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  1. #1
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    Default Box | Ready

    Ready for grading.
    This story was rather experimental. I am far from convinced that the experiment was successful, but I haven't written anything original in a while, so here it is.

    Word Count: 23965
    Pokemon: Abra (HARD 20k-30k)

    *

    i am in a box
    the box is small
    the box is cold
    the box is dark
    i do not like the box

    *

    i am sad

    *

    i do not like the food
    the food is dry
    so i have to drink from the water pipe
    toe food is in a big heap
    but i cant see the heap
    because it is dark
    food is stuck to my hands
    what does the food look like
    what do my hands look like
    i cant see
    the box is dark

    *

    the box is quiet
    i am breathing
    i can hear me
    but i cant hear anything else
    only me

    *

    voices
    voices outside the box
    i can hear
    its hard
    they are talking
    i think they are talking about me
    now they are gone
    come back

    *

    i fell asleep again
    i like to sleep
    it is better than the box
    i can dream
    dreams have lights
    and it is warm
    and there is no box
    now i am dreaming
    what will be in my dream
    sometimes i see a city
    above the city is the sun
    i like the sun
    it is bright and warm
    when i am awake i want to see the sun
    but i dont see anything
    because of the box
    here is the dream
    the dream is purple
    why is the dream purple
    it is all purple and swirly
    i dont see anything and

    Hello, there. Who are you?

    what
    a dream voice

    You must be a fellow psychic. It looks like we both happened to be asleep at the same time and the dream-telepathy kicked in. Whaddaya know.

    i dont understand

    The feel of your mind... you seem rather young. What's your name, little one?

    my name
    i
    sometimes i hear voices
    outside the box
    they call me sub ject one a
    so that is my name

    "Subject 1A..." Doesn't sound quite right to me. Maybe you can pick a real name if you want to. What species are you?

    i dont understand

    Okay. What shape are you?

    i felt myself before
    i have legs
    i have a tail
    i have two pointy ears
    i am furry

    Is there anything on your face?

    i have a nose

    What color are you?

    i cant see

    Strange. Do you spend a lot of time asleep?

    yes
    i am sleeping now

    Okay, it looks like you're an Abra. That explains the telepathy; Abra are especially strong in the head. Hello, little Abra. I hope you choose a name soon.

    whats your name

    Oh, I never introduced myself! I'm sorry. My name is Princess, and I am a Gardevoir. Here's a mental image of what I look like.

    princess

    So my Trainer was six years old when she named me, all right? It's perfectly reasonable for something like that to happen!

    princess is a nice name
    you are pretty
    like a princess

    Wow, you really are young. If you're an Abra and you're only at this stage of development, you must be almost newly hatched. Too innocent to be cynical, huh?

    you say strange things
    but you are nice

    Thank you, I guess. Say, tell me... how's your life going? The fact that you've got a number for a name doesn't seem like a good sign.

    my life
    im not sure

    Where do you live? In a Pokemon research laboratory, like with one of the famous Professors?

    i live in a box
    and it is dark in the box
    it is cold and the box is small
    and i dont like the box

    That does not sound good at all. Can you tell me what else is in the box? If you can't see, feel around. Since you're an Abra, you should be able to move even if you're asleep.

    i feel
    i feel the pile of food
    i do not like the food
    i feel the water pipe
    i feel walls
    four walls right next to me
    the box is small
    i feel lumps on the wall
    i feel a board
    it has thin flappy things on it
    i feel me
    i am cold

    Very good. You said you can't see, right? But you can breathe?

    i breathe a lot
    and i cant see anything

    I see. You should try to make light. Then you can see.

    make light
    how

    You can use your psychic energy. I'd teach you, but I think it's time for me to wake up now. My Trainer's alarm clock will go off in a few minutes.

    but

    Listen, I'll get back in touch with you, kid. Just wait until tonight. Hang in there. If it turns out you're really in a bad situation, I'll get you out of there. Somehow.

    and then i can see the sun
    i wonder what the sun is really like

    Awww, man. You really do have it bad, don't you?

    but i want to see the sun
    i dont like the box

    I don't think I like the box, either. But I really have to go. Sit tight and we'll see what happens when I go back to bed tonight. See you later!

    wait
    come back
    princess
    i am sad

    *

    Hello?

    purple dream?
    purple dream means the princess is here

    I see your language's starting to develop past the vocabulary you get from instinct! Very good! You'll even pick up more words from hearing me talk, too.

    what?

