Chapter Two: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

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  1. #1
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Chapter Two: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Pokemon being Captured: Ralts
    Suggested Length: 10,000 - 20,000
    Actual Length: 14,619
    Unusually long introduction. Huh.

    -----

    CHAPTER 1

    "Hello there, and welcome to the world of Pokemon. I'm Professor Evergreen, and it's my job to prepare you for the adventures that await just outside this lab. Please be advised that as the game is still in the early stages of testing, some features are currently disabled, or unavailable. Next to each of you on the ground, is a knapsack. Within it are items essential to gameplay- sleeping bags, tents, berries, potions, and more. You each have been given a Pokedex. This device allows you to record information on Pokemon you've seen or caught, as well as giving detailed information on moves, abilities, evolution stages, and stats of Pokemon you own. Its also equipped with a mapping device and built-in compass, so that you should never get lost, as well as a walkthrough option, providing information and directions to the next area you need to explore in order to continue your journey.

    For those of you who wish to explore the world on your own, without help, this feature is easily deactivated in the options menu, and may just as easily be reactivated should you desire to do so at any time. Your Pokedex also offers a save feature. Should you decide at any time to quit the game, simply bring up the menu, save, and then select quit. Everyone is given a unique Trainer code, and their progress and data is stored in relation to this code, allowing you to play for as long, or short as you like, without having to restart each time, since reconnecting to the game will simply 'load' your data at the place of your last save.

    The next item in your back is a teleportation device. Should the unthinkable happen, and all your Pokemon be rendered unconscious by an opponent, the teleportation device will automatically active, teleporting you and your team safely to the nearest Pokemon center where your Pokemon can be revived.

    The most important item in your back by far is your trainer belt, and the Pokeball currently attached to it. Within the Pokeball resides your Pokemon partner. While the ability to choose your starter will be possible in the future, at this point in the game's development, everyone is given a preselected Pokemon. Should you find yours unsuitable to your tastes, you may offer to trade with another trainer, should they be willing as well.

    Your Pokebelt can carry up six Pokeballs - this means you can have up to six Pokemon on your team at one time. This feature is partially disabled at the current time however, which unfortunately means that all players are limited to catching only one wild Pokemon at present. You'll each find a single empty Pokeball in your bag. This is your only chance at catching wild Pokemon, as Pokeballs are currently disabled in shops. This is to lessen the server load during the trial runs so that your game may go as smoothly as possible. Just be sure to weaken your target Pokemon first, and you shouldn't have a problem.

    While you cannot catch an abundance of Pokemon, battling them is encouraged, as is battling other trainers. The more you battle, the stronger your Pokemon becomes. In order to beat the game, you need to obtain 8 Badges from the various Gyms scattered throughout the region. You may do this independently, or team up with friends. Be warned however - The Gym Leaders are strong. It will take cunning strategy as well as strength and power to defeat them all.

    The remaining items in your bag will also benefit you in your travels. You've each been given a sleeping bag, potions, antidotes, and berries for your Pokemon, as well as a pack of food for yourselves. While everything within the game is entirely digital, the game is also designed to be as realistic as possible. Be on the lookout for dangers and keep an eye on the weather. Should you "die" at any time, your game will be 'reset' and you'll need to start anew from the beginning.

    Also, there is a new feature added to the Pokedex. You can check the progress of the other players and your own in the form of percentages. Be aware that this is a new feature and may be inaccurate and may sometimes crash. Some may not even work, so don't count on it to check on your 'rival''s progress.

    If you need additional information at any time, my program can be accessed at any PC. Again, please keep in mind that that some features are disabled, and others may not work correctly. Be careful out there, and remember to have fun." With a smile the video on the screen ended, flickering out of existence and leaving the small room filled with an awkward silence in its wake.

    Hatori opened up his Pokedex, observing the room and the people in it at the same time. Let's see... there are three players in total. It was then that Hatori realized he was the only male that was selected to be a beta tester. Damn. Would be nice to actually converse with one. He looked around the totally empty room, with plain, cream white ceilings. There was a large screen on the right where Hatori just saw a video. They were supposed to walk through any wall, and it would lead them to the game.

    Hatori mashed all the buttons on the Pokedex at random, and found that only one worked, and the 'Save' and 'Quit' button was not it. Shit. It was only the Progress Checker that worked, which displayed himself and two other names, all with a currently empty bar next to them, and a big fat '0%' on top of the bar. So their names were Lavi and Tylia? It sounded... original, at least. Wonder which is which.

    Hatori then grabbed his Pokeball. Now, how to open it? Pulling on the 'lid' didn't work. Pushing the button didn't either. Of all the things that the game designers didn't tell them... first, the feature that was 'not supposed to work well' was the only one that worked. Next, they can't open a single Pokeball. What the hell is wrong with those retarded game designers?

    Lavi combed her shiny, well-conditioned hair with her custom-tailored comb, suited to her hair needs, of course. Her black eyes stood out among the blue eyes of the other two people. Lavi stroked her precious peach hair once again, her fair fingers brushing through them. There was something on Lavi's mind. If there were no Pokeballs, surely there were no showers in this game...?

