This is where I'll have Nole's Adventure series.
Part I: Smile
EDIT: I have officially named this series "The Temple of Seuz" series.
I also have a map for you all to look at.
The map of Gaina. Use the zoom in feature to see better.
This is where I'll have Nole's Adventure series.
Part I: Smile
EDIT: I have officially named this series "The Temple of Seuz" series.
I also have a map for you all to look at.
The map of Gaina. Use the zoom in feature to see better.
*I'm finally done with this monster...*
Character counter: 57395
Story deal for: Pidge
Wrote by: Zeferin
Ok, here is part two to my Story of Nole. I never actually intended to make this a series, but I kind of grew to like the idea of Nole, and so, ta-da, here it is.
On a small note to the grader, if there is something that seems to be leading to something else, but you don't see it in this story *Ex: Eden*, I'm planning to write another story onto this one.
so, without further adieu, I give you, "A Blade in the Night".
The air sat heavy and stale as darkness devoured the land. Large, monstrous clouds spewed over the skies, taking with them the diamonds of Heaven and the white orb of Earth as the world became pitch black and alien in look. The life that had once been all around, all the greens, yellows, reds and blues, was dulled and grayed. The once flowing sea of corn that had looked like an ocean of gold and emerald was now a stagnant reservoir of sickened looking yellow and green. The pure beauty the land once had was now gone, captured and hidden away by the macabre beauty the looming storm had brought.
And what a frightening, beautiful storm it was. The clouds rolled through the sky, as if taking a stage before a grand audience. Slowly, After taking the stage, the storm followed an unseen conductor in a symphony of sounds and lights. The music started simply with the bass: a low, slow rumble across the sky that rattled windows and bones, exaggerating the sound and drawling it out as long as it could . Then, off to the far side of the storm, the other side of the ensemble answered back with its own, slightly louder, rumble that reverberated through the air. Slowly, different players throughout the clouds began their own thunderous sounds in answer to the first. Soon, the entire sky was a nonstop, back and forth exchange of sounds as the storm neared its next section of the piece.
Then, the blackened world flashed into sight, only to fall back into the darkness as the percussion let loose a single bolt of lighting. The cymbals crashed again and again as the bolts of plasma arched over and under the clouds, lighting the land in soft bursts of blues and purples. And, no sooner than the cymbals began their dramatic entrance, the strings and woodwinds let loose their long, playful, high notes and drenched the land in cold, icy water.
The cellos and trombones played out in short, strong bursts with the saxophones’ and violins’ long, screeching wails as the winds began to pick up. The few trees bowed before the mighty sounds that this section of the piece played out. The stalks of corn twisted and shook violently, making the once placid sea into a now raging torrent of swirling whirlpools and rapids.
The climax of the piece was nearing. The unseen was waving his hands frantically as the thunder roared, the lighting streaked, the rain poured in sheets, and the winds howled. In this symphony of Nature, the sights and sounds made the audience ignorant of an intruder to the grand music hall that this stage sat in. Quietly, this intruder swam through the raging sea of green with the grace of the flute, and the speed of a fiddle, masking itself as a member of the symphony as it slipped through the night.
As it darted through the corn, it approached a farm that was in a commotion. The farm had a huge barn for the livestock and was rustic with age. Old, chipping white paint could be made out ever few bursts of lightning on the sides. In front of the old barn was a large, spacious, grassy field that was a little over an acre large, fenced off at the edges to keep the livestock in. With little less than ten feet from the rows of corn to the fence, the intruder busted though the rows, flew through the air, and landed gracefully in the grassy pasture. Dashing like a shadow from light, this rural assassin darted for the barn where the sounds of distressed mooing could be heard.
In the barn, a small herd of Miltank and a single Tauros bellowed out and shifted uneasily in their pens at the storm got louder and louder. There were no lights in the old barn, and every bolt of lightning gave a fleeting glimpse at the world around them. The Tauros was the most riled, pumping itself up to an almost frenzy. Banging against its pen harder and harder each time, the Tauros clacked its sharp, glossy white horns on the only thing in the only barn that looked new and shined: a reinforced steel gate bolted to thick, dense, concrete blocks that made the Tauros’ enclosure.
Bellowing out again, only to be drowned out by the thunder, the Tauros was about to come down with all its might against the steel door until a strange scent filled the air. Stropping before it went on a rampage, the Tauros turned its massive head side to side, sniffing the air to find the source of the odd scent. With one last sniff, the Tauros found the source and looked the best it could to the direction that the barn opened up to the pasture. In the darkness, the Tauros could make nothing out except small movement of the Miltank in the pen next to its.
Then, in a flash of lightning, the door to the pasture could be seen being ripped open and a gleam of blade flashed before the light fazed back out. The wind torn through the new opening, filling the barn with its deafening roar. The Tauros bellowed and rammed its steel pen turned cage in vain as the assailant sprinted up to the Tauros. With every instinctual drive telling it to not only protect the herd but to also face this challenger that had invaded its territory, the Tauros reared up and, with all its might, released a Giga Impact down upon the gate, breaking off the bolts that had held it in place.
Falling down hard on the ground, the Tauros shook from the impact, and by time it had recovered and looked up for its next attack, the challenger was right in front of it. This one last bolt of lightning, the Tauros saw its attacker, and a gleam of blades slicing down at its eyes. In a blood curdling shriek, the Tauros cried out at its eyes were sliced and left useless as the blood soaked the Tauros’ coat. Thrashing out in a blind fury, the Tauros’ attacker danced around its crippled opponent, and, with a final slash to the jugular and across the gut, the Tauros stilled, buckled at the knees, and fell to the ground in a wet, blood stained dirt.
Outside, the symphony was nearing the end of its performance. The conductor began calling sections back, starting with the strings and woodwinds by letting the sheeting rain slow from a downpour to a drizzle. Then, he called back the cellos, trombones, violins and saxophones, letting the howling winds calm down to a small breeze. The percussion were next as the fierce lightning lessened and became a shadow of its former glory. At last, the bass quieted down with the lightning, bringing with it the closing of the music. Then, in one last, final chord, the entire ensemble played out a soft, fading sound. In this last quiet finale, one final bolt flashed in the sky, filling the barn with enough light to show the Tauros’ murderer flick the dripping blood off its blades, and slowly lick off the excess that had remained.
With the cutoff of the music of the storm, the world seemed far too quiet as the audience neither cheered nor applauded the symphony. The symphony paid no heed as it departed off the stage and went off in search for a new stage to take and play its frighteningly beautiful music. As the storm moved on, the clouds released the imprisoned stars and moon and let their light each the land. With the moon light bathing the land its pure light, a small blur raced out of the barn as the Miltank recovered from their shock and bellowed out into the once overly quiet world. Sprinting across the pasture and leaping over the fence, the assassin of the night dived back into the sea of gold and emerald, now restored to its previous beauty and grace. Lights flashed on in the farmhouse, soon followed by the opening of a door, and the streaking of flashlights over as three unsuspecting lights ran over to the barn that held a now bloody corpse.
As the lights entered the barn, the bellowing of the Miltank were joined by the yelling of the farmhands. The sky fully cleared and the moon shone full and bright in the sky as the assassin rustled away from the farm through the sea of corn.
The truck jumped a bit as it went over a small pothole, tossing its stowaway from off his lofty cushion of hay and down onto the hard truck bed below. With a sudden jerk back to consciousness, the small boy propped himself up off the truck bed with his elbow and scratched his head, dazed and confused as of where he was or what he was doing. The last thing he could recall was a huge storm and the sounds of someone shouting.
