The Burnt Skitty
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  1. #1

    Default The Burnt Skitty

    The Burnt Skitty
    Pokemon trying to catch: Skitty(Simple 5-10k)
    Characters: 6618



    Once upon a time there was a trainer called Kitty.She was named after her mother who tragactly passed away when Kitty was 5 in a car accident,she was now 10 begining a pokemon journey with Charmander her starting pokemon which she loved with all of her heart.Kitty was always picked on because of her name when she was younger,pepole would meow at her and call her cat names.She would allways be upset because of this and would always go home crying to her dad-who hated pokemon and only let her start her pokemon journey so she could get away from shcool.

    Kitty was now walking out of her home town which she always would remember.She was walking along a big grassy field with Charmander,she believed it was better for her pokemon to be out of its pokeball and not be inside it so it can get some fresh air."Enjoying the fresh air Charmander?" Kitty asked,there was a nice breeze which Charmander seemed to be enjoying-he was enjoying it so much he didn't hear Kitty ask if he was enjoying the breeze.They were walking along the grassy field when suddenly they saw a shop,with a picture of tea on it it looked like it was a cafe "Lets go into the cafe to get some lunch Charmander" Kitty said yawning "Char Char"Charmander said really seeming to agree.

    So they went to walk in to the shop where they would hopefully get shop food, in the shop there was a counter to get all of the food and some tables and chairs.But before they could think about food they relised how long the line was,it was very long with about 5 people in front,it would be a long time before they got there food.Charmander then noticed something going about Kitty it looked like a pokemon "Char Char" charmander then said pulling Kitty to get her attention "What is wrong Charmander?" Kitty said looking down at the little pokemon Charmander then pointed with his webbed fingers to where he thought he saw the pokemon but it wasn't there Charmander couldn't believe it.Am I seeing things ? he thought to himself.

    So then they just continued waiting then 20 minutes later it was there turn to get served "Ill have a Spicey Pizza please and my Charmander would like pokemon poppets both with a drink Charmander's with water and mine with milk so it isn't to hot for me" Kitty said happily "Ok that will be $11 please" the person at the counter said yikes Kitty thought to herself she only had $12 if it had been $2 more she would not have been able to buy it".Over to table 3 and your food will arrive shortly"the person at the counter said taking the money from Kitty.

    So over to table 3 they went and wated for there food then 5 minutes later the waiter arrived with there food.Spiicey pizza was Kitty's favourite food and had not had it in a long time so as they had started eating Charmander seen how happy the pizza seemed to make Kitty so when she was not looking he took a bit of the pizza and took a bite,he then relised how hot it was-even for a fire type pokemon and began using Flamethrower every where because it was so hot, he used it on other tables,chairs running around trying to get the taste of it out of his mouth however he then noticed that he had used Flamethrower on a pokemon,Kitty didn't reconize it and holded her pokedex up to it,"Skitty, the Kitten Pokémon. Skitty will get completely caught up in pursuing any moving objects that catches its eye".Wow Kitty thought a pokemon that nearly has the same name as me how cute but right now Skitty didn't look to be in a cute mood,it was angry and started attacking Charmander fearsly then suddenly its trainer appeared "Skitty,stop it this is not how we treat customers" Skittys trainer said then sudden Skitty stopped Wow it must be trained well,those attacks were pretty powerful Kitty thought to herself then the trainer introduced herself "Hi i'm Amy the owner of this cafe and Skitty,sorry about before when Skitty was attacking your Charmander " "Its ok my Charmander got a bit of a hot mouth and acidently attacked Skitty so were sorry to for making it mad" then Charmander said"Char Char" as if to say sorry to them.Kitty then decided she wanted to catch a Skitty and wanted to do it soon.

    After Kitty and Charmander had finished there meal they had gone outside to start traveling again,but they had forgot somthing,Charmander's pokeball so they went back to look for it they then looked every where but couldn't find it they then figured the only place it could be, with the Skitty so over they went to it and then they saw it,Charmanders pokeball and next to it,a sleeping Skitty so then Kitty carefully took it then went back outside Kitty then remembered how tired Charmander would be and not to mention all they attacks so then she thought I should take Charmander to a pokemon center and quick and that she did she took Charmander back to her town to get him recovered where she was greeted by a happy Nurse Joy who recovered Charmander to full health and decided to look for a Skitty and so Kitty looked and looked but had no luck then eventually heard something a sort of Meow sound and then knew that it was a wild Skitty!.

