Thread: Caterpie Rivalry (Graded)

My first story, starting small xD

Caterpie Rivalry

Target Pokemon: 2x Caterpie
Difficulty: Easiest
Target Length: 6k - 10k characters
Final Length: roughly 13.6k

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Introduction

Most people are familiar with the larger cities, like Viridian, Slateport, and Hearthome. They're used to the public amenities, like the public transport and the shopping, but especially the Pokemon Centers. Pretty much every town on the map in every region has a Pokemon Center. However, out in more rural areas, these resources are not readily available. One such town, Enkra Town, is more than one hundred and fifty kilometres from the nearest PokeMart, and houses the only Pokemon Center for ninety. Furthermore, this Pokemon Center is privately owned and always strained. This town is where I find myself.

Hi, my name is Jathan Einherjar. I'm 17 years old and I'm a Pokemon Trainer.
I guess.
Fact of the matter is, I'm not really able to be the best I can be right now. Remote location is a massive roadblock on the road of ambition.

When I was 14, and exploring in the nearby forest, I found a lonely Ralts whom I befriended. It wasn't until seven months later that an exploring Trainer passed through Enkra and I was able to barter some of his spare PokeBalls off of him and finally properly catch Ralts.

But this story isn't about my Ralts. It's about two Caterpie I encountered and their story of rivalry and how I got mixed up in it.

Chapter One

I was wandering through the forest before school, like usual. Ralts was Teleporting from tree to tree, just enjoying the day, as I was. The green monarchs of the forest took on a slight orange overtone thanks to the sunrise. I could smell the ripe, almost pungent smell that all sub-tropical forests have.

Suddenly, Ralts gave off a quiet, short chirrup, which was our unofficial "shut up and get over here" signal. Ralts was under a bush to my left. Stifling a groan, I crawled under the bush, alongside Ralts. I could feel the wet seeping through my jacket and shirt, but this was soon ignored because I had seen what Ralts had seen.

Caterpie wrestling. Extreme Catepie wrestling. This was not Pokemon battling, the graceful exchange of carefully cultivated movesets. Caterpie have only three common moves to rely on, and these three moves were utilised continually and endlessly in extremely close combat. Tackle attacks were more like mini-Headbutts, and both fighters were both covered in so much String Shot goop that Bug Bite was completely ineffective. The violence of the fight was almost ludicrous, as both fighters were tiny green caterpillar-like worms.

Ralts and I watched for ten minutes, entranced by the ferocity of the duel, but also extremely impressed by the fortitude both Caterpie displayed. As the sun rose slowly higher, however, one Caterpie was noticeably winning. Finally, it threw it's rival with amazing strength into a tree almost two metres away. The loser hit the tree with a splat because of all the goop, and it slowly sank to the ground. The other Caterpie turned, shook most of the goop off, and trundled off into a bush.

Ralts keened quietly, then turned to leave. He pulled on my shirt, indicating that it was time for us to leave so I could get ready for school. I resisted the pull. The losing Caterpie hadn't moved. I carefully left the bush, and approached the Caterpie. It still didn't move. I could see tiny, fluttering movements along the length of it's body, but the seeming lack of conciousness worried me.

I reached out and poked it. There was no reaction. I reached out and picked it up like I would a puppy, one hand on it's back and the other underneath it. The goop covered my hands, making them feel sticky. Still nothing. This was bad. A Wild would savage me for this, or at least break free and escape. But the Caterpie just lay there, barely quivering.

"Ralts, we've got to do something," I said. Ralts cheeped dubiously, but he watched in silence as I cradled the Caterpie against my chest and ran out of the forest. A small part of my mind cringed at the realisation that washing this shirt was not going to be pleasant.

Chapter Two

I ran down the main street of Enkra Town. All the houses were unique, built and tended to by the men of the families. Only about half of the houses had electricity, and it was only about a month ago since the last house finished installing their indoor plumbing.

God, I hate living in the sticks.

I approached the Pokemon Center. It looked roughly like the one in Floaroma Town, and I assume that is the generic model. Anyway, I entered the wooden building and ran up to the desk. I hoped that Nurse Fulton, the lady in charge, wasn't busy. She was of medium height and had average length brown hair, which she kept straight by wearing a barette. I rang the bell and almost immediately Nurse Fulton came out from the back, looking stressed and with half of her hair wrestling it's way out of her barette.

