COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

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  1. #1
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    Default COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    We have two competing stories in this edition of the Collaborative Story Contest.
    Scroll down and have a look.
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  2. #2
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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    Story Writers : Jessie & James
    Pokemon targeted : Sandile, Joltik, Elgyem and Darumakka
    Characters Needed : 40k
    Characters In : 40,068 ish.




    Title : Bearer of Hope

    ---

    Chapter One: Humble Beginnings

    Gehenna (Je-Hen-Nah) is a world filled with only Pokémon and exists on a separate plane opposite the world of the Humans. These two worlds lie about in equilibrium, and by no means should they collide with each other. Giruvegan (Ghee-Rue-Ve-Gun), the capital city of Gehenna, and the most populated of all the other places, houses the world renowned Wigglytuff’s Guild. Prevailing over the years, the Guild is devoted solely to help companion Pokémon during times of need, battling foes that exist to threaten Gehenna’s order of peace and equality. Apart from that, they also arrest the criminals that run loose in Gehenna. Supremely successful, the Guild lives up to its motto, “Let’s make new friends!” by operating a “go anywhere, do anything” service. As the name suggests, Wigglytuff is the founder and brains of the Guild. He is an elusive figure and a master of disguise, rarely seen but was always respected by the Guild members. The Guild also holds high reputation, as all the missions they’ve attended to have faced no failures at all. Of course, that could not have been managed without its dear members whom mostly work as a team, usually made up of 2 or more individuals working together. Of course, there are honourable mentions of Pokémon who work solo on dangerous missions, but that’s only possible because they are remarkably strong. Like every year, the Guild once again has been sending out brochures and pamphlets of all sorts to possibly recruit new, abled members to their family. From the lonely corners of Gehenna to the liveliest cities, invitations were sent out, courtesy of the Pelipper Delivery Service.

    So, it’s about time we met one of the main protagonist of our story. Let’s go to the far south from Giruvegan, to a large area of barren and arid land which lies there. Known as the largest desert in the world, the Bahraun (Bah-Ron) Desert spans the majority of the region, as well as overlapping into neighbouring areas. The desert is so harsh that only a few Pokémon are known to be capable of surviving there, particularly those who aren’t affected by the continuous sandstorm there. To the far east of this desert, a cluster of Sandile have taken residence for quite a long time, even before the Guild emerged, reports indicate. Sandile is a primarily tan-coloured, crocodilian-like Pokémon that has a long snout as typical as of a crocodile and a thick black stripe on the bridge. Its eyes are round and sepia-coloured, with a circular pattern of black around them stretching between each eye, giving the impression of an exemplary robber’s mask or a pair of glasses, with the ridges surrounding the eyes being large and protuberant. This is in fact, a dark membrane that protects its eyes from the sun. Two thick black stripes are present down its back, stretching to its pink-coloured underside and encompassing its tan-coloured limbs, which sport three claws each that are also black; additionally, its tapered tail is tipped with the colour.

    The leader of the desert cluster would be Cecil. You could easily distinguish Cecil among the tribe as he’s always seen wearing his signature sunspecs. Cecil has always been the sturdiest among the others in the desert, apart from his Dad, a Krookodile, who left on a journey ages ago. Although Cecil took charge at a very young age, thanks to his dad’s disappearance, he’s one not to be underestimated. His feats on several opponents who were larger than him were existing proof. Of course, every leader sure has his lackey; our hero has his own trusty partner, Alberto. Cecil and Alberto are childhood friends, and thus explain the relationship they have now. Nobody knows Cecil more than Alberto, which was more than enough to be fit worthy of such stand beside the leader. But Alberto can’t be there for Cecil always, to watch his back...

    It was nightfall, and Cecil was at his usual spot again, away from the tribe’s village, on lonely bedrock which gives perfect view of the overall Bahraun Desert. As chilly winds caressed Cecil’s face, he began to wonder if there was more than what the world had offered him. It wasn’t long before Cecil’s silent relationship with the winds was broken off as he was greeted by someone he knew.

    “Nothing is going to change if you’re going to sit out here every night and stare, Cecil.” an unwanted reply came from steps away.

    “Heh, it’s just you, Alberto.” Cecil looked around, and was contented that it was his friend.

    “Of course, who else would actually visit you at this hour? When are you going to stop with this nonsense, Cecil? Isn’t there anything else you could think off besides the same thing, every single night?” Alberto questioned.

    “No Alberto. No. I want to know the truth. Why did he leave? Or at least, what made him leave? Was he too fed up of his duties? Or did he really want to get away from this place? Was his core dried up by the unchanged images of our parched lands? Did the obscure sandstorm blind his vision? Whatever the reason was, it worked, and totally deterred him from his role of a leader...” Cecil looked up, into the mesmerizing, starry night sky.

    “Cecil. Your Dad was the strongest of all Krookodile back in those days. Although it irks me to say this, I too am not sure why he abandoned us. But there must be a reason why. I’ve always believed in your Dad, Cecil, just like how I believe you.” Alberto responded.

    “Humph!” Cecil scowled, he wasn’t pleased, or so it seemed.

    “You know, if you wanted answers, you could always leave and find them out yourself. You can’t accomplish things just by staying here, Cecil. You must walk the path your Dad did, to find the truth. It plights me to see you like this every damn time!” Alberto creaked.

    “You suppose I should abandon our tribe just like my old man did? What are you, out of your mind?” Cecil stared at Alberto.

    “I’m not asking you to abandon us. Just get out and return one day. Be full of yourself, and then lead us confidently. The results would certainly be different, I assure you. Besides, you trust me, right?” Alberto whispered.

    “Hah, more than any other Sandile I know off, Alberto. I recognize your strength, and value your wisdom. You are truly capable of taking care of our tribe.” Cecil smiled.

    “Flattery won’t bring you anywhere, Cecil. You know that, right?” Alberto was pleased, but never really displayed the expression.

    “I know. Haha! I owe you one Alberto. I will definitely return one day, till then, please take care of our tribe.” Cecil retorted, as he exchanged head rams with Alberto.

    Head ramming is usually a form of salutation Sandile perform whenever they’re challenged to a battle or bidding farewell to their friends. Alberto passed a small sack of bag to Cecil, filled with essentials that he needs for this journey. It certainly wouldn’t be enough for the rest of his journey, but it was a good start.

    It wasn’t long before Cecil starting walking away from the bedrock and disappeared into the deserts. However, he heard a low, faint voice coming from his friend one last time before he lost sight of Alberto and the bedrock.

    “Search out for the Wigglytuff’s Guild! Venture through the Giruvegan Caverns to reach the main town where the Guild is stationed. Someone in the Guild might know your father...”
    The voice disappeared, soon after.

    “I will, Alberto. I definitely will...” Cecil looked up into the night sky once again as he snarled through the cold night, with his mind only focused onto an unknown destination, The Wigglytuff’s Guild.

    This is the end of Cecil’s prologue. Now, off to meet the second protagonist of the story. However, don’t expect him to be a standout like Cecil. He’s actually the complete opposite of him. Travelling south-east from Giruvegan, you’ll find a small forest called Vile Woods. It takes up about 1/16th of Gehenna. The tall trees cast an eternal shadow over the ground, but it is still possible to see. It is dark enough, however, that other travelling Pokémon have had the misfortune of dropping and losing their items in the unnerving woods at times. The Vile Woods was told to be abandoned lot in the past, but a few years ago a group of voyaging Galvantula and Joltik made it their nesting grounds and now it is filled with them all over the place.

    Galvantula are hairy, yellow and blue coloured spiders. They appear to have six blue eyes, four of which are small and are located in the middle of their foreheads between two larger eyes which have pupils. Joltik on the other hand, is the pre-evolved form of Galvantula, and are smaller in size. They are yellow, furry mite-like Pokémon.

    For a few years now, Mu-Antih (Moo-Unn-Tee), the oldest Galvantula around, has been the Chief of the Woods. He’s prudent and possesses exceptional knowledge about the woods as well as the entire region itself, as he was once a world renowned traveler. There are many scars on his torso and head, the two most prominent being a pair of long, perpendicular scars above his right eye, suggesting numerous battles in his past. No matter how fabled he seemed, he faced a small problem...

    To the northeast of the Vile Woods resides a hut that is diverse from the others. That’s where Mu-Antih resides. Apart from being his dorm, it’s also where the forest elders gather and discuss the past, present, and the future of Gehenna.

    “Sire, when are we sending Elk to the trial? We’re all aware that he’s your son, but he has to go through the trials like all of our other companions once they’ve come of age. It’s one of our forest custom and tradition. We can’t simply put it off for any reason, your majesty.” Pharos the Ariados, one of Mu-Antih’s advisors spoke out.

    “Hmm. I can see the devotion you have for our tribes’ customs and traditions, Pharos. My son has only matured by age, not by mind. He is not ready yet.” Mu-Antih replied.

    “You can’t protect your boy forever Mu-Antih. We’re not desperate just because he’s your only heir to the throne, but also with regards to your health...” Augustus the Forretress, groaned.

    “This is enough. You bunch are nothing but whiners. Can’t you see what you’re doing is already taking a toll in him?”
    Only one of the elders is brave enough to speak out like that, Su-Shin, the Cradily. The previous Chief of the woods, although retired, he has much more experience and knowledge that surpasses Mu-Antih, and always gives a suction cup or two when needed.

    “Thanks, Su-Shin. But I suppose I can’t let this matter out of hand since this concern has been bugging me as well. I’ve decided. Elk will be accompanied by two of my personal bodyguards. They will Elk until they reach the trial, but will stay back when Elk faces the trial himself. Sounds reasonable?” Mu-Antih questioned the elders.

    Surprisingly enough, everyone agreed to the plan, without an expression of reprisal. However, good moments don’t last long, and to prove this enough, one of the villagers interrupted the meeting.

    “..SIRE! SIRE! Elk is nowhere to be found! I’ve searched every corner of the village, and I can’t find him anywhere!” he cried.

    “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?! WHERE COULD HE HAVE G...*cough* *cough*” Mu-Antih’s frail health caught up to him.

    “This is no time to be anxious, Mu-Antih. Let’s go look for him. If we know him well enough, he must have wandered off to Giruvegan Caverns by himself. We must hurry, Mu-Antih. That boy’s spirit would dig his own grave!”

