The Caterpie Who Was A Badass
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    The People's Champion Roulette's Avatar
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    Default The Caterpie Who Was A Badass

    The Caterpie Who Was A Badass
    by Roulette

    Once upon a time, there was a man named Russell Jimmies. Ever since he was a kid he got made fun of for two things. One, his name was fucking ridiculous, and two, his only Pokemon was a Caterpie. As a result, he got really good at fighting (as in punching people in their stupid faces, not Pokemon battling, since Caterpie was a little shit).

    People would come up to him all the time and say, "HEY, RUSSELL JIMMIES, NICE CATERPIE", and he'd fuck their face up. His Caterpie felt pretty bad about it, since it was usually him who he was fighting over. He was too weak and tiny to fight back, so he had to watch Russell beat dudes off all the time, and sometimes take a beating himself.

    Russell would've caught more Pokemon, but since his only one was so weak, he had a hard time with the whole thing. Finally he just gave up and focused more on training himself for the inevitable fights he would get in.

    One day, Russell and Caterpie were walking home from the local titty bar, The Winking Jynx, when they heard the familiar insult.

    "Hey, chump, that's a cute little Caterpie you've got there. What kid did you have to shove in the mud to get it?" called a gruff, deep voice from behind them.

    Russell cracked his knuckles and neck, then turned around to see his next victim. Caterpie, who was sitting atop his shoulder also turned around to get a glimpse of the man who was about to get his shit wrecked. They were surprised to see a man standing there who was no less than six and a half feet tall. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt so that everyone could see his bulging biceps, and had a handlebar mustache which always indicates toughness. Russell was taken aback by the man's appearance, and wondered if he should sit this one out or not.

    "I don't want any trouble, pal," said Russell. He ran his hand through his greased back hair, trying to look tough and maybe scare the douchebag off.

    "Well you've got it, prepare your anus," said the behemoth.

    He pulled out a crowbar from somewhere (as most badass street fighters have one on them at all times) and took a swing at Russell. Caterpie jumped off of his shoulder and scurried into some bushes to watch the throw down. Russell was a bit faster than his opponent, but there was no doubt he was a hardened veteran of the art of badassery. Russell dodged here and there, but was never able to get close enough to land a hit. This went on for awhile, but eventually he started getting tired.

    "YOU CAN'T DO THIS FOREVER," he screamed.

    Russell knew he was right. He decided that if he didn't start throwing punches now, he'd get his world rocked, so he went in for the strike.

    Big mistake.

    The big fucker predicted it and managed to land a crushing blow right to the temple with the heavy crowbar. Once Russell was on the ground, he continued to pummel him, breaking ribs and arms and whatever else would crack. After he was done with Russell, he walked over to where Caterpie was hiding. He picked him up, tossed him in the air, and then swung at him like a baseball bat with his crowbar. The tiny Pokemon went sailing off into the distance as Russell lay broken and thoroughly fucked up in the street.

    ***

    He woke up in a hospital bed, wrapped head to toe in bandages. His arms were in casts and he could feel that he was missing several teeth. He looked over to his bedside to see a wad of bandage, not sure what was in it. He hoped it wasn't some body part they were going to have to reattach. Russell leaned over and buzzed the nurse to come in.

    To his surprise, a doctor walked into the room and pulled up a chair. He looked Russell over before speaking.

    "That was quite a doozy, son. What in God's name were you thinking fighting a man like that?" asked the doctor.

    "Mffvufhufh", said Russell, his face wrapped up in bandages.

    "Well, that may be, but I advise you to be more careful next time. You should be ready to go home in a week or so. Also, we patched up your Caterpie there, he's all wrapped up on the bedside table."

    The doctor strolled out of the room, leaving Russell there to think about what was going on. He decided to dial up the amount of morphine that was in his IV so that he could have some awesome dreams, and finally fell asleep.

    ***

    Russell woke up to a strange noise. He looked over to the table and saw that the little wad of bandages that contained Caterpie was shaking and glowing. His eyes were wide and he had no fucking clue what was happening. To a man high off his ass on morphine, this was quite an experience.

    The ball rocked back and forth until finally, it burst open, illuminating the entire hospital room and nearly making Russell shit himself. His muffled cries were drowned out by his own pulse and he couldn't even put a string of thoughts together.

    Finally, the lights died down a bit. Russell's heart rate calmed as he watched an amazing thing happen. Out of the shredded bandages came a magnificent Butterfree. Apparently it had skipped the Metapod stage because that's just how badass it was. It was a lot bigger than most Butterfree, at least twice as big as a normal one. Russell looked in awe at it. It had muscles and glorious wings. It had glorious muscles on its wings. It gently floated across the room and landed softly on Russell's bed. Russell tried to communicate with it, but the bandages over his mouth prevented it.

    Then, something incredible happened. The Butterfree hovered above Russell and then latched onto him with it's powerful hands, its muscles bulging as he lifted him up. The Butterfree effortlessly carried Russell out the open window and into the cool night.

    As they soared higher and higher, Russell looked down at the city below him. The lights looked faraway and were twinkling. He noticed that a beautiful trail of dust from Butterfree's muscly wings followed them wherever they went.

    "MUFAVHFH!" shouted Russell, never feeling more alive than he did now.

    While Butterfree took him on the most fantastic tour he had ever been on, he thought about the memories he had shared with him. As a Caterpie, he had watched Russell beat up douchebags for years, and now he was finally able to repay him. The cool air soothed the wounds all over Russell's body. As they spiraled into the sky, Russell was the happiest man alive. He didn't even care how gay they looked.