As the mental fog cleared his head, the boy finally remembered that he was in the back of a box truck, in the middle of nowhere, hiding in the stacks of hay that were being shipped to some town up the road. Shaking his head to clear the last bit of sleep from his mind, he racked through his short, dark blonde hair to comb out the strands of hay tangled in it. Then, the boy reached his arm in between the stacks next to him and rustled through them until, after a bit of searching, managed to fine what he was looking for: a large, worn out, brown satchel. Taking off one of the side buckles, he pulled out a small canteen from the side pouch. Taking a quick swig, the boy then pored a small pool of water into the palm of his hand and threw it onto his face. Fully awake and feeling refreshed, except for the small bruise forming on side where he had landed on from on top of the hay stack, the boy stood up and stretched.
Putting the canteen away and fixing the buckle back in place, the boy reached into another one of the pockets of the satchel and pulled out a small, handheld device. The device was paper thin and about four inches in height. It was entirely jet black, except for a glossy screen that covered the front. On the back, there was small lens in the top left corner. As the boy clicked a little button on top of the device, the once black, glossy screen lit up in a bright white light, filling the once darkened back of the truck in its shining glow.
In a gentle, soothing tone, a woman’s voice spoke through the device‘s speakers, “Please present authorization.” Taking the thumb of his hand that he was holding the device in, the boy placed it on the white screen. The voice once again called out, “Scanning. Please hold,“ and as the voice finished, the white screen shrunk around the thumb, outlining the shape of it. Within seconds, the voice called out one last time, “Thank. Scan complete. Authorization granted. User Nole Frits has logged in. Good morning Nole.”
“Good morning Eden,” said Nole as he looked down to see the white screen change into a picture a Pokeball with small shortcut icons at the bottom to different programs. “Please tell me the date, location, and time.”
“Right away.” One of the small icons at the bottom of the screen suddenly opened up to a map display. A small hourglass icon flashed on the screen, turning over every few seconds as the page loaded. When it was finished loading, Eden said, “The date is Sunday, July 15. Location: Country, Gaina. Province, Burrs. Nearest town, Nectar. Time: 10:00 am.” The screen then zoomed in near to a town labeled Nectar with a small red blip about an inch from the town on the map.
With a bit of a smile, Nole closed the program and put Eden back into the satchel. He had made it pretty far since last night when he had stunk into the back of the box truck several towns back. At this rate, he would get to the nearest Maglift station, a station for the bullet train system that ran through the country, by the end of the day. From there, it was off to the capital to register for Pokeleague and one step closer to fulfilling his dreams.
Smiling at the thought, Nole went to pick up his satchel when, suddenly, he felt the truck come to a complete stop. Freezing, Nole thought he had overheard the driver say, before he stole a ride, that he wasn’t going to stop until he got to Yorsh, which wasn’t for another two towns. Rushing over to the stacks of hay to hide, Nole no sooner just started squeezing himself in between stacks when the door suddenly flew open with a large, burly looking man glaring at him from the other side. Roaring in anger, the man yelled in a thick, rough accent, "I though' I hurd some'im in da back of ma truck. You git da hell out!" And at the, the large man climbed up into the back, took his huge, meaty hands, grabbed Nole by the collar of his shirt, and tossed him out into the middle of the dirt road.
Nole was quick to pick himself up, cursing the man under his breath. As the man jumped down out of the back and locked the back door of the truck back up, Nole yelled out, "So what? You're just going to leave a kid in the middle of nowhere?!"
Walking back to the cab of the truck, the man turned his head back long enough to say, "Ain't ma prallem ya dam’ trainer." and jumped back up in the cab and drove off, leaving Nole in the dust.
Yelling every curse he knew and throwing a few hand gestures in as well, Nole kicked up some most dust in the air and slumped down in the middle of the road. Looking around, there was nothing and no one in sight; all there was around was an endless sea of corn stalks and the road that he was on. Cursing a bit more, Nole reached into his satchel once again and pulled Eden out. After authorizing again, Nole asked Eden, “What is the distance, in miles, to the town of Nectar?”
“Analyzing,” said Eden as it opened out the map program again, only, this time, tracing the distance between the red blip and Nectar in a yellow line. After a few seconds, Eden called out, “Completed. You are 26 and 3/8th miles from the town of Nectar.”
Rolling his eyes in the back of his head, Nole pocketed Eden this time and picked himself up off the ground. Looking up at the rising sun, Nole wiped the few beads of sweat that were already forming on his forehead. It wasn’t going to take a genius to figure out that today it was going to be hotter than a Charizard’s breath.
Facing the direction of Nectar, Nole reached down to his side with his left hand, taking off two small capsules from a belt clip. The little capsules were no bigger than walnuts, being half red, half white, and a black band separating the two in the center. On one side of each of the capsules, right in the center between the red and white, there was a small, grayish-white button. Nole squeezed the capsules, clicking the buttons on them with the palm of his hand. With a soft chime, the capsule doubled their size in a flash, just barely fitting his Nole’s small hands. With a light flick of the wrist, Nole threw the capsules out in front of him, causing them to burst in an eruption of light.
As the light faded, standing before Nole were two strange and bizarre looking creatures. To his left stood a dog-like creature, its tongue hanging out, panting, and sitting as if it was waiting for a treat. Its fur was mainly a burnt orange, covering its face, legs and back. On its stomach, snout, tail and its fluffy crest that was on top of its head were a light cream colored fur. Lastly, along its back and legs, were black tiger strips. Standing just over two feet tall, it proudly sat there with its chest puffed out, head held high, and its tail wagging vigorously. Looking up at Nole, the small creature barked out, “Grow! Growlithe!”
Reaching down to pet his ever faithful friend, Nole smiled, “Good morning to you too, Mikkel.” Turning to the other creature next to Mikkel, Nole greeted, “And a good morning to you as well Geist.” Standing next to Mikkel, the other creature barely reached the top of his shoulders. Only a foot in height, this creature looked more like a walking green mushroom than anything else. It has a pure white body that flowed in one continuous form from its head to the tip of his draping tail. The outline of its feet could barely be seen and its arms were as thin as twigs. The only other colors on its body were its large, green domed helmet that shaded its head from view and two, large, red horns that stuck up through the helmet from on top of its head. Raising one of its twig like arms up and taking the other to bow over, Geist greeted Nole as well with a quick, “Ralts.”
“Always the elaborate one, aren’t you,” Nole said as he placed the now empty Pokeballs back in the belt clip. As his Pokemon looked around, confused at to where they were, Nole let out a sigh and explained to them what had all happened. When he had finished, Nole turned to Geist and asked, “Ok, so since we are in the middle of nowhere, can you find the nearest house or person that we could beg a ride from them? I’m not really thrilled about walking 20-some…”
“26 and 3/8th miles,” chimed in Eden from Nole’s pocket.
“…Thank Eden. Really needed that,” muttered Nole are he scowled at his pocket where the little device was. He sometimes really hated how smart Silph Co. made their products. “Anyway,” Nole continued,” I don’t really want to walk 26 and 3/8th miles in this heat. So how about it? Can you find someone?” The little white Pokemon stood there for a second, taking his slender arm and resting it under his chin as he pondered the thought. Worried that Geist might get smart about it and try to antagonize him, Nole bend down on his knees and whispered softly to Geist, “And if you do a good job, I think I’ll be in a really good mood. So good, in fact, that I might even let you feed off my emotions a bit.”
Geist froze for a moment, chewed this deal over a bit in his head, and looked up at Nole, shouting out, “Ralts!” with a sly smile on his face. Geist has always been a sucker for good emotions. Turning around and placing his small hands on top of his front horn, Geist began to focus his energy. As he did so, his horn glowed a bright red, shimmering in the rising sunlight. Then, in a sudden pop, the light busted out, radiating out from Geist and out over the land.
