin was doubtful they could even pull it off. So why go through with it? Showing the readers some sort of drive lets us see a bit of character development and it helps prevent the characters from becoming flat. Goals and stresses makes them more real and lets readers relate to them instead of just seeing some words on a page.

    The Porygon coming to life was pretty neat, with the flashy stuff you had in there. I'm wondering though, did they expect the Porygon to be perfectly obedient just because it understood them? Without taking precautions? While it worked for your story, it seemed a little reckless for the two scientists who had struggled long and hard to make this work. Even stranger was that he commanded a Hyper Beam in the lab with all the computers? That sounds like expensive clean up ._.

    Whatever the case, the way you have it is fine, it's just a little puzzling. Maybe some explanation from your characters' point of view would help? Since you wrote the first part in first person, that would give a great opportunity to explain what the two men had planned out for the Pokemon and why they did the things they did.

    Then, there's a time skip to about ten years in the future and the two scientists come back to the lab and remember about the Porygon that escaped, only to have it come back and disappear again. This time they're able to track it and tail it to the neighboring house in the attempt to capture it.

    The abrupt cut and fast forward blindsided me a bit (especially because there is no page break between the two different time period sections), and it left me really confused for a few minutes. This is where I think some of the heavier plot stuff could've come into play. Why were they back in the lab after so long? What had they been doing in those ten years since the Porygon incident? What happened with that? Had they reported it? Had it caused any problems? Did they get in trouble or gain fame from it?

    This part is still in first person, so even hints as to what happened would've been really cool. I found myself asking why they were even there most of the time, since there wasn't really a reason given other than for old times' sake (and to start the next chase sequence). Keeping the audience in the dark about some things is a good way to draw out suspense, but that only works if hints are given. I think you really could've drawn on that power if you had even flashed back a little to some of the aftermath. The way the two men acted was as if they had just gone home after Porygon had disappeared and thought nothing of it (which we later find out that a bit did happen).

    The chase seems to be the bulk of what your story is about, or at least that's what you've chosen to focus on. That can be fun, but this one seems really short with minimal actual appearances by the Porygon until the battle at the end. I find it odd that the two men went out in a car to chase a creature that could disappear through the computer system in mere seconds without some way to trap it in one place. It seems a little impractical. However, I do like that the two older guys were very enthusiastic about giving chase, which was a lot different from their first encounter.

    After they search the abandoned house, they get trapped and attacked by a Rotom. That part was pretty random, to be honest. I didn't really see a point to this section since nothing much happened. The Porygon didn't even make an appearance and there wasn't any character development or twists. It did get them back out onto the street and left you a convenient way to end the section and segue into the next, but what other purpose did it have? I think that it was strange that they only went to one house too (that was mentioned, at least). If the chase had taken them far and wide to many places, I think it could've been a lot more engaging. Then the chase would've been a great thing to focus on, say if they had to venture into a construction site building or a botanical headquarters or some other interesting place. There could've maybe been more appearances by the Porygon that way.

    The scene changes again, and I was still confused for a minute until I realized the characters had changes. The point of view did too, as you slid into third person. From here, I thought the story was a lot smoother barring a little spot at the end. We find out that this David guy apparently likes not working and looking at old magazine clippings instead. These tell us that apparently there was more to the Porygon thing than was ever told to us before, since the two guys were accused of trying to make a super virus.

    David and his boss then battle the Porygon when it shows up. David tries to catch it, the two scientists come in for two lines, and then it hops back to David's point of view again. I found that last bit especially odd. Why were the scientists there? They said they were going back to the lab to get patched up, since falling from an upper-story window would probably hurt a lot. It said it was noon on David's computer, so the time frame would be about right for when they left the abandoned house. David could have just seen the two scientists walk in and it wouldn't have really changed anything.

    Personally, I'm sort of wondering why the focus shifted to David in the end, since we know so little about him. It would've probably made more sense for the scientists to be doing the battling, since the story was mostly about them. As a reader, I like David and his boss better because they seem more like people to me, but their part in the story doesn't really make sense other than having a convenient place for the Porygon to show up.

