Connecting with Caterpie
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  1. #1
    Registered User Clemson's Avatar
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    Default Connecting with Caterpie




    "Matthew, are you sure you want to go!" his mom yelled with a hint of sadness. Matthew just got his Charmander from Professor Oak this morning. He was done with packing when he heard his mother.

    "Mom, I know this will be hard on you, but I promise that I will be alright and visit you often." said Matthew.

    "Alright, if you say so. Be sure to call me everyday though!" she demanded.

    "Okay" said Matthew. With all his stuff packed into his backpack, he said his goodbyes to his mom, his family, and his friends.

    Just as he was about to exit Pallet Town, Professor Oak ran to him.

    "Wait Matthew! I got something for you!" he yelled as he got closer.

    "What do you have for me?" said Matthew

    "I...have a....Pokédex....for you." he said in between breaths.

    "Thanks Professor Oak! I always wanted one of this" Matthew said, "Are you alright?"

    "Yes...I am." Professor Oak said. "I'm getting too old for this." he grumbled.

    "I'll see you later." Matthew said to Professor Oak.

    He was going to catch every Pokémon in the Kanto region, maybe even in the whole world. Nothing and no one was going to stop him.

    Matthew knew what he was going to get as his catch. He was going to get a Caterpie. "Caterpie should be easy catch for me and Charmander!" Matthew thought. He knew that Caterpie was a Bug type Pokémon, which is weak against Fire type Pokémon, like Charmander.

    -


    As soon as Matthew took one step in Route 1, he saw many a Caterpie. He spotted it about a hundred yards away along a tree. " I have to be careful and not scare it away." Matthew thought. It took about a minute, but Matthew was about ten feet behind Caterpie, dead silence. It shouldn't have time to run away from this distance." Matthew thought.

    "Charmander go!" Matthew yelled, throwing his Pokéball.

    Caterpie, too scared too squirm away, just looked at Charmander.

    "Charmander, use Ember!" said Matthew. Charmander almost burnt Caterpie to a crisp.

    "Are you alright?" said Charmander said to Caterpie.

    "Y-y-yes." Caterpie screeched.

    "You can come with us on our adventure around the world, my trainer with take great care of you. You will be safe. It will be fun!" Charmander replied.

    ”I-I'm not s-sure if I want to go with you guys, I like it here in the woods". said Caterpie

    "What is it saying!" said Matthew

    "Stay here." Demanded Charmander to Caterpie.
    "I'm trying to convince Caterpie to come with us!" Caterpie said to Matthew

    "Oh, you're trying to recruit it! Good thinking Charmander!" Matthew said.

    "Yes Matthew, can you help me to convince Caterpie to say with us?" said Charmander

    "Uhhh, I have some Pokémon food. Do you think it will help make Caterpie come with us?" Matthew said.

    "Yes, that will work." Charmander said

    "Okay, I'll get it out of my backpack." Matthew said while sitting down and grabbing two meals worth of Pokémon food.

    As soon as Charmander was going to turn around to tell Caterpie that it could eat with him, he saw that Caterpie vanished out of nowhere.

    "Matthew! Caterpie disappeared!" Charmander yelled.

    "Huh? Caterpie disappeared? No time to wait! Let's find it! It couldn't of gone too far!" exclaimed Matthew, grabbing his stuff so if he could still feed Caterpie when they found it, if they found it.

    -

    Matthew and Charmander looked everywhere, in bushes, in tree branches, in grass. It was getting dark

    "I think Caterpie got us good, I think we just go and catch the next Pokémon we see." said Matthew

    "No, I'm not giving up, I'll look the rest of the night just to find Caterpie! You want to catch every Pokémon, right?" Charmander yelled at Matthew.

    "That's the winning attitude!" said Matthew "You're right, I do! Let's find Caterpie!".

    Just as Matthew said that, Charmander heard a sound in a bush. "It might be in here." Charmander thought. Charmander was mad that Caterpie ditched them, so Charmander charged at the bush and tackled the Caterpie in there.

    "Why the heck did you abandon us!" Charmander yelled at Caterpie, shaking it.

    "I-I thought you guys were going to hurt me!" Caterpie cried.

    "We was going to give you some of his Pokémon food!" Charmander yelled very loudly.

    "Did you find Caterpie?" Matthew asked Charmander. Charmander and Caterpie walked out together.

    "Do you still want some food?" Charmander asked Caterpie.

    "Um, sure." Caterpie said.

    Matthew prepared food for Charmander, Caterpie, and himself.

    -

    When Caterpie was done with his food, Charmander asked "Did you like his food? I thought it was delicious!"

    "Yeah, it was pretty good." said Caterpie

    "So Caterpie, do you want to come along with us?" said Charmander

    Caterpie started to weigh the pros and cons. "I'll....

  2. #2

    Default Re: Connecting with Caterpie

    Plot/Introduction:

    Introduction ~ An introduction should be eye catching, introduce the main character, set the opening scene, and be a prelude for the rest of the story. Your story did fine in all these departments with the exception of the main character. You have to tell us what he looks like and what is he wearing. But we’ll get to that part later.

    Plot ~ Very simple, walk into forest and find mon. This is the cliche story of the URPG and this is not ideal for catching mon. In fact, most graders have a bias against this sort of thing. This thing will only work for this rank of mon so be sure to change your plot to something more complex or interesting for later attempts. I’m going to give you props for making the Caterpie tun away though, it wasn’t something added and not so straight forward.


