But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

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Thread: But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

  1. #1
    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

    Target Pokemon: Venipede
    Difficulty: Simple
    Target Length: 5k - 10k
    Actual Length: 6713

    ~~~~~

    The man on the screen roared and pulled the trigger on his rifle. A line of tracer fire spewed out from the rifle towards the spider-like beast. The roar of the rifle was very distinctive - repetitive and cyclical. As the magazine began to run out of bullets, a clicking was heard over the gunfire, until finally the gun ran dry. The muscly man on the screen rolled backwards, away from the approaching spider-creature, reaching for one of the clips on his belt as he did so. He ejected the rifle's empty magazine, sending it clattering onto the hospital's concrete floor, and then he shoved the new clip into the rifle's slot. Too hard, as it turned out - the magazine stuck somewhere inside the gun.

    "Argh, dammit!" the large solider yelled.

    "God damn, I hate those stupid Corpsers," the young boy holding the controller muttered. He started mashing one of the shoulder button. "And this dumbass needs to reload his Lancer faster."

    The solider slammed the heel of his hand onto the rifle a couple of times, and the magazine slipped into the correct place. The gun started firing at the approaching monster, and halfway through this clip the Corpser screeched and fell forwards, collapsing over a hospital desk. The soldier rolled forwards, throwing his rifle aside and ripping a shotgun off his back. He fired the shotgun into the spider's strangely human-like face at point-blank range. The force of the blast knocked it backwards off the desk, and the beast's legs began curling up into a fist.

    The young man pressed the shoulder button on his controller again, and the soldier reloaded his shotgun with a very satisfying ka-chick sound. As the words "Round 11" appeared on the screen, the gamer heard a plaintive squeak. He looked off to the right and saw a purple dog-sized insect crawl into the living room. It had a big thick chest, very much like the soldiers in his game, although unlike them it had eight black legs on the underside of body. Its small head was emphasised by its large eyes, which were yellow with black irises. A pair of antennae on its head waved around tiredly, which were matched by the two similar appendages on its tail.

    The Venipede squeaked again and crawled across the soft carpeted floor. She could remember the human women calling out in a rough voice to the young boy and then pointing at her food bowl. The woman had left an hour or so ago, and the boy still had not put food in her bowl. She was hungry. The Poison-type looked up at the screen and got a look at what was keeping the boy's attention - a big muscly man was ripping a tall reptile dressed in rags apart using a chainsaw.

    The Pokemon nudged the gamer's leg with her head, but the boy ignored her. She did it again, but all she got in return was a grunt. The insect backed up and squealed, a plaintive yet piercing tone that completely drowned out the sounds of the television. The young boy wiped his sweaty hands on his brown shirt and looked angrily at the Pokemon.

    "I'll feed you in a minute, geez," he said when the insect quietened down. "Just go wait in the kitchen."

    The Venipede's eyes crinkled, her way of showing happiness. Her many legs carried her into the kitchen, changing from a muffled padding into a scratchy skittering when she started to move across the kitchen's floor tiles. She waited next to her bowl happily, head body swaying from side to side.

    The boy never came.

    After five minutes of patient waiting and a series of loud explosions emanating from the lounge room, the Venipede got tired of waiting. She scuttled around the table angrily, unsure what to do. Her stomach grumbled, and she did the same. Suddenly, she caught sight of her food packet - it was a bright yellow rectangular box that was currently sitting up on the kitchen counter. Her eyes narrowed - now that she knew where her food was, it was just a matter of getting to it.

    The Pokemon crawled up the table's legs, utilising the spiky points on her legs. She reached the top and gazed around. The counter was about as high as the table she was sitting on, and it was perhaps three Venipede-lengths away. There was no way she could jump that. Thankfully, there was a chair in-between the table and the counter, and it was one of the fancy ergonomic ones that curved backwards.

