9th August 2011, 08:13 AM #1
Not that masterful
A Bluebottle Story
Crappy first story is crappy.
Pokemon attempted: Tentacool
Story Rank: Simple (5,000 - 10,000)
Characters (w/ spaces): 9,950
Sighing, I looked up from the sheets of paper on the desk in front of me. Rain trickled down the window, the pale afternoon sun casting an eerie shadow through the poorly lit room; the meek sunshine and a small desk lamp producing the only light in the room. The light patter of rain resounded from the tin roof, providing a distracting relief from the essay on my desk. The words “Essay – Molecular Isotope Structures” stood out in bold, the lines of writing underneath fading into a blur through my tired eyes.
I wrapped my numb hands around a lukewarm mug, bringing it up to my lips and taking a sip of the bitten brown liquid. It wasn’t late, but I was getting tired, and I was having trouble keeping myself awake. I gently rest my head on my desk, the polished woodwork feeling softer than usual. I closed my eyes, and pushing images of atoms out of my mind, I let it go black, my fatigue overcoming me as I slipped into darkness.
When I had woken up, the room was pitch-black, and almost completely silent. My desk lamp was off, so I fumbled around my desk; brushing over rough sheets of paper, and accidentally knocking over my mug, cold liquid flowing over my hand. Recoiling, I brought my hand back and quickly rubbed it against my shirt. I heard a soft growl behind me, as a golden Arcanine slept on my feathery bed. The majestic canine lay there peacefully, his chest rising up and down in time with the steady rhythm of his breathing, as his yellow fur gave of a faint, pale glow.
Quietly pushing my chair, I stood up and reached for the desk lamp, which was slightly visible now that my eyes had adjusted to the darkness. The lamp’s yellow light filled the room, piercing the still darkness that hung in the air. The light hurt my eyes, and I winced, muttering a curse under my breath. A ruffling noise alerted me to the golden canine Pokémon, whom was now awake and staring at me groggily.
“Ugh, I’m sorry, Arkie, I need to get this essay done,” I apologised, sitting down on the bed next to Arkie. He just shook his thick, blonde mane, obviously annoyed. I rubbed my hand through his shaggy mane, and gave him a gentle scratch behind his ear. Glancing up at me wall, the digital clock read four-thirty. I glanced back over to my desk, where papers were scattered everywhere, spilt coffee soaked into half of them. I didn’t feel like cleaning it up, or finishing the essay, so I turned to Arkie, and said, “Come on, you wanna go for a walk? I’m not in the mood to clean up this mess, or finish my paper.” I received a cheerful bark in response. I stood up and yawned, as Arkie jumped off of the bed beside me, eagerly waiting for me to lead the way.
I walked out of my bedroom door into a long, dimly lit hallway, with Arkie at my heels. We crept silently down the hall, as I didn’t want to wake my parents up. We reached the large wooden door, and it creaked as I pulled it open. Stepping outside, I closed the door behind Arkie, before revelling in the embrace of fresh morning air and pale moonlight. I looked down at the Arcanine, who appeared to be enjoying the early morning as much as me, and asked, “So, where should we go? We could go down to the beach, although it might be a bit cold for a swim, plus, it was raining last night.” However, at the mention of the word “beach”, Arkie got excited, his fluffy tail wagging furiously. He charged straight through the small garden that surrounded our front door, and headed down a worn dirt path that led straight to the coastline.
Trudging through the garden after the Arcanine, my bare feet quickly started to slip in the mud, as I struggled to keep myself balanced. I managed to stumble out of the garden before tripping over, and hastily regaining my balance, I charged down towards the beach, after the speedy canine. The dirt path that I was running down was wet, but wasn’t overly slippery, and I was able to at least keep steady. I gazed down on the beach to try and find Arkie, but the darkness had hidden him from me.
I could hear the gentle crash of the waves, and as the dirt under my feet made way for softer sand, I knew I was on the beach. I stopped, and stared out at the ocean, the moonlight reflected off of the waves, with the starry sky in the background, it was a beautiful scene, and reminded me why I loved living so isolated, with pretty much a private beach so nearby.