    Then Kitty turned around,it was what she thought a wild Skitty she then knew this could be her only chance and so sent Charmander into battle and knew he was ready "Ok Charmander lets begin this with Scratch" Charmander got ready not just as he did Skitty started to sing,it was the attack Sing which put Charmander to sleep but Charmander was not it only appeard so that Skitty attacking him must have made him angry" Scratch again Charmander "yelled Kitty trying to cheer Charmander on Skitty used tackle but it seemed to miss Charmander managed to dodg then use Scratch it done a lot of damage but Skitty wouldn't give up it used Double Slap witch also did a lot of damage they both looked equal it would be who wanted it more it would come down to " Charmander use Slash" Kitty said encouragingly they had never used it but had practiced while looking for a skitty it got it claws and slashed Skitty however suddenly somthing happend to Charmander it seemed Skitty had attacked at the same time Charmander attacked both got up then Skitty quickly used Double slap again it really wanted to win this battle but so did Charmander "Charmander use Ember" Kitty cheered on and Charmander then struggling to stay up used Ember this would decide this battle and Charmander knew it so with all his might Charmander tried its best and used Ember,then went down but so was Skitty then suddenly Charmander found the strength to get up.Kitty had won and she knew it "Pokeball GO" she shouted throwing a pokeball.

  2. #2
    magister mencium VeloJello's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Burnt Skitty

    Claimed. Grade should be up before the weekend's out.
    Among my frivolous thoughts,
    I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.
    The indications reveal
    That few of us realize life is quite surreal.

    URPG Stats.

  3. #3
    magister mencium VeloJello's Avatar
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    Default Re: The Burnt Skitty

    Introduction

    I see that you've chosen to make use of the infamous phrase 'Once upon a time'. I personally don't have an opinion on it as an opener, but I do want to give you this warning: there are a lot of people who look on it as clichéd. It fits best at the beginning of stories that read like classic fairy tales, or it can also be used for added whimsy in comedic stories.

    Onto the rest of your introduction! There are four things that, as a general rule, introductions are expected to introduce: what (the main character is doing), where (the story is taking place), who (the main character is), and why (the main character is doing whatever he or she is doing). You delivered the what – Kitty is going on a Pokémon journey – and the who – Kitty, of course. However, the where and the why could have used some improvement. Yes, you told the audience that she was leaving her hometown – but just where is this hometown? Is it in the middle of nowhere? Is it a bustling city? What region is it in? Answering these questions adds valuable detail and helps to immerse the reader in your story. As for the why, it was better but still a tad vague. It’s clear that Kitty’s dad sent her off so that she could be free of her nasty schoolmates, but if Kitty had any other motivation – a love of adventure, a desire to meet new people – that would also be helpful. The introduction is usually a good place to get descriptive and make sure the reader knows just who your protagonist is and why he or she is awesome.

    Plot

    Your storyline was just fine for a Simple story. You had your budding Trainer heading out on her Pokémon journey with her brand new companion, stopping for lunch (and having some misadventures along the way), and then catching herself a brand new Skitty. This is good, especially for a light-hearted foray into the Simple rank.

    However, I did notice a few snarls. First of all, if a Charmander starts using Flamethrower all over the place, people are going to get hurt. The store could very well catch fire and burn to the ground. One thing that you must be sure to do in a story about super-powerful beasties is keep aware of what effects their attacks and abilities will have on the world around them. My advice to you would be to have Charmander use something smaller, like an Ember attack, so that the store would not be catching on fire and the owner’s relatively lighthearted reaction would be appropriate.

    I was also confused as to why Kitty had a Charmander for a starter, but she was catching a wild Skitty in the woods. Charmander is a Kanto starter, and as far as I know Kanto’s Skitty population is zero. Something you could have elaborated on was the reason for this: Kitty could be in Hoenn and the Charmander could have been a gift from someone, or Kitty could be in a region of your own devising where Charmanders and Skitties live together in harmony. This wasn’t a huge issue; just be sure that the reader knows what region the story is taking place in so that he or she doesn't get confused.

    Description

    You didn’t do a lot of describing. In a Simple story, that’s not going to destroy you; but remember that good description can drastically improve your story and may also help to convince an undecided grader that your story is pass-worthy.

    There were things that you did describe and things that you did not. You described the nice breeze, the long line, and the spicy pizza. That’s great! These things liven up your story and add to the reader’s enjoyment.