    The Pokemon backed up, preparing to attempt a jump. Her behind bumped into a flower vase, knocking it over and spreading water across the table. An idea sprouted in the Pokemon's mind. She used her head to roll the vase right to the edge of the table. With a powerful flick of her head, her antennae sent the vase flying into the chair, smashing it but knocking the chair against the counter at the same time. The vase was immediately followed by the Venipede, which landed solidly in the chair's curve.

    Unfortunately, that very curve kept the Pokemon from climbing up onto the counter - now that the chair was leaning against the cupboard, the backrest was almost vertical. The legs which found purchase on the wooden table were worse than useless on the chair's plastic surface. The Venipede tried to climb up onto the counter multiple times, but she was unable to do so without slipping straight back down.

    The Venipede's eyes narrowed as she looked up at the box. It was taunting her - delicious food was almost within reach, and protected by nothing but a weak cardboard shell. It wasn't fair. The insect began to growl, a strange noise made up of a series of rolling clicks. Her antennae began to glow white, and a second idea popped into the Pokemon's head. She fired a quick Pin Missile up at the box. The blindingly white arrow drilled a hole straight through the box, sending it cartwheeling into the air before landing on the cold hard tiles. Small hard bits of kibble in different shapes and colours scattered across the floor, sounding similar to the noise made when the Venipede walked.

    Almost crying with happiness, the Poison-type slipped off the chair and hit the ground with a thump. She immediately started eating the kibble, moving methodically in a grid-based search pattern. Despite her ravenous hunger, she only managed to eat about a third of the box before becoming full. She left the kitchen and crawled past the boy on her way to the woman's bedroom. He was still playing his game, only now he was being surrounded by small creatures that exploded when they were shot. The Pokemon entered the bedroom and crawled under the bed before beginning to doze off.

    Half an hour later, the Venipede was awakened by the woman's angry shouts. "What the hell kind of mess is this?" she screamed. "I told you to feed the poor Pokemon, not turn my kitchen into a warzone!"

    The Venipede's eyes crinkled.
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  2. #2
    Stumped Turtwig A's Avatar Bulbapedia Junior Administrator
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    Default Re: But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

    Have to unclaim.

    (20:56:57) Luxis: All y'all are a bunch of Silly heads.
    RIP Giruja. Why must you have been fake?


    (17:58:01) daytwon: why am i watchin ot turtwig
    (17:58:03) ±Dratini: daytwon was muted by Heather Star for 30 minutes! [Reason: inappropriate] [Channel: Trivia]

    [15:26] Synthesis: he ain't godkilled
    [15:27] Ebail: Zam was Syn
    [15:27] Synthesis: it was an agreed sacrifice to the gods

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    Angry about Outer Heavens ChainReaction01's Avatar
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    Default Re: But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

    Quote Originally Posted by Dynavolt View Post
    Have to unclaim.
    :L
    URPG Stats
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    Ranger Chapter | Referee Chapter | Grader Chapter | Judge Chapter
    ~No one understands how important sex is better than someone who isn't having any.~

    "ALLAREFRED" WinterVines 7:15 pm
    nightgowns aren't for sleeping silly

  4. #4
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

    You've waited two months...for a VENIPEDE?!

    ...INJUSTICE. I'M COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT, FOLKS. O:

  5. #5
    My Legs! Neighborhood-Guest's Avatar
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    Default Re: But I'm Hungry Now, Dammit

    [OoG: Lol, I had to use the "Grader Information" thread as a reference point for this Grade. I've got some serious work to do to get back to my old habits.]

    Introduction:
    So, let's open this story up, and...OH MAH GAWD he's already throwing me into a war zone there's mutant bugs getting shot and OH DAMN HIS GUN'S JAMMING AND...

