Bounce, Bounce

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  1. #1
    YOLO Fossil Fusion's Avatar
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    Default Bounce, Bounce



    Rainbow Canyon Chronicles: Part B Section 1 - Enter Aarron & Lisa

    “Wow, that Pokemon has a nice jewel,” a voice shouted. “I am going to grab it!” This man had a deep voice, which echoed across the forest. It was a shady forest, surrounded by many tall trees. Similarly, overgrown bushes suffocated the forest’s light and made the atmosphere murkier. A small, black pig Pokemon with a small sphere like jewel above its head bounced on the shadowy grass slowly. This Pokemon’s spring underneath its body kept it bouncing like a ball and its name was Spoink.

    “Go, Rattata,” the male trainer shouted. The rat Pokemon had sharp piercing fangs and had shady, purple fur. It was ready to battle and scuffed the murky grass for a moment. Its trainer had smooth, black trousers with shiny, silver boots on his feet. Similarly, the trainer had a black vest top on with the letter “R” on it. The letter was in a crimson colour. Spoink jumped from one part of the murky grass to another and then shivered for a moment…

    “Rattata, use Tackle!” The “R” trainer shouted. Rattata dashed towards the small pig and threw itself towards Spoink. The Psychic Pokemon fell backwards into the grassland and fell to the floor. Spoink then hoofed itself up using its spring and then shook its protective jewel quickly. Rattata jumped up once more off the floor and then soared through the murky atmosphere… Suddenly a bright, blast of energy shafted in the direction of the purple. It bounced off quickly and then smashed into a tree… Gloomy leaves fell from the tall tree and fluttered over the rat.

    “Yikes, return Rattata!” Rattata’s trainer shouted. A flash of crimson light retrieved the injured rat to its Pokeball and then he quickly ran off through the tall trees. Meanwhile, Spoink giggled and then hopped on the spot repeatedly. Suddenly the trees rattled violently through a strong gust of wind… Leaves poured everywhere around Spoink and rested onto the murky, bladed ground. Small pig then bounced towards the overgrown bushes and then rustled through them. Its small jewel on its head started to glow a powerful gold colour… Was this Spoink special?

    Meanwhile, in a nearby village across Rainbow Canyon was where goods were exported from because the weather was nice and sunny. However, only certain crops could be grown in this small village. This village was known as Cactine Village. Cactine Village was well known for flower arranging and the export of crops to other villages across Rainbow Canyon.

    “Did you hear about the Spoink with the gold jewel?” A female voice said to someone.

    “That must be false,” a male voice replied. “Spoink always have silver jewels!” The boy was a short person with a bright, yellow t-shirt and short brown hair. He had lived in Cactine Village for 15 years now along with his family. His name was Aarron and had the desire for Grass Pokemon. Aarron was currently talking to his sister who was a Psychic Pokemon specialist.

    “Only one way to find out,” she said to Aarron. This girl’s name was Lisa. Lisa had long, brown hair that exceeded her shoulders and wore a shiny, crimson top. She brushed down her blue jeans and looked into the Cactine sky. It beamed brightly with light and reflected the oceanic sky to the village.

    Among the village were many small houses, which were all coloured in green paint. This resembled the emerald of Rainbow Canyon and reflected their exporting culture. Similarly, a mass number of green houses mirrored the sun’s bright rays, into the sky. This helped grow the crops effectively for export.

    “Hey, Lisa,” Aarron turned quickly to Lisa whilst next to short, emerald bush. “How about we investigate this Spoink?” He waved his hands to grab Lisa’s attention and then smiled. His sister had been in Cactine Village for 19 years and knew every place in this part of the Canyon.

    “I was hoping you would say that,” Lisa said and smiled. “I was hoping to capture its jewel and make a necklace out if it.” She quickly grabbed her crimson, rucksack and slipped it onto her back. A tiny map was slipped out of the bag and whipped beneath her eyes. The sun shone brightly over her cascaded brown hair and then Aarron dashed next to his sister.

    “Oh no…” Aarron worriedly said. “That forest is where I got kidnapped before!” His face turned scared and then he started to bite his nails. Lisa looked at her brother with a disgusted look and then slapped him. SLAP!

    “Snap out of it,” Lisa shouted. “That was 10 years ago. Besides nobody goes into Psyching Forest often.” Lisa quickly brushed her hair back and then looked at a path between two houses. The houses shadowed the pathway and she walked towards it. Aarron suddenly picked up his blue bag from the shiny grass and caught up with his sister.

    “One question,” Aarron said. “How are we going to get Spoink out?” He propped up his chin and his eyebrows slightly rose.

    “That is easy,” Lisa said, and smiled. “I have my own Spoink remember?” Lisa walked quickly between the houses and then saw another murky pathway in front of her. The shadowy path led to Psyching Forest, which was surrounded by tall, damp trees and untidy bushes. Aarron slowly walked behind her and then still questioned how Lisa’s Spoink would be able to help in this.