    Oh NO! Did the game designers seriously expect them to run around like dirty, half-naked monkeys?! Her expensive silk trainer suit needed to be specifically hand-cleaned gently for an hour everyday! And what about the sleeping bags in their bags? Did they... did they expect her to SLEEP OUTSIDE? NO! Sleeping outside was NOT her thing!

    Lavi nearly fainted until she realized something. Why couldn't she simply save, quit, and take a break in her exquisite mansion? After showering, having a good night's sleep and of course putting on her prized make-up, she would be up and ready to go. But then what was the sleeping bags for? Lavi stared at Hatori, his spiky green hair tied into a ponytail. His trainer suit was shabby in Lavi's standards, made of cotton and simply having a striped red-and-black designs. Her ornamental Chinese dragon was much better. It must be for dirty, savage people like him. Nasty. Lavi shuddered. She definitely didn't want to mingle with him.

    Lavi turned to see a brown-haired girl, a wide smile stretched across her face in excitement. She wore a totally pink (excluding the odd patch of white paint here and there) trainer suit and gear. She was significantly shorter and younger than the rest. Lavi made up her mind to travel with this child and educate here about etiquette to make sure she doesn't end up like the man she was eying.

    "He he!" Tylia said, grabbing the Pokeball on her belt. For all her life, it was her dream to be a Pokemon trainer. And now, she was going to be one! Okay, so it wasn't too good yet, but her mother always taught her to look on the positive side, and her bubbly personality which included innocent immaturity contributed to the inextinguishable happiness inside her. After watching the anime and following it for literally ages, Tylia knew the only way to summon out Pokemon was to press the button on the Pokeball, and then throw it to the ground. Out came a little bear. The bear yawned, rubbing the round black eyes with a cresent moon marking in the middle. Tylia squealed. Oh, oh THIS was her lucky day! Of all Pokemon, they gave her the one she liked best: Teddiursa!

    "Teddiursa!" Tylia said, grabbing the confused creature and holding it up up to get a good look. Just like a cute little plush toy! Oh, it was so cute Tylia could simply eat it up! Tylia hugged it, and multiple squeals of fear aroused from it as its breathing was oppressed.

    "I'll name you Susan!" Tylia said, her twelve year old voice becoming even more irritating than normal. The Teddiursa looked in disapproval.

    "Oh... your a boy? Than... I'll name you Captain Hugglekins!" Tylia said. The Teddiursa rolled its eyes. It would have preferred 'Susan'. It gasped as it was squished against Tylia's chest again.

    Hatori, having seen Tylia release the Teddiursa, decided against his nature to ask the little girl for help. Hatori was self-centered and liked to to think he knew more than the rest. But now he needed to ask the girl. But he didn't have the chance. Lavi went first, introducing herself to Tylia. Lavi gave Hatori a swift kick with her high-heels, and an 'Ouf' came out from Hatori's mouth as he fell. The Pokeball he was holding in his hand hit the ground, and out came a Shroomish, looking a bit dazzled by the scene.

    Tylia turned her head at Hatori, and ran over to pick him up, like what her mother always taught her to do when people fall. Instead of the 'Thank you' she expected, Hatori shooed her away irritably, a scowl on his face.

    "I can manage myself." Hatori said, and his Shroomish followed him as he stepped out of the staring point. He dissolved into the wall, and Tylia looked severely hurt. Lavi came over and patted her head.

    "Don't be sad. These kind of people are bad people. Not well brought-up. You shouldn't interact with them." Lavi said, and Tylia nodded, her Teddiursa trying to struggle away from her strong grip. Apparently, Tylia was so absorbed in the way Hatori behaved that she forgot about 'Captian Hugglekins'.

    "Hi, my name is Lavi. I think we should travel together and work together to get through this game." Lavi said, and Tylia nodded again. She introduced herself to Lavi, a bit cheered up by the invitation of the adult. Lavi was obviously nicer than Hatori, Tylia thought.

    *

    "Come on, Machine Gun." Hatori said. He had affectionately named his starter his favorite thing in all time. He owned one, but unfortunately, it didn't work. The Shroomish followed his new owner. Unlike the Teddiursa, this Shroomish was intent on helping this new person, whatever he was going to do. The Pokemon didn't know, but hopefully it was going to be fun!

    Hatori crept into the tall grass slowly. It certainly live up to its name- though up to the waist was a tad bit ridiculous. Eh. Hopefully a good Pokemon would pop up.

    Things were not living up to his expectations. First, he appeared at a town, with people saying exactly the same thing whenever he talked to them, no matter what he said. Creepy. And then, he tried to get in a PokeCenter, only to find out the 'automatic' doors didn't work and he was sealed out. Same thing with PokeMarts. Maybe that was why the game designers gave them a shitload of items to use at the start. But then what if all his pokemon fainted? Things were surely contradicting each other. Hopefully the Pokemon would be more expertly coded.