As the light zoomed out, Geist turned back around to Nole, who was still bent down on his knees, and placed his small hand onto Nole’s forehead. In a burst of mental images, Nole vision was taken over and all he could see were flashing green blurs, a river of rushing browns, and a blob of blue. Soon his new vision adjusted enough so that he could see the rows of corn flying by, the dirt road below, and the lightening sky above. Within seconds, the land zooming by slowed down, and Nole could see a farm coming into view. The farm had a large, old fashion house, painted simple colors and held a rustic beauty. Next to it, there was a large barn, painted similarly to the house, with a large, fenced off field leading out from it. All around the farm was the sea of corn.
As Nole’s vision come back to his surrounds, he blinked his eyes bit, rubbing them as he tried to readjust back to seeing normally again. “Thanks Geist!” cheered Nole, beaming now that he knew that there was a farm only three miles up the road. “And as promised…” Nole reached down and touched the top of Geist’s horn. He suddenly felted a little drained from his strength, but not so much that it made him tired. Looking down, he saw Geist almost bouncing with glee as he absorbed a little bit of Nole’s happiness. He was glad that Geist had some restraint and didn’t take all the joy out of him.
Standing back up and picking up his satchel, Nole turned toward the direction he saw the farm in Geist’s vision, and started off. “Come on guys,” Nole said as he turned towards his Pokemon, “the sooner we can get out of this sun, the better off we’ll be.” With a small bark behind him, Nole added, “Well, the better off I’ll be, Mikkel.”
As the trio marched off towards the farm, deep in the rows of corn behind them, two steel-cold eyes glared at their next victims.
It had been almost an hour since they started walking and Nole was just about to throw a fit. He was never the outdoorsy type, always preferring the city over the country and a nice, air-conditioned car over hiking. Now, he was not only in the country, hiking in the heat, but was also getting hungry. Wiping the sweat off his face, he pulled out Eden and checked the temperature: 91 degrees Fahrenheit with 70% humidity. Nole didn’t really understand what the humidity percent meant, but what he did know that it made the air feel so thick and miserably hot.
Looking down next to him, he saw Mikkel perfectly fine, loving every minute of this weather. One great thing about being a fire dog was that he could stand just about any summer heat wave, even with his thick coat. Geist, on the other hand, looked like he was about to die. Of course, Nole knew that Geist was just melodramatic and loved to be pitied. Nole had to, though, feel some envy against the little Pokemon for he had, somehow, managed to convince Mikkel to let him ride on him bareback. “Lazy little…” hissed Nole, but was cut off from a snapping sound behind him.
Turned around slowly, Nole could just barely catch a glimpse of a huge, green blur flying out of the corn stalks and right at him and his Pokemon. Stunned, Nole only managed to spit out, “What the…” before having Mikkel tackle him to the ground. Just as he was falling back, a white flashed zipped past Nole’s face, and, as he sank down on the ground, he felt a warm trickle run down his forehead and down to his lips. As the warm, metallic taste of iron filled his mouth, Nole realized that it was blood trickling down from a small cut in his head.
Look up to see his attacker, all he saw was a huge, green monster standing before him, licking off the small spot of blood on its bladelike arms. The monster stood sideways, its left shoulder jarred out in front as it leaned all its massive weight on its back right leg. Its huge, translucent wings were in full display, the top two being a slight orange as the bottom were more of a cream, giving the already large creature an even more frightening girth. Its left arm, which was nothing more than just a large blade, was held just below its chin, turned outwards and slightly down so that it faced Nole. Its right blade-arm was held high behind its head, as if it was ready to come down like an executioner’s ax and permanently take care of any foe foolish enough to challenge it. Its head was held high, with a piercing glare down at Nole with its mouth gapping open to display its sharp fangs.
Petrified with fear, Nole couldn’t think straight. He had no idea what this monster was or why it was attacking. All he knew was that every fiber of his body was screaming for him to run as fast as he could away from those gleaming blades. With a surge of pain in his arm, he looked down to see Mikkel biting, bringing Nole back to his senses. With a weak nod, Nole scurried back up on his feet, barely able to stand as his legs turned to mush. Remembering that he still had Eden activated, Nole pointed the camera fixture at the monster and croaked out as his voice cracked in fear, “Eden, i-i-identify!”
“Scanning,” chimed Eden is its usually calm voice. As the camera gave off a small click, the screen lit up with a picture of the monster and a series of other creatures next to it. After a few of the pictured buzzed by, an identical looking picture of a creature matched up with the one of the monster that stood before Nole. As an information page was pulled up, Eden chimed up, “Scyther, the Mantis Pokemon. Scyther is blindingly fast. Its blazing speed enhances the effectiveness of the twin scythes on its forearms. This Pokemon's scythes are so effective, they can slice through thick logs in one wicked stroke.”
Gulping at the last part of the entry, Nole pocketed Eden and turned to Mikkel. “Mikkel,” commanded Nole, swallowing his fear as best he could, “Use Agility to match that...Scyther’s…speed. Then, get him with a Flare Blitz.” Turning to his other Pokemon, Nole added, “Geist, be ready for the worst.”
Geist jumped off down off of Mikkel’s back and nodded as Mikkel barked in acknowledgement. Bracing himself, Mikkel, in a burst of speed, leaped off towards his foe. Erupting in a ball of flames, Mikkel charged the Scyther, who was still standing in the same frozen stance. Just as the barreling fire ball that was Mikkel jumped up to strike the Scyther right in the middle of its exposed chest, the Scyther, with lightning fast speed, pinched Mikkel between its blades, taking the full force of the attack, and used Counter, throwing Mikkel down onto the ground behind it. Just as Mikkel was trying to recover from off of the ground, the Scyther raised its right blade high above it head again, and, in a flash, started to bring it down onto the defenseless Pokemon.
Yelling out, Nole screamed, “Now, Geist! Teleport us somewhere, now!”
Geist, having almost no time to focus on an exact location or distance, focused his energy as fast as he could on Nole, Mikkel and himself. In a bright flash of light, the three dissipated into the air, leaving the Scyther alone, its blade stuck deep in the ground with a small bit of blood on the tip.
“…you sure we can trust’im, Sir? I’mean, he just fell right out of the sky in the barn. It’s a dam’ good thing he din’t fall in with one of the Miltank, or else we’dove had at clean up what was left of ’im. N’ wha-da-we gunna do ‘bout dat Growlithe?”
Slowly raising out of a bed he didn’t remember getting into, seeing room he had never been in before, and hearing voices that didn‘t recognize, Nole was beyond bewildered. Sitting straight up, a sudden throb of pain erupted in the back of Nole head, causing him to let out a small yelp. Grapping the back of his head, Nole felt a large lump, still tender to the touch. Recalling the battle with the Scyther, Nole started to remember that Geist had teleported himself, Nole, and Mikkel away from the battle. After teleporting away from the road, Nole remembered that he suddenly felt like he was falling and saw an unfamiliar roof quickly separate in distance between itself and Nole. After that, the only thing Nole could remember was a flash of reds and yellows in his vision, a dull pain in the back of his head, and pitch blackness.
Hearing the creaking of a door open, Nole turned towards the sound to see two large men entering the small room. The first man was young and broad across the shoulders. He was about six feet tall, and large enough to be at least pushing 300lbs. He had his hair buzz cut with a red, worn out baseball cap cover his head. He wore a green and black flannel shirt, a pair of worn out blue jeans, a big, brown belt with a large buckle, and a pair of work boots.