    “I still do not get it,” the younger trainer said whilst his hands rested on his head. “I know Spoink could make friends with it. However, I doubt it would give away its jewel just like that!” Aarron had a confused look, which was shadowed by the hierarchy of woodlands.

    “Oh just shut up and keep walking,” Lisa shouted at Aarron. Suddenly a Pokeball was shafted on to the murky floor, and a flash of red light beamed out a creature. A Spoink appeared similar to the special piggy. However, this black furred Pokemon had a pink sphere above its head. A cold breeze flushed throughout the forest and buffeted the piggy Pokemon. It bounced on the spot continuously because if it did not… It would die. Lisa knelt down to her Psychic Pokemon’s level and stroked its nose. Spoink giggled for a moment and as it coveted its trainer with love.
    “What’s the rustling sound in those bushes?” Aarron asked. The overgrown bushes started to wobble and a gloved hand appeared from underneath the bush… It clawed the floor and turned up dirt. Lisa and Aarron looked in shock because it was unexpected. Spoink on the other hand bounced towards the clawing hand and sprung on it repeatedly…

    “Ow…” A voice screeched. Suddenly another hand appeared from underneath the bush and scraped the murky grass. A man pulled himself up through the shrubs and stood tall within the forest. The cold wind rustled the forestland leaves cascaded from the large trees to the murky ground. The man wore black leather clothing and shiny silver boots. He also had a crimson “R” printed on to his leather jumper.

    “Are you alright?” Lisa asked and walked over towards the man. “What happened?” She had a suspicious look on her face and wondered where she had seen the man’s face before.

    “HALT!” He shouted. “I am Jugo, and I did not ask to be helped okay.” Jugo seemed angry and stamped his foot onto the ground. He looked like he just lost a battle of some sort. Spoink bounced towards the “R” trainer and rubbed its jewel against his leg…

    “Spoi,” Spoink squeaked. Jugo then glared at the baby bounce Pokemon. Suddenly, he pulled out a net and threw it over Spoink. The net sparked electricity and stunned the poor Psychic Pokemon. It was weakened to the floor and slowly bounced under the net. Jugo laughed hysterically because the piggy Pokemon could not use any Psychic attacks, under his special capture net. Cold air flushed throughout the forest and Lisa’s shocked face. Her only Pokemon was mistakenly captured and in trouble.

    “No Spoink,” Lisa shouted. “Why capture it?” Lisa angrily shook her fist and then pointed at Jugo. She then had no other Pokemon to battle with… however, Aarron did. He eyed up the “R” trainer and thought he looked familiar still. Jugo laughed hysterically and then threw out a Pokeball. It bounced onto the murky grass and flared out a small, purple rat Pokemon. Rattata snarled whilst it raised its sharp, dagger like fangs at Lisa and Aarron. Aarron looked worried and then realised that Jugo was a part of Team Rocket… Similarly, he was the one who kidnapped Aarron as young child.

    “I know you!” Aarron shouted and pointed. “You kidnapped me last time in this forest!” He raged angrily and his eyes turned a shiny, red colour. He then tossed a ball to floor. It shafted out a small, purple Grass Pokemon who camouflaged within the tall grass. It was Oddish. This Pokemon had razor, sharp leaves on its head, which could cut through viciously many objects. Rattata dashed towards Oddish and tackled it. The grassy creature fell backwards for a moment and then swooped its head in a circular motion for a moment.

    “Razor Leaf,” Aarron shouted. Oddish’s green leaves detached sliced quickly through the air at the purple rat. It was sliced continuously and it shrieked loudly. The cold air breezed across the Pokemon’s slice wounds and it shrieked loudly because of it. Lisa snuck around the grass and towards her captured Spoink. Suddenly, Jugo stamped on her hands and she cried loudly.

    “I don’t think so,” Jugo laughed and said. His shiny silver boot squeezed tightly on her hands and she cried loudly. Aarron quickly looked at his sister and angrily grinded his teeth. Oddish then dazzled for a moment and an Acid attack was splashed from the top of its leaves. The poisonous, purple substance splashed through the cold air and sloshed Rattata. Rattata squeaked for a moment and then ran quickly towards Oddish again with a Tackle. It jumped into the air and bashed it quickly. Oddish fell to the murky floor in pain and struggled to get up.

    “Oddish, you can do it,” Aarron said. Oddish just hopped back to its feet and then a strong, cold stream of ice busted at it. Ice Beam chilled across the small leave Pokemon’s purple body and tossed it to the floor. Oddish fainted in pain and Rattata seemed to have taken massive damage from the Razor Leaf attack. Suddenly, Lisa’s Spoink grew weaker and started to bounce much more slowly… In the bushes behind it was a gold sphere, which twinkled brightly. The special Spoink bounced out from beneath the overgrown bushes and hopped towards Jugo’s back.