    Never mind, it isn't important.

    okay
    you came back
    i'm glad

    And I'm glad you're still there. Let's work on that light tonight, okay?

    okay
    how?

    Abra is a Psychic-type species of Pokemon. That means that you're psychic! I am Psychic-type, too.

    what is psychic

    You can do things with the power of your mind. You can move things without touching them, attack your enemies without looking like you're doing it, and talk to people inside their heads. You can also maybe teleport out of the box, but I don't think you're strong enough yet. I'd teleport to you, but I don't think there's enough room in the box.

    no room?

    I'm at least twice your size. I wouldn't fit in there.

    youre big

    I'm a grownup. Mostly.

    okay

    So we're going to make light, right? You're going to gather up a lot of psychic energy, mind energy, in your right hand. If it happens right, your hand should start to glow purple.

    purple
    like this dream?

    Yes, psychic energy is purple! Nobody knows why.

    so the dream is psychic

    Exactly. Now, I want you to wake up and try to make the light. I should be able to keep my mind connected to yours.

    okay
    i am waking up
    its dark again
    princess
    princess?
    princess is gone
    maybe she will come back if i dream
    but i want to try the light
    power
    power power mind power
    in the hand
    more!
    try harder
    power
    wow
    it is warm and tingly
    it is
    it is bright and purple
    pretty
    i can see now.
    i can see colors
    i am yellow
    bad food is brown
    box is shiny and gray
    black lumps on wall
    i see shiny water bottle and the pipe
    i see the board
    it is brown and the flaps are white
    with little black bits on them.
    colors
    colors!
    i
    i am tired
    the power ran out
    it is dark again
    i am tired and i will sleep
    its the purple dream
    the princess dream

    You're back! How'd it go?

    i made the light
    and i saw things
    but it ran out quick.

    And you sound absolutely exhausted. That's strange. That shouldn't have been tiring, even for a youngster like you. And the fact that I lost contact when you woke up... this doesn't sound good.

    the box is not good
    the box is bad

    Can't argue there. So let's go over what you saw. Try to imagine in your mind the picture of what you saw, so I can take a look at it, too.

    here it is
    what i saw

    I see. Very good! You've got an excellent visual memory. You're going to be very smart when you grow up!

    wow

    "Wow" is right. You'll be a good psychic some day. Let me tell you what you saw.

    okay

    It looks like you're part of a laboratory experiment. The box is made of metal so you can't see outside or escape. You have food and one of those drinking bottles they use in animal experiments. The board leaning against the wall is a clipboard. There are things written on it. It's a bit blurry so I can't read what's on the clipboard, but we can work on that. I think that if we read the clipboard, we can figure out where and you are. If someone left it here by mistake, it's probably related to your experiment.

    i dont understand

    You will soon. What we need to do now is get a close look at that clipboard. Even though you can't read, I can. We can figure it out together.

    okay
    let's try

    *

    Fourth night, third try. You doing all right in there?

    it's still cold
    and I'm lonely
    and the food pile is smaller

    Aww. Don't worry, I'm here for you. Whenever I'm asleep. We'll get you out somehow. So, did you get a closer look this time?

    I had light for a few minutes
    and then it went out
    maybe you can read the clipboard now.

    Let's try.

    i saw it like this

    Wow! You really captured it that time. I can read the letters now. Third time's the charm, huh? Hold it in your mind and I'll read.

    okay.
    i am remembering
    I am holding
    princess?

    Oh. Oh, dear.

    princess?

    This is a monstrosity! An atrocity!

    monstrosity?
    i dont understand

    I'll try to explain. You deserve to know. You... you are part of a scientific experiment. They've put you in a Schrodinger's box!

    what's that
    will schrodinger let me out?

    The box is named for a scientist named Schrodinger. It doesn't belong to him; he lived long ago. The Schrodinger's box is a thought experiment. My Trainer, she goes to college. Sometimes I read her textbooks when I'm bored, and one of them talked about this. They say: imagine that there's a cat in a box. You put in a gun that goes off after a random amount of time and aim it at a bottle of poison. If you close the box, is the cat alive or dead?

    I
    i am the cat?
    i am going to be poisoned?