    Mu-Antih couldn’t agree more with Su-Shin and not wasting a moment, both of them scurried left for the Giruvegan Caverns.

    “Don’t do anything stupid like alarming the whole village about this incident. Keep this quiet and sustained till we return.” Su-Shin spoke to the remaining elders before his final depart.
    Minutes after they left...

    “Oi...Do you really think this would work? Should I remind you again that the both of them are our Elders?” Pharos turned to Augustus.

    “Heh, those two might have been the strongest ages ago, but they’re nothing but old fools with cracked bones now. They won’t stand a chance of what they all will face in the caves together. In the meanwhile, let us carry out the plan we deliberated with Zankuro-sama. We don’t really want to disappoint him now, do we?” Augustus grinned.
    “Ugh. Absolutely not...” Pharos replied with a fear-filled voice, as the couple left the hut.

    This is now the official end of the prologue of both protagonists.

    ---

    Chapter Two: The Critical Meeting

    Cecil was finally off on his journey. He didn’t know where it would take him to, but he knew he just had to keep moving on. He looked into the night sky, gazing upon the millions of stars above. He had always liked watching them along with the rest of the world, wondering when he’d return back to his tribe, with good news most probably. He never expected it to be this night though, it just begun! It was also commendable that Alberto had a feeling this would happen. He had packed as many of the essentials that would be needed into a small sack that would be appropriate for Cecil. He, being a Sandile and all, couldn’t carry much since he walked on all four legs. Once he evolved, however, that would be a different case, and by then Cecil would be a member of Wigglytuff’s Guild. So they might give him items far more sophisticated that what Alberto has prepared for him.

    Cecil’s mind was filled with numerous questions, and like all people who set off on journeys, he wanted answers. Doing this was the only way he could get those answers he was searching for. At this point, Cecil’s goal is to find as many leads as he could, and hopes that one would lead him to his dad. As of now, Alberto already told him to look for Wigglytuff’s Guild, so that’s where he was going to start. Cecil still hates the fact that he left behind his tribe, but he wouldn’t be happy until he sorted it all out. His faith in Alberto wouldn’t fade as the new leader of the Sandile tribe in his absence; otherwise he wouldn’t have left him in charge, right?

    There were already too many thoughts clogged up in his mind at the moment. For now, he headed towards the Giruvegan Caverns, which supposedly leads to Giruvegan itself, where the Guild is. But before reaching it, Cecil heard a rustling sound near some trees to his left. He quickly scanned the area, and whiffed around the air with his snout. He saw nothing and, as he kept venturing forth, the sandy landscape vanished and he started to see a forest. Rolls of trees as far as his eyes can see. They were all oddly three feet from each other.
    “Hmm. Alberto didn’t tell me about a forest around here. Was his report a fake?” Cecil thought to himself.

    The forest was a bit eerie; something about this place seemed mysterious. Not only were all the trees aligned perfectly three feet apart from each other, but they were also large shrubs positioned on both the left and right side of every other tree. Cecil knew this wasn’t natural. It must have been the work of some Pokémon to get this sort of arrangement.

    “Hmm, who’d want to live in this place? The sun’s rays are pretty much scarce here because of the trees bunched together, blocking most light from coming though. I don’t like this” Cecil began analyzing the forest as he ventured through. Then, in an instant, he saw a flash of red to his left, in the same direction from where he heard the rustling sound a moment ago. Then another came, to his right. He knew he’s being watched by someone and might have to battle if situation arises.

    “Who are you?” A small whisper came from behind him. He barely turned fast enough to see another flash of red.

    “What do you want?” A similar, but different whisper said from his right back side. As Cecil turned again he missed the creature that was voicing out, only seeing red, which were both literal and a metaphor. Cecil closed his eyes and began to concentrate. He’s a part ground type Pokémon, and felt certain vibrations in the area he stood. Knowing that the unseen enemy is slowly creeping up to him from his back, Cecil quickly swung his tail hard. Just like he predicted, his tail slammed into something, sending it flying into a tree.

    “THUMP!”

    The impact was huge, and Cecil quickly turned to see what it was. On the base of the tree he saw a red, circular Pokémon. It had curly, yellow eyebrows above his large white closed eyes. The three yellow ovals on his lower part began flashing simultaneously.

    “Eh? What are you, a Darumaka?” Cecil quickly identified ‘it’.

    However, it was not the only one. Thanks to the huge impact earlier on, several more Darumaka fell from the tree and surrounded their fallen friend. Cecil looked up at the tree he had knocked Darumaka into and saw four different sets of yellow eyes staring at him. He also saw eyes coming out of the nearest shrub. It felt extremely awkward having all those eyes looking at him, following his every movement.

    “Why were you sneaking up to me?” Cecil asked promptly, “I am only passing through.”

    He noticed his ninja wasn’t paying attention to him at all, but rather to the other Darumaka instead. Cecil figured they were concerned if their partner was alright. Cecil couldn’t be bothered honestly, since he didn’t want to waste any more of his time, he decided to leave. But, as he turned around, a smokescreen filled the surrounding area. Cecil could barely see a thing. He wasn’t sure what they were doing, but if this was one of their ambush attacks, he was more than just ready for it. However, he was at a disadvantage. The thick black smoke around the air pretty much blinded Cecil’s sense of sight, and before he could even act, something hard slammed and sent him flying back.

    “..ARGH” Cecil was pinned up against a tree this time round.

    The smoke began to clear up soon after and one of the Darumaka snickered as it jumped into the trees and leapt away. In its haste leave, the Darumaka dropped an item. Cecil went closer to have a look. Perhaps that fiend might have stolen something from Cecil’s bag. However, as soon Cecil saw the item up close, he remained speechless for a while. It was a golden neck bandanna.

    “This... Can’t be real...Right?!”

    It strongly resembled the one his dad used to wear, but there was not a single scent on that bandanna which could prove that it was indeed his dad’s. Cecil walked over to the group of Darumaka.

    “Where did you guys get this?” Cecil asked calmly.

    The Darumaka quickly hid behind a tree, they were a shy bunch.

    “We... don’t know...” a whisper was heard.

    “Heh, I’m not going to do anything to you three. You don’t have to be terrified of me.” Primo replied. “That Darumaka was one of your kind, was he not? Then I’m sure you have the answer for my question. Where did you find this?”

    “He... is not... one of US.” They replied again, in a soft voice.

    “You have got to be kidding me, right? He looks a lot like you! What do you mean he’s not one of you?!” Cecil grew a bit impatient.

    “He... was banished... from our colony” One of the Darumaka came out and spoke to Cecil, eye to eye. “He betrayed us all, and our leader exiled him. We’ve never seen him for three years since then and he shows up now. I have no idea why...”

    “Wait, did you say three years?” Cecil yelled. “This must be a co-incidence right?” He turned around and thought to himself.
    “My Dad has been missing... for three years now. Could this be somehow connected? Urgh...” Cecil rammed his head into the thick bark of the tree he stood next to.

    That Darumaka might have held a vital clue to his father’s disappearance. He slowly started walking away when one of the other Darumaka came out of the trees it was hiding and tapped Cecil’s shoulder.

    “Not... sure if this is... relevant, but he... was flaunting about... meeting someone... in the Giruvegan Caverns.” It replied.

    Cecil didn’t want to turn around. He didn’t want them to see the huge beam in his eyes as soon as he heard this information. He was supposed to be heading there either way, but he had a strong motive this time round.

    “Not sure who or what, but that’s all I know. Just walk down this path and you’ll reach the mouth of the Caverns. They say it hosts a huge monster in the depths of the caverns, so beware.” The Darumaka took a few steps back and grouped back with its mates.

    “Thanks. Thanks a bunch.” Cecil responded, waving them off with his right front foot and ran off. He then remembered he had to ask something. “What is this huge monster you’re talking about?”

    But as Cecil turned around for a favourable answer, the whole Darumaka group vanished into thin air.
    “Heh, guess I’m stuck finding that out all by myself, eh?” Cecil thought to himself, as he tied the bandana around his neck for safe keeping.

    As soon as he was done with that, Cecil was run down by another unknown Pokémon.

    “..Where did you come out from?! You lil...” Cecil growled as he tried to get back up.

    “Apologies, but I must hurry...”

    “What the hell dude, can’t you r...” Cecil couldn’t see his new friend anymore.

    ““Wait a minute…Did he just walk down this path? That…leads right to the cave! DAMMIT!” Cecil snarled as he quickly made his way to the cave.

    Who was the Pokémon that jolted Cecil aside earlier, you might ask. So let’s go a few moments back in time, and back to a similar place we all know, to find out.

    At the outskirts of Vile Woods, travels a young Joltik by the name of Elk. His goal in mind at the moment is to clear the ‘coming of age’ trial conducted in his village, and to do this all by himself.

    “Sigh. I’ve given Pa enough troubles. I don’t want to disappoint him, rather, make him proud as his only son. The whole village looks up to him, and he looks up to me...” Elk reminisced.

    Elk isn’t the adventurous type thanks to his coy and tense like nature.

    “Oh...Ma. If only you were here today, I would neither be an agony to Pa nor bring about misfortunes to him.” Elk sighed.

    Elk lost his mother when he was a little child. Ever since that accident, the memory had been restrained into his heart so profound, that he always fears about the slightest things. But he couldn’t hold on to that forever. He didn’t want to be a problem to the only person closest to him as a parent, his beloved dad. Mustering all that he’s got left, Elk ventured out of the Woods by himself, alone, and made way to the Giruvegan Caverns.

    “..z..z..z..He..is..danger..ous..” a sluggish voice spoke out.

    Within seconds, a black silhouette jumped off the tree it was perched in, and zoomed past ahead of Elk, towards the direction of the Giruvegan Caverns. It tore apart the air around it, as it flew past by, and strong winds vented, swaying the trees back and forth.

    “...What was that? It couldn’t be any mythical Pokémon now, could it?” Elk proclaimed, as he bulged through the late awakened winds.

    As Elk tiptoed closer to the aperture of the caverns, he heard a feeble voice from afar.

    “S..t..o..p..”

    The voice grew louder and louder, and Elk started looking out in various directions to see where it came from. Elk’s nature kicked in, as sweat dripped from his hairy forehead. His body quickly became surrounded by yellow electricity and it surged right to his front two claws. A ball of yellow electricity started growing in size, as Elk then fires the ball at the voice which seemed to come from right in front of him.