  2. #2
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Caterpie Who Was A Badass

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Caterpie Who Was A Badass

    @Roulette

    Today I will be grading this story in the voice of Ms. Lanker, the art critic:



    Before I begin grading this, I have to say, you brilliant, brilliant human being, that this is the greatest thing I have ever read. Orwell, Joyce, even Homer himself should bow at your feet and make sweet love to the ground you walk on. I will now continue.

    Intro/Plot/Characters:

    Your intro is thus:
    Once upon a time, there was a man named Russell Jimmies. Ever since he was a kid he got made fun of for two things. One, his name was fucking ridiculous, and two, his only Pokemon was a Caterpie. As a result, he got really good at fighting (as in punching people in their stupid faces, not Pokemon battling, since Caterpie was a little shit).
    You start off beautifully. The ever familiar 'once upon a time' is used with dripping irony that fully embodies the spirit of your work. The background information we receive on your character is downright chilling. A bullied child, Mr. Jimmies grows up cold and a frightfully good fighter. He even insults his dear Caterpie. I would compare the themes of the introduction to this piece by Georgie O'Keefe:



    The feminine beauty of this painting is like that found in your character. He is an easy target for bullying because his true internet gender is female and while he is not consciously aware of this, it is projected to the other boys who tease him mercifully. But he does not wither, no, instead he grows into a strong, beautiful flower.

    People would come up to him all the time and say, "HEY, RUSSELL JIMMIES, NICE CATERPIE", and he'd fuck their face up. His Caterpie felt pretty bad about it, since it was usually him who he was fighting over. He was too weak and tiny to fight back, so he had to watch Russell beat dudes off all the time, and sometimes take a beating himself.
    Chilling, absolutely chilling. Little Russell is obviously on the road to becoming a psychopath due to his gender confusion, much like the character of Buffalo Bill from Harris' The Silence of the Lambs.

    As for the main plot itself, it resonates with the themes of Huxley's Point Counter Point, what Wikipedia describes as, "...The story is constructed after the fashion of a work of music. Instead of a single central plot, there are a number of interlinked storylines and recurring themes." Just as the themes in one of Huxley's greatest and most timeless novels is centered around a cleverly constructed plot of interlocking, seemingly random events, so is your story.

    As the plot progresses, life becomes harder for young Russel and his Caterpie:

    One day, Russell and Caterpie were walking home from the local titty bar, The Winking Jynx, when they heard the familiar insult.

    "Hey, chump, that's a cute little Caterpie you've got there. What kid did you have to shove in the mud to get it?" called a gruff, deep voice from behind them.

    Russell cracked his knuckles and neck, then turned around to see his next victim. Caterpie, who was sitting atop his shoulder also turned around to get a glimpse of the man who was about to get his shit wrecked. They were surprised to see a man standing there who was no less than six and a half feet tall. He was wearing a sleeveless shirt so that everyone could see his bulging biceps, and had a handlebar mustache which always indicates toughness. Russell was taken aback by the man's appearance, and wondered if he should sit this one out or not.
    When Russell becomes bullied by another boy, the first thing he notices about him is his gorgeous mustache and large, glistening biceps. This is when, I, as the reader, realize, "My God, this poor child. Both his true gender and sexuality have remained hidden from him for who knows how long?" If I were to analyze this further, I would come up with this:



    After his encounter with this boy, which lands Russell in the hospital, something incredible happens (as you so eloquently point out).

    Then, something incredible happened. The Butterfree hovered above Russell and then latched onto him with it's powerful hands, its muscles bulging as he lifted him up. The Butterfree effortlessly carried Russell out the open window and into the cool night.

    As they soared higher and higher, Russell looked down at the city below him. The lights looked faraway and were twinkling. He noticed that a beautiful trail of dust from Butterfree's muscly wings followed them wherever they went.
    Russell's Caterpie "evolves" into its "strongest form", a "beautiful butterfly". Obviously, this represents Russel's desire to become a strong and beautiful woman who would be able to fly away from her troubles and save herself.

    As a Caterpie, he had watched Russell beat up douchebags for years, and now he was finally able to repay him. The cool air soothed the wounds all over Russell's body. As they spiraled into the sky, Russell was the happiest man alive. He didn't even care how gay they looked.
    At the very end, Russell comes to term with his sexuality and inner gender. He is ecstatic with his new life and no longer cares about what other people think of him. This can be illustrated by the following painting from Andy Warhol:



    Note that, just like in the story, the Pokemon is constantly changing itself, trying to achieve happiness, before in the end, it settles on a form it is comfortable with. Just like Russel.

    The only criticisms I could find with this work were the following: The reasoning for the Butterfree skipping the Metapod stage was rather flawed and did not give me an idea of how exactly it did this. Also, you mention that Russell becomes very strong, yet he is still beaten by the other boy. These small inconsistencies mar your otherwise perfect work.

    Grammar: Your grammar is flawless. I applaud you, sir.

    Detail: Your detail was magnificent and effortlessly illustrated the points you were trying to make in your story. I give it a Picasso out of ten.

    One thing I would work on adding, though, is more detail about the Pokemon themselves. Some of the less talented peasants would not necessarily know much about what the Pokemon look like, and so it is up to you to paint these ignorant buffoons a picture.

    Length: Your length is more than adequate.

    Outcome: Caterpie most definitely captured! I urge you to take your talent and set it on more difficult prizes, for I believe in you, and you can achieve anything.


    (Artist's interpretation of a Caterpie)
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    The People's Champion Roulette's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Caterpie Who Was A Badass

    Meh, this was a political satire but ok.

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