"Oh, what now?" she exclaimed, seeing the Caterpie.
"What did you do to get it like this?" she asked me. "Ask it to take on a bloodthirsty Metapod?"

"No!" I exclaimed. "I saw it fighting with another Caterpie out in the woods."

Nurse Fulton sighed. "Oh, I've dealings with those two before. They've been fighting like this for a few years now. Now that you've caught one, it's one less worry for me."

I coughed. "Actually, I haven't caught it. I brought it in because it looked hurt."

The nurse's face fell. "Sorry, honey, but unless that Caterpie belongs to you, I can't help you. I'm too full up right now."

I tried to argue, but she cut me off. "They've been fighting like this for a while now. Just take it back and it'll be fine. Now leave and I won't tell your mother that you were late for school."

She pointed at the door. Sullenly, I left, still clutching the Caterpie. I instincively knew that dumping the Caterpie was a bad idea. Then, I got a good one. I circled around to the back door.

"Ralts, go inside and keep an eye on Nurse Fulton. Break something unimportant if she comes near the back room. Ralts quipped in assent and emitted a thin white flash as he Teleported inside.

I placed my ear against the door, and I couldn't hear any movement. I slowly opened the door, and unless Nurse Fulton was hiding under a table, she wasn't here.

I crossed the room, past sinks, refridgerators, and an operation table to the far wall where a large, bread-box like machine with plastic walls contained a bandaged Turtwig. I shrugged. The Turtwig was sleeping, and it didn't look like it was in immediate danger. The leaf on its' head was green and shiny, and I couldn't see any bruises on its' small brown-and-green body.

I carefully lifted out of the machine the tray which bore the Turtwig, and I placed it on a nearby gurney. I then put the Caterpie in the machine and closed the lid.

Nothing noticeable happened. The Caterpie was still subject to those tremors, and it was now a very pale green.

Then, I heard something smash. It sounded like one of the televisions in the Trainer's Lounge. I also heard Nurse Fulton curse and footsteps rapping erratically on the floor as she went to investigate. I, too, cursed as I realized my time was running out. I reached around to the side of the machine and turned a knob marked 'Power'.

Suddenly a loud whirring began to emanate from the machine. This ws accompanied by the sound of the refridgerators giving out and a curious strobing effect as the lights flickered on and off. Caterpie's machine continued to whirr, and Caterpie began to regain it's healthy green colour. It stirred, and partially sat up. It looked around, like it was trying to take stock of it's situation.

I smiled, happy that it was looking better. Then I swore as I heard approaching footsteps. Quickly, I grabbed Caterpie and ran out the door. I realised too late that I had left the machine on high and the Turtwig was not inside it. Nurse Fulton would know someone had broken in, and she'd come looking for me.

I quickly sped home, running in through the back door so that Mum wouldn't catch me. As I ran into my room and closed the door behind me, Ralts Teleported onto my shoulder. I smiled, tapped him on the head, and put the Caterpie in one of my shoeboxes and it lay there, watching me through half-closed eyes.

Chapter Three

Ten minutes and a lot of chipped-off goop later, there was a knock on the front door. I heard muted conversation, then two people walking towards my room.

I picked up the Caterpie. It was instantly alert.
"Please, spray yourself with some String Shot," I begged it.

The Caterpie looked at me, considering my proposal, then it began to do as I asked. As it was doing this, I saw that it was female.

My mother opened the door, frowning.
"Why aren't you in school?" she asked.

"I was trying to help this Caterpie," I said. "It was really hurt."

Nurse Fulton entered my room and took the Caterpie. She carefully inspected it from all angles, and then returned it to me. As she did so, some of the tension went out of her shoulders.

"Well, I'm glad to see that it's doing better," she said.

"She's doing better," I corrected her.

"Yes, well I came because the Center was broken into just a while ago," Nurse Fulton sounded amused. "You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"No, ma'am," I replied vehemently.

She watched me for a few seconds, then smiled at me and left.

My mother then turned to look at me.

"You put that Pokemon back in the woods and get your butt to school!" she scolded me.

I nodded, and left the house with the Caterpie and Ralts.

Chapter Four

I carried the Caterpie back into the forest. Occaisionally, she would tilt to one side, and in response I would alter the direction in which I walked. After walking for five minutes, we reached a very long clearing. Caterpie squeaked, and then jumped down and started crawling away.