    “..Great Arceus! Can’t you hear me?! I told you to stop attacking!”

    The opponent became more visible now, and it appeared to be a Sandile. His teeth glow white as it bit down on the incoming Electro Ball with its powerful jaw. It resulted in a huge discharge, as hot fumes surrounded the area.
    ““...How did you block that attack... with just your jaws?” Elk was surprised.

    He hadn’t seen any Pokémon do that with his mouth before. It was as if he just ate it. Elk looked at his new opponent wondering what he was up against. He hadn’t seen anyone like him in this area before. Then again, he wasn’t too familiar with this area either.

    “…my Jaws have gone through moves more powerful than this, my friend!” Cecil replied pompously.

    Elk wasn’t sure if he should attack again or make a break for it. The Pokémon he was up against didn’t look too fast, but Elk didn’t want to risk it. After all, he did stop one of his attacks with a mere ‘Bite’ attack. Thanks to his wide intellect about the outside world, Elk quickly came to know that his opponent was a Sandile. However, Elk appeared to be quite agitated and waited for his opponent to make its move. Just like he predicted, the Sandile dove underground. Elk fretfully stirred back, as he became unsure of where the attack is going to come from. Elk cornered himself as he reached the cold, wet, hard wall of the cave. However, his witty mind plotted an idea. Being a land dweller it is, Sandile was going to have trouble reaching him up on a cave wall. Elk decided that it was the safest route to take. He climbed as high as he possibly could. Then he felt the ground slightly rumble from the vibrations being passed around the cavern walls, as Sandile busted out of the ground and looked directly at Elk.

    “Feeling all better now?” The Sandile elevated his head to the left to get a better view of Elk. “I’m not here to fight you, Joltik and neither do I have the time if I wanted to. Tell me though, do you know anything about this cave?”

    “Even if I did know anything, I can’t just leak information to strangers, can I?” Elk asked, his suspicion hadn’t gone down, but his curiosity was now taking over.

    “It’s personal, so can you tell me or not?” He asked again, as Elk slowly made his way back to the floor of the cave.

    “I don’t really know for sure…” Elk started, and upon hearing that, Cecil turned to walk away, “but the monster it houses deep inside, is supposedly very powerful.” He just kept walking, ignoring the small spider that was now following him. The Desert Croc stopped walking and turned towards Elk.

    “Thank you. That will be all, and if you’d excuse me..” Cecil replied and walked away. Elk didn’t want to be in this cave alone, so instead of following from behind, he decided to follow from where he couldn’t be seen. Elk scaled to the top of the cave and started tailing Cecil.

    Cecil could still feel the presence of the Joltik following him. He wasn’t sure from where, but he could feel it. Cecil was about to stop and meet the Joltik again, but a familiar red blur caught his attention. He knew what it was and that he had to track it. He stormed deeper into the caves, making sure not to lose sight of it.

    Elk saw the Sandile picking up pace a little, and started running deeper into the caves. He started to wonder why and whatever the reason, Elk too, started moving faster to keep up with Sandile. He was about to call down to Cecil when a flash of red silhouette moved steadily behind the Sandile. It jumped into the air and was about to smack down on Sandile.

    The wise spider, watching this from the ceiling of the caves, quickly spat a silky thread and abseiled down to the enemy.
    “Watch out!!” He cried as he slammed into the red object, driving them both into a nearby wall. Elk slowly opened his eyes and saw the Sandile pinning down on their uninvited guest, which appeared to be a Darumaka.

    “Le- Let me go!” Darumaka cried out, struggling to break free.

    “Not until you tell me where you got this golden bandana from.” Cecil bellowed and raised a paw.
    Posing that he was about to strike Darumaka. Elk got up from the rubbles, and looked right in front of him and saw a Pokémon he hadn’t seen before. It had a grey, egg shaped hear with depressions on both sides. The black pattern on its forehead began glowing green and the three colour nodes on its hands began pulsating red, green, and yellow in a symmetrical pattern. Elk blinked, but when he opened his eyes, the eccentric creature was gone.

    However, its departure was only temporary as it appeared again. Only this time, it had formed a small brown energy filled orb and aimed it at Elk’s head.

    “Release...him...or..your..friend..gets..it..” The large headed Pokémon said, showing no sentiment at all.

    “Am I supposed to care? He isn’t even my friend. What is an Elgyem doing around this part of the world in the first place? I’ve never seen you or your kind ever.” Cecil growled.

    “Don’t..zzz…Play dumb on me!.. I can read your mind, young one. I know how you honestly feel about this little bug. I will not repeat myself. Release. Darumaka.” Elgyem replied, with a more stable speech this time round.

    Elk did in fact save him from getting ambushed by Darumaka earlier, so if anything, he owed him. Cecil exhaled and released the Darumaka. Elgyem teleported to the other side, and stood beside Darumaka. Cecil too, walked over to the side, ensuring Elk was safe. However, he was interrupted.

    “Good. You heed quite well, boy. Now, tell me. Why are you here?” Elgyem questioned.

    “You haven’t answered my question yet, so why should I entertain yours?” Cecil spoke back.

    “I am Aria, and this is my friend, Buurai, and you two are?” Aria asked.

    “I’m Cecil from Bahraun Desert, and this here would be..” Cecil looked over Elk.

    “..I’m Elk, from Vile woods” Elk brushed the dust off himself, as he stood back up.

    “You two are from places which are totally far from each other. But that’s not my main concern. Why are you here?” Aria began.

    “It has nothing to do with you.” Cecil turned his attention towards the Darumaka and untied his bandana, “Where did you get this?”

    “Honestly to be said, we found it in the caverns here.” Darumaka said, “I like pretty things, so I thought I’d keep it.”

    “You and your habit, never cease to amuse me.” Cyprus ordered. “However Buurai, I would prefer if you keep things to yourself. These two after all, are strangers...” Buurai trembled as he got loose from Cecil’s grip.

    “You know something that we don’t. Tell me Aria, what’s the big bad monster this cavern is holding deep beneath? Where exactly did you find that bandana? ” Cecil asked. He was going to get the answers he needed even if it meant he had to fight. Aria grinned and shook his head.

    “You don’t even know what you’re up against, boy.” He said. “You don’t stand a chance.”

    “YOU TWO THERE?!” A loud voice boomed from afar. Buurai jumped up and nearly shrieked with he heard the voice call out.

    “Th-that’s him. Your so called guardian of this cave” Aria whispered.

    Cecil turned away from the lot and began walking in the direction he heard the creature yell out from. Before he got far a bolt of electricity shot through his body. Normally electricity did nothing on him, but he could actually feel pain from the attack. He looked up and saw a large eel-like Pokémon slithering towards him. The large long tentacle-like fin that extended from its head swayed rhythmically with the movement of his body. His small red eyes glowed and glared at Cecil. It raised its paddle-like arms with yellow spots began creating a small electric ball and fired it at Cecil.

    “You two. Take care of our guests now, will you? Let's gauge their strength with yours. Put your training into good use now!” Eelektross told Aria and Buurai.

    Aria submissively knocked Elk down and fired a small green orb of energy towards Cecil. Cecil knew Energy Ball was the most damaging move it could use on him since Psychic attacks would have almost no effect at all. He was about to bite down on Aria’s large head when Buurai stamped him hard in the back with Fire Punch. The flames quickly died down from the blow, but he could still feel the burning pain. He looked over at Elk.

    “Are you just going to stand there?” Cecil barked. “Get over here and help me out. I can’t take on them both alone!”

    Elk opened his mouth, but he couldn’t say anything. Cecil snorted and swung his tail around, slamming it hard into Buurai and sending him flying back into the wall. Cecil didn’t stop there. He then rammed his body into Buurai which made a small crack in the wall. Cecil looked over at Aria who was now charging at him with rocks levitating behind, most probably serving as a shield. He was moving too fast for Cecil to counter, so he closed his eyes and braced himself. He felt a strong tug from behind him and Cecil swiftly sailed back a couple of feet. He heard a loud slam and made a quick leap in the air. He saw Aria had accidently slammed into Rayon. He looked up and saw Elk standing above him, who had used String Shot to save him.

    “Thanks kid” Cecil said and looked at the two Pokémon on the ground. “You take Aria and I’ll go after Buurai. I have no frigging idea why they started attacking us, when we all could have pummeled that huge jerk together!” Elk nodded this time. Cecil wasn’t sure why, but something seemed to spark in Elk. He still seemed scared, but not as much. He saw Elk’s body surrounded by silver static. Then it was quickly engulfed in a rainbow coloured aura and he raised his two front claws and fired the multi-coloured beam at Elgyem hitting him square in the chest. For such a small creature, he could sure pack a punch with a Signal Beam.

    Cecil raised his two front paws and slammed them hard into the ground, sending several white seismic waves towards the duo. Buurai cried in pain and then lay motionless on the ground. Aria, on the other hand, only got slightly hit by the waves, but managed to avoid them for the most part. Before Elk formed another colourful beam and fired it at, Aria vanished.

    As quickly as he disappeared, he reappeared behind Elk, sending him flying into the air with Psychic and crashed him into the ceiling of the cave. Elk however, thanks to his witty mind attached his thread to the cave ceiling to prevent him from falling into the ground. Cecil jumped towards Aria with his mouth wide open. He crunched down as hard as he could on Aria’s head. Cecil didn’t let go until he was certain his opponent was knocked out. He was so absorbed in it that he didn’t see Buurai getting up slowly and then charging towards him. Elk was primed for it though. He let himself free-fall from the top of the cave and used his body to slam into Rayon which made a small indention on the ground. Buurai twitched at little, then remained motionless on the floor again, exhausted. Both Pokémon sighed in relief and high fived each other, but their victory was short lived.

    “That wasn’t much of a battle I actually expected it to be…”Eelektross said from behind them, “…though I have to say that they weren’t even strong to begin with. You two fail as my accomplices. I will need you two no longer!” The eel screeched, and propelled them away, with one of his electrical discharges.

    “Why…did you do that?! Weren’t they your subordinates? If anyone is to be blamed, it is you!” Cecil fumed.

