Burning Desire
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Thread: Burning Desire

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Black City

    Default Burning Desire

    Another day,a new beggining.
    Hello there.My name is Kaiser Hosikawa,17, and I reside in Lavaridge Town,known for its firey passion and its firey trainers.I wish to become a great Pokémon trainer and my parents encourage my choice,but they wish for me to become a great trainer inside the town.They fear for safety as I am the youngest of three older siblings,but I will prove to them and my town that I am more than capable to take care of myself.In order to do that I must start my own journey and earn their respect.

    My story begins on a crisp Autumn morning and the town is abuzz with joyous laughter and noise.The annual festival is taking place and all around is merriment and fun.Vendors are selling many different items.Some selling sweets and candy,and others pokeballs and items from distant lands.It was a major time for my family as they are the coordinators of the festival every year.We would constantly recieve packages from my eldest brother and sister,who are visiting distant regions.My brother:Kanto and my sister:Johto.But enough of them and lets focus on a event that will change my life forever.

    I awoke in my home at 8:00 A.M. which was relatively late considering I attend school,but today was different.I was to visit the Pokémon Center and meet with the proffesor to give me my first pokémon.I lazily stumbled out of bed,nearly tripping over magazines strewn everywhere,and ran to my closet.I quickly changed into a pair of blue jeans,a green T-shirt,a sleeveless black hoodie,black basketball shoes and two white sweatbands.After change I immediatly jumped down the stairs,skipping every three steps,and bounded into the kitchen.I was greeted by the smell of bacon and Oran berries.“Oran berries?" I thought as I looked over to the counter and saw a laptop bag,three Oran berries,and a 3 pack of potions.

    My mother,Sonia,smiled and hugged me in a warm embrace.“So honey,are you ready for your big day?" she asked with her usual excitement in her tone.“As I'll ever be." I replied,a tone of nervousness in my voice which was rarely heard.“Well do your best and dont be discouraged and your father left you some items the counter." she said as she pointed with a spoon used to stir a cake batter.I smiled as I fitted the black and grey bag around my shoulder in a laptop case type way.I set the potions in the bag but as I began to scoop up the Oran berries my mothers pet Flareon,Senya,leaped onto the counter and swiped one of the Oran berries.Me and my mother stared at Senya as she nibbled lightly on the berry.My mother laughed lightly while I,on the other hand,wasn't amused.I leaned down in a crouch next to it and smiled a wry smile.“So you wanna be a little theif ey?."Her reply was to cutely blow a puff off smoke into my face.My eye twitcedh as I swiped a Lum berry from her bowl and ran toward the door looking back at the angry Flareon and smiled.“An eye for a eye."I yelled as I ran out the door, hearing the sounds of my mother yelling and Senya charging up a Flamethrower attack.As I passed through the gate I enjoyed the calm rustling of the trees an the autumn leaves falling.I made my way down a few blocks to the pokémon center and stopped at the automatic door.I sighed and stepped through the doors.

    “And there's the troublemaker now."I heard my brothers voice over the entire Pokécenter.I walked toward a table where my brother and a man with gray, shaggy hair and a lab coat was standing.I approached the table and nocticed a small,cylindrical case sitting on the table.“Welcome you must be Kaiser" the man greeted me as I approached.“Yes I am and you are".“Bro,this is Professor Rowan from Sinnoh.He's here to give you your first pokémon."he chimed in as he took a seat.I stared at the case and Rowan smiled.“Now allow me to present you with your first pokémon."Inside the case was a pokémon egg colored light blue and the bottom was black with zigzags in the middle.Suddenly the egg began to glow a bright white as Proffesor Rowan removed the glass casing.I began to look panic as I did'nt not know what to do.Just then,my brother peaked over my shoulder and on the other side he handed me a pokeball.I immediatly knew what to do.I pressed the center button and the red and white ball expanded in my hand.On the table,standing with a strong gleam in it's eyes,was a Riolu.The pokécenter grew quiet as They witness it's hatching.Nurse Joy walked over and examined it and dub it to be very healty and happy.

    “This a Riolu."The proffesor added“It's rare in our region and your father asked a favor of me."“Dad and Professor Rowan went to college together."my brother added.“I just smiled and nodded as I stared at Riolu with a smile.Riolu did the same and stared at the pokéball.I nodded back and held the ball in my hand and gently tapped the ball against Riolu's head.It smiled as it turned a transparent red and was absorbed into the pokéball.Once...Twice...Thrice...Ding!The ball stopped shaking and a small ding was heard and the pokémon was captured.It was a happy day for me as I had just recieved my first pokémon.After a conversation about the basics of pokemon care,all three of us exited the pokécenter and faced each other.