    The story ends with a battle and attempted capture, which is okay, but again, I think there could've been so much more done with it. Battles aren't really necessary in stories (and they don't have to be physical battles at all), but they do help add action. Battles work best when they're built up to, which is why David battling doesn't exactly seem right, as he's basically a random passerby that goes on the internet on the wrong day.

    For other stories, sometimes a battle isn't the right climax, especially if you have a battle just to have a battle. Think about the other loose ends you could tie up too. What was the Porygon doing when it escaped? Why did it want to get away? What did it hope to accomplish on the net? Likewise, the same can be said for the scientists. How did their charges turn out? Were they fined? Fired? Did they protest? Did they try to tell someone it was a Pokemon instead?

    I think some closure on all of that stuff should've been included at some point, if only mentioned or reflected on. Since the story started with the scientists, it might be nice to see it end like that, from a reader's point of view. I'd like to know what those few lines of Kevin's point of view were too, since that seemed kind of thrown in there.

    All in all, the plot was alright. I just don't think it focused on enough of the major things. The chase was cool, if it had been a little more engaging/difficult for them, but the really interesting stuff (like the charges on the scientists, the outbreak of the virus, and the aftermath of that) was just summarized or skipped over completely. There wasn't too much character development, which was unfortunate, but David and his boss were pretty interesting.

    Detail/Description: Overall, I think your detail was okay. There was more of it in some areas that didn't need it and less in some areas that there should've been more, but it was alright. I did like the coffee bit with David. I thought that was described pretty well, and I always knew what the rooms looked like.

    I think, for this area, that the most important thing you can do is focus on the major things that need describing and not spend a lot of time on littler things. While I liked the coffee thing, I felt there was more description put into that than what David looked like. In this story's case, the character's appearance is more important and needs more attention than how he drinks his coffee. On the other hand, if his coffee was important to the story (like if he had a panic attack or something if he did not have it by a certain time), that could be emphasized more as it would aid in character development.

    Things like attacks and objects important to the story should get most of the attention. If you go too much on one little thing, it tempts the reader to just skip it, since blocks of describing text tend to be boring. Also be wary about trying to shove too much detail into one little spot. I found an example of that with one of the scientist's clothes, for example. I do like how you subtly put in things like the scientist's receding hairline and such. I really like when details are naturally put in because they're not awkward to read. You have to be careful to make sure to get enough of them though. Like I mentioned before, I think the beginning could've used a teeny bit more attention on the people. That can be said for David and his boss as well.

    I will say that you choosing to describe Smith more in the second section was a little odd. It would've made more sense if there had been a more thorough description of him the first time around so we knew what he looked like to begin with. That would've created some compare and contrast and could've served as some minor character development to show how he had changed (or perhaps lack of).

    Another thing I'd like to talk about is your dialogue. David and his boss are okay, but the two scientists seem a little bland. I know professional technical people usually speak somewhat proper all the time and such, but it seemed to me that they were basically the same. People have their own speech patterns and ticks so that any two people rarely sound exactly alike. It was weird seeing them use no contractions and being carbon copies of each other XD It just made reading their lines a little lifeless. I guess for help on that, you could try reading it out loud. You could determine then if it sounds like something a scientist would say and if it's proper and dull or not.

    That goes along with the two calling each other 'Professor' all the time. Smith calls Kevin by name, but why doesn't the other one? The beginning especially is a little awkward when they're like “Professor Kevin” and “Professor Smith”. If they're colleagues, wouldn't they call each other by their first names or maybe their last? Smith does, so it was just odd that Kevin didn't do the same. If they have more of a relationship of teacher/student, then I'd like that shown a bit more. It's never really said, other than they work together and Kevin has a big respect for the other guy.

    Other than that, I don't really have many complaints. The characters could've been a little more fleshed out in both description and maybe some character development, but overall it was fine. Just keep in mind some of the things I talked about for next time.