    ---

    Chapter Three: The Ten Pokémon Saints

    Aria and Buurai looked on from afar, and frowned in grief. Their own boss didn’t want them anymore, and the ‘strangers’ were standing up for them. They were moved, deeply.

    “We..should..do..something…” Buurai spoke, as he slowly closed his eyes.

    “I wish… we could, but who… are we… to talk? … I… want… to…” Aria too, slowly faded away as his speech got cut by a mysterious scent that was flowing around the cave.

    “That’s what you came here for?” Eelektross asked, sounding disappointed. “I’d rather have you worry about yourself and your partner there, instead of those two disappointments!”

    With that, Eelektross slammed his tail into Elk and Cecil. The force was much powerful, as the opponent they were facing was the final stage of a Tynamo. Not to mention the power gap these two faced against each other. Elk and Cecil hit hard against the rough rocky wall of the caverns, and fell to their demise. They were both knocked out, but Cecil still held onto a bit of conscience.

    “Where…did…you…get…that…bandana…” Cecil asked, with a heavy breath.

    “Still looking alive are you? You should be. After all, you’re his son..” Eelectross replied.

    “…Son...Wait...My Dad…How…Where is ….”

    A sweet scent of aroma filled the entire cave, as Cecil began to hallucinate. Soon, he fell into a deep sleep as well. Elk was already unconscious. Eelektross walked over to Aria and Buurai. He smiled slightly, though he looked like he was never disappointed with them in the first place. Was it all an act?

    “I’m sorry young ones. You two are very dear to me, but you have to explore the world outside. Get stronger. You have a lot of learn.”

    Eelektross carried them both and placed them near where Cecil and Elk rested. He took a quick scan around the cave, and sensed the aroma getting stronger. Walking over to Cecil, he took off the bandana and attached to his neck.

    “You are not ready yet, Cecil. Not yet.” Eelektross sighed, “You know, you two can come out now. That concealing trick of yours isn’t going to work against me...”

    Mu-Antih and Su-Shin came out from their hiding, behind some rocks.

    “You still have a sharp sense, Raijin. It has never faltered throughout the ages.” Mu-Antih commented.
    “Flattery isn’t going to get you anywhere, my dear friend. What about you Su-Shin? Still have plenty of lessons to teach Mu-Antih?” Raijin asked.

    “I’m experienced, so it’s natural that he still needs me around, even though he’s one of the Ten Pokémon Saints, like you. His power isn’t one to be trifled with.” Su-Shin said.

    “They are unconscious, but my aroma will rejuvenate them slowly. I assume you’ve done all preparations?” Mu-Antih asked.

    “Yes. We were prepared for this day, and well prepared we have been. All that remains is the voyage to the Wigglytuff’s Guild. My friend can help us with that.” Raijin replied, as he put both of his paddle-like arms to the ground, sending shockwaves throughout the cave.

    The whole cave trembled a bit, but soon after, bursting from the ground, came an Onix. It basically resembles a giant chain of grey boulders, with a rocky spine on its head. The maestro of tunneling with a travelling container on his back, Onyx was a lifelong friend of Raijin.

    “I need you to take them all to Wigglytuff’s Guild. Tell the master there Raijin has sent them, he’d understand.” Raijin asked Onyx as the 3 elders loaded Onyx’s travelling container with the insentient kids. It was comfortable though, and Onyx was a bulky Pokémon to begin with, thus it didn’t bother him with more weight on his ‘shoulders’.

    “You can count on me, Raijin. I will see to it that these kids make it to the Guild safely.” Onyx replied, as he made his way to the end of the cave, and towards Wigglytuff’s Guild.

    “Raijin. Is that thing..still…safe?” Mu-Antih turned to Raijin.

    “Rest assured the Monster of this cave is undisturbed. That’s why you stationed me here, as the guardian, remember?” Raijin replied.

    “That’s a relief. Though, don’t worry Raijin. We know how capable of a guardian you really are. Though, that Elk sure is a handful one. He’s a lot like you, Mu-Antih. You gave me quite the trouble when you were young. Hehehe” Su-Shin giggled.

    “He is my son after all! But let us not waste any more time here. We need to return to the Woods. They are waiting for us.” Mu-Antih replied.

    “It has been a while since we met; why not use the time to do some, Catching up, Mu-Antih?” Raijin suggested.
    “Then you’re more than welcome to my village, Raijin. Let us be on our way.”

    The three elders then started walking, on the opposite direction, where Vile Woods are.

    “I can’t believe it really happened. Cecil actually came. Elk was brave. My kids battled. It all happened, like he predicted. Does this mean whatever else he said, is going to happen as well?” Raijin questioned.

    “We can’t say for sure, the future is always unexpected, like fate. We, the Ten Pokémon Saints are to ensure Gehenna’s peace at all times. Though Su-Shin made me his successor, he’s still as powerful as the Ten. We should be holding a meeting soon.” Mu-Antih replied.

    The three elders’ further discussions became blurred as the scene shifted to Onyx. Travelling through the caves, it was possible that he could reach Wigglytuff’s Guild in a days’ time.

    Inside the travelling container perched on top of Onyx’ shoulder, Cecil muffled, as tears flowed down from his eyes which he could barely open.

    “Where…are…you…Dad…?”
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  3. #3
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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    SWC Entry - "The Bug Contest"
    This is written by (me) and (not me).

    It's for Teddiursa and Yanma, and has 30680 characters.

    ----------

    It was a near-perfect autumn day. The sun was shining brilliantly, the slight breeze was refreshing on the face of passers-by as they either strolled or cycled past the freshly trimmed grass of Johto's National Park. It was a beautiful and well-kept little area, just past the hustle and bustle of Goldenrod City. Although in reality the closest shops, skyscrapers and houses were only a few hundred meters away, it felt like a lovely little secluded area; many of the trees blocked off the contrasting sights of the office blocks. On the far side of the National Park was a small forest full of wild Pokémon of many species. The majority of these Pokémon were bugs, which is why every year they held a bug capturing contest – contestants were given a time period of just a few short hours to find the most impressive bug that they could find. Time after time many interesting Pokémon had been found – Heracross, Pineco and even Pinsir had been found before! There were quite a few people who turned up each year, usually around ten to fifteen participants so that they could win the grand prize of 5000 Pokédollars.

    This year was the first year which experienced trainer Georgia McKennel had participated in. She had made it to the Silver League earlier in the summer but after losing to the expert trainer Karen, had decided to travel the region with her Pokémon until next year's tournament. Last time she had passed through the National Park it had been winter, so many of the local Pokémon had been hibernating inside the warm depths of the forest. This had meant she missed the opportunity to capture many rare and exclusive Pokémon, like Pinsir and Heracross, the first time around. She arrived at the stunning park with perfect timing; meaning she had the prospect of winning money for what she was planning on doing anyway.

    The time was around 5 o'clock in the afternoon, and the end of the day was fast approaching. It was just a couple of minutes before the competition was to begin, and everybody else was stoked up for it – everyone had a precious hour to find the best bug that they possibly could. Georgia, on the other hand, was sitting quietly on a small folding chair in the corner. She was fiddling with her slick and beautiful blonde hair while her Pichu scampered about on the path. She was wearing an armless pink T-shirt, a pair of denim shorts and some stylish pink flip flops. Georgia had quite a pretty face – long brow hair tied into a ponytail and a fabulous pair of sea-blue eyes. A young man, not above the age of twenty-five walked towards her, holding a clipboard. His clothing was the same as the other National Park staff, so Georgia had figured out that he was a Bug Catching Contest official. He smiled at Georgia with a kind look on his face – she smiled weakly back. He picked up a pen from the clipboard and with a relaxing tone of voice asked Georgia what her name was and other general information, such as her birth date and address. She answered these questions successfully before being told to walk outside for the beginning of the contest.

    The National Park was still extremely pleasant to the delight of the small crowd which seemed to be gathered on one side of the path. They were on the very outskirts of the vast forest and everybody was lined up, ready to get cracking. Everyone was hyped up so much that many people – including Georgia! - were getting into the sprint position. Finally, after a tense wait, a sharp whistle blew and everyone ran off into the forest. Before the race had begun, everyone was handed out a total of ten Park Balls to use, and they were only to use three Pokémon – Georgia had brought some of the Pokemon she thought would be most useful: Ninetales, Pichu and Meganium.

    Ninetales was an easy choice; she was strong against the Bug Types in the contest. Moves such as her Ember and Flamethrower were almost certain to give a powerful option offensively. Georgia had chosen Meganium, her starter, due to its Vine Whip attack. While not being very effective against Bug Types, it could easily hold the quicker Pokemon in place while Georgia threw one of her Park Balls at them. Meganium's beautiful petals blended in with the marvellous scenery, meaning that it had the element of surprise over any creatures Georgia may find. Pichu was an almost odd choice. Of course, it could paralyse the wild Bug Types with Thunder Wave, giving another option, but it was much weaker than the rest of its comrades. Apart from a few weaknesses, Georgia thought that it was a fairly strong team. But then again, surely any trainer would think their team was great?

    Her Pichu rushed ahead, eager to meet some new Pokemon friends and possibly teammates. The little electric rodent was running so fast, it bumped into a larger orange Electric Type. Pichu bounced off its white underbelly.

    "Rai!" the Raichu called. Pichu looked up from the ground and saw the intimidating face of another of its distant relatives. Its long, slender tail was snaking behind it, waving to and fro. Its long, sharp ears spiked up to increase the effect of scaring the baby Pokémon. It seemed slightly annoyed that it had been hit, but when just about to release its fury on the rodent, was stopped by its male trainer. He was wearing a white T-shirt, and a pair of short, swimming trunks – he looked almost like a surfer. He wore a pair of sunglasses to both compliment his dark hair and complete his surfer image.

    "A Pichu, eh? This one will be good to catch to evolve into Pikachu - the only Pokemon I need to complete my Pikachu line collection!” its black-haired trainer said, pulling a Park Ball out of his bag. “I could’ve had one before if that wimp in Sinnoh would’ve let me have his Pikachu. But that arrogant trainer didn’t want to give it up. Stupid noob..." he muttered, not wanting to bring up the fact that the ‘wimp’ had beaten him with the Pikachu.

    “Pi chu!” his own Pichu said.*

    "Chu!" Pichu arrogantly yelled. Georgia's Pichu didn't want to evolve; he was more than happy with being a Pichu, and wanted to show everybody how strong he was as a Pichu. And above all, it wanted to be Georgia's Pokemon, not some random trainers. It was definitely lucky that it was near-impossible to re-capture trainer Pokémon.