    ...Oh, it's just some kid playing a video game. Well...that was...kind of a letdown. :/

    I saw no problems with your introduction. It was action-packed and drew me in to begin with. It just seemed to me like, in comparison to the relatively mellow tone that the rest of the story took, the adrenaline rush that the intro conveys was kind of...wasted, really. There's nothing really wrong with having a thrilling intro followed by a low-key story at this level of capture, especially since you don't really need to have that many characters to work with. I just didn't think it was wholly necessary. Maybe introduce the kid first screaming "HA! TAKE THAT!" or some other juvenile insult, and then showing the video game being played and the bug guts being spilled all over the TV screen would have made it less jarring. Just a thought.

    BUT MOVING ON!

    Plot:
    It's a simple story for a Simple 'Mon, really. You don't need to do much at this level in order to get what you're after, and I think your little allegory did more than enough. I also like how you showed your writing experience by not writing a "kid walks into forest and captures 'Mon" just because you're in the Simple category. Lots of the writers I Graded back when the influx happened due to the URPG's Bulbapedia move fell into this trap (including myself, but WHO SAID THIS WAS ABOUT ME), so it's nice to see a refreshing take on a Simple story.

    Very good, grasshopper.

    Dialogue:
    There wasn't much dialogue, but it was enough to provide some details into the characters and their personalities. From what they said, you can tell that the kid is...well, a kid, and possibly a troublemaker at that, and his mom is...well, his mom, and possibly slightly too lenient to hold that title (considering the games she lets him play and the use of the word "hell" in a sentence directed AT him).

    I also never felt that there was a moment where I had to say, "Yeah, I get it", in reference to the personality details I got from the characters. They defined themselves without needing to take up half of the story to do so.

    Perhaps more complex characters in more Complex scenarios would need to do so, but what you did here was fine.

    Grammar:
    No problems.

    ...Yeah, that's a sentence fragment being used to describe your Grammar section. PROBLEM, OFFICER? ;D

    Details:

    [OoG: Yeah, had to skim-read the story again at this point. I'm really out of it, I'm sorry. xD ]

    You did a really good job describing the video game and what was going on as the kid played it. I could visualize everything that went on about it, so good job with that. I want to point out though that when we got to Venipede's introduction, I was a bit confuzzled for a minute...

    ...the soldier reloaded his shotgun with a very satisfying ka-chick sound. As the words "Round 11" appeared on the screen, the gamer heard a plaintive squeak. He looked off to the right and saw a purple dog-sized insect crawl into the living room....
    Now, this could go in the Grammar section, but I think it has more to do with the Details, honestly. When you introduced Venipede, due to all of the detail you were giving about the video game previously, I kind of thought that this introduction was part of the video game, and not a part of the kid's living room setting and his pet walking into it, which made me have to re-read the paragraph to see if I missed something. A text break or "looked off to the right of his TV" would fix this.

    Otherwise, the story's omniscient perspective allowed for more details to be elaborated upon, but they weren't necessary. I could visualize the living room and kitchen, as well as the characters, well enough without any super-elaborate (and, in my opinion, jarring) descriptions. Maybe adding subtle adjectives to already-existing sentences (like what material the table or counter is made out of when Venipede crawled on them) would have helped a little, but as I said, not necessary.

    Lastly...

    "I told you to feed the poor Pokemon, not turn my kitchen into a warzone!"
    Lol, irony. xD

    Climax:
    No "battle", in the strict sense of Pokemon training, but Venipede's adventure across kitchen furniture makes a suitable replacement. You described everything well here, added tension and a sense of a struggle with the chair causing her to slip away from the food, and the end result was satisfying for our character in distress.

    No complaints here!

    Realism:
    You did very well at keeping it real. We could have just as easily replaced "Venipede" with "dog" or "cat" and had a plausible, realistic situation. That said, feel free to take liberties with more Complex stories. Not everything has to follow life's rules, so long as it has a decent explanation.

    ...Or no explanation. I'm a philosophy major, so I can understand why some things can't be explained. Like...emotions. Yeah, those are tri~cky. >_>;

    Length:
    Right down the middle.

    Verdict:

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