    Grammar: Not your brightest spot. The mistakes I saw where all related to grammar and you made the same ones repeatedly. So instead of going over them all I’m going to give examples of what i mean with the corrections and why they are wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Thanks Professor Oak! I always wanted one of [this][,]" Matthew said[,] "Are you alright?"
    ~ A few problems with these one right here. To start, you have a typo in the first brackets as that should be ‘these’ not ‘this’. You also need a comma right there because you are using the word ‘said’ after the dialogue. You always have some form of punctuation after a dialogue, you never leave it blank like you did. The finally bracket should either be a period because the dialogue after is capitalized and because you are not continuing the dialogue.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Yes...I am[.]" Professor Oak said. "I'm getting too old for this[.]" he grumbled.
    ~ You have a period when you should have a comma. This is because once again you are continuing the sentence afterward because the words are acting upon the dialogue. The second part is where you also need a comma.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "I'll see you later[.]" Matthew said to Professor Oak.
    ~ Comma here because you are acting upon the dialogue.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "That's the winning attitude!" said Matthew[] "You're right, I do! Let's find Caterpie!"
    ~ You need a period there because you are no continuing the dialogue; you are instead starting a new sentence.

    So, if you are continuing the sentence by having the verb act on the dialogue you need a comma. If you have a period then the words are not acting on the dialogue, here’s an example: With the exceptions of what I pointed out your grammar is doing good so far, be sure to fix the mistakes I pointed out and watch for similar ones in the future.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Wait[,] Matthew! I got something for you!" he yelled as he got closer.
    ~ Last thing I noticed in a few spots. Because you are addressing the person you’ll need a comma before the name.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    ”I’ll go check it out.” I grabbed my whistle.

    Detail: This was a problem here also. When describing you need to aim for a few things. Environment, senses (sight, taste, smell, touch, sound), emotions, Pokemon, characters, and Pokemon moves. This description provide a clear idea of what is happening to the reader so you’ll want to add them I’ll give a few examples of what I mean.

    Quote Originally Posted by me
    ”Matthew, are you sure you want to go!” my mother yelled up at me.

    I shook my head, causing my long black hair to cover the right side of my face. I flicked the long silkily strands away and pulled on my orange and red backpack. I walked out of my room and proceeded downstairs to where my mother was waiting. Many people said we looked alike. We were both tall and thin, had long black hair, and green eyes. She was going to pick up my father up from the airport so she was wearing a yellow sundress with a broad rimmed hat to keep the rays of sun away. Seeing as how I was leaving on my Pokemon trip I was wearing simple blue jeans and a white t-shirt.
    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Charmander go!" Matthew yelled, throwing his Pokéball.
    [quote=me]”Charmander, go!” Matthew yelled, throwing his Pokeball. The red and white Pokeball opened up and shit forth a crimson beam of energy that hit the dirt path and materialized into a orange Pokemon. The sapphire colored eyes of the Fire type turned towards its foe as the its flame tipped tail glowed brighter.[quote] ~ All you need is simple description of the Pokemon. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just a cue to the reader of what the Pokemon looks like.

    For the environment, tell us what the weather is like. Is it a hot sunny day? Or a windy rainy one? How does the ground a foliage look? A the very least you’ll want to what weather it is and what your surroundings look like. Once again, you don’t need to be elaborate, just solid detail is needed. We need to know if you’re in the desert or a forest.

    For Pokemon attacks don’t tell the reader what happened, show us instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    "Charmander, use Ember!" said Matthew. Charmander almost burnt Caterpie to a crisp.
    Quote Originally Posted by me
    ”Charmander, use Ember!” cried Matthew. Charmander sucked in a large breath of air and channeled the flame that burned in every Fire Pokemon. When he exhaled he fired three small orbs of red flame at the Caterpie.
    ~This will get easier as you obtain more experience, but you’ll want to add things like what the attack looks like and how both Pokemon react to it.

    So, work on character and Pokemon descriptions to start. After you have these down move on to Pokemon attack, then the environment and finally senses. That is how I would do it, but if you’re comfortable with doing it in a different order go ahead.

    Length: You have what you need here.


    Battle: Okay, battles can be important but they can also be unimportant. If you are going to use a battle in a significant manner you are going to need a few things. First, Pokemon do not get ohko’ed. Make the battles exciting by making both Pokemon attack each other, with each dealing damage. This mean the battles has to be fair. Second, Pokemon are able to dodge every and any move, you are not constrained; think of this like the anime. After that basic system down you can expand your horizons to include abilities, the environment, and combos. Your battle just wasn’t up to par for any rank of mon. You need to add more moves to both sides and try to describe how the Pokemon are affected for your battle to work.


    overall: Not captured. This was almost there. What you need to do to get this mon is add description to the main character and Pokemon, then fix the grammar I pointed out. If you add anything else I said you get brownie points. Now remember, for higher level mon you are going to need to have abundant descriptions on Pokemon, attacks, characters, and environment. You are going to need to have the dialogue punctuation down for higher captures also. Go back and try fixing what I pointed out to get experience. Ask myself or another grader if you have questions about this sort of thing. Finally, for your future plots you are going to want something solid. This means walking into forest and randomly find mon is not going to work as well. You’ll want to change things up and add plot twists or something that is not so straightforward. PM of course for regrade if you want.

    @PokeBro


    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 24th June 2011 at 05:48 PM.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  3. #3

    Default Re: Connecting with Caterpie

    I'm going to go ahead and overturn this. For higher level captures, you do need to keep in mind what ATF told you about how to edit this fic. However, an Easiest capture is a learning experience. Caterpie Captured.

    @PokeBro
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