    The white-shirted trainer smiled smugly to himself. He didn't have the time to weaken it, so instead of commanding Raichu to attack, he just instantly threw his Park Ball at the Pichu. Pichu has a horrified look on its face, before closing its eyes tightly and bracing itself for when it would be hit by the spherical capturing device.

    When the Pokeball hit Pichu, it just bounced off of her, like a dodgeball bouncing off of a wall. It was at that moment that Pichu realized it couldn't be captured by another trainer.

    "I suppose you're a Trained Pokemon, then," the trainer replied. "Do you mind taking me to your-" he continued, before he was cut off.

    "What do you think you're doing trying to catch my Pichu?" Georgia yelled, panting - catching up with Pichu was tiring. “Just leave it alone – look, its terrified!” This was true – Pichu was still shaking in fear of what could have been.

    "It was yours? I didn't know, sorry. By the way, the name's Sho," Sho said.

    "Rai, Rai chu!" his Raichu said. That roughly translated to 'Yo, I'm Raichu,"

    “Pi chu chu!” Pichu replied.

    “And I’m Georgia McKennel. I see you have a Pichu as well. I think they’re cute.” Georgia smiled.

    “Pichu may be cute, but when it evolves into Raichu it’s definitely a butt-kicking machine.” Sho explained. “Anyway, your Pichu doesn’t like you, it seems. Do you want me to take care of it for you?” Sho asked, shrugging.

    “How did you come to that conclusion? My Pichu likes me, I’m sure of it!” Georgia replied, stubbornly. She was offended by this comment, and wondered why this trainer – 'Sho' - just wouldn't leave her alone.

    “Pi chu!” Pichu retaliated, punching the air.

    “Your Pichu would be a Pikachu by now if it liked you!” Sho responded loudly.

    “My Pichu doesn’t want to evolve into Pikachu!” Georgia shouted, angrily. Her face was red with anger. “It's a sign of my respect that I'm listening to its wishes.”

    “Yo, calm it, missy,” Sho responded.

    Georgia calmed down by taking deep breaths of the fresh forest air. It was slightly musty, with a hint of the lovely fragrance of the flowers. “Anyway, I've got to find a bug Pokemon for the contest now. Later,” she said.

    “Bye, Georgia. Good luck beating me!” Sho replied, calmly walking away into the forest. However, Sho did not notice that his Raichu was staying behind. Curiously, it walked up to the Pichu, examining it from head to toe. It was at that point when the older Pokémon had unexpectedly launched a furious punch into the abdomen of Pichu, sending it flying a couple of meters! This unexpected attack provoked an angry reaction from Georgia.

    “Oi! Sho! What the hell do you think your Raichu's doing? Look at my Pichu!”

    “What are you on about?” Sho had replied, smirking. “My Raichu did nothing!”

    “Yes it did! My Pichu isn't dumb enough to just pretend to be hurt!”

    But it was more than that. Sho's Raichu had smashed his fist into the baby mouse's abdomen so hard that it wouldn't get up. Not only because it was in pain – it physically couldn't. It must have struck a sweet spot because he was paralysed – although nothing that a paralyze heal couldn't fix, it was still a dent into the plans of Georgia – she was pretty much one Pokémon down. Without any healing items to hand - they were taken away from all participants at the start of the contest - Pichu couldn’t be healed. Meganium knew how to use Aromatherapy, but seeing as the grass dinosaur had just recently learnt the move, she could only use it to heal herself.

    “Ha, I'll see you later, McKennel,” said Sho smugly. It was one of the looks that if you were any closer you'd want to hit it hard. He continued down the main path. Georgia was so angry that Sho's Raichu would do something like paralyzing a Pichu like that. She lifted the Pichu back up onto her shoulder, before rushing back to the main square to tell one of the officials. It was most likely against the rules to inflict a status condition on someone else’s Pokemon.

    She walked up to one of the five officials and explained. "One of the competitor’s Raichu hit my Pichu with a Thunder Punch, and now my Pichu's paralyzed,"

    "Until you have proof that the Raichu did it, I'm not believing you," the official responded, without feeling any sympathy. "For all we know, it could have been a Butterfree using Stun Spore and you just wanted to disqualify a random participant who had a Pokémon that could paralyze,"

    "Hmph. OK then. I'll guess I'll just have to catch a Bug Pokémon with two Pokémon instead of the three the others are using," Georgia replied, pointing out the negatives to try to ease a little bit of sympathy out of the guard. "Chu," Pichu said from atop Georgia's shoulder. It was paralyzed, so scurrying off wasn't possible.

    "It won't work, missy," he replied. Georgia just walked back into the woods to try to catch a Bug Pokemon, when she was one Pokemon down. Even though she was disadvantaged, Georgia was determined to get at least third place. Her minute electric mouse wanted to win, too, despite being paralyzed. Georgia calmly walked into the forest, apparently unfazed by the fact that she had a disadvantage to every other competitior.

    “Free! Free!” a butterfly Pokémon said, its yellow scarf fluttering in the wind as the Butterfree flew past Georgia. It was accompanied by a pink Butterfree. Both Butterfree glanced at Georgia, not wanting to leave Georgia’s company.

    “Chu?” Pichu said, confused as to why the Butterfree would be pink.

    “I don’t know why Butterfree would be pink either, but I think that a pink Butterfree would get us some good points,” Georgia replied, reaching down to her belt and detaching Meganium’s Pokeball from the Pokeball holder. She pressed the miniscule white button on the front and the red and white capsule grew in size. She pressed the button again and a red beam was fired from the Pokeball.*

    The beam materialized into a tall quadruped Grass Type Pokemon, with a pink ring of flowers at the base of its long neck. Its yellow antennae swayed in the autumn breeze and complimented the colours of its pastel green body, while the Meganium wagged its small tail.* “Meganium!” Meganium cried.

    “OK, Meganium, Vine Whip!” Georgia commanded.*
    Two long vines grew from around Meganium’s neck, aiming to whip the pink Butterfree. However, the yellow-scarfed Butterfree flew in front of his pink companion, taking the Vine Whip attack. The long vines struck the Butterfree’s wings, knocking it down.

    “Free...” the Butterfree said, trying to get up. Clearly it was in some sort of pain. “Butter free free free butter,”

    “Pi chu chu pi chu pi?” Georgia’s Pichu asked. It was still in pain from the Thunder Punch, though it was used to the feeling now.

    “Free.”

    “So what were you just talking about?” Georgia asked. She had no problem understanding Pichu; it was just that she didn’t understand Butterfree language.

    “Pi chu chu pi chu. Chu chu pi chu,” Pichu replied.

    “So the Butterfree live here, in a secret part of the park with a massive oak tree? But the tree's been taken over by another species of Pokémon and you need help to drive them away? I suppose we could help the Butterfree, then. I'm sure you guys have a family, right? Well I have to help you, I can't just leave your family trapped by the other Pokemon, can I?” Georgia replied. “OK, then. Butterfree, can you lead us to the secret area?” Georgia asked.

    “Free butter free,” the Butterfree replied, before they swivelled around and fluttered away from the main path and through the forest. The male Butterfree’s scarf swayed in the wind as they slowly flew towards the lake.

    “I’m guessing the Butterfree want us to follow them,” Georgia muttered, before starting to walk after the Butterfree. Luckily they weren’t flying as fast as they could; if they were, it would be nigh impossible to catch up with them without the use of a Pokémon. She didn’t expect to be helping out some Pokemon, let alone an alternately-coloured one. But then again, Johto was full of surprises.

    “Chu, chupi pi, chu pi chu chu pi chu?” Pichu asked the Butterfree. Georgia knew it meant “So, Butterfree, how did you get that scarf?”

    Without turning towards Pichu, he replied. “Butterfree, free free free, butter butter free.” Tears flowed down from his eyes; it was clearly an emotional and touchy subject.

    “Pi, chu pi chu chu pi, pi?” Pichu responded. “But, at least you’re with the one you love now, right?”

    “Free free.” Butterfree was crying more than ever before, his tears had dripped down his face onto his yellow scarf. It reminded him of his trainer, who had given it to him before he let him go.

    Now that the group were deeper into the forest, more thorns lined the dusty ground. Georgia had to be careful not to step on one; else she’d be in pain. They were as spiky as a Raikou’s fang. Caterpie squiggled up the trees, though Georgia chose to ignore them; they’d most likely not score high points in the contest because they were common and weak. Further into the depths of the forest they walked. As they walked on and on the aroma of honey was slowly wafting into their noses, becoming overwhelming quickly. And then Georgia and her group saw why; the source of the honey. An extremely large oak tree was stood in the centre of a large clearing, with many holes and cavities oozing with the golden liquid. It was an ancient tree, looking at least a few centuries old. The honey was dripping, and unsurprisingly, many small brown Pokémon resembling bears were crawling over the tree, trying to absorb the fluid with its small paws. There were many Metapod hanging from some of the longer branches, and there were many small Caterpie crawling around the top half of the tree, possibly moving towards the leaves to get their food.

    The team could instantly see the problem – the Buterfree's home of the large tree was being destroyed by the Teddiursa, who were attempting to claim the tree for themselves for the huge honey source located within the oak. There were about four bears climbing on the tree, and when the Butterfree flew towards them to try to halt their efforts, they twisted their heads around and snarled at the butterflies – they were certainly angry at the owners of the tree.

    It was at that point that an unexpected person showed up – Sho. Emerging from the outer trees, he looked at the group, smiling slightly. “I decided to follow you after you re-entered the National Park, and I saw this. I want to help the Butterfree, its unfair what these Teddiursa are doing to them.

    Georgia looked unimpressed. “Why the change of heart? Just a moment ago your Raichu injured my Pichu, and now it'd be harder for us to win the contest!”

    “I'm sorry I lied,” replied Sho, almost shamefully. “I wanted to win the contest, but I didn't know it was actually Raichu who had hurt it. I didn't order it to happen, it must seem like it doesn't trust me a lot as a trainer. I'm ever so sorry, and wanted to help you to repay the favour.”

    “Okay then, Sho. Help me to get rid of these Teddiursa, then. You take the two on the left?”