The man just behind him was an older man, his face carved out in numerous canyons and crevasses of wrinkles. His hair was short, but not nearly as short as the younger man beside him, silky and snow-white. He had a thick, well kept goatee that matched his hair. A bit shorter than the younger man, the older one was also a bit slimmer, not was still at least 250lb himself. Wearing a light blue, button up shirt, a regular black belt, a pair of new looking blue jeans, and nice looking pair of boots, this man gave off the impression that he was the one in charge, and knew how to run whatever he was in charge of.
The older man spoke first. His voice was deep, course, and had a bit lighter accent than the one that Nole had heard before. “Good to see’ya awake. We, here, have bin wonderin’ when you’d git up.” Nole felt the urge to pay attention to every word the man had to say. For some reason, the man gave off the same feeling that his father gave him whenever Nole was about to get lectured to.
Continuing, the man said, “Seein’ as how normal formalities are a bit behind us, I guess I’ll just ask you loud and clear: Who are ya n’ why in Sam Hill were you fallin’ from the sky in my barn?”
As quickly as he could, Nole introduced himself and tried to explain everything from the box truck, to being left in the middle of the road, to trying to find a new ride, and, with a small chill that ran down his neck, how the Scyther jumped out of the corn and attacked him and his Pokemon. When he mentioned the Scyther, the old man’s eyes light up like fire, burning deep and full of anger. When Nole finished with how his Ralts teleported the three of them to escape the attack, he added that Geist must have teleported them in to the barn, but managed to send them up in the middle of the air instead of on the ground.
At the end of his story, the old man was pacing a bit back and forth across the room. Turning to Nole, the man said, “That Scyther, did it have orange wings on top and cream ones on bottom?” Nole nodded yes, and the man asked further, “And you said that when he gone cut ya on ya head, he licked up the blood off his blade?” Nodding again, the man muttered, “He’s now gone n’ started huntin’ durin’ the day. Perfect.” Turning back around to face Nole, the old man held out his hand said, “Well Nole, the name’s John. John Myers.” Taking John’s outstretched hand, Nole felt the crushing strength of the man as his tiny hand was pulverized by John’s large, callused hand. “This here,” continued John, “is my farmhand, Mark Joels.” John pointed back the larger, younger man behind him who then nodded his head at Nole.
Releasing his hold on Nole’s hand, John started back up. “Well Nole, as much as I’d love to help ya out with ya little transportation problem an send ya on ya merry way, there’s some’im ya need to know.” Taking on a grim look, John said, “I hate to tell ya this, but ya Growlithe…Mikkel was it?…isn’t fairin’ so well.”
Tensing up, Nole blurted out, “Why?! What’s wrong?”
Shaking his head a bit, John said, “That Scyther that attacked ya, he must’ve got up too close to Mikkel, cuz he got himself a hell of a slice ’long his side. That Mikkel of your’s goin’ to live, but he ain’t movin’ for a good week. We have all the stuff to help wrap him up n’ clean the cut out, but that was a hell of a lot of trauma for a little pup like him to handle.
Jumping out of bed, only to stumble a bit as his head pounded, Nole asked in a panic, “Where is he? I have to see Mikkel!”
Putting his hand up to stop Nole from just running right out of the room, John said, “Look, son, I’ll show ya where Mikkel is restin’, but ya goin’ have to calm down before I let ya in to see him. All this excitement ain’t good for ya hurt Pokemon.”
Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself, Nole settled down enough for John, who then turned around and called back, “Follow me.”
Walking out the room and down the hallway, Nole looked around at the pictures that were hanging on the walls, trying to take his mind off of everything that had happened. The pictures that he saw looked old, most probably taken over twenty or thirty years ago. In one, there was a younger looking version of John standing next to a beautify looking lady, holding her by the waist in front of a pen with a large blue ribbon on it. In the pen stood a huge Tauros, caught in the middle of a bellow. In another picture, a slightly older John and the same woman were standing on different sides of a tall man, looking a lot like a young John, who was dressed in a graduating cap and gown, holding a diploma in his hand. Everyone looked so happy.
As John neared the end of the hallway, he opened a door to his left, and walked through with Nole and Mark close behind. As Nole entered the room, he saw laying on a pile of blankets for bedding, Mikkel curled up in a ball sleeping, his chest raising and sinking shallowly. Nole felt numb standing there, seeing his loyal Pokemon, is most loyal friend, laying there with a huge, white wrapping around his midsection.
Walking slowly over, Nole bent down over Mikkel and scratched the top of his head. “Hey buddy,” Nole whispered in the most gentle voice he could muster, “I’m here now, so please rest up and get better. We have to get to Nusuran so we can start our adventure together. Please get better soon.” Nole had to stand up and wipe his face as tears formed in the corners of his eyes.
Suddenly, he felt a tug on his pant legs. Looking down, Nole saw Geist, looking whiter than usual. Reaching down and picking up the small Pokemon, Nole squeezed him in an embrace as they looked down on their wounded friend. “He’ll be fine, Geist. He’ll be fine. John over here said that they got all the stuff to make Mikkel all better.”
Squeezing his small arms onto Nole’s, Geist buried himself into Nole’s arms. As he did that, Geist’s horn glowed a pale blue and, in a burst of confusing images and emotions, Nole could feel what Geist was feeling: guilt and disappointment in himself. Nole realized that Geist felt guilty for not being able to help Mikkel in the fight or even being able to help him escape fast enough.
Raising Geist up high enough so that he could see into the Ralts’ huge, buggy eyes, Nole stared right at Geist and said, “Listen to me right now: there was nothing we could have done different. We were caught off guard and that Scyther attacked us as if it meant to kill us. Next time,” Nole’s cloudy-grey eyes turned steel cold, “we aren’t going to let him caught us off guard. We’re going to find that Scyther and make him pay for what he did to Mikkel.” Putting Geist back down on the ground, Nole saw that it looked as if all guilt and disappointment was fading out of Geist and was being replaced with anticipation.
Give one last goodbye to Mikkel, Nole walked out of the room and followed John to a large kitchen with a dinning room adjacent to it. After John offered him a seat, Nole sat down as John brought out a loaf of bread, a bag of sliced meat and a bowl of berries. Mouth watering, Nole forgot how hungry he was. Looking up at a clock hanging from the wall across the room, Nole realized that it was nearly 3pm, and he hadn’t eaten all day. Looking over at John, John smiled a bit and said, “Figured ya’ll were hungry after the kind of day ya had. Go ahead n’ eat away. And that goes for you too, Geist.”
As Nole finished wolfing down sandwiches and Geist every berry in the bowl, John sat down across from him and started talking. “Nole, how old a ya? 9? 10?”
“I’m turning 12 next month!” hissed Nole at the question. Just because he was small for his age, everyone always thought that he was a two or three years younger than what he actually was.
“Really? 12? Sorry ‘bout that then. Well than, if ya’re turnin’ 12, then that means ya’re off to Nusuran to register for the Pokeleague, ain’t I right? I overheard ya sayin’ some’im ’bout headin’ to the cap’tal when ya where in the room with Mikkel.”
Picking the last scraps of meat off his plate, Nole said, “Yea, I’m off to get my license to become an official trainer. I was hoping to ride that box truck all the way Yorsh and then jump on the Maglift from there to Nusuran, but I’ve already told you how that plan worked out.”
Folding his arms across his wide chest, John have an inquisitive look at Nole. “Ya see, what I’m tryin’ to understand is why a city boy like ya is all the way out in the middle of the country?”