    Hatori heard a rustle of grass on his left. He turned his head to see a Ralts trying to escape from him. Ralts liked cheerful people, and Hatori definitely had no attitude or relation to that word. Hatori yelled at the Ralts to stop. A Gardevoir would be a wonderful addition to his team, and he needed the Ralts to make this want come true.

    "Machine Gun! Use... uh..." Hatori opened his Pokedex to scan his Shroomish, only to be reminded it didn't work. He groaned in displeasure, visibly annoyed.

    "Just use any move you know." Hatori said. The Shroomish didn't have much of a choice. Hatori has forgotten that at the start of the game the Pokemon could only use a limited range of moves. It was exactly level ten when Hatori received it, and so it only knew Absorb, Tackle and Stun Spore.

    The Shroomish was smart, though. It flapped up the unattached section of its orange body, revealing its gills. Strange balls shot out, burst, releasing tiny spores that circled the air fleeing Ralts, which was regretting the choice of investigating the strange noise even when it sensed negative feelings. As they say, curiosity killed the cat.

    Ralts held its breathe, but soon it turned blue. Obviously, suffocating itself was not an option, so Ralts simply breathed in a bit of air. This bit of air had thousands of microscopic stun spores. Ralts felt its muscles lock as the spore came in contact with its small lung. This was not good.

    Machine Gun and Hatori gave a small 'Yes', though Hatori heard Machine Gun's as a 'Shroom'. Hatori decided to lay back and watch his new Pokemon do the work. It seemed capable.

    Ralts concentrated all its psychic power into its small but highly intelligent brain before launching the feeble amount of telekinetic power at Machine Gun. It was sent back a few feet in surprise, but quickly got up. Machine Gun was not confused, much to Ralt's dismay, and was now performing Absorb. A pin shot from its mouth and at Ralts, penetrating the delicate white skin that loosely hung from the insides of its body. White balls of pure, unadulterated energy flew from Ralts and into Machine Gun. Ralts felt weak, helpless. The weak Confusion took a lot out of it, and now it needed to rest for a while. Its stiff body couldn't budge. It was a desperate situation.

    Machine Gun ran up and gave the Ralts a Tackle. Unfortunately, Machine Gun was not THAT smart and got the pin stuck to itself. Ralts winced as the pin stuck in deeper before it was clumsily pulled out. Glowing red blood poured out of the small pinhole. Hatori got the message, and immediately took out his Pokeball.

    "Here you go. Come on!" Hatori aimed and fired the Pokeball in the same style as a bullet leaving the barrel of a gun. It missed miserably, and Hatori scratched the back of his head absentmindedly before pulling the pin out of Machine Gun and simply dropping the ball over the paralyzed Ralts. It was a miracle of programming that allowed the Ralts to shrink and simply go into the ball, and so was the rest of the world Hatori was now in, though he tended to look at the negative side. The ball shook, and Hatori looked in anticipation.

    -----


    Story Deal for Roulette Dares.
    Last edited by Timpeni; 26th February 2011 at 04:18 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  2. #2
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chapter One: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Pokemon being Captured: Hippopotas
    Suggested Length: 20,000 - 30,000
    Actual Length: 20,312

    -----

    CHAPTER 2


    The duo walked on the slowly grittier plains. Tylia has thought Lavi to open her Pokeball, and Lavi was quite pleased with the little fox that now followed her. Just a little kitsune. The six, curled tail waved in much excitement, in contrast to the lagging Teddiursa, who was just waiting for the day it evolves into an Ursaring. Simply waiting.

    Lavi has teamed up with Tylia on the journey after Hatori beat Tylia off rudely and went on his own. They have just pinpointed their location on the map, and were headed towards a city with both the Contest Hall where Lavi was interested in going and the first Gym, where Tylia was heading.

    “Is it just me, or do I see someone in the distance?” Lavi said, opening her eyes wide, to see a guard in the distance, his blue uniform much in contrast with the white gate he was guarding. A huge hedge that never seemed to end circled an area, with the gate currently the fastest way in. Tylia nodded, before running up to the man. The hyperactive girl was far more fit then Lavi, who has spent her whole life eating ‘expensive and exotic’ foods, which mostly consisted of her chefs simply splattering up a new dish everyday with ingredients all over the world and adding a lot of nutmeg, Lavi’s favorite. Since she was home schooled by her own (very expensive to hire) professor, ‘Physical Education’ wasn’t one of Lavi’s subjects. Her love of Pokémon contest, the dream to top the leader boards for best coordinator and perhaps a hint of bribery led her here.

    “Excuse me mister, but do you know where there are lots of Pok-” Tylia was cut off by the guard speaking in a monotone voice.

    “Sand goggles need to be worn to be able to catch Pokémon in the desert.” Tylia dug into her bag (and Lavi’s, which she has generously offered to carry) to find large, to find large, orange tinted goggles labeled ‘Sand goggles’. She put them on, and found them just fitting for her large, close-set eyes. She pulled out Lavi’s and waved at the woman.