    When those words were spoken, all of them dropped down off the tree one-by-one, apparently defensive of their 'territory'. They were all prepared to fight to protect the oak.

    “Sho, how about you take the two on the left?” Georgia suggested. “The two on the right will be mine.”

    Sho nodded in agreement, and released his Raichu from its Pokéball. It was a solid choice, Georgia had thought. She herself had chosen her most powerful of her Pokémon, Meganium. With a short, sharp flick of McKennels wrist, she flung the Pokéball to the area surrounding the two Teddiursa that she was meant to be attacking. The Teddiursa were looking more savage than they were when they were happily eating their honey earlier, and were ready for a fight. They were both distinguishable from each other because one of their crescents on their heads was the usual golden colour, while the others was silver. The one with the golden moon struck first; its paws were glowing white with energy and power, and then after sprinting towards Meganium, unleashed its power with five slashes, alternating hands each time. The Fury Swipes didn't seem to bother the dinosaur-like Pokémon.

    However, Meganium wanted to retaliate to the attacks, and using a tactical move, Georgia commanded that it were to uses Leech Seed on both of the bears. It responded positively, releasing two brown seeds from its mouth, spitting the projectiles at both Pokémon at a tremendous pace. The seeds struck the Teddiursa sweetly, and multiple vines wrapped themselves around the Pokémon with the intent to suck the life out of them gradually. They were rooted to the spot, unable to attack. This gave Georgia the opportunity to damage them once more. “Vine Whip, Megainium! Hit both of them again!”

    Meganium followed its instructions again. More vines protruded from a hidden spot beneath the flowery necklace of the grass-type. They extended towards the brown Pokémon as they struggled immensely to avoid being injured by the reasonably powerful move. The vines reached its targets, before striking each Teddiursa on the side of the face. However, the force of the slap managed to knock them away from the previous Leech Seed, leaving them ready to attack. But this wasn't the case – the silver mooned Teddiursa was sitting on the floor crying, clearly upset about how it was hit. Meganium didn't want to give out the wrong impression that it was a bully, so it went over to comfort the baby bear. However, the golden crescent Pokémon, from almost nowhere, rocketed in, head-first. It hit the Meganium strongly in the chest - the impact was powerful, winding the larger Pokémon. It fell to the floor, dazed. The two Pokémon walked over to Meganium to damage it even more, before it launched out another Vine Whip, tripping up both Pokémon to the floor in an almost comical manner. Meganium stood up, before following up the Vine Whip with a Razor Leaf. Two blades were flung from the Meganium, both flying towards the golden-mooned Teddiursa. It sliced through the air like a knife through butter with amazing pace and accuracy, and cut deep into the chest of the target. It reminded Georgia of a ninja throwing a shuriken.

    Georgia cranked her head to the side to check up on how Sho was doing. He had finished off one of the Teddiursa already, although the Raichu was looking significantly worse off for wear, battered and bruised. She assumed that if Raichu was knocked out, his Pikachu would replace it. Focusing back on her own battle, the Teddiursa had decided to team up once again. They had both used Double Team, which meant that there were both Pokémon with their respective hologram clones. Meganium used Razor Leaf again to determine which was which, beginning with the one which had a golden moon. It launched the blades at two of the three holograms, and to the dismay of Georgia, they had both flown straight through the holograms and they had disappeared. This suprise left Meganium a little startled, which the Teddiursa took advantage of by using its sharp claws to slash the grass-type.

    Meganium gave a small roar in pain – the normal-type Pokémon had struck a little blood. It was easily visible; the dark crimson fluid contrasted against the pale, chalk-green of Meganiums body. It needed a little rest for a while before it would be fighting fit.

    “Meganium, return!” Called Georgia. She drew a Pokéball from her pocket, and threw it gently at Meganium, causing it to glow a bright white and for it to disappear into the spherical capturing device. She then called out her trust Ninetails, which went by the nickname of Madison. Madison was a brave fighter, and always tried to do its trainer proud. She started up on a good foot; after being released, she immediately started off well. She fired off a continuous stream of fire, singeing the fluffy hair of one of the Teddiursa slightly – after this direct hit, a pair of the holograms blinked from existance. This seemed to further spur on the bear Pokémon, knowing it had nothing to hide itself with. It stood tall, puffing up its chest in an attempt to intimidate Madison slightly. Its efforts were all but for naught, and the elegant fox let out another burst of flames at that Teddiursa. This one had seemed to significantly weakened it, and to finish the combo, Ninetails ran at the Teddiursa and head-butted it, knocking it off of its feet – it had been knocked out, fainted – whatever word you'd like to use.

    The other Teddiursa – the one with the golden crescent on its head – had suddenly become meek and timid – it felt less powerful now that its partner had been taken care of. It backed away, slouching against the body of the ancient oak tree, worried about what was coming next. It had also seen that Sho had finished the battle against the other two of its comrades, and was alone – no one was there to help it. It had tears in its eyes – all it had wanted was a new home.

    “Teddi...” It said, finally realizing there was no way out of this mess. However, Georgia had thought differently.

    “Teddiursa, we could do with someone like you on our team, would you like to join us?”

    McKennel had thought that the Teddiursa looked lonely, and needed someone to look after it. On this thought, she had pulled out a Park Ball, and coaxed the bear towards it. It slowly shuffled over, surprised at this small turn of fate, before reaching a sticky paw over to the capturing device. The Teddiursa had glowed a gorgeous shade of red, before being engulfed by the ball. Needless to say, it had shook once, twice, three times. Georgia had a new team-mate. She was relieved; the Butterfree fluttered towards them from above, previously hiding in the treetops after the exciting battle. They had an extremely satisfied and joyous look on their face – now they could return to their happy lives, with the rest of their family.

    The feeling of happiness didn't last long at all. Georgia had checked her pink watch and couldn't believe her eyes – there were only fifteen short minutes before the competition ended. She was sure to miss out on the prize. Tears were slowly beginning to form in her beautiful blue eyes, and she knew that she'd have to wait a whole year before she got the chance to participate again. Sho looked on, feeling sympathetic for his fellow trainer. He would have loved to help her further for the earlier mishap, but he too was stuck for ideas.

    She slowly began to walk back through the clearing to the main hut where the contest had begun. She knew it was too late for a change of fortune.

    Georgia was wrong.


    The two Butterfree, after flying back to the oak tree to make sure that every one of their seventeen Metapod were fine, noted the sad look on the young girls face. She had wasted her own time and chance in the competition to help out them out – something they probably could've helped themselves if they had given themselves enough time. The butterflies really were grateful towards Georgia, and really wanted to help out. They approached the beautiful trainer and the male nudged her slightly with the edge of his silky wing.

    “Free! Free! Butterfree!” it exclaimed in its language. It was trying to grab Georgia's attention, as it had an idea to allow her to capture a Pokémon. Georgia turned her head round, to see the Butterfree gesturing with their purple heads to follow her. They then nodded in a separate direction, to the left side of where Georgia was standing, and flew off at a great pace, zig-zagging through the trees like the national park was one large obstacle course.

    Georgia was starting to believe that they were both trying to help her win the competition. It was a slim chance, that's for sure, but the key thing is that it was a chance. Georgia sprinted after the two common Pokémon to try to gain some extra information.

    It wasn't long before Georgia arrived at one of the most beautiful places which she had ever seen – it was a lake, full of crystal-clear water. It shimmered in the fading sunlight, and was a magnificent sight to behold. It was large; it maybe about a quarter of a kilometer radius, and was uninhabited by any Pokémon. Georgia's hopes had began to settle down a little; there was no bug types to capture in this secret pond. About to turn around to leave, she heard a curious buzzing sound from behind her. She turned back, and a massive group of Yanma had appeared from behind the skyline made up of some dense woodland. They seemed to hover in the sky, darting forwards and back in their pack. As they approached the lake, they began to dive down, skimming their legs against the surface of the water, rippling the previously calm water. They began to fly over the head of Georgia, and would usually have meant she had missed her opportunity to capture one of these marvellous beasts. Luckily for her, a younger Yanma was travelling far behind the rest of the bug-types, obviously slower than the rest. It had probably disappeared unnoticed, now lost and alone.

    Of course, Georgia couldn't have let it go without its family. And they were too far away now for Georgia to get it back. And then, everything clicked into place. The Yanma was without a home, and Georgia was without a bug-type Pokémon to use for the competition – they both were in need of one another.

    “Yan! Yanma!” It called. It was looking for its family, trying to get back to them.

    “Yanma,” Georgia spoke softly. “They're gone now. I'll take care of you if you want. Trust me.”

    The young Yanma seemed not to understand the kind words of the experienced trainer. It began to fly away, back from the direction it first came in. But Georgia was so exhausted, and wanted to finish this competition in style. In desperation, she threw a Park Ball at the flying Pokmon. It struck sweetly on the head of the Pokmon she so badly sought after, and splashed down into thee calming water. It splashed down, and for one awful moment McKennel had thought that the ball would sink, losing the baby Pokmon forever. To her delight, it bobbled up from the depths of the water, and wobbled its characteristic once, twice, thrice. A small clicking sound had confirmed the capture.

    The one problem that remained was the ball was stuck in the water source. Georgia knew that her time was quickly running out, and a quick glance at her watch confirmed this. 5 minutes remained. She quickly ran to the side of the water and dived in head first. She wasn't the most experienced swimmer, but she got the job done climbing out, she noticed the Butterfree were happy that they repayed the favor. With one last job on their hands, they guided Georgia back to the building where the competition started. They were the last back, and Sho was smiling. He seemed happy that they were back safely.

    “Did you find any bugs?” he questioned. “When you left me, there wasn't much time left!”

    “Yes, I did thank you,” Georgia replied happily. “And it's-”

    She was cut out by an announcement on the speakers located around the outside of the building.
    “All competitors locate themselves to the front of the building. I repeat, all competitors locate themselves to the front of the building. Thank you.”

    There was a movement in the crowd as everybody who entered the competition moved to the front. They were all lined up horizontally, Park Balls in hand. The announcer counted down from ten, and each trainer released their Pokemon to the crowd. A bright flash of crimson light flashed from most directions as everything had been released. There was a large variety – from the common Weedle and Metapod to the rarer Pinsir and Ariados. Georgia thought she was very much in with a chance of winning the competition.