I went to take a step towards the beach, but I felt something squishy under my foot, and I leapt back, alarmed. Kneeling down and looking closely, I saw a small Tentacool lying on the sand, wrinkled and shrivelled, and flopping around feebly. I looked up and saw numerous other blue jellyfish all in the same state. The Tentacool typically got washed ashore on the beach during, and after, rain; it brought the tides up, and made the Tentacool more active, and when the tides receded, you were left with a beach full of Tentacool. I wasn’t worried about the Tentacool, the tide would come back in and sweep them all back out to sea, and they would be perfectly fine. Except when they were beached, their stingers lay idle, yet still incredibly poisonous, and I was incredibly lucky that I hadn’t stepped on one. Panic quickly filled my mind as I realised that if Arkie had gone wandering off on the beach, he might have stepped on a Tentacool’s stinger, and he might be hurt.
I started urgently calling out, “Arkie! Arkie, where are you? Come here, boy!” I backed up off of the beach, taking care not to step on any more Tentacool, my eyes scouring the beach back and forth, looking for the Arcanine. I heard a splash and a whimper in the distance, and looking towards the source of the noise, I faintly saw Arkie laying unconscious at the edge of the tide. I let out a small scream, as I charged back onto the beach; trying not to get stung, I side-stepped around numerous of the blue jellyfish’s stingers. I reached the limp canine and dove down, tears starting to well up in my eyes. Arkie had a Tentacool in its mouth, and I quickly wrenched it out. I chucked the Tentacool aside, gently pried open Arkie’s mouth, trying to find any wounds amidst the darkness. I felt around the inside of his jaw with my hand, and I couldn’t feel anything out of place, apart from the unnatural amounts of squishy jelly in his mouth. I scooped out a large handful, and dumped it on the sand next to me, almost landing on the Tentacool that I had thrown aside. I took a closer look at the Tentacool, and it was incredibly deflated, missing large chunks of its body, and seemed to be missing one of its red, crystalline eyes.
Gently picking up the body of the Tentacool, I noticed a large, white fang in its side. Picking out the fang, I almost immediately recognized it as a Sharpedo fang. The shark Pokémon were often losing their teeth and you could find them washed up on the beach regularly. Figuring that there must have been a Sharpedo involved, I leapt over Arkie’s body, to try to find any injury. There was a gash going down the side of his body, blood pouring out at a steady pace. I quickly ripped a large strip off of the bottom of my shirt, and wrapped it around the wound, to try to stem the bleeding. I carefully lifted him on to my back, and slowly pushed myself off of the ground. I grabbed the injured Tentacool in one hand, and keeping Arkie balanced on my back with the other, I gradually made my way back through the beach, taking care not to step on any more Tentacool. The sky was starting to brighter now, and it was easier to stay clear of the Tentacool. When I reached the edge of the beach, I picked up my speed as little, as I awkwardly ran up the slope towards my house, with the two injured Pokémon. I ran around the side of the house, and stopped outside one of the windows embedded in the brick. I gently slid Arkie off of my back, and placed the limp Tentacool on the ground, before standing up and knocking on the glass pane of the window. I kept knocking until I heard a grunt from inside, and a disgruntled man stuck his head out of the window. My father had a bald head, and a rough, worn face, which didn’t look overly happy right now. “Ugh, what’s this about, boy?”
“Dad, Arkie’s been injured. We were down at the beach this morning, and I think he was attacked by a Sharpedo, while trying to protect a Tentacool. It’s had one of its eyes ripped out, and doesn’t look too well,” I explained quickly, tears starting to well up in my eyes again. I gestured towards the two Pokémon on the ground, and my father pulled back, slightly surprised.
“Okay, just wait there, I’ll wake up your mother and come out.” He slammed the window shut, and I could hear him muttering inside. I collapsed against the side of the house, the exhaustion that came from stress and little sleep starting to catch up to me. I gently rest my hand on top of Arkie’s head, his wellbeing all I could think about.
My parents came running around the corner, Mum rushing straight to Arkie’s side, and Dad running to the Tentacool, picking it up. Mum gently pulled my makeshift bandage off of Arkie, and pulled a proper bandage out of her pocket, wrapping it around his body, gently stroking his soft mane as she went. I sat there watching Arkie with earnest, just hoping that he’d come to, before Dad’s voice rung through my head, “Hey, get over here a sec.”