    “Ouch,” Lisa cried in pain as her hands were still stood on. Spoink felt angry and glared evilly at Jugo. It shook its head rapidly for a moment and a wave of psychic energy was flashed towards him. The Psywave attack pelted his back continuously, which psyched the “R” trainer to the shadowy forest’s floor. Rattata turned around from Aarron and looked at its trainer. It quickly dashed next to him and licked his face… Spoink was so angry that it flashed both of them again using a Psychic attack. The piggy creature’s attack circled purple energy around them and tossed them into to the direction of the sky… They both flew through the cold air and disappeared at a blink of an eye. The trees rustled quickly with the cold wind…

    “Oh thank you,” Lisa cried and pulled off her Spoink’s cage. Oddish on the floor was flashed back to its Pokeball. The golden sphere Spoink’s eyes gleamed with happiness as it saw Lisa hug her trusty Pokemon’s soft body. It then bounced next to Lisa and head butted her crimson t-shirt… Lisa turned for a moment and dropped her Pokemon.

    “I think it wants to battle sis,” Aarron said. “Go for it!” He then cheered his sister whilst he stood back from the potential fight. The golden sphere Spoink bounced repeatedly and glared at the normal Spoink. The normal piggy was released from the net and charged quickly at the rival pig. It bashed its silver sphere into the golden’s body and bashed it across the floor. It scrapped across the murky grass and then hopped back on to its springy spring.

    “Spoink, use Bounce,” Lisa shouted. Spoink then sprung up into the air higher than normal. The cold breeze flushed over it and then it sprang on top of the golden’s head. It bounced rapidly and caused the other Spoink to become paralysed. It shook for a moment in pain on the murky grass. Suddenly, the rival Spoink flashed a grassy wave of power in the direction of Lisa’s partner. The Energy Ball attack dazzled the Pokemon. Lisa’s piggy flew into the atmosphere and then was head butted back. Spoink flew across the air and tackled the silver piggy with its golden sphere.

    “Spoink, watch out,” Lisa cheered. “Use Bounce again when you land!” Spoink nodded and then turned through the air. It swooped down like a quick hurricane and bounced the golden’s head… The attacked Spoink fell to the ground in pain and was stunned by paralysis. Suddenly, it hopped to its feet and sprang slowly. Aarron watched and bit his nails in anticipation of the battle. The golden jewel Spoink suddenly flushed a Psywave across the shadowy, meadow. The grass flickered viciously as a psychic wave aired across. Lisa’s Spoink was dazzled to the floor in pain and as the wave dematerialised over its piggy body.

    “Spoink. I know you can do it,” Lisa shouted. “Shadow Ball!” Lisa’s Spoink bounced onto its spring and then its pink nose started to glow. An aura of foggy shadows materialised in a giant sphere around its body. Suddenly, it was zoned outwards through the cold air and in the direction of the special pig creature. It was buffeted by the power of shadows and bounced rapidly diagonally through the grass… Lisa’s Spoink bounced in anticipation and jumped towards Lisa. It then was hugged by her and then giggled to themselves. Next, the crimson-topped trainer grabbed a Pokeball from her pocket. She then tossed it towards the grass where the golden Spoink lay.

    “Go Pokeball,” Lisa said late… The ball bounced on the weakened Spoink and encased it with crimson light. It then sealed shut and wobbled in the murky meadow…
    WinterVines 3:53 pm
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  2. #2
    I eat Frogs AmericanTreeFrog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Bounce, Bounce

    Plot/Characters/Introduction:

    Plot ~ Simple, but it works. Instead of the characters just wandering into the forest they face an old foe and lose only to be saved by the Pokemon they were looking for in the first place. The one problem I spotted with your plot idea had to do with Aarron. My question is why was he kidnapped in the the first place and how did he get rescued? Minor issue but something you could have explored.

    Characters ~ We have the bad, the headstrong, and the cautious. Everybody didn’t have the same personality and the personality of each character was consistent throughout.

    Introduction ~ Good job here too. You provide a good opening that draws the reader in and you explain the environment as well as introducing the savior and foe of the story. The battle in the ending sets up the one at the end and follows logically until the ending.



    Grammar/Detail:

    You did really well in both sections (hence why they are combined). There isn’t much I can comment except for a few things i noticed.

    First, something authors overlook is the repeated use of words. You did this twice; using the words ‘murky’ and ‘cold breeze’ repeatedly throughout. This isn’t wrong, just takes away from the work because you used it so much. For next time try watching for this and if you spot yourself doing it try swapping out words.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    “I think it wants to battle[,] sis,” Aarron said.
    ~ You need a comma there because the speech is being directed toward the person.

    Quote Originally Posted by you
    A small, black pig Pokemon with a small sphere[-]like jewel above its head bounced on the shadowy grass slowly.
    You need a hyphen here because you are using ‘like’.


    Length:

    Meh, you passed here.


    Battle: Like your other section this was done pretty well for both the first battle and the last part. The only problem I saw here deals with the final battle and it is trivial. I sometimes had trouble telling which Spoink was attacking or doing what and I got confused. For next time, try substituting words for one side versus the other to create a clear view of what is happening.


    Overall: Captured. An above average story all things considered. You did really well except for a couple grammar issues. So, keep those in mind and good luck on next story.
    Last edited by AmericanTreeFrog; 22nd June 2011 at 06:54 PM.
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