    There was a lot of suspense, and Georgia was both nervous and anxious. She looked to the side – Sho had only managed to muster up a Venonat. The announcer was getting ready to tell the crowd who had won the grand prize. Seconds ticked away, and there was silence. Then all of a sudden-

    “The winner is Michael, with Scyther!”

    A sad look grew onto the face of Georgia – she was visably upset that she hadn't won, and all that last minute effort had been for naught. Her dripping wet clothes were ruined; she had lost them over nothing. But on the other hand, she now had two new additions to her team – Teddiursa and Yanma. They were sure to contribute greatly to her next greatest challenge – to win the Pokemon League!
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    KittensStories! Free to a good grader!
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  5. #5
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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    Kitties! I'll claim the first one, Sam and Bee's iirc. This one:

    Story Writers : Jessie & James
    Pokemon targeted : Sandile, Joltik, Elgyem and Darumakka
    Characters Needed : 40k
    Characters In : 40,068 ish.

    Grade up hopefully in a few days, when I get back.
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    Virbank Gym Leader WinterVines's Avatar
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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    Hope Bearer

    So here it is. Congratulations on the competition, by the way, since I didn't say it earlier. Take what you like out of the grade and leave the rest, but hopefully something I said was useful and stays with you.

    ---

    Intro: Your intro is interesting. It introduces readers into a different world much like Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, complete with fancy names. I like it and then am concerned about it for a couple of reasons.

    I like the style you took with it, a sort of heavy narration, like being read a fairytale. You continue this in other parts of the story, which I'll go into later more. The only problem is that its hard to differentiate where it ends and where the story begins. There are a set of ellipses, but that's easily missed. It's so jarring because the tense switches once the prologue is over. I think for your narration parts where it goes into a more omniscient point of view, you could put it in italics. I think that would help set it apart, so when you change tense or scenes it isn't so abrupt and readers won't go back to see if they missed something.

    Another thing I'd like to warn is about large paragraphs right away in the story. A lot of people say it doesn't matter, but the look of the story before they start reading actually is pretty important. If a reader sees a large chunk of text right away in the beginning, the lazy ones could be like 'I can't be bothered to read that'. Not a good start if you're trying to hook people in.

    You don't have to have a bunch of one-liners in the story, but breaking up your paragraphs a little bit (especially in the beginning) could really help out the aesthetic appeal of the work. Paragraphs in general should group information that all relates to each other somehow, and it's main idea is usually the first sentence. In your first paragraph, a good place to split it might be when you say “Apart from that,..” as that's going into a new idea about the guild instead of Gehenna as a whole, as the first sentence introduces.

    The only other thing I wanted to say before moving on is your showing backstory right away. While a bit of it is necessary to describe the overall setting, most of the time gradual mentions of it as the story progresses is the better way to go. I don't mind it so much here, since the Guild becomes relevant pretty quickly, but it might be useful for other stories the two of you write. If you overload too much, it makes the story seem like a documentary or research paper, and unless that's the style you're going for, that might bore people.

    Plot: The plot for this story was more like a beginnings/prologue type of thing with the main purpose of introducing the characters and then giving them a place to go. For medium mons, I think this is just fine. There was some mention of other goals, at least on Sandile's part, so that was an added bonus. There was also a battle scene to spice things up a bit, so it wasn't all about traveling.

    I think, even though this is an introductory part, I would've liked to see some more from Elk. The story was mainly about Cecil, but you did make a mention of Elk being the other main character. Sure, he wanted to go through the trial so he could prove himself, but what else? You did put in the bit about his mother and how he turned a little more timid. That was good. I guess I want to see more character development in the future. It's not such a big deal right now because it's the beginning, but these guys just did get thrown into a journey they didn't know they'd be taking. You showed some of Cecil's reaction to the end (at least about his dad), but that would've been a good opportunity to show what was happening to the others as well.

    This is also true of the Elygem and Darumaka. They didn't have their own sections, but since you also went for them and they got thrown on the journey, I'm sure they're important.

    Cecil's reaction at the end also seemed a bit incomplete. Sure, he's broken up about his dad, but he has no qualms about being locked in a small area with three strangers? I think reacting to that also could've combined with his already conflicted emotions and caused something there. That goes for the others too. What were they feeling? Or were they still knocked out? Little things like that can really add to the story.

    Detail/Description: Overall the description was pretty good. The main characters, Cecil and Elk, were given dedication paragraphs for what they looked like. That can work well for main characters. I was fine with it here. It's not something you want to do for every character though, as it can drown a reader in too much description so they get bored with it.

    The extra characters should get some attention though, even if it's just briefly, like mentioning a spindly arm or something. That happened with Ariados and Forretress, and though they don't play major roles, a general rule is to pretend like the reader has no idea what that mon looks like. Something small and sweet is easy to insert, like their color, an interesting characteristic, or maybe something they carry on them.

    This is especially important when you have many names. Besides just using their name all the time, adding in an extra piece of detail or even their species would be helpful. I found myself constantly looking back to remember what one was Aria and what one was Buurai. This also happened with the Galvantula and Ariados. Giving a small detail will help readers remember who is who, and that's especially important because this is an introductory piece.

    This also goes for dialogue. Showing actions and reactions to speaking really adds detail to a story. Did the other person frown at his words? Did she flick her hair as she spoke? Did she stop her sentence to point at something?

    Another thing that could be helpful is showing the readers what is happening instead of summarizing it. A couple of scenes I felt were rushed, like when Cecil is going to leave and he hears Alberto's voice one last time. Instead of summarizing and saying he heard it before leaving, then saying what was said, and then making Cecil leave again, you could make the events happen in order. For example: Cecil goes to leave and he stops suddenly because he hears something whispered. After straining to hear what it is, he absorbs the information (letting you include his thoughts about it if you like) and then continues on his way. Showing something is happening, like as its happening, is almost always better than just saying it did.

    A place there was opportunity was when Cecil did the head ram. What does it look like? Is it from the side? Is it done with the top of the skull? Do you try to knock the other down? Does it make an interesting sound? All of these things add a little more detail to the story, and they help the reader visualize what's happening. They also add to your character count, if you want to go that route. Another place: What items did Alberto put in the pack? Did Cecil check? What other stuff did he think he was going to need? And: How was being a Ground-type good in relation to the vibrations on the ground when the Darumaka attacked? He's part Ground-type, but does that make him good at sensing? Does he hear whispers from the earth? Is this a skill all Ground-types have?

    Grammar: This area was a bit messy, but it wasn't horrible bad. There are just a few rules to keep in mind. There were several typos (and name errors, like who are Primo and Rayon?) and a couple misspellings (this doesn't count 'ou' words like colour, since that's a nation thing, but traveling has one L and bandanna has two N), and usually it doesn't bother me, but there were enough of them to make me stumble every few minutes, making me have to start and stop a lot.

    I know this one was probably a bit rushed due to the competition deadline, but due to the extra perks you get from a successful complete capture, it's worth looking over a few more times. Usually waiting a day and then going over a story helps me, or since there were two of you, you could read over each others' work. Definitely do a bit of proofreading. It's very important. I've stopped reading other stories because of too many typos. When reading, the story should flow.

    The first thing I'm going to talk about is tense. Look at this:
    He is an elusive ... but was always respected
    This is one sentence, but the tense changes in it. Tense should stay the same throughout the whole thing, as well as the paragraph and even section. The main area you guys had trouble with this was when you switched from your narration-like introductions into what was actually happening. That was part of the reason I suggested Italics for the narrations, if only to make them more distinct so the switch isn't so jarring.

    The next thing I want to mention is run-on sentences. There were a few of these throughout the fic.
    Cecil couldn’t be bothered honestly, since he didn’t want to waste any more of his time, he decided to leave.
    I bolded the area that's the problem here. Because you're using the second half as an add on, it needs a conjunction (and, but, so, etc) after the comma. Any time you connect two complete sentences (one that has both a subject and verb), you have to use a comma and conjunction to join them. You don't need a comma if the second sentence just has a verb or if its describing two things that are happening, like here:
    Cecil looked around, and was contented that it was his friend.
    That comma shouldn't be there because the and describes two things that he is doing.

    Next thing is dialogue tags. I know I told Bee this before, so I'm not sure who it was or if it was just missed, but I'm going to remind you what's up with those. When adding a dialogue tag onto a speaking part, a comma goes inside the quotation marks and then the tag part is not capitalized unless it's a proper noun. Look at this:
    “...just like how I believe you.” Alberto responded.
    The period here should be a comma, because Alberto responded is a dialogue tag. There were quite a few of these, so I just thought I'd highlight it again.

    Another little thing that really adds to stories is the word choice. You have to be pretty careful to say what you mean, like here:
    Cecil replied pompously.
    While Cecil is being a bit arrogant here, showing his strength, pompously implies that he's a jerk. From what I saw, Cecil is pretty cool, not a jerk. Like how smirking is for jerks. You do the same thing here:
    Be full of yourself, and
    So Alberto is telling Cecil to be cocky? That specific phrase is generally used in a negative way, so again, it makes Cecil look like a jerk. Good word choice makes the story flow smoother for an easier read.

    The last major thing I really want to talk about is your use of ellipses. While I like them in specific places, like when your narrative introduction ended, I think you overused them a little bit. This happens in your dialogue especially, like here:
    “S..t..o..p..”
    There really isn't a need for so many. When put this way, it looks like they're pronouncing each letter individually. If need be, you could add on actions to the words like I was saying before to add emphasis on how the words are spoken.

    Other than that it was okay, just please watch the typos and the things I talked about. A lot of those can be caught with a second look-over. I don't normally say anything about a few, but there were enough to trip me up and make me reread several times, and anything that interrupts flow that much should be pointed out. Another thing you might want to watch for is repeating the same words. It happened a little with Sandile and bedrock, and it just makes you seem like you're repeating yourself. Nothing too major here though.

    Length: Sandile, Darumaka, Joltik, and Elgyem are all medium rank, giving you a 40-80k range. You got over 40k by your count, but I only got 39,894 by mine, and that was including the title and page breaks. I even counted multiple times. It's really really close, so it doesn't really bother me.

    Reality/Miscellaneous: Most things were reasonable in this area. There were a couple things I'd like to point out though, like Cecil deciding to up and leave after a suggestion. He did protest it with one line of words, but then in the next he agreed without a lot of thought about it. Adding in some of his thoughts, or maybe a pause describing how he hesitates, would make it more realistic.

