Braving the Summit (ready for grading)-comments welcome

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  1. #1
    :D Paragon's Avatar
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    Default Braving the Summit (ready for grading)-comments welcome

    Attempting to capture: Wooper
    Recomended length: 5,000-10,000
    Actual length: 10,103 characters (with spaces; not including underscores)
    Status: Ready for grading

    This is a continuing story. Because of that, there are lots of things that may be hard to understand unless you know the events of the previous story. Instead of making you read the entire previous story, I have created a summary of my character’s story so far. This summary is located in my trainer's stats page (there's a link to it in my signature). Please enjoy the story!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Warmth. Heat. Mark could think of nothing else as he slowly made his way up the snow-capped mountain. The

    wind whipped through the air, twisting and twirling into Mark’s ears, creating such a loud noise that he could not

    make out the dulled crunching sound of his feet as they collided with the hard snow. Even the heat from Cyndaquil’s

    back was not helping. Mark glanced over at Melody, who looked completely miserable. He had asked her if she had

    wanted a coat, but she had declined, insisting that it would be extremely strange to see a Pokémon wearing a coat.

    “What a strange thing to say,” Mark had thought, chuckling. “She’s a human that was turned into a Gardevoir,

    and she thinks it would be odd to wear a coat.” Snowflakes were blowing violently in the wind, smacking straight into

    their exposed faces. They could barely see more than three feet away, so coming across a building came as quite a

    shock. They were just feet in front of its back wall before they saw it.

    “A house!” cried Melody. “Heat!” She turned quickly around the corners of the home and ran straight for the

    front door. She pounded loudly against it with her numbed fist. In the short delay before anyone came to the door,

    Mark, Cyndaquil in hand, had reached the front of the house. The door opened slowly to reveal a young girl, aged six

    at the most, looking up at them with big, cute eyes. Her mother stood next to her, a gentle smile upon her face.

    “Please, come in! It’s cold out there!” said the mother. Mark and Melody did not hesitate in throwing

    themselves in the doorway, barely missing the mother and her child. Mark threw himself onto a couch, while Melody ran

    straight for the fireplace, holding her hands in front of it. She let out a relieved sigh.

    “So, why have you come to our village?” questioned the little girl, smiling pleasantly.

    “I’m a Pokémon trainer,” said Mark, sitting up. “I heard there were some strong Pokémon on this mountain.”

    “You heard correctly,” said the girl. “In fact…” she was cut off by the sound of a grandfather clock sounding

    the hour.

    “Oh, looks like it’s time!” she said.

    “Time for what?” asked Mark. Melody glanced over, and Mark could tell she was also curious. Cyndaquil would

    probably have been curious, too, had he not been curled up on Mark’s shoulder, asleep.

    “The sacrifice, silly!” she said, grinning gleefully. Mark looked puzzled. “Oh, right! You’re not from our

    village! I guess I’ll have to explain this to you, then. Follow me!” She led Mark and Melody into a back room full of

    Pokémon in cages. As the door opened, spilling a beam of light into the pitch black room, Mark saw the Pokémon in the

    cages step backward in fear. They made soft cries and their eyes were filled with horror.

    “What is this?!” Mark yelled, waking up Cyndaquil. He opened his mouth to yell again, but promptly closed it

    as he noticed one Pokémon in particular. “Wooper?!”

    “Mark?!” Wooper cried out. “Mark! Help me! These people are crazy! They’re sacrificing these Pokémon to

    something! They’re killing them, Mark! You have to save us!”

    Mark whirled on the girl, and his face reflected his rage.

    “What have you done here?!” he questioned, not quite yelling, but using a voice so powerful that he might as

    well have been. The girl’s smile did not fade.

    “Don’t get so mad, silly! It’s just how things work in this village! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just take

    this Wooper here…”

    “No!” Mark quickly stepped in front of the girl. “You’re not taking this Wooper or any of these other

    Pokémon! Now tell me, what’s going on here?!”

    “It’s simple,” she said in her cute little voice. “See, this Ho-Oh lives on this mountain. We didn’t know

    that when we made our village here, and Ho-Oh became very angry. To keep it from destroying our village, we give it a

    meal every day,” she gestured to the Pokémon in the cages. Both Mark and Melody went wide-eyed.

    “You… you feed Pokémon to that Ho-Oh?!” asked Melody, shocked.

    “Of course! It’s them or us! The job used to go to my father, and I, being his only child, was to take the

    responsibility when he died. That happened before expected, though,” her smile left her face. “Now, let me by or

    everyone in this village will die!” Mark did not move.

    “There has to be a better way!” said Mark. “There-“

    “There’s not,” said the girl. She sighed. “I didn’t want to do this, but… guards! Help!”

    “Guards?!” cried Mark and Melody simultaneously. Seconds later, two burly men stomped into the room.

    “Lock these three in the cage room for a few hours,” she said. “We wouldn’t want them being any more

    trouble.” Mark, Melody, and Cyndaquil were all thrown into the basement. Then the door was shut and locked, leaving

    the three in total darkness.