    “I believe I will enjoy the festivies before heading to Lilycove.I suggest you take Riolu on a stroll to get it acquainted with the outdoors." said Professor Rowan.I stared absent mindedly at the pokéball and smiled.“You mean Archer."“Archer?"He asked.I immediatly threw the pokéball into the air and Riolu appeared in a flash of white flash.“You like that"?I asked.Riolu smiled and gave me a thumbs up and a wink.“Well that decides it."I said as I heard a small explosion from Mount Chimney.We looked towards the mountain and and immediatly ran towards the noise.As we ran along the path we saw scorch marks along rocks and split trees and broken branches.We climbed the path way and saw a few trainers nursing their injured pokémon.I ran to them and asked what was matter.“It just came from nowhere." a boy responded,cradling a Treecko in his arms.“Yeah,it's mach punch was strong too."said a girl who was petting her Persian.The other would'nt even speak as his Gliscor was near KO'd.I set two potions and two Oran berries on the ground and followed the scorch marks.I order Rowan and My brother to stay behind as I ran head first into danger.I traced my hands along a rock and felt that the burns were fresh.Then suddenly it attacked!A rock to my left shattered into rubble faster than I can turn.And as I turned the other rock beside me shattered also.This was gonna be my first capture.

    As I turned,I caught a quick glimpse of the pokémon.It was short,had long arms,and was incredible fast.It sent a mach punch at me from a distance.I shut my
    eyes tighyly and only felt wind pass me.I was shocked to my suprise as I saw Riolu already immerged from its' pokéball and sheilded me from the blast.“Force Palm."I whispered.Riolu nodded and focused on the pokémon now in plain sight.A monkey to be exact.A Monfeno.It look ornery and ready to brawl.It began to charge and its fist began to glow.“Thirty meters and closing!!"I instinctivly yelled.“Quick Attack and follow up with Force Palm!"Monfenos' mach punch slammed into Riolus' face and sent him sprawling into a rock.The rock shattered but immediatly Riolu blasted out of the rock and and rammed a fist into Monfernos face and immediatly slammed a force palm into its stomach sending it back into a boulder.As I commanded another quick attack,Monferno jetted back with a mach punch and the brawl began.Punch after punch,each pokémon gave and recived their hits.Riolu was taking more damage though and was finally pinned by momfernos palm.I closed my eyes and tried to find a move to use.Finally it hit me.“Reversal!!!"I yelled and Riolu sprang back and slammed a fist,with double the damage taken from Monferno,into the monkey pokémons stomach.It sent Monferno sprawling into the dusty ground.I had prayed I had some pokéballs in my bag and my mother made sure I did.

    I stared down the ragey monferno as it struggled to stand.It looked as if it fought all its life.I decide to help.I slowly walked towards the
    weakened monferno and knelt in front of it.“Looks like you have two options.1)You can come with me and quit causing this chaos or 2)I can make you.Its your call." I said with a smirk hoping for the latter.As I thought,it was going down fighting.I o
    jumped back and directed my hand toward monferno“Riolu,Force Palm!!!"As monferno charged with its mach punch ready,Riolu
    ran too and the jumped toward each other,fists glowing.Monferno swung first and it missed Riolu by a hair.Thats when luck turned and Riolu slammed the force palm into monfernos face,creating a small impact crater.I quickly threw the pokéball at the daze moferno and it landed on the ground and it begun to shake.Once...Twice...Thrice.....Ding.Monferno was caught.I smiled and picked up the pokéball containing my new friend and looked at Riolu.He gave me a high five we ran down the mountain,eager to begin our new quest.
    Last edited by MaverickKaiser; 17th April 2010 at 05:44 PM.

  2. #2

    Default Re: Burning Desire

    Oops! This story is a little on the short side for the Pokemon that you want. According to this thread, your target, a Monferno, is in the Complex category, which has a minimum suggested length of 30,000 characters. Right now, your story is 9,048 characters.

    While it is not always necessary to attain the minimum suggested length, it's usually much more difficult to capture a Pokemon if your story is shorter than what is suggested. For this reason, I must ask you to make this story long enough to at least meet the minimum suggested length before it can be given a Grade.

    If you need help with this, there are several options available to you. First and foremost, I would take a look at this thread, if you haven't already; it provides several useful tips that will help you get this story up to the minimum suggested length. There are also several examples stickied to the Stories section that show what a successful capture looks like if you need further help.

    There have been many successful captures from users just like yourself here on the Bulbagarden Forums URPG. If you don't mind looking around a little, you should be able to come across a few by browsing the Stories section (see the link above). These can provide further examples if the stickied stories don't cover the category you're going for.

    Don't forget about your fellow users, either! While we Graders have the final say as to whether or not you get a Pokemon, other users can provide useful feedback and suggestions that might help just as much as a Grader's feedback! Once your story meets the minimum suggested length, edit your original post, replacing the old version of the story with the new one. To gain attention from other users, open this thread up to public opinions by tacking on something like "Open to users" to the title of the thread, which can be done by editing the first post of the thread. You can also post in the Chat and Feedback thread and ask other users for opinions there. Just remember to provide a link to the story somewhere in your post in that thread if you decide to use it!

    So don't get discouraged! There are plenty of sources available to you, so use any or all of them to your advantage. Once you're happy with the changes you've made and the story meets the minimum suggested length for the category you're shooting for, let me or another Grader know via a Private Message, a Visitor Message, or the Chat and Feedback thread (see link above), and let us know that you've made the change. We'll be happy to give it a Grade then.

    Good luck!


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