Feeling the tips of his ears get warm and his cheeks turn red, Nole looked down at his plate and played with the pile of crust he had taken off his sandwiches. “Well…you see…I kinda got on the wrong train in my home town, and ended up with a one-way ticket to nowhere. Now, I only have enough money for one more ticket, and the Maglift station I ended up at said that I would have to buy two tickets: one to get to Yorsh, and then another one to transfer over to a train going to Nusuran.”
“Then why,” asked John, “then did ya not just take a train back home and git some money offa ya parents?”
Slapping his hands firmly on the table, Nole said in an affirmed voice, “I’m not going to go back home just after I finally convinced my parents that I could travel all by myself. I’m getting to the capital my own way without their help!”
When Nole was finished, he sank back in his chair, embarrassed of how much he had just told a complete stranger. John just sat quietly in his chair, scratching his goatee. Looking over at Geist, who was now licking the last bit of juice out of the berry bowl, John said, “So then how did ya, I’mean if ya from the city, come across both a Ralts n’ a Growlithe?”
Sitting back up, Nole answered, “Well, Mikkel was the family Pokemon, but because he has always been real close to me, my parents let me take him on my adventure to be a trainer.” Looking over at his little friend put down the now licked-clean bowl, Nole added, “And Geist, well, I found him two years ago. I ended up chasing him for days in the woods outside my city. Back then, I thought a trainer was suppose to only be strong and make Pokemon their’s.” Nole shook his head and chuckled to himself, “Geist over there pretty much put me in my place by not only beating Mikkel, but also knocked me out with Hypnosis and got inside my head with a Dream Eater. To make a long story short, he made me realize that being a trainer was not only about being strong, it meant reaching for your goals with all you had, and let your Pokemon around you help you reach those goals.” Geist then hopped over and jumped into Nole’s lap, looking up at him, beaming with pride. “In these last two years, me, him and Mikkel have trained hard so that we would be ready to face the Pokeleague, and my goal is, one day, to be the best trainer in my own family and show my nine older siblings and parents just how fair I can go with my dreams.”
John looked into Nole’s eyes, and saw just how serious he was. Tilting his head back, John let out a large, rolling laugh that shook his huge, round body. Holding up his hand in front of Nole who was getting red in the face in anger, John calmed down enough to say, “Listen, boy. I ain’t laughin’ at your dream. It’s just so funny that ya ended up sayin’ just ‘bout the same thin’ my son said when he was your age.”
Thinking back to the picture he saw on the wall, Nole asked, “So was that your son and wife in that picture in the hall?”
John stopped laughing and a sullen look over took his face. “Yea,” he said, “them are my son and wife. My son, he’s ’bout 30 now. Has a family n’ everthin’ up in Yorsh, actually. He doesn’t come by as often no more, but he calls me all the time, mainly to ask me to just give up the farm and live with him up in the city.” And then, John’s eyes glazed over a bit. “N’ my wife, well, she passed away 5 years ago. Her heart just gave out on her one day while mikin’ the Miltank. She always insisted that she could do any of the work that these young farmhands could do.” After that, John grew quiet..
As a few minutes of stilled silence past, John stood up and said to Nole, “Well son, its best not to dwell on the past. That woman would beat me senseless if she knew that I was gettin’ all worked up o’er some’im like her. She always said that when she was gone, dig her a hole, throw in her body, cover it up with dirt and then go back to work. She never wanted anyone to be sad on her part.” Picking up the dishes and putting them in the sink, John said, “Come on, now. I’ll show ya my farm. It’ll get our minds off of all this sad business.”
Standing up, Nole picked up Geist so that he wouldn’t fall behind, and followed John outside. Looking around, Nole didn’t see Mark. Asking John, he said, “Oh, Mark went out to care for the Miltank and then to tend the fields. He slipped out while ya were shovelin’ your face.”
As the three walked out of the house, Nole looked around at the land before him. The house was the same one he saw in Geist’s vision when they were looking for a person to beg a ride from. The house itself was an off-white, two stories and had a large, wraparound porch. Walking down from off the porch, Nole could see the old barn, almost as big as the house itself, being plenty big enough to house a small herd of Miltank, with the large field connected to it.
Surrounding the house, barn and field, though, was the real wonder: a sea of gold and emerald. All around Nole, all he could see was a sheer wall of seven feet high corn stalks. Nole didn’t understand why, but these rows of corn seemed more greener, more lively, more beautiful than the ones that were by the road. Walking over to them, Nole could smell the moist, earthy soil that the stalks grew out of. The smell made him feel so calm, as if all his worries he had just melted away.
Grabbing him by the shoulder, John said to Nole, “You feel it too, right? That feelin’ like all your troubles just float away when ya see the land. I’ve put my whole life into this farm. I was born here, grew up here, and, by Arceus’ grace, I plan to die here.” Fanning his hand out from one side of the corn to the other, John said, “ I own all the land that ya see around ya, and pretty soon, I’ll be harvestin’ this beautiful sea of mine.”
Looking up at John, Nole said, “A bit of a shame, isn’t it? Having to tear down something you love.”
John patted Nole as he let go his shoulder. “Well boy, it’s a bit of a give-n’-take way of life. I work the land in the spring, then I get to see all my hard work grow up around me in the summer, and finally, in the fall, I have to take it all down so that I can live off the money I make for the winter months. The good part of it all is that I get to start it all over again next spring.”
As they walked on towards the barn, Nole suddenly felt a strange tug in his mind. Stopping in his tracks, Nole looked into the sea of green, feeling like something bad had just happened. Closing his eyes, he focused on the feeling, letting it grow and fill his mind. Slowly, he could see an image of Mark, running through the corn, panting, his hat gone, and his shirt cut up and bloody.
Ripping his eyes open, Nole bolted off towards the corn, still carrying Geist in his arms. John yelled out over to him, “What in Sam Hill are you doin’ boy?!”
Nole turned his head back and yelled, “Mark! He’s being attacked, and I think it’s that Scyther again!”
Just as Nole hit the wall of corn, he felt like he had just stepped into a different world. The sun above was blotted out from the tall stalks, and every sound seemed muddled and suppressed. It was like a think, dark green jungle with each stalk like a thin tree and their leaves wove together like a thicket. The ground below was a thick stew of mud and fertilizer, coating Nole’s sneakers and pant bottoms in the muddy slim within just a few steps. After a minute of running, Nole could feel the sloppy ground sop deeper into his sneakers with each step.
Trying to keep a focus on Mark and not on the bizarre world in which he had entered, Nole ran down the narrow rows, cut across a few, and, after another minute of running, could see a group running the other direction towards him: Mark in front with the whites of his eyes shining like torches in the dead of night, and a pair of white, gleaming blades behind him. “Run the other way , boy!” screamed Mark as he saw Nole running at him. “Don’t let dis thin’ catch ya!”
Not listening to a word Mark had to say, Nole ran right at him as the Scyther got right behind Mark. Calling out to Geist, Nole said, “Do it as soon as we are about to hit him. Ready? One,” Nole was just ten feet from Mark. “Two,” Mark was starting to turn side ways to run around Nole. “Three! Now!” and at that, Nole plowed right into Mark, just as Geist use Teleport and sent the three back to the farm. The Scyther, missing its prey for a second time in one day, let out a furious cry that rang out over the field.
With a loud pop, Mark, Nole and Geist fell down in the grass in front of the barn with John standing near by. As Nole stood up, John walked over with a stern look on his face. Staring at Nole, John said, “Boy, ya’ve not only fallen out of the sky twice since ya’ve been here, but then ya went running off in the corn screaming that Mark was attacked by that damned Scyther.” Looking down at Mark, who was just now standing up, John saw that Mark’s shirt was all ripped up and bloodied. Looking back at Nole, John said in a serious tone, “Boy, how did ya know that Mark was bein’ attacked?”