    You're fast. It's kind of like that, but not really. Schrodinger's cat is an example of things not being decided until somebody goes to look at them. Schrodinger said that until you opened the box, the cat was both alive and dead, and nobody would know until somebody had a look. The experiment was so simple that nobody actually had to do it outside their imagination, so we call it a thought experiment. So no cats had to die.

    but i am in the box
    am I imaginary
    are you imaginary? Maybe I imagined you.

    No. Don't say that. Both of us are quite real, kid. And that's the problem. Somebody got the idea of replacing the cat with a Pokemon. Schrodinger chose a cat because it's not smart like a Meowth or a Skitty. It can't observe things. But whoever ran this experiment thought: what happens if the cat becomes able to observe in the middle of the experiment? And so they put a newborn Abra in a Schrodinger's box setup with an actual pistol and bottle of poison gas to wait until it reached intelligence. You. They put a Shiftry outside on guard duty so that its Dark-type abilities would disrupt your telepathy and teleportation as well, so you can't escape. It's only in dreams that you're able to reach out to the outside world. It's absolutely awful.

    i am going to be poisoned
    i am trapped in the schrodingers box and I am going to die.

    W... what's worse, you're only the first. That's why they call you Subject 1A. If your experiment runs smoothly, they're going to make a hundred boxes and stick a hundred Abra inside so they can run a "distribution analysis." Every day, they'll open ten boxes and see how many Abra have died and how many have reached intelligence. They want... they want to see if there's any interesting patterns in how many Pokemon die! Like the diffraction patterns from the double-slit experiment, they said!

    oh no
    i am sad
    and angry
    what am I going to do

    You mean what are we going to do. There are two of us, kid, and I'm not letting you die on me. I think we can disable the poison apparatus. If you move the gun out of the way, it won't shoot the bottle.

    so i won't die

    You can't die. That would be too awful for words. But... I'm here to protect you. Okay, I'm going to put a diagram in your mind. The clipboard told us what goes where, so now we know what to do. Do you see?

    i see
    you want me to pull the gun out?

    That's right. If we can disconnect it from the radioisotope detector, it won't shoot. With that Shiftry outside, you probably won't be able to use telekinesis. Just grab it with your hands and disconnect the blue wire, and then the diagrams go on from there.

    okay
    i will wake up now and try it.

    *

    Are... are you there?

    hi, Princess.
    I am here.

    Thank goodness! What happened? I never heard back from you, and I wondered if you'd even be there to make contact tonight.

    I am fine i am not very strong so it took a long time to fix the gun.
    It was easy to move it out of the way, but the wires and brackets were hard to cut

    But you got it?

    i got it! The gun is lying on the floor. I took the bullets out

    You managed to diassemble the gun? That's really impressive.

    i didnt have anything to do after I fixed the gun. I got bored

    Your speech is improving too. Soon you'll be thinking in real paragraphs.

    thanks!

    So... if I remember, there's a second page on that clipboard. Let's read that today. It might have more information.

    Okay. I will break contact to use my light on it
    I wake up it is still cold and dark but I am stronger now. I can make light for a long time before i have to fall asleep again
    power, warmth, light in my hand
    Both hands, this time. Brighter.
    I flip the page. More words Someday i should ask Princess to teach me to read.
    I see the second page. it has a picture of somebody on it. Yellow, like me
    i go back to sleep.
    Back to the purple

    That was fast! Can you show me?

    Here it is!

    Oh, that's great! This is a datasheet that tells us all about you. Like you said, you're called Subject 1A by these people. You're female. Hey, did you know that you're fifteen days old? That's just about two weeks!

    I'm still very little?

    That's right. It looks like I first met you on the ninth day, and before that you probably already had a few days of sentience. Abra develop quickly. Must be all that sleep.

    How fast?

    [color=white]An Abra, properly raised, would be almost at maximum intelligence at week two. I know one who evolved into a Kadabra by the time he was twenty days old. You're a bit behind because you had no friends, but you'll catch up.[/white]

    no friends?
    I have no friends?

    I said "had." Who's talking to you right now?

    Oh.
    thank you

    It's nothing.

    Is there anything else about me

    Not much. The image on the paper is a photograph of you, so now you know what you look like. There's some boring measurement stuff like weight and height, but... ah, here's something. You hatched from an egg that was scavenged from somewhere in the north part of town. Since Abra and its related species like to live in abandoned buildings, the egg wasn't difficult to find.

    town? What town

    I live in Vermilion City with my Trainer. My guess is that since you're close enough to touch my mind even with a Dark-type nearby, you must be in the city as well. You're probably really near to our apartment building, too, and since we live by the docks... you know, you must be in one of the warehouses down in the freight-shipping district! Oh, man, it's going to be hard to find you.

