Curious. (Ready for grading/Comments welcome.)

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  1. #1
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Curious. (Ready for grading/Comments welcome.)

    Pokémon being captured: Buizel.
    Recommended amount of characters: 5,000 - 10,000.
    Actual amount of characters: 14,255 including format tags.

    -------------------------------------------------

    I feel really nice and warm inside my little bed. It’s very cosy. But I had to come out of my bed because I am getting too big for it - I can feel that it’s not as cosy as it was before and the walls are closer to me. When I hear all these big cracks around me, I know I have to get out of bed. When the cracking stops, I standd there on a very hard floor. It was very cold outside of my bed and I try to open my eyes. It’s hard, but I can do it. The light is very bright when my eyes are open, and I can see lots of different colours. There is a thing that is bigger than me, and it is looking at me kindly. I feel that this big thing is a nice thing, so I try to move to go and meet it. My legs aren’t very strong, though, so I fall over. I start crying - the hard floor is very nasty and I am sure it hurt me. I feel myself being lifted gently from the ground, and I am held very carefully. It is the big thing that has lifted me. It is very nice to be held like this, and it is almost as cosy as my nice warm bed.

    The big thing is orange, the same colour as me. It has a creamy belly, though, and a big yellow thing around its neck and going down around its body. When I feel the yellow thing, it is bouncy, but not very cosy. Its paws are the same colour as its belly, and it has blue things on its arms. It has a black nose, and it has two long, sharp teeth. The big thing is talking to me, although I feel very tired and do not understand very well. Now it is singing to me, and the singing is very soothing and makes me forget about the nasty floor. I feel cosy again, and I feel my eyes getting very heavy. I fall asleep and begin to dream.

    My dream is very nice. I am in a big place, and I can see the blue above me and the big white fluffy things. The floor is green and is not hard and brown like the nasty floor. The green parts of the floor stick out of the ground. There are also lots of flowers that are yellow, red and purple. The big thing that is very nice is smiling at me and it wants me to go with it. My legs are very strong, and I can run using my front paws to help me. It is very bouncy, and I bounce through the big green sticky-up stuff. The big nice thing leads me along, and then we stop by some more blue stuff. But this blue stuff is not way above my head. The big thing jumps in and the blue goes everywhere. The big thing is telling me to get in, and I nod my head. I jump high up, and before I land in the blue stuff, I wake up again.

    When my eyes open for the second time, the light is not so surprising. The colours are still nice, and I want to see more of them. The big thing has also woken up, and it looks at me. It smiles at me kindly like it did in my dream, and I try to copy the same smile. It makes a laughing noise, and then comes and puts its arms around me. It is very cosy, and I feel happy when it does this. It begins to talk to me.

    “Good morning, young one,” it says. It has a fierce appearance, but a nice voice.

    “Hello, mother,” I reply automatically, not knowing where I got my words from. “I was dreaming.”

    “And what do you dream of?”

    “I was in a big place. There was blue stuff above me, like there is now. There were a few more fluffy white things in the blue stuff, though. The ground was not nasty and brown, but there was lots of green sticky-up stuff, like there is over there,” I say, pointing towards the stuff I had seen in my dream. “Then you and I went to other blue stuff. This blue was darker, and you jumped in and it went everywhere. I was going to do the same, but then I woke up.”

    “You are very observant, my child. I am the one who brought you into this world, and I am your mother. I will teach you how to catch your own food when you are old enough, and one day you can go and meet a trainer friend. But for now, you can stay with me and you will learn other things. The blue above you is called the sky, and the fluffy white things are clouds. The hard, brown ground is called earth, and the green stuff is called grass. The other, darker blue stuff is called water. Water is what makes you and me special.”

    She kept talking to me for a long time, and I learned more things. The world was more than just light and colours, but made of love and other feelings. I learned how to tell the difference between he and she, and so the big thing is not even an it any more. The big thing is a she and I am a he, and she has a name. She is called Cordelia, and she told me that mother means that she is the reason why I was in that bed, which is called an egg. She also told me that she is a species of creature called Floatzel. She forgot to mention what I am, though. Since she is my mother, though, I must be a baby Floatzel. Baby means that I have only just recently come from my egg, which I have. I am also not very strong because I am a baby. She told me that my name is Assan, and that my name means ‘waterfall’.

    Water is the blue stuff I saw in my dream. Water is very wet and can be cold, but I get used to it quickly because of my warm orange fur, which is growing. We went to visit the water and it looked exactly like it did in my dream, all swirly and blue. I could see myself when I looked into the water. I have an orange body, mostly. I have a creamy belly too, like my mother, but I am not very big. My legs and feet are also orange. I do not have long, sharp teeth like my mother, and my face is differently shaped. I have a bouncy yellow ring around my neck as well. The blue semicircles on my arms are called fins, my mother says. My fins are not as big as hers, and my paws are not creamy. I have two tails attached to the back of me, and they are not as big as my mothers’ either. My mother says I will be as big as her one day, but I just have to wait to grow.