    Another spot was when the Darumaka tied Cecil to a tree, but then you said he got down to look at the item on the ground. If he was tied to a tree and it was never mentioned that he was cut loose, how did he get down?

    The only other thing that really stuck out was when you put *cough* in a line of dialogue. This makes it look like an IM, so it doesn't belong in speech. Instead, you could add it after in words.

    Result:
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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    Meh, guess I'll grab the other one.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



  8. #8
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: COLLAB CONTEST ENTRANTS!

    Plot/introduction:

    Introduction ~ I liked it. It wasn’t vivid in terms of detail but you you did provided the reader a clear image of the opening scene.

    t was a near-perfect autumn day. The sun was shining brilliantly, the slight breeze was refreshing on the face of passers-by as they either strolled or cycled past the freshly trimmed grass of Johto's National Park. It was a beautiful and well-kept little area, just past the hustle and bustle of Goldenrod City. Although in reality the closest shops, skyscrapers and houses were only a few hundred meters away, it felt like a lovely little secluded area; many of the trees blocked off the contrasting sights of the office blocks.
    You didn't mention colors or anything like that, but I was still able to picture what you were trying to pass to the reader.

    The next thing you go into was the NP bug contest. I like how you explained the contest clearly, but a few things you inserted seemed out of place.

    This year was the first year which experienced trainer Georgia McKennel had participated in. [She had made it to the Silver League earlier in the summer but after losing to the expert trainer Karen, had decided to travel the region with her Pokémon until next year's tournament. Last time she had passed through the National Park it had been winter, so many of the local Pokémon had been hibernating inside the warm depths of the forest. This had meant she missed the opportunity to capture many rare and exclusive Pokémon, like Pinsir and Heracross, the first time around.] She arrived at the stunning park with perfect timing; meaning she had the prospect of winning money for what she was planning on doing anyway.
    ~ The section in the brackets is what concerns me. I like how you explained why she was there, but you have non essential information there. Unless it is relevant you don’t need to tell the reader about the silver league or some trainer named Karen. The same part applies to when you mentioned winter and the Pokemon, the reader doesn’t need this information. If you wanted to include that information you would need to shorten it by just including that last time she was in the area she was busy with something else.

    Besides that problem, you have a solid introduction here.

    Plot ~ You went for some medium mon so I’m not going to be too harsh, but you need to watch out for a few things.

    To start, your plot was exciting nor did it grip me and made me want to read more, that being said I couldn’t predict which direction the story was taking and I didn’t get bored reading it so nice job. Now to move on to the real things. Overall the plot was good enough for mon of this rank, but you really need to consider a few things for future attempts.

    We’ll start with flow. By flow, I mean how did the story progress and if each section of the story connected together and if the said sections connect with the overarching theme of the entire thing. You did a solid job on this section, each part connected without any abrupt transitions that would have caused a reader to stumble. That being said, I felt you could have payed more attention to the passing of time. You mentioned that you had a time limit to catch the Pokemon, but in my mind it seemed like the story only took like thirty minutes. Next time if you have time as a factor you need to be sure to include something about physical time measurement or something that allows to reader to track time without being distracted by it.

    The next thing you need to consider is that you have the cliched Pokemon story here. Yes, you added a few different details, but all things considered you have the same thing here. Kid walks into forest and finds/battles Pokemon. The details of it being a sponsored event and protecting a tree add a few extra details but that is it. You really need to shy away from this type of story. Trying making it not so cliched by creating a different plot line. For instance, perhaps a contestant trying to capture a bug Pokemon started a forest fire and your two characters had to rescue some Pokemon and fight their way past a blazing forest.

    There was also something that bugged (no pun) that I think you should consider.
    “So the Butterfree live here, in a secret part of the park with a massive oak tree? But the tree's been taken over by another species of Pokémon and you need help to drive them away? I suppose we could help the Butterfree, then. I'm sure you guys have a family, right? Well I have to help you, I can't just leave your family trapped by the other Pokemon, can I?” Georgia replied. “OK, then. Butterfree, can you lead us to the secret area?” Georgia asked.
    This seems all fine and dandy in a perfect world, but this is a not a perfect world. To start, I find it highly unlikely a human could get that much detailed information from a Pokemon. You did mention that the girl could understand her Pichu, but this is Pokemon. Humans can’t understand Pokemon like that, not even the famous Ash could understand everything his Pikachu said. And because you had some much detail about what was happening just serves to make the thing that much less realistic. Although this is a make-believe world and you have some freedom with Pokemon, you can really go-mod certain things, and this is one of them. The one final thing I have to say about this passage also concerns time and a few other things. If this place was so secret it must be well hidden or otherwise the annual contestants would have found the thing. This means that it is really well hidden and you should have explained something to that effect; or that is was deep in the forest, and that goes back to my thing of time. Watch out for this kind of stuff, it can be distracting.

    The one final thing I want to say about this thing is at the end when Yanma was captured. Not only did it seem super unrealistic, it seemed forced and fake.

    The young Yanma seemed not to understand the kind words of the experienced trainer. It began to fly away, back from the direction it first came in. But Georgia was so exhausted, and wanted to finish this competition in style. In desperation, she threw a Park Ball at the flying Pokémon. It struck sweetly on the head of the Pokémon she so badly sought after, and splashed down into the calming water. It splashed down, and for one awful moment McKennel had thought that the ball would sink, losing the baby Pokémon forever. To her delight, it bobbled up from the depths of the water, and wobbled its characteristic once, twice, thrice. A small clicking sound had confirmed the capture.
    ~ I don’t mean to be harsh or anything, but this was so unnecessary that it actually took away from the story, in that it made no sense. Just having the Pokemon appear for literally one paragraph then capture it isn’t cool at all. This was the one part of the entire story that really made no sense -it was minor that’s why I didn’t mention it in plot flow above. It really felt you put this part in to capture the Pokemon for no other reason. If you are going to capture a Pokemon and you use a cameo like this one please make sure it fits with the rest of the story.


    Grammar: You had this area mostly down. I only spotted a few errors you need to look into.

    She answered these questions successfully before being told to walk outside for the beginning of the contest.
    ~ By using successfully you make it seem like there was a wrong answer to the question. By changing it truefully you get away from this problem.

    Everyone was hyped up so much that many people – including Georgia! - were getting into the sprint position.
    ~ The exclamation point is not needed and doesn’t really make sense.

    Meganium followed its instructions again. More vines protruded from a hidden spot beneath the flowery necklace of the grass-type.
    ~ Grass type should be capitalized. This is usually up to the author, but because you used it earlier with caps it has to be consistent.

    “Meganium, return!” Called Georgia.
    ~ Called should not be capitalized as it a speech verb and acting upon the dialogue.

    Besides these, you had a few spelling errors that you need to look into, a couple are in the paragraph above concerning the Yanma capture. And most take place near the end of the story like they had been rushed.

    Detail:

    You did a good job in this area, although you could have some improvement in a few areas you did a good job overall.

    Let’s start with the Pokemon description.
    Pichu looked up from the ground and saw the intimidating face of another of its distant relatives. Its long, slender tail was snaking behind it, waving to and fro. Its long, sharp ears spiked up to increase the effect of scaring the baby Pokémon. It seemed slightly annoyed that it had been hit, but when just about to release its fury on the rodent, was stopped by its male trainer.
    ~ This is for Raichu. You did a solid job here, I was able to clearly see the Pokemon in my mind, and that’s a good thing. There is always room for improvement, however; I would have liked you to mention something about the color of the Pokemon. This means the gold ochre of its skin, to the cream belly and the gold tipped cheeks. You can then take this another step further by commenting on the personality of the Pokemon; whether that be cheerful or hostile. But for a medium mon you did more than enough.

    Now to move onto character description. You did the same thing here as you did with Pokemon and I don’t wish to reiterate. Just keep doing what you have, but you can try physical body type or the facial features next time if you want.

    You also did a good enough job on the environmental aspects, your very first paragraph highlights that, so I have nothing to say on this part. I could talk about the other parts next but they would be essential the same thing, so instead let’s move on to the part where i felt you could have done more for.

    It responded positively, releasing two brown seeds from its mouth, spitting the projectiles at both Pokémon at a tremendous pace. The seeds struck the Teddiursa sweetly, and multiple vines wrapped themselves around the Pokémon with the intent to suck the life out of them gradually.
    ~ You told us what happened, but now you must show the reader. For instance, you say multiple vines but what color were they? Were they prickly? Have flowers? You don’t want to flood the reader, but you’ll want enough that they have a clear image.

    Here’s another example of what I mean:
    Meganium used Razor Leaf again to determine which was which, beginning with the one which had a golden moon. It launched the blades at two of the three holograms, and to the dismay of Georgia, they had both flown straight through the holograms and they had disappeared.
    ~ You say blades here, but blades of what? You could have said something along the lines of razor-sharp blades of leaves or something.

    Basically, I want you to do something like this for your battles:
    It was easily visible; the dark crimson fluid contrasted against the pale, chalk-green of Meganiums body.
    ~ You could have said Meganium had started to bleed, you didn’t just say that but added a good visual image. I want you to do that.

    Battle: It wasn’t the best for a few reasons, but you accomplished what you need to. You provided an interesting battle that kept my attention. The reasons you had problems with the battle section is because there was no real move variety or combos. It was more like Leech Seed and Vine Whip with nothing else. Even if it’s a short battle try and liven things up by using different moves. You could have used the Leech Seed hold the Teddiursa in place while your Pokemon used Body Slam, for example. Or one of the Teddiursa was paralyzed and Quick Feet activated. Think like they do in the anime or NP, everything is not so clear. Have fun with the battles, within limit, and do different things. To sum it up, be creative!


    Length: You have enough here.

    Overall: You have a decent enough story here for some medium mon, but if you went for something higher you would have been denied. This is because although you had decent grammar and detail, plot is still important in every story. It’s just not the overarching idea of the thing that matters, but how is it told? Through what medium is the story seen through? That’s for higher stories, but the point stands, plot is important and must be up to muster.
    . Keep in mind what I pointed out for future stories, and especially don’t capture Yanma like you did.
    League of Legends SN: ATF Crysis



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