Thread: A bunch of stories (first one ready for grading)

I know this story is weird. After all, it's story whose plot whose progression basically keeps swaying. Also a Story Deal by the way. I'm aiming for this to be a multi-chapter thing.

Oh, and warning: this might be very corny and confusing to read. It probably won't drive you insane though unless you try to understand it.

Story 1: Wingulling it

Target: Wingull (one for now)
Characters: 5 to 10 thousand
Actually: About 5.8 thousand


Ah, islands, a place to go to get some relaxation. Most of the time they are relaxing, but sometimes something unsettling happens, volcanoes erupt, tribes become not so friendly, etc. Actually, this upcoming tale shows a very weird way of unsettling in an island. Two Wingull, a duo that barely leave each other's side, see some not so peaceful things. Of course, it was one of those places with volcanoes nearby, but still.


These two were very eccentric creatures, barely paying attention to details and letting life basically just fly by. Everything stated here will be by their perspective.


Wait, you don’t know what a Wingull is? Well, it’s a bird-like creature, with white wings that have a blue section in their center. At the edge of the wing was a V-like cut. Wingull also have a white tail, which are blue at their end. That pretty much sums them up, so time to continue!


Here, the tale shall be shown for all to read, no matter how they get here. And so begins the tale of some young Wingull and the group of troublesome Pokémon they belong to...


"Watch out man!" Upon hearing the sound, the Wingull flew right, a rock barely missing its wing.


"Thanks for telling me dude", the Wingull soon said, grateful for barely missing such a high-powered shot.


"No problem", the voice replied. This voice, the same as the one alerting Wingull of the danger, came from below. Its holder soon enough appeared as another Wingull.


Almost certainly, they would have continued speaking, but the conversation though was halted when another voice suddenly broke in.


"Are you two going to battle or what?" It soon said. This time, the voice came from an Aerodactyl, a once extinct pterodactyl-like species that was brought back to being from resurrection machines.


It was one of the few things humans did that wild Pokémon appreciated, even though that list was overshadowed by another list of bad things they do.


Among that list was ‘capturing’ Pokémon and using them for
various recreations. The worst part wasn’t that they were ‘controlling’ the Pokémon in some ways; it was that it created a sort of tier between the wild and owned ones.


Owned ones were always shown to act more snobby and stuck-up because they were ‘chosen’. They usually let go of connections with their family and former friends, only remaining loyal to anyone their ‘Trainer’ had connections with. Such a sad story, but it was a really common one.


Now back to the story, where Aerodactyl recently broke into the conversation. Anyway, as probably inferred, it was Aerodactly who sent the rock blast at one of the Wingull. The three were doing a 1v2 fight to see if Aerodactyl had gotten stronger since the last time he saw the two Wingull.


The last time was in fact, the first time as well. Their first meeting was complicated to say the least, and even a bit disturbing to the Wingull.


Yes, the last time they met, that was a hilarious story. The two Wingull met the Aerodactyl when they went to the research laboratory near the beach. The scientists there, all interestingly looking like each other for some reason, were flabbergasted as Wingull appearing in the area. It was odd enough to be in the laboratory, but the whole island didn’t really have Wingull or other birds in general.


In fact, they tried to shoo the Wingull toward the nearby cool islands. While not the perfect environment, it was good enough.


Scientists are apparently horrible at direction though, and they directed the two Wingull to the resurrection laboratory. There they saw something, no not something, but someone! That wasn’t it though, he – or was it a she, or even an ‘it’ – was being created!


Even to this day, neither Wingull knew why they stared at the whatever-it-is being created.


Though it was obvious why they weren’t caught at that moment; the scientists were too busy with the task at hand to notice them. This was too much of a mysterious moment, and both Wingull recall wanting to leave but having no idea how to.


In fact, they regretted even entering the laboratory in the first place. It was a strange


How’d they get there? Well, they were simply on there way from a voyage starting at Slateport City, Hoenn to well, they don't remember. Suddenly, the wind became ferocious, sending the two Wingull spiraling toward an island far from their destination.


The island, known to residents as Cinnabar Island, seemed to be a very quaint town at first. Soon though, many things around the area started to intrigue the curious seagull-like creatures. For example, the island had a craggy volcano as one of its biggest tourist attractions, a laboratory to resurrect previously extinct species, and even a burnt down mansion. The Wingull themselves were flying into the door when it suddenly – and luckily – opened and closed right when they were about to hit it.


Later they would find that they also barely missed a human’s two shoulders whilst sailing through the door.


So many places to explore, so little time to do it. You may be wondering how there was little time. Well, the Wingull were going to the place they had to go to for a group meeting. The group was abbreviated as the TSPO, which stood for 3 words the Wingull never bothered to memorize.