Ralts chirruped at me, and from my shoulder pointed to the opposite end of the clearing. The other Caterpie was there, repeatedly Tackling a small tree. Obviously it had made a full recovery as well. We watched as it struck the same spot repeatedly. After eight Tackles, the tree emitted a loud crack and fell over. The Caterpie then moved to a nearby bush and began to feed on some berries.

Ralts then chirruped again and turned my head. I saw the Caterpie I had rescued attempting to do the same thing to a similar tree. She repeatedly Tackled the small tree, with what looked like desperation. I noticed that, unlike the other Caterpie, she was not hitting the same spot each time. She was letting her emotions control her.

"Here, let me help you," I offered.

I drew a small pocket knife and marked an X in an untouched part of the tree.

"There, Tackle that," I suggested.

The Caterpie looked at me again, judging me. Then, she proceeded to do as I suggested. She Tackled the X, producing a dull thud. She did so again, producing a second thud.

On her sixth Tackle, however, she was rewarded with a crack as the tree gave way. It fell over, making a small crashing sound as it hit the ground. She made a repeating squeal that had a perculiar joyful inflection.

"There you go," I said. "You can do it if you concentrate."

I turned to leave, but she squeaked me me. When I looked at her, she moved in front of me, facing the other Caterpie.

"Do you want me to help you?" I asked, honored.

She nodded.

"It would be my pleasure," I grinned.

She shook her tail, like a young puppy.

Then she emitted a long, piercing, shrill squeal that seemed to echo throughout the forest.

Chapter Five

The other Caterpie looked up from it's meal, and it saw me. It looked confused, until it saw the Caterpie at my feet. Then it issued that same challenge and began storming towards us.

Something in the way that the Caterpie at my feet sat gave me a sudden flash of insight. "Hey, is that your brother?" I asked the Caterpie at my feet.

She made a small grunt, which I chose to take as a "yes".

I looked at the male. He had already made it halfway to us.

"Okay, let's do this," I said. "Put a String Shot over his mouth so he can't bite you."

She did so, shooting a thin silver stream at her brother. The stream hit him in the face, closing off his mouth, but he did not slow down. He plowed right into his sister, knocking her aside.

"Use Bug Bite!" I said, and she got in a good bite before being thrown at a tree.

"Soften the impact with another String Shot!" I commanded. She twisted in mid-air and shot another silver stream, this time at the tree. It hit the tree with a splat, and the wad of goop caught Caterpie and lowered her to the ground gently.

But the male was already charging towards her.

"Dodge, and try to bite the back of his neck!"

She rolled to the side as her brother rushed past her, and she latched onto the back of his neck. He stopped, squealed in pain, and began trying to shake her off. She held on grimly, but was quickly thrown off.

Both Caterpie stared at each other. Before I could tell her what to do, the female rushed towards her brother, daring him to end this fight with a direct contest of pure strength. He accepted, rushing straight at her. I held my breath as Ralts shouted encouragement.

Contact.

Both Caterpie were flung back. After a second, the female got up.

The male did not.

I cheered, and ran towards the new winner. She looked at me and smiled.

Then she collapsed.

I stood there in shock. It was just like this morning, except now I had two terribly wounded Caterpies instead of one. I couldn't sneak back into the Pokemon Center, and the Nurse wouldn't heal them if they didn't belong to me.

That gave me an idea.

I pulled out my last two PokeBalls and stared at them, before tossing one at each Caterpie.

Claimed for Grading. :)

Introduction:

But this story isn't about my Ralts. It's about two Caterpie I encountered and their story of rivalry and how I got mixed up in it.

I thought that your introduction was very well done. It nicely summed up what the story was going to be about (the above quote almost acted like the thesis of the whole thing), and it gave some details on the setting that the story would take place in.

The only part that I really felt could have been improved was when you introduced how Jathan befriended Ralts; a few more details on the meeting would have been adequate. Considering what you're going for, however, it's hardly a problem.

Good job with this section.

Plot:
While on his way to school one day, Jathan stumbles upon two Caterpie wrestling in the forest. One comes out of the scuffle severely injured, so he brings it back to town with him in an attempt to heal it. The Nurse at the local Center says that she can't do anything about it unless it's his Pokemon, so he takes matters into his own hands. A television is destroyed in the process, but he gets away relatively unscathed from his break-in. He then helps the Caterpie defeat its rival, who happens to be her brother. He then decides to capture them both.

