A bridge just far enough. (Ready for grading)

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Thread: A bridge just far enough. (Ready for grading)

  1. #1
    Registered Loser Omniplex's Avatar
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    Default A bridge just far enough. (Ready for grading)

    Pokemon: Magikarp (Easiest: 3000-5000)
    Characters: 4765

    Today was Ronnie's twelfth birthday. At lunch at school his friends sang happy birthday, which wasn't really very exciting. They were all out of tune, which is not surprising for a bunch of eleven and twelve year old boys, and the chocolate cupcake with sprinkles was dry. Better than the usual cafeteria fare though. Stale pizza, eww! He was really more waiting for his party this weekend. The school bus dropped him off at home at the usual time, and it wouldn't be long until Pa came home from work. Pa had promised him he would do something great today, but he didn't say what.

    As Ronnie was sitting in the kitchen casually doing his math homework, he heard the familiar knock on the door. Pa had finally come home. As Ronnie opened the door, he saw that his Pa had a pair of fishing poles in his hands. They weren't the fancy ones that Ronnie had seen on TV, the kinds that the pros used, but they were pretty nice.
    "Alright son. How would you like to take a little fishing trip? I've got everything ready."
    "Gee Pa, that would be great!"

    Pa hands Ronnie the shorter of the two poles, and carrying the tackle box the two of them set out walking on an old dirt road, surrounded by forest heading out of town. They whistle a tune to make the walk go faster, and after about half an hour, they arrive at the creek, with a rustic wooden bridge, not even wide enough for more than a single car to cross it. Excitedly, Ronnie sits at the bridge, and tries to cast his pole.
    "Ronnie, I don't reckon you should sit on the bridge. You might get hit by a car. How about that rock over there?"
    "Alright Pa. I was just getting excited that's all."

    Ronnie and his Pa walk over to a large brown splotched rock that sits on the side of the stream. The rock was wet on the bottom from the water rushing by, but on top it was dry and flat, a perfect surface for the father and son to sit and fish. The boy climbs up, and tries again to cast his pole, but to no effect. His father tousles his red mop hair, and smiles.

    "Hold on a second, son. Let me show you how. First, you've got to press down on this big button here, and you hold it back, like this."
    Pa held his long rod back behind his head, and held down the button.
    "Then you throw it forward, and release the button. You've got to release it at just the right time. Like this."

    Pa's rod whips forward, and the hook goes sailing into the creek. Ronnie tries to do the same thing, but he throws it a little too hard, and it hits the rocks on the other side of the creek. So he winds it up and tries again. This time it goes right into the river with a soft plop. The bobber floats on the surface for a second before Ronnie pulls it back up to his pole. After a couple more times, his father interrupts him.
    "You know, the fish'll never catch your hook if you don't keep it in there long enough for them to see it. Why don't you try waiting a while?"
    "What do we do while we're waiting, Pa?"
    "Well, usually I just relax, but we can talk if you like. You know, I was about your age when I got my first Pokémon."
    "Really? What kind was it? Was it your Arcanine?"
    "Oh, it was just a Rattata that my mom found in the pantry. I didn't get Kane 'till I was at the Academy. Hold on a second son, I think I've caught something."

    Pa pulls up his string, and on the end of it is a Seaking, it's white scales glistening in the sun with the water dripping from its body.
    "How abouts we save this one for supper. I bet your Aunt could cook this up real good."
    "Yeah... Wait, I think I might have something too!"
    Ronnie tugs on his string, and pulls a Magikarp out of the water.

    "All right son. How about that one, you catch?"
    "But I don't know how to catch a Pokémon."
    "It's not so hard son. Here, take my Pidgey, and attack it a couple times. Then throw a pokeball at it, and maybe you'll catch it."
    "Alright... Pidgey, use gust!"
    The little bird sets down on a rock, and flaps its wings rapidly at the fish, stirring up an eddy of wind that buffets the Magikarp, which reels and struggles in the shallow water. Instead of fighting back like any other Pokémon would, the Magikarp splashed helplessly in the water. It almost managed to get the Pidgey wet.
    "Aww. Peck at it this time Pidgey!"
    The Pidgey comes closer and pecks at the Magikarp with its sharp beak, ripping off some of its orange scales. The Magikarp flails about, its mouth opening and shutting noiselessly as it splashes but it has no effect on Pidgey.

    Pa hands Ronnie an empty Pokeball.
    "Here, try to catch it with this."
    "OK Pa..."
    Ronnie takes the ball, hefting the weight of it in his hand. He throws it at the fish struggling in the creek and feels a surge of anticipation as Magikarp disappears into the Pokeball. The ball begins to shake, and then...
    Last edited by Omniplex; 17th May 2010 at 12:43 AM.
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  2. #2
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: A bridge just far enough. (Ready for grading)

    claim

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

  3. #3
    Vampire Grader sorocoroto's Avatar
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    Default Re: A bridge just far enough. (Ready for grading)

    My first "Easiest" Grade!

    Intro:
    Happy Birthday Ronnie!

    Plot/Reality:
    Simple, but that's OK for a Magikarp. Though, I quite enjoyed the simplicity of it. A boy and his father catching fish. And I laughed at the cooking of the Seaking. Apparently it is a common occurance, though early in the anime/game/world, they did eat Pokemon.

    Length:
    Apparently my word counter is 3 less than yours... But still well within the suggested length!

    Grammar:
    Not many grammar mistakes at all. Yet, paragraphing... You should know this for future stories:

    You should start a new paragraph when a living thing actively speaks or acts. Also, on URPG, we double space, but its no big deal here. So:
    As Ronnie was sitting in the kitchen casually doing his math homework, he heard the familiar knock on the door. Pa had finally come home. As Ronnie opened the door, he saw that his Pa had a pair of fishing poles in his hands. They weren't the fancy ones that Ronnie had seen on TV, the kinds that the pros used, but they were pretty nice.
    "Alright son. How would you like to take a little fishing trip? I've got everything ready."
    "Gee Pa, that would be great!"
    Should be
    As Ronnie was sitting in the kitchen casually doing his math homework, he heard the familiar knock on the door. Pa had finally come home. As Ronnie opened the door, he saw that his Pa had a pair of fishing poles in his hands. They weren't the fancy ones that Ronnie had seen on TV, the kinds that the pros used, but they were pretty nice.

    "Alright son. How would you like to take a little fishing trip? I've got everything ready."

    "Gee Pa, that would be great!"
    Also in the future, you should include who is talking with the dialogue. It helps the reader follow when there are more than two speakers. However, if the characters start speaking one after the other for awhile, you don't need to include which is which as long as you keep it in a pattern.

    Details:
    You described the moves well; however, again for the future when writing harder stories, you should describe the Pokemon as well. Like I've been advised, imagine that the reader has never even heard about Pokemon.

    Personal Feelings:
    It was a nice quick read, and it wasn't just because it was short. It was a nice break from the 30K stories though.

    Verdict:

    "A vampire with a soul? Oh my God ... how lame is that?" - Buffy Summers [S6x08]

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