    “It’s a desert. The guard says we can catch Pokémon here!” Tylia said enthusiastically. However, Lavi was not looking forward to getting sand stuck in her shoes and ruining the specially designed leather. After all, the little grains of sand with rub against the shoes!

    “No thanks. I’ll stay out here. Be back soon!” Lavi called out, secretly hoping that Tylia would just change her mind and go somewhere more civilized for the art of capturing a new companion. However, Tylia simply bolted into the desert- with Lavi’s bag. As she ran after the girl, shouting, she was stopped by the guard.

    “Sand goggles need to be worn to be able to catch Pokémon in the desert.” The guard said again.

    “Can’t you see the girl ran off with my Sand Goggles? Surely you aren’t blind!” Lavi called out. The guard simply repeated his sentence, sending Lavi into a chain of cursing the game designers. What if Tylia was lost? Lavi would have to stay in the game overnight! Sleeping on the grass! No! That is the worst tragedy that could happen!

    Meanwhile, Tylia was having a hell of a great time. The sandstorm didn’t bother Tylia. In fact, the optimistic girl registered this as a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Knowing the effect of sandstorms on Pokémon, Teddiursa was quietly asleep in her Pokeball. The entire area lived up to its name: It was simply a huge plain of sand. There were a few Cacnea here and there which gave a nice contrast to the usual orange desert Pokémon, but otherwise, it was all just a jumble of light colors. Suddenly, Tylia noticed a grunt coming from her left.

    The first Pokémon she saw was a pink-orange Pokémon were black, beady eyes. Its jaw and head was bigger than its tiny, four-legged body.

    “What Pokémon is this? I know it, its on the tip of my tongue... gah,” Giving up, Tylia dove her hands into her bag to pull out her Pokedex. Upon the realization it wasn’t working, Tylia investigated deeper then Hatori, forgetting about the Trapinch as it slowly advanced up to her.

    “Ah! That’s it! There’s no battery! I bet they’re some in here... found it!” Tylia said, inserting the batteries triumphantly. “Now to scan the Pokémon... where did it go?”

    Trapinch’s jagged teeth entered Tylia’s leg, and she yelped, flailing her leg madly. The Trapinch let go in shock, and Tylia quickly ran, a bit of blood trailing down her ankle. Upon spotting a small sand cave, Tylia ran into it. Lying down on the cave floor, she pulled out a first aid kit. It was easy to apply the medicine and wrap it around the skin, since her mother has taught it to her in case of emergencies. Of course, the thing that really made it difficult was the pain...

    “Hippo.” Tylia turned her head, facing the deeper regions of the cave. A hippopotamus stumbled near Tylia, gaping wounds all over it. Sand markings, dark brown, light brown and just brown decorated its body to protect it in the form of camouflage. But despite this, something found it and did something horrible to it. Completely unacceptable, in fact. Tylia crawled towards the poor creature and, with much effort, sprayed it with her Max Potion- only two more were left. The wounds sealed up immediately, and the Pokémon opened its eyelids steadily.

    “Hippopotas, the Hippo Pokémon. It shuts its nostrils tight then travels through sand as if walking. They form colonies of around ten.” The Pokedex read out, before displaying in dotted form the whole list of moves it could learn. However, that wasn’t what Tylia was interested in.

    “Then why aren’t you in a group?” Tylia said affectionately to the Hippopotas. The Hippopotas licked Tylia, knowing what the girl has done. The girl giggled somewhat, before wincing again. The pain in her leg was quite unbearable. The Trapinch has sunk its teeth quite deep in.

    The Hippopotas lowered its nose, and raised Tylia up. The large nostrils contained far more than enough muscles to lift the girl and both her bags, despite the size difference. Tylia was a bit shocked by the gesture, but pleased nonetheless. The girl rubbed the Pokémon, giggling far more. Without any strain needed to put on the leg, it would heal quite quickly.

    “You’re a very cute Pokémon.” Tylia said, now turning her body left a bit, right a bit... now, Tylia’s legs and body was on Hippopotas’ small body, her head on top of Hippopotas’ eyes. Her hands held on to Hippopotas’ neck. She was a stout figure for a twelve-year-old, and her shoes didn’t even touch the floor.

    *

    “ARGH! NOT YOU!”

    Lavi yelled at Hatori, who just collided with Lavi with his new bike. Lavi’s Vulpix quickly went into defensive positions, setting fire to Hatori’s Shroomish, Machine Gun. Machine Gun ran around frantically, before rolling on the ground to extinguish the flames. The Ralts on Hatori’s head hit Vulpix with a wave of psychic power, and the fox was sent back a few feet.

    “Ralts, ra ra.” The Ralts said, clinging onto Hatori. Despite their bad start, the Ralts warmed up to Hatori and both realized the other was playful It loved Machine Gun’s clumsiness and cluelessness as well. Since Hatori found an ‘abandoned’ bike by a tree, it has grown fond of the winds battering against its face, and so it rode on Hatori’s head the majority of the time.

    Lavi got up and brushed the sand off her suit. She scowled in unison with Hatori, who just about hated Lavi right there for setting Machine Gun alight. The serene surroundings of lush green trees, the half-dried grass and the hedge surrounding the desert area was not enough to calm down the two.