I stood up and walked over to Dad, looking at the Tentacool that he cradled in his arms, and it looked to be in worse condition that before. Dad asked me, “Do you have any Pokeball on you? If you caught it in a ball, it would at least be safe until I’m able to prepare a tank for it to recover in.” I nodded, and pulled a small Pokeball out of my pocket. I clicked the small button, and the ball grew in size. I gently tapped the ball on the limp Tentacool’s head, and watched it get sucked into the bright red light. I grabbed the ball and held it up, nervously watching, and waiting, to see if the Tentacool would stay in the Pokeball.
9th August 2011, 08:36 AM #2
Re: A Bluebottle Story
CLAIMED BECAUSE I CAN OK.
10th August 2011, 05:39 AM #3
Re: A Bluebottle Story
meh, kinda short. I don't mind, though. [;
Introduction: So, uhm... I didn't exactly get much of an introduction here, which is kind of a minus for any story seeing as an introduction can pull the plot to have a starting point, but I guess the lack of one is fine for a Simple story. Usually, you should have some form of introduction so you can introduce your main characters and allude to plot/conflict outlines, and so if you don't we have a hazy idea of what a character is/looks like and we don't have a proper idea of what the story is going to be about. Just something to think about when you're writing a story for the future - the fact that we didn't get your character's name or description is a factor that's mostly necessary. You did capture the settings where the character was, though. I got a nice feel of a gloomy study or bedroom, so plus points there. Try to concentrate on having a stronger introduction as you progress to stories further up in the story chain.
Plot: Okay, bear with me as I summarise it so that I get a better understanding because I'm weird like that: boy goes for walk with dog/Arcanine, dog disappears suddenly to maul a jellyfish/Tentacool, dog gets tooth pulled out so is also injured like the jellyfish. Hey, it's a good plot for a Simple capture, and it's well-written for a Simple capture story too. However, further up the line, you won't be able to get away with straightforward plots like these, so twists and turns are necessary for future stories. However, we'll just get back to what you've written now. I don't see many plotholes, although there are a few - how did the Arcanine come into the possession of the main character (not really necessary)? Why would the main character's mother be carrying a spare bandage around, especially so early in the morning? - was she some kind of nurse? How did Arkie's tooth get stuck in the Tentacool and why was it out of the water in the first place?
Plotholes like these can make a story a tiny bit more confusing, so you should explain a lot of things in a short story unless you're planning to make a sequel/next chapter, but if you're not, plotholes should be all fully explained by the end of the story, perhaps even once the story has ended - you can include comments at the bottom of your story about it that can help explain, but it's not a method that is exactly liked or used by many people, so again, try to put in a bit more explanation to these things in future stories - since this is a Simple capture, however, these things are allowed to happen within reason so you're really fine to go for plot here. It's better than jim-walks-into-forest-and-grabs-pokémon, but not much much more advanced, which is perfectly good 'n' all.
But a small question on realism - why would the main character be carrying around a Poké Ball without exactly planning to go catching anything? [;
Grammar/spelling: I didn't notice anything.
Detail/description: I liked the description you used for the story - you've got a good grasp of using descriptive words that will set the scene for the story, especially more with the visual description that you've used, but it's not particularly fantastic imagery - I was, however, impressed with your descriptions of Arcanine, the bedroom/study area and the beach. I got a perfect view of each of these things through your use of visual description as you did describe these things very well. What was missing from it was other kinds of description, though. What did the sea air smell like? Was the coffee that the main character was drinking particularly tasty or invigorating? How did the sand on the beach feel, especially underneath the paws of Arcanine or under the knees of the main character? How did the Tentacool feel?
Little questions like those should be answered in order to give the reader a far better feel for the story and the images it tries to produce, but what you've included for this story is fine.
Battle: No battle. Refreshing, as always.
Length: Hey, lookie here, you're almost over the top value for required characters. Overachiever. [;
Outcome: All things considered, it was an above-average story and you have definite potential for writing more in the URPG. I genuinely want to see you write some more stories so I can grade them and tell you how impressed I was. Right now, however, Tentacool is captured.