Nole, trying to think up some excuse, couldn’t. Picking up Geist once more, Nole sighed and muttered, “I guess there’s no point hiding it.” Looking up at John, Nole said, “You remember how I said I’ve been training hard with my Pokemon for the last two years?” John nodded. “Well, about a year ago, I started using Synchronize with Geist, so that I could train better with him. After a few months of that, I started being able to…sense…things. I don’t really know how to describe it and it’s not like I can’t do it all the time or even know when I’ll sense something, but what I do know is that I can feel really strong emotions like love, anger, and,” looking over at Mark, “fear.”
Rubbing the sides of his eyes, John just shook his head. “Yea know, after all I’ve seen today from ya, I think that I could just believe anythin’, no matter how crazy it sounded.” Walking over to Mark, John talked with him a bit and, after he was done, Mark headed for the house and went inside. Walking back to Nole, John simply said, “Follow me, boy. I think ya might be able to do some’im for me.”
John led Nole and Geist inside the barn. Once inside, Nole saw that it was filled with rows of pens, most now empty. Most of the Miltank were in the field right then, but a few stayed behind, strapped up to milking machines. These Miltank hardly gave any heed to their guests, while most simply ignored them entirely and continued eating from their troughs. At the end of the main row, though, there was a concrete pen with the door to it broke off and a dark brown stain laying in front of it. Walking around it, John led the group to the back, right by the door leading out to the field.
Walking up to a workbench, John rustled through a few drawers until he found what he was looking for: a round object wrapped in a cloth. Taking the cloth off, Nole saw what he thought was a Pokeball. It was the same size and shape as a regular Pokeball, except this one was an aqua green where the red should’ve been and, on top of the green, there was a black, overlapping lace pattern. Holding the ball before Nole, John asked him, “Do ya know what this is?”
Shaking his head, Nole said, “Well, I think it’s a Pokeball, but I’ve never seen one that looked like that.”
“Ya’re half right,” said John. “This here is a Netball given to me as a gift many, many years ago by a friend of mine. What makes this little ball so special is that it is made specially for catching water n’ bug-type Pokemon.” Hand the ball out to Nole, John said, “I want ya to take this n’ catch that Scyther.”
Taken aback by what he had just heard, Nole stumbled, “I…I’m not…I mean…are you sure that…”
Grasping on to Nole’s shoulder again, John looked down into Nole’s eyes. “Look boy, I know that ya want vengeance on that Scyther as much as I do. Ya see that empty pen over there? That once held my prized Tauros. One month ago, that damned Scyther come out of nowhere, and he claimed my land as his territory. After findin’ my Tauros, that sonofabitch snuck into my barn, in the middle of the night, and killed my Tauros, all cuz he seemed to see him as a threat to his territory. After that, every few days or so, I’d find one of my Miltank missin’.
“Now, it seems that it’s got a notion that humans aren’t allowed on its territory either. I‘ve already lost two farmhands who quit cuz they didn’t want to be attacked again.” Handing the Netball back out to Nole, John said, “So how about it? I’ll promise to not only take ya to Yorsh, but I’ll even pay for ya ticket to Nusuran if ya can get rid of that Scyther for me.”
“What about the police?” said Nole. “Can’t they help out?”
“I was goin’ to call the police, but after he started attackin’ people, all they would do is try to flush him out and capture him, meanin’ that they would have to burn my crops down to look for him, and I have too much time and money wrapped up in this land to just watch it burn down around me. So how about it? I don’t like the idea of sendin’ a boy in to do a man’s work, but I have no more Pokemon that could even stand a chance against him, and ya seem to be a hell of a trainer anyway, licensed or not.”
Nole looked at John, moved by his words, and then thought of Mikkel laying in the house behind him and the huge slash along his side. In that moment, Nole’s mind was made up. “Deal,” and he took the ball from John’s hand.
Smiling, John chuckled, “Good then. Oh,” he said as he reached into his back pocket, “I found this on the ground when ya landed in the barn earlier. I have no idea what the hell it is, but it looked important,” and at that, John handed over Eden to Nole. “What is that exactly anyway?”
Taking Eden back, Nole said, “It’s my Electronic Directory to the Entirety of Nature, or Eden. It’s kinda like a Pokedex, only with a few more features.”
“Technology,” John muttered as he rolled his eyes. “Ya and my son would get a would get along well, I reckon.” Closing the drawers shut on the workbench, John asked Nole, “Anyways, ya said that that Scyther got hit with a Flare Blitz, right?” Nole said yes. “Well then, that explains how Mark wasn’t too tore up. I figure that no matter now strong that bug is, it’s still a bug-type. That fire attack from Mikkel did some serious damage and that Scyther isn’t at its full strength right now.” Heading out of the barn, John finished with, “I think that the best time find that Scyther would be tonight. Also, there’s goin’ to be full moon, so even though he can normally see us at night, we can now see him.”
The air sat heavy and stale as the moon rose over the land. Just on the horizon, large, monstrous clouds were creeping across the sky. Down in the moonlit field, Nole and Geist walked out to the wall of corn. Turning to Geist, Nole said, “Ok, buddy, let’s synch up.”
Geist, in acknowledgement, bobbed his head, and, suddenly, let his horn glow in a bright violet light. As the light scattered over Nole’s body, he felt a small tug in the back of his mind and, suddenly, he could sense Geist’s presence in his mind. Focusing on this tug, Nole let it merge with his consciousness, letting it become one with him. After he was done, He and Geist were complete synchronized. “Well, it’s good to be able to talk to you again, Nole,” said a small, angelic voice inside Nole’s mind.
“Same as with you Geist,” answered Nole back aloud. Shaking the initial odd feeling of having another voice besides his own in his head, Nole picked up Geist and walked towards the green wall. Just on the outside of it, Nole said to Geist, “Ok, so do you remember the plan?”
With a small, mocking sneer, Nole heard Geist say, “Oh course I do. I’ve been ready to get back at this guy ever since you said we were going to get revenge. I think I’m even going to suck every emotion he has out of him.”
Giving a small chuckle, Nole rolled his eyes. It never surprised Nole just how devious that little Ralts could be at times, even to the point that it scared Nole a bit. “Anyway,” continued Nole, “Let’s get ready. Use a Calm Mind on us and let’s head out.”
As the two dived into the sea of green, Nole felt a mental clarity wash over him as Geist performed a Calm Mind on them. Sinking backing into the familiar muddy slop of the soil, Nole trudged through the rows of corn in no real order or sense of direction, not that one could really keep either in this labyrinth where the stalks all began to blend together and where the place you had just came from looked no different than the place where you were going . Pushing onwards, Nole kept all his senses wide and open, even his new sixth one through Geist to try and feel for the Scyther’s presence.
After ten minutes of walking, Nole and Geist suddenly felt a pressure rushing towards them with ridiculous speed. Turning to face it, Nole stood his ground and mentally said to Geist, “Get ready. Just as we planned.” Within a few seconds, in a glimpse of moonlight, Nole saw him: orange and cream colored wings, fangs in full display, and a gleam of his two, razor sharp blades. In a loud, bloodcurdling cry, the Scyther rang out, “Scccccyyyyy-ther!”
“Wait for it…” whispered Nole.
Scyther rushed closer and closer, picking up speed as it did. Just as he was almost upon his prey, Scyther already had his right blade ready to strike. He wasn’t going to let them disappear in thin air again, not for a third time in one day. Bringing his right blade down just as he was in front of them, a sickened glee flashed in Scyther’s eye: he had them: they weren’t going to disappear on him this time. His blade flashed through the air, and, in one fell swoop, the Scyther sliced right through his prey.