    The things you did not describe, however, were rather important things. You described Kitty’s backstory well enough, but you didn’t give us any sort of physical description through the story. Is she blond? Short? Blue-eyed? Does she have acne? Wear a sweater? We don’t know. Having a physical description of the characters is critical for the reader, because without one we can’t picture what’s going on nearly as well. Remember: us readers are lazy! We don’t like to fill in the blanks; we want you to tell us what everything looks like so that we don’t have to be left guessing.

    Battle

    I'll gloss over your battle briefly, although since it wasn't long I won't go into too much depth. All I want to point out is that while there was nothing really wrong with it, you would do well to describe the action more. You told how much damage each attack did, but not what it looked like as it was used. Was the fire flying everywhere? Was Skitty truly burnt by Charmander's attacks? Did Charmander stagger back and nearly fall as Skitty hit him with all of her adorable might? Adding description heightens the excitement in a Pokemon battle, and excitement is something the reader tends to want.

    Grammar

    I won’t lie – this was your weakest section. I could go deeper, but I won’t because this is a Simple story. I’ll try to explain what I noticed most consistently, and then explain to you how to fix these problems. Don’t worry because this section is long – most of it is me trying to explain things so that you can avoid these pitfalls in the future.

    The most common problem you had was not adding spaces after your periods and your commas. This is a very common mistake among inexperienced writers – heck, I did the same thing when I was first starting! – and easily corrected. Unless they are at the very end of dialogue, right before your quotation marks, commas always have spaces after them. Periods are the same way, unless you are using an ellipsis. An ellipsis looks like this: “…” If you are using an ellipsis, only the final period will have a space after it.

    Another issue I noticed was your usage of dialogue. Dialogue is very good in a story, but if it isn’t formatted properly it is very, very hard to understand. As a general rule, whenever someone starts speaking, a new paragraph is started. This isn’t always necessary when there is only one speaker. But when a second character speaks, you always make a new paragraph, so that the reader can understand who’s speaking more easily. For example, when Kitty starts speaking in your second paragraph, what you did is fine. You didn’t need to add a new paragraph, although you could have; it’s not really a hard-and-fast rule so much as a matter of preference. But when you do add Charmander’s dialogue, you must add a new paragraph. An easy way to think of it is like this: when you have your first character (Kitty) speak in a paragraph, you give her that paragraph. That is her paragraph, and no one else’s. It is about her only. Since the paragraph already belongs to your first character, there is no room for your second character (Charmander). Therefore, you should give him his own paragraph where there is room for him.

    Also on the topic of dialogue, every single bit of dialogue needs to end in punctuation. It has to. That is the law and if you break it you will be arrested confuse your readers. There are four kinds of punctuation marks you can end dialogue with: commas, exclamation points, question marks, and – very rarely – periods. Commas are used like periods. You do not add a space after this kind of comma, because right after this comma comes an ending quotation mark. You do, however, add a space after the ending quotation mark. The same goes for exclamation points and question marks, which are used as normal. You do use periods at the end of dialogue every now and again, but you only use them when there is no regular sentence after them. Example:
    “Please, get me a sandwich,” said the famished man.
    “Please, get me a sandwich.”
    The dialogue with the regular sentence after it ends in a comma. The dialogue with nothing after it ends in a period.

    I’ll add one more thing: spell-check is your friend. Be sure that you’re typing in a word processor that will pick up on your spelling errors and put a handy little red line under them. This can be annoying when you’re using Pokémon names because the computer won’t recognize them, but you can always right-click the name and select the ‘Add to Dictionary’ option, which will make the computer recognize the word.

    Length

    I got 6597 characters, not counting the title. This is within the target range, so you’re not doing too badly. :>

    Conclusion

    After a good deal of pondering, I’ve reached a verdict:

    While Skitty is a Simple-rank Pokémon, I don’t believe that you’ve put in enough effort for a capture. Perfect grammar is not necessary for a Simple-rank story, but you need to at least have a cohesive story that can be understood easily. My advice would be to go back and do a solid revision with grammar at the forefront of your mind – but don’t hesitate to look for places where you can improve the storyline as well. It would be good practice for when you’re ready to move on to bolder ventures. If you decide to do the revisions, feel free to hit me up for a regrade. I wish you the best of luck.
    Among my frivolous thoughts,
    I believe there are beautiful things seen by the astronauts.
    The indications reveal
    That few of us realize life is quite surreal.

    URPG Stats.

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