The Cave

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Thread: The Cave

  1. #1
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default The Cave

    This is my 1500th post, and what better way to denote it than with a crappy story? This is not for any contests or anything.

    Goal: Minccino
    Category: Medium
    Recommended Characters: 10K-20K characters
    Actually: Exactly 10000 characters.
    -----------------------------

    One bright summer day, a dark, mysterious, and sinister cave had suddenly and quickly sprung up out of nowhere in the region of Unova. No one knew where it came from, or even when it came into being. Few knew it existed. And yet, everyone knew to avoid it just by looking at it. Well, almost everyone. There were the crazy ones, who would go into it, thinking that they wouldn't die despite the "obvious" signs that they would indeed meet their demise. What those signs were, no one really knew. Even with that, the fact that of all the people to ever enter the cave at any point in its short existence, none of them were ever seen again probably could constitute as some pretty substantial evidence to never enter the cave.

    Of course, there were still the ones who very well knew the risks and that they would very likely die, but simply did not care. They were the ones who were looking to gain some sort of advantage from entering the cave. That was the category in which Berke found himself, as he was looking for a big story to cover, and a cave where people mysteriously disappeared fit into that category perfectly, perhaps even too well.

    Berke had never even sniffed anything that could come close to an interesting topic for covering in his documentaries, and he was sick of it. Working for over ten years in the field of films without any hits meant that this was the thirty year old's last chance at scraping together even a modestly successful career.

    This was also to be his first solo assignment, as his cameraman had refused to even come within a mile of a cave where no living human being had successfully ventured through. In addition, his other usual partner, a Gurdurr, had also been too frightened to enter.

    The fact that even his own Gurdurr, which traditionally would not hesitate before going into any shady locations, would not enter made the mystery even bigger for Berke. It actually increased his desire to explore the cave, rather than discouraging him as it should have.

    To prepare for the journey, Berke had stopped by the store in the nearby city to stock up on supplies for spelunking. When he told the people at the store what he was planning on doing, people thought he was either insane or bluffing. They looked at the 30 year old and did not believe that he could accomplish what others couldn't.

    This was not helped by the fact that others who attempted and disappeared were people who were considered some of the best hikers in the world, while Berke did not look at all like a top-notch hiker. He was severely out of shape from not exercising in his vigorous attempt to find an interesting story, and simply did not look like he had ever even attempted to enter a cave before.

    This lack of belief in him agitated Berke. He was now even more determined to finish the documentary just so he could show them that he could do it. In fact, he would show Gurdurr and his camerman what they were missing out on too, just to see their reaction to his success. Not only those people and those two, all of Unova would see. No, all of the world would see and instantly know that this Berke guy is not a failure.

    The forest in which the woods were located looked very tranquil. It was almost impossible to believe that this forest was the location of any heavily dangerous cave without seeing where the cave actually was first. The path to go through the forest to the cave was made of stone. It was very short as well, consisting of very little turns and having no forks to potentially direct a traveler to another place by accident. Berke quickly traveled through the forest until he saw the area begin to darken considerably and the sky looked as if it would begin to rain at any time.

    Here he was, standing in front of the cave. He was about to go inside, when he noticed something come in front of him. It was a small, furry, gray creature, with a long, bushy tail. "Min-minccino!" exclaimed the creature, seemingly overjoyed to see Berke.

    "Well what do we have here!?" exclaimed Burke, "A Minccino!" The Minccino looked as if it were waiting for someone, and it immediately gained interest in Berke when he had appeared.

    "Do you want to come into this here cave with me, Minccino?" Berke asked, unsure of why he even did so. Even so, the Minccino nodded, obviously just as crazy as the man inviting it to come with him.

    Berke was relieved when it did nod, as he now did not have to be alone when facing what could be the biggest accomplishment in his entire life. If he had done it alone, it was likely no one would have believed him, but everyone trusted a Minccino. It just looked far too harmless for anyone to disagree with what it communicated.

    The two entered the cave, trekking through the darkness while Berke began recording film for his documentary. However, Berke eventually stopped, causing the Miccino to stop as well. After an hour of exploring the cave, the only thing that greeted the two was the darkness beyond Berke's candles.

    It was frustrating, thinking that he had finally landed his first big break in his career, but instead having it show up to be a huge dud. He was about to turn back, when he heard a weird sound emanate through the cave. It sounded like it was a voice which belonged to what could be a very intriguing creature. 'This could be what is causing the disappearances' Berke thought, his interest in the cave rekindled.

    Their trek continued, now at double pace as Berke salivated at the chance to get interesting footage. The level of desperation that Berke had reached was unreal, even if this was his last chance.

    For each step Berke and the Minccino took, the growling got louder and louder. Finally, he saw it, and immediately wished that he hadn't.

    The area had an interesting design. There was a huge crater in the center, with a very big drop off. In the center of the crater was the source of the growling that essentially hypnotized Berke into approaching the area.

    The source of the growling was a monster. The head of the monster looked almost exactly like ice, while the wings also looked frozen over. The parts that didn't look like ice were all gray. It had a long neck stretching from the middle of its body. Short stubby arms stretched from it, and it still looked scary in spite of them.

    The monster cocked its head in the direction of Berke, and roared at a sound much, much louder than the others. Berke immediately dropped his camera and began to run, while the Minccino stayed back, not afraid of the monster that seemed bent on murdering any humans in the vicinity and not exactly willing to help Berke escape either. Instead, it just looked at the camera Berke had left behind and began to walk toward it, interested in this device that could record the past.

