Thread: Bug Hunting

I woke up to the sensation of something wet, rough, on my face. I opened my eyes to find a large red tongue


“Get off of me Gibbs.” I mumbled as I tried to push the puppy like Pokemon off of me. He gave me his biggest puppy dog eyes, and I couldn’t say no.


“Fine,” I said as I forced myself out of bed. “I was going to get up anyway” Gibbs just barked. He was wagging his stubby tail, and ran round me like a mad dog. Gibbs has a large face at least when compared to the rest of his body. He had grey eyes and a small red nose. His face was covered in cream colored fur that stuck out all over. It was hard to see where his small mouth was. Behind the cream fur that we called a face, there were two brown ears. He had four legs with three toes at each end. Lastly there was a stub of fur for a tail, and a clump of blue fur on his back. My mom called him a lovely specimen of a Lillipup.


I yawed as I wondered what I would do today. I looked in the mirror that was set across from my bed. Well the first thing I was going to do was change into day clothes. Currently I was wearing noting more then my boxers, and I did not want a repeat of the spaghetti incident. I went to my dresser and graved my blue shorts, white shirt, and straw hat. In a few minutes I was ready for an adventure.


I headed downstairs happy to see my mother making waffles. Fact about me, I love waffles. I ran down the stairs and took my seat. In a few minutes my older sister, Tama came down as well.


“Morning,” She muttered “Coffee.” She made her way to our old machine.


“Mom,” I said “Can I have coffee?”


“No Tommy,” Mom said “You’re too young”


“But Tama get’s some!”


“Tama’s sixteen, you’re only nine” She opened the waffle iron and pulled out the waffles that were done. “I have bad news; Dad is going to be out of town for a few more weeks”


I sighed and then started eating my waffles. My dad is a business worker, and he has to be out of town a lot. Gibbs was sniffing the floor, waiting for crumbs to drop.


“He did send you both something,” Mom said as she walked over to me “For Tommy.” A small red and white ball was dropped into my lap.


“A Pokeball?” I said.


“Yup,” was my mom’s reply “Dad says you should make it count”

I nodded. I knew just what to catch with this.


“And he didn’t forget you, Tama,” Mom said as she walked over to my sister “He sent you a Poffin case!” Tama’s eyes lit up as she took the case.


“I’ve always wanted one!” Tama said as she accepted the case. “Now I can make them with Dave!”


Dave was Tama’s boyfriend he seemed like a nice guy. I don’t know much about him. Time to catch that Pokemon I wanted.


“Mom, can I go to Pinwheel forest?” I asked “I’ll take Gibbs with me.”


“Sure,” She said “Just be back before nightfall”


I got up, called Gibbs and headed out the door. I live in Nacrene City, It’s not the largest city, but we do live near the forest. I walked past the building that severed as a gym and a museum. It was early, and a Saturday, so it was pretty quiet. I saw a few people going to work, some artists panting, a few kids playing with a ball. Some of them waved at me, and gestured to join their game. I waved back, and then shook my head. I had plans today. Gibbs really wanted to play with them, but he could have killed the ball. In a few minutes I was out of the city, and walking on a small road that would take me into the real forest.

The forest was in its prime in the summer, the trees were large and leafy, and moss was every where. You could here the lager amount of cries form just walking into the place. The forest had a branching path. One way was a road that led strait to the exit. The other was a path that had twists and turns, but was really only one path. I went with the road less traveled, Pokemon hug out over there more. I turned to make sure that Gibbs was following me. He was smelling something that looked like a battery.

“Come on boy!” I yelled at him. Gibbs left his find behind as we went into the forest. I looked around for the Pokemon I wanted. I saw a millipede like pokemon scurry across the grass. I looked at a tree and saw a cotton like Pokemon trying to impress another cotton ball. None of these were the Pokemon I wanted. I looked around some more, with no luck. I punched a tree in anger, and some thing fell on to my head.

“GAH!” I yelled trying to shake it off of my head, “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!” Gibbs rammed me, and knocked me down. I checked my hat, and nothing was on it.

“Thanks, Gibbs,” I told him “when we get home, I’ll give you a chewy bone”

I looked around for what had fallen on me. A few feet away a small bug was standing, s little stunned from the fall. It had a yellow face with two knobs sticking out of the top. It had black and white eyes, and a Pac Man like mouth. Under the mouth, a white segment started, and ended a little down the body. It had a leaf right behind its head, and other leafs seem to cover its stubby body. It had six small orange knobs for feet. It was a Sewaddle.

I caught my breath this was the Pokemon I wanted. You may be curious about why I wanted one. Well a few weeks ago the Gym leader of a different town, Burgh, had come thru here. He had a Leavanny, and it was awesome! It won all the fights that it was in. I learned that Leavanny evolves from a Sewaddle, and wanted one. Now was my chance!

“Gibbs,” I said “Use tackle!” Gibbs ran at the Sewaddle, and hit it head on. The small grass type, out of its daze, summoned sharp leafs and tossed them at Gibbs. Gibbs got hit by a few of them.

“Now” I yelled “Bite!” Gibbs ran at the bug, and clamped down on the Sewaddle’s body. It made a sound that sounded like an angry yip. Sewaddle started to struggle using Struggle Bug. This knocked Gibbs off of it.

The Sewaddle looked weak, from both the fall and the fight. I took a chance and tossed my Pokeball.