    “You IDIOT! Why did you slam into me with your cheap, rusty bike?” Lavi screamed. Hatori groaned, snapping his fingers. Machine Gun sat up and fired a barrage of needles at Lavi, and she yelled. The needles couldn’t suck out her energy, and so fell to the ground, though not without leaving holes on Lavi’s side.

    “YOU... YOU BEAST! ONE ON ONE POKÉMON FIGHT. IF I WIN, YOU BETTER SUCK UP YOUR INSOLENT BEHAVIOUR AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT FOREVER!” Lavi screamed. Her Vulpix jumped into action, growling at the Ralts.

    “Hmph. Fine. I don’t suppose you can win even if I use Machine Gun against your Vulpix.”

    “...Machine Gun?”

    “My Shroomish!”

    “Fine. It’s on!”

    Machine Gun immediately confronted Vulpix with the same barrage of needles he used on Lavi. Machine Gun has gone through more training than Vulpix, and so, learned a few more vital moves. After finally figuring out that he needed to put in batteries (And mumbling about the producers not putting it in at first to avoid confusion) he was able to tap into Machine Gun’s move pool. Apart from the Mega Drain, a large improvement with a lot of needles instead of just one, Machine Gun knew a variety of moves that Hatori can now fiddle and strategize with.

    The Vulpix screamed as its energy was extracted painfully. Machine Gun laughed, the extra health making up for the damage sustained after being set on fire.

    “Vulpix! Use whatever move you used to set this inferior man’s Pokémon alight!” Vulpix dashed forward and a flash of orange-red was directed at Machine Gun. The Shroomish yelled and leaped upon his trainer, burning his clothes. Hatori quickly pushed Machine Gun away, his flames now gone at the expense of Hatori’s suit.

    “You’ll pay for that! Machine Gun, Leech Seed!” The Shroomish nodded, before a huge seed shot out from the hole of his head. Hatori loved that move, the speed the bullet-shaped seed traveled at and the effect. Hatori was just in it for anything that has any resemblance to a gun.

    The seed split, leaving a sticky mess. From this pile of fluid emerged a plant. At that moment, it wrapped itself around Vulpix, its grip tightening. The vine glowed red, and the energy from Vulpix’s body was again sapped, and Machine Gun healed yet again. Lavi was close to snapping and screaming in anger before stomping over the Shroomish, but that would mean she would give herself a barbaric image, and that would not do.

    “Vulpix! Set fire to the vines!” Vulpix nodded, before the barrage of flickering flames burned the thin vines. The flames, due to her ability Flash Fire, did not affect Vulpix herself, but the fire was not strong enough to give her a boost. The vines retreated, and Vulpix stopped to conserve energy, now triumphant. But at that moment, the vines thickened and secreted a sort of oil, and Vulpix tried to set fire to it again. The oil, unlike normal car fuel or the like, prevented the fire.

    “Hah! See how you like that! Machine Gun, finish Vulpix off with a swift Headbutt!”

    The Shroomish flung itself at Vulpix, and the fire fox was sent towards Lavi. The woman gripped the fainted Pokémon in her hands before scowling in anger.

    “You win this time... but next time... you won’t be so lucky...”

    That was when a Max Revive suddenly popped above the Vulpix. The words above it read: “Revive for 5000 Pokedollars? This option can be chosen at any time the person wishes to do so.”

    “Oh, YES!” The Max Revive was absorbed into the Vulpix’s body. The fox opened its eyes and, upon learning it has been revived, jumped up and snuggled in its owner’s arm affectionately.

    But something different was happening to Machine Gun. It wiggled steadily, before it suddenly began to glow. Machine Gun’s stout body began to be stretched, but the mushroom head was retained. Arms grew, and muscular legs at the same time. The evolution stopped, and instead of the tiny little Shroomish, a ready-built fighting machine took its place.

    “Machine Gun wants to learn Mach Punch! Let it learn Mach Punch?” The words suddenly appeared above Machine Gun’s head.

    “I guess it can replace Headbutt. With the body you have now, your claws seem more fearsome than your head.” Hatori said. Immediately, Machine Gun forgot Headbutt, the move completely erased from every trace of memory.

    “Okay, now perform Mach Punch on that bratty woman over there.”

    “Wait- WHAT?!” Lavi screamed in horror. Machine Gun sprinted forward to hit Lavi with a powerful punch, sending her and Vulpix far behind. Hatori rubbed Machine Gun on the head, praising the war machine.

    “This is a great improvement from a Shroomish. I knew you were going to evolve soon! That’s why I sent you out to fight.” Hatori said. Ralts looked at Machine Gun curiously, unsure of what this new being was. This Pokémon was giving out similar optimistic rays as Machine Gun, though, so it didn’t really matter too much.

    *

    The hustle and bustle of sound emerged from the cave. Hippopotas walked steadily, one by one, out of the cave. Without a second glance, they passed by Tylia, their focus entirely on their objective.