    You're coming for me?

    Heavens, you thought I wouldn't? I don't leave my friends behind. It's the trademark of the Gardevoir, they say: always there for loyalty and protection.

    Really?

    Would I ever lie to you? Tell you what. A Pokemon Ranger lives in the same apartment building as I do. I'll contact his team and see what they think. We'll take this to the humans if we have to, too.

    Can't we talk to the humans now

    You're in there because of humans. I'm not sure who to trust at the moment, so let's keep it in the Pokemon community for now.

    what are humans like?

    Humans are amazing. They have this thing called the Pokemon League, and you have no idea how much it affects the lives of us Pokemon...

    *

    Hey, little lady!

    Princess! Yay!

    Good to see you're all right. So listen. I got in touch with these guys from the Rangers. They say that a Team Rocket scientific group is known to be hiding out in the city somewhere, and you're probably caught up in whatever it's doing.

    What's Team Rocket?

    A bunch of low dirty criminals. They have to be absolutely heartless, if they're not insane, to do what they're doing to you. The Ranger Pokemon have sworn to get you out. They said they were going to talk to their boss.

    So we're going to talk to the humans after all?

    Guess so. If there's anybody you can trust, you know it's the Pokemon Rangers.

    When will they come?

    Don't know yet. One of them's a psychic like us. He said he'd try to get in touch with you.

    Oh, there you are, Princess! I was waiting for you to start talking so I could know what to listen for.

    What is this new voice? It sounds like a male. Princess told me what males sound like, and I think this is one.

    Hello there, young lady. My name is Visigoth, I'm a Ranger Pokemon, and I'm here to help you. Now, I'm going to try and get a lock on the two of you. You're at home, Princess?

    That's right. Trainer's got a midterm, so she decided to stay home tonight and cram.

    Good. I'm riding a Fearow right now, and we're going to do some aerial triangulation. It's a navigation technique where we fly around town to see which directions your voices are coming from, then we calculate where you are. Just sit tight and keep talking and let us do the math.

    Princess taught me a little math. It's hard!

    Hey, it's not so bad once you're better at it.

    But I learned something bad with math.
    My food pile isn't very big anymore. I think it will only last two more days.
    I look at the water bottle. It is almost empty, too. Maybe also two days. That is hard math.

    So we have two days to get you out. That shouldn't be a problem once we know where you are.

    Well, I think I've narrowed it down. Give me a moment to contact a teammate of mine and he'll infiltrate.

    Infiltrate? What does that word mean?

    It means to sneak in. We don't have a warrant, but, you know, we're Pokemon and we're off duty. So... you seem to be in a warehouse somewhere. My teammate will make contact with you in just a moment.

    I don't feel anything in my mind.
    The air grows cold. I bring energy into my hand to make light so I can see what's happening.
    A dark cloud suddenly appears from the side of my cage. I jump.
    The cloud looks at me and makes noises.
    What on earth is it?

    Mike must have arrived. He's a Haunter, which is a species that can pass through walls. He's not psychic, though, so he can't talk in minds. What's he saying?

    I don't know if Mike the Haunter is saying anything. He just makes a lot of noises. Mike looks at me. He somehow seems annoyed, but I don't know how I can tell.

    That's Pokemon language. You don't understand him?

    No. I don't make noise, so I don't know that making noises is a kind of language.

    Good heavens. Being cooped up in there with no one to talk to since you were born has made you mute. We've got to get you out.

    Mike stops making noises. I look at him closer. This is the first time I've ever seen another Pokemon face-to-face. He is like a cloud of smoke with two hands, eyes, and mouth. I think he is frowning at me. I wonder if I should make some noise back? Maybe it will mean something.

    Nah, that's probably a bad idea at this point. Who knows what you might say?

    I've got a much better idea. Ranger Pokemon have a special sign language. I shall send you mental images of each sign I'd like you to make. Use your hands. Ready?

    Okay. Colors and pictures come into my head. The Ranger Pokemon is not green and white like Princess or yellow like me. Instead, he is black with a purple face and black paddles on the side of his head. His body is a tall stack and comes with white bows. Maybe he looks more like a princess then Princess does, based on the fairy tales she told me the other day. I can see his arms move, making the signs he was talking about.