Pokemon: Sewaddle
Rank: Easiest (3,000 – 5,000)
Characters: 5,850

@Joltik

Introduction/Plot:

The Intro was good for an easiest rank. You inserted the two main characters and had description of both, even though it was lacking on Tommy, which is explored below. As a grader I stress the importance of character and Pokemon detail in the beginning because you want the reader to start seeing everything and getting invested in the story. There are other methods of starting an introduction, but a detailed route has always been my favorite for stories.

What you do need to work on for your introduction does involve detail. This is Tommy’s room, because you have no detail in other than that the mirror was across from the bed. The point of including the detail is that it’s a contextual element to the story. Without background information all the reader can really see is the main character. Your job is to provide enough ‘big’ detail that the reader fills in the rest so that a complete picture is formed.

What I mean is that you should have said something about the layout of the room with some items thrown in there. Does he have a dresser and where is it? Is a closet to the left of the bed or the right? Does he have a TV on his dresser? Maybe a desk? The list of possibilities goes on. So, next time you do some writing, remember that information on where the character is is just as important as what they look like.

As for your Plot, I would say it’s typical of a new writer going for a Pokemon of this rank. Your first part of the story sets up the ending of Tommy going into the woods and randomly finding a Pokemon and battling it before attempting the capture. This method does work for new writers for stories of this rank, but in the future this will not work for harder captures. The reason is that it’s simply too boring and predictable.

As a writer you don’t want the reader guessing which direction the story will take, otherwise they get bored and move on to something more exciting. You don’t need a convoluted story-line, you just don’t want something that a reader can look at and say, I know what’s going to happen.

Beyond that, there is only one more thing that you should consider. That is battle length. Your battle with the Pokemon was very short, only two attacks apiece. I’m going to let that slide this time, but even as basic Pokemon, those two Pokemon can handle a lot more than two attacks. I would suggest you aim for about four next time. Just like before, you don’t want something short and one-sided, otherwise the reader is bored. So for next time, add some length.

Grammar:

You had a fair number of mistakes relating to your dialogue and what it needs in terms of commas and periods. Lucky for you they are easy fixes, and they were the only trends in terms of error that I noticed. So, I listed some numerous examples of what was wrong and how you can fix them.

Finally, you need to proofread your work once you’re doing. I suggest reading over it after you finish writing it, then wait a day and go back over it. Once you do that then go ahead and post, this will cut down on your errors.

“Get off of me[,] Gibbs.” I mumbled as I tried to push the puppy[-] like Pokemon off of me.

A couple of errors in this sentence, but they can be easily fixed. You need a comma before ‘Gibbs’ because the main character is speaking towards him. Furthermore, you need a dash between ‘puppy’ and ‘like’.

“Fine,” I said as I forced myself out of bed. “I was going to get up anyway[.]”

You need a period here because you are ending the dialogue.

“Morning,” [S]he muttered[.] “Coffee.”

This ‘S’ doesn’t need to be capitalized because you are using it as a dialogue tag. You also need a period at the end because you are ending that sentence and starting a new one.

“No Tommy,” Mom said[.] “You’re too young[.]”

One last time, you need to have periods here because you are ending the sentences.

Description:

Okay, you had the basics down pat. Pokemon, Pokemon attacks, and human looks. Your Pokemon descriptions were really good, well described and easy for a reader to imagine. You want a person who has never seen the Pokemon before to get a picture of what they are reading about, and you did this really well. Something to consider is that you don’t want too much text about the Pokemon, otherwise you overwhelm the reader. You didn’t do that here, but a strategy to avoid this error is to break down the description over a couple of paragraphs. For instance, you could have half of your description in the paragraph where you found the Pokemon, then include some of the extra details during the battle. You’re doing fine, but just remember there are other methods.

Now, for your human details, I would say you’re getting there, but you still need some work.

I went to my dresser and graved my blue shorts, white shirt, and straw hat. In a few minutes I was ready for an adventure.

Okay, you had the basic clothing down, which is good, but you forgot that clothing is only a piece of the detail needed. Clothing color just tells me what he wearing, but not what he actually looks like. For that you need such things as body shape, hair color and length, eye color, and once you get good enough, facial features.

Here’s an example of some of those elements.

Originally Posted by me

As I pulled on my blue shorts and white shirt I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My short black hair was in a state of disarray from sleep, with it poking every which way so much so that it looked like a porcupine was living on my head. I was also reminded of my short height, at only three-five a bunch of the other kids liked to make fun of me. My freckles and glasses didn’t help.

You don’t need as much as I wrote down, but my point is that detail is more than just clothing. As with the Pokemon you can either have one long paragraph, or you can break it down among other paragraphs.

Finally, Pokemon attacks. You only had a few attacks in the story so I can’t get a real grasp on where you fall along a skill range, but what you did have was adequate. For this, remember to describe all the Pokemon attacks. You’ll want to show the reader what the attacks look like, not just tell them. Another good method is tell of the origin of the attacks. For instance of origin, when you had the Sewaddle use Razor Leaf you just said he summoned them. What you could have done was said that the Pokemon gathered them for the ground, or he created them from energy. That is how you would do origin.

There are other avenues of detail that you can explore like senses, personality, and environment detail, but because this is an easiest rank I won’t delve into those areas. You did have elements of these things, so just continue to develop those areas.

Length:

Passed the required length, I like to see that.

Conclusion:

Well, I usually hate short stories, hence the reason I never grade them. I didn’t hate yours though. Sewaddle Captured. A well done story with only a few real errors that can be worked on and easily fixed. Most of the stuff in this grade is future oriented, stuff you should consider as you write more. Read everything and remember it for next time.