    The light is called day, and the darkness is called night. They come and go a lot, and I have seen about thirty days and nights so far. My mother has been teaching me how to count, and I have a very good memory. My mother says I am getting smarter, and I am. I know a lot now, and I am learning how to swim better. Swimming is quite easy though, and I am learning to spin my tails to make me go faster. It’s hard work, but my mother says I need to learn it or I won’t be able to swim properly. I get to play more often now that I am stronger, and I like playing by the water. I have made some new friends, but they do not look like me. My best friend is very green, and has a swirly belly. He likes to clap a lot, and is very cheerful. He is also very naughty, though. He does not have a mother any more, as he left her a while ago when he had learned what he needed to know.

    My green friend is much older than me, but he still likes to play with me. I have other friends, too, and all of them like to play in the water, just like me. None of them look like me, though. Some of them look like each other. My mother sees me playing with the rest of the Pokémon, and she teaches me about them too. It’s very interesting to learn about all of these other things in the world. What she doesn’t explain much about is me, though. I still don’t know what species I am. I know that I am not a Floatzel because of what she has taught me before. I can’t be a baby Floatzel, because a Floatzel cannot give birth to another Floatzel. My mother has taught me this and also about how one Pokémon changes into a stronger form. She still hasn’t told me what form I am already.

    The days pass more, and my mother teaches me more about my special connection with the water. She has taught me how to shoot water from my mouth, and I like practising this. I can feel the water swelling up inside me, almost from nowhere, and then I can release it in a concentrated shot. My legs are getting stronger and stronger, and so am I in general. I can jump higher now, and my mother tells me that I am very good at jumping. She has shown me how to get food for myself by hunting in the water, and I like to eat Remoraid. However, what I like more are the berries that I see on some plants. These berries are really soft. They are like a light green star, and there is a yellow bit that sticks out from it. I showed them to my mother, and she told me they were called Wacan Berries.

    There have been lots of days and nights since I have been born. My mother told me that I am almost three months old, which I know is about ninety days. That is a lot of light and dark, and I have learned a lot. My mother says I would be a good wild Pokémon, but she seems sadder nowadays that I am growing up more. When I ask her why she is sad, she says that it is because she does not want me to grow up so soon for her, and that I might be gone before she knows it. Even if I do go, I will make sure I can see her when I can. She has taught me about belonging to a Pokémon Trainer, and also battles and contests. They all sound very grand, but I don’t know how they are supposed to be enjoyable. She tells me that belonging to a good Trainer is a very good life for a Pokémon. Whenever she talks about me and her being away from each other, a weird feeling stirs inside me and I feel a pain in the left side of my chest. I think it is sadness, although I do not know.

    I wake up one morning, and the sun is out again. It is very hot at this time of year, and my mother has taught me all about the seasons. I was born just before summer started, and so that means that since I am three months old, summer must almost be over. Autumn would be coming next. I decided that I would go out to play again. I like to play with my Politoed friend, and he knows how to have fun. When I get to the lake, Politoed is already there. He leads me off into the grass, where we don’t usually go. We bound around and wrestle for a few hours, and then I feel hungry. I know it’s lunchtime, so I am about to head back in the direction of home. However, I spot a strange creature which I have never seen before. Its face has no fur on it, and its nose is more noticeable than mine and it sticks out more. Its lips are not like mine or any other Pokémon I have seen. It has long hair which seems to be tied back with some elastic, and it is wearing some kind of fabric on its body. It spots me and smiles.

    “Look, a Buizel!” it shouts out. It speaks differently to the way I usually hear the other Pokémon speaking, in a way I can’t really describe. Its voice is like my mother’s, only younger and more confident. I think that it’s a she.

    She takes out some white and red sphere, and a red light comes out of it. I recognise the creature as one of the ones who I don’t usually play with since they don’t really like to play in the water. My mother taught me that these kind of Pokémon were called Kirlia, and that they can do stuff with your thoughts and mind. The Kirlia started to advance on me. She looked like she was wearing a skirt, and she was mostly white, but had a bit of green on her. She had some red spikes coming out of her chest and back. She raised her arms, glowing leaves appearing out of nowhere. The leaves begin to shoot towards me. However, I have gotten faster, so I dodge these leaves. The leaves somehow chase me, though, and they are kind of scary. I jump into the air, springing up using my strong legs. I spin in the air, and I feel the energy spiralling through my tails. Two waves of air come out from my tails, and they cut through the leaves, making them drop to the floor.

    The Kirlia then disappears from where she was. I land on the ground softly, and she appears in front of me. She places her hand on my head, and then I feel my body being taken over. I try to look at my paws, and they are glowing pink. I am floating into the air, and my head starts to feel sore. I feel kind of dizzy when I fall to the floor, and I don’t notice the other strange creature throwing another red and white sphere at me. It hits me in the belly, and I get sucked inside in some kind of light. I feel a bit uncomfortable inside the ball at first. I don’t like it. I want to get out of here, especially now that the ball is shaking. But I feel really weak. It’s too hard to do this. I don’t have the strength to break out of this prison. I hear a pinging noise, and I think I’m sealed inside now.