Anyway, the group meant once a year, and it was vital for all members to attend. Otherwise, they were dead to the group and taken out of the club.


Now, these Wingull had worked hard to join the club, and they honestly did not want to throw away the one thing in life they actually earned. You now might be wondering one thing though, how did they join the club? Sorry, but we've already strayed too far away from the story and can't go farther without the risk of forgetting about it. So I guess we'll wrap up here


Whatever happened to the Wingull during the battle though? Well, my friend, we'll just have to wait and see.

Claiming =)

Introduction:

You start this story in giving the reader information about islands in general. A calm and relaxed mood becomes evident when you tell of this island, but, just like a person, it can be very two-sided. Bad things like tribal wars and volcano eruptions do occur on occassion and the reader may get a sense of wariness; not really wanting to go to this island. You cleverly related the island to the two Wingull as you are going to tell us a story about them. It's quite an interesting introduction, to be honest. The plot is soon to be elaborated on and presumably with the characters, and you attempt to spark an interest in the reader in this one line here:

Two Wingull, a duo that barely leave each other's side, see some not so peaceful things.

dun dun dun. Yeah, as far as intros go you hit the nail on the head here, or maybe you were just winging it. Aha, I fail so much at these puns. Back to the point, it was effective and hooked me in, so I'm going to assume it did the same to other readers.

Plot:

You took a potentially-interesting story about two Wingull and made it awesome; having a story work in reverse was a really good idea. No, seriously, after reading it, I was kind of puzzled for a second, but it was executed perfectly. You first have a narator tell us about these two Wingull fighting an Aerodactyl, then there's a little bit on when they first met the Aerodactyl and then it turns back into a previous tale of the Wingull, when they were on their way to some important Pokemon meeting. This wasn't overly complicated or anything, but it really added a nice effect to the story. Perhaps, you could have worked on this storyline more by delving even farther into the past, doing something simple-- or not, and causing a chainreaction that makes the beginning, which is actually the start make sense.

Nah, the way this story was done was still quite good. If you had done all those crazy ideas (which I am so putting in one of my stories), it would have probably over-complicated the story as it's for a Simple 'mon. Just, if you decide to ever reuse this concept, take what I said into account and you could really create an awesomesauce plot for a harder-to-obtain 'mon. Good job with the plot, especially the idea.

Detail:

Alright, detail as a whole was quite good, yet scattered. You described the Wingull perfectly for the reader; taking just about every aspect of the Wingull's appearences into account, but what about the backgroun? In fairness, Cinnabar island was also done quite well, but what did the Aerodactyl look like? You pretty much had the Wingull as stereotypical Wingull, but was the Aero different than the rest? For one, I'd assume it would have been much smaller than the regular-sized ones, mainly because it wasn't described as towering over them or anything.

When using detail in stories, it is really important to mention the five senses and try your best to relate to them. I'm going to use each of the senses in a way they could each fit in with your story, just so you get a real sense of what I'm getting at.

Sight. Could the Wingull strain to see the stones poking out of the murky sea water, or did they have a magnified vision of sorts; I don't know that much about Wingull, but their beady black eyes hint at squinting .

Touch. Could the Wingull feel the strong breeze ruffling their fur, did it send a chill down their spine?
And what about the lapping waves, did the Wingull like the feeling of the cold seawater as it splashed against their fur?

Taste. Did they like the taste of the salty water, or was it off-putting.

Hearing. Could the researchers at the labs hear the horrible squawking of the Wingull as they flew around the lab in a panic?

Length:

This story concluded after 5,800 characters which is a nice length for a Simple category 'mon, albeit a little borderline. Still, it's fine for Simple to just reach the MCR in most cases so you're fine.

Battle:

The only battle in this story is the very brief one with the Aerodactyl using one move. Battles should try and be as detailed as possible-- while avoiding being too boringly detailed, as gripping and unpredictable as possible, while still maintaining a realistic and balanced (not one-sided) battle. I gave a real brief intro to a successful battle so if you want me to elaborate on this, by all means ask away through PM or IM.

Grammar:

This was definitely a good section from what I could tell. You know just about everything there is to know about what to use and what not to use. I did find one slight recurring problem though. When addressing a person or a Pokemon, well when speaking to just about anything, you put a comma (,) before their name or title.

So...

Fred look here!

would become...

Fred, look here!

The same applies to this:

Watch it bub.

making it into...

Watch it, bub.

As well as that I saw a typo or two, not too important but by using a word program, you could really reduce these so they're pretty nifty. Aside from this, you're golden Ponyboy; stay golden.

Outcome:

You had a really cool idea and you made it work well for the story. The intro and length were fine and the grammar was excellent. Put a bit more into the battles from now on, ya hear? So, yeah Wingull captured!

By the way, the title is awesome sauce