    “Where are they going?” Tylia asked. The Hippopotas under her grunted uneasily before heading into the cave.

    “...hm...” Tylia opened her Pokedex to try to get some data to shed light on the situation. While searching, the Progress Checker button was accidently pressed. It flickered in and out of focus before disappearing, the words ‘No light’ on the screen.

    “Looks like the Progress Checker is solar-powered or something.” Tylia said. Suddenly, the Hippopotas stopped. Tylia looked around. Other Hippopotas were in the same chamber, all with Pokémon on their backs.

    The other Hippopotas started first. They walked into the darkness of the chamber. Something was in the darkness, and it has hidden itself well in the dimly lit cave so that not even an ounce of sunlight could reach it. Tylia was already having problems looking at the Pokedex close to her and the large Hippopotas. There was no way she could see the thing hidden in the shadows.

    The Hippopotas emerged, their backs now empty. One holding nothing entered the darkness reluctantly, before being thrown across the room.

    “Is that... what happened to you?” The Hippopotas nodded solemnly before edging towards the darkness.

    Fear rose in Tylia’s body, and she pressed the buttons on the Pokedex, trying to find something useful. And that was when she accidentally pressed the ‘Torchlight’ button.

    A beam of light pierced through the darkness. A Hippowdon stared in rage at Tylia. The liquid trailing out of its mouth could only match its blood red eyes. Tylia screamed, a shrill cry so high-pitched the Hippopotas winced. But not the Hippowdon. It advanced upon Tylia, an intent of murder in its eyes. But something stopped it.

    The Hippopotas that carried Tylia to what seemed to be her imminent doom bit down into the Hippowdon’s nostrils. It would have been quite moving had Tylia not been paralyzed with fear. The large hippopotamus of sand yelled, before sending a torrent of sand down the Hippopota’s mouth. Its Sand Stream activated, sending sands from its body into the cave. Other Hippopotas suddenly charged forward, biting down furiously. The Hippowdon tried to shake them all off, but when it seemed that it was being overwhelmed, there was only one thing left for it to do.

    The ground opened, and Tylia fell in, along with all the Pokémon apart from Hippowdon, who knew where it would put its Fissure and darted away at the last moment. Any Hippopotas not yet inside the hole was too scared to rebel again.

    *

    “Ugh...”

    Tylia awoke to see herself in a chamber. The only thing that allowed her to see was the lava flowing on the left. With a scream, she darted away from the stream of pure, unadulterated heat.

    “Whoa there!” A voice said. Tylia turned around to see a huge Pokémon, yellow dots glowing on its rock head. Tylia immediately whipped out her Pokedex and scanned the Pokémon.

    “Regirock, the Rock Peak Pokémon. The same rocks that form its body is found in ground layers all over the world.” The Pokedex said.

    “If you’re wondering why I can talk, another human attached a Pokémon translator to my neck before I sent myself down into the earth again.” Regirock said. Tylia calmed down a bit due to the Pokémon’s politeness.

    “I assume someone used Fissure? It’s the only way for anyone to fall in here. I haven’t had many visitors though, so this is a nice change.” Regirock said.

    “Look...,” Tylia stammered at the legendary Pokémon, “Some... some Hippopotas are being forced to collect Pokémon for a Hippowdon to eat them. These Hippopotas... they rebelled and, as a result, were sent down here due to the Hippowdon using Fissure.”

    “What?! Pokémon slavery and cannibalism is not tolerated by me.” Regirock said, his eyes glowing red with anger. The Hippopotas began to stir, sweating profusely due to the lava near them.

    “So... so can you do something for them?” Tylia said. Regirock nodded, and Tylia heaved a sigh of relief. Suddenly, Regirock handed a huge clump of yellow to Tylia- Max Revives!

    “Revive the fainted Pokémon with them.”

    Tylia pried open and put in a Max Revive in each of the Hippopota’s mouths. The Hippopotas began to stir, sweating profusely due to the lava near them.

    “Good, the Hippopotas and beginning to wake up. Gather them round, I think I have a plan that might just work.”

    *

    The Hippowdon was giving a lecture to all the Hippopotas around him what would happen if they rebelled. Pointing to the crack in the ground, the Hippopotas shivered. Some peered down to be greeted with utter darkness, the light not reaching the end of the Fissure.

    At that moment, a Hyper Beam shot out of the Fissure, and a second Regirock and the Hippopotas emerged out of the crack, the rocks rising beneath them. Regirock’s control over the rocks enabled their escape from the fiery earth, and now they were all battle ready.

    Hippowdon was too much in awe and fear with the Regirock to really pay much attention to the rebelling troops. But it wasn’t a hard bite or a whack it would feel. Bubbles emerged from the group of rebelling Hippopotas, sending Hippowdon to a dreamy state. Others joined it the barrage of Yawns, lulling Hippowdon to sleep. As the fiery Pokémon closed its eyes, Tylia dashed forward and hit Hippowdon on the head with her Pokeball. After a few shakes, the Pokeball stopped, and the Hippowdon was captured.