    ________________________________________


    “Sorry little guy, but it’s your turn today,” said the little girl to Wooper; her smile had returned. She

    grabbed the cage and walked out the front door, wearing clothes fit to brave a blizzard. Wooper screamed bloody

    murder, but the girl simply ignored his cries as she stepped out into the cold. The cold did not bother Wooper since

    he, like all Wooper, thrive in low temperatures. No, he had bigger things to worry about.

    ________________________________________

    “We have to get out of here!” Mark cried, pounding on the metal door. “Cyndaquil, could you help me out here?”

    “Alright, step back!” said Cyndaquil, who breathed in deeply, then let loose a gigantic flame that enveloped

    the door. Cyndaquil held out as long as possible, refusing to cease until it was impossible to continue. However,

    when the flames cleared, the door was still there, still in one piece, with only a red circle to show for all

    Cyndaquil’s work.

    “How are we going to get out of here?!” Melody said.

    “I don’t know…” said Mark, thinking hard. “I can’t think of anything.”

    “We have to do something!” said Cyndaquil.

    “I know!” said Mark. “I just can’t think of what!”

    “Excuse me,” said a small, high pitched voice. Three heads turned toward the source. “If you free us, maybe

    we could help you.” A Maril looked up at him with big, sad eyes.

    “Of course!” said Mark. “We have a room full of Pokémon! We just need to free them, and then we can escape!”

    Mark paused.

    “Thanks, Maril,” he said. “Sorry I forgot about you guys. I just…”

    “I know. You care about that Wooper. I understand,” said Maril.

    “Thanks,” said Mark, smiling.

    “Bellossom, could you help us out?” asked Melody. Bellossom nodded and walked up to each cage. She used Razor Leaf on

    all the locks, cutting them off of the cages. The doors flew open one by one, relieved Pokémon leaping out of each.

    “Thanks, Bellossom!” said Melody. Bellossom smiled. “Hey, a Dratini! Could you use Hyper Beam on the door?”

    “Sure!” said the Dratini. A ball of yellow energy appeared before its open mouth. That ball of energy then exploded

    outward into a massive yellow beam with little blue sparks of electricity coming from it. A section of the door was

    incinerated, and all the Pokémon ran into the hallway gleefully. Mark opened the front door and they all went

    charging out, the Pokémon to the bottom of the mountain and Mark, Melody, Cyndaquil, and Bellossom to the top.

    “Now, let’s go get Wooper!” Mark yelled.

    ________________________________________

    Wooper thrashed around and threw himself against sides of the cage over and over, but could not even make a

    dent. His screams of terror and agony could not be heard by the happy little girl that was carrying him toward his

    doom. Finally they reached the top of the mountain. There, Ho-Oh was waiting, a savage, hungry look in its eyes.

    Wooper stepped back in his cage, terrified. Then his cage was lowered and opened, and Wooper was tossed into the snow.

    He immediately tried to run, but the Ho-Oh swooped down in front of him, it let out a scream, then began to

    dive straight toward Wooper. Wooper closed his eyes, waiting for the end. Suddenly, a scream penetrated the air. It

    came from the Ho-Oh, who had received a Magical Leaf attack from Melody.

    “Don’t you dare hurt that Wooper,” screamed Mark, standing in front of Wooper and stretching his arms out on

    either side of him.

    “How dare you?!” cried the Ho-Oh, not acting at all surprised at Mark’s translating abilities. “I am the

    legendary Ho-Oh! No one shall stand in my way!”

    “I will not move!” screamed Mark. His eyes seemed to be reflecting his very soul; they reflected his fiery

    determination and will as clearly as a mirror reflects light.

    “Then you will die!” screamed the Ho-Oh, diving straight toward Mark, its lethally sharp beak headed straight

    for his heart. Mark did not move.

    “Get out of the way, Mark!” screamed Melody. “Don’t kill yourself!” Mark ignored her. The Ho-Oh got closer

    and closer.

    “A legendary Pokémon?! Ha! A legendary Pokémon should not house as much hatred and rage as you do! I thought

    you were supposed to be a protector! So, kill me! Kill me if you want to prove me right!” Ho-Oh did not stop, and

    Mark did not move. Then Ho-Oh’s eyes opened wide, and it stopped less than two feet from Mark’s heart. It hovered for

    a moment, deep in thought.

    “What you say is true,” it said. “I have caused much pain. These people do not deserve all this...” it paused.

    “Fine. I will leave this mountain forever. I will find a new home. This village will be harmed no more,” it

    said. With that, it flew high into the sky and left without another word.

    “You… you did it…” said the little girl. “You made that Ho-Oh leave!” Mark smiled.

    “I apologize for all that I did. I suppose killing all these Pokémon has made me numbed to the true pain that

    it causes. I hope you can forgive me,” she said with true regret. Mark smiled.

    “Of course,” he said. “And Wooper! I’m so glad you’re safe!” Wooper smiled, relieved, then walked toward Mark.

    “Um, Mark?” said Wooper.

    “Yes?” asked Mark, curious.