It's relatively simple, using the compassionate mold of "kid finds injured Pokemon, kid heals Pokemon, Pokemon joins kid". I like how you elaborated on this situation and gave the story more depth by initiating a rivalry between two Caterpie, though. Typically, the stories that use this mold don't really give a reason for the Pokemon to fight, so seeing a justifiable reason is refreshing.

Good job with this section, as well!

Dialogue:
As I'm always telling potential writers, dialogue plays an important role in the story. Aside from allowing the characters to interact, it also brings out their personalities for the reader to see. In general, showing these personalities in dialogue is better than telling the reader about them in description.

You did this very well; I could tell that Jathan was made to be a compassionate, caring character as soon as he began conversing with Nurse Fulton in the Pokemon Center about the injured Caterpie. Fulton seemed like she would also be this way, if she wasn't so stressed from having to take care of so many Pokemon. In short, the personalities were done well. Though I felt that Jathan's mother could have received more attention towards her personality, she was more of a bit character, anyway, so it's not a big deal.

Grammar:
I didn't really see much of note in this section. Although you did forget to double-space between certain lines at points in your story, it didn't interrupt the flow of the story, so it's easily overlooked. Since I don't have much to talk about here, I'd like to point out one small error on your part in the introduction:

But this story isn't about my Ralts. It's about two Caterpie I encountered and their story of rivalry and how I got mixed up in it.

The bold-faced part of the quote is a run-on, though I knew what you were going for there. The correct way to word this is as follows:

It's about two Caterpie I encountered, their story of rivalry, and how I got mixed up in it.

Like I said, it's a simple mistake, but it's worth keeping in mind for the future.

Detail and Description:
This section was also done very well. The vast majority of the environments and the characters were described in great detail, and I could visualize the setting and the characters very easily.

There are two suggestions that I'd like to make for when you write for more complex captures. First off, make sure that you give some details on the appearance of your main character. I didn't really get too much on him, other than the bit about the shirt and jacket towards the beginning, and that made it difficult for me to visualize him in the situations he was in. This is a common mistake in first-person stories, and it's often difficult to find a way to fit the appearance into the story without it feeling forced. In the case of this story, you may have had Jathan change clothes in order to rid himself of the stained shirt; this would allow you to explain in more detail what he had on. Try incorporating the appearances into the characters without making them feel forced, because forcing these descriptions into the story interrupts the flow of the piece and ends up being jarring.

My second suggestion also has to do with the first-person style of storytelling. Since you're using this style, it might be a good idea to describe the appearances of Wild Pokemon as seen by the main characters. While this is a Pokemon forum, we can't always assume that everyone knows what every Pokemon looks like, so giving some details and then having the character register that the Pokemon is a(n) (insert species here) would be a good idea.

I noticed that you identified the genders of the Caterpie in the story:

The Caterpie looked at me, considering my proposal, then it began to do as I asked. As it was doing this, I saw that it was female.

Something in the way that the Caterpie at my feet sat gave me a sudden flash of insight. "Hey, is that your brother?" I asked the Caterpie at my feet.

It's worth noting that the gender of most bugs is often hard to identify, especially for someone who isn't experienced with them (such as a zoologist). This is only more so for Caterpie, who doesn't have any distinguishable differences between males and females (so far as the games are concerned). These facts made me feel like this detail was unnecessary, as the gender could be determined later, or even through the pitch of the cries of the Pokemon. But this is hardly a problem, considering your targets.

You did well here, too, but keep my suggestions in mind for the future.

Battle:
The battle was also well done. You described the attacks in great detail, and the effects of the moves on the targets of the attacks were also explored. I also enjoyed how you used the moves for different and experimental things, other than what they're typically used for in the games, as this added some depth to the fight. In future endeavors, you may want to lengthen the battles depending on what you're going for, but this was more than enough for two Caterpie.

Good job here.

Length:
Caterpie is in the Easiest category; the suggested length for Pokemon in this category is 3,000 to 5,000 characters. For two, the suggested length is 6,000 to 10,000 characters. Your story is 13,635 characters, so it's more than enough.

Outcome:
Drum roll, please...

...

...Click! Click!

Gotcha! Caterpie (x 2) was caught!

This was very good for a first story. I think you'll be able to go for something more complex without too much trouble at all.

Enjoy your catch!