    “My, the plan worked! And I didn’t have to move a muscle! Or a rock... um... never mind. Look’s like your all free, chaps.” Regirock said. The Hippopotas suddenly yelled in delight, completely overwhelmed by the feeling of freedom. Tylia smiled before the sharp pain of her leg returned.

    “Gah... I was so concentrated with the plan and battle, I forgot about my leg.” At that moment, the same Hippopotas suddenly lifted her up like before, and Tylia clung on to the Hippopotas in safety, now having no chance of being eaten.

    “You know, if I had a choice, I would have captured you instead of the Hippowdon.” Tylia said. The Hippopotas grunted, and Regirock decided to translate.

    “Oh, he says he doesn’t have to be captured to stick with you. He wants to travel with you.” Regirock said. Tylia’s eyes opened wide and hugged the Hippopotas, before Regirock surprised her with another request.

    “Well, could I, if it’s okay with you of course... travel with you too?” Regirock said. Tylia took a while to comprehend his question, but Regirock said something else. “Because... you know, down there... I’M SO LONELY...”

    “Why... um... sure.” Tylia said.

    *

    “Augh...”

    “Lavi, are you okay? You seem to have been beat up by something...”

    The brown haired girl looked over the woman as she stirred, her Vulpix nuzzling her. Lavi rubbed her eyes and her vision adjusted onto the world. The sight of a Hippopotas, Vulpix and a fairly foreign Pokémon was a bit surprising, but not too bad. It was only when Lavi sat up and realized what the ‘Fairly foreign’ Pokémon was.

    “Oh my goodness... is that Pokémon what I think it is?” Lavi gasped.

    “Well, if you mean Regirock, then I guess your assumptions are accurate. Lavi turned pale upon learning the Regirock could talk. Tylia scratched the back of her head, giggling.

    “What did you do in there?”

    “Oh, I went in to explore and capture some Pokémon.”

    Lavi shot Tylia a glare, and the girl smiled slyly.

    “Okay, maybe it’s a little bit more then that. It’s a pretty long story, though, so maybe I should explain to you while walking. According to a map here, we should be nearing a city soon.” Tylia said.

    “Ah, and... my bag?”

    “Oh, yes, it’s here.”

    “Ack! It’s all... sandy!”

    “I just ran around in a desert for a few hours. Of course it’s sandy.”

    “Eh. True.”

    The duo set path on the route ahead, to the city ahead. Neither knew the enormous surprise they would get there. As the sun set steadily on the horizon, the duo and their Pokémon walked across the new region not yet named...

    -----
    Last edited by Timpeni; 26th February 2011 at 04:22 AM.
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chapter One: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    I was claaaaimin' when I met you, now I'm claaaimin' to forget you....

    (Chapter 1 claimed. On a side note, I should make a prize for people who guess enough of my references.)
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chapter One: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Intro: Cool intro. It pretty much mirrors the intros of the games and since this is supposed to be a standard Pokemon game in virtual reality, that works out. So that covers setting the tone for the rest of the story. It's also kinda thought provoking. I've put a little bit of thought into how Pokemon would work in virtual reality so this was especially interesting. I'm sure most readers would be interested in how it would work, so you pull them right in. Good job.

    Plot: Back to the virtual reality aspect. You seem to make it almost exactly like the game, which is an interesting choice, but it works well. I also like how you made the main characters beta testers, so we can see all the flawed programming and things going wrong. Your characters are pretty interesting to. They seem to be caricatures of certain stereotypes. (For example, Lavi is a stereotypical spoiled rich girl.) This can be played well for comedy, so you might want to go with that angle. The only thing that troubles me is you haven't put much description into the region. Seriously, WHERE ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE? ESPECIALLY if it's an unknown region, you need to tell us what it looks like, but that's covered more in detail.

    Dialogue: There's not a ton of dialogue and what you have isn't super good or super bad, so meh.

    Grammar:

    Hello there, and welcome to the world of Pokemon.
    No comma here.

    I'm Professor Evergreen, and it's my job to prepare you for the adventures that await just outside this lab.
    Same as above.

    the teleportation device will automatically active
    'Active' should be 'activate'.

    The most important item in your back by far is your trainer belt, and the Pokeball currently attached to it.
    No comma.

    This feature is partially disabled at the current time however, which unfortunately means that all players are limited to catching only one wild Pokemon at present.
    You need a comma before 'however', as well as after it.

    Just be sure to weaken your target Pokemon first, and you shouldn't have a problem.
    Another place you don't need a comma.

    With a smile the video on the screen ended
    Comma after 'smile'.

    He looked around the totally empty room, with plain, cream white ceilings.
    No comma after 'room'.

    You seem to mostly need some work with your commas. My advice is to either do a lot of reading and pay close attention to how writers organize their sentences or try reading your story out loud and putting commas where there are pauses in the sentence.