Only, he felt like he had passed through air instead of meat, cartilage, and bone. Looking up to see what was left the them, the Scyther saw that they were, in fact, perfectly fine. Not even a scratch on them. Spinning around to slice them again, he had the same reaction. Frustrated and confused, Scyther backed off and looked at his prey. Then, as the moonlight shown through the dense leaves, Scyther saw that what he was slicing at was not his prey: it looked like them, only the thing he had attacked was translucent and had no solid outline.
Suddenly realizing that it was a trick, the Scyther turned around , but he was too late. In a loud shout, Nole yelled out, “Trick Room!” and the area around Scyther pulsed as the already thick air became electrified. As Scyther leaped toward the two, he suddenly felt sluggish and felt like the world began to move in slow-motion. Soon, Scyther felt like he had been frozen in place. Looking at his once prey, the two casually walked over, as if they were on a stroll through the park.
Looking up at the Scyther, Nole said, “Are you confused? I’ll explain. Right before you charged us, we used a Double Team so that you would be busy with an afterimage as Geist here prepared a Trick Room. Now that you are caught in our trap, all those moves fast, like yourself, will move slow. The faster you would normally move, the slower you get in here.”
Walking around Scyther, Nole looked over his once attacker. In the front, he could see a big burn mark right in the middle of Scyther’s chest and down on his legs, right where Mikkel’s flames had hit him. “Thank you, Mikkel. If this guy was any faster, we wouldn’t have had the time to make the afterimage and trap him.” Turning back around to face Scyther, Nole continued. “Now, Geist, who cast the trap, and myself, who am synched with him, now can move as free as we want to. And, trust me, we have been training for a long time with this move, so we can hold it for a nice, long time.” Turning to Geist, who had been standing in the mud by Nole’s feet, Nole asked, “Do you have anything you want to say Geist?”
With a sly smile, Geist placed his small hands onto his horn, and focused his energy. As his horn glowed a bright red, Scyther was engulfed in the same red light and, before he knew what was happening, Scyther was picked up in the air, spun around several times, and dropped hard back on the ground.
“I don’t think I could have said it any better myself,” said Nole. Bending down over the Scyther, Nole said to him, “Now listen and listen clear: I want you to remember what happened this night. Speed and strength means nothing if you use them only for yourself. Even with all of your power, you were still defeated by boy, his Growlithe, and his Ralts. Think over that for a while as you sit in this Netball for the rest of your life. Scyther, I am your judge and jury. I declare you guilty, and your sentence is the lose of your wild freedom.” Grunting and hissing, Scyther glared at Nole, wanting to slice him open right where he stood.
Turning to Geist, Nole said, “Put him to sleep with Hypnosis, and then use Dream Eater so that all of his dreams of fighting are done.” With no hesitation, Geist gleefully complied. As his horn turned a light blue, Geist released the energy onto Scyther, putting him in a deep sleep. Then, just as Scyther fell asleep, Geist placed his arm onto the Scyther’s head, and sucked the dreams out of him, absorbing their energy into his own body.
With Geist done, Scyther had nothing left: no strength, no speed, no will to fight. Stepping back, Nole took out the Netball that John had given him, and gripped it in his hand. Looking down at the defeated Scyther, Nole thought of Mikkel, of Mark, of all the trouble that Scyther had caused John. At that, with a flick of his wrist, he tossed the Netball at Scyther. In a flash of light, Scyther was sucked inside the ball, which then fell into the mud, shaking side to side in the muck.
Picking up Geist, Nole looked down at the shaking ball. “You know,” he said to Geist, “I really hope that we can help this Scyther out. I know that he has done a lot of bad things in such a short amount of time, but I think that we could change him. I mean, you changed me, right Geist?”
With a small shrug, Geist just replied, “Who knows? Some things can be erased, others can’t. We’ll just have to wait and see.”
“I guess we will. Tomorrow is another day, right? Let’s see what it holds,” and at that, the storm clouds rolled over the three in the sea of corn, thundering and letting loose its cold rain down upon the land.
Expect a grade within one hour. I'm past the halfway point.
What impression did I get when I started reading this?
Thanks for the disclaimer. It's always good to know the intentions of the writer. You've also neatly covered your behind when it comes to plot holes, but that's neither here nor there.
One note, though. There is a difference between "ado" and "adieu," even if they have similar pronounciation.
ADO is an obsolete word that is only used in one phrase in modern English: "without further ado." It is the word you need here.
ADIEU is a French loanword that means "goodbye." An alternative French farewell is au revoir.
Okay, okay, now I'll actually talk about the actual story. Actually.
Your first sentence is pretty melodramatic! Heavy air, darkness devouring the land. Makes you think that this story is going to be dark and stormy in tone. Sturm und Drang, the Germans call it.
In the next sentence, we indeed have the Sturm as promised. "Diamonds of Heaven and the white orb of Earth," however, is probably overdoing it. Also, Earth is never described as "white." The rest of the sentence talks about the world going black, making me think you intended to say "Moon" instead of "Earth" earlier. Typo?
In the next sentence, you define life by its colors. However, the sentence as written says that the life itself is green, yellow, etc. as if life was color itself. I'd rewrite: "The life that had once been resplendent in its greens, yellows, reds, and blues had become dull and gray." I also see you choose not to use the serial comma. (Putting a comma before the last item in a long list.) Just remember to be consistent about whether you're using it or not.
In the sentence after that, you say "sea of corn" and then "ocean of gold." This is redundant. Using one ocean-esque noun would be sufficient. There should probably also be hyphens after "once" and "sickened." These form parts of two-word adjectives, and as such should be hyphenated. "Two-word" itself is a two-word adjective!
In the last sentence, you may have actually gone too light on the description. "Macabre beauty" is a very strong description. We have the macabre, sure, but where's the beauty?
You begin the second paragraph with "and." This marks your narrator as being a more conversational or poetic type. It's less a disinterested observer and more somebody actually narrating the story to you with bated breath, etc. That's fine. It's a good choice for a description-heavy story like this one seems to be.
You capitalized a word in the middle of a sentence. ("Slowly, After") This probably happened because you first wrote the sentence as beginning with "after," then decided to add an adverb on later. Be extremely careful when modifying something you've already written. If you don't want to be all-seeing all the time, use a word processor with built-in spelling- and grammar-check functions. Goodness knows I've fallen prey to the same error many times.
We have after that a repetition of the word "stage." I think repeated this word for emphasis. When you do this, though, it has to be acknowledged somehow. This is what I mean:
"...as if taking a stage before a grand audience. Slowly, after taking that stage,"
The "that" implies that a stage has been previously mentioned.
Your use of "simply" as an adverb is correct. However, it's also kind of awkward because "simply" can mean either "in a simple way" or "only." Use a word with less meanings or write in constraints into your sentence to make it more specific.
The rest of that paragraph is, as always, very description-heavy. It's a little rich for my taste, but it works as intended.
That's it for the introduction. You've set up this story as a pretty dark one with attention to detail. I'd say it's Gothic in the traditional sense.
Is it a good story?
Nole: two years later, out in the sticks.
I graded your first chapter, too, if I remember. Things have definitely developed since then. Geist is now a full-fledged character with a good relationship with his Trainer. Nole has sorted most of his issues out. Mikkel is still Mikkel.
I don't have very much to say about the plot, even though there is an awfully large amount of plot. This is thanks to the fact that it is a good plot. (Minutiae and plot holes, as always, are available in the PLAUSIBILITY section.) You switch between styles rather frequently, but that's not a drawback. If I see it correctly, you go from Gothic to misadventures to tales of the country to let's-defeat-the-villain-by-helping-him. The variety helps to keep our interest through the long story without being very distracting. Good job.