    These signs mean 'I am in psychic contact with the rest of the squad.' Make them, then let me see through your eyes for whatever he says.

    I see and copy the signs. They look funny. Mike looks at me making the signs and makes some back. There are quite a lot of them.

    Excellent... 'Acknowledged. Mission status nominal. Stealth preserved. Location details: Small room, two guards, Shiftry, objective is box on shelf. Box touching outer wall on north side. Probable total thickness: two inches. Access from street outside.' Sign this back: 'Acknowledged. Extract yourself and return to base.'

    I make the signs again. Mike's face changes. I think he is smiling. He disappears through the wall.

    Okay, we're good. So long as they don't move you, we can get you out easy. I should tell you now that we might be pulling out out on very short notice. Once we report this to the city police, they're probably going to stage a raid as soon as possible. I or Princess will contact you again when that happens.

    You know, you should get some rest. We need to be ready for anything.

    I agree. It is a good thing that I am good at sleeping.

    *

    I am dreaming. It is the sun dream again. This time, I see clouds and Pokemon flying high in the sky. I think that talking to other Pokemon has put some of these pictures back into my mind.

    A Pokemon lands on the ground in front of me. It is black and has white bows and fins on the side of its head. I think it might be wearing a dress. Princess showed me what dresses look like.

    Goodness, no. I'm male!

    That is a familiar color in my mind. This is... this is Visigoth!

    Yes, I'm Visigoth. Good to see you again. My species name is Gothitelle, and unfortunately, we all look like girls. It can get embarrassing. Anyway, I need you to wake up in a moment. The metropolitan police got a warrant and they're closing in now. We've been authorized to snatch you away before you get caught up in any possible fighting. What's going to happen is we're going to drill a very small hole in the wall so nobody notices. The hole will go all the way into your box, and then we'll use a Poke Ball to suck you through the hole.

    I am worried. Princess said that Poke Balls were like boxes. I don't want to leave this box just to be stuck in another one.

    Don't be silly. You can break out of a Poke Ball if you really want to. It just takes a little effort. Wait until we get to safety before bursting out, though.

    Okay, but I'm not sure about this.

    Out of time. We borrowed a Beedrill from the Diglett's Cave ranger patrol. He's starting the drilling now.

    I wake up. There is a grinding sound beside me. I move away, and a white pointy thing bursts through the wall. It stops spinning and disappears. I move to look through the wall and a red light jumps through it and swallows me...
    Last edited by Taras Bulba; 5th March 2011 at 06:49 PM.
    I grade things for the URPG.

    New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
    Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
    Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
    Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES

  2. #2
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Box | Ready

    Intriguing.

    iClaim.

    The grade will take one to two weeks.
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

  3. #3
    Dance in the ashes Dragoness's Avatar
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    Default Re: Box | Ready

    Introduction:

    It does what an intro should do. It catches my interest, moves me right into the story, and introduces me quickly to a main character. Sweet.

    First off, it's a good flow you have. Five little sentences, about the same length with similar words. Eases you into the rest gently.

    And it does a great thing: it makes the reader ask questions! Questions are good great. Because a question is usually in a pair and the second half to a question is the answer. If the reader is asking questions right off the bat, then they will want answers and you have them hooked.

    "What is this? Who is this? Why are they in a box? Who put them in the box? Are they being starved? How are they going to escape? What is going on? ect."

    <3 <3 <3 Great introduction.
    --
    Structure/Grammar/Dialogue:

    You deviated from the usual paragraph format and used grammar/spelling to show evolution of your character. Niiice. It might piss off some grammar worshipers, but I've found ignoring them is the best policy. Stephen Fry says it all when it comes to grammar nazis.

    I understood why you used grammar as you did, which I hope relieves any apprehension, or wonder or whatnot that you had. Given that this is all thinking and communicating through thinking/dreaming, then it makes sense that the young and totally uneducated Abra would be dream speaking in a poor way. It's not quite the same as spoken dialogue. You adjusted Abra's grammar to fit her development at a pretty good pace. You're probably nail it perfectly if you keep practicing.
    --
    Description:

    It's interesting - description runs through the whole story, but in a unobtrusive, barely there way. And really it fits with the story. You're dealing with pretty much no narration, just thoughts and dialogue. And all these thoughts and half the dialogue comes from a baby who is trapped in a tiny, dark box. You shouldn't be seeing storms of details or lush descriptions.