    One thing that might help you out is ending scenes with one-liners. Lines that are set apart are used to create impact and lasting impressions. They're good ways to end a part. Some of my favorite lines from stories are the ones that are at the end. I think one place you could've done this was right before cutting to David. The bell chimed as the two scientists were leaving. This is what you have right now, added on to the rest of the paragraph:
    We slowly limped away from the abandoned house and made it to his car as a clock tower in the distance chimed, notifying us that it was noon.
    This is fine, but think about how you could really make it stand out. In a movie, the chiming clock would be a little drammatic, hearing it over whatever else was going on. It was a great way to end the scene. But what if it had been worded a little different, putting more emphasis on the bell? I think it was semi-significant because when you brought us into David's office, it was the same time. Bells also signal endings or beginnings, which is symbolic. Maybe something like:
    ...We limped away from the abandoned house and made it to his car.

    As we slowly drove away, the clock tower tolled noon.
    Or something. I'm sure you can think of something better that works with your setting. Just something to think about. This is one of my favorite aspects about writing, because it ends the part with a little flair or a pow, depending on the scene. This can also be done with cliffhangers. One-liners don't always have to be just at the end of sections either, and they definitely shouldn't be used at every section if it doesn't fit. They're just used for emphasis. They come in handy sometimes.

    Grammar/Mechanics: This area was a bit rough. However, I think most of the errors could've been caught with a bit of proofreading. I know it's tempting to post something up as soon as it's finished, but that's really the worst time for editing. To prevent that, I usually wait a few days after I finish or have someone else look over it for me. Since I was on when you posted it, I know you had just finished the story shortly before. I usually wait a few days to claim new post-ups just in case of editing. A lot of the little things can be avoided by waiting a little. It's really hard to look over the work right after you've written it, as you know what it's supposed to say. There weren't any edits to the story when I claimed it, so I'm assuming you didn't go in after posting to change things unless BMG decided to be weird, which is completely possible.

    I'll try not to bore you with every little thing here. I'm just going to point out the obvious stuff that I think is the most important.

    I think your mix of first and third person point of view is a little strange. I'm not too fond of it unless clear distinctions are made between people or if there's a reason for it because it's usually very jarring. In this case, it was a bit disorienting the way it jumped back and forth, especially at the very end. That was mostly because you had no page break between them. Definitely add that in when you can. It'll clear up a lot of the confusion.

    There were also a few lapses into third person while you were still in first, like here:
    The loud growl seemed to dim down to a purr as Professor Kevin examined the mechanism, cupping his hand over his mouth to shout back to Professor Smith.
    I know this is very, very easy to do. Sometimes I do it the opposite way when I'm posting, since most of my Trainers do first person. Just be careful of those. A second read of the fic can catch these.

    I'm also wondering who the main character actually is. You start with first person, which is generally used for the main character, but then David takes up the most important role of the battle at the end. Why is this? Is David really the star, or is it Kevin? The first person points that Kevin would be, but because the story barely mentioned him after the abandoned house, I'm not sure what to think.

    I did think your third person perspective was really smooth though. I liked that part of the story the most, if only because it was the easiest to read. I'm guessing that's because you've had more experience with third? Personally, unless Kevin has a larger role than what you let on in the fic, I don't think his part needed to be first person at all. The whole thing might've been smoother that way.

    On the other side, first person really lets you get into the character, letting the readers see thought process and feelings and such. There wasn't really much of that. I think Kevin could've been much stronger as a character if you would've included some other things instead of just what was happening. What did he feel about doing the work? Did he have hidden motives? Why was he so doubtful in the beginning? All of that adds depth, and with first person, it's really easy to do. That's why a lot of first person books are so powerful. It can take you right into that character's head. You should definitely try to take advantage of it when you can so you'll have the strongest characters you can. Make them individuals and not just carbon copies of all standard people.

    Another mechanic thing to look for is word choice. You had a few other examples like the one I pointed out in the intro where you used a word that didn't quite fit or didn't mean what it was supposed to. Be very careful of those, as they can confuse readers into thinking something different is going on than what you intended. Read sentences carefully and slowly when you proofread and hopefully most of these will be caught. If not, another person can always look for them too. I usually ask someone else to skim my writing regularly.