    The monster immediately jumped out of the pit and chased after Berke. Despite all of his best efforts, Berke could not escape the monster, and with only one attempt to eat him, the monster swallowed Berke whole and slowly returned to its place, in the middle of the pit, waiting for the next one stupid enough to travel into the cave.

    The creature noticed the way Berke carried himself. The idiot thought that he would get through easily without any troubles. He was just like the others, so caught up in their confidence that they never realized what was missing from the creature. It knew that one day someone who wasn't stupid traveled in and would instill truth and ideals into it. After all, it wasn't a monster, it was only misguided. Hopefully that would come sooner rather than later; such a person who would do so would be a great role model for the rest of them. The creature started to choke a bit, then spit out the bones of Berke into the pile where the rest of them stayed, waiting with the creature for the next one to join their pile.

    Meanwhile, the Minccino was busy cleaning off the camera that was left on the ground. It noticed that the camera was still recording, and hit the stop button to end it before it used up all the available space. Then, it picked up the camera, put the camera on its back, and scurried out of the cave, eager to see the outside world again and already bored with the situation.

    As the Minccino exited the cave, another person was about to go in. This person looked much younger than Berke did (20 perhaps), and instead of having short brown hair and brown eyes like Berke, had black hair and green eyes, a combination the Minccino had never seen before. He was about 2 inches shorter than Berke was, and looked slightly thinner as well.

    The trainer saw the Minccino and approached it. "Wow, a Minccino!" he exclaimed, amazed at how such a harmless little thing could come out of such a cave that was obviously dangerous. He was thinking of entering himself, but when he saw the cave, he knew there was no way that he could enter a place where there was likely zero chance of survival.

    On the back of the small Minccino was what appeared to be a camera. Its lens was slightly cracked, but it looked like it was still able to function. The Minccino took the camera off its back and offered it to the trainer, who did not hesitate to accept a gift from such a cute little Pokémon. After all, what is the worst thing that could happen? Minccino were known to be exceptional clean freaks, and they would never think of attempting to harm any person. In addition, it'd be rude to accept such a gift.

    Once he took the camera, the Minccino rushed away, probably to go eat or just go back to where it really lived. As quickly as it had appeared, it had disappeared through the trees in the woods.

    "Did someone actually decide to go in there after seeing what this place looks like? Wow, they'd have to be insane on a whole new level to even think about going into this place once they saw the outside of it, much less actually decide to go into it", he muttered while he turned to check out some of the videos on the camera that the Minccino had so kindly decided to gift to him.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

  2. #2
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Cave

    Claiming.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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  3. #3
    Apple juice tastes good CrazyLilChicken's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Cave

    So, here is your grade. I usually work faster, but I had some things to do. Anyway, it's done now. Enjoy.

    Introduction~

    So, not bad, not bad at all. You've established why Berke came to the cave and where said cave is. The problem is, we don't have a 'what' to go with our 'why' and 'where', but that adds to the mystery of your story. Even though you have that mystery element with your story, you do nothing with it. I'm kinda sad about that because your story was so intriguing. Anyway, there is a lot of potential in your story, and there are a thousand things you can build it into. Anyway, you've given us a (semi) clear view of Berke. We think middle aged reporter/documentary guy, and that's what you've made him out to be, albeit a slightly scorned one. Your introduction was very good. it drew me in and made me want to read more. Congrats. That is very good.

    Plot~

    Huh, not much going on here. It's very simple; kill the guy, get the Pokemon. Simple and clean, clean meaning no holes. Although, the monster in the cave is very interesting. It was like nothing I had ever encountered in a story, and that made me want to find out more about it. This story is very good but it's very predictable. From the very beginning, you've told the reader what is going to happen. There is no slight chance that Berke will get out, just that death is soon. You did manage to put some of the mystery back into it by making the Minccino pick up the camera and give it to the other trainer, so well done.

    Description~

    Nice job, very neat. Though some parts left a bit to be desired, I could see everything in my mind. I'm going to dawdle a bit here because description makes a story. There are no pictures when writing, just the ones in your mind. So, you have to be careful when writing so that everything is clear to the reader since they are not you, and have no idea what everything looks like. If you're planning to write more in the future, you should give the detail more attention as you go up in the ranks. Since Minccino is only a Medium ranking Pokemon, that extreme attention to detail is not needed, though it is appreciated.

    Grammar~

    Like all other parts before, this is very clean. I want to mention your spacing. It's very good because the reader can tell which sentence they are on without breaking their concentration on the story to try and remember where they were. It's a bit unusual, they way you have it spaced, but it works. The numbers that are mixed in with your story are a bit distracting, though. Might want to remedy that, my friend.

    length~

    You are a bit over 10k so you're clear. Though the character amount is more of a guideline, trying to stick as close to it as possible is great because you are setting a line for your goal. The best story is not the longest story, though, so keep that in mind.

    Outcome~

    This was a short grade. Very short. In fact, the shortest I've ever written. I probably shouldn't even get paid for this. Anyway, your story was good, there weren't many problems that jumped out at me. I did love your story and wish it was a bit longer because I wanted to read more of it, despite that little altercation with Berke and the monster being so dull. There's nothing left to do but say Minccino captured! Hooray! Throw a party, and take your new Pokemon with you.
    Many thanks to Blue Dragon for this amazing signature.


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