    Yet something is...I don't want to say lacking, because the story can stand on its own feet without it, but it's just not there. It didn't catch on the first time I read the story because at its heart it's just a good story. But I was reading the story, I wasn't seeing it, if you know what I mean. Visualization. Yes, the box is dark and cold and the food isn't worth two pennies. I can imagine that the Abra is indeed sad when Princess leaves and I can rely on my own knowledge and experience to feel sadness and a little anger for the Abra. But that's the extent of it, really.

    Because my experience of what is cold, what is dark, what is sad is different from everyone else and I have my own range and levels of feelings and emotions. Granted - and this is the catch - you are writing from the mind of a young, inexperienced Abra, so writing from that PoV shouldn't be too advanced - and it does get a little more detailed as Abra matures. But it's still dry.

    What do you do about it? I don't know, you're the caretaker of the story. You don't have to do anything - as I said, it can stand quite comfortably as it is. You can add a few strong sentences - perhaps Abra is shivering, the cold is starting to rot from the inside out or maybe we take a closer look at how Abra is feeling. Not just a sum word of 'despair' or 'sadness' but a real look at how Abra is feeling.

    I want to stress that the story, as it is, is interesting and overall fine. The descriptive areas of it can stand on their own - not even sub par, but as their own entity. The concept of a story being a little dry and at times flat in its description with a reason - that reason being the main character is not capable of much more - is, to me at least, a bit refreshing.

    Yet we don't know what Abra is capable of, so you can add a little more and work to get the reader more involved and more emotionally and visually connected with Abra. It's up to you. (And I need not mind you, my observations are a bit subjective :P A second opinion never hurts).
    --
    Plot:

    Here you hit and you missed. The gist of the plot I loved - an Abra caught in a mad scientific experiment! What's she gonna do? Well, she uses her psychic powers to receive help. That much is crystal clear and simple enough. But now and then you tread into murky water.

    The science of Pokemon is flexible enough to allow a great many ideas take root and grow. All of the things you had happen in Box are believable. The Abra knowing from birth words and being able to communicate these words psychically is a little of a stretch, but I'm willing to take the leap. And while this flexibility is great, it can simultaneously be a pain in the arse. Because when you tinker with things just a little, it can leave the reader wondering if you've tinkered with anything else in the Pokemon world and what should they expect.

    See, there are no real glaring plot holes - well, there is half a plot hole (is half a hole even possible?), but I'll get to that later. No large bundle of loose ends, not really. Little things came to mind, but they are more of a nit picking variety than anything else. Like I know that Team Rocket isn't made of geniuses, but why pick a Psychic Pokemon? You can use the Dark to cancel it out, yes. But then you leave yourself open to Abra communicating with other Pokemon in dreams - or does Team Rocket not know that Abras can talk through dreams? Perhaps I've over thinking it, but wouldn't it be easier (no special guards, for example) to just not use Psychic types and stick to Meowths? 'course, you probably just wanted the Abra xD

    The biggest thing I saw was that the reason why was never filled in. Why is Team Rocket doing this experiment? I mean, it's just something you kind of want to know. You can live without knowing, but it'd be nice if the reader did have their curiosity filled.

    Also, when Princess is telling Abra about how 'amazing' humans are, I find it kind of funny that Abra didn't question that. Maybe she's not that advanced yet, but I would think that she would say 'Hold on a second! Humans are trying to kill me, this Schrodinger is talking about killing cats and you say humans are bloody amazing?'

    Your interpretation of Schrodinger's Box was just right on. I don't see people openly base their (fiction) writings on real world theories very often. Your explanation of it was also clear and concise :D I picked a little at a few details in the plot (and hopefully explained why I was picking) but overall you did a great job.
    --
    Length:
    I counted 21,820 thereabouts.
    --
    Capture: Abra captured! You worked hard on this, it was rather creative and it was just a good story.

    FYI:

    1. The white text was hard as rock to see >.< I'm using the default-o pale green skin, so I had to highlight everything in order to read the story.

    2. You have a broken color bracket. Just ctrl + S "White" and you should find it about halfway down the story.

    3. No name was ever picked for Abra :o Bad, Taras, bad :P

    4. Question for yeh: how do you define a story as being 'successful'? You said you didn't think was successful, so I'm curious ;)
    Faith
    ...
    Siggie by Dragoness, aka me | Married 2 Noble One

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