I guess there is one minor issue. (Isn't there always?) The continuity with the previous story doesn't really kick in until towards the end, when John asks how old Nole is and we get a "Since Last Time on the Adventures of Nole." This is a bit long to wait. I had started to think that it was a direct sequel, not two years later. It neatly explains the change in Nole's character, though.
Do we understand what they're saying?
AAAAAARGH ANIME CLICHE!Looking up at the Scyther, Nole said, “Are you confused? I’ll explain.
A smart protagonist knows: when you've got the advantage, don't taunt when you can just attack.
I know the reason for using this style. It lets the reader understand what cunning plan the protagonist has just pulled off. However, unlike with a manga or anime, a story has a narrator. Foist these duties off on it instead.
I liked the use of dialect. You trying to pull a Mark Twain? I wouldn't know if the way you've written the farmers is the way actual farmers speak, but it's evocative enough that I don't care.
I don't have any other major opinions about your use of dialogue.
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?
Nole has matured. You put in that two-year timeskip for good reason. We can still see hints of his little-kid petulance from time to time, such as when John asks his age, but Geist really did fix him up. Good stuff.
Geist gets along better with Nole. He snarks at him, but he saves his more malicious impulses for their enemies. It's gone beyond a mere alliance of convenience, too. I think that's complex characterization.
Mikkel is still defined by his species: loyalty and courage.
John and Mark are farmers caught in a modernizing world. They seem to be the kind of people you'd find in the American Midwest with all the accompanying qualities/stereotypes/mannerisms. It was interesting to see Nole meet and interact with them.
The Scyther starts out as a force of nature like in a horror movie, but Nole and Geist try to humanize it in the end of the story. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
Does you talk pretty?
You may or may not be missing "conductor" here. This sentence has generated an ambiguous situation; either it's supposed to be an unseen something or it is The Unseen itself that is doing something mysterious. Take your pick and adjust the sentence accordingly.The unseen was waving his hands frantically
This is an awkward formation. Try two sentences instead of one.a farm that was in a commotion
You're dancing between subjects here. The Tauros is in a blind fury— it's literally blind now— but the next clause is about the Scyther. Break this into multiple sentences.Thrashing out in a blind fury, the Tauros’ attacker danced around its crippled opponent, and, with a final slash to the jugular and across the gut, the Tauros stilled, buckled at the knees, and fell to the ground in a wet, blood stained dirt.
This beauty and grace: do you mean the Scyther or the cornfields?Sprinting across the pasture and leaping over the fence, the assassin of the night dived back into the sea of gold and emerald, now restored to its previous beauty and grace.
Huh? Do you mean that he's only thinking about rolling his eyes or that he can roll them very far?Rolling his eyes in the back of his head
Disambiguation! The word is coarse.His word was deep, course
Course: a route to travel. Alternatively, a class at college.
They are homonyms.
Homonym confusion again. This time, it's fair versus fare.ya Growlithe... Mikkel was it? ...isn't fairin' so well.
Fair: Equal or light or good weather.
Fare: A fee to travel or a verb meaning to be.
Also, consider using dashes— these— instead of ellipses.
Two issues:a sickened glee flashed in Scyther's eye
Scyther have two eyes.
It should be "sick," not "sickened." Otherwise, this is a self-hating Scyther.
Watch your commas. No comma is needed before "and" if the clause coming after "and" is related to the one before "and."
Watch for redundancy. Try to avoid using the same word twice in the same sentence, especially when it refers to different things both times.
You must use hyphens in multiple-word adjectives.
The Dangling Participle: Make sure that clauses using "ing" words are clear in what they refer to. See the previous comment about the beauty and grace.
Typos: you need to proofread your story one more time. There are quite a few obvious errors. The first section is relatively clean, but later on things noticeably deteriorate.
This is all just cosmetic stuff and within the expected error rate for Internet writing. It's much easier to make mistakes with a keyboard than with a pen. Oh man, how true that is. So what I'm saying is: you're fine.
Can we see what you're saying?
Your entire first section of the story is a description of a storm in musical metaphor. Have you been saving this one up? It seems like you put a lot of effort into it, and it's not bad at all.
You have the protagonist appear at the door in a flash of lightning. It's cliched. But it's so cliched that it brought a smile to my face, i.e. it's so old that it's classic! Hee hee.
You may have mixed some metaphors in your description of the end of the storm. I don't think musicians say that a conductor "calls back" sections as they decrease in volume or stop playing. I'm not sure what to put instead, though, so I guess you're fine with what you've got.
Is that last thunderbolt supposed to be quiet and faint? According to the music, it is. According to the rules of horror movies, it shouldn't be. I'm conflicted.
In the second section, we have a juxtaposition of high and low technology. A hay truck and some kind of GPS-enabled halfway-to-AI PDA. It fits well with the overall Pokemon atmosphere. You know how the games are always about technology and the wilderness.
It is implied that out in the boonies you don't get Pokemon Center service and have to do all the medical stuff yourself. That's kind of harsh.
This is the first mention of Nusuran. Eden didn't mention it. What is it? You explain that it's the local capital a few paragraphs later, but that's kind of doing it backwards.We have to get to Nusuran so we can start our adventure together.
I enjoyed your description of Pokemon ranchers, their lifestyle, and their outlook. I imagine you had fun writing their accented speech. Your "by Arceus' grace" put a grin on my face. The whole lifestyle seems pretty incompatible with Psychic-Type Pokemon, though. It's an interesting conflict.
Does it make sense?
This particular Pokemon world seems to be America-based. The distances are in miles (measured in eighths!) However, Eden is a Silph Co. product. This means that relative to the games/anime, this story is set in a foreign country. That's a good way to remain familiar while being able to do your own thing in terms of worldbuilding.
Nole hitched a ride in the back of a truck, and it's not the refrigerated type. If it's hot outside, it's going to be hotter inside. We're talking heatstroke here.
Why does Scyther stop to pose in front of Nole?
Why didn't Nole just teleport halfway to his destination in the first place?
You've made a major contrast between Trained Pokemon and regular domesticated Pokemon. Livestock-type Pokemon can be violent and beastly, but Pokemon belonging to Trainers are relatively friendly. Does this fall along species lines, as in Miltank are just stupid, or is it something to do with being captured? Scyther seems like it's about to be dragged across that line, however it's defined.
Synchronize is not supposed to work in the way it's described in this story.
You know that. I know that.
You've done it for the sake of the plot, and to give Nole some interesting powers. Make sure you don't fall into the trap of making him too special. Such a power will have limitations and drawbacks.
Scyther's defeat was clever and satisfying but it seemed a little too quick to me. Geist gets off a Trick Room, sure, but then he uses three other attacks without being contested.
Even if their Speed stats are switched, Scyther should still be able to take one action for every one of Geist's, even if he has to move second.You've thrown the game mechanics out the window, and that's fine with me. Even so... this is a powerful Ralts to do stuff like that. See my previous note about not making your characters too special.
Is it long enough?
Scyther (COMPLEX 30,000-40,000)
Your length: 57,054
You could've gone for a Scizor with a story this long. Just saying.
What did I think, personally?
This is what I think.
To catch, or not to catch?
Last edited by Taras Bulba; 18th September 2010 at 08:19 PM.
I grade things for the URPG.
New experimental grading system. Request a tier after I claim your story:
Tier I / Basic: A quick verdict and some useful advice without much fuss.
Tier II / Normal: More in-depth analysis.
Tier III / Heavy: I WILL TEAR YOUR STORY TO SHREDS AND TAP-DANCE ON THE PIECES