    Also beware of repeating the same word many times close to one another. This happened a bit with professor, chamber, and a couple other words. Sometimes words don't have a synonym, but there's usually another way to word something. Otherwise it sort of sounds like you're repeating yourself, so just watch out for that.

    One of the biggest grammar problems was your dialogue tags. These are super easy to fix, so it's no worries. We'll look at this one:
    about virtually impossible,” Smith sighed.
    This is sort of like smirking. Scourge may beat you XD
    In all seriousness, you can't sigh-speak words. You can sigh afterward, and you can whine, but you can't sigh the words. This one was correct grammatically, but this one wasn't:
    our impressive invention.” Professor Smith boldly exclaimed.
    It was sort of hit and miss with them, but the majority of them seemed to be a little flawed. Remember, when you attach a dialogue tag to a piece of speaking (he said, she whispered, etc), a comma goes inside the quotation marks and the word after is only capitalized if it's a proper noun. This one should say: our impressive invention,”...

    There were some places where you tried to make a complete sentence after it a tag and others where you tried to use two dialogue tags. Be wary of those, as they're not correct. I'll show you the dialogue tag in the center one:
    “Professor Kevin,” he whispered excitedly, his voice starting to boom in joy, “it worked, it worked!” Professor Smith shouted, as a large smile spread across his pallid face.
    Here you could ended with a period at joy and then started “It worked” as a new sentence. Alternatively, “Professor Smith shouted” is being used as a dialogue tag, but you could reword it to be its own sentence too. Either way would fix it.

    The other major thing that stood out was run-on sentences. Specifically, it was comma splices that kept tripping me up. You used a comma to try and combine two sentences into a compound when really a conjunction was needed or the comma wasn't needed at all. Like here:
    He grabbed his long, white beard and started to tug at it consistently while he entered deep thought, he sighed dismissively, lowering his elbow on the table to rub his forehead and scratch along his receding hairline.
    Here, that comma in bold makes it a comma splice. Both conjoined sentences here are complete, meaning they have both subject and verb. If you wanted to combine these two, you would need an 'and' after the bold comma. You could also split the two sentences up. That's the easiest way to fix these. If you're joining two sentences when the second one doesn't have another subject, like “He went to the store and drove around town.” you don't need a comma at all before the and because he's just doing two things. Compound sentences don't always need a comma and conjunction. There were a lot of these in general, so make sure to read carefully when looking for them.

    Other than that, there were only little typo things to watch out for. Again, things that proofreading a few times could catch. Be sure to do that, especially on a fic this high of rank. They distracted me from reading a bit, taking me out of the story and causing me to stop. That's what you don't want for readers. Also be wary of how you word your sentences in general. Something that's easy to read has a good flow. There were a few messy sentences where you tried to cram too many things into too small a space. Remember you can always have shorter sentences. Slow down and take your time so readers can see the same picture in their minds that you see. A good way to check for flow is to read the work out loud. If it sounds natural and smooth, it's probably good to go. If unsure, you can always ask someone else to read it for you.

    Length: Porygon is Demanding rank, giving you a goal line of 40-55k. I counted 48,316, so you're good to go.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: There were a couple things here, but I sort of threw them into the different sections as I talked about those parts. Just make sure to keep things realistic as far as your world goes. It seems like its mostly like the real world, so those rules would apply. Things to consider are like falling out of a second story window and being mostly fine.

    Another one was with David in the end. You said he knew it used the Download ability, but you also said that they didn't really even know it was a mon. How did he know what it was doing? How could he tell what ability it was? I think that could've been an opportunity for some detail instead of glossing over it.

    On that same note, if Porygon had been broadcast on national news, how come David didn't recognize it on sight while O'Malley did? David kept the newspaper clippings on the scientists, so it seems to me that he would've seen that or at least looked it up later.

    ChainReaction 6:09 pm
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