    “There’s something I need to ask you. I tried to ask you this after we escaped Team Rocket back at that

    headquarters, but you had already left… Mark, I… I’d like to come along with you!”

    “Really?!” Mark asked joyously.

    “So, would that be okay?” asked Wooper.

    “Of course!” said Mark, obviously very excited. A huge smile covered Wooper’s face. “Just let me see if I

    have any Poke Balls left!” Mark pulled off his backpack and checked to see if he had any with him.
    Last edited by Paragon; 10th February 2011 at 06:08 PM.

  2. #2
    Is awesome DarkShadowJake's Avatar
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    Default Re: Braving the Summit (ready for grading)-comments welcome

    Yay! This one was better than the original,but,will Ho-Oh appear again? Will Wooper get his revenge on Team Rocket? Why did Melody barely say anything? What's the next story going to be about? Anyways,hopefully it gets a good grade!
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  3. #3
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Braving the Summit (ready for grading)-comments welcome

    Cl-cl-cl-claimin! Turn and face the strain! Cl-cl-claimin! DONT WANNA BE A RICHER MAN!

    (Claimed if you couldn't tell.)
    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

  4. #4
    The Hyacinth Girl Alaskapigeon's Avatar
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    Default Re: Braving the Summit (ready for grading)-comments welcome

    Sorry this took me a couple days. :X Life got hectic.


    Intro: We've got a nice introduction here. You make sure to give us some background to your characters so we have a good idea of what we're getting into. This is one of the places in your story where you DO have good detail, so props for that. As I mention later on, it'd be nice to have a description of what your characters look like as well, but I yelled about that in the Detail section. ^^

    Plot: Mark and Melody stumble upon a village during a blizzard. Unfortunately, this village likes to sacrifice Pokemon to an enraged Ho-oh that lives at the top of the mountain. The villagers try to sacrifice a Wooper and Mark responds by freeing all the other Pokemon, then climbing the mountain to confront Ho-oh. This was slightly anticlimactic. Rather than have a battle to end all battles, Mark convinces it to stop the practice of eating Pokemon (which it has been doing for years) with about maybe a minute of conversation. Then the Wooper decides to go with him. A pretty interesting plot, but your story was lacking...something. Let me put it this way. Have you ever taken one of those state English tests that have all the little stories in them? This was like one of those. It was written in a professional manner, had few grammatical errors, and there wasn't anything glaringly obvious that was wrong with it. Yet...they lack something. That's what this is like.

    On a side note, I'd like to point out that Mark is something of a Gary Stu. Everyone likes him from the beginning, he gets out of trouble very easily, convinces Ho-oh to leave with almost no effort, and then gets a Wooper out of the whole thing. However, seeing as Pokemon's star, Ash Ketchum, is the lord and master of all Gary Stu's and this seems to be a story based on the anime, we can let this sort of thing slide in stories for simple Pokemon.

    Dialogue: It's not too bad, it's not too good. It flows fine and doesn't interrupt the story, so you're fine.

    Grammar:

    “What a strange thing to say,” Mark had thought, chuckling. “She’s a human that was turned into a Gardevoir, and she thinks it would be odd to wear a coat.”
    You should always try to figure out a way to indicate thought that's not quotation marks, because otherwise it gets confusing.

    Melody glanced over, and Mark could tell she was also curious.
    No need for a comma there.

    Maril
    That's Marill, with two l's.

    Other than just these few things, your grammar was excellent. ^_^ This makes me a HAPPY GRADER. Just keep writing and reading and you'll be fine. ;D

    Detail: You really don't do much in the way of describing your characters or their Pokemon. X_X You NEED to have detail. Even a brief description can tell us something about your character. For example, if Mark was wearing nothing but a t-shirt and jeans, we'd know he was very naive, even foolish. If you wanted to convey something different about his personality, he'd be wearing gear he could use to get up freakin' Mt. Everest. Also, now that there are over 500 (9000....sorry, bad habit) Pokemon, it's always nice to provide a short description of them, to remind everyone what they look like. If it helps, pretend like you're describing them to someone who has never seen one before. In addition, work on describing the location. I'm sure you could give a FANTASTIC image of the village or the mountain itself. So yeah, try to do more with this in the future.

    Length: You needed 5k and you had a little over 10k, so you're perfectly fine.

    Reality: There's nothing overly unrealistic. Just....if a Bellossom could slice through metal bars with Razor Lead, why couldn't any of the other Pokemon free themselves? X_X Not even the really powerful ones like Dratini.

    Personal Feelings: Overall, this wasn't a bad story, and I think that with some practice you could be a good writer. You need to work on your detail and maybe plan out your plot a little bit before hand. There's a Mary Sue/Gary Stu test out on the internet. I've seen it before. Maybe use that too?

    Outcome: Wooper....captured.

    You need a little bit of work, but overall, you earned a simple Pokemon, so have fun with it!

    I speak four languages, help me practice please
    Hablas conmigo en español, por favor
    Vous parlez avec moi en français, s'il vous plaît
    我正在学中文

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