    Detail: You did pretty well describing the Pokemon, the moves they used, and your human characters, but there's NOTHING ABOUT THE PLACE THEY'RE TRAVELING THROUGH. This is virtual reality, there could be ANYTHING. THERE COULD BE FLOATING CRYSTAL MOUNTAINS OR WHATEVER THE HELL THOSE THINGS IN AVATAR WERE! YOU COULD HAVE WATERFALLS MADE OF FIRE! AMAZING THINGS COULD BE AROUND EVERY BEND! If not that, there could be at least kinda cool things around every bend. What's your region's name, what does it look like, what kind of Pokemon live there? TELL MEH!

    Length: You have 14.6 k and you needed 10k, so you're fine.

    Reality: Nothing terribly unrealistic. Seeing as it's virtual reality it's probably MORE realistic than 99.9% of Pokemon stories, so yeah.

    Personal Feelings: I think you're a very good writer and your creativity is one of the traits in your writing that stands out most. You should continue to indulge that trait. You need some work on your detail and grammar, but I have a feeling you can overcome that. If you ever need help with either, feel free to IM me, too. ^^

    Outcome: Ralts....captured.

    Have fun with it!


    I speak four languages, help me practice please
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    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  5. #5
    Perpetually Moneyless Timpeni's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chapter One: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Chapter 2 doooone
    URPG Stats
    Rangering: Closed currently
    Story Deals: Closed for now (Open to bribes)

    P.S. My story deal load is a lot, so if you bribe me now you have to wait pretty long.

  6. #6
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chapter Two: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Chapter 2 claimed.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
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    我正在学中文

  7. #7
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Chapter Two: I Didn't Sign Up For This (Ready for Grading)- Comments Welcome

    Intro/Plot/Characters: There wasn't much of a chapter specific intro, it was just a continuation of the last chapter, which wouldn't necessarily be such a bad thing, except that the chapters themselves don't feel that related. They're like separate stories about things that happen in this virtual land, rather than continuations of one over arcing plot. Especially because your story is so far from the traditional journey story, you need some sort of explanation or summary of what's happened so far, preferably something that's interesting and can grab the reader's attention.

    As for the plot itself, as I mentioned in my previous grade, it's definitely creative and I find the idea of a virtual Pokemon world very interesting and think you could do a lot with it. Unfortunately, this chapter was just the plot of a normal 'new trainer' story with a bit of a twist. They just walk around, look for Pokemon, have Pokemon battles. There's nothing particularly wrong with that, but you have a lot to work with. What would happen if there was a virus in the program? Would they be trapped in there? There's a lot of unique ideas that are possible with the setting, and you don't really explore any, other than the Pokedex being a POS. I dunno. It just felt kind of unfinished to me, especially for a Hard Pokemon.

    The characters themselves are cartoon-y, which worked out alright here. They were all stereotypes to some degree, and the Pokemon were just cute animal companions, similar to how things work in the anime. Tylia is the spunky, helpful friend, Lavi is the snobby rich girl, and Hatori is the quiet background guy. These are all well established characters, and you don't do anything new with them, but they all make sense and don't really go out of character, so that's a plus. They make sense in the context they're in and while Lavi gets on my nerves, that's no fault with your writing. In fact, she's probably supposed to. :b

    Detail: This is something I talked about in my previous grade that you really didn't address. There's some description of the Pokemon and moves, which is cool, but nothing is really devoted to the landscape or the continent they're exploring. This isn't any location mentioned in the games or anime, so I have absolutely no idea what it looks like. Therefore, as the author, you have to tell me and really, it can be anything you can imagine. Shit, if you want to, they can be on floating crystals in the sky or in a deserted apocalyptic wasteland. The possibilities are limitless, which is part of what makes writing fun, but without any description, I can't even begin to visualize where the characters are. You DO mention they're in a desert with a few Cacnea wandering around, but beyond that... nothing.

    One other thing you can consider is how the characters feel about the situation they're in. Are they scared, nervous, surprised at how realistic the game is, or homesick? Some combination of those? The emotions of the characters is a kind of description in itself and they seem to get left in the dust. May I suggest, that since your characters seem to be caricatures, they have very simple emotions? You don't really see Bugs Bunny running around with some weird mixture of relief and guilt or whatever kind of complex feelings real people have. It's entirely up to you, but still something you can consider. ;D

    Grammar:

    Tylia has thought Lavi to open her Pokeball,
    Should be 'taught'.

    A huge hedge that never seemed to end circled an area, with the gate currently the fastest way in.
    You don't need a comma there.

    “Excuse me mister, but do you know where there are lots of Pok-”
    Comma after 'me'.

    There's more than this, but most of them seem to be typos or problems with your English, which is kind of forgivable, since it isn't your first language. Still, you should try to figure out a way to check things. Maybe have someone read over your writing for you if you can find someone willing to. :X

    Length: At 20312, you're just barely over the character limit, and since your grammar is kind of bad and your plot/detail are simple, it hurts your story. :/

    Outcome: Hippopotas... not captured.

    This chapter really isn't an improvement on the last one, it's just longer. To get a Hard Pokemon out of this, go back and add detail, figure out a way to fix all your grammar, and maybe add a few scenes to help out the length. When you're done, IM/PM/VM me and I'll take a look at it.
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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