    No, wait. I come back out again, and the light is like it was when I went in. I look behind me, and the strange creature is smiling down at me. She picks me up and hugs me, but I don’t like it. She’s not my mother. I bite her arm with my rather small sharp teeth, and she screeches. I drop to the floor, and choose this moment to run away. Bouncing along, I still feel a bit confused and dizzy, but I’m managing to get along. Finding my way home, I look behind me. The creature is chasing me and trying to zap me back in the ball with her red light thing! I am not going back in there, however, so I run around the corner. I slam head first into my mother. The creature comes to a halt as she comes around the corner, obviously scared of my mother. Whilst the creature stands there, I tell my mother the story and she immediately bursts into tears.

    “Assan, you’re not a wild Pokémon any more. That creature is a Pokémon Trainer, a young girl. She’s just captured you, and so you have to go and be with her. Remember what I told you about the Pokémon Trainers?”

    No! I don’t want to leave my mother so soon! That’s not fair! That horrible creature has just separated me and my mother! I feel my insides swelling up, and my stomach knots doubly. The pain in the left side of my chest is there again, and I recognise what it is. I have a broken heart. I am sad. I feel the tears coming out of my eyes, and it rolls down the fur on my face, making it wet. The Pokémon Trainer - my Pokémon Trainer - watches us. I feel sick and I don’t want to go.

    My mother had stopped crying. “Go on ahead, Assan. Please, please enjoy yourself and your new life. You’ll grow to be happy with your trainer and you will experience much. One day, we will meet up again. I promise. Go now, Assan. Remember that I love you.”

    I turn around, and head towards my Trainer. There are still tears streaming down my already wet face. My heart is wrenching to turn around and stay with my mother forever, but this is my destiny.

    I place my paw on my Trainer’s hand.
    Last edited by Buoy; 24th April 2011 at 12:26 PM.

  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Curious. (Ready for grading/Comments welcome.)

    Plot/Characters/Introduction:

    Introduction ~ I like it and serves its purpose of grabbing my attention. The one problem I have with the introduction is that it is not clear on what the opening environment is. I took me a second read-through to figure out you were talking about an egg. I think if you added slightly more detail, like something about a nest, then it would be more clear.

    Characters ~ Due to the story being short you didn’t have much, but I like how you set up the characters for the capture scene. The mother was steeling herself for the capture and the youngster was fearful of it. That character background was present throughout; and I like how you created a bond between the two that both felt and was readily apparent in the end when the baby had to leave.

    Plot ~ Fairly simple about the three months of a youngster’s life. It’s slightly original and not your run of the mill story. This works for now, but for a harder stage this sort of plot will not work as it is too simple, you’ll need to add twist and turns. So keep that in mind for future writing and mon. One last hole I spotted was the absence of the father figure. Since we don’t know how some Pokemon species raise their children you have to tell us. Did the father get captured? Killed?



    Detail ~ Sufficient for the story, but one thing that was lacking was the sense of emotions in your story. You talked about how the environment, but how does it feel? Is the grass soft and prickly? Is it sunny or rainy? These are noticeable absent and are practically a must for higher captures. You did well in describing both the Pokemon and Pokemon attacks, but you didn’t really describe the human girl outside of some basic description. You could have told us of her build and the color of hair/eyes/clothing etc.

    So, sight, smell, feel, sound, taste and emotions are important.


    Grammar:

    I spotted like five spelling errors that you could have easily caught with a spell check system. Everything else was fine except for one thing that annoyed me and was redundant in the story. You used the ‘though’ a lot in the story.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    My legs aren’t very strong, though, so I fall over.
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    She also told me that she is a species of creature called Floatzel. She forgot to mention what I am, though.
    Nothing is wrong with using the word it just doesn’t add anything to the sentence in a meaningful way. So please tone down on using this word repeatedly in the same manner.


    Length:

    Meh


    Battle: I felt that the whole story sort of led up to the battle as the climax, and with it on the back of the mind of both Pokémon, the battle was ultimately disappointing. That battle consisted of two moves from Kirlia and one from Buizel and that isn’t good. I like how the attacks were described and how the Pokemon moved about, but it was just really short. Even a baby Pokemon can put up a better fight than what happened. Besides making the battle somewhat longer you could have tried to use the area to Buizel’s advantage. Even at three months it is sure to know the home terrain, and it being a baby Pokemon could have easily ran away or tried to hide. Also, with it meeting a new creature that tries to attack it it would be natural for the Buizel to call out to its mother to come rescue it.


    Overall: Captured an above average story all things considered. You need to work on spell checking your work and to be careful about using words in a redundant manner. Also, remember to incorporate all the senses to create a more comprehensive scene of detail.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 21st June 2011 at 05:38 PM.
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  3. #3
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: Curious. (Ready for grading/Comments welcome.)

    Awww, that was sad and sweet.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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  4. #4
    noble roar Buoy's Avatar
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    Default Re: Curious. (Ready for grading/Comments welcome.)

    what the i don't even go here
    SLCalamity likes this.

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